Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Raw Emotions

It amazes me how in one moment you can be told you're pregnant and the very next you're not and it's being ripped from your grasps as if you never were in the first place. It kind of makes me feel as if it were a puppet dangling from strings right in front of me just out of my reach.....of course a very cruel and sick joke.

So, I'm sure you're wondering were all this is coming from, right???

Well, for the past two months my periods have been way wacky. I was on it for 16days in February, off for 9 days and started again on March 5th. Well, up until this morning I was still on it. Nothing heavy and mostly the old blood discharge throughout the 20days of AF. So, I went into the Dr. to of course get myself checked out and to my surprise I'm told I'm pregnant. Only then the panic this point I was bleeding and it was red. So, bloodwork was done and comes back that I am, but with the blood the Dr. as well as myself were worried and the Dr. does an u/s. The lining of my uterus is thick like it's supposed to be when you're pregnant, but no baby anywhere. Not even an empty egg sack. So, I got another blood draw done and my levels only went up a couple digits like before with the chemical pregnancy. The Dr. gave me a methotrexate shot and put me on prometrium to see if my body will pass the tissue naturally without a D&C. I'm currently taking the prometrium and watching every little difference or change in my body and waiting for the massive bleeding to begin.

I feel so emotionally raw and robbed from the joys of pregnancy yet again. I've been crying alot, and thinking, and crying some more. I don't understand why this is happening yet again. Better yet I find myself mad at God and questioning His motives. I've just been through so much fertility wise in the past 7yrs that I can't take any more. It's becoming demeaning to me as a woman. For once I just want the Man Upstairs to get the story of my life right, the way that I would like for it to be.

Any prayers you can say for me are much appreciated, I just often wonder if they're are truely heard and answered.


  1. I am so sorry Catrisha. I do want to tell you one thing and I really want you to think real hard on this.

    All along you had such a hard time getting prego. Think...You were able to get pregnant on your own this time. What a huge hurdle. You weren't able to do that for how many years. Now that you know you CAN get prego how about you then see a dr. and talk about ways to stay pregnant. Maybe after you try immediately take Progesterone suppositories or something. There has to be something to do with that. I know. I hope you don't think I am being mean but I wanted you to think of something positive. getting pregnant is so expensive and look YOU DID IT. It will happen just need to get treatments to stay prego and that really does not take to much time and shouldn't be hard with medical technology these days. call me to chat.

  2. I am so sorry to hear this. {{{HUGS}}} I wish there were something I could do.

  3. Catrisha,
    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I had an ectopic pregnancy between my two girls and had to have the Methotrexate shot as well. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.


  4. I'm so sorry you've had to endure this.. But Jodie does have a point.. you were able to get pregnant on your own! That's huge! I know.. it's a small thing compared to going through this now.. but at least it's something to grasp onto, right?

  5. Oh Catrisha.... I am so very sorry. I know this must be breaking your heart. I agree with Jodie though, WOW you were able to get pregnant on your own!! That in itself is a HUGE acheivement. I don't know if you follow Jenny B's journal but she did several years of infertility and did IVF to get preg. with twins. After having the twins she has gotten pregnant on her own several times all ending in miscarriages until this last one. She is now 26 weeks along and didn't need any infert. drugs. While I hope you don't have any more miscarriages it's stories like her's that show that miracles still happen! Maybe your baby was just to beautiful for earth and God decided to keep him in heaven. Hugs! -kriss


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