Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Finding Myself

For so long I have let so many things around me define me, other than me. I've been "the older sister" when it came to my eight siblings. I'm "the listener" when it comes to my friends. I'm "the in-law-less one that raised her teenage SIL to adulthood" when it came to losing DH's parents and raising H*attie. I became "DH's wife" when I married him. The thing that I let define me the most was my infertility. It still defines. I'm the "Infertile" one. I've spent so many years dealing with the depression that I've consumed myself with from this diagnosis, and still on days/weeks/months (like this past one) it capsulates my every thought, emotion, and action. Since becoming "*B*'s Mom" I've tried so desperately hard to seperate myself from that label. But, never have I fully detached myself from such a hard and harsh label.

Unfortunately as time passes and we continue to TTC#2 even after the m/c, I can't shake the label. It's defining me again, and even more so I feel. I can't get away from the looks of pity and regret from others, or their questions and comments about adding to our family. I see the change in the mirror and on the scale that the grief toll has taken on my body. I'm no longer a size 10. I have bags under my eyes, and lots of mornings I wake with puffy eyelids from crying myself to sleep. I'm getting tiny wrinkles even, and I'm only 26. I analyze our marriage and know that this is where we fell and are falling apart at. I'm tired of feeling tethered to this label, this definition that has consumed so much of my adult life.

Today, I realized how miserable I truely am being defined as things I do not wish to be labeled as any longer. Today, I finally pulled my head from my ass and woke up. Today, I put my foot down and decided it was time for change. Today, I start finding me... the me I want to be. The me that is not labeled by others or things in her life. Today, is the first day down a new road into the land of unknown... and I'm scared to death, yet thrilled to finally be finding myself and breaking free from it all. Today is the first day of the rest of my life without dragging around a ball and chain that has a label on it. Today, I start living for me and letting others know I'm living for me too. Today is the day...

3 comments:

  1. We have been trying for 5 years and infertility is just so consuming and it does label you. Awhile ago I just let it go. I quit crying about things because its not something that YOU can change, its not something that YOU can control. Live your life, learn from everything and most important do things to make YOURSELF happy!

    Break free!

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  2. I find that we are the ones who put the biggest lables on ourselves. We use them to define us to others. It is also all in our attitude. It is okay to wear a label, but it is important to know how to wear it. I'm infertile, and I'm okay with it. When people give me that sad look, I always tell them its okay, that I'm okay with it. I then tell them why: because it has made me a better, more appreciative mother than I ever would have been had I not had to fight so hard to be one. It got me into the blogging community where I met so many wonderful women who struggle with the same things where we can all support each other. It also gives me the opportunity to educate fertile people, teach them about what its like to want something so bad you'd put your life on the line, teach them to appreciate what they are given so easily, teach them that not everything is black and white. Every person I touch and educate about infertily makes me feel proud. There are a lot worse things I could be.

    The important thing to learn is perspective.

    Good luck on your journey to redefining yourself. Most of all, I hope you find happiness and peace.

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