Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Just An Unbearable Day

Today started out crappy just all around. I started out thinking that just 3yrs ago today I saw those 2 beautiful lines on a pregnancy test blessing me with my adorable little man. It depresses me b/c it has been that long and I feel like I have a hole in my heart wanting the baby #2. I know I should be content with the miracle of having just one b/c there are many out there still trying for #1, but my family just doesn't feel complete yet so I long for that next child. (This feeling was before I went to bed, and I had me a good cry.) Then I wake up to drum roll please..... AF make her grand appearance. Now I know why I've been this emotional wreck for a week. Thank you pre-PMS. Well, the day went on and I was feeling better some what. I've done some cleaning, baked some cookies, put a rack of ribs in the crock pot. Then I get a phone call from my sister who's been lacking in having time for me lately with having a house-full of company and have been having health problems of her own. She drops a bomb on me. She's pregnant for #3. I had had a dream about her and my cousin that I'm close to last week. That they would both be pregnant by Christmas. One down one to go. I'm happy for her, scared very b/c she's been having problems with her liver, but it doesn't keep my heart from hurting no less. Here we are struggling to see those two lines for #2 and she's only been off her bcps a month and a half and see the BFP. I'm trying to be strong and supportive for her..... but at the same time it's soooooo hard. I just wish I could be pregnant again already. Is that to freakin' much to ask???


  1. Oh, hon, I am so sorry. The longing for a child--whether your first, second, or tenth-- is just such an intense, primal, emotional thing. Of course it's hard. You shouldn't feel guilty about that or try to rationalize the emotion. It just sucks. And how dare your sister get pregnant?! (Kidding, kidding. But man do I remember those feelings of wanting so badly to just be happy for someone, but finding the mountain of my own grief that blocked my way to seem overwhelming.)

    Many hugs. I hope that you will finally see those two lines soon.

  2. Aww chicky sounds like you had a real sucky time there. Believe me my clock's been going off non-stop for years and watching everyone else get pregnant and feeling like I was being punished every time another announcement would come. It's incredibly hard to take. But amazing how your dreams always seem to come true. (tho seems my system has yet to listen to your predictions) I hope that you'll soon see a nice big BFP {{hugs}} message me if you need me!


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