Quality Time

Today I spent quality time with the Little Miss, while DH and The Monster spent time together. The Monster has really been feeling left out since *A* arrived, but not so much today. Him and DH went to what us country folk call fun... the mud runs. It's this huge mud pit that trucks, jeeps, SUVs, and 4-wheelers drive threw trying to get the fastest time to win money. The Monster got to play in the mud and get down & dirty. He came home and couldn't quit talking about it... him or DH. I wish I could of went, but instead I stayed home, caught up on sleep with the Little Miss, and was kept updated via text messages. Here are some pictures of my baby boy having fun.

Starting to play in the mud

With his Uncle getting ready to ride in a truck

Going on his mud run

Playing in the mud



More mud play



Showing off his muddy self

His cute chubby & muddy self all done playing and ready to go home

Sorry To Keep You Waiting But...

I'm still waiting too. :( We went to the gender u/s & of course our little one wouldn't cooperate with revealing his or her bits. The Dr. went over everything and said that all perfect parts of our little Lovebug were just that... PERFECT!! In the beginning of the u/s he thought he saw little boy parts, but at the end of the u/s he thought the baby was looking more like a girl. I'm kind of thinking that my Dr's u/s equiptment might be from the Ic*e A*ge or something actually. I mean I know the TV we get to few the u/s on is since I can only get VHS tapes made of the u/s and I don't even own a VCR. But alas I took my camera and shot a video. Be fore-warned when you watch this video that it is VERY shakey at some points and may make you nauseous... the camera switched hands from mine to DH's at a point b/c I had to push on my belly and reposition my fat flap so the Dr. could get a better view. You can see the shots he did get from between the legs, and tell me what you think. And if you want to hear the commentary from the u/s turn up the volume. :)

Baby was in a breech anterior position for most of the u/s so it was hard to see things. Plus, the baby was in this knees to his or her chest with his or her ankles crossed in an indian style seating position. But, as I said you can watch the video and tell me what you think the gender is from seeing other u/s's. DH won't let me buying anything with a specific pink or blue color since we don't know. I'm bummed about that... but at least we'll get to try for a second attempt at the gender on April 11th. However I'm thinking about going to a 3D/4D ultrasound places in a week or so to get another u/s done, but this time in 3D/4D.

Enjoy the video and Happy Hump Day!!

Belly Shots

My first belly shots that I have taken for this pregnancy. I feel like I'm slacking on documenting this pregnancy with Baby#2, since I started with *B* at the moment I found out I was pregnant. Any way, everything has been going well (knock on wood). My belly is growing and I'm looking more round in the belly instead of that pleasantly plump look. Here are my 15w2d & 17w0d belly shots in order accordingly.

I'm starting to get really excited about finding out the gender of our bundle of joy. Actually more like anxious. I find out this coming Tuesday. (For those that haven't voted yet in my gender poll, it's over there in the right sidebar... I'm curious to know what you think we're having.) I can't wait to start buying baby stuff, and I can't wait to know if I can start picking out pink or blue instead of the gender neutral items that we've been buying for the baby.

Speaking of buying things for the baby, last weekend was the first time we'd bought anything. DH, my bestie *J*, *B*, and I all went for a day trip. We went to a child clothing consignment shop. We got a few sleepers & onsies, the diaper bag I wanted, baby monitors, and a cute little pair of airwalk flip flops in size 1. DH got so excited when we bought that stuff, and said that he couldn't wait to start buying other things. Of course first we want to know the gender, but I thought it is was really cute that he was getting excited about the baby since we haven't really showed that much excitement about him or her b/c of the fear of m/c-ing.

ICLW, On The Mend, & Other Stuff

Welcome ICLW!! If you don't know me or about me feel free to poke around my blog and find out. A good place to start would be above this entry in my header bar under "My TTC Journey." I also encourage you to follow my blog as well, b/c my motto for blog following is "I gain a follower, you gain a follower."

Briefly though... My name is Catrisha. I'm 27 years young, married, and currently 15w1d pregnant with #2. I've had recurrent m/c's and have battled infertility (specifically PCOS and hypothyroidism). Twice now I've beat the odds that my body has thrown at me time and time again of early m/c and non-conception to conceive my miracles... My son known as "The Monster" or "*B*" around here and our current bundle of joy that I'm carrying. We are anxiously awaiting our gender u/s which is scheduled for March 15th, and if you haven't already voted in my sidebar poll on what you think we're having feel free too b/c we're definitely curious to know what ya'll think. We're not particular on a specific gender, we're just happy to be adding to our family and hoping for a full-term pregnancy with minimal to no complications and a healthy baby.

Now back to my regularly scheduled blogging....

We're all on the mend from the cold & flu around here. Boy, am I glad about that. After the past few days with it being so nice, sunny, and warm here this is such a blessing. I was able to open our windows and air the germs out. My biggest concern was *B* who wasn't getting better very quickly. Finally he's on the mend too, but is only about 85-90% better. He still gets a tickling in his throat he'll tell you and start coughing... the bad part about that is it's at night when our heat has been on. So, I went on a clean sweep through thee entire house wiping everything down with Clo*rox and spraying disinfectant spray. I changed the filters in the furnace and I vacuumed out the vents. I'm thinking maybe this on-going persistent runny nose and cough he's been experiencing is allergies instead of a 3 1/2 month long cold. DH and I both have severe allergies and DH had to have allergy shots when he was little... now I think *B* might be following in our footsteps. I was hoping not, but with all this cleaning and things adding up to the causes of his ailments being dust, pollen, mold, & mildew (our basement recently started drawing in moisture with all the melting of the snow/ice giving it a horrid mildew-ish smell that it's never had before) related I'm think he is.

DH is going to be busy at work in the basement this coming week/end cleaning it better than I was able to, resealing it, and we've already gotten a dehumidifier/air purification unit down there to help. Hopefully we'll all be 100% in no time.

In other news... I've been feeling every once and awhile for a couple of days now the baby move. It's usually at night when I lay down for bed, and it's nothing I can feel on the outside but it's definitely there. It feels as best I can describe it like a little ball rolling across my belly from one side to the other and back again right beneath my belly button. It usually goes on for 5-10min before it stops and I can no longer feel it. I'm eager to start feeling more movement more during the day (and night), and to be able to start feeling it on the outside. That was my favorite part of being pregnant with *B*.

Also, speaking pregnancy related ever since I was sick with the flu I've been having morning sickness, which is more like wake up in the middle of the night and vomit my guts up sickness. I was sick like this with *B* while I was pregnant with him, but it started at 6wks to the day and ended at 15wks to the day and occurred EVERYDAY! I hadn't been sick hardly at all with this pregnancy and for it to start now at/around 15wks, sucks. I'm just hoping it's short lived, and passes quickly, and that phen*ergan continues to help when I'm able to take it.

**I hope that you've enjoyed this visit to my blog! Have a GREAT ICLW week & peace and blessings to you and yours!!**

Battling The Sickies

I'm so tired of everyone in my family being sick, especially my little man. My poor *B* has been sick with a horrible cough and runny (green snot) nose since early November. I've been religiously taking him to see his pediatrician like clock work about every 14-15days. He's been on different antibiotics 6 different times in the past 3 1/2 months. He is always prescribed to take them 10days, and within 3-5days of finishing the medicine he's right back to the same symptoms. It's to the point he doesn't even want to take medicine any more, and yet he still sounds like a hound dog when coughing and is no better.

My Mommy heart breaks for him, b/c there is nothing that I can other than what I've been doing which is everything. I'm beginning to hate his pediatrician too, b/c I feel like she doesn't listen to me and that to her I'm just another mother that doesn't follow through with giving her child their meds. I'm not that type of Mom at all. Just 2wks ago I ended up in an arguement with her over this on-going ailment we've been dealing with. Poor *B*'s ears have been sensetive to sounds since mid-December, and each time we're in there I tell her and she says there is nothing wrong with his ears. I finally put my foot down and told her I thought she was a quack and that her specialty was pediatrics not the ears, nose, and throat and I wanted a referral to an ENT for him. After her (always drops the ball) staff took their sweet ass time (a week) and I called in there complaining I finally got the referral for my insurance for the ENT. The bad part is the appt isn't until March 22nd.

I have to call in daily to see if I can get an earlier an appt if there's a cancellation, but so far no luck. *B*'s poor stomach and pelvic floor muscles are so weak from all his coughing that he dribble pees his pants everytime he coughs. He'll come to me so upset and crying over this loss of dignity that he gained when becoming fully potty trained. My poor heart breaks for him many times a day, but I comfort him letting him know it's not his fault and everything will be alright. I also reassured him that he's not the only one that is experiencing this, as Mommy being sick and being pregnant is causing me to do the same thing. Of course I got a smile out of him from that, and a huge hug.

The worst part about him and this on-going sickness is that I keep getting it. I've been on 3 different antibiotics since becoming pregnant for the the same symptoms he has. Just this past week all three of us were deathly ill with the same symptoms (coughing, gagging until we puke, sinus congestion, and eventually runny noses with lots of sneezing). We all started the Z-pack this past Friday. DH no longer has any symptoms. I still have a tickle in my throat with a cough. *B* still sounds the same as when he began the medicine. *B* and I both ended up in the ER for dehydration. It's a vicious cycle that keeps repeating and I just wish that for once we could all be healthy, but apparently that's asking to damned much. ARGH!

On a side note: With having been so sick and not being able to keep anything down and being seen in the ER... I had to see the OB to make sure the baby was alright. I got an u/s done on Fri. when I was in there to get my script for the Z-pack, and baby was very active even though I'd only had a slice of toast in my system for the past 4days prior to the appt. The heartrate was 158bpm. My BP on Fri. was 140/87, but my OB wasn't worried he said it was my body's defense mechanism dealing with the stress of the sickness. I had to go back in there yesterday so that he could make sure that I was improving on the meds, and make sure he didn't need to admit me. On the doppler yesterday the baby's heartrate bounced between 152 and 158bpm. My BP was 128/78, and just over the weekend and being prescribed what I'm calling the miracle medicine (ph*energan) I gained back 4 of the 5lbs I had lost in the week before. So, baby is good even though I've been sick, and slowly I'm on the mend... just wish the little man was too.

One last side note: Don't forget to vote on my right sidebar on the baby's gender. Voting ends March 15th before the gender u/s. I'm curious to see what ya'll think we're having. Oh and I'm 14w2d today.

Telling My DH & First OB Appt.

First and foremost I would like to thank each of you for the Congrats, well wishes, thoughts, and prayers on my announcement in the last post. Ya'll truly know how to make an already emotional girl happy and sappy all at the same time. :) You, my Dreamers, are why I continue to write.

So, as promised I'm going to tell ya'll how I told my DH about our AMAZING news. On the night of Thursday, December 9th while my DH was at work I decided to take a test. AF was well overdue, but I had tested twice before in the the last week to week and a half and gotten BFNs so I figured this test would be another one of the same. Much to my surprise a very faint BFP showed up. I was home alone with just me and the Monster. I wanted to call or text DH to tell him the exciting news, but I only had that one test and it didn't give me much certainty. So, the next morning my first order of business after our normal routine was to head out to buy me some more pregnancy tests. I bought another box of FRER and a box of EPT Digital read out. I came home and when I had to be took one of the EPTs. Waiting for that little hour glass to turn into a read-out of "Pregnant" seemed like an eternity. Finally the 3 minute wait time was up, and there on the test stick appeared that glorious word I was waiting to see.Since I knew the night before I had asked DH if I had a time sensitive gift for him to open for Christmas if he would open it early. He told me he would, so I took the test and wrapped it in Christmas wrapping paper. I got out a small clothing gift box and tissue paper. I had gotten him a Christmas card when I bought the tests, and I wrote on the inside of it:

"I couldn't think of a better time sensitive present to give you as an early
Christmas present than this one. Looks like we did do it right again. Merry
Christmas. I love you!!"

I placed the card in the gift box in the tissue paper with the wrapped test on top of it, and put it under the tree. I waited until he got up that afternoon (he works midnights) and told him his time sensitive gift was under the tree and he needed to open it. He sat down on the chair and had *B* help him open the box. He pulled out the card and read it, then looked at me strange. Then he unwrapped the test at the end where the cap was, and I saw his eyes light up. He asked me if this was for real. I told him to keep unwrapping. He unwrapped the entire test then looked at me, and asked, "Seriously?" I told him yes seriously. He looked at *B* and said, "Guess what?!?! Mommy's got a little baby in her belly." Then he showed him the test.He had the biggest smile on his face. He got up and gave me a huge hug and kiss, and told me I was right about this gift.... plus it's the best gift he could ever ask for. Since then I took a test everyday until I ran out, including another digital test on the 13th.

* * * * * * * * * *

As most of you commented in my last post about how my dates may not match up due to when I took the test and the lightness of them, you were right. I had stated my EDD based on my LMP, but I'm a 35-45 day cycler. I had thought that I had ovulated around Thanksgiving, but I wasn't very for sure b/c I wasn't charting or monitoring. Any way, after my OB appt yesterday it was confirmed that I'm between 5-6wks (probably closer to 5wks). No baby was seen in my u/s, just the gestational sac and a little blip in the sac that the Dr called the yolk. Which I'm assuming is the baby? I've never had an u/s this early so I don't really know. My BP was 138/82, so I have to go back on BP meds since I had pre-e that developed into toxemia while I was pregnant with *B*.

I went over all my patient history (I'm seeing a new Dr. than I did before). He did the dreaded pap, and then the u/s. After the u/s when he realized I wasn't as far as what was thought, he told me he wished he had done the u/s first b/c then he wouldn't of done the pap. He was quite concerned about my recurring m/c's that I have that are early in gestation (3.5-6wks). So, he had the three of us go into his office after I cleaned myself up and got dressed and discussed this with us. He put me on PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that I have to go to his office to get once a week. I also have to do progesterone suppositories nightly, which I'm already hating b/c they are messy and gross. And, I'm on bedrest again with this pregnancy already. There was nothing wrong that he saw in the u/s, but he's just having me do all this as a precaution. He wants me to stay pregnant... good thing him and I want the same thing, which is a far cry from how my last Dr. acted like he wanted.

I've been having some brown discharge since my appt. that has actually let up now. And, my hip is extremely sore and bruised from my first shot. And, I'm sick of bedrest and I'm only 24hrs into it. But, it's all worth it. Next appt. is Christmas Eve for another shot. Not sure when my next u/s is, but I assume in 2-4wks. I'm glad I found this Dr. b/c he really cares about my health instead of money and what my insurance will pay and what I'm paying and when, which thrills me.

But, that being said I'll keep ya'll updated... and I promise not to stay away so long. I really missed writing these past few months while I was trying to manage everything. Thanks for still being here when I came back to it. :)

Updates, Updates, Updates... And AMAZING News!!

Hey Dreamers! It's been forever since I've actually posted. I really need to catch you all up on the happenings here in the land of Baby Dreams. Where to start? Hmmm....

Well, we'll start with how H*attie left. She lived here as you all know. We were trying to help her out, but you can only help someone as much as they wish to helped plus when they are ungrateful for every last ounce of help you give them it gets old really fast. Any way, in the last month that she was here which was clear back in Sept./Oct. she got herself a job. DH and I were really proud of her for doing so, but having an extra mouth to feed whom wasn't pulling her weight around here and was causing nothing but drama was taking it's toll on us. The beginning of Oct. rolled around and she got fired from her job after only being there for a month. We told her that she was going to have to take her last check and help out around here. She did, but come a week after the first she was staying with DH's older sister and causing problems between us and them. I had had enough of her crap, so finally I told her she could get out through text message that I didn't need the drama. Of course that started a whole other mess of problems with SIL & BIL being jerks like always. Needless to say, she's gone and out of our hair but in the process DH ended up wiping his hands of his sisters and wants nothing more to do with them.

With the drama that H*attie brought on and the issues that were already going on in my marriage with DH talking to and texting other girls prior to this, my marriage took a weird turn. We fought alot about the unfaithfulness, but our focus turned to fighting about H*attie and the crap that was being stirred up there. I tried hard to focus on fixing things, but there was a part of me that just wanted to throw in the towel and be done with it all. However, I stayed and I pushed on looking for sunshine in a broken relationship through the gray skies. Finally, toward the end of Oct. DH and I were in a better place, and we were able to communicate with one another again without yelling or in my case crying. Presently our relationship is the best that it has been in a long time. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.

Updates on me.... I just finished my first quarter of college towards my Associate's degree in Medical Administration. It was a long tough 11wks, but I'm proud to say I survive it. That is one of the reasons that I haven't been updating like I used to. I so very little time for myself that the last thing I want to do is spend it on the computer for a few moments more to update. I really need to though even if it's just a few lines here and there, b/c then I won't play catch up so much. I start back on Jan. 3rd, and while I'm looking forward to it... I'm dreading it a little too, b/c I know this coming quarter will be alot tougher than the last.

Let's see... updates on the Monster... he's getting so big and he's so rotten. Last weekend we went to the local mall so he could sit on Santa's lap when he was done he got interviewed by a staff member of a local newspaper so that he could tell them what he (Stinky the Garbage Truck), Mommy (watch the video), and Daddy (nothing, b/c that's what Daddy said) wanted for Christmas. They cut a bunch of the actual footage off, but here is what is left:

If you couldn't tell from the video what my Christmas wish is from what *B* said, here's a hint:

My LMP was the last one that I recorded on here which was 10/27/10. My EDD is 8/3/11. I'm a little over 8wks based on my LMP. My first ultrasound is later today. I'll post about how that goes in my next post, and about how I told DH which was really cute. But for now, I'm off to bed. G'nite ya'll and babydust or belly rubs all around.

Welcome ICLW and Things Thus Far

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven (or hell depending on the day) in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog but still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighten yourself on that. (Got to love how I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

If you're here looking for things about the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof... you won't be finding them either except in previous entries that didn't last very long. I don't quit on anything usually, but this I did. Not b/c I didn't care or I don't love my DH, but b/c there has been a change of events that has brought a hell storm upon our love, our marriage, and our commitment to one another. I realized after he started stalking my blog, after I started hacking his email and FB account that I wasn't in the wrong for doing the Love Dare or writing about him... but I was in the wrong for not trusting him. (With good reason though I lost that trust.) I also realized that our marriage is more fragile that I thought and that we need more help than the steps of any Love Dare would of done for us at this point. So, all I can say is we're not good, but we're not horribly bad... we're in between and we're both of us trying to work on things.

As for my blog and going private... I'm not. I thought about it. DH and I talked about it. He knows it's my venting outlet about a whole slew of things. He knows that I receive support from so many of you out there in the blogosphere when I need it. So, b/c of that I'm staying open tot he public albeit with some exceptions, which those that follow me will be able to pick up on in the coming weeks as I write.

In other news... H*attie is still living here, and I'm pretty sure that that chapter is about to close. After a very tearful conversation between DH and I, he realized that she uses word play on little things and with those words drives deeper wedges between him and me. So, he's giving her an out date now that she has a job. I'm hoping this time he'll stand his ground on the matter.

... *B* is growing like a weed around here. He's so smart. I've been teaching him his colors and he knows them all, but has a hard time deciphering between black, brown, and gray. He knows his numbers 1-10 and the actual amount that each of those are. He knows his left from his right. He's in size 4T in all clothes, and a size 9 in shoes. He's in love with his mohawk. He's got a tender heart. And lastly he's such a big helper boy. I'm so lucky to be his Mommy, I couldn't of asked for a more wonderful and perfect son. God truly blessed me 3 1/2yrs ago.

And in closing... if you've made it this far I and you find me interesting and would like to stick around, feel free to follow my blog over there on the left... b/c if you follow me I'll follow you. All you have to do is let me know that you're a new follower of my blog by comment. I'm trying to get to 50 followers, and if I do I have a giveaway in store. So, please I encourage you to follow away. Happy ICLW!!

I'm Done

I was continuing the Love Dare up until yesterday when I got online and found that DH and this girl that lives at the end of our blog had been talking and texting each other. I had days 9 & 10 to write about, and I even wanted to muster up the love and energy in my heart to try to do yesterday's dare Day 11, but I couldn't. Then after talking to a good friend and posting about what had happened on my FB blog fan page I received this private message from DH:

"Hey i'm not doing anything with her just talking... and all she did was sent her phone number to my email. why should u save this marrage u didn't care about it 4 years ago... why now... and please don't be posting things that i do on the sites u go to... I've never cheated on u since we be married... i gave this marrage another shot...i bet none of them girls that u talk to know what u did to me...u always make it look like i did something wrong... when i didn't... u tryed to get rid of me once and if u want me gone i'll leave just tell me. I/m going to bed so maybe we'll talk or what ever..."

Apparently I don't write about how I cheated on him, even though I have just go back through my posts. Apparently he's never cheated on me while we've been married, (although cheating on me while we were dating and engaged is alright) and even though I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate. Apparently I want to get rid of him even though I've been doing this Love Dare to try to keep him and make things better. And ultimately I'm not allowed to write about him or us anymore anywhere, so.......... I'm not sure if I'll be writing anywhere anymore at all online except for school when it starts, and honestly at this point I don't even have my heart into that now. All I can do is ask you all to pray for me and us, b/c we need it. Thanks.

Love Dare- Day 8

Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15

I got rid of the negatives list. I don't want to dwell on the bad things about my DH. He's a good man and has a good heart... I just wish that 100% of the time that tribute in him came shining through.

Any way, my DH has been ginseng hunting. He's trying to get enough of it so that when he goes to cash it in we'll get back a good bit of money to put toward our county fair coming up at the beginning of next or toward Christmas. Yesterday morning he got up before the rooster even crowed to go out hunting and when he came home he was beat. But, he came home with ALOT!!! I told him today that I was really excited that he was ginseng hunting again (which is huge in and of itself b/c he hasn't went since my FIL passed), and that I was excited that he'd gotten so much already. I told him I was really proud of him and that I couldn't wait for the fair or Christmas, b/c I knew he was working hard to make things good for us.

Love Dare- Day 7

Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8

Today wasn't all that hard. I have a love/hate relationship with many characteristics that my DH has. So, there is a fine line and making the lists was fairly easy. Here are my lists...

Positives:

• He's a hard worker and excellent provider for our family.
• He's an amazing father in many areas.
• He has a big heart and will do anything for anyone.
• He's a wonderful lover when he puts effort into it.
• He's a jack of all trades and can do just about anything handy that needs doing around the house.
• He helps me out with house hold chores occasionally.
• He's a great snuggler.
• He's a great cook.
• He's great at encouraging me and everyone else.
• He's an awesome supporter in most everything I do.

Negatives:

• He's not very good at listening when things are important.
• He lacks patience and is short-tempered at times.
• He's not romantic or spontaneous anymore.
• He's jealous alot, and accusive.
• He doesn't give credit to me where credit is due, and I rarely get a chance to have "me" time b/c he's got some lame reason.

The positive that I picked to make emphasis on was his snuggling and cooking skills. He made dinner tonight and it was excellent. I told him so, and that he was an incredible cook and that I loved when he cooked for us. Tonight I asked him to keep me warm b/c we went to the races as well, and my has fall came early. He put his arm around me, and pulled me close to him. I told him I loved being so close to him and in his arms, b/c it made feel safe and secure. Loved moments like tonight.

Love Dare- Day 6

Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16

Today I decided to react to yesterdays comments, but with a clearer thought process. I addressed the other guy issue and the weight issue. I explained to DH that I am trying to find a healthier new me, but it's not going to happen over night. I didn't gain all this weight over night and losing it over night is just as unhealthy as being fat. He agreed and told me that he would help me in the process where ever I wanted and needed help. I have to confess though that I'm losing weight only to get pregnant again and seemingly become obese again, b/c well you gain weight while pregnant. So, that is one wrong motivation I'm letting go of. I've decided to to lose weight in order to be healthier and to be more active with my family, if I get pregnant along the way so be it... I'll just start over again.

As for the other guy issue, I simply told DH that in his head what he may think happened between me in the other guy didn't. In his heart I hope he knows the truth and can believe what I've told him despite the rumors he's been told from others. I also told him that when he's able to forgive me for the wrong that I did to our marriage then I will tell him the the details of the night that things happened if he wants to hear them. However, with him still having so much rage about the course of events leading up to my one night stand and night of betrayal I don't think now or anytime soon will be the right time for him to hear such things.

Love Dare- Day 5

Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritatted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12

Today was a hard day/task for me to complete. I did complete it, but the answers that DH gave me struck my heart right at the core. I simply asked DH to tell me a few things he could think of that make him irritated or uncomfortable by me. His response was almost bitter, and definitely hurtful. I didn't attact him back, and I didn't cry but I do keep thinking about what he said. Not all of them, b/c there was more than 3, but the ones that hurt me the most. He answered by telling me that sometimes being in the same bed with me after he knows that I slept with another man (which was 4yrs ago) and so "easily" put out to the other guy, when I won't have sex with him irritates him about me. I didn't put out to the other guy easily and he has no clue about the circumstances of what happened nor will I ever fully tell him. Maybe I should, but in my heart and mind it's better he doens't know all the details. It was a one time thing and still 4yrs later it's brought up and thrown in my face even though I wasn't the only one cheating at the time.

Then he made mention of my weight making him uncomfortable. Well, it may make him uncomfortable to be seen with me, but saying that and me actually being big makes m uncomfortable myself. I didn't need to be told. I'm working on my weight though now that I've went to the dietitian... but it's only been 2 days.

The other thing that he said that I haven't done is forever, b/c I'm not even focused on was basically asking him for sex on specific days only b/c I thought/think I was O-ing. Ummm hello, we both want another baby that is how you get another baby, he knows this. I just wish he wouldn't complain. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Love Dare- Day 4

Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3

Today was a total fail. I can admit when I fail, I fail. It wasn't a fail completely on my part though. I blame it on my electric company. You see I was mega busy all day long running errands for my Dad, paying bills for us, and grocery shopping... only to come home at one point (before having to head out AGAIN) to find a message on the answering machine telling H*attie she had a job if she could start today at 3:30pm. It was 1:20pm when I got said message. Any way, continue the frantic running around getting her things for her lunchbox and finding her a ride to work, b/c I refused to do it with it being a 20-25min drive away. But, I got that all out of the way and was finally able to head home, but still needed to go to W*al-M*art for somethings and didn't have time b/c I needed to wake up DH.

After I get home and get him woke up, he decides that instead of me going to WM why don't we go get subs from Sub*way for dinner, and I can go after I drop him at work (we have one vehicle). Fine by me. Well, we got dinner, ate, he got ready, and just as we're heading out the door the power goes out. It's 6:15pm. We couldn't find a regular phone to save our lives so he could call to see if power was still on at his work, so I had to take him there. It was on. I spent the next 5hours and 35min in the dark, with no phone, no way to contact him through the business of his day, and I didn't want to bother him by showing up at his work when if I asked him if he needed something I may not of been able to get it anyhow. There were 1500 customers in our area without power for 5hrs35min, and all do to a rolling blackout b/c our power company wasn't prepared for a heat wave in late August to early September; and apparently we were using to much power so the grid had to be shut down to conserve power. I so hated that and the fact that I failed a day, but I plan on doubling up tomorrow (which is actually today b/c I'm writing this on the 2nd at noon, but I'm back timing this to 11:59pm on the 1st so it shows up as a post on the 1st).

Love Dare- Day 3

Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16

Today wasn't a very hard day either as it's another work day. I had to go see the dietitian today to get on a better eating regiment to control my weight and sugars better, so by the time I got home at 3:45pm DH was already awake. Again we didn't have a lot of time with one another to even be able to fight. We communicated about my future dieting and exercise plans, and when I have to go back to the dietitian. It was a nice day. Again today I packed his lunch bucket, but today I slipped in a hand written note. (We've been short on money since H*attie has been living here, so I didn't buy him anything.) It simply said:

DH,

I wanted to tell you that while you're at work tonight, that even though you probably don't think so... I AM thinking about you and I LOVE YOU with all my heart. I hope that you're having a great night at work.

XOXO,

Me

I'm not sure if he's gotten it yet or even at all, b/c here it is going on midnight and he's had two breaks and still no phone call or nothing. Hopefully. On to tomorrow.

*********

PS: Jenni, I agree with you. I shouldn't sit back and take his verbal abuse as I did in Day 1, and we should do this together. However I know that he'll never do this challenge with me, not in a million years or more. Also, I do usually fight back when he's like that, so for me to bite my tongue is a change. I'm hoping that by doing so maybe he'll realize I'm not fighting back anymore, and by doing so we'll stop fighting pretty much altogether. Only time will tell, but thanks for your comments and concerns it means a lot.

Love Dare- Day 2

Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26, Proverbs 19:22

Today was an easy day. Or at least easy to me. DH works the 7p-7a shift, so he didn't get out of bed until almost 3pm today. He had to leave at 6:15pm. Not many hours to fight if we were going to, which we didn't. I often find that days that he works are so much better than the weekends that he's home. Sometimes I used to tell him on the weekends to "Go back to work, I can't stand you being home anymore." Now, I'm vowing not to do that and to savor every moment with him if I can. I just hope he realizes how much I love him, and how much he means to me.

He aggravated me again today. He just does these small annoying things like tapping continuously even when I've asked him nicely to quit, or calling my name over and over again even when I've asked him what he needs, or even this loud irritating hysterical laugh that sounds like a clown (you'd have to hear it to know what I'm talking about). These are the things I talk about when I say he's aggravating me. I swear he knows I'm doing this challenge, and wants me to go off the deep end on him just so that he can tell me I failed. I don't plan on failing. I didn't lose my cool. The unexpected thing that I did for him that I don't usually do is I packed his lunch bucket for work. This might sound like I'm a lazy wife b/c I don't do all the time, but I don't b/c he has OCD about how things are in his lunchbox. I'm serious. Everything has to be in the perfect position, and he always takes a variation of the same things. I've been watching him pack his bucket long enough that I could do it for him, even though he just goes behind me and takes the stuff out and reorganizes it. Today though I made sure everything was right, the only thing that wasn't was a snack pack of Oreos... the label was facing down, he has it facing up. Otherwise, he was thankful that I packed his lunch for him. I'm going to start doing it everyday now I think... at least if I can handle his critiquing.

Love Dare- Day 1

Day 1: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, I Thessalonians 5:15, James 1:19

Starting today was a real struggle for me, but persistence will pay off I hope. Last night we went to an end of summer party just like we always do. There were a bunch of idiots and drinking there (like always). DH doesn't drink any more and I can't even tell you the last time that he did drink. I on the other hand had one to many and was drunk. So, drunk I recklessly got on the front of a golf cart that could hit a peak speed of 30mph. Needless to say, someone else drunk was driving that golf cart and I got thrown from it and ran over by it. DH watched the whole thing happen, and instead of coming to see if I was alright when back to the bonfire. He still hasn't asked me if I'm alright, and it that hurts... but I must do this. I bawled in the shower at going on 2am when we got home telling myself only 40 more days and maybe things will be different. I pray to God that I'm right.

When we got up DH had in store for us the task of taking down our 12ft x 3 1/2ft pop-up pool. That was a challenge in and of itself. He kept calling me names telling me I was stupid and not doing it right. I was so proud of myself I just stood there, and continued helping him saying nothing even though I was angry and wanted to tell him off so badly. I'm not sure if he knows I'm doing this challenge or not. I know that he was way more aggravating today to me like he wanted me to blow my top, but I held strong and made it threw today and completed the challenge at hand. Hopefully tomorrow is just as well. Stay tuned.

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.2)

I'm really hoping that with doing The Love Dare Challenge that I will be in a better place with my marriage. I once heard this saying, and it keeps ringing in my ears as things get worse and worse between DH and I, "Don't make someone your priority, when all you are is their option." I love my husband, I truely do. I want to chase eternity with him. I want our family, our home, and to have grown old with him so many years from now. I can only hope and pray that upone completion of this challenge things will be so much different. Love , trust, faith, hope, honesty, and more over devotion will have been restored back into our hearts and our marriage. So, without further ado, I said that I would post the second 20 days of the 40 day Love Dare, so here they are. I'm hoping that I have a few joiners or followers throughout this journey, please let me know?

• Day 21: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are 31-a full months supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with him. Isaiah 58:11 , Psalm 145:16
• Day 22: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return." Hosea 2:20, Psalm 119:30
• Day 23: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13:7, Job 22:23
• Day 24: End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed-today-and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love. 1 John 2:17, 1 Peter 2:16
• Day 25: Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "Fogive us our debt" each day, we must ask him to help us "Forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive." 2 Corinthians 2:10, Luke 23:34
• Day 26: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel. Romans 2:1, Galatians 6:4
• Day 27: Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has old you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love. Psalm 25:20, Hebrews 10:24
• Day 28: What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet that need. 1 John 3:16, Galatians 6:2
• Day 29: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you," then express your love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way he loves both of you. Ephesians 6:7, Joshua 24:15
• Day 30: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that he would do the same for them. And if appropriate discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity. John 17:11, Deuteronomy 6:4
• Day 31: Is there a 'leaving' issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent on it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship. Genesis 2:24, John 17:21
• Day 32: If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your spouse today. Do this in a what that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy. 1 Corinthians 7:3, Song of Solomon 7:6
  
  *On a side note this day's dare is only for married couples*
• Day 33: Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you. Ecclesiastes 4:11, Colossians 3:14
• Day 34: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today. 1 Corinthians 13:6, Psalm 101:2
• Day 35: Find a marriage mentor-someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment. During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment. Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 11:14
• Day 36: Commit to reading the Bible every day. Find a Devotional or other resource that will give you some guidance. If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock. Psalm 119:105, Romans 15:4
• Day 37: Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Talk about the best time to do this, whether it's in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime. Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord. Don't forget to thank Him for his provision and blessing. Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself. Matthew 18:19, Psalm 88:13
• Day 38: Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can. Psalm 37:4, 2 Corinthians 9:8
• Day 39: Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place your spouse will find it. 1 Corinthians 13:8, Micah 7:18
• Day 40: Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your marriage vows before a minister and with family present. Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God's eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate. Ruth 1:16, Psalm 105:8

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.1)

It's no secret that my marriage has been on a downward spiral for a few years now. More like a rollercoaster ride actually, b/c it has it's ups and downs. More quick fast plummeting downs than long lasting ups though, as sadly as that is.

Any way, before H*attie came back to live with us things were rough, but I could see a change for the better in DH's and my relationship. Now, with her here things are back to slump and the constant fights. Too many nights I find me crying myself to sleep or days I just cry in general. My depression is at an all time high and I hate it. DH and I bicker and fight, and usually the root of the problem stems from something to do with H*attie and her constant drama and chaos.

I've done alot of wrongs in my marriage, but so has my DH. I'm not pointing fingers though. I'm ready to make my marriage work.... put up or give up. That's how I'm looking at it. So, I finally watched

Those of you that have watched it probably know what I'm talking about when I say "The Love Dare." If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm getting to that. Any way, this was an excellent movie, and I totally recommend watching it if you haven't. I've decided since watching this movie researching about the love dare challenge, that I'm going to do it. I'm going to document each day here in my blog how it goes, and see how I feel about my marriage after the challenge is complete. I'm hoping that it helps and it renews things and puts a breath of fresh air into our relationship. For those of you that would like to do the love dare challenge with me, I'm going to start it this Sunday!! For those that have done this already, I'd like to know how it changed your marriage good or bad? Any imput is appreciated, please and thanks.

Here is a day to day list of the dares in advance for those that would like to participate, and if you would like to participate let me know so that I can read how things go with you.

• Day 1: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, I Thessalonians 5:15, James 1:19
• Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26, Proverbs 19:22
• Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16
• Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3
• Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irratted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12
• Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16
• Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8
• Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15
• Day 9: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them. I Peter 5:14, Luke 15:20, Philemon 7
• Day 10: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the Laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage. Romans 5:8, I John 4:10, I John 4:19, I Cornithians 13:7, Romans 8:38-39, Psalm 32:10
• Day 11: What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with as smile. Ephesians 5:28, Mark 10:51
• Day 12: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first. Philippians 2:4, Romans 12:18
• Day 13: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs. Mark 3:25, Romans 12:16
• Day 14: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together. Ecclesiastes 9:9, Proverbs 23:26
• Day 15: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting away his clothes for him. It may be in the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes. 1 Peter 3:7, Jeremiah 30:1
• Day 16: Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for 3 specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage. 3 John 2, John 9:31
• Day 17: Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe. Proverbs 17:9, Song of Solomon 6:3
• Day 18: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your spouse. Proverbs 3:13, Proverbs 4:7
• Day 19: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have your realized your need for God to change your hear and to give you the ability to love? As him to show you where you stand with him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination. 1 John 4:7, Matthew 19:26
• Day 20: Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for Salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus I'm a sinner. But you have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your Power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace." Romans 5:6, Isaiah 63:9

Ok, so I fibbed... here is the first 20 days. I'll post the last 20 days before the weekend, but for now I must go to bed it's 1am.... LOL!

Rants, Decisions, and Life

**YOU ARE FOREWARNED THAT THERE IS PROFANITY AND VULGARITY IN THIS POST!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!**

It seems like ions since I put fingers to keys and really pounded out a decent blog entry. Give me the bad blogger award or whatever, but with the lack of computer time I get on my own computer since H*attie has moved in and started ruling the roost that is why. However, I am on FB, and I do update there almost everyday and right over there on the right hand side is my e-mail address... feel free to add me if you're on FB. Make sure you include a message with your request that you're from Baby Dreams.

Any way, a month ago today in all her laziness H*attie came back to dwell in our home and literally hold our couch down. If you know the history you know my dislike on this event, especially given that the next day was my son's 3rd birthday bash. If you don't know the history, I'll shorten and sweeten bitterly truthfully give it to you. When she was 14yrs old my MIL passed away (FIL passed the year prior). My older SIL was supposed to take custody of her in this event, but seeing as she had just popped out her 3rd child she had changed her mind. H*attie was left a ward of the state. My loving kind-hearted DH decided we should petition the courts at a mild age of 19yrs for custody of her. It was granted. Fast forward to her turning 18yrs old and thinking that just b/c she was now a legal adult in the state of Ohio she could do as and disrespect us as she pleased. I cheated on my DH, b/c we were in a very bad place in our marriage do to her always running interference and infertility. She found out, she told him. (No, I'm not proud.) Shortly after DH's finding out, I found out I was pregnant with *B*. Things were in chaos and rumors were flying but I knew the truth, and that DH was/is *B*'s father. Then H*attie stole from a store while I was maternity clothes shopping. I kept her out of jail, she returned the favor by punching me in the belly and telling me she hoped my baby died as I didn't deserve a baby by her brother any how. That night she was out of our home, never supposed to return... guess I was mistaken, huh?

Short story on that was, she left J*ordan and *H* to be with another man. Mind you she left *H* alone in the house in a playpen at 15mths old with a note stating: "Being a mother is too much. I have no freedom. I want my life back." (Whole other rant and post... stupid ignorant bitch.) New guy's name was M*att. While with him, she couldn't stop her cheating ways, and he found out. I invited her to *B*'s party, and he decided to bring her here with all her belongings, chaos, and drama.... and drop her off.

Now that she's here she has supervised court ordered visits with *H* with DH, older SIL, or me. She's supposed to be getting a job. (Still haven't seen the likes of that, and even though she has no high school diploma or GED... fast food is below her, or so she thinks. ARGH!) We've been feeding her without any assistance, not that we need it... but we were living comfortably and able to go out and do things, now we're not. She smokes, so does DH (I would like for him to quit but I choose my battles wisely) and he used to go through a carton every 2wks, now it's every 5 days which we can't afford!! The whore is out all night until the wee hours of the morning, and in a month has been with 7 different guys. She's even been talking about getting pregnant again, which I'm afraid if she does I may kill her. Plus, the lazy bitch wants to sleep all day even when I yell and argue with her to get up. She doesn't help do any household chores around here, and she's so lazy I've had to tell her twice she stunk and to take a bath. It's ridiculous. All DH and I have done since she's been here is fight. She's been talking shit about me, and the cheating incident that happened 4yrs ago. She's even told DH to paternity test *B*, and she would pay for it. I've came thisclose to thumping her so many times since she's been here I can't count them on both hands. On top of all this she calls J*ordan not daily like she should to check on *H* occasionally when she's craving drama, and starts arguments with him on the phone.

The sad part of all this is, DH and I weren't in the best of places when she came here. Her coming to live with us was unexpected. DH and I haven't been right since my m/c in April, and her being here has only drove a wedge deeper into our already frail relationship. Even worse part is.... she knows this. She does things purposely to make me or *B* cry and when I go to DH about it, b/c still to this day have to walk on egg shells around her; he shrugs it off like it's no big deal it's just what she does ignore it. When she was a child I was raising it was so much easier... now she's a parent herself (or at least she's supposed to be) I can't ignore her ignorance, b/c it's not bliss. But, I can honestly see us in divorce court if things keep on the way that they are, and b/c my DH has this huge kind loving heart of gold... he's not putting her out regardless of what she does wrong. I'll have to do it and risk the backlash that comes with it when him and I fight b/c she'll be homeless due to burning every tie and bind she's ever had.

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Any way, in other un-H*attie involved news... *B*'s not going to preschool after all this year. I wanted him to go, and way back in the spring DH wanted him to, too. But, as DH has let buddies of his work out of our garage that have foul mouths, and DH has one around them too... you guessed it. *B* has a potty mouth as well. Since we have to pay for pre-school in our area, I refuse to let him go, and pay for it when he uses curse words in perfect sentence form and laughs about it. He'll for sure get kicked out of pre-school in the first week or day. I don't want that for him. So, I've decided since he's only 3, that I'll teach him the basics that he doesn't know already this year so he'll have an advantage next year.... and work on not using profanity. Oh and I need discipline tips on this, to btw??? I threaten with soap, but would never do that. I've been taking toys away and doing time out, but it's to no avail. Far from what I got back in the day (smacks to the mouth, hot sauce, and dish soap) I have not a clue what to do. Advice?

In other news, I think I'm finally at peace with my m/c. I'm ready to start TTC again, but my body is not. I've gained almost 20lbs since my m/c, and I need to shed that and then some. Right now I lack energy as my thyroid levels are out of whack again, and my family Dr. is adjusting them. Also, with the live-in we can't afford treatments and meds, let alone a baby. It breaks my heart that she is coming first yet again to our TTC wants and needs. I wish I already had meds from before so that I didn't have to buy them. I know that any RE is going to look at Foll*istim or Gon*alF as a full course line of treatment, and that is out of our price range. I wish that Ohio state law mandated something more than just HMO's offering infertility coverage to employees and PPO's doing diagnostic testing. I mean that is a blessing, but I'm so beyond that. For me and everyone like me in this state once we've found the results out of our testing and know what is causing our infertility dilemmas, we don't have insurance coverage to help us from there. We better hope we have a chicken laying golden eggs or a money tree in our back yards, if we're just middle class citizens like myself.... b/c our savings is shot from previous treatments and our 401Ks are already being repaid to us not to have a loan taken from again from being tapped out for the same reason. Why do treatments have to cost so much? *sigh*

Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get in for a D&C or another lap. I've had one AF since the bleeding from my m/c. I have horrible cramps all the time, but nothing changes on OPKs. All BFNs in sight. When DH and I have sex it hurts. It's never hurt before. There are times that I have to make him stop, and I end up in tears. I've been putting it off for weeks now, but I need to make the call. I'm just scared of what the OB/GYN will find/do. I just know I can't keep going like this.... it's killing our sex life and adding to that wedge.

If you've made it this far, thank you! I had alot I needed to get off my chest and update you on. Hopefully I'll get more computer time, but I guess we'll see. Wish I could password it, but that would just be a fight with DH that I don't want. *sigh* Wish me luck.... I'm hoping my head doesn't spin off into oblivion.