Thursday, April 22, 2010

What If?

This is National Infertility Awareness Week** (NIAW: April 24-May 1). I am an Infertile, and proud to say so and to have so much support in the blogosphere!

"What If despite every effort and exhausting every resource, effort, and finance we have available to us our son is our only child?"

Will DH, *B*, and I be okay with being a family of three? Will I always see sadness in DH's eyes when he looks at our family and friends' families that have more than one child? Will I always wonder in the back of my mind if DH regrets being with me b/c I can't add to our family?

Will I always have a gaping hole in my heart? Will this heart of mine always break when I hear *B* talk about wanting a baby brother or sister? Will I always long for a sibling for my precious *B* more than he does? Will I always think about the babies that we've lost that would of added to our family? Will I be able to tell *B* about those babies lost one day and say, "Son, you would of had a brother or a sister had Mommy's body not been so broken and God not decided that He wanted them with Him b/c they were more precious than for here on Earth."

Will I always feel resentment toward my siblings for being able to conceive without a hint of an infertility problem? And that they are able to have more than one child? And furthermore will my heart always break when they or anyone says “Oh you’ll have another one… just be patient it’s in God’s hands and time,” while they’re popping out another sibling to add to their brood because they have never taken the time to listen to my struggle, know what’s involved, and/or try to understand it or even empathize with my situation?

Infertility is a horribly painful battle it leaves its mark every where. Whether it be the emotional toll from the trying, to the scars from the treatments and/or surgeries, to the stress and strain on relationships, to the depletion of your lives' savings IF has it's mark. It makes us feel inadequate as humans at times, and definitely makes us question much more than we ever thought imaginable. Everyday I pray for a second child, and every day I am let down. Every day I hold anger and resentment towards others b/c they don't struggle, and I find myself lashing out with my bitterness b/c reproducing came so easy to them. I ruin relationships, I push my DH away, he pushes me away. I strive toward the next treatment or appt. not letting myself heal from the last. I run ourselves deeper in debt, but yet I continue to chase that dream. I long for #2 so badly sometimes I can taste it. I did this all before *B* as well. I keep going and going on a downward spiral of misery and despair until there will come a point that I will eventually have to throw in the towel or risk losing it all.

What if we could just be happy as a family of three? What if we could quit "trying" and it come naturally to us or not, and be okay with that? What if this time I/we didn't have to hit rock bottom in the infertility realm before we learn from our mistakes?

Could we be happy truly? Is this feasible? One can only hope while we go on a break, b/c right now I'm just not ready to "try" again.

**For a more basic understanding of Infertility please visit:
Resolve: Infertility 101
and for the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) please visit:
NIAW Take Charge
Also you can check out the original “what if” list here at:


  1. The "what if's" of infertility are the hardest. I hate being in that space where you just don't know what is going to happen next. You don't know how to plan that next step. One of my favorite quotes is,

    "The future is hidden from us by infinite wisdom, Molly, or else I should like to know it; one would calculate one's behavior at the present time so much better if one only knew what events were to come." ~Elizabeth Gaskell (Wives and Daughters)

    It is scary to take each step, not knowing if it will be the right one, and not knowing if it will be the one that will achieve a pregnancy. I hate the way IF seeps into every little recess in your life. Nothing is left untouched. Nothing is sacred.

    All we can do is take things day by day, and remember to take care of ourselves, our family, and our relationships along the way.

  2. Aww chicky I remember you were in this frame of mind of questions and doubts before B came along. I know you will have another child! (believe me.. I KNOW lol) And you and Cody have been together for a long time.. I don't think he doubts being with you.. maybe just wishes that things would come a little easier to you both. And I know the feeling of looking at family and friends and seeing how they just effortlessly had 2+ children and wondering why they get the easy way and you didn't? Just remember that dream I had (it's still vivid.. I'm telling ya baby 2 will be around my wedding and birthday)

  3. This is really moving Project IF post. Thank you for baring your soul out there.

    Happy ICLW!

    ~Miriam (ICLW #75) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

  4. This is my "What if," too ... thanks for posting your thoughts!

  5. Very nice post! We don't have any children yet (fingers crossed!), but I know how you feel. My fear is that once we have one child (again, fingers crossed), our friends and family will no longer have sympathy/empathy for our situation when we struggle to have more. It's a tough road. Best of luck to you!

  6. Stopped by from Project IF...and following.

    Thanks for writing and sharing such a beautiful What If post.

  7. i too have felt like I am running from one treatment to the next without letting myself heal. I am on break too. your little boy is so cute.


  8. Here from Project IF. I hope that once we are able to conceive (and I have to try and see it in a positive light), that if we only have 1 child that we are okay with that....Thank you for sharing your "what if" with us.


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