Monday, September 7, 2009

Shattered Hopes & Splattered Dreams

I'm done. AF hasn't arrived. However, I thought I had the courage and strength to continue trying, but I can't handle feeling this way. I remember how infertility and treatments before took me to the very lowest points of feeling in my life. I had such high hopes every cycle, and I would continually get them crushed yet go back for more. I hated feeling like that, and I lost faith in God during that time. I can't say that I have as strong of a relationship with Him now I did once, but it is better since having *B* and I don't want to return to that agony, misery, and bitterness again. Any way, I found out today that despite doing everything right, and timing everything just how I was supposed to..... that I didn't ovulate. I don't understand this cycle or my body at all. I had three amazing looking follicles of perfect size, I did the HcG trigger injection, and yet I didn't ovulate. I just don't understand it. I'm confused yet not surprised. I continued to use OPKs after the trigger shot until my CD21 progesterone level draw, and never had two dark lines on any of them, and I was doing them morning and evening EVERYDAY. My results today that I sweet talked the lab tech into giving me since my Dr.'s office didn't call me back like they were supposed to on Fri. and give them to me were 0.4 meaning an annovulatory cycle. I'm not sure how this is possible?? Anyone any ideas, b/c I've scoured the internet today trying to come up with answers to fill in the blanks and I still have blanks.

To top it off, I'm fed up with my Dr's office. I love my Dr. He's an excellent physician and caring man, but the nurses his office is staffed with are neurotic insensitive morons. Most of them are new, a couple have no gynecological/obstetric/infertility experience. They don't relay messages appropriately. I'm having to give each one my patient history each time I call in b/c they're too stupid to pull up my name on their laptop in front of their faces. They don't return phone calls until you blow up their phone or voicemail. And, when ever I call in toward the end of a cycle after my patient run through the first question is always "Are you pregnant?" instead of "what can I do for you?" or something of that nature which is like a knife to the already emotionally sensitive heart. I felt as though the past 2-2 1/2 months I fell threw the cracks in that office. So, I'm in the process of finding a new Dr. One that I'll feel comfortable with and one that will treat me with respect not only as a regular OB/GYN patient but an infertility patient as well, and so will her/his nurses. In the meantime, I'm done with treatments and I'm on a weight loss mission, b/c unfortunately treatments combined with a little depression has helped me to pack on a few extra pounds that I don't want.

For now I'm off to snuggle with *B*, for I am so blessed to be his mother. And every minute with him helps to heal my ever aching heart. Thanks everyone for your support and prayers this cycle, just wish it would of played out differently.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry Catrisha. I don't know what to say other then you had Brennen naturally and maybe if you give it a break and concentrate on something else like loosing weight then maybe it will happen for you. Take your mind off of it. I do think getting a new dr will help...maybe one that mainly deals with infertility rather then OB. I don't know why you would not have O'ed. That is weird. I would def. ask questions about that. When you called them when you took the tests and saw you were not Oing they should have listened to you and brought you in. Wonder what all the pain was that you were having too.


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