Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I Should Be Happier.....

****Word of Wise to my sister, please DO NOT take offense to this entry, but I have these things on my mind, and I need to put them down somewhere so I'm not filled with frustration.****

But I'm not. I love my little sister don't get me wrong. She's an EXCELLENT mother, but today's news of pregnancy #2 came as a shock and a heart ache to me. I know it's all that infertility mumbo jumbo coming out in me, b/c even though I have my wonderful miracle I still get that pang of jealousy and that knot of anger in the depths of my gut with every BFP announcement I hear, especially ones that come from my siblings. This baby I will love just as I love my neice now, which is with all my heart. BUT (yes there is always a but with me) I'm mad DAMNIT!!!! I tried for going on 6yrs to have *B*, went through God awful treatments that NEVER friggin' worked, and here she is not even trying b/c her DH was getting deployed for his third tour to Iraq on Oct.27th for a 15month stretch and BAM! she's pregnant. She's due around my little man's first birthday, which bothers me the most about the whole thing. I know I can't control when the baby actually comes, but I'm afraid that her due date being at this time his birthday isn't going to be that important, b/c everyone will be worrying about her as her pregnancy will be at it's end. And well, with her DH being gone and all I know the family members that count the most probably will not be at *B*'s first birthday party, b/c they will want to be in KY to give her support while delivering baby#2.

Then there is all his first holidays coming this year now, and with her planning on being up here from KY, I'm afraid that *B*'s first major events will be put to the wayside, b/c everyone will be making a big fuss of her and her growing belly. He's only 4months old, and I now feel that the next 8months aren't going to be that important to everyone about him. I may be wrong, but damnit.....I want him to be the center of attention, b/c he truely is a miracle, b/c nobody ever thought that he would be in this world, and here he is and now he has to compete with the new baby to be.

Lastly is that pang of jealousy in me. I'm supposed to be the most fertile right now up to *B*'s first birthday, and here we are not really trying but not preventing and nothing is happening. I'm still freaking late, and POAS as well as bloodwork before my oral surgery has no BFP in sight. I wanted to be first at something "good" in my family for once, but that again hasn't happened. She will be first at having 2 children. And even though she will have her hands full being a single mother for 6months after the new baby is born until her DH returns....I am JEALOUS!!! God, I wish this green monster would get off my back. Then there is the way that my family approaches me with information on these types of things. I don't want them to walk on egg shells having to watch everything that they say, but the scars on infertility on my heart are deep and ever-lasting, and just b/c I have *B* doesn't mean that they have went away. FAR FROM IT ACTUALLY!!! So, when I am more mature now and I don't scream, cuss, cry, and shout about the issue, I still wish that they would be sympathetic to the situation. They are not. I told my mom how I felt tonite after I knew that my sister had told her, and her response was you may be telling us the same thing in Jan. when you start trying again. That is not what you say to someone whose heart is vulnerable in the situation. Just understand I'm hurting and let me know that you are there for me WITHOUT taking sides, and then be supportive, but most of all let the news sink in, and let me adjust before offering your subtle comments on the issue at hand.

CONGRATS are in order for you Blu, and I am happy for you HONESTLY. It's just news like this still hurts to hear. Hopefully someday it will get easier, I'm just sorry that today wasn't the day. I love you, and can't wait to enjoy all your pregnancy moments. Good Luck and Belly Rubs!!!

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