What Is Your Greatest Fear?

Usually I hate Fac*ebook, b/c well let's face it... it's made the world so impersonal. But as I was looking around on there at some of my friends' statuses I found one that caught me entirely off guard and made me think. Her status simply read as follows, "What is your biggest fear?"

At first I read it and brushed it off, as there weren't any responses yet. Then when I returned there this morning the people were sounding off. There were a large variety of responses ranging from spiders to clowns to health issues to living alone to death. So, I read every response carefully, and then I sounded off on my biggest/greatest fears.

I do have many fears. They come and go as things in my life change. After my DH lost his parents when they were at a young age (early 40's) my ultimate fear was losing my DH early. Both of his parents passed away from cancer, so it's in his genes and that scares the bejesus out of me; especially with my DH being a smoker and not really taking care of himself in the healthy sense of things the way he should. Back before we conceived *B* my greatest fear was that I would never become a mother to my own child. Infertility was robbing me of that and strangling the life out of my every glimpse of hope into motherhood. I felt like I wasn't a complete woman b/c I couldn't sustain a pregnancy and birth a child. Now that I'm a mother I fear something happening to my son. Whether it be someone physically hurting them to prolonged illnesses to death I don't think I could handle that. I would kill someone or a part of me would die right along with him. I fear both DH and I dying and leaving behind *B* alone with no siblings to help him cope with losing us. I have smaller more petty fears such as spiders, thunderstorms, and the sound someone dragging their nails across a blackboard makes, but compaired to my ultimate basic biggest fear those are minor. In one word my biggest fear is: DEATH.

I know that you're not supposed to fear death if you have lived your life right, b/c you'll be greatly looked after and rewarded in the here after. But how do you know that you're living your life that way? How do you know that you're going to heaven? How so you know that there is even a heaven at all? I lost faith in God a long time ago in my struggle with life and infertility. Do I pray? Yes, don't we all? But believing is a totally different subject for me. Maybe I'll end up where I want to be, maybe not... but for goodness sakes I'm no where near ready to die, b/c death scares the shit out of me.

So, what is your greatest fear? Please don't be scared to share... I have. Also, in closing I will leave you with a great quote about fear in yourself and overcoming it,
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’ -Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles

I Want That...

The other night I was talking to my sister on the phone and she was getting ready for bed. Her DH is in the Army and he was getting ready to go to bed, but she wasn't quite ready yet (I think this is because she was on the phone to me, but she would never admit that...LOL). Any how they got to laughing and joking around about the night before when they were in bed and their oldest daughter came in and climbed in bed with them. Her DH said it was "A Giggle-Fest" with both them in bed. After a few more minutes of conversation she told me she'd like to get off the phone with me so she could go to bed with B*ryan before he fell asleep. I Want That!!

My DH has worked midnight shifts for along time now. In the beginning I didn't mind it so much because it was worked better for us. We were night people raising a teenager, whom let's face it was a night person too. Now, we have *B*. DH still works nights. Granted it's only 3- 12hr shifts one week and 4- 12hr shifts (7pm-7am) the next week (lather, rinse, repeat) leaving him at home with us a huge chunk of the time, but it still sucks. His sleep schedule is still the same even on his days off usually. He is still the night person and I am now the day person (kinda, I stay up late 1am-ish and wake up early 9-10am-ish). But I do want to be able to sleep with my husband and have normal people hours, and not have to keep my child quiet throughout the day while he sleeps. But most of all I don't want us to feel like we're seeing each other in the passing and spending very little time together, anymore. I Want That.

For even more I Want That feelings... the following day I went into Wal-Mart to do some shopping. I hate going alone with only *B* as he doesn't like to stay in the cart or near the cart these days. While I was in there I ran into a girl that I was really good friends with in high school, but since then we've lost touch. She was in there with her 3 children and was visibly pregnant with another. She was dressed in nursing scrubs, didn't look frazzled at all, had the "glow", and was very patient with her children. We talked for about 10min. She told me she worked in a Dr's office doing medical billing, she was married to so-in-so, they were due in April with #4 and it was a surprise this one but they are done now and one of them is getting fixed, etc. I Want That!!

I was supposed to go on to medical school after high school. I had the scholarship and everything. Shoot me in the foot, because I choose my DH and family making instead only to realize later on I would struggle at that, and it would be the ultimate struggle of my marriage, faith, relationships, and life. I was supposed to be the one with 4 kids by now.... okay maybe not 4, but 2 with one on the way at least (we only want 3, but we're not choosy or greedy). I want the "glow" from another bun in the oven damn it. Oh and for that bun to be a surprise because we didn't have to try or go to the RE for help because we have PCOS and hypothyroidism. I want to be able to even think about having the choice of whether I should have a tubal or DH a vasectomy, because our family is complete and our baby making days are done. I want to have patience with *B*, and him not ride my very last nerve all day everyday. I want to look and seem so put together that I'm envied, instead of telling my sad sob infertility story to her feeling like a stranger instead of a long lost friend, breaking down and bawling in Wal-Mart, and then hoping nobody saw me or that I run into her again because I now feel like an emotional basket case. Sigh..... I really want all of that.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Tonite has been a difficult night and the emotional roller coaster hasn't came to a stop yet. I have to admit that taking care of an on the mend child with one good arm has posed to be a task in and of itself. I really can't wait until March 4th when I get this hot pink cast off my broken non-surgery needing appendage. My house chores are piling up and I feel like I'm constantly walking through and looking at clutter. I couldn't take it any more tonite and I had a break down on the phone with my little brother's mom. Bless her heart she came and saved the night and helped me out. She washed my dishes for me, bathed *B*, and scrubbed stains out of some clothes so I could throw them in the washer. I feel so helpless at times (you'd be amazed at the things you do that you need 2 thumbs for and what you can't do when one is casted up), and like I'm a burden on others so I don't open my mouth and ask for help. However I'm scared to ask for help at times too, b/c I don't want people to think I'm helpless or incapable when clearly I'm not.... just a little handicapped for the moment. And I fear being told "No!" just as if I were a child or teenager, as funny as that sounds.

While she was here though she got the tears a flowing talking about the past and how my Dad has been and snapped out of and is slowly falling back into a lifestyle I dread. We talked about how DH almost a year ago made me give my dogs away and I felt like I was giving away a piece of my heart and my children, just b/c they "locked up" while the one was in heat. We talked about how my Dad has the one dog, and he lives right next door and I know he doesn't care for him appropriately but how DH refuses to let me have him back. And she even cared enough to sit and listen to my complete infertility battle that she didn't know about, and how we're struggling again and we can't afford to do another injectible cycle for awhile b/c we've tapped out all our savings and have crappy insurance that doesn't cover that part of it (or anything really unless it's diagnostic). It felt good to talk to someone that didn't have a clue about infertility, but listened thee entire time and cared whole heartedly.

But of course she had to leave and go home so I'm left here with a brain full of scramble working overtime. So, here I sit serving up a pity party of one, b/c while DH and I both know our fertility fate and the course of treatment telling another person makes it more real.... and well that makes my heart break. I've just been having a hard time dealing with this and feeling really overwhelmed with the mix of everything else. It doesn't help that I have friends and family having babies #2, 3, 4, etc. Or that I have very few in real life people that have been through what I have been through (scratch that actually.... maybe a fraction of what I've been through) and I don't feel as though I can really connect to them. Trust me I try, but our stories and battles are so different now. Plus I offer support (I've always been a giver) but I feel like now when I need it the most they're not doing the same for me. I realize they each have their own lives no big deal, but seriously is it to much to answer the phone when I call and say I'm busy versus me getting voicemail all the time? Guess so. There is one specifically that I don't want to go into name or much detail about, but I just feel betrayed and lied to and manipulated and put off by her constantly. I guess keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

All I know is tonite I long for another child something fierce. *B* talks about wanting Mommy to give him a brother (personally I'd like a sister but healthy is all that matters), and my heart aches. I wish TTC weren't this difficult or such a money suck for us. All I can do is continue to pray that possibly between now and then I either win the lottery to pay for treatments or I'm blessed with a natural conception again. *sigh*

Random Tidbits: Getting Things Off My Mind

I always have so much on my mind that I want to type about, but once I sit here I can never bring fingers to keyboard to put into words what's going on. Things in the land of Baby Dreams have been dull and boring for the most part. This month feels as though it's dragging on for me. Maybe it's b/c I'm eager to jump into the next cycle and I'm on bcps, or maybe it's just the month in general. On Thursday is my last pill before starting the ones to bring on AF. I'm due for an u/s on CD#3 whenever that is. Otherwise things in the baby-making industry are uneventful....well unless you count having ALOT of great sex without all the "do this" and "don't do this" hype that doing it for fertility reasons brings. It's like the stress of things are gone and the bedroom fire is a burning when we're not doing all the treatments. I love it, but it gets to me when it comes time and there's performance anxiety there from knowing that you "have to do it" then. Sorry for all the TMI in my sex life faithful readers.

Any way, in other news.... Can I just say I HATE THE TERRIBLE TWO'S!!! Yep, you read that right. I thought before *B* turned two was bad, boy was I wrong. Within the last week or two, he's started doing the baby grunting and whinning all over again. He throws himself on the floor when being told something to do that he doesn't want to do or if taking something away from him he isn't supposed to have. I hear "No!" more than 100 times a day from him after various requests. His eating habits went down the toilet along with his manners. He's no longer sleeping 10-12hrs a night, but somewhere between 6-8hrs, and no naps which makes for one very irritable mother and child. We put him in a toddler bed finally, only to have to him back in a crib b/c he rolled out, to having him start climbing out of it which he never did before, so he's back in the toddler bed again. I'm just do tired of him thinking he's the boss already...I mean I know he's somewhat spoiled as being the only child right now, but we don't go over board with it. There is no reason he should be acting this way. I guess in motherhood I must take the bad with the good, but for the life me it stressful when there isn't very many good days these days.

Let's see.... Oh I'm dieting again. Well if you want to call it that. Some call it a life style change, so call it what you will. I'm trying to get healthy again and thinner, much thinner. I've been power walking in the mornings when DH comes home, and walking again in the evenings with *B* in tow so it's a slower pace, but still walking. Plus, if *B* manages a nap I try to throw in the 30-Day Shr*ed workout video as well. I'm watching what I eat, being more precise on taking my meds (met*formin). (I'll admit I don't take it as I should. I don't ever miss a dose, but I wasn't strict on taking it once in the morning and once in the evening like I should of been.) I'm cutting out caffiene as much as I can without losing steam. (I'm down to one Diet Sie*rra M*ist a day, and one cup of sweet tea a day.) The rest of the time I'm strictly drinking water. I'm eager to see a difference by my birthday in just 17 days. I guess we'll see.

I've been a bit depressed. I've tried and tried to pin point a specific reason why, but I've come to the conclusion it's a whole mess of things. I could write a book on the disfunctionality of my life, but I won't b/c it's morbid and well depressing. So, I'll just a mention a few things, and that way when I look back on this post and things are going better I won't feel like such a retard for ever thinking as I am. First of all is my sister when she was in town. I felt as though I didn't get alot of time with her. This always happens, but b/c of my stupid naive thinking I some how thought this time would be different since I lived closer to my Mom where she was staying. The more I think about the more I'm realizing that my sister is turning into our mother....only out for one person: herself. It's sad to say it, but true. Then I've been missing my In-laws ALOT. I read all of your entries where you talk about doing this or that with them and even them getting on your nerves, and I don't have that. I had a close relationship with both of them, and I miss them terribly. It saddens me to the core that they're not around to be able to watch their grandson grow up. He's just like his Daddy and they would be so proud, while my own Mom could care less about seeing or talking to her daughter let alone her grandson. She has her favorites, and sadly he's not one and he's such a blessing. Why can't her and my step-dad just see that?

Then there is how quickly *B* is growing into a big boy. Each day another baby feature fades away, and it scares the hell out of me b/c I don't know if I'll ever get to experience that again with another baby. My future is not a given and there is no guarantee that I will be a mother of two or even three like I so desperately dream about. Then there is my marriage, maybe it's just me and everything going on that I'm already depressed about amplifying these feelings, but sometimes I feel something is wrong. Sure the sex is amazing, but when we're not in the bedroom we could be a million miles apart from one another and it wouldn't matter. I love him, and I've made mistakes it's no lie. I know he loves me too, but I wish he would show it more than he does....I wish he would show it like he used to at the beginning of our marriage. Maybe he doesn't and I'm just blind to it, but it hurts my heart to think maybe we're drifting in different directions possibly not meant for each other. Or maybe I'm just crazy and it's all the hormones I've been on making me think out of whack. Who knows? I guess we'll just keep on trucking along until we hit either get off the bumpy road to the paved way or hit a road block. Only time will tell, b/c it heals all.

Oh, there's H*attie as well, this girl has been through alot and done alot to get her life out of whack then back on track. Her and J*ordan are back together again raising *H*, and do I get a thank you? Nope, and I've even praised him for being such a good father lately only to have it backfire on me. I used to see two of the three of them almost every weekend before we moved. Now we live a 7min drive further away than where we did and NEVER see them. It's too far. I don't get that. They break my heart and I miss them, yet to tell them that makes no difference. My older SIL lived directly across the street from us before, now they see her like they used to see us, and to see us is "Too much gas, or too far away." Please!!!! I wish they could just see all we've done for them and be greatful, yet I know that will probably never happen.

Since I've rambled on enough, I'll leave you all with my peace and blessing that everything you want in your life may come true. Best wishes!!

Finding the Words

There are so many times when I'll be out and about doing something that I could pop off an entry like it weren't nothing, but when I actually have the time to sit and write one I can never think of anything worth making note of. So many things seem to be going on in this house that I could probably write a novel about, but when I actually grasp hold of the concept of writing about them they seem petty. So, with that being said I thought I would drop in and let you all know that things are going fine here with an update of sorts.

The cold that *B* had for what seemed like FOREVER is GONE!!! Woo-hoo! I finally convinced his pedi. to refer us to an imm*unologist/aller*gist and that Dr. right from the beginning of the appt. said allergies. I didn't want to believe that this is what it could be so after much persuading on their part they convinced me to let them do an allergen scratch test on his skin. Sure enough he came back positive for tree pollen, grass pollen, mold, dust, and dander. So, he now has to take Zyr*tec syrup twice a daily on high pollen count days, and once a day the rest of the time until he's 2 and can get weekly allergy shots; as well as an albu*terol breathing treatment as needed. It happens to be a pain in my butt having to do this, but since it makes him better I'm dealing with it. If any of you have tips on getting him to take the meds without him spitting them out or clenching his jaw shut or anything like that I would appreciate your input on it? Oh, and it can't be mixed the Dr. said so that is out of the question.

As, for me I have strep throat. I woke up Mother's Day with a sore throat and fever. While my day ended up being alright despite not feeling well, late that evening after getting the Monster to bed I ended up in the ER, b/c I felt as if I was going to choke to death on my saliva b/c my tonsils were so swollen. I was right too, there was only a fingertip of passageway between each tonsil. So, I got an antibiotic shot in the hip and am on a 10 day one as well. Also, it looks like I'll be getting my tonsils and adenoids out at 25. Never thought that would happen, so I'm scared to death. I have an appt. with the E*N*T Dr. the day after Memorial Day. I'll keep you posted.

Otherwise in the land of Baby Dreams things are mildly rough. DH and I have been at each other's throats. I'm not sure why, it's just been general nit-picking that escalates into full blown brawls. Maybe it's the weather or something in the air, who knows? I know we've both made our mistakes in the past and neither of us around proud of these things, but for some reason they are being brought up in conversation at the most inconvenient of times. I know AF is due to arrive within the week, and we have talked about and decided on C*lomid again as a starting off point. Maybe it's the stress of having to do fertility treatments again getting to him. I just wish he would open up and let me in talk to me about what is bothering him instead of fighting with me about the other. Hopefully once we get started it will be different (if we even get started; yes I have my doubts about doing this again, but not about another child just about how things will turn out, how they will work and putting myself through the pain of it all again). I need a prayer and a blessing I guess, so if you can spare one please do. Otherwise I'll keep you posted as things progress.

Trying Weekend and Other Ramblings

This weekend was no better than the following week or weekend for that matter. DH and I fought ALOT. He has a tendency to get on my nerves more while AF is around, or maybe it's just that I notice his obnoxiousness more during that time....who knows. Any way, it was pointed out by him that I'm psycho. Imagine that. I'm sleep deprived, have no help around here, no time to myself, and a 7 month old who is in his clingy attached to Mama's hip stage, and I'm PSYCHO!!!! Whatever!!! Any way, I must admit that I think I need to be back on my anti-depressants or some equivelent to them. My nerves are shot. I thought that I was doing good without the happy pills, but turns out....not so much. I'm not depressed though that's the thing, it's more just my nerves and lack of patience at the moment. But I find me scaring myself with my comments and actions, and that bothers me. I'm at my breaking point there is no doubt about that. So, I'm calling a Dr. (note to self: must find a new Dr. that I like first) and going to get this taken care of ASAP. Also, I am going to have to find it deep within myself to get along with DH until then. It is going to be a struggle of course, but I (we) can't go on like this, being at each other's throats and what-not.

In other news....I've started dieting. I'm doing rather well in eating healthy, I just have to fit excercise in there somewhere. Before *B* I was so conscious of my eating habits. While pregnant with him, I let that all go down the drain. I mean I ate healthy don't get me wrong, but after a healthy meal or snack, I would scavenge the pantry or fridge for something equally unhealthy. Since *B* has came along, I guess I'm still in that mode of things. I don't do it at much as I did while pregnant with him, but I still catch myself doing it occasionally. So, on what the nation should declare as "The Men's Holiday" (aka: Super Bowl Sunday) I put out all the junk food that was in the house for the party that we had. What didn't get ate went to the garbage can afterwards (which wasn't very much). Now, with day one in the books...I sit here craving chocolate like crazy, but doing well. I ate well today which is a HUGE accomplishment on my part. My plan is to do this week with cutting out all the junk, making sure I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day that are healthy, and try to fit in excercise if I can. Next week, my plan is to eat the same of course, but DEFINITELY get in at least 3 workouts within the week. I have faith in myself that I can do, it's just going to be hard. I once read that it takes 21 days to develop a bad habit, and then 42 days to break it, so I'm not expecting the change over night, but I have to stay strong if I'm going to do this.

So, starting yesterday (if DH and I are still on the same page come then) there is T-minus 57 days and counting until I'm scheduled to go back to the rude Dr., and for me to get some of this weight off so that if (and that's a big IF) things are better we will resume TTC#2 then. At present time in the state that things are in TTC#2 is the least of my worries, so I'm not holding my breath for that, but I am in the weightloss dept. Wish me luck!!