Love Dare- Day 3

Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16

Today wasn't a very hard day either as it's another work day. I had to go see the dietitian today to get on a better eating regiment to control my weight and sugars better, so by the time I got home at 3:45pm DH was already awake. Again we didn't have a lot of time with one another to even be able to fight. We communicated about my future dieting and exercise plans, and when I have to go back to the dietitian. It was a nice day. Again today I packed his lunch bucket, but today I slipped in a hand written note. (We've been short on money since H*attie has been living here, so I didn't buy him anything.) It simply said:

DH,

I wanted to tell you that while you're at work tonight, that even though you probably don't think so... I AM thinking about you and I LOVE YOU with all my heart. I hope that you're having a great night at work.

XOXO,

Me

I'm not sure if he's gotten it yet or even at all, b/c here it is going on midnight and he's had two breaks and still no phone call or nothing. Hopefully. On to tomorrow.

*********

PS: Jenni, I agree with you. I shouldn't sit back and take his verbal abuse as I did in Day 1, and we should do this together. However I know that he'll never do this challenge with me, not in a million years or more. Also, I do usually fight back when he's like that, so for me to bite my tongue is a change. I'm hoping that by doing so maybe he'll realize I'm not fighting back anymore, and by doing so we'll stop fighting pretty much altogether. Only time will tell, but thanks for your comments and concerns it means a lot.

Breast Cancer Scare... No More

I went to the Dr. today and I FINALLY got my mammogram results. They are not the most optimal results, but they could be a whole lot worse. My diagnosis is intraductal papilloma or papillomatosis (meaning multiple growths/papillomas in the breast). Basically long story short is, I have two wart like tissue growths in a milk duct in my breast. Mine happen to be in the same duct. I have swollen lymph nodes, b/c these growths are foreign bodies in my breast that aren't supposed to be there and it's my body's defense mechanism of trying to fight it off. The course of treatment can be evasive to nothing. My course of action per dicussing ever option available with my Dr. is as follows. I will be getting another mammogram in 3mths as well as a ductogram/galactogram (this procedure scares me... a needle is inserted into my nipple while a mammogram is being performed... OUCH!). At this time if there is no negative growth then if I choose nothing will be done and I will continue to have mammograms done every 3mths for the first year and every 6mths to a year following to keep an eye on it. If at this time there is still no negative growth, but my breast is still painful then a surgical procedure will be preformed where I'm cut around my areola and my nipple area is removed in order to go in and remove the affected duct. If there is negative tissue growth then I will still have to have the surgical procedure done, and my long term options and prognosis will be discussed with me at that time. However I guess I can't really title this entry "Breast Cancer Scare... No More" b/c since I do have more than one growth I'm at an increased risk of breast cancer later in life, but it's doesn't totally indicate that I will have it. All women already have a 5-10% breast cancer risk, my risk is just hightened an additional 5-10%, which really isn't that high of a percentage if you think about it. I know receiving this diagnosis was like having a 50lb weight lifted from my chest, I'm just not really looking forward to all the additional testing that comes with it in the year to follow. Here is some reading for you on my diagnosis if you would like to further research it. (It's ALOT of reading actually.) It is also the 25pg printout that my Dr. reviewed with me and gave to me at my appt. today.

Non-Cancerous Breast Conditions Reading

Double Blogging

I committed myself to getting fit this morning. I've been contemplating doing something about my obesity for awhile. I do eat right, I just need to be eating better than right and doing more. So, this morning I started researching different weight-loss blogs and websites as well as diet and exercise blogs and sites and healthy recipe sites. I've complied a list in my bookmarks of different motivational places and printed off a couple dozen recipes. Plus, as I mentioned in my last post about thinking about starting a new blog for this journey..... I have!! The link is below so please check it out if you have time as I'll be blogging there everyday until the progress gets better and noticeable. Don't be alarmed though I'll still be here to ramble on about everyday things, I just didn't want this blog to go from mothering, to infertility, to dieting, and nothing else as I've noticed I've been inching towards that is why I started the new blog.

Baby Steps To Weight Loss

Checking In

I wanted you all to know that have checked in on me that I'm doing alright. There are some things going on at home that I don't have time to go into detail about right now as it's 1:30am and I should be in bed. We're not doing fertility treatments right now..... per Dr's orders, my request, and the fact that I want to find a new Dr. b/c I hate my current clinic. Also, I wanted to document that all it took was an entry about still holding onto hope about the cycle for spot to show up, and the hag to rear her ugly face the following day (9/19/09). I'll be back with another entry soon after I iron out the kinks at home, and I'm thinking of starting a diet/excercise/weightloss blog but I'll let ya'll know all about that when it's a more decent hour for writing..... in the meantime I'm perfectly fine and thanks for checking and caring.

Random Tidbits: Getting Things Off My Mind

I always have so much on my mind that I want to type about, but once I sit here I can never bring fingers to keyboard to put into words what's going on. Things in the land of Baby Dreams have been dull and boring for the most part. This month feels as though it's dragging on for me. Maybe it's b/c I'm eager to jump into the next cycle and I'm on bcps, or maybe it's just the month in general. On Thursday is my last pill before starting the ones to bring on AF. I'm due for an u/s on CD#3 whenever that is. Otherwise things in the baby-making industry are uneventful....well unless you count having ALOT of great sex without all the "do this" and "don't do this" hype that doing it for fertility reasons brings. It's like the stress of things are gone and the bedroom fire is a burning when we're not doing all the treatments. I love it, but it gets to me when it comes time and there's performance anxiety there from knowing that you "have to do it" then. Sorry for all the TMI in my sex life faithful readers.

Any way, in other news.... Can I just say I HATE THE TERRIBLE TWO'S!!! Yep, you read that right. I thought before *B* turned two was bad, boy was I wrong. Within the last week or two, he's started doing the baby grunting and whinning all over again. He throws himself on the floor when being told something to do that he doesn't want to do or if taking something away from him he isn't supposed to have. I hear "No!" more than 100 times a day from him after various requests. His eating habits went down the toilet along with his manners. He's no longer sleeping 10-12hrs a night, but somewhere between 6-8hrs, and no naps which makes for one very irritable mother and child. We put him in a toddler bed finally, only to have to him back in a crib b/c he rolled out, to having him start climbing out of it which he never did before, so he's back in the toddler bed again. I'm just do tired of him thinking he's the boss already...I mean I know he's somewhat spoiled as being the only child right now, but we don't go over board with it. There is no reason he should be acting this way. I guess in motherhood I must take the bad with the good, but for the life me it stressful when there isn't very many good days these days.

Let's see.... Oh I'm dieting again. Well if you want to call it that. Some call it a life style change, so call it what you will. I'm trying to get healthy again and thinner, much thinner. I've been power walking in the mornings when DH comes home, and walking again in the evenings with *B* in tow so it's a slower pace, but still walking. Plus, if *B* manages a nap I try to throw in the 30-Day Shr*ed workout video as well. I'm watching what I eat, being more precise on taking my meds (met*formin). (I'll admit I don't take it as I should. I don't ever miss a dose, but I wasn't strict on taking it once in the morning and once in the evening like I should of been.) I'm cutting out caffiene as much as I can without losing steam. (I'm down to one Diet Sie*rra M*ist a day, and one cup of sweet tea a day.) The rest of the time I'm strictly drinking water. I'm eager to see a difference by my birthday in just 17 days. I guess we'll see.

I've been a bit depressed. I've tried and tried to pin point a specific reason why, but I've come to the conclusion it's a whole mess of things. I could write a book on the disfunctionality of my life, but I won't b/c it's morbid and well depressing. So, I'll just a mention a few things, and that way when I look back on this post and things are going better I won't feel like such a retard for ever thinking as I am. First of all is my sister when she was in town. I felt as though I didn't get alot of time with her. This always happens, but b/c of my stupid naive thinking I some how thought this time would be different since I lived closer to my Mom where she was staying. The more I think about the more I'm realizing that my sister is turning into our mother....only out for one person: herself. It's sad to say it, but true. Then I've been missing my In-laws ALOT. I read all of your entries where you talk about doing this or that with them and even them getting on your nerves, and I don't have that. I had a close relationship with both of them, and I miss them terribly. It saddens me to the core that they're not around to be able to watch their grandson grow up. He's just like his Daddy and they would be so proud, while my own Mom could care less about seeing or talking to her daughter let alone her grandson. She has her favorites, and sadly he's not one and he's such a blessing. Why can't her and my step-dad just see that?

Then there is how quickly *B* is growing into a big boy. Each day another baby feature fades away, and it scares the hell out of me b/c I don't know if I'll ever get to experience that again with another baby. My future is not a given and there is no guarantee that I will be a mother of two or even three like I so desperately dream about. Then there is my marriage, maybe it's just me and everything going on that I'm already depressed about amplifying these feelings, but sometimes I feel something is wrong. Sure the sex is amazing, but when we're not in the bedroom we could be a million miles apart from one another and it wouldn't matter. I love him, and I've made mistakes it's no lie. I know he loves me too, but I wish he would show it more than he does....I wish he would show it like he used to at the beginning of our marriage. Maybe he doesn't and I'm just blind to it, but it hurts my heart to think maybe we're drifting in different directions possibly not meant for each other. Or maybe I'm just crazy and it's all the hormones I've been on making me think out of whack. Who knows? I guess we'll just keep on trucking along until we hit either get off the bumpy road to the paved way or hit a road block. Only time will tell, b/c it heals all.

Oh, there's H*attie as well, this girl has been through alot and done alot to get her life out of whack then back on track. Her and J*ordan are back together again raising *H*, and do I get a thank you? Nope, and I've even praised him for being such a good father lately only to have it backfire on me. I used to see two of the three of them almost every weekend before we moved. Now we live a 7min drive further away than where we did and NEVER see them. It's too far. I don't get that. They break my heart and I miss them, yet to tell them that makes no difference. My older SIL lived directly across the street from us before, now they see her like they used to see us, and to see us is "Too much gas, or too far away." Please!!!! I wish they could just see all we've done for them and be greatful, yet I know that will probably never happen.

Since I've rambled on enough, I'll leave you all with my peace and blessing that everything you want in your life may come true. Best wishes!!

Happy New Year

A new year... a new set of hopes.... and another resolution. Like so many of us I think that we put so much emphasis on the dropping on the ball as a new leaf being turned for us. For myself, I guess I'm one of the followers, b/c I do the same. At the beginning of every new year I feel so full of hope as though something miraculous will occur and forever my life will change. I start into the new year each time with the hopes of something new panning out before the year concludes, always ALWAYS to have my hopes crushed come the dropping of the ball for the next new year. I naively follow old wives tales (eating sour kraut and pork for your first meal in the new year for good luck and kissing a loved one right as the ball drops) each year, which I know are lame but traditional, and still do these things change the outcome of what lies ahead? Nope, probably not. So, now that my hopes for 2008 never came full circle and the year is gone, with 2009 upon us I'm left with new hopes. I'm leery as to put them to words as though it may jinx there ability to come true, but as part of my newest New Year's resolution I'm putting myself out there. So,

my resolutions for 2009:
-live in the moment, don't over analyze just let whatever happens happen, and if I feel out of control go with it, it might be the defining moment in 2009 that changes my life
-try to be more manageable and organized
-I've always wanted to lose "x" amount of weight each year, so this year I'm going to say get fit, adapt a healthier lifestyle, and stick to it
-start and finish with no days missed The Biggest Loser Challenge: Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred workout video

my hopes for 2009:
-to stick with and resolve ALL my New Year's resolutions
-to get a bfp, and maintain the pregnancy with little to no complications and have a happy healthy baby
-that my family will find peace in themselves and guidance to perserveer and grow and that they will be able to do this themselves without having to rely on DH or myself
-to grow as a person and find more "ME" time if at all possible

Best wishes to each of you and Happy New Year. I hope each of your resolutions you stick to and your hopes and dreams come true for this year.

12 Days of Baking...

Feel free to share your's I have!!!

You've heard of the 12 days of Christmas, well in this house it usually is the 12 days of baking madness. I absolutely LOVE to bake, but I've been doing so good diet wise. I'm down 38lbs in 6mths. So, this year presents a new challenge, b/c Lord knows I love to lick the bowl after each goody I make...LOL. Every year since I've been on my own with DH and now *B* I've always been elected to do the family treat/goody nibbler platter with cookies, fudges, candies, and what-not. I swear I have to start 12 days before Christmas to get everything done so I'm not in a big rush. This year I was trying to think of things I could make that were no-bake/no or less fuss, just as tasty, and I could double up more than a couple things in one day without losing my mind. I've came up with a few that aren't going to be too time consuming and I think I'll be able to cut it down to 5-6 days. Thankfully the week of Christmas DH is on vacation so I'll be able to be in the kitchen doing what I need without little hands tugging on my apron strings...LOL.

But, I thought I would ask if anyone has any favorite sweet treat finger food recipes that they like to make this time of year or anytime of year really that they would like to share in my comments? If you have something no -bake, fat free or low-cal major plus, if not that's fine too...b/c I'm losing now if I gain I'll just re-lose it again. No worries. Happy Holidays. I'll share my fav recipe in my comments first.

GYN Appt. Tomorrow

I hate paps with a passion, after having Drs. be down there regularly when I was doing infertility treatments. It just so happens that tomorrow I have my annual pap...ARGH! I'm not looking forward to it, but hey who does look forward to getting their hoo-haw poked and prodded at. On the uppity-up I'm going to ask what the game plan is for TTC#2 treatment wise, and if (more like who) I'll be being referred to this time to have injections jabbed in me in hopes of adding baby #2 to the family. I'll let you all know what I find out wish me luck.

On the plus side....I'm sure the Dr. will be happy that I'm down to 215lbs from 242lbs. GO ME!!!

Tying Up Loose Ends (Updates on Things)

Alright so I've wrote about a few things in previous entries that I really should bring you all up to speed on. First of all though.....I want to say there is two other entries before this one with pics of the little monster so check those out.

So here is the hype on what has been going on here. I've passed one kidney stone finally, and it hurt like hell. I still have 2 more to pass, but they are starting to break apart and shrink in size....YAYYY!!! On TTC#2 aspects, we've decided to wait until my annual exam next month before we jump into that train wreck again. I'm not looking forward to it, but if we want another I know it has to be done. Currently I'm on a weight-loss venture. I'm toying around at 220lbs right now give or take, which is a huge improvement from the 242lbs that I was back in March. So, some improvement, but I know I need more in order to get a BFP and sustain a successful pregnancy. So, we'll see what next month brings weight-wise and TTC-wise.

DH was just on vacation this past week, and I loved every minute of him being home. He spent so much time with *B* and they bonded alot. So, much so that when DH went back to work tonite *B* bawled at the door for a good 10min until I picked him up then another 30min or so in my arms. Breaks my heart, but I'm glad he's a Daddy's boy too. DH is doing good, working alot which is good for catching up and clearing up our debt. Bad for him b/c it's so hot and he works in a factory and is exhausted by the time he gets home. Otherwise he's good too.

I think I made mention of Hattie being pregnant again. A couple months back she was pregnant and made it to about 20wks and had a little boy prematurely. He didn't make it of course, b/c it was way to early. She had him b/c she acquired an infection that sent her into pre-term labor. Any way, she just found about a couple weeks ago that she's pregnant again, and for twins. However she needs prayers. Two sacks were found, but only one heart beat. She's had some spotting but nothing serious. She's on bedrest, but scared to death of losing another baby. She goes back to the Dr. this Thurs. for more bloodwork and another u/s to see what is to become of Baby#2. I feel really bad for her b/c she is already beside herself with grief over all of this and losing Hunter as well. So, if you have a moment send up a prayer for her, we would appreciate it.

Let's see at the beginning of June we took a four day weekend trip to KY to see my sister, pick up our pup, and attend my sister's baby shower.

Cousin C*ourtney and *B*:

DH posing infront of a chopper on base in KY:

Any way, I'm an aunt again now. She had little B*rylei A*nn on June 27th. She weighed in at 6lbs12oz and 20 1/2in long. She's so tiny, but definitely a cutie and a keeper.

All of my sister's kids (step and full):

I'm still waiting on my step-brother's fiancee to have their little girl. She's due in 20 days. Plus, I found out that my step-sister that is only 6months younger than me is expecting now too. She's due on Jan.22, 2009. I'm excited for her as well.

I think that is about it on the home front. Things are going really well here. I don't have much time for updating as I'm constantly running after and playing with *B*. Plus, we've just been enjoying fun times in the sun outside here at the house or at the pool. Hopefully, now that I'm caught up on things I'll stay that way. Hope that all of you are enjoying Summer'08 as well!!!

Trying Weekend and Other Ramblings

This weekend was no better than the following week or weekend for that matter. DH and I fought ALOT. He has a tendency to get on my nerves more while AF is around, or maybe it's just that I notice his obnoxiousness more during that time....who knows. Any way, it was pointed out by him that I'm psycho. Imagine that. I'm sleep deprived, have no help around here, no time to myself, and a 7 month old who is in his clingy attached to Mama's hip stage, and I'm PSYCHO!!!! Whatever!!! Any way, I must admit that I think I need to be back on my anti-depressants or some equivelent to them. My nerves are shot. I thought that I was doing good without the happy pills, but turns out....not so much. I'm not depressed though that's the thing, it's more just my nerves and lack of patience at the moment. But I find me scaring myself with my comments and actions, and that bothers me. I'm at my breaking point there is no doubt about that. So, I'm calling a Dr. (note to self: must find a new Dr. that I like first) and going to get this taken care of ASAP. Also, I am going to have to find it deep within myself to get along with DH until then. It is going to be a struggle of course, but I (we) can't go on like this, being at each other's throats and what-not.

In other news....I've started dieting. I'm doing rather well in eating healthy, I just have to fit excercise in there somewhere. Before *B* I was so conscious of my eating habits. While pregnant with him, I let that all go down the drain. I mean I ate healthy don't get me wrong, but after a healthy meal or snack, I would scavenge the pantry or fridge for something equally unhealthy. Since *B* has came along, I guess I'm still in that mode of things. I don't do it at much as I did while pregnant with him, but I still catch myself doing it occasionally. So, on what the nation should declare as "The Men's Holiday" (aka: Super Bowl Sunday) I put out all the junk food that was in the house for the party that we had. What didn't get ate went to the garbage can afterwards (which wasn't very much). Now, with day one in the books...I sit here craving chocolate like crazy, but doing well. I ate well today which is a HUGE accomplishment on my part. My plan is to do this week with cutting out all the junk, making sure I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day that are healthy, and try to fit in excercise if I can. Next week, my plan is to eat the same of course, but DEFINITELY get in at least 3 workouts within the week. I have faith in myself that I can do, it's just going to be hard. I once read that it takes 21 days to develop a bad habit, and then 42 days to break it, so I'm not expecting the change over night, but I have to stay strong if I'm going to do this.

So, starting yesterday (if DH and I are still on the same page come then) there is T-minus 57 days and counting until I'm scheduled to go back to the rude Dr., and for me to get some of this weight off so that if (and that's a big IF) things are better we will resume TTC#2 then. At present time in the state that things are in TTC#2 is the least of my worries, so I'm not holding my breath for that, but I am in the weightloss dept. Wish me luck!!