Finding Myself

For so long I have let so many things around me define me, other than me. I've been "the older sister" when it came to my eight siblings. I'm "the listener" when it comes to my friends. I'm "the in-law-less one that raised her teenage SIL to adulthood" when it came to losing DH's parents and raising H*attie. I became "DH's wife" when I married him. The thing that I let define me the most was my infertility. It still defines. I'm the "Infertile" one. I've spent so many years dealing with the depression that I've consumed myself with from this diagnosis, and still on days/weeks/months (like this past one) it capsulates my every thought, emotion, and action. Since becoming "*B*'s Mom" I've tried so desperately hard to seperate myself from that label. But, never have I fully detached myself from such a hard and harsh label.

Unfortunately as time passes and we continue to TTC#2 even after the m/c, I can't shake the label. It's defining me again, and even more so I feel. I can't get away from the looks of pity and regret from others, or their questions and comments about adding to our family. I see the change in the mirror and on the scale that the grief toll has taken on my body. I'm no longer a size 10. I have bags under my eyes, and lots of mornings I wake with puffy eyelids from crying myself to sleep. I'm getting tiny wrinkles even, and I'm only 26. I analyze our marriage and know that this is where we fell and are falling apart at. I'm tired of feeling tethered to this label, this definition that has consumed so much of my adult life.

Today, I realized how miserable I truely am being defined as things I do not wish to be labeled as any longer. Today, I finally pulled my head from my ass and woke up. Today, I put my foot down and decided it was time for change. Today, I start finding me... the me I want to be. The me that is not labeled by others or things in her life. Today, is the first day down a new road into the land of unknown... and I'm scared to death, yet thrilled to finally be finding myself and breaking free from it all. Today is the first day of the rest of my life without dragging around a ball and chain that has a label on it. Today, I start living for me and letting others know I'm living for me too. Today is the day...

Second Beta Results

You know the old saying "No news is good news?" That's not always the case. I got the results of my second beta, and they were not what I wanted at all. Honestly with my first number so high so early, I didn't expect my second number to fall. But, I've have a history of m/c and chemical pregnancies. I blame this on stupid sensetive tests, and the fact that they are so sensetive or else I would not of even known I was pregnant more than likely. I blame this loss on my body and how messed up and defective it is. I wanted this baby, I wanted a sibling for my son, I was already attached and I didn't even realize how much. My first draw was 101, my second was 82. I held such high hopes for this BFP, for this pregnancy. Now I'm left questioning and feeling empty. I cried myself into exhaustion. So much exhaustion that I fell asleep with *B* last night at 8:30pm and slept until 9:30am this morning. I wish that there was more that I could of done or that my Drs could of done to make sure that this didn't happen. I'm so upset and mad. I don't understand it. I also feel like I'm dealing with this alone. Of course I have all my online and bloggy friends that are wrapping me in support and care, but here at home... not so much. When I told DH, he was "What do you want me to do about it?" We squabbled a bit and I told him to care more. He never cares enough, or if he does he certainly doesn't show it. I would of liked nothing more than for him to come home from work and hug me, hold me, let me cry into his chest... didn't happen. Still didn't happen this morning. Why does m/c not affect men like it does women... it's their loss too damnit?!?! I tried to talk to my sister about it, but never got the words out in the 3min we were on the phone before she had another call coming in and never called me back. I mean how do you tell people that you're losing a baby (you haven't yet, but you will) that you just told days ago that you were having? Not the easiest task, I assure you. Sometimes I just wish in early pregnancy that there was a magic wand or test that you could take or wave over your stomach and know if this was going to happen. Other than a blood test ya know? Something that would let you know at home before you opened your big fat mouth and told everyone so you didn't feel so stupid and upset when you had to tell them the bad news just what seems like moments later.

I hope one day to add to our family of three. I hope one day to give *B* a sibling. I hope one day to give DH another child. I hope one day to carry another pregnancy to term and have another bubbly baby. I hope one day that I won't feel so hurt, depressed, defective, broken or withdrawn. I hope one day that I will forever not have to wear the scarlet letters IF or Pregnancy Loss... but today will not be that day. Honestly I don't know if those days will ever come at this point, b/c they've been burnt into my flesh and will always remain. They are my battle wounds, my scars, my hurt, my pain, my loss... but for today I just wish it wasn't me.

Metformin Hell

Here I am back again in the beginning stages of Metformin hell. I hate with the greatest of passions taking this medicine for my PCOS. But if it helped with the conception of *B*, I know it'll help for our TTC#2 attempts so I take it regardless. For the longest time though I hadn't been taking any. Simply b/c I hadn't been into a Dr. (RE) that I saw eye to eye (re: clicked with)with to get on the meds and get back into treatments after my last script of it ran out. Then I saw my family Dr. I discussed with him my want need to be back on this medicine while I wait to get into an RE of my liking. With much persuasion on my part and some testing to make sure I wasn't completely off my rocker, he agreed. I'm on 850mgs twice daily and I hate it!! (Not sure how I ever took 1000mgs twice a day before?!?!) I have all the side effects that I had when I started it before back in 2004. My stomach is an awful mess, and I'm only on day #3. I know it gets easier to take, but for the life of me at this point I can't remember and I feel like I'm dying. *sigh* The only things getting me through this is the fact that I know Metformin gives me the extra little perk of weight loss (woot, woot) and that I'm hoping to eventually see another BFP that will result in baby #2. Wish me luck, b/c I could definitely quit taking it again and it not bother me in the slightest at this point. Ugh! Hope ya'll are having a better weekend than me.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Tonite has been a difficult night and the emotional roller coaster hasn't came to a stop yet. I have to admit that taking care of an on the mend child with one good arm has posed to be a task in and of itself. I really can't wait until March 4th when I get this hot pink cast off my broken non-surgery needing appendage. My house chores are piling up and I feel like I'm constantly walking through and looking at clutter. I couldn't take it any more tonite and I had a break down on the phone with my little brother's mom. Bless her heart she came and saved the night and helped me out. She washed my dishes for me, bathed *B*, and scrubbed stains out of some clothes so I could throw them in the washer. I feel so helpless at times (you'd be amazed at the things you do that you need 2 thumbs for and what you can't do when one is casted up), and like I'm a burden on others so I don't open my mouth and ask for help. However I'm scared to ask for help at times too, b/c I don't want people to think I'm helpless or incapable when clearly I'm not.... just a little handicapped for the moment. And I fear being told "No!" just as if I were a child or teenager, as funny as that sounds.

While she was here though she got the tears a flowing talking about the past and how my Dad has been and snapped out of and is slowly falling back into a lifestyle I dread. We talked about how DH almost a year ago made me give my dogs away and I felt like I was giving away a piece of my heart and my children, just b/c they "locked up" while the one was in heat. We talked about how my Dad has the one dog, and he lives right next door and I know he doesn't care for him appropriately but how DH refuses to let me have him back. And she even cared enough to sit and listen to my complete infertility battle that she didn't know about, and how we're struggling again and we can't afford to do another injectible cycle for awhile b/c we've tapped out all our savings and have crappy insurance that doesn't cover that part of it (or anything really unless it's diagnostic). It felt good to talk to someone that didn't have a clue about infertility, but listened thee entire time and cared whole heartedly.

But of course she had to leave and go home so I'm left here with a brain full of scramble working overtime. So, here I sit serving up a pity party of one, b/c while DH and I both know our fertility fate and the course of treatment telling another person makes it more real.... and well that makes my heart break. I've just been having a hard time dealing with this and feeling really overwhelmed with the mix of everything else. It doesn't help that I have friends and family having babies #2, 3, 4, etc. Or that I have very few in real life people that have been through what I have been through (scratch that actually.... maybe a fraction of what I've been through) and I don't feel as though I can really connect to them. Trust me I try, but our stories and battles are so different now. Plus I offer support (I've always been a giver) but I feel like now when I need it the most they're not doing the same for me. I realize they each have their own lives no big deal, but seriously is it to much to answer the phone when I call and say I'm busy versus me getting voicemail all the time? Guess so. There is one specifically that I don't want to go into name or much detail about, but I just feel betrayed and lied to and manipulated and put off by her constantly. I guess keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

All I know is tonite I long for another child something fierce. *B* talks about wanting Mommy to give him a brother (personally I'd like a sister but healthy is all that matters), and my heart aches. I wish TTC weren't this difficult or such a money suck for us. All I can do is continue to pray that possibly between now and then I either win the lottery to pay for treatments or I'm blessed with a natural conception again. *sigh*

My Body is Toying With Me

It seems the hag is late. Which is no surprise to me, b/c well never in my life has she came as planned. So, to add insult to injury I put a HPT in my cart yesterday while I was picking up wrapping paper to start wrapping *B*'s Christmas presents. I rushed straight home (b/c as my body likes to play tricks on my mind I could swear that I had sore boobs and uterine twinges which for me are a common sign of pregnancy) to pee on that stick. I was hoping so desperately to see two blissfully wonderful pink lines so that I may have my Christmas miracle and not feel left in the dust while everyone around me seems to be reproducing like rabbits. Of course BFN. I hate it that even after starring at so many of those sticks looking like that, that it never fails I have hope while I see the pee move across the window. AF will be a happily rolling in though as I've been an up and down hormonal bitch all weekend. Guess I'll still be looking ahead to my new RE appt. in January. I can't wait!!

Hung Out To Dry

That is exactly how I feel these days. Try as I might to be ok with this past cycle I just can't move forward. I don't understand how I could have 3 glorious follicles on ultrasound, give myself a trigger shot and still not ovulate one of them. I feel clueless to infertility all over again like when I was first diagnosed, and just beginning my research on my diagnosis. This was a curve ball thrown my way and it's hard to wrap my head around it let alone think about it. I went to see my Dr. so I could speak with him about the goings-on in his office, how I felt as though I slipped through the cracks and about as to why I didn't ovulate even after using the HcG injection. His answers were summed up in placing blame on my PCOS. He said that even though there are adequate sized follicles present does not mean with the HcG boost they will release with PCOS. That a woman with PCO producing an extra hormone that develops a resistance in this task, which has became the case for me this go-round. I hate my dysfunctional ovaries. I hate my body. I'm crampy, emotional, and irritable but AF still hasn't visited. Not that I would welcome her presence none-the-less. It makes me cling to hope that maybe the lab work for my progesterone level was wrong. I mean for the past 4months I've been having AF on my own, no inducing of her necessary. I guess this false sense of hope makes me a stupid infertile woman. Lord knows, heck I know, this is a hopeless cycle. It's a bust. Why can't my head and my heart be on the same page about that?

Next course of treatment doesn't hold any hope to me either as there are not many changes from this time. He's increased my dosage of Met*formin from 2- 850mg tablets a day to 2- 1000mg tablets a day hoping it brings down the reaction in my ovaries and body. I'm not doing any type of treatment for the coming month other than that. Then once late October early November's AF arrives I'm getting a baseline u/s done on CD3, Cl*omid 150mg CD3-7, Menopur 225iu everyday starting on CD5, E2 levels every other day starting on CD7, u/s everyday starting on CD9 (this part is different from last time), triggering this time when a dominant follicle reaches 22-24mm instead of 18-20mm. And we've even though there are no sperm issues we've been what I feel like is only to be put as "bullied" into an IUI.

So, now you can tell where my title came from.... that is pretty much what this office is doing to me. Hanging me out to dry, b/c they didn't get me pregnant before and had to refer me off where all I heard there was my only options were IVF, so they don't really care one way or the other if they get me pregnant with #2, b/c they can just do the same thing again. Here's the kicker to there bullshit fertility lines and treatments I conceived *B* naturally after trying for almost 6yrs. 3yrs of those with treatments and a hyper-stimulated cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage. Something clicked in my body back then after that, now if only this stupid Dr. would listen to me about all the meds I was on then, maybe we could get there again naturally without all the need of modern medicine. If only.

Shattered Hopes & Splattered Dreams

I'm done. AF hasn't arrived. However, I thought I had the courage and strength to continue trying, but I can't handle feeling this way. I remember how infertility and treatments before took me to the very lowest points of feeling in my life. I had such high hopes every cycle, and I would continually get them crushed yet go back for more. I hated feeling like that, and I lost faith in God during that time. I can't say that I have as strong of a relationship with Him now I did once, but it is better since having *B* and I don't want to return to that agony, misery, and bitterness again. Any way, I found out today that despite doing everything right, and timing everything just how I was supposed to..... that I didn't ovulate. I don't understand this cycle or my body at all. I had three amazing looking follicles of perfect size, I did the HcG trigger injection, and yet I didn't ovulate. I just don't understand it. I'm confused yet not surprised. I continued to use OPKs after the trigger shot until my CD21 progesterone level draw, and never had two dark lines on any of them, and I was doing them morning and evening EVERYDAY. My results today that I sweet talked the lab tech into giving me since my Dr.'s office didn't call me back like they were supposed to on Fri. and give them to me were 0.4 meaning an annovulatory cycle. I'm not sure how this is possible?? Anyone any ideas, b/c I've scoured the internet today trying to come up with answers to fill in the blanks and I still have blanks.

To top it off, I'm fed up with my Dr's office. I love my Dr. He's an excellent physician and caring man, but the nurses his office is staffed with are neurotic insensitive morons. Most of them are new, a couple have no gynecological/obstetric/infertility experience. They don't relay messages appropriately. I'm having to give each one my patient history each time I call in b/c they're too stupid to pull up my name on their laptop in front of their faces. They don't return phone calls until you blow up their phone or voicemail. And, when ever I call in toward the end of a cycle after my patient run through the first question is always "Are you pregnant?" instead of "what can I do for you?" or something of that nature which is like a knife to the already emotionally sensitive heart. I felt as though the past 2-2 1/2 months I fell threw the cracks in that office. So, I'm in the process of finding a new Dr. One that I'll feel comfortable with and one that will treat me with respect not only as a regular OB/GYN patient but an infertility patient as well, and so will her/his nurses. In the meantime, I'm done with treatments and I'm on a weight loss mission, b/c unfortunately treatments combined with a little depression has helped me to pack on a few extra pounds that I don't want.

For now I'm off to snuggle with *B*, for I am so blessed to be his mother. And every minute with him helps to heal my ever aching heart. Thanks everyone for your support and prayers this cycle, just wish it would of played out differently.

Follicle Scan Was Today

The results are in and I'm super pleased and EXCITED!! I'm on CD12, and super amazed at how well this cycle went. My protocol never had to be changed thankfully. My E2 rised like it was supposed to. Today at 11am I saw the most amazing sight on u/s. I had a bunch of tiny little follies no bigger than 12mm on my left ovary, and on my right ovary (the one I've been having some tenderness in) were 3 beautifully sized follies measuring at 17mm, 18mm, and 20mm. I also had a bunch of little ones in that same ovary but no bigger than 9mm. I'm to give myself one more Me*nopur injection tonite of 225iu, and then tomorrow night the trigger shot. Please ladies send some baby dust my way, b/c with follies like these I really need it. Thanks and I'll keep you posted.

Cycle Update

As you all should know I'm admist another cycle. I've had a couple of comments on what the protocal is, so I thought I would put it out there. Of course this is subject to change at anytime, but roughly this is what we're looking at for this cycle. I take Cl*omid on CD3-7. Then I do Me*nopur 150iu everyday starting on CD5. It's going to be CD5-12 and a follical scan on CD12 with more after that if needed. E2 every other day starting at CD8. I am getting the trigger shot this time, but since we have no sperm issues we won't be doing IUI. Will I regret that? Maybe, but I'm not trying to pessimistic just yet and I still have room to change my mind on that issue. I would prefer to conceive this child as we did *B*.... the more natural way (ya know in the bed). So, I guess my conscience will be the force to be reckoned with when the outcome of this cycle is laid out for me.

Any how I'll be getting back to my regularly scheduled program writing within the next day or so, b/c I have ALOT to pound out, and some free time. So, stay tuned.

Quick Update

For the only moment I have I wanted to stop by and let you all know that I'm still alive. DH has been on vacation this past week and rather than travel we've been doing things close to home. When I have more time (probably when he's back at work, b/c right now either we're on the go or I'm keeping myself busy cleaning so I don't blow up on him) I promise I'll post a more detailed entry about what is going on in the land of Baby Dreams. But for the most part I wanted to pop in and say "Hello, I'm still alive!" Plus, I wanted to make note that I started Clomid today and I start stimming Monday, b/c AF arrived on my Crappy Happy 26th Birthday. Damn that curse of the 13. (I'll explain it later...but chicky you know what I mean.)

BCPs For Me

I'm so angry with my body. Just once I wish the damned thing would do what I want it to. I had an u/s this morning to make sure there weren't any residual follicles/cysts left from last cycle and sure enough there is one 14mm one on my right ovary. ARGH! So, I'm taking this next month off and taking a packet of bcps to shrink said follie. Got to love the waiting game of fertility treatments. ERRRR!

On a side note the plus side is I know my protocol for next month...and it's VERY aggressive. I'm semi-excited!

Should of Known Better

All the cycles before this one and all the BFNs, and then I obtain the greatest miracle of all,my son, "Au natural". I should of known better than to get my hopes up thinking that this would be the one. Especially since stimming wasn't as productive as the Dr. and myself would have hoped. Heck fertility treatments only left me with this huge gaping hole in my heart and yearning; and never produced anything but heartache and misery for me. So, any way the nasty hag arrived today. I had a nice cry in the shower, and she's early but it's definitely her. On to next cycle. I can only try to think positively and wish that this one will be it. However discouragement is upon me. *Sigh*

Ovulation Has Occured

WOOT!! I was starting to get depressed thinking these little follies were never going to make a difference in this cycle, that it was all going to be for nothing. I've been using OPKs everyday, and low and behold yesterday I had two BEAUTIFUL DARK lines. Today there was just one. So, I'm due for testing in 14days, and a beta on July 13th (more than 14days which I may request one sooner if I see a BFP on an HPT) if no AF. (That old hag had better not be showing her face around here for 9months....LOL fingers crossed.) Any way, so that is how things this cycle have shaped up. Fingers crossed all the BDing we've been doing has worked. Heck, I think we might just get in one more for good measure tonite. Least I get some fun out of this hormonal hell. I'll keep you posted.

Cycle Update

Here I am CD14. My E2 level is still lower than it should be at this point. I have 2 dominant follicles, one on each ovary. They were measuring 15mm, and now only 2 days later from the first u/s they are just measuring 16mm. Not what they were expected to have been measuring at this point. I've done 4 shots, 3 at 150iu and 1 at 225iu. My belly is bloated, bruised, and looks like a warzone took place on it. Both ovaries are absolutely killing me. No more injections for this cycle though. The course of action is to continue to hope for follicular growth, use OPKs everyday throughout the week, and get a CD21 progesterone level draw done. I'm pretty bummed about the outcome thus far, but I haven't lost hope. For documentation purposes my E2 stands at 113 right now after being in the 60's then 80's. Keep those prayers a coming, and I'll keep you posted as changes develop.

More Nerve Than I Thought

So, I went for my E2 level this morning. The number was a bit low, but still on the good range of things for where it should be at this point. However, the Dr. told me that I needed to do another shot. Of course just my luck, DH had to go back to work tonite too. So, I mixed the vials, and prepared my skin for the injection. He had given me two already that didn't really hurt, just stung a little on the first one when the med went in b/c I believe he pushed it too fast. So, I took a deep breath and did it!!! It wasn't all that bad. I didn't give myself time to even think about it this time, b/c I knew I would just psych myself out again. I hate to say it but I didn't even flinch, sad that I'm becoming immune to this pain already. *B* was so cute afterward too, he kissed my injection site and said "Mommy boo-boo all bet-tah." He's such my sweet boy, and this would be so much harder this time around without him.

E2 re-check on Wednesday as well as an u/s. I'll keep you posted.

*Warning* If you get queasy with these types of things don't scroll on!!





Here is documentation of my bravery. I'm sooo proud of myself!!

I'm Such A Baby!!

Here it is CD9, and I've got all my meds for this cycle (so far) in me. However, I couldn't inject myself. I was too nervous and scared. Last time I got the shots given to me in the office by the nurses, b/c I wasn't able to go to the injectible class to learn how to do them. So, this time around I was given a DVD and had to do it myself. DH had to do it actually. I was shaking so bad with the first injection that I dropped the syringe. After I explained to him how to do it, he was all to eager to inflict pain on me. I could of smacked him...LOL. He said it was his pay back for having to deal with me being bitchy all week on the C*lomid. I go for my E2 levels in the morning, and my first u/s is on Wednesday. I'm hoping that I don't have to do anymore shots, as I've been doing them around 8pm and DH works 7pm-7am, so he won't be here to give them to me, and I'll have to do them myself which I don't think I can do. Any way I'll keep you all posted, keep your fingers crossed for us.

Provera Done

Ten long days it took to finish this horrible medicine that will induce AF. Now it's just a waiting game until her presence. After that it's onto C*lomid and M*enopur. Wish us luck... I hope this is our cycle!!!

Completely Moved and The Lowdown Otherwise

I swear I think we moved in record timing. We found out about the new place, signed the papers, and in a week we were packed and moved out of the old place. Our ex-landlady is smoking hot mad too, but whatever. Her daughter (who was my friend) is also now a bad-mouther of sorts. They've just been running DH and I into the ground about moving and giving "said landlady" only a week and a half notice. Guess it doesn't matter any way.... I found out today she's got the old place rented already, so I'm not exactly sure what her problem is except the fact that she's an "itch" with a capital "B". Enough with the crap though.

So, we're moved. I LOVE THE NEW PLACE!!! I can not say that enough. We doubled our sq. footage, and we're buying it on land contract right now. Well, here's the deal actually.... DH and I have a couple discrepancies on our credit report that we're currently paying on. We told the current owner of this, and he agreed to make a contract that we would pay him a set monthly amount for one year, then he would take half the amount that we paid for the year and use that as a down payment for us. At the end of the year we can try to see if we can get a loan (fingers crossed we're able to), if not he'll continue to take the amount agreed upon monthly until we have paid him in full the amount he is asking for the house, garage, and property. So, either way at the end of so many years we'll be home owners whether it be through him or a bank/finance company.

In the midst of all the moving AF never arrived. I'm totally aggravated by this, and my Dr. is stumped as to why after directly coming off bcps I didn't start. I'm assuming the stress factor had alot to do with it, but whatever. Any way, I start taking pro*metrium tomorrow night for the issue. Also, *drum roll please* my protocol was changed on treatments. Not entirely, but I bypassed a step I wasn't looking forward too repeating, and I'm getting right down to business. I'm doing Clo*mid (as I mentioned) but now combined with Men*opur. As of right now my directions are to take the oral meds CD3-7, then on CD8, CD10, and CD12 (if need be) inject myself with 150iu of the injectible. I've done this before. Right before *B*, and resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I must say I'm scared, petrified actually; but there is a large part of me that is super excited and I have so much faith in this and I have a calmness.... almost like a knowing that this is the right cycle and the right time. It's strange. It took alot of persuading on my part to get my Dr. to get down to business, but I put it on the line for him that I would just seek out a Dr. that would and he would lose me as a patient and my money....and BOOM! he was writing out the scripts.

In other news..... my fun loving sister makes her way home in exactly one month. I'm looking forward to it. I miss her desperately, and I'm glad she'll be here for *B*'s 2nd birthday. Also, just for mentioning purposes my brother's fiancee is pregnant again for their third and her youngest isn't even one yet. I hate how they can just have kids without jobs and a means to an end, and here DH and I sit struggling and craving something that comes easily to them. Also, I found out today via another internet site that landlady's daughter who took Clo*mid only 2 cycles got a BFP today. She never had ovulation problems just longer than normal cycles, but begged her Dr. to put her on it, and he did. I guess it makes me a low person for praying it wouldn't happen to her before it happened to me, but it has so now I guess I have to be happy for her? Or maybe not. I'm so offended by everything that's happened that I don't know whether to be her friend or her enemy. I guess what I've always heard is true..."Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." I just don't really have a happy feeling for either of these people's pregnancies, and it pains me to admit but I think the bitterness of infertility is coming back to me with a vengeance.

Finding the Words

There are so many times when I'll be out and about doing something that I could pop off an entry like it weren't nothing, but when I actually have the time to sit and write one I can never think of anything worth making note of. So many things seem to be going on in this house that I could probably write a novel about, but when I actually grasp hold of the concept of writing about them they seem petty. So, with that being said I thought I would drop in and let you all know that things are going fine here with an update of sorts.

The cold that *B* had for what seemed like FOREVER is GONE!!! Woo-hoo! I finally convinced his pedi. to refer us to an imm*unologist/aller*gist and that Dr. right from the beginning of the appt. said allergies. I didn't want to believe that this is what it could be so after much persuading on their part they convinced me to let them do an allergen scratch test on his skin. Sure enough he came back positive for tree pollen, grass pollen, mold, dust, and dander. So, he now has to take Zyr*tec syrup twice a daily on high pollen count days, and once a day the rest of the time until he's 2 and can get weekly allergy shots; as well as an albu*terol breathing treatment as needed. It happens to be a pain in my butt having to do this, but since it makes him better I'm dealing with it. If any of you have tips on getting him to take the meds without him spitting them out or clenching his jaw shut or anything like that I would appreciate your input on it? Oh, and it can't be mixed the Dr. said so that is out of the question.

As, for me I have strep throat. I woke up Mother's Day with a sore throat and fever. While my day ended up being alright despite not feeling well, late that evening after getting the Monster to bed I ended up in the ER, b/c I felt as if I was going to choke to death on my saliva b/c my tonsils were so swollen. I was right too, there was only a fingertip of passageway between each tonsil. So, I got an antibiotic shot in the hip and am on a 10 day one as well. Also, it looks like I'll be getting my tonsils and adenoids out at 25. Never thought that would happen, so I'm scared to death. I have an appt. with the E*N*T Dr. the day after Memorial Day. I'll keep you posted.

Otherwise in the land of Baby Dreams things are mildly rough. DH and I have been at each other's throats. I'm not sure why, it's just been general nit-picking that escalates into full blown brawls. Maybe it's the weather or something in the air, who knows? I know we've both made our mistakes in the past and neither of us around proud of these things, but for some reason they are being brought up in conversation at the most inconvenient of times. I know AF is due to arrive within the week, and we have talked about and decided on C*lomid again as a starting off point. Maybe it's the stress of having to do fertility treatments again getting to him. I just wish he would open up and let me in talk to me about what is bothering him instead of fighting with me about the other. Hopefully once we get started it will be different (if we even get started; yes I have my doubts about doing this again, but not about another child just about how things will turn out, how they will work and putting myself through the pain of it all again). I need a prayer and a blessing I guess, so if you can spare one please do. Otherwise I'll keep you posted as things progress.

Another Lapa*roscopy

UGH! Just thinking of this brings dread to my mind. Being out of commission for a few days just really isn't ideal, since DH doesn't want to take his vacation now and when he does take it I want us to be able to do something fun. But the facts are back in July of 2006 I had a mass on my right ovary. It was thought to be fluid filled but after a month of bcps never reduced in size. So, I had to go in for surgery then. Turns out it was tissue, mostly likely from scarring or something else. It was benign, and it was removed not to return until now. So, it's back bigger, and has been giving me a good deal of pain that I have mistakenly perceived as being kidney pain. I've had a battery of tests ran, and have been encouraged bcps again....however I've decided against them. Something in my gut is telling me to get this taken care of immediately surgically. So, this afternoon I'm back into the Dr. for more testing and hopefully if things play out how I want pre-admissions testing, with the surgery in the next week or two. I'm not looking forward to it, but I don't think anyone would be. My ray of sunshine in the storm (if you can call it that): moving on to TTC#2 with IFTs. Wish me luck!!