Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Drama, Drama, DRAMA

I swear all my life consists of is Drama any more. I most certainly do not go looking for it as I have enough problems in my own home, it just always comes to me. Here's a quick recap of the last few months so you're up-to-date on what I'm talking about. A few months ago H*attie and I stopped talking after a huge fight on the computer about her parenting skills that ended in her calling me horrendous names. Neither DH nor I talked to her again from mid-February until Easter weekend when she called crying to tell us that J*ordan and her were on the outs. Of course my DH the respecting brother and father-like figure that he has been to that disrespectful girl offered our home to her and *H* (our nephew) to come stay. However we were sick during Eater and the following week, so we were unable to move her down here... so by the following weekend when we were feeling better things with H*attie and J*ordan were "fine". Although a couple days later H*attie leaves J*ordan AND *H* to go be with this other guy she had been cheating on J*ordan with. We didn't talk to H*attie again, but we did keep in contact with J*ordan about *H*. Fast forward to this past week...

We get a phone call from H*attie telling us that her and J*ordan have went back to court about visitations for her with *H*, and the judge ruled it had to be supervised. Bet you can't guess who with? Oh you guessed it? Well, you're right... us! ARGH! The stipulations of the visitations were ridiculous though, and doable for her and J*ordan as they live 20min or so from each other, but we live an hour drive away from them. The terms were every other weekend starting this past weekend for 2hrs, then 4hrs, then 6hrs or each of the following weekends on Saturdays, to be picked up and dropped off and J*ordan's local police dept., and to be in a public place all with us. I talked to J*ordan about how this would not work, and how I would love for H*attie to be able to see *H*, but there was no way possible for us to accommodate the judges request in this especially when we weren't even consulted first. He told me he didn't know what to tell me or H*attie, as she just sat there and never opened her mouth about it, but said she'd like it to be us. He said he wasn't doing her any favors. I can't much blame him, but at the same time by not doing her favors her and us are being screwed. Fast forward to this past weekend...

J*ordan decided to swallow his ego a bit and compromise on some things. He had to come to our house any way, as he bought our old living room suit off of us. So, when I told H*attie this, I also asked her if she would be able to come here to see *H*. J*ordan agreed, H*attie agreed, thus *H* was here. (He's gotten so big and independent at 18mths old, but that's off topic... LOL!) J*ordan once he was here decided H*attie could keep *H* over night as long as she and her boyfriend stayed here with him. So, instead of 2hrs she got him 24hrs. OMG... she is horrible at parenting. If I were in her position I would want to spend every second with my son. Not her, every time I had to leave for something, she left with me and left *H* in M*att's (her boyfriend) care. During that care time M*att didn't watch *H* and he got into my cat's food and water bowls spilling them. Matt left *H* in the soaking wet clothes until we got there, and H*attie kept him in them even after we got home and found out about it. I would say in the amount of time that *H* was here, he ate maybe 5TBS of food and drank a milk bottle. When I tried to feed him he threw a fit, and H*attie told me to leave him alone... so I did. She left him in a poopy diaper for I don't even know how long as he got here at 11am, and the first diaper change she did on him b/c I told her his diaper was about to fall off was at 4:30pm (the poop was drying to his butt). When it was bath and bedtime she didn't even give him his bath... I did. She and her boyfriend both got drunk after *H* went to bed. And, the worst thing they left here at 10am on Sunday to take *H* back to J*ordan... She NEVER fed him breakfast or anything.

Now, we are left to fill out these report papers for the judge and mail them to the court house on her parenting abilities supervised to see if when they go back to court she can get them unsupervised. DH is leaving me in charge of this, as I always do all the paperwork things. However, he asked me what I was going to write and said he thought that she did a good job this weekend. I told him exactly what I've written here. He flipped out, and I told him that it needed to be told to the judge in the best interest of *H*. DH and I are now fighting even more. Every time one of his sisters comes around that is all we do. Especially if it's H*attie. I never wanted to be any part of H*attie and J*ordan's split, nor did I want involved in this custody dispute after the first time this crap happened. Now, they've put even more strain on a marriage already at it's breaking point. I don't know what to do... I don't want my marriage to fall apart over me telling the truth, but at the same time I don't want to lie so that she gets unsupervised visits as I worry about *H*'s well being in her care alone with him. I'm so torn, and this Drama has me an emotional train wreck.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Lack of Patience and The "Friend"

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers. If this is your first time visiting my blog you can find my TTC Journey above this post in the tool bar. If you frequent this blog, and have no clue what I'm talking about each month when I say it's that time of month again for ICLW; well click on that cute yellow button on my right sidebar and it'll take you to this month's list of blogs in the ALI community and give you a better explaining or what this is all about. (I'm not doing it, b/c well I'm lazy tonight and super tired, sorry. :))

Any way, back to regular scheduled blogging...

It seems that my adorable, bubbly, blond hair, blue-eyed, 2yr old Monster, *B* is really testing his limits these last couple of weeks... and of course with that Mommy's patience. I hate to complain, b/c he is a blessing... but dang when will the terrible 2's be over? And please don't tell me age three isn't any better, b/c I've already heard that. I'm not sure why he's being like this other than the bad influence of my Dad, little brother, and little brother's mom. Only problem is since my Dad and I had that falling out he hasn't been around any of them except one time, and that was for maybe 15min. I know his mind is a like a little sponge and it's always "Monkey see, Monkey do, Monkey get in trouble too" with him, but I don't think he realizes that their actions are totally inappropriate and he shouldn't be copying them. He's taken to talking back, not wanting to eat, belching loudly and not excusing himself, covering his ears so he's not able to listen, throwing things, and wanting to fight constantly as just a short run down of things. I can't hardly take or stand his actions, and I find myself having to count to 10 numerous times a day or put him in time out constantly. He's even acquired a few hand and butt swats, neither of which have phased him though. I'm just at my wits end with this, and I'm not sure what else to do. I can't just ride out this phase, b/c I don't know how long it will last. Plus he needs to know that his actions aren't suitable, but other than being the example that I already am and telling him he shouldn't do this or that for whatever reason; what more can I do? Advice is welcome.

During all this unruliness though, *B* has acquired a new friend. An imaginary friend. I first started noticing him talking to himself little by little here and there about three months ago, but then it dissipated. Then when we found out we were pregnant before we found out it was a chemical pregnancy last month it started up again. Only it's more than just talking now. I have to tuck the "friend" in bed with him. I have to wash the "friend" at bath time too. He eats half of his meals then pushes his "friend" his plate to eat the rest of it. He throws fits while going into a store that I've left the "friend" in the car. I assume the "friend" is much older than *B*, as he has a job and gets a paycheck and isn't here during the days most the time, but I have no clue honestly. I'm handling the "friend" quite well all except for I can't see him and never know where he is and for the name that *B* has chosen to give him. The "friend's" name is Booger Butthole. Yes, you most certainly read that right. I'm not sure where he came up with that name, but imagine walking into Wal*Mart while your child is screaming and flailing around in the cart screaming at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, you left Booger Butthole strapped in the car! Mommy go out and get Booger Butthole! Mommy Booger Butthole is scared b/c he's all alone out there!" Totally Mortifying!

I've tried to persuade him to change the "friend's" name to something different, and he will for about an hour. Then it always goes back to the current name. I'm hoping this phase too is VERY quick lived, b/c trying to explain why my child has chosen some off the wall name for an imaginary friend that they think he shouldn't have in the first place is proving to be a defeating task. Lord help us!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My Marriage

I hate even writing this, b/c it's when you admit something is wrong publicly afterwards it either seems like not such a big deal or the problem escalates. I'm hoping it's the first and not the latter... but we shall see.

Any way, I think that my marriage is slowing slipping into a huge sink hole in the vain of it's existence. Actually it's been happening for quite sometime perhaps, but recently with the m/c things seem to be getting worse. I know that men deal with grief differently than women, but my DH's way of dealing with things is to not acknowledge them at all. So, for the past (almost) month while I've been mourning the loss of our last pregnancy, he's been acting like it never happened. We don't talk, we bicker and argue instead. I long for him to just wrap me in his arms, and hold me while I physically and emotionally break down... hasn't happened yet and probably never will; instead *B* wipes my tears away, says "Mommy no be sad, no more tears, it'll be alright," or I conceal my misery by crying myself to sleep in bed alone or in the shower so I can try to be strong for our son.

Before the m/c things were rocky. Maybe it was the end of that 7yr itch in marriage that people talk about, since we just celebrated our 8yr wedding anniversary on Monday (5/17... which he almost completely forgot about and would have had he not gotten in his lunchbox at 11:25pm and saw the card with replacement wedding band b/c the original got mangled at work (that he's still not wearing, btw) to remind him). However, I don't think that that is the case. Any more we could be in the same room, but we might as well be a million miles apart. We don't talk, laugh, cry, or even love one another like we used to... any more we just co-exist. I'm hoping that my hormones are playing into my thinking on things lately and over exaggerating how I'm feeling, but that is all I've had time to do. I think about my relationships with others (especially my marriage), and I cry. Alot.

Some where in the back of my mind (actually it's been moving closer to the front of my mind or I wouldn't be writing this) I keep thinking that our marriage is ever so slowly coming to an end. I know every relationship has it's roller coaster ride, but ours has been going down the deepest of inclines for at least 4yrs now. Sure we have our good times, but it's been alot of bad times in 4yrs... hell in 8yrs (10yrs if you count the entire time we've been together). Sadly but true. I hate airing out our dirty laundry, so let's just say we've done our fair share of wrongs to each other (including infidelity, lying, addictions, etc.) since we've been together, and we've been through alot more than most couples... for that we're stronger yet deeply tarnished. So deeply tarnished that we're at that point of no return in our marriage, I'm afraid. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that a relationship and each person in it can only take so much... I think ours has endured more than we ever anticipated or bargained for... we're at our breaking point. Such is the giant sink hole.

So, while I'm being completely vulnerable and honest here there are so many things in the last month that I've noticed that make me think he's ready to call it what it is, and move on already (or maybe he already has, I'm not sure). I don't really know if I wasn't paying attention to all the signs before the m/c, but looking back I know they were there I just wasn't as tuned into them as I am now. Plus, now that I have time to sit and dwell on everything I notice them more. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out and asked him if he was being unfaithful to me even... his response was bluntly "Yes," but I don't know if I can believe or trust that especially with the attitude he gave me for the few days following reading the letter.

Let's face it; I know we have problems... I know I love my husband very deeply and more so today than ever before. I know I want to continue chasing eternity with him, but I'm tired of putting in 100% all the time and not even getting but 10% in return at times. We can't live like this. I want our marriage to work for us and our family of three. I want him to go to marriage counseling with me to make it work, but when we tried it before I ended up going alone until I had to quit going, b/c the therapist couldn't help us unless we both were participating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I truly now know what the expression "You love someone so much it hurts," means, b/c that's how my love for DH is anymore... of the sad, bitter, hurting variety. And, honestly it sucks... I want what we once had back again.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day 2010

This Mother's Day was a GREAT one. There have been so many Mother's Days in the past that I've bawled my eyes out, even with having the blessing of my little man. There's no rhyme or reason to why I would cry... I just would. This year I didn't even focus on any heartache or heartbreak that has been gong on in my life. Instead I focused on the positive, and made the very best of my day.

It began with DH and *B* letting me sleep in VERY late. When I say very late I'm talking until noon which was a much needed and very pleasant surprise. I awoke to these gorgeous flowers and gushing cards from my two favorite men, as well as tons of hugs, kisses and snuggles.
I got to leasurely get ready and then we headed out to go shopping where I picked out a new purse, a pair of pjs, and some fingernail polish for my Mother's Day gifts b/c DH didn't know what I wanted or what to get me. After that we came home for awhile for some family time, before heading out to dinner at a local Italian restaurant called The Yard. After dinner *B* wanted some ice cream, so to the hand-dipped ice cream shop we went.

Finally, we headed home where DH and I doubled up on bathtime for the Monster where he broke into his new tubtime paints, and we laughed and giggled at his gooey soapy painted body. Then we all settled onto the couch, put in a movie and snuggled up together until *B* fell asleep. The perfect ending to a perfect Mother's Day for my history books. Hope that ya'll had a GREAT Mother's Day as well!!

Saturday, May 1, 2010


NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) may be ending today, but our journeys, battles, struggles, defeats, and victories keep going. As I was browsing through the list of "What If...?" posts at Stirrup Queens I came across lots of compelling, captivating, and moving posts. I was so moved by this video by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed that I wanted to share it with all of you.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

She gave me goosebumps and made me cry. Tears of sadness and tears of happiness. She's taking a stand, promoting awareness.... as I hope so many of you are doing as well. She gives me inspiration to take a bigger stand and promote more awareness and let more people know than I already do. So, with that being said I wanted to remind all of you to add your post to the Project IF thread with your own "What If...?" post. I added mine, please add your's and take a stand.