Thursday, November 12, 2009

On The Verge Of More Than An Emotional Breakdown

Dear God,

Tonight is not my night. I know that you only give us what we can handle, but I'm here to tell you that I'm drawing the line. I CAN NOT handle the cards that you've dealt me tonight, and you continue to keep dealing me for weeks now. You helped me to find my place in the world and parent H*attie, so now I'm asking you to help her find her place in the world and do the right thing. The family's cut in the deepest, and this one is to the bone and through the heart. You know I've been hurting with all the recent family members and close friends in my life that are pregnant. While each breaking news is painful to me with your good graces I'm still hanging on. I've went through this before and the depression was unbearable at times but I survived. I have the miracle of my son now that you blessed me with and I can't do that again. I'm telling you everything that you're throwing at me I CAN'T handle, at least not this time. I maybe strong, but I'm not that strong not any more and I CAN'T and DON'T want to fall apart in front of my child. So, please I'm begging and pleading with you even when I have so much trouble believing in you at times, but know that you're there and a constant in my life to let me be pregnant and have a baby girl before her. I WILL NOT be able to handle it if she steals the name that we've had for a little girl since we began trying 8yrs ago that's never changed. This is unbearable to me, b/c it's sacred and it means nothing to her while it combines both my mother and MIL's name for a first name and my sister's and my middle names for a middle name. You know we're not trying with treatments but we're not objectionable to a miracle either, so please hear my cries tonight and for once answer them. I'm tired of losing faith in you I want to believe, it's just so hard when you repetitively don't come through for me. So, please bless us, please take away my sadness, and please just be there for me in this time of need.

I got some news tonight that the child that I once raised maybe pregnant by another man other than the one she's been with for a couple of years now. She's been being reckless and careless lately, but after talking to J*ordan on the phone I realized that she has not a caring fiber in her body. There are so many pregnant people coming at me at one time that it's unreal, and I can't handle it. I'm a bawling mess, and my child is even saying "No cries, Mommy, no cries." (Melt my heart.) Having *B* does help ease the pain but I still have a gaping hole there for what I long for, and having a best friend, my sister, and a SIL all pregnant, and now possibly H*attie who'll find out tomorrow with an HPT that J*ordan bought her tonight before work....... I CAN'T HANDLE IT!! I'm not as strong as I once was and I'm falling apart and sinking into a deep depression. I find myself screaming and pleading with God as I did above, and even bargaining with Him if He'll just let me be pregnant. I'm having a breakdown and my wonderful DH who just held me last week while I felt like my world was falling apart with the news of my sister being pregnant is working tonight. So, now my only option is my 2yr old who is now awake from my bawling and gagging at 2am to cuddle with and hope that the world is a better place in the morning. Dear Lord..... please let it be.


  1. Hugs. There are no words I can say that will make it better, just know I'm here if you want to talk and it will all work out in time. It's very hard to be in the middle of a struggle and keep hearing the news from others. Snuggle Brennan a little more and maybe just maybe you will find some peace.

  2. Catrisha....I wish I lived closer. I would come hug you while you cry. While I know I have three children, I KNOW the longing to want to have a pregnancy. I have a friend who has been calling me for four days now who wont' leave a message. I know what she wants to tell me and with Ben's birthday tomorrow and feeling low that he is growing so fast...I can't bear to hear she is pregnant (I know they are trying and she said she would call me the min. she knew, her not leaving a message is a tail tail sign). (((HUGS)))

  3. I'm sorry, I know the news hurts, I do. It does seem unbearable sometimes, especially when it's someone with such selfish immaturity. I'll keep on praying for you, as I have been. I know your heart is feeling raw and beaten at the moment, and if I could do more than offer some {{{HUGS}}}, I would.


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