Thursday, March 4, 2010

Overcome With Frustration & The Past

Here it is 2am and I'm wide awake b/c my mind is moving a million miles a minute. (Trying saying that 10 times fast... LOL.) Any way, I keep thinking about something that my Dad's girlfriend R told me tonight while she was over here doing laundry, and it really bothers me for a whole mess of reasons. The other night I went over to my Dad's (he lives next door, btw) with *B*. Dad, R, and Dad's room-mate were all there. It's no secret that my Dad is an alcoholic (hold on, that would imply he goes to AA or something which he doesn't, so maybe a drunk is more fitting.... but you get the point) and him and the room-mate were tossing a few back. Well *B* being the pap-paw's boy that he is when it was time to leave wanted to stay. I hesitated and debated with *B* on it, and then R said it was alright she would bring him over after they were done with dinner, b/c *B* wanted to eat tacos (that's my love of Taco Bell coming out in him while he was in the womb... LOL). I agreed and came home. I hadn't been here but 20min, and R walks in with *B* stating that he wanted to come home. Fast forward to tonight...

I didn't pick up on it immediately, and I now wish I had. When *B* came in he looked as if he had been crying although I just took it as him being tired, b/c he had went without a nap that day and within 30min of being home was asleep. Now though after R telling me what happened I know he had cried hard and came home to be comforted by Mommy to fall asleep. R said that after I left *B* got to rough house playing around while she was waiting on the food to be finished, and *B* bit her. She said it wasn't hard and a playful type nip, but his teeth and her body were still involved. My Dad smacked him in the mouth for this. After *B* started crying he then went to her to be comforted, and once he was calm wanted to play again but not rough. To which my Dad continued on his case about biting and it being bad and kept tapping him in the mouth. R said after two or three times of doing that *B* started crying again, and she got his coat on him, made him a plate of taco salad, and brought him home.

I'm so frustrated and upset by this and it brings up so many feelings for me. My Dad was (maybe still is, I'm not sure) an abusive drunk. As I grew up there are plenty of memories that I can recall of him beating my Mom, R, another girlfriend he had, and even me. He's been to prison (I'm not talking county jail here either, I'm talking a high security place) three times for domestic violence. He got his visitation rights taken from him of me and my sister at ages 13 and 10. My little brother's visitation at age 8. He can't stop being a drunk, and now I'm wondering if he can't stop the violence either. I had thought he was past that, but maybe I thought wrong. Him correcting *B* for biting is one thing. My child is 2yrs old. He knows right from wrong... doesn't always display it on a consistent basis, but knows. However, he most certainly knows once he's scolded for something to not do it again... at least not right away. So, for my Dad to smack him in the mouth is one thing... I've done it for him biting no lie (not the best form of punishment and apparently isn't working), but for it to be done while he was three sheets to the wind... should of NEVER happened. And, furthermore to continue doing it to him once he's been corrected and understands brings up painful memories of my Dad smacking me in the mouth and knocking out one of my teeth, and COMPLETELY crosses the line for me.

My only problem now is how do you approach your own parent about this when he's NEVER sober; doesn't ever remember beating on you as a child even though you have healed broken bones, police reports, and court documents to prove it and you're still a tad scared of him at times; and he loves his grandson more than words can express? B/c THAT is what is keeping me awake right now.

1 comment:

  1. i'm an anonymous reader, but i really want to tell you that i empathize with you. i will definitely say a prayer for you tonight.

    be well,



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