Looking Back On 2009

With 2009 about to be at an end in a few hours here on the east coast, I thought before the family and I headed out the door to my Aunt Ju*lia's for good food, board games, pool, and watching the ball drop that I would reflect back on 2009. This year has been on of turmoil, chaos, growing, changing, adapting and grief for me on a whole. Coming into the year I had such high hopes to lose weight, conceieve #2, make more time for myself, and many other things. Overall I accomplished slim to none of the things that I set forth for myself, but I did have some huge changes, life altering events, I walked a familar traveled before path, and had that all to familiar heartache, as well as new found joy and remarkable relief.

In rewind, my year started off parenting two boys. My own handsome little man *B*, and my nephew *H* whose parents can be summed up as being called twits to put it nicely. This was a rewarding experience, but mostly definitely got my maternal wheels a turning and longing for #2. Then there was finding the unusally large cyst on my ovary that could of halted all chances of TTC until the later half of this year, but thankfully enough for me and *B* being horribly sick and medical technology no surgery was done b/c the cyst reduced in size on it's own. After that was a huge life changing event when we moved into our very first home that we're buying. I love this place and it's a great starter home that so far (knock on wood) hasn't needed any fixing up. Fast forward to *B*'s 2nd birthday bash and my sister coming home from KY all in the middle of summer while stabbing and jabbing myself with needles and popping pills in the hopes of seeing that BFP that so far has never happened. Then there was *B*'s first set of stitches and with him being all boy, I'm sure not his last set of stitches. I quit seeing my current reproductive Dr. and bounced around trying to find my place in this modern medicine world for awhile, all while having my fair share of breakdowns, meltdowns, and tantrums. I was deceived by more family members than I care to count, I had more fights with DH than I care to mention, I lost my patience with *B* more times than I can remember. But, nothing was as big in 2009 as my breast cancer scare when I found the lump on my boob with the lactating to accompany it. Needless to say that after some testing the diagnosis for that was Intraductal Papilloma/Papillomatosis, but it still scared the bejesus out of me, and I shed more tears than I ever want to in my life again.

This year was one twisted rollercoaster ride, and while it was fun while it lasted I don't want to experience it again if I can help it. I also want to say "See ya 2009, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya on the way out!!" I'm looking forward to 2010 and all the new possibilities and high hopes that it will potentially hold for me. And, rather than making a resolution just so that I can break it like I did this year (oops... LOL) I am just going to let whatever happens in 2010 happen and life to tell the tale (God willing) at the end of it like I have done at the end of this year. Happy New Year Everyone!!

And last but not least I want to say Happy Birthday to my Dad, since today is his birthday. Love you old man... LOL! xoxo

4 Christmases: 2 Days

In true Baby Dream fashion I'm late on yet another holiday post... LOL. I will say that my lack of blogging is due to my insane ambition to keep my mind busy while I tried not to drive myself crazy waiting on my mammogram diagnosis (check out the post below this one on those results). Any how, around this family since my parents are divorced and my mother is estranged from her side of the family while I am not, it means we have 4 Christmases in 2 days time. Most time it works out well as everyone schedules their get-together on a different day at a different time, but this year I ran into a little conflict that I quickly resolved by moving DH's side of the family to another day and time. Everything turned out GREAT for the most part except for missing family members that weren't able to be or choose not to be present. I got to see my little brother for the first Christmas in 5yrs... HUGE plus. There were no family squabbles, and I didn't gain any weight... MAJOR plus. The only things that didn't make it feel like Christmas was it's wasn't snowy outside, instead it was raining and melting of the snow. H*attie and her family, B*lu and her family, and my step-sis A*manda and her family weren't able to/decided not to attend the family gatherings. Otherwise it was the best Christmas in a long shot.

In the Baby Dream household this is how our Christmases went down this year. On Christmas Eve around noon we combined my Dad and little brother with DH's side of the family. Here are some pictures from this event:

Later on Christmas Eve around 4pm we packed up the vehicle full of all the yummy cookies I had been making, the cheesecake, and presents and headed out to my Aunt's house. There we enjoyed lots more family, good food, unwrapped Christmas ornaments from our annual ornament exchange, and then played board games in true family fashion. All this before leaving a little after 9pm to head home and put out cookies and milk for Santa. Here are pics from this gathering:

On Christmas morning was our third Christmas and that was just the 3 of us. Nice quiet and quaint. *B* opened his loot from Santa, we had sticky buns for breakfast, we cleaned up, and then got ready to head out to my Mom's for our fourth and final Christmas. Here is pics from our Christmas of 3:

Our fourth and final Christmas was at my Mom's. More food, more family. Pics from it:

Breast Cancer Scare... No More

I went to the Dr. today and I FINALLY got my mammogram results. They are not the most optimal results, but they could be a whole lot worse. My diagnosis is intraductal papilloma or papillomatosis (meaning multiple growths/papillomas in the breast). Basically long story short is, I have two wart like tissue growths in a milk duct in my breast. Mine happen to be in the same duct. I have swollen lymph nodes, b/c these growths are foreign bodies in my breast that aren't supposed to be there and it's my body's defense mechanism of trying to fight it off. The course of treatment can be evasive to nothing. My course of action per dicussing ever option available with my Dr. is as follows. I will be getting another mammogram in 3mths as well as a ductogram/galactogram (this procedure scares me... a needle is inserted into my nipple while a mammogram is being performed... OUCH!). At this time if there is no negative growth then if I choose nothing will be done and I will continue to have mammograms done every 3mths for the first year and every 6mths to a year following to keep an eye on it. If at this time there is still no negative growth, but my breast is still painful then a surgical procedure will be preformed where I'm cut around my areola and my nipple area is removed in order to go in and remove the affected duct. If there is negative tissue growth then I will still have to have the surgical procedure done, and my long term options and prognosis will be discussed with me at that time. However I guess I can't really title this entry "Breast Cancer Scare... No More" b/c since I do have more than one growth I'm at an increased risk of breast cancer later in life, but it's doesn't totally indicate that I will have it. All women already have a 5-10% breast cancer risk, my risk is just hightened an additional 5-10%, which really isn't that high of a percentage if you think about it. I know receiving this diagnosis was like having a 50lb weight lifted from my chest, I'm just not really looking forward to all the additional testing that comes with it in the year to follow. Here is some reading for you on my diagnosis if you would like to further research it. (It's ALOT of reading actually.) It is also the 25pg printout that my Dr. reviewed with me and gave to me at my appt. today.

Non-Cancerous Breast Conditions Reading

Under Construction Again (sigh)

The designers of the template I had for Christmas will no longer be offering templates (sniffle, sniffle), so I'm under construction again as I strive to find the perfect background that just suites me and this Baby Dreams blog. Please bare with me, as I'll get up and running in full function soon. In the meantime you may experience times that the site goes down as it's easier to make changes that way. Thanks for your understanding and cooperation during this time.

Potential Hope

I had my mammogram done today. It wasn't all that painful really. My right side (the one with only a couple of swollen lymph nodes on and no lumps) wasn't painful to get done at all. The left side was a bit tender, but not unbearable (this side has numerous swollen lymph nodes and 2 lumps) and I guess the scan isn't supposed to hurt at all. It just felt like a little pressure squishing except for on the problem side. Any way, I asked the tech if she could tell me if she saw anything, and her response was I needed to talk to my Dr. Right then and there I lost it, everything I had running through my mind, all the stress, and the built up worry came pouring out in the form of an hysterical cry. I proceeded to tell her that I had to wait until after Christmas to know any results and it wasn't fair and I just knew that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy the holiday b/c of it. I told her that I've been worrying myself sick and not getting sleep b/c my mind runs a million miles a second about what's going on when I lay down. I then said I was hoping maybe just maybe you would of been able to tell me something so I could enjoy Christmas with my family. She couldn't believe that since they would have the results in about an hour that they were making me wait until after Christmas. I told her there were no opening and double bookings with the holiday and they took an extra day for it. So, she said words to me that felt like a ton of brick had been lifted from my chest and gives me hope. She said "I'm no Dr. and I'm not the radiologist who gives the Dr. the image results, but I have done this scan on numerous women that have came in and did/does have breast cancer and your images look nothing like theirs do." Insert my huge sigh of relief right here. I just hope and pray she's right and really does know what she's looking at and not just giving me false hope.

Baking Bliss

In the past few days I've been on a mission. I've started my baking for Christmas. It's helping to keep my mind off my Dr's findings and off the fact that time seems to be creeping by to get the my mammogram appt. tomorrow and then I won't get results until the Monday after Christmas. Any way, it's helping but at the same time I think I've taken on a whole other form of stress...LOL! Cooking and baking are my passion, but when you have to do it in abundance you may just get to the point that you hate it. Not to that point YET! Can't say that I won't be by the time Christmas is here and over though. Any how, I always make one cookie platter to take to my Mom's side of the family's Christmas Eve celebration, but since all the other madness has come upon my life and I needed a distraction I offered to make not one, but three more cookie platters. I'm also trying out some sort of new recipes this year. I've made them before but I'm putting some twists on them. I'm trying to stick with just one theme of cookies and I've decided to make Hershey's kiss cookie/candy recipes. You can get some of those type of recipes here. I've also tried my hand at hard-tact candy, which turned out to be super easy. So, I went overboard with making it and bought 9 different flavors, and made two batches of each. Meaning I made 18 batches and now have about 10lbs of hard candy. I should of stopped there, but it was so fun and stress relieving breaking up all that candy with a rubber mallet... LOL! I just kept going with candy making from there though. I've made 5 dozen buckeyes and a pound of fudge. I'll start my cookie bake-off probably Tuesday, and I still have a strawberry brownie cheesecake to make, as well as no-bake cookies, a PB cream pie, and a pumpkin pie. If I don't end up gaining weight for Christmas it'll be a miracle. Can you tell I'm in charge of dessert at the 4 dinners/places we host/go to? That would be why I've made so much. I can't wait until the big day gets here. I'm looking forward to it and nibbling on all these goodies. In the meantime I'm being a good girl and not eating any of them. Promise!

PS: If you would like the recipe for anything I mentioned just leave me a comment and I'll get it to you. Happy Holidays!!

Blog Design Giveaway

The very creative FabulousK is having a giveaway running until Sunday that will give your blog a face-lift for the New Year. So head on over to her blog by clicking --------> HERE for your chance to win. Good Luck!!

Dr. Appt For The "Weird" and Scared To Death

I got a phone call from my Dr. yesterday after getting my routine thyroid levels checked, and on the current dose I'm on my TSH level is no where near the normal range or high like I had originally thought (since I have hypothyroidism) it was zero. He said this was indicative of possible thyroid failure or it turning around to be hyperthyroidism now. So, then I went on to tell him that out of the blue on Monday my boobs started leaking, and it's been a little over 2yrs since I've had anything like this happen. I'm not talking a tiny bit or anything like that. I'm talking my shirt front wet like let down leaking, and it happened 3 times that day. Plus, I had had a couple of knots in each breast and tenderness. I asked him if this could be related. He told me that he wasn't to for sure but it was possible and he wanted to look up somethings and scheduled me for an appt. for this morning at 10:30am for more testing.

So, I went to the Dr and I'm back from, and I feel as if I have been punched in the gut. He did a breast exam on me after I explained to him everything that had been going on. He found two lumps that were hard and non-moveable in my left breast (the one that has been leaking), and I have swollen lymph nodes under my arms pits, in the fatty tissue hanging from my arms at my muscle, and on my neck. He started mentioning pituitary gland tumors, but made most talk of breast cancer and family history of it which I have. I asked specifically about a breast infection and a molar pregnancy after researching symptoms I have and coming up with these diagnoses and he said he wasn't ruling those out, but that wasn't what he was concentrating on as a big picture at this point as everything doesn't fit now that he's found other things (the swollen lymph nodes). He ordered a whole battery of bloodwork and a mammogram for me. I got my bloodwork done at the lab at the hospital already, and I'm just waiting for the scheduling manager from the hospital to call me back with an appt. time for the mammogram. I'm really scared. I'm always on DH's case to quit doing this or not to do that b/c his parents both died from cancer and now my Dr. is throwing that as a diagnosis at me. I can't believe this is happening, it feels like a nightmare and I can't wake up from it.

Weird, Just Weird

I really wish I knew what was going on inside my body. I'm telling you if I had the money and the medical knowledge to operate and know what I was looking at, I would buy me some high-tech medical equiptment for my house to keep track of the goings-on in there. So I mentioned my body was toying with me.... well it's REALLY toying with me now. My emotions are all over the place. Mostly they are of the teary-eyed variety, but I have some raging bitch moments in there.

(PLEASE BE PREPARED FOR TMI FOR THE REST OF THIS ENTRY)
Then there was see spot, see spot go away, and come again the next day. Now there is AF which graciously arrived in all her glory last night, but is really lite and unusual for me. Amongst the weird that's been going on was my boobs were looking and feeling larger than life and really sore to the touch especially the nips. I've also been twingy/twitchy crampy versus the normal saw me in half cramps, and there has been no PMS that I normally have just headaches. So, then the weirdest of everything that's been going on was what happened this morning when I was starting a load of laundry.... my boobs were hurting just like they have been then all of a sudden the pain went away and the front of my shirt was wet. My boobs are leaking, like I'm lactating like when I had *B*. It's happened two more times since this morning too, and I'm not talking a little bit but like let down type of wet, and I haven't breastfed since *B* was 15days old.

I've peed on all of 6 HPTs and they were all BFNs except I thought I saw a faint line on the last one to which DH said he saw nothing, and I tore it apart to try to prove my point. He then peeled it from my clammy white grip and trashed it in the kitchen trash that was all nasty and gross. To which I feel to the floor and bawled. I've NEVER had this happen before, and I've been looking online (and only coming up with things that make my head swirl) for answers as to what is going on. Looks like I'm going to have to call my OB/GYN that I hate to see if I can get in ASAP, b/c I can't wait until the beginning of January to see the RE to see what is going on, why I sit and wait, wonder, and worry.

Anyone have this happen or have any answers for me on what might be going on that are totally overwhelming and scary as hell?

More Giveaways

I came across another great giveaway just by chance, and thought I would pass it on to all of you Dreamers out there. It's your chance to win a $25 American Express gift card from another blogger that did a product review on Hellman's Real Mayonaise. Head on over to 3 Chicks and A Rooster for your chance to win by clicking --------> HERE!

And The Winner Is...

First let me say thanks to all those that entered. I had so much fun doing this giveaway and it surely will not be my last. So here is the randomly drawn winner from random.org:

This is the post from the 12th commenter on my giveaway:

Brit:) said...
Hm.well i could not live without my wonderful husband and my son.My husband for taking care of my while i am so very big and prego.lol.And my lovely son for putting a smile on my face every time i am having an emotional pregnant breakdown!But i shuld deff. win bcus i could sip on hot chocolate while i got the pink slippers on and be cozy on days i can't get outta bed!hehe!thanks for being there threw my pregnancy and bfor!Hope things look up for you at the first of the year!

December 8, 2009 9:23 PM



Brit has been a very good friend of mine for quite a few years despite our ups and downs, and I'm very happy she won. Any way, this is Brit and her happy little family that they are about to add 2 more (boy/girl twins) too in early January. Aren't they cute?:



CONGRATS Brit, I'll be getting ahold of you to claim your prize, and rub that baby belly for me.

More Amazing Giveaways

BlogHer is having another amazing giveaway. This time for a HP Touch-Smart 600 computer. These are the 5 amazing bloggers that are offering this giveaway listed below. Check them out for your chance to win.... or don't b/c I really want one of these computers.... LOL.

Mckmama

Kelly's Korner

A Year of Slow Cooking

NieNie Dialogues

Boo Mama

A Few Of My Favorite Things Giveaway

CONTEST IS NOW OVER!

***I'VE REVISED MY RULES FOR THIS GIVEAWAY, PLEASE CHECK OUT THEM OUT!! THEY HAVE ASTERISKS BESIDE THEM!!***

After happily blogging for over 3yrs and this being my 150th entry, I decided that it was time for a giveaway. Oh, and what better time of year to do it than winter and right around Christmas. I originally wanted to do 12 days of giveaways, but as I love so many things this time of year it could of gotten really expensive, especially since this was kind of spur of the moment. (Perhaps I'll do that next year and plan ahead so that we have the extra money to do so.) Any way, here a pic of the things I'm giving away:There is Swiss Miss Dark Chocolate Cocoa b/c I love sipping on a cup of this made with warm milk to warm me up on a cold snowy day. There's Bath & Body Works Vanilla Bean Noel body spray and body cream b/c it's simply an irresistible smell and is only a seasonal item and I love it. There is regular candy canes b/c what is the holidays without this scruptuous peppermint candy, and there's chocolate dipped candy canes as well b/c I just found them this year and they are oh so good and delectable. There is chocolate covered cherries, b/c this is one of my favorite Christmas candies that my DH puts in my stocking every year. There are two bottles of nail polish in brownish beige and dark red cinnamon color, b/c I love to have my nails painted and these are a couple of my favorite colors for doing so. There is Strawberry Chapstick, b/c we all know how our lips dry out and get cracked in the cold winter months and this always helps keep them moist for me. There's GermX, which I've always had handy since being on my own but is my new best friend this cold and flu season with the H1N1 and we all know how good it is to have some of this handy. And last but certainly not least is the 2 pairs of fuzzy pink slipper socks, I have a pair similar to these ones that I love and they keep my feet warm and are in my favorite color. I'm hoping that the lucky winner of this giveaway will enjoy my favorite things as much as I do this season.

***Here Are The Rules In Order For Your Chances To Win!!***

• You **NO LONGER HAVE TO BE** be a follower of this blog unless you would like to be. If you're wondering how to do so, please scroll down and on the left hand side you'll see a button to click that says "Follow". Click it and follow the directions from there (you may need to set up a google account with your email address if need be). **(The reason for this is alot of people are either new to finding my blog and don't want to follow just yet or they're having problems figuring out how to do this, so I'm not making it mandatory to enter to win.)**
• You MUST leave a comment at the bottom of this entry by clicking on the "Comments" link, and then tell me something that you love or just can not live without this season for one chance to win. In this entry you MUST leave your e-mail address so I can get back to you IF you do not have a blog that I can link back to or I don't know any other means of getting ahold of you. You may make it non-search engine friendly if you'd like.
• For another chance to win you can post about my giveaway on your blog. If you do this, you MUST leave the link to the post about it in a separate comment saying that you have done so.
• For another chance to win you can snag this button below and post it in your side bar, (just copy and paste the code below the pic into an HTML/Java gadget in the Layout section of the Dashboard you can also do this for the post about this giveaway as well if you would like) and then leave another comment saying that you have done so. If you do this then you MUST leave a link to your blog in the comment if I can't link back to it.
• **BASICALLY JUST LEAVE A COMMENT SAYING YOU'D LIKE TO BE ENTERED AND TELL ME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT FOR THE WINTER/CHRISTMAS SEASON AND MAKE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IF I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET IN CONTACT WITH YOU AND *PRESTO!* YOU'RE ENTERED!! GOOD LUCK!!**

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Contest ends at 7pm EST on Thursday, December 10, 2009. Winner will be drawn by random.org and e-mailed. You'll have 24hrs to get back to me with your mailing information, if you do not do so then I will continue to move on to the next person drawn until I have a winner with mailing information. Good Luck to you all, and please remember to follow the rules or your entry will be discarded. Happy Holidays!!

My Body is Toying With Me

It seems the hag is late. Which is no surprise to me, b/c well never in my life has she came as planned. So, to add insult to injury I put a HPT in my cart yesterday while I was picking up wrapping paper to start wrapping *B*'s Christmas presents. I rushed straight home (b/c as my body likes to play tricks on my mind I could swear that I had sore boobs and uterine twinges which for me are a common sign of pregnancy) to pee on that stick. I was hoping so desperately to see two blissfully wonderful pink lines so that I may have my Christmas miracle and not feel left in the dust while everyone around me seems to be reproducing like rabbits. Of course BFN. I hate it that even after starring at so many of those sticks looking like that, that it never fails I have hope while I see the pee move across the window. AF will be a happily rolling in though as I've been an up and down hormonal bitch all weekend. Guess I'll still be looking ahead to my new RE appt. in January. I can't wait!!

Giving Thanks

I'm always so behind on posting about holidays. I used to be on top of things before I was a mother to my own child (you know when I was mothering H*attie the teenager). Any way, I wanted to right my entry for what I am most thankful for. But first I'll share how this holiday went down in the land of Baby Dreams for all you dreamers (alas that is what I'm going to call you readers now.... dreamers!! YAY!!) So, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, I was stressed to the max, and I didn't want to even be making a Thanksgiving feast let alone dealing with the possible baby name stealing H*attie... that's where.

So, any way I ended up having to do my food shopping for the meal the day before. I had to struggle through the crowds, but I got everything I needed to make a delicious and delightful meal... well everything except cherry pie filling which I ended up substituting to strawberry filling, but no big deal. I got home and I still had a semi-sick boy on my hands, but he was definitely doing alot better than just a few short days before hand when we did a rush trip to the ER at 2am, so I got to work on dinner prep. I made all my desserts, rolled out noodles, boiled chicken, made cucumber salad, put all the casseroles together and in the fridge, and around the stroke of 1am on the day of got my turkey dressed and put in the oven. DH even helped me in the kitchen when *B* went to bed which was simply incredible. Then finally I went to bed close to 2am exhausted and with throbbing feet.

On the day of H*attie, J*ordan, and H*unter showed up early, but it was no big deal we had already been up for about an hour. She came on in and acted like nothing had ever been said between us, and as if she had never done anything wrong. She still doesn't know if she's pregnant, but says she thinks she is as she's over a month late on her AF. Whatever. She did the same old same old that she's done every year since moving out.... sat on the couch and was lazy not offering to help out in the kitchen one bit, and *H* broke through his first 2 teeth and she didn't even want to take care of him really; she just let him cry and cry. (More on her bad parenting in another post... I'm trying to stay positive in this one and be thankful.. right?) So, any way, *H* is still so tiny but he's the tiniest little walker I've ever saw.... it was adorable!! However he was scared to death of us now (being as they haven't been here since *B*'s birthday party on July 5th) and pretty much fussed and shyed away from us the whole time. We ate dinner, everyone got stuffed, and everyone left for me to clean up the mess. (Maybe I should change the title of this entry? I'm sounding unthankful.)

After this we headed to my Grandma's where I figured things would be hugely overwhelming as my Mom's side of the family just seems to keep falling apart and not getting along. It ended up being a great time, except for my cousin's pregnant girlfriend going on and on about how fragile her belly was after wanting to pick up *B*, and him trying to climb her. That was really the only down side for me... I could of done without that. I loved filling my belly for a second time with different types of food there, and I loved sharing all the laughter and love. Just like all the holidays before this one, a tradition I hope to continue on in my own home with my own family in years to come.

So, now to what I'm thankful for:

• I'm extremely thankful to have such a loving, understanding, caring husband who is also an amazing father. He doesn't always make the wisest of decisions and they don't always please me, but he only has everyone's best interest at heart. And even though I wasn't getting along with his sister, he knew that I would of regretted her not being here had I decided to keep my heart of stone.
• I'm thankful for my son. B/c without him I wouldn't have anything to help me get through the day on some days. He filled the hole I had in my heart that infertility left there. He is the light of my life and by far the greatest blessing I could ever ask for.
• I'm thankful for family. Especially the fact that I got to see my little brother for the first time since Halloween'08, which was amazing. They may not always be supportive, and we may butt heads all the time, but I know that they care for me and are always there for me. They help make the holidays bright, and definitely keep the laughter alive when there are times that you just feeling like crying or feel like you're dying inside. They are what have give me the firm and steady foundation of the person that I am today.
• Last but not least I'm thankful for all the things that some people over look such as food, a home, my bills being paid, and all the material things that help make everyday living a little easier. And even though I sometimes think my health is really crappy and I hate my body... I'm even thankful for that.

So, lastly I'll leave you with some pictures of the day that I hope you'll enjoy. (PS: Don't mind the fact that *B* had no pants on in a couple pics... we're still potty training and he thinks that he only needs on underwear or a pull-up with no pants. We're working on the whole it's getting really cold out you have to wear pants too thing, it's just taking awhile.)

PSS: For those of you checking back to see when I'm doing the Christmas Giveaway, I'm going to start it this coming Monday.

Big Changes Around The Blog

For those of you that frequent my blog as you've noticed I've made many big changes to the Baby Dreams blog. I love designing things and being able to tweak things just to my liking. I searched for what my DH would say was endless hours on different template designs, font designs, "how-to" tutorials, and downloaded an editing program.... FINALLY I have things just where I want them.

For those of you haven't looked past the top post, please do. There is a place for you to become a follower of this blog on the left side bar. This is VERY important as I plan to do a Christmas giveaway later this week or early next week and it will be my very first giveaway and YOU MUST be a follower. On the right side bar if you're dealing with infertility there is a button that links you to a common thread that ladies and even men dealing with infertility wear as well as a link to
Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer.
(She calls it this herself, I actually have it listed as Stirrup Queens List of Blogs but whatever... LOL.) Plus, on the left side bar I've given love to the template designer of this blog... The Template Mama (her button is clickable as well so you can check her out if you'd like). And if you really, REALLY love my blog please show me some love by snagging one of my buttons on the left side bar or right here in this post. All you have to do is add a HTML/Javascript widget to you layout and copy and paste the code below the button, and please make sure you let me know if you snag it by leaving me a comment with your blog address so that I can come check out your blog as well.

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Last but not least if you would like to re-design your blog and you're having problems feel free to leave me a comment or email me at the email address I have listed in the right side bar, and I'll try to help you as much as I can. (FYI: I've made it non-engine search friendly and/or non-bot friendly so at is really "@" and dot is really ".", so on and so forth.) Much love to ya'll and I hope you're enjoying the new makeover as much as I am... Happy Holidays!!

Let The Stress Begin

Today is the first day of the next few days that will cause mass hysteria in the land of Baby Dreams, and as luck would have it.... I can't sleep. UGH! I have about a bazillion things running through my mind that I need to get done or just can't let go of, and I've been on a major cleaning spree. Usually I look forward to Thanksgiving, but this year not so much. DH decided to invite H*attie to dinner even though I'm still wanting to strangle her, b/c she got into it with J*ordan's mom and now his family has decided not to go to their house for the holiday and coincidentally now she has nowhere to go. Wonder why... seems like she's burning many bridges these days. So, now she's coming here. Double UGH! I'm so peeved at him for doing this, b/c I didn't want to make a huge dinner as I always get "stuck" buying and doing everything, and this year looks to be no different now. Not to mention that I haven't bought anything for the actual dinner yet except the turkey (in my defensive I do already have stuff for mashed potatoes and homemade noodles), and now I have to go muster threw the crowds later today to get the rest of it since we were straped for money b/c unexpectantly our axle on our vehicle snapped (another rant entirely), and DH doesn't get paid till later today.

But, any way amongst all that I have to sometime pay some bills that I don't do online, get *B*'s haircut, boil chicken for my homemade noodles and roll out the noodles, bake a couple pies and some other dessert for my grandma's, and throw together a cucumber salad all tomorrow. That listed doesn't include the grocery shopping and the numerous toy picking up I'll have to do and the last minute tidy up of things either, and then putting the turkey in late late late (actually early tomorrow morning) tonight. I swear if I make it through this holiday without flipping out on somebody going on about this family member's pregnancy or that one's or smacking another family member b/c they ticked me off to the point of no return it will be a miracle. I hope DH is up to dealing with Mrs. Bitch, b/c my hormones are a raging and I'm waging an all out war otherwise. But all in all I really REALLY am THANKFUL for this Thanksgiving... REALLY! :)

Hello Holiday Sickies

It never fails ever since *B* was born that when the holidays of fall through spring roll around he's always, ALWAYS sick. Right after Halloween he started in with a horrible sinus type cold and complaints of ear pain. A trip to the Dr. with a second H1N1 test proved that he was negative for the flu, but he did have a double inner ear infection, sinus infection, and the start of an upper respiratory infection. Fast forward to about Thursday evening.... he starts with sneezing again with nasty green drainage and a horrible deep raspy cough. Friday comes and goes and he's fine, as well as Saturday during the day. The last night DH and I lay him down for bed and he's fine for about an hour and a half and the cough comes back. He continues to cough on and off for about 10-15min until he finally is awake and gets out of bed and comes to the living room where we are. By this point he is gasping for breath and is having a hard time breathing (re: labored breathing). I tell DH we're going to the ER something isn't right. Once there he's still doing the same and his oxygen stats were in the lower 90's. They did a chest x-ray on him, and listened to his chest as well as the normal work-up. He has bronchitis now, and I'm told that he's had it brewing in his chest for awhile. Apparently when listening to the chest only a certain area should sound raspy, and his whole chest sounds that way which is an indicator that his bronchitis is almost to the point of walking pneumonia or full pneumonia. Scary stuff. He got a breathing treatment in the ER, and I have to call his pedi. for an appt. tomorrow to see if a home nebulizer is something we should look into, and he's on Zi*thromax. Never fails the holidays brings on the major sickies for my boy. Hopefully this round of antibiotics is strong enough to kill off this nasty virus that is lodged deep in his lungs. If you can spare a prayer we would sure appreciate it. Thanks!

Better Late Than Never

I'm so behind on picture posts it's not funny. Anyhow...... I thought I would post a few from some fall fun that we had around here and Halloween before, well before Thanksgiving and Christmas... LOL! We had alot of fun at the pumpkin patch and carving pumpkins this year, as well as outside, and I must say we had the most adorable little T-Rex dinosaur around. Please enjoy!!

**PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE UNABLE TO SEE THIS SLIDESHOW AS I WAS HAVING DIFFICULTIES GETTING IT ON HERE, THANK YOU!!**

Under Construction!!

Faith readers I wanted to let you know that you if you grace the the wonderful likes of my blog of the next few weeks please don't be alarmed if you see it change MANY, MANY, MANY times. I am a woman who's VERY picky and opinionated and I'm trying my hand at new things in the blogger world. So, please I just ask you to bare with me that I will come to a background and cute little extras that I'll love and you'll find more appealing. In the meantime don't be afraid to click on the link in the upper left corner go to Meg's site and steal some of her Shabby backgrounds, and why you're there if you don't know what I'm talking about she has some GREAT tutorials for beginners... so look around. Love to you all!!

On The Verge Of More Than An Emotional Breakdown

Dear God,

Tonight is not my night. I know that you only give us what we can handle, but I'm here to tell you that I'm drawing the line. I CAN NOT handle the cards that you've dealt me tonight, and you continue to keep dealing me for weeks now. You helped me to find my place in the world and parent H*attie, so now I'm asking you to help her find her place in the world and do the right thing. The family's cut in the deepest, and this one is to the bone and through the heart. You know I've been hurting with all the recent family members and close friends in my life that are pregnant. While each breaking news is painful to me with your good graces I'm still hanging on. I've went through this before and the depression was unbearable at times but I survived. I have the miracle of my son now that you blessed me with and I can't do that again. I'm telling you everything that you're throwing at me I CAN'T handle, at least not this time. I maybe strong, but I'm not that strong not any more and I CAN'T and DON'T want to fall apart in front of my child. So, please I'm begging and pleading with you even when I have so much trouble believing in you at times, but know that you're there and a constant in my life to let me be pregnant and have a baby girl before her. I WILL NOT be able to handle it if she steals the name that we've had for a little girl since we began trying 8yrs ago that's never changed. This is unbearable to me, b/c it's sacred and it means nothing to her while it combines both my mother and MIL's name for a first name and my sister's and my middle names for a middle name. You know we're not trying with treatments but we're not objectionable to a miracle either, so please hear my cries tonight and for once answer them. I'm tired of losing faith in you I want to believe, it's just so hard when you repetitively don't come through for me. So, please bless us, please take away my sadness, and please just be there for me in this time of need.

Amen.
*********************************
I got some news tonight that the child that I once raised maybe pregnant by another man other than the one she's been with for a couple of years now. She's been being reckless and careless lately, but after talking to J*ordan on the phone I realized that she has not a caring fiber in her body. There are so many pregnant people coming at me at one time that it's unreal, and I can't handle it. I'm a bawling mess, and my child is even saying "No cries, Mommy, no cries." (Melt my heart.) Having *B* does help ease the pain but I still have a gaping hole there for what I long for, and having a best friend, my sister, and a SIL all pregnant, and now possibly H*attie who'll find out tomorrow with an HPT that J*ordan bought her tonight before work....... I CAN'T HANDLE IT!! I'm not as strong as I once was and I'm falling apart and sinking into a deep depression. I find myself screaming and pleading with God as I did above, and even bargaining with Him if He'll just let me be pregnant. I'm having a breakdown and my wonderful DH who just held me last week while I felt like my world was falling apart with the news of my sister being pregnant is working tonight. So, now my only option is my 2yr old who is now awake from my bawling and gagging at 2am to cuddle with and hope that the world is a better place in the morning. Dear Lord..... please let it be.

Timing?

I complain alot about how people tend to say things to me at so not the right times. This includes my DH as well. He is the most supportive man in the world, and while I fell apart when my sister told me her good news he just held me. But he has his flaws like any man. Lately I've noticed that he's been doing alot of opening mouth inserting foot type of thing. That's fine when it's petty things that I make a fuss about at first but then never give a second thought to. But his timing on bringing up baby making this morning sucked. We were in the middle of BDing (actually had just started) when he asked if I took meds this month. I know he had to of known I didn't b/c the first injection of every month I have butterflies and just can't bring myself to do it, and so he has to do it for me. Yet he goes on to say that I was thinking since your sister is pregnant and all that if you did this would be a good time to try for another baby. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? Of course this is a good time, but I hate my Dr. and you know that and although I've seen a couple of other Dr.s since my last totally messed up medicated cycle I haven't found one that I've felt like I just "click" with. He knows all this. He totally killed the mood for me. Not the right timing to me at all, but to him it was since it had to do with baby making and we were DTD any way. I swear I love this man, but there are times that he's sooooo very clueless. We'll get back to TTC#2 soon enough, but I don't find this to be the right time just b/c this person or that person is pregnant and he feels the need to compete. I asked him even if he was doing this b/c he knew my heart was hurting? His answer.... "No, my biological clock is ticking." (shakes head) Another not the right thing to say at this time response.

I'm curious how are your DH's with timing and responses to sensetive subjects such as this or others? Am I the only one with a clueless DH, or are the hardwired to be like this and not even realize it bothers us?

Just An Unbearable Day

Today started out crappy just all around. I started out thinking that just 3yrs ago today I saw those 2 beautiful lines on a pregnancy test blessing me with my adorable little man. It depresses me b/c it has been that long and I feel like I have a hole in my heart wanting the baby #2. I know I should be content with the miracle of having just one b/c there are many out there still trying for #1, but my family just doesn't feel complete yet so I long for that next child. (This feeling was before I went to bed, and I had me a good cry.) Then I wake up to drum roll please..... AF make her grand appearance. Now I know why I've been this emotional wreck for a week. Thank you pre-PMS. Well, the day went on and I was feeling better some what. I've done some cleaning, baked some cookies, put a rack of ribs in the crock pot. Then I get a phone call from my sister who's been lacking in having time for me lately with having a house-full of company and have been having health problems of her own. She drops a bomb on me. She's pregnant for #3. I had had a dream about her and my cousin that I'm close to last week. That they would both be pregnant by Christmas. One down one to go. I'm happy for her, scared very b/c she's been having problems with her liver, but it doesn't keep my heart from hurting no less. Here we are struggling to see those two lines for #2 and she's only been off her bcps a month and a half and see the BFP. I'm trying to be strong and supportive for her..... but at the same time it's soooooo hard. I just wish I could be pregnant again already. Is that to freakin' much to ask???

The Awesome-est Of Giveaways

As I was frequenting the blogs I follow I happened upon about one of the best giveaways there is. I thought that I would let you all know about it here so you too can have your chance at winning one of 8 (yes you read that right 8) $200 gift cards from Best Buy. So, you can either go directly here to BlogHer and click on each of the individual bloggers names or click on each name here that I have listed as well to go directly there without all the fuss. Please make sure if you're entering this giveaway though that you read and follow the rules. And Good Luck!!

A Year of Slow Cooking

MckMama

The Life of Suz

She Just Walks Around With It

Nika's Culinaria

Kitchen Parade

Fluid Pudding

Bring The Rain

It Occured To Me...

today that I needed to make a post. Form last one to this one *B* and I both got better, unfortunately *B* got sick again this week. I'm a complete germaphobe so this is eerie to me. Any way, he has an inner ear infection and strep throat. ARGH! It pretty much sums up that trick-or-treat which him and I have both been looking forward to b/c he looks so damned cute in his T-Rex outfit is in the bag and he won't be going. I'm pretty sure that after the shot in his hip last night he's not contagious 24hrs out, but I'm not taking my chances on him getting worse with our weather going from warm and sunny to cold and rainy in the blink of an eye. So, any way, that's what's going on with him other than him being his terrible Monster self and well being almost completely potty trained, and all of a sudden being afraid of the dark and sleeping in our bed. Otherwise there could be worse issues.

It also occured to me today that I need to spruce up the blog. I had had the old background for far too long and since I (big puffy heart) fall, I figured I do something like that and try to cling on to it while it quickly fades into winter around here. Thanks chicky for showing me the background I love it. And just b/c I didn't want totally steal what you already had I tweaked the colors and fonts and what not. What can I say we've always said we're sisters from other mothers so it's only natural we would like the same thing. LOL.

And... it occurred to me today that here it is the 28th of the month and I'm yet to see AF. So, I when I filled *B*'s prescription today at the pharmacy I bought a test and had to torture myself even though I knew the answer. But you see I had hope b/c I had been regular in AF even when I wasn't doing teatments, I have been moody and very teary eyed here and there for no reason, and I have an increase in appetite and I thought that could be b/c of dieting guess it's is really....b/c no chance. My hope with smashed with the BIGGEST FATTEST NEGATIVE ever. Boo! Here's to hoping I guess. I'm still trying to lose weight to see if that helps jump start something "right" in my ovarian system. Who knows I'm ye of little faith.

So, that about wraps things up around here for this update. The holidays are soon approaching and I'm dreading it. Family drama has already began amongst the extended family and I want to leave the country. And, well I need to get my butt in gear with Christmas shopping so I can check that stresser off my ever growing list. Blessed be to all, and I hope that you're having a wonderful fall!!

Moms Aren't Allowed To Get Sick

Unfortunately *B* and me are both sick. *B* started in with his last Tues., and I started with mine this past Thurs. Any way, I was so scared it was the stupid H1N1, thank goodness it's not. I hate this illness, and even more so b/c *B* and I are both allergic to the regular flu vaccine and have been advised not to get the H1N1 vaccine b/c it's a live virus with an even potentially higher medical risk of an allergic reaction. I feel like we're sitting ducks to this flu or any flu for that matter. (Let me step off my irrational soap box.) Any way, we both have upper respiratory infections. I'm feeling somewhat better today and I think *B* is too since we started antibiotics, but he's still whinny and Mommy is nerve-racked. Thankfully as I type this he's napping (something I feel like I could do too, but I need time to do other things without him being a cling-on like shower or put my house in order for instance, and well blog...lol). Any way, while we've been sick and DH has been taking care of us my house has went to hell in a hand basket. I came out of my fog this morning to realize my double sink was over flowing with dishes onto the counter, laundry is stacked up in the hamper, on the hamper and around the hamper (how does this happen in 4 days???), the trash is over flowing, there are toys scattered about everywhere, as well as pillows and blankets, and my microwave now blows green sparks and pops at you. NIIICCCEEE!!!!! I'm telling you the woman that makes the household run smoothly CAN. NOT. GET. SICK!!! It's just not allowed b/c when it happens everything falls apart.

So, even though I'm only feeling about 70% of the normal I've been on a re-establishing my house mission today. Hey, and I'm one-upping myself by actually making something for dinner that doesn't come out of a can or box or take-out as DH and *B* somewhat have been eating for 4days. LOL! And sometime (not today b/c I'm not about spreading my illness to others) I have to make a trip to Wally World aka W*al-M*art to get some groceries and a new microwave. What fun..... *sigh*.

But on a positive note to all this, while I was sick I won my blogging buddy Jill's Christmas Giveaway that I made mention of in my last post. I'm excited to start blarring in the Christmas music to get me in the holiday mood.

A Christmas Giveaway

In case you don't frequent her blog. I wanted to mention an amazingly inspirational woman in bloggerland's Christmas giveaway. Jill is ringing in the season early with Christmas music and many other giveaways to follow. So please follow the link below her giveaway picture for your chance to enter.

The Averitt Fam Blog

Double Blogging

I committed myself to getting fit this morning. I've been contemplating doing something about my obesity for awhile. I do eat right, I just need to be eating better than right and doing more. So, this morning I started researching different weight-loss blogs and websites as well as diet and exercise blogs and sites and healthy recipe sites. I've complied a list in my bookmarks of different motivational places and printed off a couple dozen recipes. Plus, as I mentioned in my last post about thinking about starting a new blog for this journey..... I have!! The link is below so please check it out if you have time as I'll be blogging there everyday until the progress gets better and noticeable. Don't be alarmed though I'll still be here to ramble on about everyday things, I just didn't want this blog to go from mothering, to infertility, to dieting, and nothing else as I've noticed I've been inching towards that is why I started the new blog.

Baby Steps To Weight Loss

Checking In

I wanted you all to know that have checked in on me that I'm doing alright. There are some things going on at home that I don't have time to go into detail about right now as it's 1:30am and I should be in bed. We're not doing fertility treatments right now..... per Dr's orders, my request, and the fact that I want to find a new Dr. b/c I hate my current clinic. Also, I wanted to document that all it took was an entry about still holding onto hope about the cycle for spot to show up, and the hag to rear her ugly face the following day (9/19/09). I'll be back with another entry soon after I iron out the kinks at home, and I'm thinking of starting a diet/excercise/weightloss blog but I'll let ya'll know all about that when it's a more decent hour for writing..... in the meantime I'm perfectly fine and thanks for checking and caring.

Hung Out To Dry

That is exactly how I feel these days. Try as I might to be ok with this past cycle I just can't move forward. I don't understand how I could have 3 glorious follicles on ultrasound, give myself a trigger shot and still not ovulate one of them. I feel clueless to infertility all over again like when I was first diagnosed, and just beginning my research on my diagnosis. This was a curve ball thrown my way and it's hard to wrap my head around it let alone think about it. I went to see my Dr. so I could speak with him about the goings-on in his office, how I felt as though I slipped through the cracks and about as to why I didn't ovulate even after using the HcG injection. His answers were summed up in placing blame on my PCOS. He said that even though there are adequate sized follicles present does not mean with the HcG boost they will release with PCOS. That a woman with PCO producing an extra hormone that develops a resistance in this task, which has became the case for me this go-round. I hate my dysfunctional ovaries. I hate my body. I'm crampy, emotional, and irritable but AF still hasn't visited. Not that I would welcome her presence none-the-less. It makes me cling to hope that maybe the lab work for my progesterone level was wrong. I mean for the past 4months I've been having AF on my own, no inducing of her necessary. I guess this false sense of hope makes me a stupid infertile woman. Lord knows, heck I know, this is a hopeless cycle. It's a bust. Why can't my head and my heart be on the same page about that?

Next course of treatment doesn't hold any hope to me either as there are not many changes from this time. He's increased my dosage of Met*formin from 2- 850mg tablets a day to 2- 1000mg tablets a day hoping it brings down the reaction in my ovaries and body. I'm not doing any type of treatment for the coming month other than that. Then once late October early November's AF arrives I'm getting a baseline u/s done on CD3, Cl*omid 150mg CD3-7, Menopur 225iu everyday starting on CD5, E2 levels every other day starting on CD7, u/s everyday starting on CD9 (this part is different from last time), triggering this time when a dominant follicle reaches 22-24mm instead of 18-20mm. And we've even though there are no sperm issues we've been what I feel like is only to be put as "bullied" into an IUI.

So, now you can tell where my title came from.... that is pretty much what this office is doing to me. Hanging me out to dry, b/c they didn't get me pregnant before and had to refer me off where all I heard there was my only options were IVF, so they don't really care one way or the other if they get me pregnant with #2, b/c they can just do the same thing again. Here's the kicker to there bullshit fertility lines and treatments I conceived *B* naturally after trying for almost 6yrs. 3yrs of those with treatments and a hyper-stimulated cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage. Something clicked in my body back then after that, now if only this stupid Dr. would listen to me about all the meds I was on then, maybe we could get there again naturally without all the need of modern medicine. If only.

A Giveaway

In case you don't frequent her blog or even know about it, FabulousK is having a giveaway for a blog design. She does amazing work so please check her out by clicking on the button in my side bar. Don't forget you have to be a follower of her's to be eligible.

Shattered Hopes & Splattered Dreams

I'm done. AF hasn't arrived. However, I thought I had the courage and strength to continue trying, but I can't handle feeling this way. I remember how infertility and treatments before took me to the very lowest points of feeling in my life. I had such high hopes every cycle, and I would continually get them crushed yet go back for more. I hated feeling like that, and I lost faith in God during that time. I can't say that I have as strong of a relationship with Him now I did once, but it is better since having *B* and I don't want to return to that agony, misery, and bitterness again. Any way, I found out today that despite doing everything right, and timing everything just how I was supposed to..... that I didn't ovulate. I don't understand this cycle or my body at all. I had three amazing looking follicles of perfect size, I did the HcG trigger injection, and yet I didn't ovulate. I just don't understand it. I'm confused yet not surprised. I continued to use OPKs after the trigger shot until my CD21 progesterone level draw, and never had two dark lines on any of them, and I was doing them morning and evening EVERYDAY. My results today that I sweet talked the lab tech into giving me since my Dr.'s office didn't call me back like they were supposed to on Fri. and give them to me were 0.4 meaning an annovulatory cycle. I'm not sure how this is possible?? Anyone any ideas, b/c I've scoured the internet today trying to come up with answers to fill in the blanks and I still have blanks.

To top it off, I'm fed up with my Dr's office. I love my Dr. He's an excellent physician and caring man, but the nurses his office is staffed with are neurotic insensitive morons. Most of them are new, a couple have no gynecological/obstetric/infertility experience. They don't relay messages appropriately. I'm having to give each one my patient history each time I call in b/c they're too stupid to pull up my name on their laptop in front of their faces. They don't return phone calls until you blow up their phone or voicemail. And, when ever I call in toward the end of a cycle after my patient run through the first question is always "Are you pregnant?" instead of "what can I do for you?" or something of that nature which is like a knife to the already emotionally sensitive heart. I felt as though the past 2-2 1/2 months I fell threw the cracks in that office. So, I'm in the process of finding a new Dr. One that I'll feel comfortable with and one that will treat me with respect not only as a regular OB/GYN patient but an infertility patient as well, and so will her/his nurses. In the meantime, I'm done with treatments and I'm on a weight loss mission, b/c unfortunately treatments combined with a little depression has helped me to pack on a few extra pounds that I don't want.

For now I'm off to snuggle with *B*, for I am so blessed to be his mother. And every minute with him helps to heal my ever aching heart. Thanks everyone for your support and prayers this cycle, just wish it would of played out differently.

Follicle Scan Was Today

The results are in and I'm super pleased and EXCITED!! I'm on CD12, and super amazed at how well this cycle went. My protocol never had to be changed thankfully. My E2 rised like it was supposed to. Today at 11am I saw the most amazing sight on u/s. I had a bunch of tiny little follies no bigger than 12mm on my left ovary, and on my right ovary (the one I've been having some tenderness in) were 3 beautifully sized follies measuring at 17mm, 18mm, and 20mm. I also had a bunch of little ones in that same ovary but no bigger than 9mm. I'm to give myself one more Me*nopur injection tonite of 225iu, and then tomorrow night the trigger shot. Please ladies send some baby dust my way, b/c with follies like these I really need it. Thanks and I'll keep you posted.

Boo-Boo For the *B* Monster

***WARNING: THIS ENTRY CONTAINS GRAPHIC GUT CHURNING PICS AT THE END SO PLEASE BE ADVISED!!!***

My little monkey acquired his first serious injury this past weekend. Of course I totally freaked out while DH played it all no big deal like, but whatever. He's my boy and seeing blood pour from anywhere out of his body is just too much. Here's what happened:

We were at DH's annual employee's hog roast/pool party. It's been held the past few years at the local water park/aquatic center. We've taken *B* there quite a few times and he's such a little fish anymore. He's not scared at all and just follows along with what other's are doing. Well there is a kiddy area that has this huge waterworks play thing in the middle of the pool for the younger kids. It has two slides on it, one being a curly cue slide that is open, and the other being a straight down closed in tunnel slide. *B* has went down both slides many times before always on his butt like the pictures indicate and the lifeguards on duty during the days make the children go down. We've never had a problem. Of course this being a closed to the public even the lifeguards were being lax on the supervision that they were giving to the kids going down these slides. There were numerous children going down all different ways that were not allowed. So, *B* my little social dragonfly that he is starts playing with this one little boy that I would say was probably 5yrs old. They're following each other around, splashing each other, playing hide and seek in the flat tube things....it was cute. No harm no foul. Well the little boy decides he wants to go down the slide. Sure no problem. They go up and go down a few times the right way. Then we go eat.

The whole time we were eating everyone could still swim and this little boy continued to swim. (No I have no clue where his parents were either.) *B* must of been watching him the entire time b/c I noticed that we'll he was eating that every once and awhile he would clap meaning good job. So, I look over and see what he's clapping about and it's the other little boy going down the slide doing tricks. After we got done eating, we got back in the pool and immediately *B* wants to go down the slides. We tried to deter him away from it for a little while but he started throwing a fit. So we took him up to go down the curly slide, and he went down a few times the right way to begin with, but each time he went to go again there were kids in line not doing it right. So, he gets up there again and tries to lay down like these other kids are on his belly feet first. DH sits him down the right way and he starts down. The little booger flips himself around the way he wanted to be before he got to me at the bottom and were the sections of the slide meet together he brought his chin down on it. He was already crying at that point and I was freaking out screaming for a first aide kit. I felt like nobody was doing anything to help me or him. Blood was just gushing out. Finally they took us inside the complex entrance and got him cleaned up. A woman DH works with is an EMT and said he needed to go to the ER he needed stitches.

So, we took him to the ER. He never cried other than when it very first happened. He's such a trooper. At the ER I had to hold a numbing cotton ball on the open wound that was freezing to the touch even to my fingers that he said "OW!" about, but otherwise he did super. He got 3 stitches, never flinched for the numbing shots or them. The nurses and the Dr. was super impressed with how big of a boy about it he was. He's very aware of his boo-boo and doesn't pick at it like I thought he would. I make sure to keep it super clean and he's so funny I use anti-septic wipes to clean it he'll ask me for a wipe and then pat it on his cut and so "Uckies all gone." Melt my heart why doesn't he. He gets them out on Friday....it won't be soon enough in my opinion but I know they need to be there until then it's just a PITA, b/c it's such a big deal to him and of course to me cleaning it wise.

Before (This is at our house we had to stop before the ER really quick to change him out of wet clothes and get our insurance card):

After (This is the next morning while he's still sleeping, I think they did an excellent job pulling it together):

Cycle Update

As you all should know I'm admist another cycle. I've had a couple of comments on what the protocal is, so I thought I would put it out there. Of course this is subject to change at anytime, but roughly this is what we're looking at for this cycle. I take Cl*omid on CD3-7. Then I do Me*nopur 150iu everyday starting on CD5. It's going to be CD5-12 and a follical scan on CD12 with more after that if needed. E2 every other day starting at CD8. I am getting the trigger shot this time, but since we have no sperm issues we won't be doing IUI. Will I regret that? Maybe, but I'm not trying to pessimistic just yet and I still have room to change my mind on that issue. I would prefer to conceive this child as we did *B*.... the more natural way (ya know in the bed). So, I guess my conscience will be the force to be reckoned with when the outcome of this cycle is laid out for me.

Any how I'll be getting back to my regularly scheduled program writing within the next day or so, b/c I have ALOT to pound out, and some free time. So, stay tuned.

Quick Update

For the only moment I have I wanted to stop by and let you all know that I'm still alive. DH has been on vacation this past week and rather than travel we've been doing things close to home. When I have more time (probably when he's back at work, b/c right now either we're on the go or I'm keeping myself busy cleaning so I don't blow up on him) I promise I'll post a more detailed entry about what is going on in the land of Baby Dreams. But for the most part I wanted to pop in and say "Hello, I'm still alive!" Plus, I wanted to make note that I started Clomid today and I start stimming Monday, b/c AF arrived on my Crappy Happy 26th Birthday. Damn that curse of the 13. (I'll explain it later...but chicky you know what I mean.)

Random Tidbits: Getting Things Off My Mind

I always have so much on my mind that I want to type about, but once I sit here I can never bring fingers to keyboard to put into words what's going on. Things in the land of Baby Dreams have been dull and boring for the most part. This month feels as though it's dragging on for me. Maybe it's b/c I'm eager to jump into the next cycle and I'm on bcps, or maybe it's just the month in general. On Thursday is my last pill before starting the ones to bring on AF. I'm due for an u/s on CD#3 whenever that is. Otherwise things in the baby-making industry are uneventful....well unless you count having ALOT of great sex without all the "do this" and "don't do this" hype that doing it for fertility reasons brings. It's like the stress of things are gone and the bedroom fire is a burning when we're not doing all the treatments. I love it, but it gets to me when it comes time and there's performance anxiety there from knowing that you "have to do it" then. Sorry for all the TMI in my sex life faithful readers.

Any way, in other news.... Can I just say I HATE THE TERRIBLE TWO'S!!! Yep, you read that right. I thought before *B* turned two was bad, boy was I wrong. Within the last week or two, he's started doing the baby grunting and whinning all over again. He throws himself on the floor when being told something to do that he doesn't want to do or if taking something away from him he isn't supposed to have. I hear "No!" more than 100 times a day from him after various requests. His eating habits went down the toilet along with his manners. He's no longer sleeping 10-12hrs a night, but somewhere between 6-8hrs, and no naps which makes for one very irritable mother and child. We put him in a toddler bed finally, only to have to him back in a crib b/c he rolled out, to having him start climbing out of it which he never did before, so he's back in the toddler bed again. I'm just do tired of him thinking he's the boss already...I mean I know he's somewhat spoiled as being the only child right now, but we don't go over board with it. There is no reason he should be acting this way. I guess in motherhood I must take the bad with the good, but for the life me it stressful when there isn't very many good days these days.

Let's see.... Oh I'm dieting again. Well if you want to call it that. Some call it a life style change, so call it what you will. I'm trying to get healthy again and thinner, much thinner. I've been power walking in the mornings when DH comes home, and walking again in the evenings with *B* in tow so it's a slower pace, but still walking. Plus, if *B* manages a nap I try to throw in the 30-Day Shr*ed workout video as well. I'm watching what I eat, being more precise on taking my meds (met*formin). (I'll admit I don't take it as I should. I don't ever miss a dose, but I wasn't strict on taking it once in the morning and once in the evening like I should of been.) I'm cutting out caffiene as much as I can without losing steam. (I'm down to one Diet Sie*rra M*ist a day, and one cup of sweet tea a day.) The rest of the time I'm strictly drinking water. I'm eager to see a difference by my birthday in just 17 days. I guess we'll see.

I've been a bit depressed. I've tried and tried to pin point a specific reason why, but I've come to the conclusion it's a whole mess of things. I could write a book on the disfunctionality of my life, but I won't b/c it's morbid and well depressing. So, I'll just a mention a few things, and that way when I look back on this post and things are going better I won't feel like such a retard for ever thinking as I am. First of all is my sister when she was in town. I felt as though I didn't get alot of time with her. This always happens, but b/c of my stupid naive thinking I some how thought this time would be different since I lived closer to my Mom where she was staying. The more I think about the more I'm realizing that my sister is turning into our mother....only out for one person: herself. It's sad to say it, but true. Then I've been missing my In-laws ALOT. I read all of your entries where you talk about doing this or that with them and even them getting on your nerves, and I don't have that. I had a close relationship with both of them, and I miss them terribly. It saddens me to the core that they're not around to be able to watch their grandson grow up. He's just like his Daddy and they would be so proud, while my own Mom could care less about seeing or talking to her daughter let alone her grandson. She has her favorites, and sadly he's not one and he's such a blessing. Why can't her and my step-dad just see that?

Then there is how quickly *B* is growing into a big boy. Each day another baby feature fades away, and it scares the hell out of me b/c I don't know if I'll ever get to experience that again with another baby. My future is not a given and there is no guarantee that I will be a mother of two or even three like I so desperately dream about. Then there is my marriage, maybe it's just me and everything going on that I'm already depressed about amplifying these feelings, but sometimes I feel something is wrong. Sure the sex is amazing, but when we're not in the bedroom we could be a million miles apart from one another and it wouldn't matter. I love him, and I've made mistakes it's no lie. I know he loves me too, but I wish he would show it more than he does....I wish he would show it like he used to at the beginning of our marriage. Maybe he doesn't and I'm just blind to it, but it hurts my heart to think maybe we're drifting in different directions possibly not meant for each other. Or maybe I'm just crazy and it's all the hormones I've been on making me think out of whack. Who knows? I guess we'll just keep on trucking along until we hit either get off the bumpy road to the paved way or hit a road block. Only time will tell, b/c it heals all.

Oh, there's H*attie as well, this girl has been through alot and done alot to get her life out of whack then back on track. Her and J*ordan are back together again raising *H*, and do I get a thank you? Nope, and I've even praised him for being such a good father lately only to have it backfire on me. I used to see two of the three of them almost every weekend before we moved. Now we live a 7min drive further away than where we did and NEVER see them. It's too far. I don't get that. They break my heart and I miss them, yet to tell them that makes no difference. My older SIL lived directly across the street from us before, now they see her like they used to see us, and to see us is "Too much gas, or too far away." Please!!!! I wish they could just see all we've done for them and be greatful, yet I know that will probably never happen.

Since I've rambled on enough, I'll leave you all with my peace and blessing that everything you want in your life may come true. Best wishes!!

4th of July & Brennen's 2nd Birthday Party

I know I'm a week late on posting this, but I've been super busy, and super down in the dumps. Any way, it was a great time filled with great food, family, and friends. On the 4th we went to a cookout at my aunt's house which was more like a family reunion type thing, b/c there were SO many people there and I only knew about 5% of them. Later that evening we walked the small little block and a half to the county fair grounds with J*odie and the boys and watched the fireworks. It was an EXCELLENT display this year and *B* and the boys were so cute about the "BOOMS!" Once that was over we were all back home where my cousin, her boyfriend, and my 2nd cousin joined us to fill our house to capacity for the night. It was alot of fun, but the next day brought ALOT of stress for me. I had help, but I felt overwhelmed in the last minute preparing for *B*'s party. I made 14lbs of sloppy joe, along with hotdogs, that morning. Plus, we had to set up the back yard with tables, a tent, and the luau decorations. All in all there was a good turn out, everyone got there bellies full, and everyone has said they had a GREAT time!! Here is a slide show from the weekend.

BCPs For Me

I'm so angry with my body. Just once I wish the damned thing would do what I want it to. I had an u/s this morning to make sure there weren't any residual follicles/cysts left from last cycle and sure enough there is one 14mm one on my right ovary. ARGH! So, I'm taking this next month off and taking a packet of bcps to shrink said follie. Got to love the waiting game of fertility treatments. ERRRR!

On a side note the plus side is I know my protocol for next month...and it's VERY aggressive. I'm semi-excited!

Should of Known Better

All the cycles before this one and all the BFNs, and then I obtain the greatest miracle of all,my son, "Au natural". I should of known better than to get my hopes up thinking that this would be the one. Especially since stimming wasn't as productive as the Dr. and myself would have hoped. Heck fertility treatments only left me with this huge gaping hole in my heart and yearning; and never produced anything but heartache and misery for me. So, any way the nasty hag arrived today. I had a nice cry in the shower, and she's early but it's definitely her. On to next cycle. I can only try to think positively and wish that this one will be it. However discouragement is upon me. *Sigh*

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby!!

My word where has the time gone? Seems like only yesterday I was finding out I was pregnant with him, and then the next I was delivering him, and here it is 2yrs down the road. You have grown leaps and bounds since that glorious day that you made me a Mommy. Each day is something new and it makes my heart swell even more with joy. Sunday we will be throwing your birthday party to celebrate the big day. I have been hard at work planning and making everything thing just perfect for the event. We're doing a Lu*au Theme and I hope that you'll love it. I can't wait for the big day to get here, but for today I I want to say Happy 2nd Birthday my dear sweet boy!! I love you baby!!

Ovulation Has Occured

WOOT!! I was starting to get depressed thinking these little follies were never going to make a difference in this cycle, that it was all going to be for nothing. I've been using OPKs everyday, and low and behold yesterday I had two BEAUTIFUL DARK lines. Today there was just one. So, I'm due for testing in 14days, and a beta on July 13th (more than 14days which I may request one sooner if I see a BFP on an HPT) if no AF. (That old hag had better not be showing her face around here for 9months....LOL fingers crossed.) Any way, so that is how things this cycle have shaped up. Fingers crossed all the BDing we've been doing has worked. Heck, I think we might just get in one more for good measure tonite. Least I get some fun out of this hormonal hell. I'll keep you posted.

Cycle Update

Here I am CD14. My E2 level is still lower than it should be at this point. I have 2 dominant follicles, one on each ovary. They were measuring 15mm, and now only 2 days later from the first u/s they are just measuring 16mm. Not what they were expected to have been measuring at this point. I've done 4 shots, 3 at 150iu and 1 at 225iu. My belly is bloated, bruised, and looks like a warzone took place on it. Both ovaries are absolutely killing me. No more injections for this cycle though. The course of action is to continue to hope for follicular growth, use OPKs everyday throughout the week, and get a CD21 progesterone level draw done. I'm pretty bummed about the outcome thus far, but I haven't lost hope. For documentation purposes my E2 stands at 113 right now after being in the 60's then 80's. Keep those prayers a coming, and I'll keep you posted as changes develop.

More Nerve Than I Thought

So, I went for my E2 level this morning. The number was a bit low, but still on the good range of things for where it should be at this point. However, the Dr. told me that I needed to do another shot. Of course just my luck, DH had to go back to work tonite too. So, I mixed the vials, and prepared my skin for the injection. He had given me two already that didn't really hurt, just stung a little on the first one when the med went in b/c I believe he pushed it too fast. So, I took a deep breath and did it!!! It wasn't all that bad. I didn't give myself time to even think about it this time, b/c I knew I would just psych myself out again. I hate to say it but I didn't even flinch, sad that I'm becoming immune to this pain already. *B* was so cute afterward too, he kissed my injection site and said "Mommy boo-boo all bet-tah." He's such my sweet boy, and this would be so much harder this time around without him.

E2 re-check on Wednesday as well as an u/s. I'll keep you posted.

*Warning* If you get queasy with these types of things don't scroll on!!





Here is documentation of my bravery. I'm sooo proud of myself!!

I'm Such A Baby!!

Here it is CD9, and I've got all my meds for this cycle (so far) in me. However, I couldn't inject myself. I was too nervous and scared. Last time I got the shots given to me in the office by the nurses, b/c I wasn't able to go to the injectible class to learn how to do them. So, this time around I was given a DVD and had to do it myself. DH had to do it actually. I was shaking so bad with the first injection that I dropped the syringe. After I explained to him how to do it, he was all to eager to inflict pain on me. I could of smacked him...LOL. He said it was his pay back for having to deal with me being bitchy all week on the C*lomid. I go for my E2 levels in the morning, and my first u/s is on Wednesday. I'm hoping that I don't have to do anymore shots, as I've been doing them around 8pm and DH works 7pm-7am, so he won't be here to give them to me, and I'll have to do them myself which I don't think I can do. Any way I'll keep you all posted, keep your fingers crossed for us.

AF Arrived

Just now the old hag reared her ugly face. So, to the start of what I hope is to be one very blessed and lucky cycle. Two days (Monday) and I start C*lomid. Then there was a protocol change for the M*enopur... I'll now be doing 150iu on CD7&9. Definitely scared about stabbing myself with a needle, but I know it's for the greatest outcome in the world. Funny thing is the two days I'll be injecting myself will be DH's birthday & Father's Day. Maybe that is a + sign. I hope!!!

Provera Done

Ten long days it took to finish this horrible medicine that will induce AF. Now it's just a waiting game until her presence. After that it's onto C*lomid and M*enopur. Wish us luck... I hope this is our cycle!!!

Completely Moved and The Lowdown Otherwise

I swear I think we moved in record timing. We found out about the new place, signed the papers, and in a week we were packed and moved out of the old place. Our ex-landlady is smoking hot mad too, but whatever. Her daughter (who was my friend) is also now a bad-mouther of sorts. They've just been running DH and I into the ground about moving and giving "said landlady" only a week and a half notice. Guess it doesn't matter any way.... I found out today she's got the old place rented already, so I'm not exactly sure what her problem is except the fact that she's an "itch" with a capital "B". Enough with the crap though.

So, we're moved. I LOVE THE NEW PLACE!!! I can not say that enough. We doubled our sq. footage, and we're buying it on land contract right now. Well, here's the deal actually.... DH and I have a couple discrepancies on our credit report that we're currently paying on. We told the current owner of this, and he agreed to make a contract that we would pay him a set monthly amount for one year, then he would take half the amount that we paid for the year and use that as a down payment for us. At the end of the year we can try to see if we can get a loan (fingers crossed we're able to), if not he'll continue to take the amount agreed upon monthly until we have paid him in full the amount he is asking for the house, garage, and property. So, either way at the end of so many years we'll be home owners whether it be through him or a bank/finance company.

In the midst of all the moving AF never arrived. I'm totally aggravated by this, and my Dr. is stumped as to why after directly coming off bcps I didn't start. I'm assuming the stress factor had alot to do with it, but whatever. Any way, I start taking pro*metrium tomorrow night for the issue. Also, *drum roll please* my protocol was changed on treatments. Not entirely, but I bypassed a step I wasn't looking forward too repeating, and I'm getting right down to business. I'm doing Clo*mid (as I mentioned) but now combined with Men*opur. As of right now my directions are to take the oral meds CD3-7, then on CD8, CD10, and CD12 (if need be) inject myself with 150iu of the injectible. I've done this before. Right before *B*, and resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I must say I'm scared, petrified actually; but there is a large part of me that is super excited and I have so much faith in this and I have a calmness.... almost like a knowing that this is the right cycle and the right time. It's strange. It took alot of persuading on my part to get my Dr. to get down to business, but I put it on the line for him that I would just seek out a Dr. that would and he would lose me as a patient and my money....and BOOM! he was writing out the scripts.

In other news..... my fun loving sister makes her way home in exactly one month. I'm looking forward to it. I miss her desperately, and I'm glad she'll be here for *B*'s 2nd birthday. Also, just for mentioning purposes my brother's fiancee is pregnant again for their third and her youngest isn't even one yet. I hate how they can just have kids without jobs and a means to an end, and here DH and I sit struggling and craving something that comes easily to them. Also, I found out today via another internet site that landlady's daughter who took Clo*mid only 2 cycles got a BFP today. She never had ovulation problems just longer than normal cycles, but begged her Dr. to put her on it, and he did. I guess it makes me a low person for praying it wouldn't happen to her before it happened to me, but it has so now I guess I have to be happy for her? Or maybe not. I'm so offended by everything that's happened that I don't know whether to be her friend or her enemy. I guess what I've always heard is true..."Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." I just don't really have a happy feeling for either of these people's pregnancies, and it pains me to admit but I think the bitterness of infertility is coming back to me with a vengeance.