Fears, Complications, & Meltdowns

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch of this pregnancy. It's a surreal feeling being 36w2d along. Lately there has been quite a bit of stuff going on. So, I'll start with how I titled this post.

Fears: I keep thinking about if I'll be able to handle being a mother of 2. I'm great as a mother of *B*, but I don't want him to feel left out when the Little Miss arrives. That is one of my biggest fears is if I'll be able to manage my time accordingly when I already know I'll be a single mom throughout the day and babies take up a huge amount of anyone's time. I worry that *B* will feel left out. I worry that even though the Little Miss has flipped and is now currently head down that I'll still end up having to have a c-section. I'm scared that my hormonal pregnancy attitude I've been sporting that has alienated most all people in my life is starting to sneak into my marriage. I know that DH loves me and I love him, but somedays I feel as though our marriage is hanging by a thread b/c I'm so bitchy. I'm scared that I'll have PPD again and I won't be able to function and I'll be left at home with 2 kids sitting on the couch or in the chair bawling and in shambles while my DH works hard to support us. Maybe it's just me, but I'm hoping that these are all normal late pregnancy fears, and that everything will be alright.

Complications: Apparently I am sporting the pregnancy complications of pre-e again. This past Thursday I was admitted into L&D for high BP (190s/90s) and protien in my urine. Once I got there and got all settled with meds my BP started to come down, but I'm still not out of the woods. My 24hr urine protien came back at 185, which was lower than my original baseline urine of 191.2. I have to have twice a week NSTs now and I'm on strict bedrest until this Saturday when I'll be 37wks and my OB says whatever happens happens and he'll let her come into this world if need be. Can I just say how hard it was to be away from DH & *B* for 24hrs. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to do it once the Little Miss actually does arrive in the world. I just hope that I don't keep having high BPs as they make me so sick and so very moody. Guess time will only tell.

Meltdowns: Yep, that should be my middle name these days. Everytime I turn around I'm snapping at this person or that person. I have a strong patience for everyone and everything usually but I just can not handle being pregnant anymore and all the non-caring, stupidity stricken, nagging, and annoying people that surround me. I know I'm almost at the end of this pregnancy and these hormones will go away but in the meantime I'm killing off relationships I have with others one by one. In the moment it feels good b/c then I know I won't have to deal with the preson anymore the rest of this pregnancy, but after thought and it's all said and done I realize I'll probably kill off the relationship permanently not just until I'm no longer pregnant and that greatly saddens me. In the meantime I'm just trying to steer clear of everyone unless they come and ask me what is going on so that I don't lose another friendship or family member.

So, with all that being said... HURRY UP 38WKS AND GET HERE ALREADY!! I'm miserable & I'm over ready to be done.

Welcome ICLW and Things Thus Far

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven (or hell depending on the day) in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog but still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighten yourself on that. (Got to love how I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

If you're here looking for things about the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof... you won't be finding them either except in previous entries that didn't last very long. I don't quit on anything usually, but this I did. Not b/c I didn't care or I don't love my DH, but b/c there has been a change of events that has brought a hell storm upon our love, our marriage, and our commitment to one another. I realized after he started stalking my blog, after I started hacking his email and FB account that I wasn't in the wrong for doing the Love Dare or writing about him... but I was in the wrong for not trusting him. (With good reason though I lost that trust.) I also realized that our marriage is more fragile that I thought and that we need more help than the steps of any Love Dare would of done for us at this point. So, all I can say is we're not good, but we're not horribly bad... we're in between and we're both of us trying to work on things.

As for my blog and going private... I'm not. I thought about it. DH and I talked about it. He knows it's my venting outlet about a whole slew of things. He knows that I receive support from so many of you out there in the blogosphere when I need it. So, b/c of that I'm staying open tot he public albeit with some exceptions, which those that follow me will be able to pick up on in the coming weeks as I write.

In other news... H*attie is still living here, and I'm pretty sure that that chapter is about to close. After a very tearful conversation between DH and I, he realized that she uses word play on little things and with those words drives deeper wedges between him and me. So, he's giving her an out date now that she has a job. I'm hoping this time he'll stand his ground on the matter.

... *B* is growing like a weed around here. He's so smart. I've been teaching him his colors and he knows them all, but has a hard time deciphering between black, brown, and gray. He knows his numbers 1-10 and the actual amount that each of those are. He knows his left from his right. He's in size 4T in all clothes, and a size 9 in shoes. He's in love with his mohawk. He's got a tender heart. And lastly he's such a big helper boy. I'm so lucky to be his Mommy, I couldn't of asked for a more wonderful and perfect son. God truly blessed me 3 1/2yrs ago.

And in closing... if you've made it this far I and you find me interesting and would like to stick around, feel free to follow my blog over there on the left... b/c if you follow me I'll follow you. All you have to do is let me know that you're a new follower of my blog by comment. I'm trying to get to 50 followers, and if I do I have a giveaway in store. So, please I encourage you to follow away. Happy ICLW!!

Rants, Decisions, and Life

**YOU ARE FOREWARNED THAT THERE IS PROFANITY AND VULGARITY IN THIS POST!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!**

It seems like ions since I put fingers to keys and really pounded out a decent blog entry. Give me the bad blogger award or whatever, but with the lack of computer time I get on my own computer since H*attie has moved in and started ruling the roost that is why. However, I am on FB, and I do update there almost everyday and right over there on the right hand side is my e-mail address... feel free to add me if you're on FB. Make sure you include a message with your request that you're from Baby Dreams.

Any way, a month ago today in all her laziness H*attie came back to dwell in our home and literally hold our couch down. If you know the history you know my dislike on this event, especially given that the next day was my son's 3rd birthday bash. If you don't know the history, I'll shorten and sweeten bitterly truthfully give it to you. When she was 14yrs old my MIL passed away (FIL passed the year prior). My older SIL was supposed to take custody of her in this event, but seeing as she had just popped out her 3rd child she had changed her mind. H*attie was left a ward of the state. My loving kind-hearted DH decided we should petition the courts at a mild age of 19yrs for custody of her. It was granted. Fast forward to her turning 18yrs old and thinking that just b/c she was now a legal adult in the state of Ohio she could do as and disrespect us as she pleased. I cheated on my DH, b/c we were in a very bad place in our marriage do to her always running interference and infertility. She found out, she told him. (No, I'm not proud.) Shortly after DH's finding out, I found out I was pregnant with *B*. Things were in chaos and rumors were flying but I knew the truth, and that DH was/is *B*'s father. Then H*attie stole from a store while I was maternity clothes shopping. I kept her out of jail, she returned the favor by punching me in the belly and telling me she hoped my baby died as I didn't deserve a baby by her brother any how. That night she was out of our home, never supposed to return... guess I was mistaken, huh?

Short story on that was, she left J*ordan and *H* to be with another man. Mind you she left *H* alone in the house in a playpen at 15mths old with a note stating: "Being a mother is too much. I have no freedom. I want my life back." (Whole other rant and post... stupid ignorant bitch.) New guy's name was M*att. While with him, she couldn't stop her cheating ways, and he found out. I invited her to *B*'s party, and he decided to bring her here with all her belongings, chaos, and drama.... and drop her off.

Now that she's here she has supervised court ordered visits with *H* with DH, older SIL, or me. She's supposed to be getting a job. (Still haven't seen the likes of that, and even though she has no high school diploma or GED... fast food is below her, or so she thinks. ARGH!) We've been feeding her without any assistance, not that we need it... but we were living comfortably and able to go out and do things, now we're not. She smokes, so does DH (I would like for him to quit but I choose my battles wisely) and he used to go through a carton every 2wks, now it's every 5 days which we can't afford!! The whore is out all night until the wee hours of the morning, and in a month has been with 7 different guys. She's even been talking about getting pregnant again, which I'm afraid if she does I may kill her. Plus, the lazy bitch wants to sleep all day even when I yell and argue with her to get up. She doesn't help do any household chores around here, and she's so lazy I've had to tell her twice she stunk and to take a bath. It's ridiculous. All DH and I have done since she's been here is fight. She's been talking shit about me, and the cheating incident that happened 4yrs ago. She's even told DH to paternity test *B*, and she would pay for it. I've came thisclose to thumping her so many times since she's been here I can't count them on both hands. On top of all this she calls J*ordan not daily like she should to check on *H* occasionally when she's craving drama, and starts arguments with him on the phone.

The sad part of all this is, DH and I weren't in the best of places when she came here. Her coming to live with us was unexpected. DH and I haven't been right since my m/c in April, and her being here has only drove a wedge deeper into our already frail relationship. Even worse part is.... she knows this. She does things purposely to make me or *B* cry and when I go to DH about it, b/c still to this day have to walk on egg shells around her; he shrugs it off like it's no big deal it's just what she does ignore it. When she was a child I was raising it was so much easier... now she's a parent herself (or at least she's supposed to be) I can't ignore her ignorance, b/c it's not bliss. But, I can honestly see us in divorce court if things keep on the way that they are, and b/c my DH has this huge kind loving heart of gold... he's not putting her out regardless of what she does wrong. I'll have to do it and risk the backlash that comes with it when him and I fight b/c she'll be homeless due to burning every tie and bind she's ever had.

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Any way, in other un-H*attie involved news... *B*'s not going to preschool after all this year. I wanted him to go, and way back in the spring DH wanted him to, too. But, as DH has let buddies of his work out of our garage that have foul mouths, and DH has one around them too... you guessed it. *B* has a potty mouth as well. Since we have to pay for pre-school in our area, I refuse to let him go, and pay for it when he uses curse words in perfect sentence form and laughs about it. He'll for sure get kicked out of pre-school in the first week or day. I don't want that for him. So, I've decided since he's only 3, that I'll teach him the basics that he doesn't know already this year so he'll have an advantage next year.... and work on not using profanity. Oh and I need discipline tips on this, to btw??? I threaten with soap, but would never do that. I've been taking toys away and doing time out, but it's to no avail. Far from what I got back in the day (smacks to the mouth, hot sauce, and dish soap) I have not a clue what to do. Advice?

In other news, I think I'm finally at peace with my m/c. I'm ready to start TTC again, but my body is not. I've gained almost 20lbs since my m/c, and I need to shed that and then some. Right now I lack energy as my thyroid levels are out of whack again, and my family Dr. is adjusting them. Also, with the live-in we can't afford treatments and meds, let alone a baby. It breaks my heart that she is coming first yet again to our TTC wants and needs. I wish I already had meds from before so that I didn't have to buy them. I know that any RE is going to look at Foll*istim or Gon*alF as a full course line of treatment, and that is out of our price range. I wish that Ohio state law mandated something more than just HMO's offering infertility coverage to employees and PPO's doing diagnostic testing. I mean that is a blessing, but I'm so beyond that. For me and everyone like me in this state once we've found the results out of our testing and know what is causing our infertility dilemmas, we don't have insurance coverage to help us from there. We better hope we have a chicken laying golden eggs or a money tree in our back yards, if we're just middle class citizens like myself.... b/c our savings is shot from previous treatments and our 401Ks are already being repaid to us not to have a loan taken from again from being tapped out for the same reason. Why do treatments have to cost so much? *sigh*

Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get in for a D&C or another lap. I've had one AF since the bleeding from my m/c. I have horrible cramps all the time, but nothing changes on OPKs. All BFNs in sight. When DH and I have sex it hurts. It's never hurt before. There are times that I have to make him stop, and I end up in tears. I've been putting it off for weeks now, but I need to make the call. I'm just scared of what the OB/GYN will find/do. I just know I can't keep going like this.... it's killing our sex life and adding to that wedge.

If you've made it this far, thank you! I had alot I needed to get off my chest and update you on. Hopefully I'll get more computer time, but I guess we'll see. Wish I could password it, but that would just be a fight with DH that I don't want. *sigh* Wish me luck.... I'm hoping my head doesn't spin off into oblivion.

Wordless Wednesday- Can You Say Stressed Out???

So can I!! This is exactly how I feel. Long story VERY short for right now... H*attie is back living with us, and the vacation we were supposed to be on is more like me needing to go to the psychward to get away from the chaos for vacation, b/c we're not on vacation at all now. I'll post an update on everything later.

I Call Him...

As many of you have read in the the last entry about how I only have two local OB/GYNs to choose from this entry will be about the one that I have never seen. Please be adviced this is very near and dear to my heart and you may need tissues, or anger management after reading.

The OB/GYN that I used to go to has basically snubbed me. He sent me off to an RE before my son that I loved. I went through a chemical pregnancy with my first injectible cycle with that RE, and I had to wait for 3mths for my levels to come back down and AF to get back to normal. A week before that 3mths was to be up, I found out that I was pregnant with our son naturally. When I called the RE to be seen she told me that she could bring me in for an u/s to make sure everything was alright or release directly to my OB/GYN since I didn't get pregnant on any type of meds. Stupid me went directly to the OB/GYN, since I got pregnant naturally. While I was pregnant my RE left the practice, and my insurance changed meaning I would need another referral if I ever needed to go there again. Which brings me to present day when I did treatments at my OB/GYNs office with him and the other Dr that was in there that could/would prescribe injectibles to me. I did what was supposedly a soft stim low resistance cycle this past summer that paired oral and injectible meds and I experienced signs of OHSS, and the nurses that I always had to speak to told me it was in my head and there was no way I could be experiencing said symptoms. I finally demanded to see the Dr. and when I did he treated me like it was my fault that neither Dr. ever found out what was going on with me even though I called many times daily for 9days straight in severe pain. I ended up blowing up on him, his nurses, and even some sweet random woman in the waiting room that asked me if I was alright. Now, they won't release my patient files to me or give me a referral for my insurance, let alone see me.

On to the other OB/GYN in town the one I've never seen. There was a time that I wanted to see him. He sounded like my kind of Dr. I was just blind by the other OB/GYN so much that I never made an appt. My best friend raved about how excellent of a Dr. this one is. He has a private practice and the kind of bedside manner that you only see good doctors in movies exhibit. He cares about his patients, and has their best interest at heart. I never went to this Dr. I made an appt. once, b/c I was going to switch to him to be my OB when I was pregnant with *B* early on. I cancelled the appt. (b/c it was after what you're about to read happened). B/c now, that best-friend that I talked about she's dead. And I call this doctor..... Dr. Best-Friend Killer. You can read THIS entry from my first online journal that I wrote about what happened to my friend. I don't think I could ever see this Dr. If I by chance went into his office just to get my referral, that is the only thing I would have in my head the whole time. I'm usually good at holding my tongue, but in this instance I don't think that I could. She was my best-friend, like a sister to me, supposed to be my child/ren's Godmother; and he ended all that with one surgery. I know surgeries have risks, but seriously to this extent? I still have hatred and anger in me towards this man. I should say that after an autopsy was performed on her it was found that she was over sedated by anesthesia causing her to go blind (if she would of lived), her bowels had been perforated many times and leaked into her abdominal cavitity (she still could of lived from this, just would had to of wore a colostomy bag for the rest of her life, b/c by the time it was caught her bowels had died), and he had cut away a quarter of her uterus and not repaired it and knicked her ovaries several times which caused severe internal hemorrhaging (which caused her to bleed to death). This was supposed to be a simple endo and cyst removal as well as ablation surgery and LEEP for precancerous cell removal so that she could have another baby..... and now she's gone.

I know you're going to ask why he's still practicing? This is b/c not until 24hrs had passed after Sandra had left the hospital after this out-patient procedure was done did she start noticing something was more was wrong. She returned back to the hospital, where she was sent home by the ER Dr. being told these were all normal although severe symptoms from her surgery and sent her home. 8hrs more went by, and she lost her sight and called an ambulance. After an hour at the ER again she slipped into a coma and was transferred to a bigger hospital via life-flight. When her family contacted an attorney about what had happened and it went to trial it was ruled that if she would of sought medical treatment before that first 24hrs had passed, they would of been awarded money and he would of lost his medical license.

Overcome With Frustration & The Past

Here it is 2am and I'm wide awake b/c my mind is moving a million miles a minute. (Trying saying that 10 times fast... LOL.) Any way, I keep thinking about something that my Dad's girlfriend R told me tonight while she was over here doing laundry, and it really bothers me for a whole mess of reasons. The other night I went over to my Dad's (he lives next door, btw) with *B*. Dad, R, and Dad's room-mate were all there. It's no secret that my Dad is an alcoholic (hold on, that would imply he goes to AA or something which he doesn't, so maybe a drunk is more fitting.... but you get the point) and him and the room-mate were tossing a few back. Well *B* being the pap-paw's boy that he is when it was time to leave wanted to stay. I hesitated and debated with *B* on it, and then R said it was alright she would bring him over after they were done with dinner, b/c *B* wanted to eat tacos (that's my love of Taco Bell coming out in him while he was in the womb... LOL). I agreed and came home. I hadn't been here but 20min, and R walks in with *B* stating that he wanted to come home. Fast forward to tonight...

I didn't pick up on it immediately, and I now wish I had. When *B* came in he looked as if he had been crying although I just took it as him being tired, b/c he had went without a nap that day and within 30min of being home was asleep. Now though after R telling me what happened I know he had cried hard and came home to be comforted by Mommy to fall asleep. R said that after I left *B* got to rough house playing around while she was waiting on the food to be finished, and *B* bit her. She said it wasn't hard and a playful type nip, but his teeth and her body were still involved. My Dad smacked him in the mouth for this. After *B* started crying he then went to her to be comforted, and once he was calm wanted to play again but not rough. To which my Dad continued on his case about biting and it being bad and kept tapping him in the mouth. R said after two or three times of doing that *B* started crying again, and she got his coat on him, made him a plate of taco salad, and brought him home.

I'm so frustrated and upset by this and it brings up so many feelings for me. My Dad was (maybe still is, I'm not sure) an abusive drunk. As I grew up there are plenty of memories that I can recall of him beating my Mom, R, another girlfriend he had, and even me. He's been to prison (I'm not talking county jail here either, I'm talking a high security place) three times for domestic violence. He got his visitation rights taken from him of me and my sister at ages 13 and 10. My little brother's visitation at age 8. He can't stop being a drunk, and now I'm wondering if he can't stop the violence either. I had thought he was past that, but maybe I thought wrong. Him correcting *B* for biting is one thing. My child is 2yrs old. He knows right from wrong... doesn't always display it on a consistent basis, but knows. However, he most certainly knows once he's scolded for something to not do it again... at least not right away. So, for my Dad to smack him in the mouth is one thing... I've done it for him biting no lie (not the best form of punishment and apparently isn't working), but for it to be done while he was three sheets to the wind... should of NEVER happened. And, furthermore to continue doing it to him once he's been corrected and understands brings up painful memories of my Dad smacking me in the mouth and knocking out one of my teeth, and COMPLETELY crosses the line for me.

My only problem now is how do you approach your own parent about this when he's NEVER sober; doesn't ever remember beating on you as a child even though you have healed broken bones, police reports, and court documents to prove it and you're still a tad scared of him at times; and he loves his grandson more than words can express? B/c THAT is what is keeping me awake right now.

Irritable...

There are plenty of times when Mommy stress just gets to me. I just focus on the good plan a night of unwinding and letting my hair down and carry on with the chaos. This past week has been one of those chaotic stress filled weeks that left me with a headache and extremely high blood pressure. The combination of AF arriving today and all four of *B*'s 2yr molars coming in at once probably aren't a good mixture either. However my little Monster has been pressing my buttons, and he knows just how to do so, and get away with it. This week though I've enforced corporal law into our home as I just couldn't handle the madness and terrible 2's anymore. I couldn't tolerate his first clogging up the bath tub with pieces of a sponge he ripped apart, then the toilet with a whole roll of toilet paper, and later the sink with a tooth brush and sock. (And no he will not be using the potty by himself anymore, and we've removed the old locking door knob we didn't have the key for with one that we do have the key for now.) His bad streak carried on with coloring on the wood frame of his bed, the kitchen table, and his desk and chair set with crayons. I can't forget where he stood in the middle of the family room and told me "Mommy I don't have to you're not my boss!" when I told him to help pick up the clutter of toys spread from his room to there. Then there is spilling a gallon of water on the kitchen floor while I took out the trash, spilling a can of pop that down the front of the counter that DH left when he went to work while *B* was supposed to be using the potty, and his throwing a yogurt on the floor and the seal busting to a nice strawberry mess b/c he didn't get his way to mention. And THOSE are just the chart toppers.

He's definitely mastered the art of the terrible 2's, but Mommy is finally one-upping him. When standing on the wall time outs no longer worked, we switched to room time outs where he would just play, and we found that didn't work either. So, (and not that I'm bragging about doing this b/c I feel horrible and it really isn't the answer) we started smacking his butt. At first he cried, but this past month he would just standing there and say "Me no cry no more." all pitifully and then slyly grin, and Lords knows I wanted to lash into him harder but I restrained. So, instead I started taking away his toys and pretending to throw them in the trash and put them outside for the trashman to take away. Break my heart and his..... this boy cries..... big crocodile tears..... and asks for the the trashman to bring said toy/s back for hours/days. We even took away this toy that is his most prized possession that he got for Christmas,

and didn't give it back for three. whole. days. I know we're mean parents, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere and this was it. Any how, he's doing better at listening now and helping out, although he's still helping out too much. He's trying to be too independent and doing/getting things on his own that he shouldn't be (such as juice from the fridge for his cup). But we are making progress. The only bad thing about this whole week is I didn't get to unwind from this week, b/c as it turns out I have some crappy friends who didn't care to want to include me in their activities and instead just hurt my feelings adding insult to the already shitty week I'd had with the high blood pressure and Monster drama. Oh well though, life goes on and things are looking up and I'll have another crappy event and I'll know that I can get through it without the need to let my hair down. Now if only we can move on from his "new" thing.... walking around holding his mouth saying "Me head ache." If only he knew... LOL!

Dr. Appt For The "Weird" and Scared To Death

I got a phone call from my Dr. yesterday after getting my routine thyroid levels checked, and on the current dose I'm on my TSH level is no where near the normal range or high like I had originally thought (since I have hypothyroidism) it was zero. He said this was indicative of possible thyroid failure or it turning around to be hyperthyroidism now. So, then I went on to tell him that out of the blue on Monday my boobs started leaking, and it's been a little over 2yrs since I've had anything like this happen. I'm not talking a tiny bit or anything like that. I'm talking my shirt front wet like let down leaking, and it happened 3 times that day. Plus, I had had a couple of knots in each breast and tenderness. I asked him if this could be related. He told me that he wasn't to for sure but it was possible and he wanted to look up somethings and scheduled me for an appt. for this morning at 10:30am for more testing.

So, I went to the Dr and I'm back from, and I feel as if I have been punched in the gut. He did a breast exam on me after I explained to him everything that had been going on. He found two lumps that were hard and non-moveable in my left breast (the one that has been leaking), and I have swollen lymph nodes under my arms pits, in the fatty tissue hanging from my arms at my muscle, and on my neck. He started mentioning pituitary gland tumors, but made most talk of breast cancer and family history of it which I have. I asked specifically about a breast infection and a molar pregnancy after researching symptoms I have and coming up with these diagnoses and he said he wasn't ruling those out, but that wasn't what he was concentrating on as a big picture at this point as everything doesn't fit now that he's found other things (the swollen lymph nodes). He ordered a whole battery of bloodwork and a mammogram for me. I got my bloodwork done at the lab at the hospital already, and I'm just waiting for the scheduling manager from the hospital to call me back with an appt. time for the mammogram. I'm really scared. I'm always on DH's case to quit doing this or not to do that b/c his parents both died from cancer and now my Dr. is throwing that as a diagnosis at me. I can't believe this is happening, it feels like a nightmare and I can't wake up from it.

Let The Stress Begin

Today is the first day of the next few days that will cause mass hysteria in the land of Baby Dreams, and as luck would have it.... I can't sleep. UGH! I have about a bazillion things running through my mind that I need to get done or just can't let go of, and I've been on a major cleaning spree. Usually I look forward to Thanksgiving, but this year not so much. DH decided to invite H*attie to dinner even though I'm still wanting to strangle her, b/c she got into it with J*ordan's mom and now his family has decided not to go to their house for the holiday and coincidentally now she has nowhere to go. Wonder why... seems like she's burning many bridges these days. So, now she's coming here. Double UGH! I'm so peeved at him for doing this, b/c I didn't want to make a huge dinner as I always get "stuck" buying and doing everything, and this year looks to be no different now. Not to mention that I haven't bought anything for the actual dinner yet except the turkey (in my defensive I do already have stuff for mashed potatoes and homemade noodles), and now I have to go muster threw the crowds later today to get the rest of it since we were straped for money b/c unexpectantly our axle on our vehicle snapped (another rant entirely), and DH doesn't get paid till later today.

But, any way amongst all that I have to sometime pay some bills that I don't do online, get *B*'s haircut, boil chicken for my homemade noodles and roll out the noodles, bake a couple pies and some other dessert for my grandma's, and throw together a cucumber salad all tomorrow. That listed doesn't include the grocery shopping and the numerous toy picking up I'll have to do and the last minute tidy up of things either, and then putting the turkey in late late late (actually early tomorrow morning) tonight. I swear if I make it through this holiday without flipping out on somebody going on about this family member's pregnancy or that one's or smacking another family member b/c they ticked me off to the point of no return it will be a miracle. I hope DH is up to dealing with Mrs. Bitch, b/c my hormones are a raging and I'm waging an all out war otherwise. But all in all I really REALLY am THANKFUL for this Thanksgiving... REALLY! :)

On The Verge Of More Than An Emotional Breakdown

Dear God,

Tonight is not my night. I know that you only give us what we can handle, but I'm here to tell you that I'm drawing the line. I CAN NOT handle the cards that you've dealt me tonight, and you continue to keep dealing me for weeks now. You helped me to find my place in the world and parent H*attie, so now I'm asking you to help her find her place in the world and do the right thing. The family's cut in the deepest, and this one is to the bone and through the heart. You know I've been hurting with all the recent family members and close friends in my life that are pregnant. While each breaking news is painful to me with your good graces I'm still hanging on. I've went through this before and the depression was unbearable at times but I survived. I have the miracle of my son now that you blessed me with and I can't do that again. I'm telling you everything that you're throwing at me I CAN'T handle, at least not this time. I maybe strong, but I'm not that strong not any more and I CAN'T and DON'T want to fall apart in front of my child. So, please I'm begging and pleading with you even when I have so much trouble believing in you at times, but know that you're there and a constant in my life to let me be pregnant and have a baby girl before her. I WILL NOT be able to handle it if she steals the name that we've had for a little girl since we began trying 8yrs ago that's never changed. This is unbearable to me, b/c it's sacred and it means nothing to her while it combines both my mother and MIL's name for a first name and my sister's and my middle names for a middle name. You know we're not trying with treatments but we're not objectionable to a miracle either, so please hear my cries tonight and for once answer them. I'm tired of losing faith in you I want to believe, it's just so hard when you repetitively don't come through for me. So, please bless us, please take away my sadness, and please just be there for me in this time of need.

Amen.
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I got some news tonight that the child that I once raised maybe pregnant by another man other than the one she's been with for a couple of years now. She's been being reckless and careless lately, but after talking to J*ordan on the phone I realized that she has not a caring fiber in her body. There are so many pregnant people coming at me at one time that it's unreal, and I can't handle it. I'm a bawling mess, and my child is even saying "No cries, Mommy, no cries." (Melt my heart.) Having *B* does help ease the pain but I still have a gaping hole there for what I long for, and having a best friend, my sister, and a SIL all pregnant, and now possibly H*attie who'll find out tomorrow with an HPT that J*ordan bought her tonight before work....... I CAN'T HANDLE IT!! I'm not as strong as I once was and I'm falling apart and sinking into a deep depression. I find myself screaming and pleading with God as I did above, and even bargaining with Him if He'll just let me be pregnant. I'm having a breakdown and my wonderful DH who just held me last week while I felt like my world was falling apart with the news of my sister being pregnant is working tonight. So, now my only option is my 2yr old who is now awake from my bawling and gagging at 2am to cuddle with and hope that the world is a better place in the morning. Dear Lord..... please let it be.

Moms Aren't Allowed To Get Sick

Unfortunately *B* and me are both sick. *B* started in with his last Tues., and I started with mine this past Thurs. Any way, I was so scared it was the stupid H1N1, thank goodness it's not. I hate this illness, and even more so b/c *B* and I are both allergic to the regular flu vaccine and have been advised not to get the H1N1 vaccine b/c it's a live virus with an even potentially higher medical risk of an allergic reaction. I feel like we're sitting ducks to this flu or any flu for that matter. (Let me step off my irrational soap box.) Any way, we both have upper respiratory infections. I'm feeling somewhat better today and I think *B* is too since we started antibiotics, but he's still whinny and Mommy is nerve-racked. Thankfully as I type this he's napping (something I feel like I could do too, but I need time to do other things without him being a cling-on like shower or put my house in order for instance, and well blog...lol). Any way, while we've been sick and DH has been taking care of us my house has went to hell in a hand basket. I came out of my fog this morning to realize my double sink was over flowing with dishes onto the counter, laundry is stacked up in the hamper, on the hamper and around the hamper (how does this happen in 4 days???), the trash is over flowing, there are toys scattered about everywhere, as well as pillows and blankets, and my microwave now blows green sparks and pops at you. NIIICCCEEE!!!!! I'm telling you the woman that makes the household run smoothly CAN. NOT. GET. SICK!!! It's just not allowed b/c when it happens everything falls apart.

So, even though I'm only feeling about 70% of the normal I've been on a re-establishing my house mission today. Hey, and I'm one-upping myself by actually making something for dinner that doesn't come out of a can or box or take-out as DH and *B* somewhat have been eating for 4days. LOL! And sometime (not today b/c I'm not about spreading my illness to others) I have to make a trip to Wally World aka W*al-M*art to get some groceries and a new microwave. What fun..... *sigh*.

But on a positive note to all this, while I was sick I won my blogging buddy Jill's Christmas Giveaway that I made mention of in my last post. I'm excited to start blarring in the Christmas music to get me in the holiday mood.

Hung Out To Dry

That is exactly how I feel these days. Try as I might to be ok with this past cycle I just can't move forward. I don't understand how I could have 3 glorious follicles on ultrasound, give myself a trigger shot and still not ovulate one of them. I feel clueless to infertility all over again like when I was first diagnosed, and just beginning my research on my diagnosis. This was a curve ball thrown my way and it's hard to wrap my head around it let alone think about it. I went to see my Dr. so I could speak with him about the goings-on in his office, how I felt as though I slipped through the cracks and about as to why I didn't ovulate even after using the HcG injection. His answers were summed up in placing blame on my PCOS. He said that even though there are adequate sized follicles present does not mean with the HcG boost they will release with PCOS. That a woman with PCO producing an extra hormone that develops a resistance in this task, which has became the case for me this go-round. I hate my dysfunctional ovaries. I hate my body. I'm crampy, emotional, and irritable but AF still hasn't visited. Not that I would welcome her presence none-the-less. It makes me cling to hope that maybe the lab work for my progesterone level was wrong. I mean for the past 4months I've been having AF on my own, no inducing of her necessary. I guess this false sense of hope makes me a stupid infertile woman. Lord knows, heck I know, this is a hopeless cycle. It's a bust. Why can't my head and my heart be on the same page about that?

Next course of treatment doesn't hold any hope to me either as there are not many changes from this time. He's increased my dosage of Met*formin from 2- 850mg tablets a day to 2- 1000mg tablets a day hoping it brings down the reaction in my ovaries and body. I'm not doing any type of treatment for the coming month other than that. Then once late October early November's AF arrives I'm getting a baseline u/s done on CD3, Cl*omid 150mg CD3-7, Menopur 225iu everyday starting on CD5, E2 levels every other day starting on CD7, u/s everyday starting on CD9 (this part is different from last time), triggering this time when a dominant follicle reaches 22-24mm instead of 18-20mm. And we've even though there are no sperm issues we've been what I feel like is only to be put as "bullied" into an IUI.

So, now you can tell where my title came from.... that is pretty much what this office is doing to me. Hanging me out to dry, b/c they didn't get me pregnant before and had to refer me off where all I heard there was my only options were IVF, so they don't really care one way or the other if they get me pregnant with #2, b/c they can just do the same thing again. Here's the kicker to there bullshit fertility lines and treatments I conceived *B* naturally after trying for almost 6yrs. 3yrs of those with treatments and a hyper-stimulated cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage. Something clicked in my body back then after that, now if only this stupid Dr. would listen to me about all the meds I was on then, maybe we could get there again naturally without all the need of modern medicine. If only.

Things Won't Change

Those are the words that over one month ago my sister said to me when her husband was returning home from I*raq. While I know it had been 15mths since he'd been home minus the birth of my niece in late June, I thought maybe this time would be different. So, I believed her. We used to talk daily on the phone if not more than once a day, and always talk at night after we got our kids in bed before we went there ourselves. I knew that the nightly conversations would cease to exist, but all phone calls???? Come on!!! Both times her DH has been deployed I've been there to lend an ear, played the big sister role. I'm always supportive and take that extra step to ensure that if she's having a rough time I cheer her up. So, now I'm going through another one of what I will call one of the roughest times in my life (only have had a handful) with the whole H*attie/H*unter/court/CPS issues and where is she? Being the unsupportive non-existant sister. Well, I know she's in G*eorgia visiting in-laws, but she has her cell phone. I've called repeatedly leaving messages, b/c I want need to talk to her. Do you think she can call me back either? Of course not. She's been in G*eorgia for 2wks this Saturday, I've called every other day leaving a message and am yet to receive a phone call back.

"Oh, But Thing's Won't Change!!"

Whatever.

My First Mother's Day

Well it was a shitty one to say the least. *B* woke up at 6am and I was the one that ended up having to get up with him (of course DH couldn't let me sleep in). Finally at 9am *B* needed a nap and DH was getting up, so I traded him and he went on baby duty and I went back to bed. I got to sleep till 11am, but was startled awake by hearing my baby screaming bloody murder. Here he had taking off trying to walk and busted his head on the corner of the end table and had a HUGE knot. So, after I was up I proceeded to get ready that way if DH had something planned I would be ready to go at the spur of a moment. Well, while I was getting ready him and *B* fell asleep again. *B* woke up an hour later, but DH ended up sleeping till 4pm (ARGH!!). So, at this point I hadn't been told Happy Mother's Day, no card, no presents, NOTHING, and I was getting upset. So, I woke him and asked if he was going to sleep the entire day away. He finally mustered up enough energy to get off the couch and wanted to take me to a dinner buffet (which was a nice idea, but not a nice restaurant like I thought he would of wanted to take me to).

So, we left and about 15min down the road *B* starts having a horrible fit. (He's teething and has had 4 more teeth break through within the week.) DH packed the diaper bag and forgot all of the basic necessities (ie: Baby Orajel, sippy cup, Motrin, teething tablets, even toys to entertain him with). So, we had to turn around and go back for it. Well, half way back *B* was so worked up he vomitted all over himself, his carseat, and the back of the vehicle seat. We had to pull over so he could be calmed down. So, I have to get out in the pouring rain and remove him from his seat, take paper towels and baby wipes and try to wipe him and his seat off as best as possible. While DH just sits in the driver seat doing nothing (bigger ARGH!!). I get irrate at this point and hand him *B*, and *B* bumps the back of his head on DH's chin and screams harder, and I get called a retard. I finish cleaning everything, and we proceed down the road....I was driving this time and DH was sitting in the back entertaining *B*.

So, we get home and I'm an emotional wreck at this point from being treated so badly by DH and from *B* screaming so much. Plus, I'm soaking wet head to toe and I cried on the rest of the way home. I immediately got out of the vehicle and went straight inside, not bothering to help him with *B*. I go straight to our bedroom strip down and get in my pj's and climb in bed to finish bawling. He comes in and wants to know what I'm doing and I said "What does it look like I'm doing?" and to this I'm called a "B*tch". So then he cleans and changes *B*, and cleans up the vehicle the rest of the way. Then he comes back and asks what I'm doing and if I still want to go to the steak buffet place. I told him "No, and that I wanted to be left alone." So, he goes out to the living room and sits with my good friend's daughter who spent the nite the nite before and *B*. I come out finally and sit. He asks me again if I want to go, and I tell him "No" again b/c my face is splotchy at this point and eyelids swollen. To this he tells me to "Stop being an immature c*nt". I get up and run to our bedroom, slam the door and cry. I was so upset.

Some point after this he left to take my friend's daughter home. While he was gone him and *B* went and got me a card and some flowers and picked up Chinese food for dinner. I ended up crying myself to sleep and waking up at midnight to find my gifts and cold food, but by then Mother's Day was over and the first one had been ruined. Such nice gestures by him to commemorate the day (hence the sarcasm). But I should of known...almost every important day that pertains to me since I've been with him I've cried and they have been similar to this day, it shouldn't of been such a huge surprise. I just thought since this one was my first maybe just maybe with him having a clean slate it would be different. Guess that's what I get for thinking...right???

Full Time Parent vs. Part Time Parent

DH and I have been fighting on and off since Saturday. I'm aggrevated by his parenting skills or lack there of. He's loves *B* and absolutely adores him as well, but good grief could he spend more than just 10 minutes of quality time with him? *B* is in that clingy stage, which I understand, but I have things that I need and want to do too, and a little help would be nice. I know I shouldn't be complaining, b/c I'm very fortunate to be married and *B* to have a dad who is in his life and wants to be there for him. The situation just irritates me I guess. Like take the last 24 hours for instance here is how it played out:

*B* didn't get to bed until 10ish Tuesday night. Then a horrible thunderstorm came through (in January...only in Ohio) followed by high winds. Well we live in a single wide trailer without a basement. So, each gust as it got stronger and stronger started shaking the trailer literally. To which *B* woke up to a few times. Not mention the huge 100yr old tree in our back yard, that has limbs that goes over the trailer kept having branches fall out of it and on the roof, to which my dogs barked at and woke up *B*. So, I was up almost every hour or so on the hour. Then finally the winds died down around 5:30am, and *B* and I were both able to sleep. Only his wake up call was at 8:30am. So, I get up with him completely exhausted. DH heats me up a bottle and goes to bed ( works midnights so he wasn't home all night). So, I come to the living room and feed *B*, and then I put him in his walker hoping that would wear him out so I could catch a few ZZZZZZ's with him afterwards. Nope.....not until 1pm did he finally go down for a nap. By this time I was exhausted but wide awake. So, I figured I would start working on our taxes. *B* only slept for 30min and was up and raring to go. At 4pm I go to wake up DH, so we could watch the Idol that was recorded the night before. It takes him 15min to get out of bed. Finally he gets in the shower, and was in there for 45min doing probably only what we could imagine. By this time I had dinner almost completely done, I had fed *B* baby food, and changed his diaper. So, I put him in his walker again so he could follow me in the kitchen. He gets stuck in the door way, and starts crying, so I turn knock off the frying pan and ruin dinner while burning myself. At this point I scream down the hallway at DH to quit whacking it and come be a father and frickin' help me. I was furious. 5min later he emerges from the bathroom to find *B* still crying and stuck in the doorway, and me cleaning up the mess....and he laughs. I could of very well of picked up that frying pan and bashed him in the skull with it. So, he's sitting on the couch in his boxer holding *B* griping about being cold. I told him to give him to me and get dressed. He says something sarcastic and I said fine freeze then and walked away to find the phone box to call in for pizza. Just as I'm dialing the number he decides he wants to get dressed and hands me *B* who fusses in the receiver so that the pizza place couldn't hear me. 15-20min later I have to leave to pick up the pizza (they don't deliver to my house only 5 blocks away). He couldn't stay there with *B* for 5min while I did this, so I had to get him in his snow suit in the carseat and lug him to the vehicle. I get the pizza come home and try to juggle the pizza and carry *B* in the house, since he wouldn't come out to help even after I blew the horn 3 times. I get inside to find that the pizza place had screwed up the toppings. I listen to DH gripe as he eats it while I sit and try to calm *B*, b/c he cried the whole time we were gone. At this point it's 20 til 6pm, neither Idol nor House got watched, I'm starving and *B* is falling asleep in my arms for his second nap of the day. Finally after DH takes his time eating he's done and it's my turn, oh but wait it's time for him to pack his bucket which I didn't get done b/c of dealing with *B*, so he can't hold him either. I'm then forced to put him down in the pack and play and hope that he stays asleep so I can eat while it's hot. I get my pizza and no sooner sit down to eat and he wakes up. By now it's 6:10pm or so and DH is running late getting out the door to get to work on time, so I have to put my pizza in the microwave and hold *B*. I was mad, and he was crying already, and he's so sensitive to loud sounds b/c of his head injury, but I couldn't help myself I starting yelling at DH about helping me more and me not having to do it all. And about needing a day off as my job is 24/7 and NEVER ends. I was mad, what can I say. Instead of listening he slams the door and leaves. I cried for an hour. He hasn't called nothing. I continued the rest of my nightly routine with *B*, and at 10pm once *B* was in bed for the night I finally ate.

It's sad, but this type of thing is happening more and more between us. I feel like a single parent or as my title says "A Full Time Parent" while he gets by with just being a part-time dad. I know he's the sole bread winner of the family, but come on now is it too much to ask to spend time with the baby that you helped make? His idea of spending quality time with him is putting him in his walker, or excersaucer, or on the floor with his toys and being in the same room with him. Then he wonders why *B* always wants me. I spend the most time with him, I do everything for him. Sometimes I wonder if it is my infidelity that makes him treat *B* like he does? He knows he's his, he wanted a DNA test done for goodness sakes, and *B* is 99.98% his. Least that is what the paper says, although I don't know if he completely believes it or not. He doesn't talk to me about it and if I try to talk to him about it I get "whore" comments and a fight accures.

I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I know He sees what is going on and that is why AF showed up tonite, and this past cycle was a bust. He doesn't think we are ready for another child just yet. Maybe that is why the Dr. pretty much called me fat at my appt. Friday. It is His plan. Who knows, I question Him and find great difficulty in believing in Him. Espcially with all the crap I have been through in my life. It is more than any one person should ever have to endure, that is defintely for sure. Not that I'm looking for a pity party, but I would just once like my plan to be a little more defined and ALOT less hard on me. So, tomorrow is DH's day off....well until Monday he's off......guess we'll see how many more fights happen with my hormones going bizirk from AF, or if he steps up to the plate. I know one thing I'm done asking and telling him to be a parent, he better start doing it!!! Pray for me and us.....I need all the strength to not flip out on him that I can get. Thanks and Husg to all!!!

STUPID STUPID Doctor

ARGH!!! So, I went to visit the GYN, and he had the vampires draw 6 vials for the cause of the visit. I had my TSH, Prolactin, FBS, Progesterone, HcG, and something else all tested. As well as peeing in a cup so they could see the same BFN I was seeing. Any way, back in October (I believe it was) my family Dr. took me off my synthroid for my hypothyroidism saying I now had hyperthyroidism b/c your levels are to be between .5 and 5.5 and mine came back .019 well below average. So, around that time AF stopped. No surprise to me though, b/c I don't think he let my hormones post-baby go back to normal. Any way, SURPRISE SURPRISE my thyroid is majorly out of whack now. It was 89.26.....EEEKKKKKK!!!! So, my GYN calls lets me know this is aggitated with my family Dr. and says he'll call him and fax over my test results. To this I get a snotty ass nurse calling me saying that they received a phone call from my GYN and the labs and Fam. Dr. wants to put me back on synthroid my dosage pre-pregnancy, oh and what was it again. Ummm HELLO!!! Am I the ONLY one who sees a problem with this??? Guess not since everything I'm supposed to let slide since my original Fam. Dr. left the practice and this new one has NO FREAKING CLUE!!! Just look at my damned file, isn't that what YOU get paid to do???

I had to tell her. So, I'm back to having hypothroidism, back on the synthroid dosage of 100mcg and back to inducing AF with freaking Provera. Could things get any worse??? Hopefully my body will bounce back respectfully and quickly so TTC#2 can get under way after the first of the year. Wish me luck?!?!

Preparing for Thanksgiving

ARGH!!!

I know that this is a time of family, good food, and togetherness, but I believe that I have lost the holiday spirit with all the preparations that I have been making in order to be ready for the festivities. I am completely overwhelmed with all the dishes that various family members have asked me to bring, and more overwhelming than that is having to divide my time equally between all parts of my family so that they maybe able to spend precious moments with our newest addition to the family (*B* of course). As you probably have guessed everyone has decided to do their dinners on the same day. None at the same time, but I hate to have to go to someone's house scarf down some food, spend a little quality time, and run to the next house only to do it all again. And all this with an unpleasant child in tow.

He's STILL teething, although he's been doing that for weeks now, but I suspect his first tooth to break through any time as his gums have two little mounds that are swollen and white, and his drool has increased, as well as his cold symptoms (mainly the snotty nose) has returned, and his clingy crying has increased too. My only issue with his issues is that he wants Mama and ONLY Mama, so I'm getting NOTHING accomplished. (Speaking of, I'm sure I should be doing something other than typing this negative entry, but as soon as I jump into one of my many tasks he'll awake from his nap, and I won't get the task finished and that'll piss me off.)

Also, I'm beginning to wonder if his shots this past Friday has anything to do with the return of his cold??? He was just fine before then and then on Sunday that all changed. Against my better judgement I allowed the Dr. to give him his second dose of the rotovirus vaccine. Not sure if you've heard any of the research details on this, but it can case bowel obstructions and gastro problems. My little man already has a sensetive stomach, and I noticed his reflux occured shortly after the first dose of it, and now he's received the second dose and he's back to puking hardcore again and just not feeling well. (Repeat of his side effects after the first dose, which whithered out a bit a month after the first dose, but still.) So, I called the ped. to see what she thought on the issue, and she said if it was the vaccine that he should of shown much stronger side effects to the medicine before now, but to watch him closely through the holiday weekend, and worse case scenario go to the ER if need be, but otherwise she would call me Monday morning to see how he's doing. Drs. I swear we butt heads all the time any more. Hopefully I'm just jumping to conclusions and it's nothing, but a mother can't help but wonder and worry.

So, I feel as if I no longer am staying a float in preparing for Thanksgiving, but I know some how in the end I'll manage. I just pray that DH step ups and helps out and that little man cooperates with the plan. Wish me luck.

Can You Say "Stressed?"

Uh...yes...I can.

I hate to say this, but I now know why mother's go mad and kill their children. Not that I would ever dream of killing *B*, but I've had about all the whiny baby crying I can take for 24hours. Today started at 6am, which wouldn't of been too bad, except for my neices spent the night last night and they decided bedtime wasn't until 2:30am. *B* woke up at that time his normal cheery self. I went and heated his bottle like I always do, and then changed and fed him. All was well and he was beginning to doze in my arms, so I took him back to his room (where he slept for the FIRST time WITHOUT screaming every hour on the hour) and put him back to bed. Well, that time in his bed lasted all of 20min, b/c then I heard him cough, which isn't unusual since he's still getting over his cold, after that though came his baby babbles and I knew he was up for awhile. So, I let him lay in his bed for a few minutes longer until he started fussing. I then went to rescue him from the big new crib only to find that he had thrown up an EXTREME amount and had rolled through it, and was happily playing in. GAH-ROSSSSSSSSS!!! I've cleaned up a tremendous amount of nasty things that has came out of this child, but nothing could of topped this morning's findings. So, at about this time while I'm cleaning up *B* and bathing him my neices decide it's wake up time, and come asking me for cereal for breakfast. I had to yell for DH (who had just went to bed only an hour before this), whom I was supposed to be letting sleep, b/c he had to work tonite (which he never does) so that he may have 5 days off to spend with his family for the holiday, for help.

He then mumbles something and crawls out of bed to get the girls their breakfast, after doing so he graciously pours himself back into bed. So, my day was starting. By noon I was exhausted with no relief or a nap insight, so I called my SIL and told her that she was going to have to come get her girls, so I could put cranky pants down for a nap and catch some ZZZZZZ's myself. I think he was afraid he was going to miss something while the girls were running and jumping around, squealing and having fun. At 1pm she FINALLY arrived and not a moment to soon. I fed *B* a bottle and we snuggled together on the couch and both fell asleep. He woke me up at 3pm with a dirty butt, and ate a couple more ounces of a bottle, and then was out until 6pm when DH woke us up. From there it was all down hill. I had a load of *B*'s laundry that needed done, dinner to make, my own shower to get to rejuvenate myself, a cake to make for DH's work luncheon tomorrow, *B*'s bed to make, and the charger cord to his baby monitor to find. ARGH!!! So, I ordered pizza (a quick fix), had DH throw in a load of laundry while I hopped in the shower. The pizza arrived just as I was finished there, so we ate and I washed the dishes really quickly. At about this time *B* started being his often times unpleasant self, and he ONLY wanted Mama. So, I held him and fed him, but he still wasn't comforted afterwards. Finally I told DH, that he had to take *B* so I could get started on the cake for his luncheon since I wasn't going to have time to make it tomorrow. He agreed, but *B*'s unhappiness prevailed, and put me behind.

I made the cake while DH did everything in his power to try to make *B* happy. I knew I was in for a long night. At about this time DH had to start getting ready for work, and I still had a few things left to do and an unhappy baby on my hands. So, I tried relentlessly to rock *B* to sleep which was working until my dogs heard my neighbors who are on my nerves outside making a commotion and started barking at them. Of course I'm sure you knew what this means....I SCREAMING baby who is no longer falling asleep, and a DH who is about to walk out the door for work at any moment. I get the Drama King settled, as DH leaves and I go to make his bed, and hunt for the adapter for the montior. I get about halfway finished with the bed and need to move it out from the wall and go around it to finish,when I knock the shelf on the wall down on my head, yell "Shit!", startle *B*, and listen to him cry while I finish in pain. I come back out to the living room to hold him and put him to sleep once again, but this time he was having none of it. He was so worked up he had puked all over himself AGAIN!!! Back to the bath tub for him. I got him all cleaned and comforted some what and I put him in his bed. I had to let my poor restless little man CIO, b/c I had lost my patience and couldn't take any more screaming baby.

I STILL haven't found the adapter to the baby monitor after 2 hours of searching, and I knew exactly where it WAS too. Needless to say DH has been on a weekend clean sweep thing (preparing for family visits for Thanksgiving), and nothing is where I've left it, and he's not here to tell me where it is. The worst part about that is HE probably doesn't even know where it is, b/c he puts things "up" most times never to be seen again....ARGH!!!

To all this add in 2 annoying dogs, who won't leave one traumatized cat alone, retarded loud-ass neighbors, and a phone that rings off the hook, and you have a Mama who's lost her temper one to many times to count who really needs a drink right now, but can't b/c she's home alone with the baby. To top it off I'm a hormonally bitchy with what I hope is AF on it's way (still haven't seen the likes of her yet). Now with a day like this, I can see why mothers kill their children......Thank God for my level head and Zoloft!!! I can not wait for DH's 5 days off I need a mini break.