Telling My DH & First OB Appt.

First and foremost I would like to thank each of you for the Congrats, well wishes, thoughts, and prayers on my announcement in the last post. Ya'll truly know how to make an already emotional girl happy and sappy all at the same time. :) You, my Dreamers, are why I continue to write.

So, as promised I'm going to tell ya'll how I told my DH about our AMAZING news. On the night of Thursday, December 9th while my DH was at work I decided to take a test. AF was well overdue, but I had tested twice before in the the last week to week and a half and gotten BFNs so I figured this test would be another one of the same. Much to my surprise a very faint BFP showed up. I was home alone with just me and the Monster. I wanted to call or text DH to tell him the exciting news, but I only had that one test and it didn't give me much certainty. So, the next morning my first order of business after our normal routine was to head out to buy me some more pregnancy tests. I bought another box of FRER and a box of EPT Digital read out. I came home and when I had to be took one of the EPTs. Waiting for that little hour glass to turn into a read-out of "Pregnant" seemed like an eternity. Finally the 3 minute wait time was up, and there on the test stick appeared that glorious word I was waiting to see.Since I knew the night before I had asked DH if I had a time sensitive gift for him to open for Christmas if he would open it early. He told me he would, so I took the test and wrapped it in Christmas wrapping paper. I got out a small clothing gift box and tissue paper. I had gotten him a Christmas card when I bought the tests, and I wrote on the inside of it:

"I couldn't think of a better time sensitive present to give you as an early
Christmas present than this one. Looks like we did do it right again. Merry
Christmas. I love you!!"

I placed the card in the gift box in the tissue paper with the wrapped test on top of it, and put it under the tree. I waited until he got up that afternoon (he works midnights) and told him his time sensitive gift was under the tree and he needed to open it. He sat down on the chair and had *B* help him open the box. He pulled out the card and read it, then looked at me strange. Then he unwrapped the test at the end where the cap was, and I saw his eyes light up. He asked me if this was for real. I told him to keep unwrapping. He unwrapped the entire test then looked at me, and asked, "Seriously?" I told him yes seriously. He looked at *B* and said, "Guess what?!?! Mommy's got a little baby in her belly." Then he showed him the test.He had the biggest smile on his face. He got up and gave me a huge hug and kiss, and told me I was right about this gift.... plus it's the best gift he could ever ask for. Since then I took a test everyday until I ran out, including another digital test on the 13th.

* * * * * * * * * *

As most of you commented in my last post about how my dates may not match up due to when I took the test and the lightness of them, you were right. I had stated my EDD based on my LMP, but I'm a 35-45 day cycler. I had thought that I had ovulated around Thanksgiving, but I wasn't very for sure b/c I wasn't charting or monitoring. Any way, after my OB appt yesterday it was confirmed that I'm between 5-6wks (probably closer to 5wks). No baby was seen in my u/s, just the gestational sac and a little blip in the sac that the Dr called the yolk. Which I'm assuming is the baby? I've never had an u/s this early so I don't really know. My BP was 138/82, so I have to go back on BP meds since I had pre-e that developed into toxemia while I was pregnant with *B*.

I went over all my patient history (I'm seeing a new Dr. than I did before). He did the dreaded pap, and then the u/s. After the u/s when he realized I wasn't as far as what was thought, he told me he wished he had done the u/s first b/c then he wouldn't of done the pap. He was quite concerned about my recurring m/c's that I have that are early in gestation (3.5-6wks). So, he had the three of us go into his office after I cleaned myself up and got dressed and discussed this with us. He put me on PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that I have to go to his office to get once a week. I also have to do progesterone suppositories nightly, which I'm already hating b/c they are messy and gross. And, I'm on bedrest again with this pregnancy already. There was nothing wrong that he saw in the u/s, but he's just having me do all this as a precaution. He wants me to stay pregnant... good thing him and I want the same thing, which is a far cry from how my last Dr. acted like he wanted.

I've been having some brown discharge since my appt. that has actually let up now. And, my hip is extremely sore and bruised from my first shot. And, I'm sick of bedrest and I'm only 24hrs into it. But, it's all worth it. Next appt. is Christmas Eve for another shot. Not sure when my next u/s is, but I assume in 2-4wks. I'm glad I found this Dr. b/c he really cares about my health instead of money and what my insurance will pay and what I'm paying and when, which thrills me.

But, that being said I'll keep ya'll updated... and I promise not to stay away so long. I really missed writing these past few months while I was trying to manage everything. Thanks for still being here when I came back to it. :)

Privacy

Today has been one of the most emotional days I've had in awhile and it's only 4pm. But, I thought I would let ya'll know that I took down the blog's fan page on FB, and I'm going to be going private as well within a few days. At this point I'm not sure if I'll be adding readers to the line up, but I'll let you know before I go private on my plans. Thanks for always being there for me and being so great.

Can You See What I See?!?!

Originally this was going to be a Wordless Wednesday post, but I can't just leave you with pics and not say anything... LOL! I have 2 pics worth a million words, maybe even a million and one words.... but I'm reserved and guarded in posting them, b/c I'm scared it will make them less true. Any how... I'm on CD24 and either 11 or 12DPO....

These are quite faded from when I first took them.

I had a cheap dollar store test as well as 3 Equate brand tests in my arsonal that I was dying to take to see what the results were. I kept telling myself that I was not going to take an HPT until this Friday at the very earliest as I didn't want to get my hopes up, and then get let down already. But then DH came in from work this morning and I had to get up to pee, and he asked me if I had taken a test yet. I told him "No," of course since I hadn't. He told me to take one if I could b/c he wanted to know I've all his sperm-babies were doing something. So, I told him I had a cheapy test that I could use, but I was saving the good ones for until Friday. I went in, I peed, and low and behold this is what I saw:

Faint on a cheap test that doesn't detect early, but definitely there!

I plan on calling an OB/GYN on Friday after I take another "better" test. Looks like I won't be needing that RE appt now after all (least I hope not). The only things different I did this month was drink Fertil-Tea and take Fertil-Aid starting 2wks before AF ever showed up... as well as once she arrived I ate something once a day with some sort of yam in it, b/c I heard on that crazy show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant..." that its a natural fertility booster and can possibly help with the number of follicles (re: possibility of multiples... although I don't know how true this is even with research). As far as symptoms go, I'm crampy.... which scares the hell out of me. I've had heartburn a couple of times this week. I have sore nips, but not all over sore breasts. I'm peeing alot, but actually I just think it's alot b/c I'm noticing it... LOL! And, I'm tired... but I'm always tired, I have a hyper-active toddler. Otherwise nothing else going on. I'm excited yet scared, I want to tell everyone yet I'm guarded, and most of all I just really want this miracle already and I just found out. Please, please if you can spare a prayer I would appreciate it... I'll keep you posted.

PS: If you know how to get ahold of me on other messaging sites that aren't private (FB, Myspace, MSN, etc.) PLEASE DO NOT SAY ANYTHING THERE as I haven't told my family yet, and I have an infertile aunt that I'm really close to that has never had children that I would like to hear from me and not the world wide web, as well as the rest of my family of course. Thanks!

And The Winner Is...

First let me say thanks to all those that entered. I had so much fun doing this giveaway and it surely will not be my last. So here is the randomly drawn winner from random.org:

This is the post from the 12th commenter on my giveaway:

Brit:) said...
Hm.well i could not live without my wonderful husband and my son.My husband for taking care of my while i am so very big and prego.lol.And my lovely son for putting a smile on my face every time i am having an emotional pregnant breakdown!But i shuld deff. win bcus i could sip on hot chocolate while i got the pink slippers on and be cozy on days i can't get outta bed!hehe!thanks for being there threw my pregnancy and bfor!Hope things look up for you at the first of the year!

December 8, 2009 9:23 PM



Brit has been a very good friend of mine for quite a few years despite our ups and downs, and I'm very happy she won. Any way, this is Brit and her happy little family that they are about to add 2 more (boy/girl twins) too in early January. Aren't they cute?:



CONGRATS Brit, I'll be getting ahold of you to claim your prize, and rub that baby belly for me.

Just An Unbearable Day

Today started out crappy just all around. I started out thinking that just 3yrs ago today I saw those 2 beautiful lines on a pregnancy test blessing me with my adorable little man. It depresses me b/c it has been that long and I feel like I have a hole in my heart wanting the baby #2. I know I should be content with the miracle of having just one b/c there are many out there still trying for #1, but my family just doesn't feel complete yet so I long for that next child. (This feeling was before I went to bed, and I had me a good cry.) Then I wake up to drum roll please..... AF make her grand appearance. Now I know why I've been this emotional wreck for a week. Thank you pre-PMS. Well, the day went on and I was feeling better some what. I've done some cleaning, baked some cookies, put a rack of ribs in the crock pot. Then I get a phone call from my sister who's been lacking in having time for me lately with having a house-full of company and have been having health problems of her own. She drops a bomb on me. She's pregnant for #3. I had had a dream about her and my cousin that I'm close to last week. That they would both be pregnant by Christmas. One down one to go. I'm happy for her, scared very b/c she's been having problems with her liver, but it doesn't keep my heart from hurting no less. Here we are struggling to see those two lines for #2 and she's only been off her bcps a month and a half and see the BFP. I'm trying to be strong and supportive for her..... but at the same time it's soooooo hard. I just wish I could be pregnant again already. Is that to freakin' much to ask???

Double Blogging

I committed myself to getting fit this morning. I've been contemplating doing something about my obesity for awhile. I do eat right, I just need to be eating better than right and doing more. So, this morning I started researching different weight-loss blogs and websites as well as diet and exercise blogs and sites and healthy recipe sites. I've complied a list in my bookmarks of different motivational places and printed off a couple dozen recipes. Plus, as I mentioned in my last post about thinking about starting a new blog for this journey..... I have!! The link is below so please check it out if you have time as I'll be blogging there everyday until the progress gets better and noticeable. Don't be alarmed though I'll still be here to ramble on about everyday things, I just didn't want this blog to go from mothering, to infertility, to dieting, and nothing else as I've noticed I've been inching towards that is why I started the new blog.

Baby Steps To Weight Loss

Completely Moved and The Lowdown Otherwise

I swear I think we moved in record timing. We found out about the new place, signed the papers, and in a week we were packed and moved out of the old place. Our ex-landlady is smoking hot mad too, but whatever. Her daughter (who was my friend) is also now a bad-mouther of sorts. They've just been running DH and I into the ground about moving and giving "said landlady" only a week and a half notice. Guess it doesn't matter any way.... I found out today she's got the old place rented already, so I'm not exactly sure what her problem is except the fact that she's an "itch" with a capital "B". Enough with the crap though.

So, we're moved. I LOVE THE NEW PLACE!!! I can not say that enough. We doubled our sq. footage, and we're buying it on land contract right now. Well, here's the deal actually.... DH and I have a couple discrepancies on our credit report that we're currently paying on. We told the current owner of this, and he agreed to make a contract that we would pay him a set monthly amount for one year, then he would take half the amount that we paid for the year and use that as a down payment for us. At the end of the year we can try to see if we can get a loan (fingers crossed we're able to), if not he'll continue to take the amount agreed upon monthly until we have paid him in full the amount he is asking for the house, garage, and property. So, either way at the end of so many years we'll be home owners whether it be through him or a bank/finance company.

In the midst of all the moving AF never arrived. I'm totally aggravated by this, and my Dr. is stumped as to why after directly coming off bcps I didn't start. I'm assuming the stress factor had alot to do with it, but whatever. Any way, I start taking pro*metrium tomorrow night for the issue. Also, *drum roll please* my protocol was changed on treatments. Not entirely, but I bypassed a step I wasn't looking forward too repeating, and I'm getting right down to business. I'm doing Clo*mid (as I mentioned) but now combined with Men*opur. As of right now my directions are to take the oral meds CD3-7, then on CD8, CD10, and CD12 (if need be) inject myself with 150iu of the injectible. I've done this before. Right before *B*, and resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I must say I'm scared, petrified actually; but there is a large part of me that is super excited and I have so much faith in this and I have a calmness.... almost like a knowing that this is the right cycle and the right time. It's strange. It took alot of persuading on my part to get my Dr. to get down to business, but I put it on the line for him that I would just seek out a Dr. that would and he would lose me as a patient and my money....and BOOM! he was writing out the scripts.

In other news..... my fun loving sister makes her way home in exactly one month. I'm looking forward to it. I miss her desperately, and I'm glad she'll be here for *B*'s 2nd birthday. Also, just for mentioning purposes my brother's fiancee is pregnant again for their third and her youngest isn't even one yet. I hate how they can just have kids without jobs and a means to an end, and here DH and I sit struggling and craving something that comes easily to them. Also, I found out today via another internet site that landlady's daughter who took Clo*mid only 2 cycles got a BFP today. She never had ovulation problems just longer than normal cycles, but begged her Dr. to put her on it, and he did. I guess it makes me a low person for praying it wouldn't happen to her before it happened to me, but it has so now I guess I have to be happy for her? Or maybe not. I'm so offended by everything that's happened that I don't know whether to be her friend or her enemy. I guess what I've always heard is true..."Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." I just don't really have a happy feeling for either of these people's pregnancies, and it pains me to admit but I think the bitterness of infertility is coming back to me with a vengeance.

'Tis the Season for Premature Babies

Well, at least in my family it must be. I am an aunt yet again this month. My step-sister who wasn't originally due until 1/23/09 had her little girl. She's 5wks early, so tiny, but adorable. My step-sis had something called cholestasis (sp?) that deals with your gallbladder. It's causing the gallbladder to release toxins into her blood stream that her liver can no longer filter out and it was causing the baby to be under-developed and not move like she was supposed to. Her Drs. told her that if she stayed pregnant one week longer it was likely that the baby and/or herself may die. Mother and baby are both doing fine. The baby has had a couple of breathing spells where she forgets to breath since she was born, but nothing that has warranted NICU time or any hospital time for that matter. So she was started on an induction method the night of 12/18/08. Please help me welcome to the world my adorable niece

B*rayLynne N*evaeh

December 19, 2008 @ 12:52pm

5lbs 2oz......18in.

I wasn't able to see her for the first time until Christmas day as I was busy, busy, busy (aren't we all at this time of year though?), and I couldn't get over just how tiny she is. Here is a picture of her fitting into a little babydoll carrying thing that one of my other nieces received for Christmas.

Here is my step-sis and little B*rayLynne.

My jealous heathen, but he's so full of love to give to any baby. He's giving her kisses on her head here.

Here is B*rayLynne and her Daddy.

Foster to Adopt

At the end of 2005 beginning of 2006 we took the classes, completed the homestudy, did the physicals, basically jumped threw rings of fire. We got our certificates, and I wanted to try just one more time for one of my own with fertility treatments. So, I had an exploratory laparoscopy done with another HSG, and was referred off to the RE. We did one more treatment...an injectible cycle and ended up with a chemical pregnancy. We waited for the my levels to fall back to normal, and then I naturally get the brightest boldest BFP ever with my pregnany for *B*. Since then we haven't thought about fostering or adopting, and our credentials expired at the beginning of this year, until this week.

I received a call from a children services case worker that my godson had been abandoned this passed Friday. My best friend (and his mom) S*andra passed away two years ago this Christmas coming. He went to live with his father who walked out on him when he was 6 months old in children's hospital, and wasn't there for him until this happened. Not to long after that he was imprisoned for a drug charge, and won't get out until the middle of '09. He left my godson with his live-in girlfriend at the time to care for him. Well, this past Friday when a nurse went to her residence to get my godson ready for school and on the bus (he has disabilities for those that don't know b/c he was a micro-preemie born at 23w5d gestation) she was gone and he was laying in his bed with a note stating..."He's become to much of a burden for me and I can no longer care for him, please find him a good home other than here. He has plenty of family members that will step-up and friends of the family that will as well, please contact them." She took her son with her, hasn't been back to her residence since. My godson has had 24hr a day nursing care in this residence with a posted law officer since. However he has to be placed by Friday.

So, my best-friend's sister contacted to me to give me the heads up and said she was trying to get him, but have given the case worker my name as well. Then I get another call the next day (Sat.) from said friend telling me that their backgrounds didn't check out b/c of her one son and daughter being on probation for fighting in school. I get a call from the case worker Mon. morning and she asks me if there was ever any written documentation of said god-parentship. I told her at one point S*andra had had paper work made up, but after her passing it mysteriously vanished from her safe. So, the case worker asked us about our previous foster to adopt paperwork and why we never went through with having a child placed in our home, and why we let our license expire......and my answer as plain and simple as I could be "B/c we had a child that's why." I feel like a quitter on this, and now I'm afraid that this one answer is going to be used against me in my godson's placing. I know I"m being modest b/c I know in our state that you have to be licensed in order to foster a child that is in state care like he is. We're doing everything possible, but I know my hands are tied and I feel like a failure. I'm actually losing sleep over this, b/c I know S*andra is rolling in her grave with what is going on.

I would love for us to have him, but at the same time in a little more than 24 hours from now I know he'll be placed and we haven't heard anything back yet. I can only hope and pray it will be with us, but if not my next pray is that it is with good people that are caring and will provide for him and nuture him in the way he hasn't been cared for or nutured since S*andra's passing. Please girls keep your fingers crossed for me and this situation b/c I'm on edge about it and very stressed with the waiting and not knowing.

Coming Home!!!

They both get to come home if things keep progressing for them both, on Monday. H*attie FINALLY got to hold H*unter today too. J*ordan said she sobbed. Melt my heart. I missed it. I've been up there everyday, except today b/c I'm soooo wore out, and wouldn't you know she finally felt up to holding him today and I missed it. Oh well, it was her moment any way. I'm so proud of her, that my heart feels like it might explode with joy. I can only pass on what I know and bestill in her all the motherly values that I have, and hope and pray that she will be an excellent mother. I'm excited that they will both get to come home together though. WOW!!! God does hear and answer prays. Thanks those that have said some. Now I'll leave you with a pic they sent me today. I love it eyes wide open......I just want to smoosh and goosh and kiss all over him.

I'm An Aunt!!! (Again)

H*attie had her baby last night. Little H*unter L*ee made his appearance into the world at 8:41pm. He came out screaming but with poor color and lung sounds. We were all able to hold him breifly for pictures then they took him to the NICU in the hospital. They put him on a breathing mask then switched him to a nasal cannula, but today he's holding his own and not needing oxygen at all. That little one is a fighter and a definite trooper. Poor H*attie though is not doing so good, and needs prayers. Her uterus was still boggy and not contracting back down at all last night or still today, and she's had to have three blood transfusions and clotting platelets, and be put back on the pitocin drip in her IV. Her Dr. has been talking possible need of a hysterectomy if she's still having problems 24hrs post-partum. She's so tore up over all of this and it's been a long hard road for her thus far. I just pray that things don't have to be to extreme for her.

Good News, Bad News, & Heart Wrenching Emotions

I haven't really had the time to write about this with summer coming to an end and DH taking on home improvement projects and me supervising him so know they get completed in a timely fashion. I'm an aunt yet again. My step-brother's fiancee had her little girl at the end of July. She was a BIG girl, too...9lbs 8oz. Introducing Madison Riley:

The second bit of good news is that my step-sister is having a girl. She's due in mid-January 2009. So, she'll have a boy and now a girl too. CONGRATS to both of them.
Thirdly, comes good news with bad news. Our dear sweetie Hattie found out she is having a BOY!!! Yes, one BOY!!! Good news. The bad news....the baby that was behind in size and didn't have a very strong heartbeat from the beginning and the one that they found a hole in it's heart died in-utero at 13wks gestation. So, no more twins for her, but now she is looking at other risks like infection and what not b/c the baby that no longer has a heartbeat can't be removed while she's still carrying the other one, and of course with it being that far along in developement can't dissolve either. She is a little beyond the half way mark, and the Dr's want her to make it until at least 24wks, which is viability for any baby. After that if complications arise they will take the healthy one and then remove the other as well. Anything beyond 24wks is just icing on the cake. She is on modified bedrest, as her cervix is showing change already, and she was in the hospital after fighting out that the one baby had passed for close monitering. So, if you can spare some prayers she really needs them as does her little boy that is still growing and thriving inside her. Her heart is in knots as would any mother's at this point with worry and grief. However on the bright side, I'm VERY excited for her and this new life. Now, I just pray that God holds hope in heat for a miracle for the two of them. So, I say CONGRATS, GOOD LUCK, and many prayers for her too.

BTW~ Hattie and my step-sister's (step-sis being farther along) EDD's are only 10 days apart, and look at the difference in size. The pic of Hattie was this past Thurs, and the pic of step-sis was the Sat. before that.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

I can't believe that I'm a quater of a century old today. I guess 25 isn't all that big of a deal, but to me now that I'm a mother I feel old. Any way, nothing interesting planned except having dinner with my step-sister (she's cooking), my nephew, my son, and DH. DH took me to dinner this past weekend for my birthday to celebrate. All in all I hope that today turns out to be the first day of the beginning of a new year filled with many exciting new things. I can't wait to see what is in store.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! YIPPPP-PEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Tying Up Loose Ends (Updates on Things)

Alright so I've wrote about a few things in previous entries that I really should bring you all up to speed on. First of all though.....I want to say there is two other entries before this one with pics of the little monster so check those out.

So here is the hype on what has been going on here. I've passed one kidney stone finally, and it hurt like hell. I still have 2 more to pass, but they are starting to break apart and shrink in size....YAYYY!!! On TTC#2 aspects, we've decided to wait until my annual exam next month before we jump into that train wreck again. I'm not looking forward to it, but if we want another I know it has to be done. Currently I'm on a weight-loss venture. I'm toying around at 220lbs right now give or take, which is a huge improvement from the 242lbs that I was back in March. So, some improvement, but I know I need more in order to get a BFP and sustain a successful pregnancy. So, we'll see what next month brings weight-wise and TTC-wise.

DH was just on vacation this past week, and I loved every minute of him being home. He spent so much time with *B* and they bonded alot. So, much so that when DH went back to work tonite *B* bawled at the door for a good 10min until I picked him up then another 30min or so in my arms. Breaks my heart, but I'm glad he's a Daddy's boy too. DH is doing good, working alot which is good for catching up and clearing up our debt. Bad for him b/c it's so hot and he works in a factory and is exhausted by the time he gets home. Otherwise he's good too.

I think I made mention of Hattie being pregnant again. A couple months back she was pregnant and made it to about 20wks and had a little boy prematurely. He didn't make it of course, b/c it was way to early. She had him b/c she acquired an infection that sent her into pre-term labor. Any way, she just found about a couple weeks ago that she's pregnant again, and for twins. However she needs prayers. Two sacks were found, but only one heart beat. She's had some spotting but nothing serious. She's on bedrest, but scared to death of losing another baby. She goes back to the Dr. this Thurs. for more bloodwork and another u/s to see what is to become of Baby#2. I feel really bad for her b/c she is already beside herself with grief over all of this and losing Hunter as well. So, if you have a moment send up a prayer for her, we would appreciate it.

Let's see at the beginning of June we took a four day weekend trip to KY to see my sister, pick up our pup, and attend my sister's baby shower.

Cousin C*ourtney and *B*:

DH posing infront of a chopper on base in KY:

Any way, I'm an aunt again now. She had little B*rylei A*nn on June 27th. She weighed in at 6lbs12oz and 20 1/2in long. She's so tiny, but definitely a cutie and a keeper.

All of my sister's kids (step and full):

I'm still waiting on my step-brother's fiancee to have their little girl. She's due in 20 days. Plus, I found out that my step-sister that is only 6months younger than me is expecting now too. She's due on Jan.22, 2009. I'm excited for her as well.

I think that is about it on the home front. Things are going really well here. I don't have much time for updating as I'm constantly running after and playing with *B*. Plus, we've just been enjoying fun times in the sun outside here at the house or at the pool. Hopefully, now that I'm caught up on things I'll stay that way. Hope that all of you are enjoying Summer'08 as well!!!

Pregnancy Loss and Other Baby Ramblings

One of my friends that I spoke about in the last entry miscarried over the weekend. She had a D&C done today. I feel bad for her, and I feel guilty myself b/c I was jealous of her and her pregnancy, plus I wasn't all that nice to her about the situation. She's really needed a friend through all this, and obviously I must of been doing something right, b/c her DH told me tonite that she's wanted to call me all day since she got home, but everytime she picked up the phone she burst into to tears. So, when I went to her house to check up on her, I could tell she had been crying her face lit up and she smiled. I gave her a hug and she let out a huge sigh. I think that my being there for her was exactly what she needed. Please keep her and her family in your prayers if you pray b/c she definitely needs them.

On a more positive note, my step-brother's g/f found out she's having a girl as well. So, I'm expecting 2 nieces thus far in the middle of summer.

I'm Going To Be An Aunt To.....

another niece. My sister found out on Valentine's Day, but I haven't really gotten to write about it until now. This is going to be her second and final baby as her DH is getting out of the army in '09. He already has 2 other children from his ex-wife, so this will be his fourth and her second. Se wanted a boy, but is happy non-the-less and I'm happy for her. My brother's girlfriend finds out what they are having on March 10th and my step-sister I'm not sure what is up with her and her pregnancy as I haven't heard much about it and I think she's keeping it all hush-hush. So, this is exciting news, my little sister is evening out the playing field of cousins by adding the only girls to the mix. That makes 3 boys counting *B* and soon to be 2 girls with this new addtion on the way. I'm curious to see what the other two are having.

They're EVERYWHERE!!!

Just today I found out that two of my friends are pregnant. So, that makes a total of five people in my life that are expecting. I'm handling the news well, where in recent days I would be eating myself into oblivion from my depression, with a box of tissues by my side, between my sobs. Instead I held my baby close, and cuddled him while he fought night-night time. I know that my chance for #2 will come soon enough, and we are trying but not like we did while TTC#1, which became more of a chore than the art of making love. So, any way, once again while I am envious of them I continue to smile and grit my teeth, and bask in the presence of the child I currently would move heaven and earth for.

It MUST Be in the Water....

NO I'm NOT Pregnant!!! Although I wish. I bet that is what you were thinking with that title, weren't you??? The fact of the matter is the majority of my siblings are expecting. I just found out last night, and already I feel that "I WANT A BABY MORE THAN ANYTHING.....RIGHT NOW!!!" syndrome sneaking up on me. I have 2 step-sisters, a step-brother, and a sister that I'm very close with. Of those four, three are expecting. I have many choice words I could say about each particular situation, but instead, I say "Congrats," grit my teeth, and bare the fact that I will be an aunt to three more addtions to our family all within the month of July 2008. I'm irritated by this, b/c I know how my mother and step-father work, and that puts *B* on the back burner big time!!! One of these births will be a first for the baby of the group, so she'll recieve alot of attention, one is my sister who is due directly on *B*'s first birthday, and the other well his child is already the favored one, b/c he's the only boy and it was his first child, now with my luck he'll have the next girl and he lives close therefore more attention.

Of course I probably sound like an attention seeking hog, but damnit my baby deserves to have attention too, and I know with all these new additions he's not going to get it. Plus, well it was a long drawn out struggle for him to be in this world, and I don't want a single milestone nor moment of his life to go un-noticed, if you KWIM??? Problem is that is exactly what is going to happen.

I know this for a fact, b/c my sister hasn't been home for very long, and while my mom was calling me everyday to check on me and *B*, since Christmas and my attitude (we had the flu and Mom insisted on us coming to her house any way) I haven't received a single phone call from her. Now tell me, is that not favoritism toward my sister and her daughter? I think it is. I mean I know I live closer than her, but there are times when I visit my Mom she still talks to my sister on the phone. Not to mention that my sister does live a distance away, and she hasn't even lived there as long as I've lived where I do, and the total of visits my mother has actually been inside my house and sat down and visited I can count on one hand, where my sister on the other hand can't. That is pathetic. I guess I should just chalk it up to I'm not the favored child. I know I never got a fair amount of attention growing up, things were never equal between myself and my siblings, but I will be damned if I let my child go through the same heart ache with them not being equal from his grandparents while growing up; that I did from my parents growing up. I refuse!!!

So, we'll see how his attention from them and these pregnancies play out. I guarantee you though that I WILL be putting my foot down in this matter if *B* isn't treated the same and shown the same amount of attention. In the meantime, DH and I are going to work on that syndrome I have......send some sticky *~*~*BABYDUST*~*~* this way, and wish us luck. Hugs to all!!!

I Should Be Happier.....

****Word of Wise to my sister, please DO NOT take offense to this entry, but I have these things on my mind, and I need to put them down somewhere so I'm not filled with frustration.****

But I'm not. I love my little sister don't get me wrong. She's an EXCELLENT mother, but today's news of pregnancy #2 came as a shock and a heart ache to me. I know it's all that infertility mumbo jumbo coming out in me, b/c even though I have my wonderful miracle I still get that pang of jealousy and that knot of anger in the depths of my gut with every BFP announcement I hear, especially ones that come from my siblings. This baby I will love just as I love my neice now, which is with all my heart. BUT (yes there is always a but with me) I'm mad DAMNIT!!!! I tried for going on 6yrs to have *B*, went through God awful treatments that NEVER friggin' worked, and here she is not even trying b/c her DH was getting deployed for his third tour to Iraq on Oct.27th for a 15month stretch and BAM! she's pregnant. She's due around my little man's first birthday, which bothers me the most about the whole thing. I know I can't control when the baby actually comes, but I'm afraid that her due date being at this time his birthday isn't going to be that important, b/c everyone will be worrying about her as her pregnancy will be at it's end. And well, with her DH being gone and all I know the family members that count the most probably will not be at *B*'s first birthday party, b/c they will want to be in KY to give her support while delivering baby#2.

Then there is all his first holidays coming this year now, and with her planning on being up here from KY, I'm afraid that *B*'s first major events will be put to the wayside, b/c everyone will be making a big fuss of her and her growing belly. He's only 4months old, and I now feel that the next 8months aren't going to be that important to everyone about him. I may be wrong, but damnit.....I want him to be the center of attention, b/c he truely is a miracle, b/c nobody ever thought that he would be in this world, and here he is and now he has to compete with the new baby to be.

Lastly is that pang of jealousy in me. I'm supposed to be the most fertile right now up to *B*'s first birthday, and here we are not really trying but not preventing and nothing is happening. I'm still freaking late, and POAS as well as bloodwork before my oral surgery has no BFP in sight. I wanted to be first at something "good" in my family for once, but that again hasn't happened. She will be first at having 2 children. And even though she will have her hands full being a single mother for 6months after the new baby is born until her DH returns....I am JEALOUS!!! God, I wish this green monster would get off my back. Then there is the way that my family approaches me with information on these types of things. I don't want them to walk on egg shells having to watch everything that they say, but the scars on infertility on my heart are deep and ever-lasting, and just b/c I have *B* doesn't mean that they have went away. FAR FROM IT ACTUALLY!!! So, when I am more mature now and I don't scream, cuss, cry, and shout about the issue, I still wish that they would be sympathetic to the situation. They are not. I told my mom how I felt tonite after I knew that my sister had told her, and her response was you may be telling us the same thing in Jan. when you start trying again. That is not what you say to someone whose heart is vulnerable in the situation. Just understand I'm hurting and let me know that you are there for me WITHOUT taking sides, and then be supportive, but most of all let the news sink in, and let me adjust before offering your subtle comments on the issue at hand.

CONGRATS are in order for you Blu, and I am happy for you HONESTLY. It's just news like this still hurts to hear. Hopefully someday it will get easier, I'm just sorry that today wasn't the day. I love you, and can't wait to enjoy all your pregnancy moments. Good Luck and Belly Rubs!!!