Neglecting The Blog & Other Stuff

My dearest Baby Dreamers... I'm so sorry I have been neglecting my blog. I have so much to write about these days, but so little time to do it. Being a full-time college student, full-time Mommy, and full-time housewife plus having family issues, marital problems still, and being depressed ALOT of the time has left little time for me to write about the things I need to be here. But any way, I just wanted to drop a line and let all of you my faithful readers know that I'm still alive and kicking and one of these days I'll find time to catch you up on my crazy life.

In the meantime I'll leave you with this awesome picture of my handsome little man with my fall decor:

and the side note that yesterday was the start of a brand new AF. Maybe just maybe (knock on wood) I'm starting to cycle some what normally again since the m/c back in April. One can only hope. *sigh*

CD 1

It's funny how in the midst of all the bullshit going on here I can even think about such things as the start of a new cycle. But good ol' Aunt Flo arrived here today. Maybe it's from stress or maybe my body is desperately trying to get back on track, who knows. However, I'll take it as it made last cycle 34 days long, which is a far cry from the 60 or 60+ day cycles I've been having. As for things here I can't really say, b/c I'm being blog stalked now.

YES, CODY, YOU READ THAT RIGHT... I'M NOT SAYING!!!

I do appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers, comments, and support though as it is helping me personally through this very rough patch. I don't know what I'm going to do about my blog. But, as promised I'll keep ya'll informed... but mostly this post was just to document my cycle. For now, I'm back to internet silence.

It Soothes The Soul

Life here is still in turmoil and chaos with H*attie living here. I'm so short fused it's not funny. If she even looks at me wrong or chews her food to loudly or something small; I'm blowing off the handle at her. Forget about all the things that she does that tops the list to completely piss me off. Some of the problem I know the past week or so is the hormone overload I've been on. AF was well past due, but I knew she was a lurking. Sure enough, the nasty hag arrived this past Saturday.

Since AF started though, I've been this weepy teary eyed female. I'm like this every cycle, but it's usually only the first day or so. The past year or so it's gotten alot worse. I can actually feel the difference and change in my body from raging bitch to the bawling my eyes out baby. I saw a commercial on TV about PMDD, and I've been researching it. I know I shouldn't self diagnose, but I swear I have it. Every symptom listed is what I deal with tenfold a week leading up to AF. I keep saying I really need to get into a Dr., whether it be an RE or OB/GYN... but today I became proactive. I decided that I'm ready to start TTC again, so I made my initial consultation appt with the RE that I was supposed to see back in April when I found out I was pregnant and cancelled. Of course they have a wait list, and with cancelling previously I'm on the bottom. But, my appt is scheduled for late October. I'm excited, nervous, giddy, and scared about this all at one time.

Any how, since AF is here and I've been so emotional I've been doing some soul searching. While soul searching I've been walking at night with *B*. Let me tell you, that's fun stuff. You get a quarter mile in and he has to pee, even though he just went before we walked out the door not even 3-5min before that. He makes me laugh though, and dries my tears. For, it never fails that every walk I end up talking to him like he's a grown adult about my problems. He just listens, and asks "What's this or that?" pertaining to what I'm talking about, nods like he understands, is silent for awhile, then he'll scream loudly, then giggles uncontrollably. I love that little Monster, he makes the madness bearable. He also helps sooth my soul by listening, letting me cry, and laughter... it always makes for a brighter tomorrow. At least for me any way.

On a side note, take time to become a "Follower" of my blog on your google reader if you're not already, and if you have Face*book be sure to "Fan" my official blog site there as well for up-to-date (usually) daily happenings in the land of Baby Dreams... which you can do by scrolling down on my left side bar and clicking in the corresponding area that you'd like to be a part of. Happy Tuesday and Happy Reading!

Mother Nature...

you're a cruel dispiteful bitch. I so wish that yesterday before I decided to POAS b/c it's been 7wks since I've had any bleeding (after my m/c) that you could of given me an inkling that you had AF lurking for me that day. I had no signs or symptoms of either one, but DH and I have had sex so that's why I POAS. Of course it was a BFN. Two hours later the hag arrived.

I really need to get into the OB/GYN as I'm a hot mess on my cycles. I just don't feel like it though. I'm simply tired of being poked and proded at, and only being told the next line of treatment when the last one made me produce eggs and blah, blah, blah.... I'm sure you've all been there. It's gets old really fast. I'm on a break and I'm checked out mentally from TTC. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't... but I refuse to consume my every thought with it from now on. It's the only way I feel I can heal myself from my loss and everything else.

Long Time No See

Hello again Haggatha! It's about time you made your damned presence. I mean what it this like CD one million now or something? (I kid, I kid.) Seriously though AF appeared FINALLY in all her glory today and it's CD66. I had given up hope and was intenting on calling an OB/GYN, so s/he could call out a search party. I had an inkling she was lurking though, you know with the pizza face look I got with all these zits popping up over the weekend. So, now she's here.

Any how guess I won't have to find an OB/GYN to get into to get AF induced before my RE appt next month. Thank God for that. I am emotional and crampy as hell though, and I was secretly holding out hope that I was pregnant and all the stupid HPTs I've taken that kept daunting me with BFNs were just wrong. Guess I was just wrong. Hey one can never know right? Any way, it appears as though the RE I'm going to be seeing on Apr.8th wants me to have another full work up again with blood work, HSG, u/s, and pretty much the whole she-bang from the paper work I received today. This all will really suck since I had all this done already and I have limited infertility coverage now. I'm eager to talk to this new RE and see why I have to redo all this. Maybe it's the time frame since I've had it done, or maybe it's the lack of records they have on me since my OB/GYN is an asshole and won't release my stuff. Who knows? Any one out there have any ideas?

CD60??

Seriously you defective piece of crap reproductive system.... WHY CAN'T YOU WORK RIGHT?!?! This is quite ridiculous that it has been 60 days since I last seen AF. I have until next month before I'm into see my new RE, and I refuse to go to my former OB/GYN after him or any member of his office never called me back after my lumpy leaky breast issues at the end of the year. I mean if you can't get a response from them on something that serious, how are they going to take the rest of my body seriously? So, after taking like 10 HPTs and getting all BFNs in the course of the last 20-30days I need to find a course of action, b/c I know the new RE will not be happy about me having a non-existant AF upon my arrival to her office. I only have like a handful of choices and none of which I find very optimal: I can call my family Dr. and see if I can get him to give me a script for Pro*vera so that I can have AF. I can find another OB/GYN and hopefully get in to see him/her before my RE appt and get a script to start AF. I can suck it up call the current OB/GYN even though I'm severely irritated with that office, go in get my pap (that they put off last year), and get me a script. Or I can continue to wait for the RE appt. and hope and pray she's not mad at me when I get there for not contacting my OB/GYN about this problem and then get a script when I'm there and start AF. I'm not sure what to do, but I know I need to do something? Anything? Maybe I'll call the RE's office and see what the nurse mgr. has to say about what I should do, since I'm not yet currently a patient until my intake appt. next month. Sounds like a good idea to me.....

I'll let you know.

PS: Make sure if you leave me a comment asking a question that you check back in that post's comment section for my reply. I tend to have conversations in my comment area, for those that are new to the blog. :)

Irritable...

There are plenty of times when Mommy stress just gets to me. I just focus on the good plan a night of unwinding and letting my hair down and carry on with the chaos. This past week has been one of those chaotic stress filled weeks that left me with a headache and extremely high blood pressure. The combination of AF arriving today and all four of *B*'s 2yr molars coming in at once probably aren't a good mixture either. However my little Monster has been pressing my buttons, and he knows just how to do so, and get away with it. This week though I've enforced corporal law into our home as I just couldn't handle the madness and terrible 2's anymore. I couldn't tolerate his first clogging up the bath tub with pieces of a sponge he ripped apart, then the toilet with a whole roll of toilet paper, and later the sink with a tooth brush and sock. (And no he will not be using the potty by himself anymore, and we've removed the old locking door knob we didn't have the key for with one that we do have the key for now.) His bad streak carried on with coloring on the wood frame of his bed, the kitchen table, and his desk and chair set with crayons. I can't forget where he stood in the middle of the family room and told me "Mommy I don't have to you're not my boss!" when I told him to help pick up the clutter of toys spread from his room to there. Then there is spilling a gallon of water on the kitchen floor while I took out the trash, spilling a can of pop that down the front of the counter that DH left when he went to work while *B* was supposed to be using the potty, and his throwing a yogurt on the floor and the seal busting to a nice strawberry mess b/c he didn't get his way to mention. And THOSE are just the chart toppers.

He's definitely mastered the art of the terrible 2's, but Mommy is finally one-upping him. When standing on the wall time outs no longer worked, we switched to room time outs where he would just play, and we found that didn't work either. So, (and not that I'm bragging about doing this b/c I feel horrible and it really isn't the answer) we started smacking his butt. At first he cried, but this past month he would just standing there and say "Me no cry no more." all pitifully and then slyly grin, and Lords knows I wanted to lash into him harder but I restrained. So, instead I started taking away his toys and pretending to throw them in the trash and put them outside for the trashman to take away. Break my heart and his..... this boy cries..... big crocodile tears..... and asks for the the trashman to bring said toy/s back for hours/days. We even took away this toy that is his most prized possession that he got for Christmas,

and didn't give it back for three. whole. days. I know we're mean parents, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere and this was it. Any how, he's doing better at listening now and helping out, although he's still helping out too much. He's trying to be too independent and doing/getting things on his own that he shouldn't be (such as juice from the fridge for his cup). But we are making progress. The only bad thing about this whole week is I didn't get to unwind from this week, b/c as it turns out I have some crappy friends who didn't care to want to include me in their activities and instead just hurt my feelings adding insult to the already shitty week I'd had with the high blood pressure and Monster drama. Oh well though, life goes on and things are looking up and I'll have another crappy event and I'll know that I can get through it without the need to let my hair down. Now if only we can move on from his "new" thing.... walking around holding his mouth saying "Me head ache." If only he knew... LOL!

Weird, Just Weird

I really wish I knew what was going on inside my body. I'm telling you if I had the money and the medical knowledge to operate and know what I was looking at, I would buy me some high-tech medical equiptment for my house to keep track of the goings-on in there. So I mentioned my body was toying with me.... well it's REALLY toying with me now. My emotions are all over the place. Mostly they are of the teary-eyed variety, but I have some raging bitch moments in there.

(PLEASE BE PREPARED FOR TMI FOR THE REST OF THIS ENTRY)
Then there was see spot, see spot go away, and come again the next day. Now there is AF which graciously arrived in all her glory last night, but is really lite and unusual for me. Amongst the weird that's been going on was my boobs were looking and feeling larger than life and really sore to the touch especially the nips. I've also been twingy/twitchy crampy versus the normal saw me in half cramps, and there has been no PMS that I normally have just headaches. So, then the weirdest of everything that's been going on was what happened this morning when I was starting a load of laundry.... my boobs were hurting just like they have been then all of a sudden the pain went away and the front of my shirt was wet. My boobs are leaking, like I'm lactating like when I had *B*. It's happened two more times since this morning too, and I'm not talking a little bit but like let down type of wet, and I haven't breastfed since *B* was 15days old.

I've peed on all of 6 HPTs and they were all BFNs except I thought I saw a faint line on the last one to which DH said he saw nothing, and I tore it apart to try to prove my point. He then peeled it from my clammy white grip and trashed it in the kitchen trash that was all nasty and gross. To which I feel to the floor and bawled. I've NEVER had this happen before, and I've been looking online (and only coming up with things that make my head swirl) for answers as to what is going on. Looks like I'm going to have to call my OB/GYN that I hate to see if I can get in ASAP, b/c I can't wait until the beginning of January to see the RE to see what is going on, why I sit and wait, wonder, and worry.

Anyone have this happen or have any answers for me on what might be going on that are totally overwhelming and scary as hell?

My Body is Toying With Me

It seems the hag is late. Which is no surprise to me, b/c well never in my life has she came as planned. So, to add insult to injury I put a HPT in my cart yesterday while I was picking up wrapping paper to start wrapping *B*'s Christmas presents. I rushed straight home (b/c as my body likes to play tricks on my mind I could swear that I had sore boobs and uterine twinges which for me are a common sign of pregnancy) to pee on that stick. I was hoping so desperately to see two blissfully wonderful pink lines so that I may have my Christmas miracle and not feel left in the dust while everyone around me seems to be reproducing like rabbits. Of course BFN. I hate it that even after starring at so many of those sticks looking like that, that it never fails I have hope while I see the pee move across the window. AF will be a happily rolling in though as I've been an up and down hormonal bitch all weekend. Guess I'll still be looking ahead to my new RE appt. in January. I can't wait!!

Just An Unbearable Day

Today started out crappy just all around. I started out thinking that just 3yrs ago today I saw those 2 beautiful lines on a pregnancy test blessing me with my adorable little man. It depresses me b/c it has been that long and I feel like I have a hole in my heart wanting the baby #2. I know I should be content with the miracle of having just one b/c there are many out there still trying for #1, but my family just doesn't feel complete yet so I long for that next child. (This feeling was before I went to bed, and I had me a good cry.) Then I wake up to drum roll please..... AF make her grand appearance. Now I know why I've been this emotional wreck for a week. Thank you pre-PMS. Well, the day went on and I was feeling better some what. I've done some cleaning, baked some cookies, put a rack of ribs in the crock pot. Then I get a phone call from my sister who's been lacking in having time for me lately with having a house-full of company and have been having health problems of her own. She drops a bomb on me. She's pregnant for #3. I had had a dream about her and my cousin that I'm close to last week. That they would both be pregnant by Christmas. One down one to go. I'm happy for her, scared very b/c she's been having problems with her liver, but it doesn't keep my heart from hurting no less. Here we are struggling to see those two lines for #2 and she's only been off her bcps a month and a half and see the BFP. I'm trying to be strong and supportive for her..... but at the same time it's soooooo hard. I just wish I could be pregnant again already. Is that to freakin' much to ask???

It Occured To Me...

today that I needed to make a post. Form last one to this one *B* and I both got better, unfortunately *B* got sick again this week. I'm a complete germaphobe so this is eerie to me. Any way, he has an inner ear infection and strep throat. ARGH! It pretty much sums up that trick-or-treat which him and I have both been looking forward to b/c he looks so damned cute in his T-Rex outfit is in the bag and he won't be going. I'm pretty sure that after the shot in his hip last night he's not contagious 24hrs out, but I'm not taking my chances on him getting worse with our weather going from warm and sunny to cold and rainy in the blink of an eye. So, any way, that's what's going on with him other than him being his terrible Monster self and well being almost completely potty trained, and all of a sudden being afraid of the dark and sleeping in our bed. Otherwise there could be worse issues.

It also occured to me today that I need to spruce up the blog. I had had the old background for far too long and since I (big puffy heart) fall, I figured I do something like that and try to cling on to it while it quickly fades into winter around here. Thanks chicky for showing me the background I love it. And just b/c I didn't want totally steal what you already had I tweaked the colors and fonts and what not. What can I say we've always said we're sisters from other mothers so it's only natural we would like the same thing. LOL.

And... it occurred to me today that here it is the 28th of the month and I'm yet to see AF. So, I when I filled *B*'s prescription today at the pharmacy I bought a test and had to torture myself even though I knew the answer. But you see I had hope b/c I had been regular in AF even when I wasn't doing teatments, I have been moody and very teary eyed here and there for no reason, and I have an increase in appetite and I thought that could be b/c of dieting guess it's is really....b/c no chance. My hope with smashed with the BIGGEST FATTEST NEGATIVE ever. Boo! Here's to hoping I guess. I'm still trying to lose weight to see if that helps jump start something "right" in my ovarian system. Who knows I'm ye of little faith.

So, that about wraps things up around here for this update. The holidays are soon approaching and I'm dreading it. Family drama has already began amongst the extended family and I want to leave the country. And, well I need to get my butt in gear with Christmas shopping so I can check that stresser off my ever growing list. Blessed be to all, and I hope that you're having a wonderful fall!!

Checking In

I wanted you all to know that have checked in on me that I'm doing alright. There are some things going on at home that I don't have time to go into detail about right now as it's 1:30am and I should be in bed. We're not doing fertility treatments right now..... per Dr's orders, my request, and the fact that I want to find a new Dr. b/c I hate my current clinic. Also, I wanted to document that all it took was an entry about still holding onto hope about the cycle for spot to show up, and the hag to rear her ugly face the following day (9/19/09). I'll be back with another entry soon after I iron out the kinks at home, and I'm thinking of starting a diet/excercise/weightloss blog but I'll let ya'll know all about that when it's a more decent hour for writing..... in the meantime I'm perfectly fine and thanks for checking and caring.

Quick Update

For the only moment I have I wanted to stop by and let you all know that I'm still alive. DH has been on vacation this past week and rather than travel we've been doing things close to home. When I have more time (probably when he's back at work, b/c right now either we're on the go or I'm keeping myself busy cleaning so I don't blow up on him) I promise I'll post a more detailed entry about what is going on in the land of Baby Dreams. But for the most part I wanted to pop in and say "Hello, I'm still alive!" Plus, I wanted to make note that I started Clomid today and I start stimming Monday, b/c AF arrived on my Crappy Happy 26th Birthday. Damn that curse of the 13. (I'll explain it later...but chicky you know what I mean.)

Should of Known Better

All the cycles before this one and all the BFNs, and then I obtain the greatest miracle of all,my son, "Au natural". I should of known better than to get my hopes up thinking that this would be the one. Especially since stimming wasn't as productive as the Dr. and myself would have hoped. Heck fertility treatments only left me with this huge gaping hole in my heart and yearning; and never produced anything but heartache and misery for me. So, any way the nasty hag arrived today. I had a nice cry in the shower, and she's early but it's definitely her. On to next cycle. I can only try to think positively and wish that this one will be it. However discouragement is upon me. *Sigh*

AF Arrived

Just now the old hag reared her ugly face. So, to the start of what I hope is to be one very blessed and lucky cycle. Two days (Monday) and I start C*lomid. Then there was a protocol change for the M*enopur... I'll now be doing 150iu on CD7&9. Definitely scared about stabbing myself with a needle, but I know it's for the greatest outcome in the world. Funny thing is the two days I'll be injecting myself will be DH's birthday & Father's Day. Maybe that is a + sign. I hope!!!

AF

For my records the hag arrived late Sunday nite/early Monday morning after being absent for 2months on her own which is a huge accomplishment for my body.

AF

The hag arrived today and naturally. Woo-hoo go my body. The things that amuse me..LOL. Least this means things might possibly be working right????? One can only hope.

AF Once Again

For documentation purposes I wanted to put it in here that AF made her nasty appearance once again today after having to take Provera. Boy, how I missed and loved the months before *B* when I didn't have to take that nasty stuff, and it just arrived on it's own. Oh well, onto yet another cycle. Not that that is of major importance.

And, for those that are wondering we're taking a break in the TTC department for awhile. To many things going on in the homeland right now.

Day 44 and...

I'm ready to throw in the towel. I thought for sure that we would nail ovulation this past month and I would be announcing a BFP. My hoo-haw hurts, AF (well spot) is here, and I got a BFN over the weekend. I have no clue how long AF will be here and BD-ing during that time just doesn't appeal to me, so we (actually I) would have to result to other forms to keeps this deal going. We've kind of made it a bet now, b/c I've been complaining. DH doesn't think I will make it to day 100, which right now I'm not so sure either, but I'm determined to conceive #2 and while I'm working at that he's lost sight of it. As an end result if I make to the 100 day mark DH is arranging to take me away for a weekend without *B* for a mini-vacay. There's this cozy little B&B that we saw in the country and I really want to spend it there. So, I'm almost half way there I might as well suck it up and keep on with it. After day 50 it's all down hill from there right??? And who knows I still might get that BFP since he doesn't think we're techinically "trying"...how could we not be???? Ummmm.....duh!!!! LOL...MEN!!!

AF is Toying with Me (A TMI post)

Well, I was due for her on the on 9/8/08, but I only got pinkish discharge on the TP. Then there was nothing the next day, so I tested, BFN...BLAH!! 9/10/08-9/12/08 was brown discharge nothing heavy and only on the TP. Finally on 9/13/08 she arrived in full force with all her relatives. She was here until 9/19/08 full force then I went back to brown spotting until 9/22/08. She's gone now, but I know she was here to long and I'm still wondering what it was all about. I just pray this is the cycle since we're trying but without treatments that will produce our next miracle. Fingers crossed and babydust needed!!!