It amazes me how in one moment you can be told you're pregnant and the very next you're not and it's being ripped from your grasps as if you never were in the first place. It kind of makes me feel as if it were a puppet dangling from strings right in front of me just out of my reach.....of course a very cruel and sick joke.
So, I'm sure you're wondering were all this is coming from, right???
Well, for the past two months my periods have been way wacky. I was on it for 16days in February, off for 9 days and started again on March 5th. Well, up until this morning I was still on it. Nothing heavy and mostly the old blood discharge throughout the 20days of AF. So, I went into the Dr. to of course get myself checked out and to my surprise I'm told I'm pregnant. Only then the panic strikes.....at this point I was bleeding and it was red. So, bloodwork was done and comes back that I am, but with the blood the Dr. as well as myself were worried and the Dr. does an u/s. The lining of my uterus is thick like it's supposed to be when you're pregnant, but no baby anywhere. Not even an empty egg sack. So, I got another blood draw done and my levels only went up a couple digits like before with the chemical pregnancy. The Dr. gave me a methotrexate shot and put me on prometrium to see if my body will pass the tissue naturally without a D&C. I'm currently taking the prometrium and watching every little difference or change in my body and waiting for the massive bleeding to begin.
I feel so emotionally raw and robbed from the joys of pregnancy yet again. I've been crying alot, and thinking, and crying some more. I don't understand why this is happening yet again. Better yet I find myself mad at God and questioning His motives. I've just been through so much fertility wise in the past 7yrs that I can't take any more. It's becoming demeaning to me as a woman. For once I just want the Man Upstairs to get the story of my life right, the way that I would like for it to be.
Any prayers you can say for me are much appreciated, I just often wonder if they're are truely heard and answered.