Year in Review

2010 has been a rollercoaster ride that I don't ever want to do over again honestly. Here is a short list of my most memorable (or want to forget) moments. What are some of your's?

In January, I slipped and fell in mud & broke my wrist where my thumb joins at. I sported a hot pink cast for 6wks. Then I had to do physical therapy in order to be able to write correctly again as well as other things.

In April, we were blessed to find out that we were pregnant again. Only a to have another miscarriage just a couple short weeks later. My numbers never did rise but continued to fall from the very first beta. My EDD would of been today... NYE. This left me very depressed for quite some time.

In July, my Monster turned 3!! And H*attie was dropped off at our house on *B*'s b-day homeless, so DH took her & all her drama in. I also became an Auntie again in July to my newest niece Co*ra-Ly*nn.

In August, I turned 27. I know I'm not that old, but sometimes I damn sure feel like it.

In September, I enrolled in online college classes to get my Associate's degree in Medical Administration. Days later I found out that my husband was cheating on me with a girl that lived down the street while I had been trying to complete the Love Dare to help our marriage. He'd been messing around with her since the day after my birthday which was a complete low blow to me. September continued to be a hard month for us, as well as October. We were fighting alot and divorce was brought up many times. But, we kept chugging along and enrolled in the help of a counselor to help eliviate some of the issues.

October 4th, I started my classes but with the other marital issues going on even wanting to stay in class and do the work was a constant struggle. October, also brought a huge blow-up in this house between me and H*attie to the point that I had had enough and kicked her out. At which point DH's older sister became involved b/c that is where H*attie chose to go live. The older sister and her DH started a bunch of drama between DH and I, and at which point I made DH choose between *B* and me or his sisters. Thankfully he chose us. October also brought happiness and sadness all in one package... my sister came home to OH from KY for the last time in the next 4yrs, as her DH was PCS'd to a new duty station in WA.

December, has brought us joy once again with finding out that we are expecting #2 after a night of spontaneous sex when DH came home at 3am on his lunch break back at the end of November. LOL! Also, December has brought me to bedrest again with a pregnancy... but well worth it. December also brings back the pain of losing our pregnancy in April knowing that my due date would of just been today. December also has allowed DH's love affair with the girl that used to live down the street creep back into our lives. Sad but unfortunately true. I wish she would leave him alone, and he could forget about her but unless we relocate (which is highly unlikely) I doubt it will happen. I just hope for the sake of this baby and our marriage that he continues to do what is right.

I'm looking forward to 2011 and the new life we'll be bringing into the world in August if everything goes right. I'm just hoping that it's all peace and blessings for us as well as all of you for 2011, b/c Lord knows I won't be able to handle another year of hurt on the rollercoaster of life.

Happy New Year!!

Welcome ICLW and Other Stuff!!

Hello IComLeavWe'ers and anyone else that has came across my blog!! Welcome... My name is Catrisha and I've been blogging (not just here at this blog, but here as well) for 6yrs. I'm married to my loving DH, and we have one child. A three year old blonde haired blue-eyed ball of energy. He's referred to around these parts as *B* or The Monster. We just recently found out that we're pregnant for #2. This was a complete surprise to us, as we weren't trying and we were focusing on our marriage as it had developed some bumps and bruises these past few months. (All of these things you can find in five or so entries prior to this one.) If you're looking for more history on our infertility struggle, look no farther b/c it can be found here.

Any way, in other news I am 5-7wks pregnant. It was originally thought based on my LMP that I was 8 or so weeks along. After my Dr.'s appt this past Friday that was found to be otherwise. I'm nervous of course, b/c this is when I've always m/c-ed. So, due to that fact I'm on bed rest, and I'm on PIO shots once weekly, and progesterone suppositories daily. It's a nasty way to ensure pregnancy, but one I would do a million times over so that I can have the chance to make it to term with a healthy baby. I get another shot on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, and then I have another u/s the first week of the New Year.

In other news... *B* and I have strep throat. YUCK! I know. A really crappy time to get it being so close to Christmas and all. I'm hoping we're on the mend before Christmas Eve, b/c we are hosting the holiday here at our house for the first time ever. I'm really excited to do this even with all the other circumstances going on. I know that it's going to be alot of work for DH, but he'll manage. Is that mean of me? I hope not. LOL!

Speaking of Christmas, I'm so excited for it this year.*B* is all into Christmas, and Santa, and the reindeer, and even giving and receiving presents this year. I know that that isn't what this holiday is all about, but for a three year old... my three year old that's what it's all about for him when he doesn't know what Jesus and God is all about. Before I get criticism on this, save your time b/c I don't care. He's very smart yes, and I'm sure if I were to explain it to him he would understand but I haven't and I don't plan on it. I believe in God to an extent. I pray as well. But the truth of it all is I don't have a good relationship with Him. Infertility has robbed that from me, along with robbing me of many other things. Maybe one day I'll get on that level again, and I hope to but that day is not today. I'll tell my child about Him as well, but again that time is not now. So instead, I'm excited for Christmas b/c my child is excited for Santa and everything that goes with it. And, for me that is the hugest thrill in the world... so we're counting down the days.

Lastly, thank you for stopping by. Sorry if I seem hormonal, b/c let's face it I am. Sorry if I've come off as controversial for you, b/c let's face it I am that too. But, if you've made it this far I encourage you to please stick around b/c I'm not always this way. Become a follower of my blog, and I'll do the same to your blog... just let me know in your comment that you're now following and leave me the link to your blog. Otherwise hope you enjoyed reading my ramblings and Have a Happy Holiday!! :)

Telling My DH & First OB Appt.

First and foremost I would like to thank each of you for the Congrats, well wishes, thoughts, and prayers on my announcement in the last post. Ya'll truly know how to make an already emotional girl happy and sappy all at the same time. :) You, my Dreamers, are why I continue to write.

So, as promised I'm going to tell ya'll how I told my DH about our AMAZING news. On the night of Thursday, December 9th while my DH was at work I decided to take a test. AF was well overdue, but I had tested twice before in the the last week to week and a half and gotten BFNs so I figured this test would be another one of the same. Much to my surprise a very faint BFP showed up. I was home alone with just me and the Monster. I wanted to call or text DH to tell him the exciting news, but I only had that one test and it didn't give me much certainty. So, the next morning my first order of business after our normal routine was to head out to buy me some more pregnancy tests. I bought another box of FRER and a box of EPT Digital read out. I came home and when I had to be took one of the EPTs. Waiting for that little hour glass to turn into a read-out of "Pregnant" seemed like an eternity. Finally the 3 minute wait time was up, and there on the test stick appeared that glorious word I was waiting to see.Since I knew the night before I had asked DH if I had a time sensitive gift for him to open for Christmas if he would open it early. He told me he would, so I took the test and wrapped it in Christmas wrapping paper. I got out a small clothing gift box and tissue paper. I had gotten him a Christmas card when I bought the tests, and I wrote on the inside of it:

"I couldn't think of a better time sensitive present to give you as an early
Christmas present than this one. Looks like we did do it right again. Merry
Christmas. I love you!!"

I placed the card in the gift box in the tissue paper with the wrapped test on top of it, and put it under the tree. I waited until he got up that afternoon (he works midnights) and told him his time sensitive gift was under the tree and he needed to open it. He sat down on the chair and had *B* help him open the box. He pulled out the card and read it, then looked at me strange. Then he unwrapped the test at the end where the cap was, and I saw his eyes light up. He asked me if this was for real. I told him to keep unwrapping. He unwrapped the entire test then looked at me, and asked, "Seriously?" I told him yes seriously. He looked at *B* and said, "Guess what?!?! Mommy's got a little baby in her belly." Then he showed him the test.He had the biggest smile on his face. He got up and gave me a huge hug and kiss, and told me I was right about this gift.... plus it's the best gift he could ever ask for. Since then I took a test everyday until I ran out, including another digital test on the 13th.

* * * * * * * * * *

As most of you commented in my last post about how my dates may not match up due to when I took the test and the lightness of them, you were right. I had stated my EDD based on my LMP, but I'm a 35-45 day cycler. I had thought that I had ovulated around Thanksgiving, but I wasn't very for sure b/c I wasn't charting or monitoring. Any way, after my OB appt yesterday it was confirmed that I'm between 5-6wks (probably closer to 5wks). No baby was seen in my u/s, just the gestational sac and a little blip in the sac that the Dr called the yolk. Which I'm assuming is the baby? I've never had an u/s this early so I don't really know. My BP was 138/82, so I have to go back on BP meds since I had pre-e that developed into toxemia while I was pregnant with *B*.

I went over all my patient history (I'm seeing a new Dr. than I did before). He did the dreaded pap, and then the u/s. After the u/s when he realized I wasn't as far as what was thought, he told me he wished he had done the u/s first b/c then he wouldn't of done the pap. He was quite concerned about my recurring m/c's that I have that are early in gestation (3.5-6wks). So, he had the three of us go into his office after I cleaned myself up and got dressed and discussed this with us. He put me on PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that I have to go to his office to get once a week. I also have to do progesterone suppositories nightly, which I'm already hating b/c they are messy and gross. And, I'm on bedrest again with this pregnancy already. There was nothing wrong that he saw in the u/s, but he's just having me do all this as a precaution. He wants me to stay pregnant... good thing him and I want the same thing, which is a far cry from how my last Dr. acted like he wanted.

I've been having some brown discharge since my appt. that has actually let up now. And, my hip is extremely sore and bruised from my first shot. And, I'm sick of bedrest and I'm only 24hrs into it. But, it's all worth it. Next appt. is Christmas Eve for another shot. Not sure when my next u/s is, but I assume in 2-4wks. I'm glad I found this Dr. b/c he really cares about my health instead of money and what my insurance will pay and what I'm paying and when, which thrills me.

But, that being said I'll keep ya'll updated... and I promise not to stay away so long. I really missed writing these past few months while I was trying to manage everything. Thanks for still being here when I came back to it. :)

Updates, Updates, Updates... And AMAZING News!!

Hey Dreamers! It's been forever since I've actually posted. I really need to catch you all up on the happenings here in the land of Baby Dreams. Where to start? Hmmm....

Well, we'll start with how H*attie left. She lived here as you all know. We were trying to help her out, but you can only help someone as much as they wish to helped plus when they are ungrateful for every last ounce of help you give them it gets old really fast. Any way, in the last month that she was here which was clear back in Sept./Oct. she got herself a job. DH and I were really proud of her for doing so, but having an extra mouth to feed whom wasn't pulling her weight around here and was causing nothing but drama was taking it's toll on us. The beginning of Oct. rolled around and she got fired from her job after only being there for a month. We told her that she was going to have to take her last check and help out around here. She did, but come a week after the first she was staying with DH's older sister and causing problems between us and them. I had had enough of her crap, so finally I told her she could get out through text message that I didn't need the drama. Of course that started a whole other mess of problems with SIL & BIL being jerks like always. Needless to say, she's gone and out of our hair but in the process DH ended up wiping his hands of his sisters and wants nothing more to do with them.

With the drama that H*attie brought on and the issues that were already going on in my marriage with DH talking to and texting other girls prior to this, my marriage took a weird turn. We fought alot about the unfaithfulness, but our focus turned to fighting about H*attie and the crap that was being stirred up there. I tried hard to focus on fixing things, but there was a part of me that just wanted to throw in the towel and be done with it all. However, I stayed and I pushed on looking for sunshine in a broken relationship through the gray skies. Finally, toward the end of Oct. DH and I were in a better place, and we were able to communicate with one another again without yelling or in my case crying. Presently our relationship is the best that it has been in a long time. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.

Updates on me.... I just finished my first quarter of college towards my Associate's degree in Medical Administration. It was a long tough 11wks, but I'm proud to say I survive it. That is one of the reasons that I haven't been updating like I used to. I so very little time for myself that the last thing I want to do is spend it on the computer for a few moments more to update. I really need to though even if it's just a few lines here and there, b/c then I won't play catch up so much. I start back on Jan. 3rd, and while I'm looking forward to it... I'm dreading it a little too, b/c I know this coming quarter will be alot tougher than the last.

Let's see... updates on the Monster... he's getting so big and he's so rotten. Last weekend we went to the local mall so he could sit on Santa's lap when he was done he got interviewed by a staff member of a local newspaper so that he could tell them what he (Stinky the Garbage Truck), Mommy (watch the video), and Daddy (nothing, b/c that's what Daddy said) wanted for Christmas. They cut a bunch of the actual footage off, but here is what is left:

If you couldn't tell from the video what my Christmas wish is from what *B* said, here's a hint:

My LMP was the last one that I recorded on here which was 10/27/10. My EDD is 8/3/11. I'm a little over 8wks based on my LMP. My first ultrasound is later today. I'll post about how that goes in my next post, and about how I told DH which was really cute. But for now, I'm off to bed. G'nite ya'll and babydust or belly rubs all around.

Technical Difficulties

**UPDATE: As you can see all the technical difficulties have been resolved.**

If you've stopped here to read my story you're more than welcome to, in fact I encourage you to. However, I'm having some issues with my Webs acct that I use for my fonts, and I'm sorry that all sidebar and post headings are so dark that you can't read them. I'll have this fixed ASAP. In the meantime, look around and enjoy. I'll be back with a better post on the happenings around the land of Baby Dreams and a solution to this problem within 24hrs. Stay tuned....

Creme de la Creme 2010

If you're a part of the ALI community (or even if you're not but you're blog pertains to Adoption, Loss, or Infertility) check out the Creme de la Creme 2010 sign-up list that's now up over at Stirrup Queens by clicking the icon below. We'd love to have you as a part of the list with your single best entry of this past year, so go ahead and sign-up!! I just did and can't wait for the list to go up on January 1st!!

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

Neglecting The Blog & Other Stuff

My dearest Baby Dreamers... I'm so sorry I have been neglecting my blog. I have so much to write about these days, but so little time to do it. Being a full-time college student, full-time Mommy, and full-time housewife plus having family issues, marital problems still, and being depressed ALOT of the time has left little time for me to write about the things I need to be here. But any way, I just wanted to drop a line and let all of you my faithful readers know that I'm still alive and kicking and one of these days I'll find time to catch you up on my crazy life.

In the meantime I'll leave you with this awesome picture of my handsome little man with my fall decor:

and the side note that yesterday was the start of a brand new AF. Maybe just maybe (knock on wood) I'm starting to cycle some what normally again since the m/c back in April. One can only hope. *sigh*

Welcome ICLW and Things Thus Far

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven (or hell depending on the day) in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog but still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighten yourself on that. (Got to love how I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

If you're here looking for things about the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof... you won't be finding them either except in previous entries that didn't last very long. I don't quit on anything usually, but this I did. Not b/c I didn't care or I don't love my DH, but b/c there has been a change of events that has brought a hell storm upon our love, our marriage, and our commitment to one another. I realized after he started stalking my blog, after I started hacking his email and FB account that I wasn't in the wrong for doing the Love Dare or writing about him... but I was in the wrong for not trusting him. (With good reason though I lost that trust.) I also realized that our marriage is more fragile that I thought and that we need more help than the steps of any Love Dare would of done for us at this point. So, all I can say is we're not good, but we're not horribly bad... we're in between and we're both of us trying to work on things.

As for my blog and going private... I'm not. I thought about it. DH and I talked about it. He knows it's my venting outlet about a whole slew of things. He knows that I receive support from so many of you out there in the blogosphere when I need it. So, b/c of that I'm staying open tot he public albeit with some exceptions, which those that follow me will be able to pick up on in the coming weeks as I write.

In other news... H*attie is still living here, and I'm pretty sure that that chapter is about to close. After a very tearful conversation between DH and I, he realized that she uses word play on little things and with those words drives deeper wedges between him and me. So, he's giving her an out date now that she has a job. I'm hoping this time he'll stand his ground on the matter.

... *B* is growing like a weed around here. He's so smart. I've been teaching him his colors and he knows them all, but has a hard time deciphering between black, brown, and gray. He knows his numbers 1-10 and the actual amount that each of those are. He knows his left from his right. He's in size 4T in all clothes, and a size 9 in shoes. He's in love with his mohawk. He's got a tender heart. And lastly he's such a big helper boy. I'm so lucky to be his Mommy, I couldn't of asked for a more wonderful and perfect son. God truly blessed me 3 1/2yrs ago.

And in closing... if you've made it this far I and you find me interesting and would like to stick around, feel free to follow my blog over there on the left... b/c if you follow me I'll follow you. All you have to do is let me know that you're a new follower of my blog by comment. I'm trying to get to 50 followers, and if I do I have a giveaway in store. So, please I encourage you to follow away. Happy ICLW!!

CD 1

It's funny how in the midst of all the bullshit going on here I can even think about such things as the start of a new cycle. But good ol' Aunt Flo arrived here today. Maybe it's from stress or maybe my body is desperately trying to get back on track, who knows. However, I'll take it as it made last cycle 34 days long, which is a far cry from the 60 or 60+ day cycles I've been having. As for things here I can't really say, b/c I'm being blog stalked now.

YES, CODY, YOU READ THAT RIGHT... I'M NOT SAYING!!!

I do appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers, comments, and support though as it is helping me personally through this very rough patch. I don't know what I'm going to do about my blog. But, as promised I'll keep ya'll informed... but mostly this post was just to document my cycle. For now, I'm back to internet silence.

Privacy

Today has been one of the most emotional days I've had in awhile and it's only 4pm. But, I thought I would let ya'll know that I took down the blog's fan page on FB, and I'm going to be going private as well within a few days. At this point I'm not sure if I'll be adding readers to the line up, but I'll let you know before I go private on my plans. Thanks for always being there for me and being so great.

I'm Done

I was continuing the Love Dare up until yesterday when I got online and found that DH and this girl that lives at the end of our blog had been talking and texting each other. I had days 9 & 10 to write about, and I even wanted to muster up the love and energy in my heart to try to do yesterday's dare Day 11, but I couldn't. Then after talking to a good friend and posting about what had happened on my FB blog fan page I received this private message from DH:

"Hey i'm not doing anything with her just talking... and all she did was sent her phone number to my email. why should u save this marrage u didn't care about it 4 years ago... why now... and please don't be posting things that i do on the sites u go to... I've never cheated on u since we be married... i gave this marrage another shot...i bet none of them girls that u talk to know what u did to me...u always make it look like i did something wrong... when i didn't... u tryed to get rid of me once and if u want me gone i'll leave just tell me. I/m going to bed so maybe we'll talk or what ever..."

Apparently I don't write about how I cheated on him, even though I have just go back through my posts. Apparently he's never cheated on me while we've been married, (although cheating on me while we were dating and engaged is alright) and even though I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate. Apparently I want to get rid of him even though I've been doing this Love Dare to try to keep him and make things better. And ultimately I'm not allowed to write about him or us anymore anywhere, so.......... I'm not sure if I'll be writing anywhere anymore at all online except for school when it starts, and honestly at this point I don't even have my heart into that now. All I can do is ask you all to pray for me and us, b/c we need it. Thanks.

Love Dare- Day 8

Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15

I got rid of the negatives list. I don't want to dwell on the bad things about my DH. He's a good man and has a good heart... I just wish that 100% of the time that tribute in him came shining through.

Any way, my DH has been ginseng hunting. He's trying to get enough of it so that when he goes to cash it in we'll get back a good bit of money to put toward our county fair coming up at the beginning of next or toward Christmas. Yesterday morning he got up before the rooster even crowed to go out hunting and when he came home he was beat. But, he came home with ALOT!!! I told him today that I was really excited that he was ginseng hunting again (which is huge in and of itself b/c he hasn't went since my FIL passed), and that I was excited that he'd gotten so much already. I told him I was really proud of him and that I couldn't wait for the fair or Christmas, b/c I knew he was working hard to make things good for us.

Love Dare- Day 7

Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8

Today wasn't all that hard. I have a love/hate relationship with many characteristics that my DH has. So, there is a fine line and making the lists was fairly easy. Here are my lists...

Positives:

• He's a hard worker and excellent provider for our family.
• He's an amazing father in many areas.
• He has a big heart and will do anything for anyone.
• He's a wonderful lover when he puts effort into it.
• He's a jack of all trades and can do just about anything handy that needs doing around the house.
• He helps me out with house hold chores occasionally.
• He's a great snuggler.
• He's a great cook.
• He's great at encouraging me and everyone else.
• He's an awesome supporter in most everything I do.

Negatives:

• He's not very good at listening when things are important.
• He lacks patience and is short-tempered at times.
• He's not romantic or spontaneous anymore.
• He's jealous alot, and accusive.
• He doesn't give credit to me where credit is due, and I rarely get a chance to have "me" time b/c he's got some lame reason.

The positive that I picked to make emphasis on was his snuggling and cooking skills. He made dinner tonight and it was excellent. I told him so, and that he was an incredible cook and that I loved when he cooked for us. Tonight I asked him to keep me warm b/c we went to the races as well, and my has fall came early. He put his arm around me, and pulled me close to him. I told him I loved being so close to him and in his arms, b/c it made feel safe and secure. Loved moments like tonight.

Love Dare- Day 6

Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16

Today I decided to react to yesterdays comments, but with a clearer thought process. I addressed the other guy issue and the weight issue. I explained to DH that I am trying to find a healthier new me, but it's not going to happen over night. I didn't gain all this weight over night and losing it over night is just as unhealthy as being fat. He agreed and told me that he would help me in the process where ever I wanted and needed help. I have to confess though that I'm losing weight only to get pregnant again and seemingly become obese again, b/c well you gain weight while pregnant. So, that is one wrong motivation I'm letting go of. I've decided to to lose weight in order to be healthier and to be more active with my family, if I get pregnant along the way so be it... I'll just start over again.

As for the other guy issue, I simply told DH that in his head what he may think happened between me in the other guy didn't. In his heart I hope he knows the truth and can believe what I've told him despite the rumors he's been told from others. I also told him that when he's able to forgive me for the wrong that I did to our marriage then I will tell him the the details of the night that things happened if he wants to hear them. However, with him still having so much rage about the course of events leading up to my one night stand and night of betrayal I don't think now or anytime soon will be the right time for him to hear such things.

Love Dare- Day 5

Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritatted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12

Today was a hard day/task for me to complete. I did complete it, but the answers that DH gave me struck my heart right at the core. I simply asked DH to tell me a few things he could think of that make him irritated or uncomfortable by me. His response was almost bitter, and definitely hurtful. I didn't attact him back, and I didn't cry but I do keep thinking about what he said. Not all of them, b/c there was more than 3, but the ones that hurt me the most. He answered by telling me that sometimes being in the same bed with me after he knows that I slept with another man (which was 4yrs ago) and so "easily" put out to the other guy, when I won't have sex with him irritates him about me. I didn't put out to the other guy easily and he has no clue about the circumstances of what happened nor will I ever fully tell him. Maybe I should, but in my heart and mind it's better he doens't know all the details. It was a one time thing and still 4yrs later it's brought up and thrown in my face even though I wasn't the only one cheating at the time.

Then he made mention of my weight making him uncomfortable. Well, it may make him uncomfortable to be seen with me, but saying that and me actually being big makes m uncomfortable myself. I didn't need to be told. I'm working on my weight though now that I've went to the dietitian... but it's only been 2 days.

The other thing that he said that I haven't done is forever, b/c I'm not even focused on was basically asking him for sex on specific days only b/c I thought/think I was O-ing. Ummm hello, we both want another baby that is how you get another baby, he knows this. I just wish he wouldn't complain. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Love Dare- Day 4

Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3

Today was a total fail. I can admit when I fail, I fail. It wasn't a fail completely on my part though. I blame it on my electric company. You see I was mega busy all day long running errands for my Dad, paying bills for us, and grocery shopping... only to come home at one point (before having to head out AGAIN) to find a message on the answering machine telling H*attie she had a job if she could start today at 3:30pm. It was 1:20pm when I got said message. Any way, continue the frantic running around getting her things for her lunchbox and finding her a ride to work, b/c I refused to do it with it being a 20-25min drive away. But, I got that all out of the way and was finally able to head home, but still needed to go to W*al-M*art for somethings and didn't have time b/c I needed to wake up DH.

After I get home and get him woke up, he decides that instead of me going to WM why don't we go get subs from Sub*way for dinner, and I can go after I drop him at work (we have one vehicle). Fine by me. Well, we got dinner, ate, he got ready, and just as we're heading out the door the power goes out. It's 6:15pm. We couldn't find a regular phone to save our lives so he could call to see if power was still on at his work, so I had to take him there. It was on. I spent the next 5hours and 35min in the dark, with no phone, no way to contact him through the business of his day, and I didn't want to bother him by showing up at his work when if I asked him if he needed something I may not of been able to get it anyhow. There were 1500 customers in our area without power for 5hrs35min, and all do to a rolling blackout b/c our power company wasn't prepared for a heat wave in late August to early September; and apparently we were using to much power so the grid had to be shut down to conserve power. I so hated that and the fact that I failed a day, but I plan on doubling up tomorrow (which is actually today b/c I'm writing this on the 2nd at noon, but I'm back timing this to 11:59pm on the 1st so it shows up as a post on the 1st).

Love Dare- Day 3

Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16

Today wasn't a very hard day either as it's another work day. I had to go see the dietitian today to get on a better eating regiment to control my weight and sugars better, so by the time I got home at 3:45pm DH was already awake. Again we didn't have a lot of time with one another to even be able to fight. We communicated about my future dieting and exercise plans, and when I have to go back to the dietitian. It was a nice day. Again today I packed his lunch bucket, but today I slipped in a hand written note. (We've been short on money since H*attie has been living here, so I didn't buy him anything.) It simply said:

DH,

I wanted to tell you that while you're at work tonight, that even though you probably don't think so... I AM thinking about you and I LOVE YOU with all my heart. I hope that you're having a great night at work.

XOXO,

Me

I'm not sure if he's gotten it yet or even at all, b/c here it is going on midnight and he's had two breaks and still no phone call or nothing. Hopefully. On to tomorrow.

*********

PS: Jenni, I agree with you. I shouldn't sit back and take his verbal abuse as I did in Day 1, and we should do this together. However I know that he'll never do this challenge with me, not in a million years or more. Also, I do usually fight back when he's like that, so for me to bite my tongue is a change. I'm hoping that by doing so maybe he'll realize I'm not fighting back anymore, and by doing so we'll stop fighting pretty much altogether. Only time will tell, but thanks for your comments and concerns it means a lot.

Love Dare- Day 2

Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26, Proverbs 19:22

Today was an easy day. Or at least easy to me. DH works the 7p-7a shift, so he didn't get out of bed until almost 3pm today. He had to leave at 6:15pm. Not many hours to fight if we were going to, which we didn't. I often find that days that he works are so much better than the weekends that he's home. Sometimes I used to tell him on the weekends to "Go back to work, I can't stand you being home anymore." Now, I'm vowing not to do that and to savor every moment with him if I can. I just hope he realizes how much I love him, and how much he means to me.

He aggravated me again today. He just does these small annoying things like tapping continuously even when I've asked him nicely to quit, or calling my name over and over again even when I've asked him what he needs, or even this loud irritating hysterical laugh that sounds like a clown (you'd have to hear it to know what I'm talking about). These are the things I talk about when I say he's aggravating me. I swear he knows I'm doing this challenge, and wants me to go off the deep end on him just so that he can tell me I failed. I don't plan on failing. I didn't lose my cool. The unexpected thing that I did for him that I don't usually do is I packed his lunch bucket for work. This might sound like I'm a lazy wife b/c I don't do all the time, but I don't b/c he has OCD about how things are in his lunchbox. I'm serious. Everything has to be in the perfect position, and he always takes a variation of the same things. I've been watching him pack his bucket long enough that I could do it for him, even though he just goes behind me and takes the stuff out and reorganizes it. Today though I made sure everything was right, the only thing that wasn't was a snack pack of Oreos... the label was facing down, he has it facing up. Otherwise, he was thankful that I packed his lunch for him. I'm going to start doing it everyday now I think... at least if I can handle his critiquing.

Love Dare- Day 1

Day 1: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, I Thessalonians 5:15, James 1:19

Starting today was a real struggle for me, but persistence will pay off I hope. Last night we went to an end of summer party just like we always do. There were a bunch of idiots and drinking there (like always). DH doesn't drink any more and I can't even tell you the last time that he did drink. I on the other hand had one to many and was drunk. So, drunk I recklessly got on the front of a golf cart that could hit a peak speed of 30mph. Needless to say, someone else drunk was driving that golf cart and I got thrown from it and ran over by it. DH watched the whole thing happen, and instead of coming to see if I was alright when back to the bonfire. He still hasn't asked me if I'm alright, and it that hurts... but I must do this. I bawled in the shower at going on 2am when we got home telling myself only 40 more days and maybe things will be different. I pray to God that I'm right.

When we got up DH had in store for us the task of taking down our 12ft x 3 1/2ft pop-up pool. That was a challenge in and of itself. He kept calling me names telling me I was stupid and not doing it right. I was so proud of myself I just stood there, and continued helping him saying nothing even though I was angry and wanted to tell him off so badly. I'm not sure if he knows I'm doing this challenge or not. I know that he was way more aggravating today to me like he wanted me to blow my top, but I held strong and made it threw today and completed the challenge at hand. Hopefully tomorrow is just as well. Stay tuned.

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.2)

I'm really hoping that with doing The Love Dare Challenge that I will be in a better place with my marriage. I once heard this saying, and it keeps ringing in my ears as things get worse and worse between DH and I, "Don't make someone your priority, when all you are is their option." I love my husband, I truely do. I want to chase eternity with him. I want our family, our home, and to have grown old with him so many years from now. I can only hope and pray that upone completion of this challenge things will be so much different. Love , trust, faith, hope, honesty, and more over devotion will have been restored back into our hearts and our marriage. So, without further ado, I said that I would post the second 20 days of the 40 day Love Dare, so here they are. I'm hoping that I have a few joiners or followers throughout this journey, please let me know?

• Day 21: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are 31-a full months supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with him. Isaiah 58:11 , Psalm 145:16
• Day 22: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return." Hosea 2:20, Psalm 119:30
• Day 23: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13:7, Job 22:23
• Day 24: End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed-today-and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love. 1 John 2:17, 1 Peter 2:16
• Day 25: Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "Fogive us our debt" each day, we must ask him to help us "Forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive." 2 Corinthians 2:10, Luke 23:34
• Day 26: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel. Romans 2:1, Galatians 6:4
• Day 27: Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has old you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love. Psalm 25:20, Hebrews 10:24
• Day 28: What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet that need. 1 John 3:16, Galatians 6:2
• Day 29: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you," then express your love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way he loves both of you. Ephesians 6:7, Joshua 24:15
• Day 30: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that he would do the same for them. And if appropriate discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity. John 17:11, Deuteronomy 6:4
• Day 31: Is there a 'leaving' issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent on it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship. Genesis 2:24, John 17:21
• Day 32: If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your spouse today. Do this in a what that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy. 1 Corinthians 7:3, Song of Solomon 7:6
  
  *On a side note this day's dare is only for married couples*
• Day 33: Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you. Ecclesiastes 4:11, Colossians 3:14
• Day 34: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today. 1 Corinthians 13:6, Psalm 101:2
• Day 35: Find a marriage mentor-someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment. During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment. Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 11:14
• Day 36: Commit to reading the Bible every day. Find a Devotional or other resource that will give you some guidance. If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock. Psalm 119:105, Romans 15:4
• Day 37: Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Talk about the best time to do this, whether it's in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime. Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord. Don't forget to thank Him for his provision and blessing. Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself. Matthew 18:19, Psalm 88:13
• Day 38: Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can. Psalm 37:4, 2 Corinthians 9:8
• Day 39: Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place your spouse will find it. 1 Corinthians 13:8, Micah 7:18
• Day 40: Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your marriage vows before a minister and with family present. Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God's eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate. Ruth 1:16, Psalm 105:8

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.1)

It's no secret that my marriage has been on a downward spiral for a few years now. More like a rollercoaster ride actually, b/c it has it's ups and downs. More quick fast plummeting downs than long lasting ups though, as sadly as that is.

Any way, before H*attie came back to live with us things were rough, but I could see a change for the better in DH's and my relationship. Now, with her here things are back to slump and the constant fights. Too many nights I find me crying myself to sleep or days I just cry in general. My depression is at an all time high and I hate it. DH and I bicker and fight, and usually the root of the problem stems from something to do with H*attie and her constant drama and chaos.

I've done alot of wrongs in my marriage, but so has my DH. I'm not pointing fingers though. I'm ready to make my marriage work.... put up or give up. That's how I'm looking at it. So, I finally watched

Those of you that have watched it probably know what I'm talking about when I say "The Love Dare." If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm getting to that. Any way, this was an excellent movie, and I totally recommend watching it if you haven't. I've decided since watching this movie researching about the love dare challenge, that I'm going to do it. I'm going to document each day here in my blog how it goes, and see how I feel about my marriage after the challenge is complete. I'm hoping that it helps and it renews things and puts a breath of fresh air into our relationship. For those of you that would like to do the love dare challenge with me, I'm going to start it this Sunday!! For those that have done this already, I'd like to know how it changed your marriage good or bad? Any imput is appreciated, please and thanks.

Here is a day to day list of the dares in advance for those that would like to participate, and if you would like to participate let me know so that I can read how things go with you.

• Day 1: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, I Thessalonians 5:15, James 1:19
• Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26, Proverbs 19:22
• Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16
• Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3
• Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irratted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12
• Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16
• Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8
• Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15
• Day 9: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them. I Peter 5:14, Luke 15:20, Philemon 7
• Day 10: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the Laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage. Romans 5:8, I John 4:10, I John 4:19, I Cornithians 13:7, Romans 8:38-39, Psalm 32:10
• Day 11: What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with as smile. Ephesians 5:28, Mark 10:51
• Day 12: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first. Philippians 2:4, Romans 12:18
• Day 13: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs. Mark 3:25, Romans 12:16
• Day 14: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together. Ecclesiastes 9:9, Proverbs 23:26
• Day 15: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting away his clothes for him. It may be in the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes. 1 Peter 3:7, Jeremiah 30:1
• Day 16: Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for 3 specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage. 3 John 2, John 9:31
• Day 17: Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe. Proverbs 17:9, Song of Solomon 6:3
• Day 18: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your spouse. Proverbs 3:13, Proverbs 4:7
• Day 19: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have your realized your need for God to change your hear and to give you the ability to love? As him to show you where you stand with him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination. 1 John 4:7, Matthew 19:26
• Day 20: Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for Salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus I'm a sinner. But you have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your Power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace." Romans 5:6, Isaiah 63:9

Ok, so I fibbed... here is the first 20 days. I'll post the last 20 days before the weekend, but for now I must go to bed it's 1am.... LOL!

Why Her?

I'm serving up a pity party for one tonight. It's a combo of many things etched on my heart and the fact that I'm drugged up on pain pills due to pulling something in my back while giving *B* a bath the other night. Any way, I'm an avid reader of Mckmama's blog. So, earlier as I was reading back through her recent posts that I had missed this past week, when I came across THIS entry she wrote about her newest addition in the cradle that was her's and has went threw each of her children and that she will pass on to one of them. After reading that post I lost it.

I lost it b/c in my family there was a similar item, that was to have a similar set of circumstances. You see, there was this cradle:

My great-grandma and her sister were infants in it. Then when my grandma was born she was an infant in it. My mom and her sisters were infants in it. My grandma kept it and it was to be passed down to her daughter (my mom) for the first grand-daughter (me). My sister and I were both infants in this cradle... it should of went to me. It was intended for me. I got pregnant before my sister TWICE, but both ended in a miscarriage.

So, what does my dysfunctional disheartening mother do??? You guessed it, I'm sure. My sister with her first pregnancy receives MY cradle at her baby shower. The baby shower that I was throwing for my sister b/c I was so happy for her. But, my heart got broken at this baby shower. That was supposed to be my sentimental gift and right of passage. Instead I get some stupid blanket that my mom got at a garage sale that her dogs laid all over. (The tip of the iceberg on the love/hate relationship my mom and I have and how my feelings aren't of value to her at all.)

Now, my sister's three beautiful baby girls have all been infants in this cradle and she intends to pass it on to one of them keeping the tradition (some what). But, what about me? Here I sit almost 4yrs later, and I'm still bitter and hurt. That was supposed to be mine. The one that I received and passed it on to my child and be stilled in him the heritage that went along with it. Something my sister won't do, and doesn't care about. I'll never have that, and I don't understand why my mom choose favorites in her children, and why it had to be my sister. What did I ever do in this life or a past life to have things so bitter sweet on so many levels?

ICLW and Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!!!

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog and you still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighted yourself on that. (Geez, now I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

Now, back to my regularly scheduled blogging...

In the last week some many things have happened I feel like my head is in a whirlwind. First off, I turned 27 last Friday. (Yes, Friday the 13th!!) I was all worried and didn't have my hopes up that anything important would happen for my birthday. Actually, I figured DH would forget about me altogether like he has so many years in the past. I was so wrong! He didn't forget. I got ym hair cut and colored for my birthday, and he took me out to dinner, and we were supposed to go to a movie.... but I felt bad doing all the things that we/I had done that day without *B*, so I suggested going to the dirt track races the following night instead of a movie. (That got rained out, but still I had a GREAT birthday.)

Secondly, we were supposed to camping at a local lake, but that didn't happen b/c of the third reason I'll write about shortly. Instead DH and *B* camped out in the back yard and we had a fire in our new fire pit. (I may or may not quit calling this new sometime before the summer is over, who knows... LOL! Since we've had it since late June.) We also, went to the Col*umbus Zoo and Aqua*rium yesterday instead. I'll post pictures of that soon.

Thirdly and lastly the biggest change around here and why we couldn't go camping is b/c I was enrolling in college!!! I'm sooooooooo very excited about this. I've had my ear glued to the phone all week long until yesterday getting everything situated. I completed and passed my entrance test. I submitted my application for enrollment into the Medical Administration program to receive my Associate's degree. I completed my FAFSA. Now, I'm just waiting on my financial aid appt on Monday to see what types of federal grants and loans I'm eligible for. My start date is October 4th!! So, after all of that and a week's worth of non-stop time on the computer and on the phone I'm officially a student as of 10/4/10 at

I'll have my degree in 22mths. Then I plan to apply for a radiology program at one of our local techinical or community colleges, so that I can be a radiologist. Did I mention I'm super duper excited to be going back to school?!?! Let me mention if for you again.... I'm soooooooooo excited!! This has been a long time (9yrs, since graduation of high school) in the making!! Wish me luck.

Wordless Wednesday- Automated Post...

b/c I'm not here and we're on

Albeit it's only camping on a nearby lake, but we've been here since Sunday and we'll be here until this coming Sunday... and it's vacation to us, since we had to cancel our other one thanks to the arrival of H*attie. Hope everyone is enjoying the last moments of their Summer 2010 as well.

Another Year Older

Today I'm yet another year older. I'm 27. I don't hold high hopes for today as I've been let down so many years in the past. As you grow older I guess you just tend to expect less. The only I expect for today is for my IRL friends and family to forget all about my birthday until very late in the day. To cry, b/c my heart will be hurt and broken b/c of this. To not get a single card, gift, or present from anyone including my DH b/c I haven't since I turned 18 except from my Dad. And for it to be just another day that I grow older and my feelings are forgot about.

By this age, I had hoped in my grand scheme of plans long ago that I would be a mother to 3 wee babes running around my home with soft laughter and loud pitter patter of their feet. Geez, how I was ever wrong. I have one miracle blessing, and while I do have laughter and pitter patter I long for more children. I had hoped to have an amazing DH that never forgot about my birthday, bought me gifts without having to be reminded or told to, and/or took me out to dinner to celebrate my life on my important day. I have an amazing DH, and for me I guess the rest of that is only men I see in movies.

Oh how I wish that all those birthdays ago that if I had only knew then what I know now about my marriage and infertility that when I actually had my birthday celebrated before becoming an adult I would of used my wishes when blowing out my candles on my cakes for my life now to be so differently. Maybe if I'm lucky this year will be different and DH will surprise me. I have 24 more hours left to find out. If so I'm definitely using my wishes wisely. I'll let ya'll know what happens.

Oh and in case you're wondering since it is Friday the 13th, and my birthday... no I'm not superstitious at all. It's just another day and 13 is actually my lucky number.

It Soothes The Soul

Life here is still in turmoil and chaos with H*attie living here. I'm so short fused it's not funny. If she even looks at me wrong or chews her food to loudly or something small; I'm blowing off the handle at her. Forget about all the things that she does that tops the list to completely piss me off. Some of the problem I know the past week or so is the hormone overload I've been on. AF was well past due, but I knew she was a lurking. Sure enough, the nasty hag arrived this past Saturday.

Since AF started though, I've been this weepy teary eyed female. I'm like this every cycle, but it's usually only the first day or so. The past year or so it's gotten alot worse. I can actually feel the difference and change in my body from raging bitch to the bawling my eyes out baby. I saw a commercial on TV about PMDD, and I've been researching it. I know I shouldn't self diagnose, but I swear I have it. Every symptom listed is what I deal with tenfold a week leading up to AF. I keep saying I really need to get into a Dr., whether it be an RE or OB/GYN... but today I became proactive. I decided that I'm ready to start TTC again, so I made my initial consultation appt with the RE that I was supposed to see back in April when I found out I was pregnant and cancelled. Of course they have a wait list, and with cancelling previously I'm on the bottom. But, my appt is scheduled for late October. I'm excited, nervous, giddy, and scared about this all at one time.

Any how, since AF is here and I've been so emotional I've been doing some soul searching. While soul searching I've been walking at night with *B*. Let me tell you, that's fun stuff. You get a quarter mile in and he has to pee, even though he just went before we walked out the door not even 3-5min before that. He makes me laugh though, and dries my tears. For, it never fails that every walk I end up talking to him like he's a grown adult about my problems. He just listens, and asks "What's this or that?" pertaining to what I'm talking about, nods like he understands, is silent for awhile, then he'll scream loudly, then giggles uncontrollably. I love that little Monster, he makes the madness bearable. He also helps sooth my soul by listening, letting me cry, and laughter... it always makes for a brighter tomorrow. At least for me any way.

On a side note, take time to become a "Follower" of my blog on your google reader if you're not already, and if you have Face*book be sure to "Fan" my official blog site there as well for up-to-date (usually) daily happenings in the land of Baby Dreams... which you can do by scrolling down on my left side bar and clicking in the corresponding area that you'd like to be a part of. Happy Tuesday and Happy Reading!

Fan My Blog on FB

If you look over there to my left side bar you'll notice my newest addition to the blog. It'll keep you up-to-date when I'm not able to post an entry. (Kind of like Twitter but not... LOL!) Any how, I made my official FB fan page for my blog. Check it out, become a fan, and in the near future it just may have some prizes in store for you for doing so. Happy reading and happy Thursday!!

Wordless Wednesday- Really Irritable Lately

I could seriously go for one of these to relief some stress and irritability. Maybe for my birthday next week? Happy Hump Day!

Rants, Decisions, and Life

**YOU ARE FOREWARNED THAT THERE IS PROFANITY AND VULGARITY IN THIS POST!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!**

It seems like ions since I put fingers to keys and really pounded out a decent blog entry. Give me the bad blogger award or whatever, but with the lack of computer time I get on my own computer since H*attie has moved in and started ruling the roost that is why. However, I am on FB, and I do update there almost everyday and right over there on the right hand side is my e-mail address... feel free to add me if you're on FB. Make sure you include a message with your request that you're from Baby Dreams.

Any way, a month ago today in all her laziness H*attie came back to dwell in our home and literally hold our couch down. If you know the history you know my dislike on this event, especially given that the next day was my son's 3rd birthday bash. If you don't know the history, I'll shorten and sweeten bitterly truthfully give it to you. When she was 14yrs old my MIL passed away (FIL passed the year prior). My older SIL was supposed to take custody of her in this event, but seeing as she had just popped out her 3rd child she had changed her mind. H*attie was left a ward of the state. My loving kind-hearted DH decided we should petition the courts at a mild age of 19yrs for custody of her. It was granted. Fast forward to her turning 18yrs old and thinking that just b/c she was now a legal adult in the state of Ohio she could do as and disrespect us as she pleased. I cheated on my DH, b/c we were in a very bad place in our marriage do to her always running interference and infertility. She found out, she told him. (No, I'm not proud.) Shortly after DH's finding out, I found out I was pregnant with *B*. Things were in chaos and rumors were flying but I knew the truth, and that DH was/is *B*'s father. Then H*attie stole from a store while I was maternity clothes shopping. I kept her out of jail, she returned the favor by punching me in the belly and telling me she hoped my baby died as I didn't deserve a baby by her brother any how. That night she was out of our home, never supposed to return... guess I was mistaken, huh?

Short story on that was, she left J*ordan and *H* to be with another man. Mind you she left *H* alone in the house in a playpen at 15mths old with a note stating: "Being a mother is too much. I have no freedom. I want my life back." (Whole other rant and post... stupid ignorant bitch.) New guy's name was M*att. While with him, she couldn't stop her cheating ways, and he found out. I invited her to *B*'s party, and he decided to bring her here with all her belongings, chaos, and drama.... and drop her off.

Now that she's here she has supervised court ordered visits with *H* with DH, older SIL, or me. She's supposed to be getting a job. (Still haven't seen the likes of that, and even though she has no high school diploma or GED... fast food is below her, or so she thinks. ARGH!) We've been feeding her without any assistance, not that we need it... but we were living comfortably and able to go out and do things, now we're not. She smokes, so does DH (I would like for him to quit but I choose my battles wisely) and he used to go through a carton every 2wks, now it's every 5 days which we can't afford!! The whore is out all night until the wee hours of the morning, and in a month has been with 7 different guys. She's even been talking about getting pregnant again, which I'm afraid if she does I may kill her. Plus, the lazy bitch wants to sleep all day even when I yell and argue with her to get up. She doesn't help do any household chores around here, and she's so lazy I've had to tell her twice she stunk and to take a bath. It's ridiculous. All DH and I have done since she's been here is fight. She's been talking shit about me, and the cheating incident that happened 4yrs ago. She's even told DH to paternity test *B*, and she would pay for it. I've came thisclose to thumping her so many times since she's been here I can't count them on both hands. On top of all this she calls J*ordan not daily like she should to check on *H* occasionally when she's craving drama, and starts arguments with him on the phone.

The sad part of all this is, DH and I weren't in the best of places when she came here. Her coming to live with us was unexpected. DH and I haven't been right since my m/c in April, and her being here has only drove a wedge deeper into our already frail relationship. Even worse part is.... she knows this. She does things purposely to make me or *B* cry and when I go to DH about it, b/c still to this day have to walk on egg shells around her; he shrugs it off like it's no big deal it's just what she does ignore it. When she was a child I was raising it was so much easier... now she's a parent herself (or at least she's supposed to be) I can't ignore her ignorance, b/c it's not bliss. But, I can honestly see us in divorce court if things keep on the way that they are, and b/c my DH has this huge kind loving heart of gold... he's not putting her out regardless of what she does wrong. I'll have to do it and risk the backlash that comes with it when him and I fight b/c she'll be homeless due to burning every tie and bind she's ever had.

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Any way, in other un-H*attie involved news... *B*'s not going to preschool after all this year. I wanted him to go, and way back in the spring DH wanted him to, too. But, as DH has let buddies of his work out of our garage that have foul mouths, and DH has one around them too... you guessed it. *B* has a potty mouth as well. Since we have to pay for pre-school in our area, I refuse to let him go, and pay for it when he uses curse words in perfect sentence form and laughs about it. He'll for sure get kicked out of pre-school in the first week or day. I don't want that for him. So, I've decided since he's only 3, that I'll teach him the basics that he doesn't know already this year so he'll have an advantage next year.... and work on not using profanity. Oh and I need discipline tips on this, to btw??? I threaten with soap, but would never do that. I've been taking toys away and doing time out, but it's to no avail. Far from what I got back in the day (smacks to the mouth, hot sauce, and dish soap) I have not a clue what to do. Advice?

In other news, I think I'm finally at peace with my m/c. I'm ready to start TTC again, but my body is not. I've gained almost 20lbs since my m/c, and I need to shed that and then some. Right now I lack energy as my thyroid levels are out of whack again, and my family Dr. is adjusting them. Also, with the live-in we can't afford treatments and meds, let alone a baby. It breaks my heart that she is coming first yet again to our TTC wants and needs. I wish I already had meds from before so that I didn't have to buy them. I know that any RE is going to look at Foll*istim or Gon*alF as a full course line of treatment, and that is out of our price range. I wish that Ohio state law mandated something more than just HMO's offering infertility coverage to employees and PPO's doing diagnostic testing. I mean that is a blessing, but I'm so beyond that. For me and everyone like me in this state once we've found the results out of our testing and know what is causing our infertility dilemmas, we don't have insurance coverage to help us from there. We better hope we have a chicken laying golden eggs or a money tree in our back yards, if we're just middle class citizens like myself.... b/c our savings is shot from previous treatments and our 401Ks are already being repaid to us not to have a loan taken from again from being tapped out for the same reason. Why do treatments have to cost so much? *sigh*

Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get in for a D&C or another lap. I've had one AF since the bleeding from my m/c. I have horrible cramps all the time, but nothing changes on OPKs. All BFNs in sight. When DH and I have sex it hurts. It's never hurt before. There are times that I have to make him stop, and I end up in tears. I've been putting it off for weeks now, but I need to make the call. I'm just scared of what the OB/GYN will find/do. I just know I can't keep going like this.... it's killing our sex life and adding to that wedge.

If you've made it this far, thank you! I had alot I needed to get off my chest and update you on. Hopefully I'll get more computer time, but I guess we'll see. Wish I could password it, but that would just be a fight with DH that I don't want. *sigh* Wish me luck.... I'm hoping my head doesn't spin off into oblivion.

Not A Completely Wordless Wednesday- Welcome ICLW!!

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers!! If you still have no clue what ICLW is, and would like to know click HERE for details and join in on the fun next month. We'd love to have you!!

Any way, if you're here you've stumbled across my little piece of heaven in the blogosphere. Now, for the brief intro on me and my family... My name is Catrisha. I'm 26yrs young (I'll be 27 before the next ICLW however). I'm married to my usually wonderful (I only say this, b/c we've been going through some rough spots lately) DH, C*ody. We have one little boy who is 3yrs young named B*rennen, but I often refer to him as "*B*" or "The Monster" around these parts. We also raised DH's little sister from age 14 on, and unfortunately as she's about to be 22, we're yet again raising her... but that's a rant to come at a later date. We are currently sort of TTC#2, but I'm not in the right frame of mind to fully throw caution to the wind since our m/c back in April and go full force at it. So, if it happens it happens... and if it doesn't well then I'll be back on the infertility bandwagon soon enough. Speaking of infertility, the problem that we know of is completely on me. I have PCOS with IR and hypothyroidism. Before we miraculously conceived our son we had tried for almost 6yrs with a whole slew of treatments toward the end of that time. Alot of that detailed journey can be found HERE and ends up running concurrent with this blog at a certain point. For the semi-short-winded version of our TTC journey, you can check out the tab above that say "My TTC Journey."

Now I'm for a quick ABC's of me to get to know some fun facts on me.

A- Aunt: I'm an Auntie to 14 nieces and/or nephews... including my newest niece born on July 6th.

B- Bold: I'm a very bold person whom always speaks her mind.

C- Cats: My favorite animal, and I only have one.

D- Dogs: I love dogs too, but don't currently have any.

E- Eggs: Make me sick to my stomach unless they're in the food I'm eating then I'm not bothered.

F- Fall: Fall is my favorite season of the year.

G- God: I have a hard time believeing in God, I'll admit it. With all the struggles and obstacles I've endured in my life it's hard to believe in a greater being as I don't think so much bad can happen to those that are good... even though it does.

H- Home: We're buying our first home, but if we ever add to our family it'll be too small.

I- Ice Cream: I love me some ice cream, but it's never loved me back... LOL! My favorite flavor is Spumoni.

J- Junior: When DH and I found out that we were having a boy, I wanted him to be a Jr. DH vetoed it and said one of him is enough... LOL!

K- Kale: I've tried kale and I have to admit I love it! With some sea salt, EVOO, and vinegar it's super yummy.

L- Lobster: I've never in my life ate lobster. I ordered one, one time at Red Lobster but couldn't eat it b/c I knew what it looked like alive in the tank.

M- Monster: We actually do call *B* this nickname. When he was a baby he had some chubby cheeks and we started calling him "Cheeky Monster," but now it's just Monster. Or Mohawk Boy right now... check out the last post with cute pics about that.

N- Nightowl: I love to stay up late. At night it's so peaceful, and it's when I get the most stuff done. I also get up early too, and one day I'm told it will catch up to me.

O- Orchids: Pink and white orchids are one of my favorite flowers.

P- Pink: Pink is my favorite color.

Q- Quilt: I have an infant quilt that was made for me when I was a baby, and I used it for *B* when he was a baby, and it's now stored in a hope chest.

R- Raspberry: I can't stand the scent of raspberries. I think it's a putrid smell. But I do like the taste of raspberries.

S- Steel Magnolias: This is my all time favorite movie!!

T- Tater: My nickname from my FIL before he passed away was "Tater."

U- Up: My son loves the movie Up, and I've probably seen it 500 times or more since the first time I seen it.

V- Volleyball: I played volleyball in high school.

W- Watermelon: My kitchen is done in a watermelon theme. Most do it in apples or mixed fruits, but mine is completely watermelons.

X- X-rays: I've had too many bone x-rays to count. I've had alot of broken bones, strained and/or sprained body parts.

Y- Yams: Candied yams are my favorite food (aside from the main dish) during the holidays.

Z- Zest: I can't use this type of soap, b/c it breaks me out.

So, there you have it the ABC's of me. Hope you enjoyed getting to know me, and I can't wait to get to know all of you. Happy ICLW!!

Mohawk Boy

I abosolutely love reading Mckmama's blog. *B* loves looking at the pics of her MSC, and sometimes he even wants me to read to him the blog entries which I love doing. Any way, after this weekend's Stream of Consciousness post that she showed beautiful pics of Nuggey with his mohawk and red tips... *B* wanted his done.

Before the mohawk

I didn't go all out and color his hair, but we did do this:

After: The Mohawk Boy

Side shot of the mohawk

I think he looks adorable!!! (But I'm biased as he's my child... LOL!) What do ya'll think???