Happy Halloween

Trick-or-Treat!!! *B* was a little devil as you can see. He was wide awake for the first hour of walking around with his cousins getting goodies, but then he wore out for the second hour as did Mama's arm who decided to carry him the whole way instead of pushing him in a stroller. He got lots of goodies which most he can't have, but I thought about letting him suck on a tootsie roll and lick a sucker, although I'm not sure if I should??? He looked so adorable in his little costume. It truely was an event to remember. I love my little devil!!!

One Year Ago Today

It was one year ago today that my world all changed. For the most part the walls were crashing down around me, with the secrets of my infidelity coming out. DH and I fought and we cried and fought some more and didn't talk to one another and cried and finally talked. We chose from that moment on to make one another a priority and not just an option. So, that evening late after many many hours of finding ourselves again we had make up sex. This is the night that one year ago *B* was conceived. I didn't know that this was happening at the time, but in most cases the timing couldn't of been any better. It was in my opinion God's way of letting me know that coming forward with this horrible news was the best thing I could of ever done. He showed us that things would be alright we just had to focus on each other again, and rekindle that love that we had misplaced so long ago b/c of the toll inferility had on our lives. I'm glad that things sort of had a way of working themselves out after the year that had happened before this event. I am still forever more thankful that our marriage lasted through those devastating blows. I do and I don't regret being unfaithful each for different reasons, but I have learned alot from it. I thrive from my mistakes and I must take the good with the bad. I'm more thankful for this day than I could of ever imagined b/c this is the day that all my dreams became realities.

I LOVE YOU BABY!!!

Late

I know that we aren't "officially" trying for #2 until the start of the new year, but when I looked at the calendar and realized I was a week late I couldn't help but to get all giddy feeling. Only doing the deed 3 times in the past 35days hardly constitutes as trying, but being as I was late, I figured I'd take a test any way. None to my surprise I found a BFN staring back at me, and that old familiar wave of heart-wrenching pain that I used to get before when dealing with infertility poured over me. I know TTC is not all grins and giggles, or easy by any means for that matter. It's just I would rather not have to deal with the infertility part of it all in the matters of #2. I'm not sure why I'm all down about the BFN either, b/c it's not like we were really trying per sae. It's just all the memories from all those years of trying flooded my emotions. I think that I'm alright with it for the most part and I keep telling myself that I'm not going to have to deal with infertility treatments again, but honestly I don't know that. I think I just try to make things a false reality for myself. You know the grass is greener on the other side sort of aspect. Nobody's future is a given, so why should I think mine is, ya know??? So, it's back to the drawing board and back to not trying but not preventing until Jan. I would like another surprise miracle without all that humping on demand BS, but I'll take what I get, and in the meantime I'll treasure and cherish every priceless moment I have with my present miracle right now.

OUCH!!!

Sometime during last night's theatrics with *B* I majorly hurt my back, neck, and right shoulder. My neck is stiff, and around my right shoulder blade is swollen horribly. This makes taking care of *B* very difficult. Everytime I try to pick him up, a horrible shooting pain goes from my neck around my shoulder blade and down to my finger tips. A couple of times my arm has even went numb and I feared I would drop him. I'm going to have to have to see the Dr. tomorrow about it and hopefully he'll give me somethign for the pain and figure out what the problem is and fix it.

It's horrible being like this b/c DH doesn't have any more time off that he can take this year, and I don't trust myself being with *B* like this. Maybe I can get a family member to help me out, but I'm not holding my breath on that one either. Goodness I just pray to feel better. Now I'm off to soak in a warm tub since *B* is in bed and then apply muscle rub and to bed with me. Pray that a nights rest helps would ya?? Thanks!!!

First Night in His Crib

It was last night, and it SUCKED!!!

We put him to bed at the normal 9pm and he was up every 2 hours on the hour from there on out. He cried until I picked him up then I rocked and shushed him back to sleep after offering him a bottle and changing his butt when needed, only to do it again in an hour and a half later. Finally at 5am enough was enough and Mama needed her sleep, so I put him back in our room in his bassinet and he slept from then until 10am. Then as you probably would of guessed he's slept the biggest part of today. Up only to eat a bottle, have his butt changed and get a bath at 7pm then back to sleep each time. I'm hoping he sleeps through the night and it doesn't throw off his sleeping habits, but I guess only going through the rest of the night will tell.

I'm not sure how to get him to sleep in his crib without waking so many times and getting so worked up about it, so any advice would be great???

I Wish...

that I could say that tonite was a better night than last night, and it was until oh about 9pm. I fed B*rennen his night-night cereal bottle, and he cuddle to my breast like he always does, he got sleepy and started acting his normal loopy self. At this point I decided to lay him in his bassinet. The VERY second that I put him in it he was wide awake and smiling up at me. I thought well if I leave him there he might just go to sleep. No such freaking luck. I no sooner got out of my room and flipped off the light and I heard him start to fuss. Then I proceeded into the computer room and he started to whail and gag. A few times I heard him settle and grunt, so I let him be. After this went on for about 20min, I decided it was time for Mama to rescue him from the depths of what he thinks is his horrible bed at the moment.

I realized that his grunting was him pooping or "trying" to poop. (One tiny rabbit sized turd was all he managed.) So, I figured I would give him a suppository b/c it's been almost 48hours since his last BM by this time, wait for it to come out, then change him and try again. He managed 10 or 12 more rabbit turds and then was happy. So, I set out to put him to bed again. I placed him in his bassinet without hearing a peep for 15min and then it started. He was screaming like someone was murdering him. I let this go on for only 5-10min when the neighbor called to ask if everything was alright b/c she could hear him. I said yes, just struggling with B and bedtime. I hung up with her and went to rescue him yet again. This time it took 45min of rocking for him to become drowsy. I then tried again, and only got to the bedroom door before he started. So, I thought well maybe there is something more wrong with him.

Diaper.....DRY.....Check. Maybe hungry......fixed a bottle......wanted nothing to do with it....ARGH. Stuck my finger in his mouth.......OMGoodness.....his tooth is about to pop through the gums. His gums on the bottom and top are rigidity and white and MAJORLY swollen. I found the problem. So, infant Tylenol to the rescue. One dose of that and 20min later B is sleeping and Mama's sanity returns. Thank God!!! So far he's been out without a peep for 25min. I can only now hope he sleeps through the night. Fingers crossed I'll let you know.

Patience....It's a Virtue

Not that I have any of that to spare anymore, but I desperately need more. I'm at my witts end tonite. I'm emotionally and physically drained. Brennen is developing his own personality and I'm sad to say it's one of those "I'm know I'm spoiled, so I'm the BOSS!!" ones. I'm trying desperately to teach him cause and effect, but at less than 4months old this is a chore. I know he's smarter than I think he is, though. Like if he's throwing a tantrum (which he does quite often) for no apparent reason, I'm like Brennen acting like that will get you no where, and he's starts to settle for like a VERY brief minute, but then goes right back to it again until he gets his way. Or he has this thing now where he throws himself back and flails his arms around and it's like he's trying to smack you in the face. When you say "No, no, Brennen that's not nice you hurt Mama or Dada." He thinks it's funny he'll look at you smile and do it again to see if he gets the same reaction. Now I wonder is 4months old to young to know what you're doing and is this just coincidence or does he know or is he learning right and wrong?

I'm slowly but surely losing my patience with this little one and his attitude, and I know I have to stay calm, b/c he can sense the difference in my moods, but I'm not sure how to break him of this, and I don't want to be one of those mothers being said "I told you so." to. I'm pretty sure he acts out this way, b/c instead of him molding to us, we're molding to him and his personality. It's hard though. I don't want to hear or see him cry, I want him happy ALWAYS, but then again I want him to know the difference between right and wrong so when he's old he doesn't act out any worse than he does now. Mr. 100% of my attention has to realize that there are things other than being in his eye contact during the day I need to get done without the fit he throws entailing that time. I guess I'm just going to have to get on my game plan and figure a way of breaking him form these bad habits before they get any worse.

Yucky Reflux

Well, I had to take the Cheeky Monster to the Dr. today. He'd been spitting up quite a bit the past couple of days. I told the Dr. that he's always spit up a little bit, but it's gradually getting worse. Her thoughts on the matter were that he's developed acid reflux. IMO, I don't really think that this is the case, but I'm going to go on her word at it and start adding a bit of cereal to each of his bottles throughout the day to see if that helps. I think that his spitting up has to do with his bowel issues. He has had horrible constipation problems since he was 15days old. I noticed that when he goes for more than a day without having a BM that he tends to spit up alot more. So, that is where I believe that he is getting the spit up from. Normally after he has a BM he's fine and no spit up for awhile afterwards. Who knows though I may be wrong, but we'll see. I'm supposed to call her on Monday morning with an update to how he's handling the cereal and if his constipation seems worse then as well.

There could also be another reason to this now that I come to think about it. A couple of days ago he was really fussy and I just chaulked it up to teething, b/c he had his hands in his mouth constantly. Any way, he had diarrhea I think it was Monday with EVERY feeding. That is also the day that his spitting up seemed to get worse. I'm now wondering if maybe he has a touch of the stomach flu or what the problem is. Today he's been alot happier than the previous days, so I maybe right. Guess we'll just see who in the end is right me or the Dr.....and IMO I know my child better than a Dr. so more than likely it'll be me, but we'll see.

Watching You Sleep

One of my favorite moments throughout any day is watching you sleep. You look so peaceful and content and I love you more than words can express. Tonight as I held you in my arms and fed you your bottle, then I burped you and nestled you back against my chest to watch your little body relax and fall asleep I fell in love with you all over again. I love doing this every night. I also love it when I'm feeding you and you rub my arm with your tiny little hand as if you're thanking me for a job well done. Each breath you take and each move you make astonishes me, and makes my heart beat a little faster. I never realized how in love I could be with you and I was like that before I ever even met you, as you are the very reason for my being and the smile brought to my face daily. You are definitely my gift from God that I awaited for so long, and you are the best gift He could of ever entrusted me with. I'm glad that you picked me to be your Mama. I know now that life is truely not measured by the breathes we take, but by every moment that takes our breath away, and that is what being your mother has done to me. I Love You, Baby!!

Something New (About Me and My Family)

I've been journaling for so long (be it at home on paper or TLOL), it's almost hard to start something new. Any way, my name is Catrisha, and most of you know me as CatrishaT from other sites. I'm 24yo, and married to my amazing DH, Cody, who is also 24yo. We've been married since May 2002. In the years we've been together we've endured many obstacles that have made us stronger as individuals, a couple, and a family. The first thing that was a major pothole in our relationship was both my DH's parents passed away from cancer early in our relationship. After this happened we obtained custody of his little sister, who isn't really little any more. She's was 14 at the time, and now she's 19 and Miss Independent. Throughout those years of raising her we tried and tried for own, only to discover that there were infertility issues at hand. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism which both worked against us in our quest for a family of our own. We went through many fertility tests, procedures, treatments, moments of hope, tears, and a m/c. Then finally this time last year was the first day to a new beginning although we wouldn't know it for another month. I was pregnant yet again.

My pregnancy was filled with many emotions, complications, loss, and turmoil to say the least. Finally on June 28, 2007 I was admitted into the hospital to make my hopes and dreams through the years a reality. After testing the first day for toxemia, followed by three days of induction my son, B*rennen M*addox, finally made his presence into the world on July 1, 2007. He was perfect weighing in at 6lbs 9oz with a height of 20in and Apgar's of 8 and 9 respectively. He was all mine and the wave of emotions passed through me, and at the same time the weight of years of infertility and struggles were lifted from my chest.

His first few days at home were a struggle as he had jaundice very badly and we had to keep going back to the hospital for daily bloodwork. As time passed though he got over it, Mommy moved into depression and developed PPD. Three months and a few odd days have passed since his birth though, and I'm on a rollercoaster ride now that has more hills than I was ever on while dealing with infertility. I'm a first time Mommy to an infant that is all my own, and I find things to be trial and error at times, but I'm adapting and we're learning as we go.