Thursday, January 31, 2008

Full Time Parent vs. Part Time Parent

DH and I have been fighting on and off since Saturday. I'm aggrevated by his parenting skills or lack there of. He's loves *B* and absolutely adores him as well, but good grief could he spend more than just 10 minutes of quality time with him? *B* is in that clingy stage, which I understand, but I have things that I need and want to do too, and a little help would be nice. I know I shouldn't be complaining, b/c I'm very fortunate to be married and *B* to have a dad who is in his life and wants to be there for him. The situation just irritates me I guess. Like take the last 24 hours for instance here is how it played out:

*B* didn't get to bed until 10ish Tuesday night. Then a horrible thunderstorm came through (in January...only in Ohio) followed by high winds. Well we live in a single wide trailer without a basement. So, each gust as it got stronger and stronger started shaking the trailer literally. To which *B* woke up to a few times. Not mention the huge 100yr old tree in our back yard, that has limbs that goes over the trailer kept having branches fall out of it and on the roof, to which my dogs barked at and woke up *B*. So, I was up almost every hour or so on the hour. Then finally the winds died down around 5:30am, and *B* and I were both able to sleep. Only his wake up call was at 8:30am. So, I get up with him completely exhausted. DH heats me up a bottle and goes to bed ( works midnights so he wasn't home all night). So, I come to the living room and feed *B*, and then I put him in his walker hoping that would wear him out so I could catch a few ZZZZZZ's with him afterwards. Nope.....not until 1pm did he finally go down for a nap. By this time I was exhausted but wide awake. So, I figured I would start working on our taxes. *B* only slept for 30min and was up and raring to go. At 4pm I go to wake up DH, so we could watch the Idol that was recorded the night before. It takes him 15min to get out of bed. Finally he gets in the shower, and was in there for 45min doing probably only what we could imagine. By this time I had dinner almost completely done, I had fed *B* baby food, and changed his diaper. So, I put him in his walker again so he could follow me in the kitchen. He gets stuck in the door way, and starts crying, so I turn knock off the frying pan and ruin dinner while burning myself. At this point I scream down the hallway at DH to quit whacking it and come be a father and frickin' help me. I was furious. 5min later he emerges from the bathroom to find *B* still crying and stuck in the doorway, and me cleaning up the mess....and he laughs. I could of very well of picked up that frying pan and bashed him in the skull with it. So, he's sitting on the couch in his boxer holding *B* griping about being cold. I told him to give him to me and get dressed. He says something sarcastic and I said fine freeze then and walked away to find the phone box to call in for pizza. Just as I'm dialing the number he decides he wants to get dressed and hands me *B* who fusses in the receiver so that the pizza place couldn't hear me. 15-20min later I have to leave to pick up the pizza (they don't deliver to my house only 5 blocks away). He couldn't stay there with *B* for 5min while I did this, so I had to get him in his snow suit in the carseat and lug him to the vehicle. I get the pizza come home and try to juggle the pizza and carry *B* in the house, since he wouldn't come out to help even after I blew the horn 3 times. I get inside to find that the pizza place had screwed up the toppings. I listen to DH gripe as he eats it while I sit and try to calm *B*, b/c he cried the whole time we were gone. At this point it's 20 til 6pm, neither Idol nor House got watched, I'm starving and *B* is falling asleep in my arms for his second nap of the day. Finally after DH takes his time eating he's done and it's my turn, oh but wait it's time for him to pack his bucket which I didn't get done b/c of dealing with *B*, so he can't hold him either. I'm then forced to put him down in the pack and play and hope that he stays asleep so I can eat while it's hot. I get my pizza and no sooner sit down to eat and he wakes up. By now it's 6:10pm or so and DH is running late getting out the door to get to work on time, so I have to put my pizza in the microwave and hold *B*. I was mad, and he was crying already, and he's so sensitive to loud sounds b/c of his head injury, but I couldn't help myself I starting yelling at DH about helping me more and me not having to do it all. And about needing a day off as my job is 24/7 and NEVER ends. I was mad, what can I say. Instead of listening he slams the door and leaves. I cried for an hour. He hasn't called nothing. I continued the rest of my nightly routine with *B*, and at 10pm once *B* was in bed for the night I finally ate.

It's sad, but this type of thing is happening more and more between us. I feel like a single parent or as my title says "A Full Time Parent" while he gets by with just being a part-time dad. I know he's the sole bread winner of the family, but come on now is it too much to ask to spend time with the baby that you helped make? His idea of spending quality time with him is putting him in his walker, or excersaucer, or on the floor with his toys and being in the same room with him. Then he wonders why *B* always wants me. I spend the most time with him, I do everything for him. Sometimes I wonder if it is my infidelity that makes him treat *B* like he does? He knows he's his, he wanted a DNA test done for goodness sakes, and *B* is 99.98% his. Least that is what the paper says, although I don't know if he completely believes it or not. He doesn't talk to me about it and if I try to talk to him about it I get "whore" comments and a fight accures.

I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I know He sees what is going on and that is why AF showed up tonite, and this past cycle was a bust. He doesn't think we are ready for another child just yet. Maybe that is why the Dr. pretty much called me fat at my appt. Friday. It is His plan. Who knows, I question Him and find great difficulty in believing in Him. Espcially with all the crap I have been through in my life. It is more than any one person should ever have to endure, that is defintely for sure. Not that I'm looking for a pity party, but I would just once like my plan to be a little more defined and ALOT less hard on me. So, tomorrow is DH's day off....well until Monday he's off......guess we'll see how many more fights happen with my hormones going bizirk from AF, or if he steps up to the plate. I know one thing I'm done asking and telling him to be a parent, he better start doing it!!! Pray for me and us.....I need all the strength to not flip out on him that I can get. Thanks and Husg to all!!!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Mulitple Dr. Appts. and Prayers Needed

Well, I tend to try to make it top priority to get an annual physical each January. As well as forcing DH to get one too. (I get so scared that he doesn't go to the Dr. all year long even when he's horribly sick or in pain, that one time when we go in there the Dr. will run tests and it will show cancer, just as it did for his parents who passed away.) So, we headed off to the Dr. today get the work-up done. Well, for the record this new Dr. that took over for my old Dr. has HORRIBLE bedside manner. So, any way, I went in and he asked about my sugars, if I were having any hypothroidism symptoms, and just the general physical Q&A. My only general complaint was that I've started getting the same nagging yet sometimes stabbing pain in my right side as I got while I was pregnant when I had elevated liver enzymes with the toxemia. Well, the pain has persistantly gotten worse the past couple of months. Well, the idiot decied to lower my metformin dosage before he got back my bloodwork, which ticks me off, b/c that is what he did with my synthroid and he threw my TSH levels WAY out of whack. So, I'm just waiting for my sugars to start jumping all over the place too. Not to mention his rudeness of telling me in his exact words, "You need to lose weight, you're extremely obese, and doing so will help your sugars and possibly your right sided pain." Can you say "A$$HOLE!!"? Any way, after all that was said and done, he sent me to the lab to get 3 vials of blood taken and urine.

Now onto DH....In the past month he's being getting some type of pain right where his ribs meet together in the front. He's been saying that he thinks he has an ulcer, but I think it's his gallbladder. So, the Dr. examines him rights out his lab work, and starts to put something on there for blood work. At this point DH tells the Dr. find out what is wrong, but without poking me endlessly with needles, you can subject me to all the radioactive procedures you want, but I refuse to have blood taken. (He's a big baby, but he's also had a bad experience with getting bloodwork done so that is another reason he steers clear of it.) So, to this the Dr. rolls his eyes, and rips up the lab paper that he was writing on and pulls out another one to fill out. Then he asks DH, "If the test results come back that may result in a possible surgery are you going to object to that too?" To this DH responds with "I'm leaving this world with what I came into it with and you're not putting me under or cutting me wit any knife." To this the Dr. shrugs, sighs, and shakes his head. Sometimes I don't get DH. He has a baby now and me (sometimes I wonder if he even thinks about this when it comes to health issues) wouldn't you think that if there were something MAJORLY wrong that he would want to fix it for our sakes. ARGH!!!! That man drives me up the wall. So, please pray it's nothing serious that involves surgery, b/c his stubborn a$$ would rather die than fix it.

Now for *B*..... I've been taking him to his well baby visits, and other Dr. visits that he's need for various reasons religiously. So, the other day he was rubbing his ear like he does his eyes when he's tired, as well as sticking his finger in it, and tugging on it. I took him to the Dr. for this. While we were there the Dr. noticed that his right eye when he focuses on something jumps back and forth. So, she referred us to an opthamologist, and scheduled him for a CT scan. I'm very nervous about the results b/c if it's neurological it could mean possible brain surgery, and I feel terrible.

Here's why: You can pass me the Bad Mother Award right now!!! I've never mentioned this before, but I hope that it's not my fault. When *B* was 5 days old of course I wasn't getting any sleep through the night and DH had to go back to work. Well, *B* was dealing with jaundice, and I was having to get up early each morning to go to the hospital to have his biliruben levels checked. Any way, I was sleeping with him on the couch and I was out of it b/c I was so exhausted. My dogs barked at something they heard outside, and my completely forgetting that *B* was sleeping on my chest jumped up off the couch and he fell to the floor. I called the pedi. and took him in and she checked him out and pretty much said he was fine and everything was all clear. He didn't fall from a high distance, and he fell on carpet that is well padded underneath. I think I cried harder and more than he did when it happened. Since then there hadn't been any problems with his eyes and focusing issues. Well, that was incident #1.

Fast forward to right before Thanksgiving and his bought with RSV/RVI and incident #2. I had just gotten home from picking my step-sister up at work and taking her home. I had taken *B* with me of course. Well, he has this thing with arching his back when you put him in or get him out of the car seat. So, I put the carseat on the kitchen counter to get him out of it so I could get off his jacket and give him a bottle b/c he was fussing. He arched his back and reached for his toy that was one solid piece that attached on either side of him on the carrying handle, and this time he didn't let go when I scoped him up. The car seat tipped over and he flopped out of my arms to the tile floor landing on the right side of his head. It knocked him out for like 20sec. He woke and screamed. I called the squad and he was rushed to the ER, screaming the whole way. At that time they did x-rays, a CT scan, and kept him for a few hours for observation. The results came back with no cranial pressure, no bleeding or swelling of the brain, and no cracks. By the time they released us in fact he was happy and giggly and acting normal. Since then though little by little I've noticed certain things that aren't right for a child of his age. One being the eyes of course. Others being a heightend startle reflux, and the fact that he rubs his head ALOT on the right side, as well as that is the ear that always seems to bother him. I didn't really shrug them off, but when at the pedi. I never really addressed them with her. She finally brought them up to me, and so I told her the things I noticed and when I started noticing them. Now she's worried that he may have a head related problem from the injury. So, he has to undergo a few tests to see what the problem is. His appt. with the opthamologist is Monday, as well as his CT scan.

Just pray it is nothing serious that may involve brain surgery or any surgery for that matter. I want my baby to be alright, and I'm very scared. I'll keep you updated on the situation. Thanks in advance.

I'm nervous about the

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I Hate This

I'm L.A.T.E.

So, either I am or I'm not. Today is 17dpo (I think) and I've taking 3 Equate brand tests, and the first 2 were definite BFNs (not that that surprises me at all), but the third which I took this morning I thought had an ever so faint line. So, I ripped the stupid test apart, like I've done so many times in the past to "try" to get a better look at it. I held it in many different brightnesses of lights, and to no avail I have come to the understanding that I pretty sure the test is yet another BFN. Doesn't really surprise me though. However, I believe I've tricked myself into thinking I'm having and/or having pregnancy type symptoms. Just as I've done in the past with infertility. YIKES!!! This trait of mine is so stinkin' repetitive. I'd rather not obsess over TTC, but I am and I do. So, another test in the morning, and if still a BFN a warranted call to the GYN. ARGH!!!

So, enlight of TTC, and me thinking I know what did the trick in the miraculous conception of *B*, our plan is to put TTC on hiatus until mid-March or early April. The new game plan is to drop the leftover baby weight from having *B*, and get down to or even under my pre-pregnancy weight with him. Hopefully, doing this will jump start my reproductive track again, and then we will still have 4ish months before *B* is a year old that I will "supposedly" have a higher chance at conception during. So, I see my family Dr. Friday, and my plan is to get on all the right (same) meds as I was on pre-*B*, and hope that that gives me energy and helps in my weight-loss. Plus, eat healthy, cut back on refined sugars and regular sugars, and TRY (yes I MUST) TRY to excercise more. Wish me luck in the weight-loss dept.

T-minus 60-75ish days until TTC resumes and counting.

Friday, January 18, 2008


The whole process is just horrible. Why can't babies be born with teeth??? I'm telling you if babies went through this while in the womb, there would be alot more mothers with alot less gray hair that aren't so stressed out. Currently *B* has three little white teeth buds that are all about to errupt through the gums any day. He is so cranky with this process, and I'm assuming that is why he hasn't been sleeping either. Well, that and he has HUGE seperation anxiety issues.

So, I've tried everything under the sun that I could think of to help soothe his sore gums. Finally tonite I broke down and tried the infamous "Sugar Tit". OMG!!! It does work!!! He chewed and chewed on that cold wash rag with the ice chips and sugar in it, until he was so tired his little eyes were rolling back in his head. So, I figured he would probably take a bottle at this point. I gave him one he ate it, and has been asleep since 10pm!!! (Knock on wood that he stays that way.) HUGE improvement from the night before at 2:30am, and all this past week at midnight or after. I just wish that those stupid teeth would come in already, or better yet not all at once.

So, with it being a reasonable hour and me being exhausted, and I KNOW he's sleeping soundly ( a slight snore going on) I'm headed to bed to catch up a little bit of sleep that I've been missing. Pray those teeth break through rather quickly. THANKS!!!

Thursday, January 17, 2008


Just today I found out that two of my friends are pregnant. So, that makes a total of five people in my life that are expecting. I'm handling the news well, where in recent days I would be eating myself into oblivion from my depression, with a box of tissues by my side, between my sobs. Instead I held my baby close, and cuddled him while he fought night-night time. I know that my chance for #2 will come soon enough, and we are trying but not like we did while TTC#1, which became more of a chore than the art of making love. So, any way, once again while I am envious of them I continue to smile and grit my teeth, and bask in the presence of the child I currently would move heaven and earth for.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Oh how I miss....

the days when my baby slept from 9pm to almost 9am WITHOUT waking up. For the past week he hasn't been going to sleep until midnight or after, and then he's been waking up at least once throughout the night if not more. I keep the same routine everyday all day long and start the bedtime routine it at the same time every night, but it's not working. I'm not sure what is going on. I know if he's in mine or DH's arms he's fine and sleeping soundly, but the second he's put in his crib his eyes pop open, and if you don't scoop him up right away he screams. If we are able to place him in his crib without this happening then maybe at the most three hours will pass before he wakes and starts screaming. Most times he doesn't take a bottle, but instantly falls back asleep once in your arms. There has been a couple of times that he's taken a bottle or needed a diaper change when he wakes up, but with those middle of the night bottles he only maybe gets in an ounce before he's back asleep. Only to do it all over again in a few hours until around 8am when he takes a full bottle and is up for the day. I wish I knew what the problem was or how to fix it, b/c his lack of sleep is wearing out Mama, not mention not getting enough sleep is weakening my immune system and I now have a horrible cold I'm fighting off.

I know that there are certain people out there that would say put him to bed drowsy, but awake and then let him CIO if he starts fussing, but I'm not a fan of CIO. Not to mention the one time that I did try it *B* only made it six minutes before he made himself vomit, b/c he was so worked up. So, needless to say I won't be doing that again. I thought it was him teething so I've tried Motrin and/or Tylenol alternating with him. I've tried pushing back the bedtime drill a bit, which made him even more crankier by the time it was night-night bottle time, and he still didn't fall asleep after eating it. I've even tried sticking him in bad with DH and I, since he wants to be near us, and that didn't work as he thought it was play time and kicked and babbled away. So, my question to you is what do you think is going on with him and how do I fix it, b/c this new routine of his is exhausting me?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Time Flies

How can it be that my baby is already half a year old? I swear it was just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant with him, and now he's six months old. WOW!!! How time flies.

Any way, his royal cheekiness is cuter than ever. He's already said "Mama", "Baba", "Ucky", and by rare coincidence last night "Dada". In each event it I thought it was just a fluke, but when he sees me I hear "Mama" over and over again. Melt my heart why don't you. When he's hungry or sees his bottle I hear "Baba". "Ucky" came from us telling him numerous time after sticking his toes in his mouth "That's ucky." So, now he does it, we say that, he pulls his toes out of his mouth grins and says "Ucky". I tell you he's such a ham anymore.

He's been doing the army crawl for some time now, but within the past week or so he gets up on his hands and knees rocks back and forth then belly flops. So, I don't think it will be much longer before he's crawling. He can also sit completely alone now for upwards of 5min if not longer. He can transition from a sitting position to a crawling position as well. Right now pretty much every where he wants to go he rolls there and just giggles and giggles about it.

We still don't have any teeth to speak of yet, but he's close. That doesn't stop him though from munching on anything I make available to him. He's a whooping 16lbs 14oz and 27in long. He went from the 50th percentile at 4mths to the 75th percentile now at 6mths. We had to switch formulas with him yet again as not only is he lactose intolerant, but he developed a soy allergy. So, he's now on protien based formula only (better known as: S*imilac A*limentum). He's eating 6-8oz at a time of that with a bit of cereal for thickening b/c of his reflux. He's doing wonders on baby food and cereal as well. Plus we've allowed him fresh fruit which he loves and the G*erber P*uff things, as well as the Z*wieback T*oast.

Lately we've been having issues with nap and bedtime with him. I'm sure it has to do with the past 2wks and DH's shift being different, but he just doesn't want to sleep. I'm lucky to get in one half hour nap for him a day (which is normally in my arms, b/c his eyes instantly pop open upon laying him in his crib during the day) and 8hrs at night. Of course by bedtime this makes for a very unhappy Mama and an even more unhappy baby. He fights sleep horribly, even with routine. I'm not sure what to do, but ride it out, b/c I've tried everything, so any help will be appreciated. Other than this minor blip in the day he's otherwise a very pleasant baby, and I'm lucky to be his mother.

He's done rather well with all his shots. Only things that have been of concern healthwise are of course the RSV/RVI, he's had the flu twice (both times within a week 12/23/07-12/25/07 and 1/1/08-1/3/08), the reflux, a couple ear infections, and the formula allergies. Otherwise he's healthy and thriving well. Knock on wood.

I love him so very much and couldn't imagine my world without him. He's truely my miracle and a blessing to our family. I love being a mother and I look forward to adding more children into the mix. In the meantime please enjoy some random cheekiness.

Monday, January 7, 2008

It MUST Be in the Water....

NO I'm NOT Pregnant!!! Although I wish. I bet that is what you were thinking with that title, weren't you??? The fact of the matter is the majority of my siblings are expecting. I just found out last night, and already I feel that "I WANT A BABY MORE THAN ANYTHING.....RIGHT NOW!!!" syndrome sneaking up on me. I have 2 step-sisters, a step-brother, and a sister that I'm very close with. Of those four, three are expecting. I have many choice words I could say about each particular situation, but instead, I say "Congrats," grit my teeth, and bare the fact that I will be an aunt to three more addtions to our family all within the month of July 2008. I'm irritated by this, b/c I know how my mother and step-father work, and that puts *B* on the back burner big time!!! One of these births will be a first for the baby of the group, so she'll recieve alot of attention, one is my sister who is due directly on *B*'s first birthday, and the other well his child is already the favored one, b/c he's the only boy and it was his first child, now with my luck he'll have the next girl and he lives close therefore more attention.

Of course I probably sound like an attention seeking hog, but damnit my baby deserves to have attention too, and I know with all these new additions he's not going to get it. Plus, well it was a long drawn out struggle for him to be in this world, and I don't want a single milestone nor moment of his life to go un-noticed, if you KWIM??? Problem is that is exactly what is going to happen.

I know this for a fact, b/c my sister hasn't been home for very long, and while my mom was calling me everyday to check on me and *B*, since Christmas and my attitude (we had the flu and Mom insisted on us coming to her house any way) I haven't received a single phone call from her. Now tell me, is that not favoritism toward my sister and her daughter? I think it is. I mean I know I live closer than her, but there are times when I visit my Mom she still talks to my sister on the phone. Not to mention that my sister does live a distance away, and she hasn't even lived there as long as I've lived where I do, and the total of visits my mother has actually been inside my house and sat down and visited I can count on one hand, where my sister on the other hand can't. That is pathetic. I guess I should just chalk it up to I'm not the favored child. I know I never got a fair amount of attention growing up, things were never equal between myself and my siblings, but I will be damned if I let my child go through the same heart ache with them not being equal from his grandparents while growing up; that I did from my parents growing up. I refuse!!!

So, we'll see how his attention from them and these pregnancies play out. I guarantee you though that I WILL be putting my foot down in this matter if *B* isn't treated the same and shown the same amount of attention. In the meantime, DH and I are going to work on that syndrome I have......send some sticky *~*~*BABYDUST*~*~* this way, and wish us luck. Hugs to all!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy New Year 2008!!!

This is my first year as a mother!!! How exciting!! I'm looking forward to all the first that this New Year will bring for me and my family!! Of those first we've already encountered a few in the brief hours of the New Year with *B*, but that is for the next entry. I'm so excited about this year, and I have such a positive outlook for the outcome of the events that are yet to unfold in our lives. All in all.....

I hope that you all rang in the New Year in style and safely!!! Here is to wishing all of you, all the hopes and dreams that you are looking forward to for 2008. May everything come true and fall into place for each of you!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!