You know the old saying "No news is good news?" That's not always the case. I got the results of my second beta, and they were not what I wanted at all. Honestly with my first number so high so early, I didn't expect my second number to fall. But, I've have a history of m/c and chemical pregnancies. I blame this on stupid sensetive tests, and the fact that they are so sensetive or else I would not of even known I was pregnant more than likely. I blame this loss on my body and how messed up and defective it is. I wanted this baby, I wanted a sibling for my son, I was already attached and I didn't even realize how much. My first draw was 101, my second was 82. I held such high hopes for this BFP, for this pregnancy. Now I'm left questioning and feeling empty. I cried myself into exhaustion. So much exhaustion that I fell asleep with *B* last night at 8:30pm and slept until 9:30am this morning. I wish that there was more that I could of done or that my Drs could of done to make sure that this didn't happen. I'm so upset and mad. I don't understand it. I also feel like I'm dealing with this alone. Of course I have all my online and bloggy friends that are wrapping me in support and care, but here at home... not so much. When I told DH, he was "What do you want me to do about it?" We squabbled a bit and I told him to care more. He never cares enough, or if he does he certainly doesn't show it. I would of liked nothing more than for him to come home from work and hug me, hold me, let me cry into his chest... didn't happen. Still didn't happen this morning. Why does m/c not affect men like it does women... it's their loss too damnit?!?! I tried to talk to my sister about it, but never got the words out in the 3min we were on the phone before she had another call coming in and never called me back. I mean how do you tell people that you're losing a baby (you haven't yet, but you will) that you just told days ago that you were having? Not the easiest task, I assure you. Sometimes I just wish in early pregnancy that there was a magic wand or test that you could take or wave over your stomach and know if this was going to happen. Other than a blood test ya know? Something that would let you know at home before you opened your big fat mouth and told everyone so you didn't feel so stupid and upset when you had to tell them the bad news just what seems like moments later.
I hope one day to add to our family of three. I hope one day to give *B* a sibling. I hope one day to give DH another child. I hope one day to carry another pregnancy to term and have another bubbly baby. I hope one day that I won't feel so hurt, depressed, defective, broken or withdrawn. I hope one day that I will forever not have to wear the scarlet letters IF or Pregnancy Loss... but today will not be that day. Honestly I don't know if those days will ever come at this point, b/c they've been burnt into my flesh and will always remain. They are my battle wounds, my scars, my hurt, my pain, my loss... but for today I just wish it wasn't me.