Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Raw Emotions

It amazes me how in one moment you can be told you're pregnant and the very next you're not and it's being ripped from your grasps as if you never were in the first place. It kind of makes me feel as if it were a puppet dangling from strings right in front of me just out of my reach.....of course a very cruel and sick joke.

So, I'm sure you're wondering were all this is coming from, right???

Well, for the past two months my periods have been way wacky. I was on it for 16days in February, off for 9 days and started again on March 5th. Well, up until this morning I was still on it. Nothing heavy and mostly the old blood discharge throughout the 20days of AF. So, I went into the Dr. to of course get myself checked out and to my surprise I'm told I'm pregnant. Only then the panic this point I was bleeding and it was red. So, bloodwork was done and comes back that I am, but with the blood the Dr. as well as myself were worried and the Dr. does an u/s. The lining of my uterus is thick like it's supposed to be when you're pregnant, but no baby anywhere. Not even an empty egg sack. So, I got another blood draw done and my levels only went up a couple digits like before with the chemical pregnancy. The Dr. gave me a methotrexate shot and put me on prometrium to see if my body will pass the tissue naturally without a D&C. I'm currently taking the prometrium and watching every little difference or change in my body and waiting for the massive bleeding to begin.

I feel so emotionally raw and robbed from the joys of pregnancy yet again. I've been crying alot, and thinking, and crying some more. I don't understand why this is happening yet again. Better yet I find myself mad at God and questioning His motives. I've just been through so much fertility wise in the past 7yrs that I can't take any more. It's becoming demeaning to me as a woman. For once I just want the Man Upstairs to get the story of my life right, the way that I would like for it to be.

Any prayers you can say for me are much appreciated, I just often wonder if they're are truely heard and answered.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Pregnancy Loss and Other Baby Ramblings

One of my friends that I spoke about in the last entry miscarried over the weekend. She had a D&C done today. I feel bad for her, and I feel guilty myself b/c I was jealous of her and her pregnancy, plus I wasn't all that nice to her about the situation. She's really needed a friend through all this, and obviously I must of been doing something right, b/c her DH told me tonite that she's wanted to call me all day since she got home, but everytime she picked up the phone she burst into to tears. So, when I went to her house to check up on her, I could tell she had been crying her face lit up and she smiled. I gave her a hug and she let out a huge sigh. I think that my being there for her was exactly what she needed. Please keep her and her family in your prayers if you pray b/c she definitely needs them.

On a more positive note, my step-brother's g/f found out she's having a girl as well. So, I'm expecting 2 nieces thus far in the middle of summer.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Infertility=Being Knowlegible About Pregnancy???

I'd like to know when this became true for me or anyone else that has dealt with IF for that matter. It bothers me how every pregnant person I know comes to me for answers. I mean don't they have Dr.'s for that for goodness sakes??? I didn't have anywhere near a textbook conception or TTC period for that matter. I definitely didn't have a textbook pregnancy or delivery. And, I know I'm not a textbook parent. So, why do they ask me?? Maybe I offer good advice, who knows. It does bother me though.

My one friend called me tonite to ask me about government benefits once you become pregnant. While I can't knock getting help from the gov't b/c I did while I was pregnant and my DH was laid-off from work, she wasn't asking about during pregnancy benefits, but long-term benefits. That irks me. I understand those out there who get help b/c of unfortunate events in their lives, and those that get help b/c of a disability or whatever else. What I don't get is that there is nothing wrong with her and she works as little as she can get by with, and her DH stays at home with their child already and doesn't work. Then she proceeds to tell me she's pregnant, which I gathered from our Q&A session. So, this is what bothers me they can barely afford the child and their lifestyle now, and they have a new baby on the way. Alright so maybe this is that infertile rage in me coming out, but I just don't get it. However I gritted my teeth while we spoke and then congradulated her at the end of our conversation.

Any way, back to the title. After all the gov't questions she went on to ask me about pregnancy and bleeding/spotting (which apparently she's having). Then she wanted to know what she should do, b/c she's all excited and doesn't want this not to be true. The only advice I could give her is the advice I would use myself and did when I was spotting early in my pregnancy with *B*: if it's brown it's old blood, anything lasting longer than 5days see a Dr., pink may be from irritation but if you have had no such irritation see a Dr., and red to the ER or Dr. immediately. I tried to calm her fears I guess, and I know and remember all to fondly how she probably feels, but I'm not sure if I helped and honestly helping her bothered me.

Let me elaborate on why before anyone jumps to conclusions....I'm feeling that pain of infertility again. That gut wrenching horrible feeling. The yearning and the wanting, all the emotions. I love my baby, and I would love to have another, b/c #2 will hopefully fill that void and completely our family, but there is always that doubt of what if it doesn't. I often wonder if I will always feel this way. I mean I have one child who amazes me everyday whom I love and adore and still I want more. I just don't get it, am I wired or programmed work??? We're not trying at the moment and that is what I want, but still after finding out yet another person in my life is pregnant that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I don't know if I'm still infertile, but I can only assume that I am. I just don't want the heartache anymore, and I definitely would love to not have to "try" for #2. I would love for it to just happen like it did for all those who told me about their BFPs. They didn't think about it, and surely it didn't consume every moment of their lives before then. So, why does it me???

Infertility and dealing with it has been a curse and a blessing. I mean in aspects of conceiving I think I know all there is to know about every way possible b/c of researching it endlessly before *B*. Pregnancy maybe just the same, I researched endlessly the normal pregnancy, and then when my complications arose I researched them to their depths as well. (I didn't research every complication or pregnancy type out there just specifically topics related to mine.) Parenting read alot of the books, but nothing is textbook with parenting every child is unique and while somethings I've learned are helpful I know there is lots more to learn. So, I'm blessed to be knowlegible about the things I do know, but the curse is b/c I know those things EVERYONE I know that is pregnant comes to me for answers. And, simply talking about pregnancy and conceiving tears at my already previously shredded heart, b/c of my past ordeals.

*Sigh.* I just want to know when my feeling like this will end??? And, more so when will people realize that it bothers me when they share their good news now even though I have *B*?Better yet when will people actually learn about infertility, and understand it, and then grasp the fact that even though those of us that have battled inferility and won are still scarred with that mark of the capital "I"???

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Three "S-es" Invade My Life





Since Tuesday my baby has been one sick little boy. Of course I figured this would happen, since this past weekend we had highs in the 60's, and then Tuesday back came the nasty wintery snowy-rain mix and 30's. So, now he's sick. Poor little guy. He has a pedi. appt. tomorrow as his cold seems to be getting worse instead of better. I just hope that he quickly gets over this cold that he has. I also pray it's not RSV or a form of it. I'll be so happy for spring to get here and STAY here. I miss the warmer weather and even though the chirping of birds in the morning waking me up drives me batty...I miss that too. So, any way that is why I failed the blog challenge from COF. Hopefully I'll be able to jump back on the wagon next week, but until then I'm back to wiping or sucking out a snotty nose, changing sh*tty diapers, and getting ABSOLUTELY NO sleep. I'm not sure which I should feel more sorry baby or myself??? Definitely him, although I think I'm catching what he's got, b/c I woke up congested. Who knows, just pray that we get rid of these sickies and FAST. Hugs to all.