Monday, July 18, 2011

Fears, Complications, & Meltdowns

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch of this pregnancy. It's a surreal feeling being 36w2d along. Lately there has been quite a bit of stuff going on. So, I'll start with how I titled this post.

Fears: I keep thinking about if I'll be able to handle being a mother of 2. I'm great as a mother of *B*, but I don't want him to feel left out when the Little Miss arrives. That is one of my biggest fears is if I'll be able to manage my time accordingly when I already know I'll be a single mom throughout the day and babies take up a huge amount of anyone's time. I worry that *B* will feel left out. I worry that even though the Little Miss has flipped and is now currently head down that I'll still end up having to have a c-section. I'm scared that my hormonal pregnancy attitude I've been sporting that has alienated most all people in my life is starting to sneak into my marriage. I know that DH loves me and I love him, but somedays I feel as though our marriage is hanging by a thread b/c I'm so bitchy. I'm scared that I'll have PPD again and I won't be able to function and I'll be left at home with 2 kids sitting on the couch or in the chair bawling and in shambles while my DH works hard to support us. Maybe it's just me, but I'm hoping that these are all normal late pregnancy fears, and that everything will be alright.

Complications: Apparently I am sporting the pregnancy complications of pre-e again. This past Thursday I was admitted into L&D for high BP (190s/90s) and protien in my urine. Once I got there and got all settled with meds my BP started to come down, but I'm still not out of the woods. My 24hr urine protien came back at 185, which was lower than my original baseline urine of 191.2. I have to have twice a week NSTs now and I'm on strict bedrest until this Saturday when I'll be 37wks and my OB says whatever happens happens and he'll let her come into this world if need be. Can I just say how hard it was to be away from DH & *B* for 24hrs. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to do it once the Little Miss actually does arrive in the world. I just hope that I don't keep having high BPs as they make me so sick and so very moody. Guess time will only tell.

Meltdowns: Yep, that should be my middle name these days. Everytime I turn around I'm snapping at this person or that person. I have a strong patience for everyone and everything usually but I just can not handle being pregnant anymore and all the non-caring, stupidity stricken, nagging, and annoying people that surround me. I know I'm almost at the end of this pregnancy and these hormones will go away but in the meantime I'm killing off relationships I have with others one by one. In the moment it feels good b/c then I know I won't have to deal with the preson anymore the rest of this pregnancy, but after thought and it's all said and done I realize I'll probably kill off the relationship permanently not just until I'm no longer pregnant and that greatly saddens me. In the meantime I'm just trying to steer clear of everyone unless they come and ask me what is going on so that I don't lose another friendship or family member.

So, with all that being said... HURRY UP 38WKS AND GET HERE ALREADY!! I'm miserable & I'm over ready to be done.

1 comment:

  1. Just came across your blog, thank you for sharing your story. Feel free to follow my blog as well. Its good to have friends who feel what you are going through.


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