It Came and It Went

Well, Christmas is over. My baby's first BIG holiday event. We all got the flu for Christmas....yip-peee, huh??? And, of course *B* got boat loads of toys and clothes. For DH you'd think that the holiday couldn't be over fast enough. He took down the tree freaking Christmas night. I must say though, I'm happy to see it go. I never did get into the holiday spirit this year, even though I should have, since it was the first one being a Mama. For some reason I just couldn't find it in me, so I continued on with my Scroogie self, and tried to put on a happy face for those around me. Hopefully next year will be better.

On another aspect of Christmas..... I missed my best-friend SO VERY MUCH!! I went to her grave and had a good old cry. (Not sure if it's depression from going off the happy pills from PPD, hormones, or as combo of both, but I needed that cry.) I can't believe that she's been gone for a year. It's so hard to believe and it always seems like God takes the angels that walk among the Earth first. Never-the-less she was on my mind on Christmas Day as she always is, and even closer to my heart. Hopefully someday we'll see each other again at Heaven's door, but until that day, I'll silently whisper a prayer to her, fake a smile, and shed some tears as each year passes and the time draws more near.

So, with that all being said, I'm glad that Christmas this year is over in one quick swoop. The flu is gone and we're now focusing on what 2008 has instore for us. I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and an even more amazing New Year!!! Hugs!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Wishing you all the wonderous joys of the holiday season!!!

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So, even though it is Christmas it sure doesn't feel like it around here. I really was looking forward to a white Christmas, and I know I still have a day yet to go, but I'm very doubtful in the matter. I definitely lack the holiday spirit as well. I know I should be over joyed as this my first Christmas as a mother, and I am really. I just can't get into the swing of the season and the festivites. I'm not sure what it is...maybe AF who knows???? I would rather just have a good cry instead. Otherwise things are good here. We had our Christmas dinner and gift exchange yesterday as it was the only time everyone could get together. I was nice but I'm exhausted and stressed from it. I played hostess to 14 people. I enjoyed myself as did all of them (hopefully). It was just in the end I felt guilty. Here DH and I are cutting corners and trying to save money, b/c he's looking at another lay-off at the first of the year. While his sisters are alot worse off money wise than us, and they went all out. Brennen got alot of nice things, and I know it's b/c he was the only one they had to buy for so they could spend alot. DH and I got #1's kids nice things too, but they didn't have nearly as many gifts as Brennen did. Plus, DH and I argued over the fact that he thought I showed favoritism toward my sister's little girl, b/c I got her the same things as I got #1's kids, plus 2 other gifts. I only did this, b/c my sister is going to be in 2 places I will for Christmas that we are doing a gift exchange and I was trying not to make Court feel left out at the exchange at my house. They were just small gifts. But I did feel bad, b/c I saw the looks on my other nieces and nephew's face. I know what's done is done now, but hopefully directly after Christmas I'll be able to find some good deals and make up for it to them. ARGH!!! and I wonder why I lack holiday hoo-rah. Hopefully I'll find it after some much needed sleep.

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So, any way..... Hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and if I'm not back around before 2008....A Happy New Year as well!!! HUGS TO ONE AND ALL!!!!

Who Opened The Flood Gates???

BEWARE TMI AHEAD!!!!

Argh!!! AF came with a vengence today. I'm in some serious pain from cramping and it's really heavy. I don't think I've ever bled this heavy in my life, not even after I had *B*. Not even during other Provera induced AFs. All is well though I'm looking forward to the outcome of this cycle. Hopefully it'll be one with a BFP. Wish me luck!!!

I'm so EXCITED!!!!

My sister will be home from KY tomorrow for the holidays!!! I can't wait. I haven't seen her since the day that I went into the hospital to have *B*. I'm also VERY anxious to see my niece, and my sister's belly that she keeps elaborating on how "big" it's getting. I'm trying to keep my time and mind occupied so I don't go crazy counting down until her arrival, but it's just too freaking hard. I have a million and one things I need to do around my house before Sunday (that is the day I'm doing Christmas for my Dad and that side of the family and DH's side of the family) in order to be ready for Christmas. I just lack motivation. (Hmmm.... maybe it is the hidden lurks of AF knocking at my doorstep.) Any way, I will get it all done....I. MUST. GET. IT. ALL. DONE.

Also, even though I'm dreading AF's arrival for the holidays, in the same sense I'm looking forward to her return too. Her arrival will mean that if I "O" it'll be perfectly timed for the start of the New Year, and when DH and I decided to start TTC#2. So, I'm excited that this will be the first cycle out of the gates in TTC#2. I know that I'm probably crazy and all that, plus I will have my hands full and my work cut out for me being a mother of two closely spaced siblings, but I'm ready for the challenge. Plus, I don't want to have any regrets if I wait until *B* is a year which would make my children's age ideally spaced, thinking that maybe if I would of tried while I was most fertile in the months leading up to the one year mark after a pregnancy, and say I started trying then instead and I had to deal with years of infertility again, then that is where the regrets would come to play. So, for the next 6 months or so once this AF arrives we are trying au natural, and fingers crossed we get another miracle like we did the first time around. Wish us luck?!?!

STUPID STUPID Doctor

ARGH!!! So, I went to visit the GYN, and he had the vampires draw 6 vials for the cause of the visit. I had my TSH, Prolactin, FBS, Progesterone, HcG, and something else all tested. As well as peeing in a cup so they could see the same BFN I was seeing. Any way, back in October (I believe it was) my family Dr. took me off my synthroid for my hypothyroidism saying I now had hyperthyroidism b/c your levels are to be between .5 and 5.5 and mine came back .019 well below average. So, around that time AF stopped. No surprise to me though, b/c I don't think he let my hormones post-baby go back to normal. Any way, SURPRISE SURPRISE my thyroid is majorly out of whack now. It was 89.26.....EEEKKKKKK!!!! So, my GYN calls lets me know this is aggitated with my family Dr. and says he'll call him and fax over my test results. To this I get a snotty ass nurse calling me saying that they received a phone call from my GYN and the labs and Fam. Dr. wants to put me back on synthroid my dosage pre-pregnancy, oh and what was it again. Ummm HELLO!!! Am I the ONLY one who sees a problem with this??? Guess not since everything I'm supposed to let slide since my original Fam. Dr. left the practice and this new one has NO FREAKING CLUE!!! Just look at my damned file, isn't that what YOU get paid to do???

I had to tell her. So, I'm back to having hypothroidism, back on the synthroid dosage of 100mcg and back to inducing AF with freaking Provera. Could things get any worse??? Hopefully my body will bounce back respectfully and quickly so TTC#2 can get under way after the first of the year. Wish me luck?!?!

What's Been Happening Around Here

My little man is doing much better than my last post. His only issue now is a bit of a runny nose, but that's not anything that I can't handle. He's doing so many new things that I can't keep up with them or remember to post most of them when they happen, but as he allows I'm going to try harder to do so. He's growing like a weed too. I'm excited about his first Christmas that is coming up. I know he's still really to young to know what it is or what is going on, but none-the-less I hope to make it special for him, and I hope that it's a memorable one. (Not memorable like last year's Christmas either aka the Christmas that my best friend became an angel.) In lieu of a more formal update which I don't really have time to post right now as it's late and I have to get up early to go see my GYN for my missing AF (Yes it's still missing and it's been since mid-Sept since I saw the old hag.) along with a BFN (not that I didn't expect one seeing as how you have to have an AF to have a BFP, and you have to have more sex than Cody and I do, also), I'm going to leave you with pictures of the Cheekster!!! Enjoy!!

It's all a Blurrrrr!!!!!!

It's a week and that I NEVER, EVER want to relive again.

Well, I saw that J*die (on TLOL) posted a prayer request for *B* last week. Thank you to those that send up prayers for him. They were heard and answered. Any way, he went from what I thought was bad 2wks ago (which wasn't all that bad now that I look back on things), to better, to worse, to knocking on death's door.

The Wed. before T-giving I got him into the Dr. came home with the RSV diagnosis. My poor baby was just having a time of it. We visited family on T-giving day, but I made VERY sure that nobody was sick that he was going to be around and took lots of precautions in germ fighting. Over that weekend he slept alot and his labored breathing seemed to be not so labored any more, and he was only left with a slightly runny nose and a horrible cough. Then Monday night rolled around and he started running a temp and throwing up his bottles. He finally settled in that night and woke up Tues. morning acting fine. So, I thought maybe he had a 24hour bug, and I called his ped. and she thought the same thing, and said she would check on him Wed. morning to see how he was doing and go from there. Fast forward to 9pm Tues. night. He started fussing and crying for no reason, and this continued for an hour with my every attempt at calming him. Finally around 10:15pm he fell asleep eating a bottle, only to wake up out of a dead sleep at 11pm screaming. He then proceeded to throw up the little bit of a bottle I had gotten him to take and then some (mostly bile after this point). He continued to scream, and wouldn't take a bottle or nothing else, and nothing comforted him, plus he was burning up. At 11:26pm I called 9-1-1, b/c DH was at work and something was horribly wrong. While on the phone with the dispatcher *B* quit breathing. I dropped the phone, rubbed his chest and breathed in his mouth and nose. (I was petrified, he was so stiff, and then went to limp, and was a deep red to purple color.) At this point he started to breath again. He gasped for air and was choking. I picked back up the phone and the dispatcher said the ambulance was on it's way, and asked what happened. I told him and he told me to hold *B* on his side, b/c of the gasping. *B* then threw up a bunch of mucus, and there was a knock on the door. It was a police officer, who got there before the EMTs. He took *B* from me and tried to calm him, down but even he couldn't. Then the EMTs were there. They did quick vitals on him in my house, and then I carried him out to the squad. They strapped us on the gurney, and put an oxygen mask on his face. He vomitted up mucus again when they did that, and then instantly he could breath. He calmed down and even started smiling while in the ambulance before we got to the hospital.

Once at the local hospital they kept on the oxygen for a bit, then took it off and he was holding at 97% on his SPO2 stats, so they didn't administer it again. They took him to get a chest x-ray, (which if you've ever had an infant get a chest x-ray you'll know what I'm about to describe) and put him in this device that no lie looked like a Chinese torcher device for a child. It was a plastic table thing, with a hole in the middle, that had a seat like thing like you would see in a walker. On either side of *B* was 2 plastic pieces with half moons cut on each side in the front. He had to be placed on the seat, hands pulled above his head, then these two pieces tightened around him, and his head in the hole that the half moons formed. He screamed. Now tell me does this sound like something that should of been done on a baby who was screaming and quit breathing b/c of it??? I think not, but the Dr. wanted answers and this is all this local hospital is equipt with in means of respiratory issues for children....ugh! So, after that torcher my baby had to endure. The Dr. came in checked over him again, and sent us home with a diagnosis of Respiratory Issues: Resolved. Exact words on discharge paper. I think not!!!

So, Wed. morning rolled around and I had been without sleep that entire night b/c of the ER and every move *B* made I woke up to make sure he was still breathing. He woke up with a horrible rash on his face and neck. And the bottle that he ate first thing he threw it all back up. I called his Ped. and she got us straight in. He had a temp. of 102.2 rectally in her office. She checked his lungs and counted his pulse and respirations. His pulse was over 200, and his repirations were over 80 a minute. During the examine she had to suction out his nose, which made him scream and he quit breathing yet again.....IN HER OFFICE!!! She got him breathing again, and called A*kron C*hildren's H*ospital for a direct admit. He was taken there.

Once there his vitals were taken again. Resp:68 Pulse:191 Temp: 102.9 rectally SPO2:89% on room air. The nurses quickly gowned up, and came in his room. They suctioned out his nose with this long tube thing that went down his throat and gagged him, and got out all the junk. Then gave him Tylenol. They checked his stats again 5-10min after this. Resp:33 Pulse:148 SPO2: 96% on room air. After that he was fussing, b/c he was hungry finally for the first time in 15hrs since, he threw up his morning bottle. He ate that bottle rather slowly. Around 11pm that night the did the first of 2 breathing treatments on him while he was there. After that he slept poorly, and was up about every hour and a half wanting a bottle. Finally around 6am Thurs. morning his fever broke, and he fell fast asleep until 10am when the infectious disease Dr. came in. He checked him all out, and *B* baby jibbered to him while he was in there, and even smiled at him. It was for the first time in over 3 days. The Dr. told me that the mucus test they did on the stuff they suctioned out of his nose when he first arrived for the preliminary RSV and flu virus were negative, but he was testing him for RVI (Respiratory Viral Isola) and that wouldn't be back until later in the day. He told me as long as Brennen kept his bottles down for the next 12hrs, didn't stop breathing between now and then, and his fever gone for 12 hrs from the last temp, that when the results came back we could go home. So, late Thurs. night we were discharged. Diagnosis: RVI (The test came back positive.) The Dr. explained RVI to be the sister virus of RSV. It's just as dangerous to infants and children as RSV, but in different ways then RSV. Plus, it effects the lining of the lungs causing them not to inflate and deflate properly, as where RSV effects the whole lung causing the same.

Since we've came home *B* wants Mama and only Mama. He is doing better, but he's not 100%, and that may still take awhile before he's there. He's not sleeping well. He knows what the nasal syringe is, and upon just seeing it he cries. (Poor little guy.) He still has a horrible cough and a runny nose and watery eyes, but thank heavens no more non-breathing episodes, and no more rapid or labored breathing as well. He went back to the ped. today, and he's a canidate for the RSV/RVI Synigis shot, and he now has to have a home nebulizer and do breathing treatments once a day until he's over this, and then only as needed there on.

I just look back on my baby and him being at my home and stopping breathing, and I Thank God for my calm collective thinking and action, my Nurse's Assistant training and CPR knowledge, and that He didn't decide to take my baby that night. My baby truely is a fighter and a survivor.

RSV

That is what my poor little man has. I thought that he was just getting his cold back again, but then his symptoms got worse in the last 24hours. So, I took him to the Dr. today, and that is the diagnosis I left with. I'm on high alert at watching his breathing and temps. I'm so scared. I've had many of friends or family members whose children have had this virus, and it's been horrible. My best-friend's little boy almost died from it. His cough is awful it comes from the very depths of his toes and shakes his how body with each one. He also has a rattling in his chest combined with the cough that gags him and makes him vomit. If his symptoms are still the same tomorrow I'm just supposed to continue doing what I'm doing which is antibiotics, tylenol, cool mist humidifier, and plenty of liquids. But if his rapid stomach breathing increases then he's off to Children's Hospital to be admitted. The Dr. is to call tomorrow to check on him. My poor baby....it breaks my heart to see him so sick and not really be able to do much for him. Please pray that he gets better, and nothing more serious comes of the situation. Thanks.

Preparing for Thanksgiving

ARGH!!!

I know that this is a time of family, good food, and togetherness, but I believe that I have lost the holiday spirit with all the preparations that I have been making in order to be ready for the festivities. I am completely overwhelmed with all the dishes that various family members have asked me to bring, and more overwhelming than that is having to divide my time equally between all parts of my family so that they maybe able to spend precious moments with our newest addition to the family (*B* of course). As you probably have guessed everyone has decided to do their dinners on the same day. None at the same time, but I hate to have to go to someone's house scarf down some food, spend a little quality time, and run to the next house only to do it all again. And all this with an unpleasant child in tow.

He's STILL teething, although he's been doing that for weeks now, but I suspect his first tooth to break through any time as his gums have two little mounds that are swollen and white, and his drool has increased, as well as his cold symptoms (mainly the snotty nose) has returned, and his clingy crying has increased too. My only issue with his issues is that he wants Mama and ONLY Mama, so I'm getting NOTHING accomplished. (Speaking of, I'm sure I should be doing something other than typing this negative entry, but as soon as I jump into one of my many tasks he'll awake from his nap, and I won't get the task finished and that'll piss me off.)

Also, I'm beginning to wonder if his shots this past Friday has anything to do with the return of his cold??? He was just fine before then and then on Sunday that all changed. Against my better judgement I allowed the Dr. to give him his second dose of the rotovirus vaccine. Not sure if you've heard any of the research details on this, but it can case bowel obstructions and gastro problems. My little man already has a sensetive stomach, and I noticed his reflux occured shortly after the first dose of it, and now he's received the second dose and he's back to puking hardcore again and just not feeling well. (Repeat of his side effects after the first dose, which whithered out a bit a month after the first dose, but still.) So, I called the ped. to see what she thought on the issue, and she said if it was the vaccine that he should of shown much stronger side effects to the medicine before now, but to watch him closely through the holiday weekend, and worse case scenario go to the ER if need be, but otherwise she would call me Monday morning to see how he's doing. Drs. I swear we butt heads all the time any more. Hopefully I'm just jumping to conclusions and it's nothing, but a mother can't help but wonder and worry.

So, I feel as if I no longer am staying a float in preparing for Thanksgiving, but I know some how in the end I'll manage. I just pray that DH step ups and helps out and that little man cooperates with the plan. Wish me luck.

Can You Say "Stressed?"

Uh...yes...I can.

I hate to say this, but I now know why mother's go mad and kill their children. Not that I would ever dream of killing *B*, but I've had about all the whiny baby crying I can take for 24hours. Today started at 6am, which wouldn't of been too bad, except for my neices spent the night last night and they decided bedtime wasn't until 2:30am. *B* woke up at that time his normal cheery self. I went and heated his bottle like I always do, and then changed and fed him. All was well and he was beginning to doze in my arms, so I took him back to his room (where he slept for the FIRST time WITHOUT screaming every hour on the hour) and put him back to bed. Well, that time in his bed lasted all of 20min, b/c then I heard him cough, which isn't unusual since he's still getting over his cold, after that though came his baby babbles and I knew he was up for awhile. So, I let him lay in his bed for a few minutes longer until he started fussing. I then went to rescue him from the big new crib only to find that he had thrown up an EXTREME amount and had rolled through it, and was happily playing in. GAH-ROSSSSSSSSS!!! I've cleaned up a tremendous amount of nasty things that has came out of this child, but nothing could of topped this morning's findings. So, at about this time while I'm cleaning up *B* and bathing him my neices decide it's wake up time, and come asking me for cereal for breakfast. I had to yell for DH (who had just went to bed only an hour before this), whom I was supposed to be letting sleep, b/c he had to work tonite (which he never does) so that he may have 5 days off to spend with his family for the holiday, for help.

He then mumbles something and crawls out of bed to get the girls their breakfast, after doing so he graciously pours himself back into bed. So, my day was starting. By noon I was exhausted with no relief or a nap insight, so I called my SIL and told her that she was going to have to come get her girls, so I could put cranky pants down for a nap and catch some ZZZZZZ's myself. I think he was afraid he was going to miss something while the girls were running and jumping around, squealing and having fun. At 1pm she FINALLY arrived and not a moment to soon. I fed *B* a bottle and we snuggled together on the couch and both fell asleep. He woke me up at 3pm with a dirty butt, and ate a couple more ounces of a bottle, and then was out until 6pm when DH woke us up. From there it was all down hill. I had a load of *B*'s laundry that needed done, dinner to make, my own shower to get to rejuvenate myself, a cake to make for DH's work luncheon tomorrow, *B*'s bed to make, and the charger cord to his baby monitor to find. ARGH!!! So, I ordered pizza (a quick fix), had DH throw in a load of laundry while I hopped in the shower. The pizza arrived just as I was finished there, so we ate and I washed the dishes really quickly. At about this time *B* started being his often times unpleasant self, and he ONLY wanted Mama. So, I held him and fed him, but he still wasn't comforted afterwards. Finally I told DH, that he had to take *B* so I could get started on the cake for his luncheon since I wasn't going to have time to make it tomorrow. He agreed, but *B*'s unhappiness prevailed, and put me behind.

I made the cake while DH did everything in his power to try to make *B* happy. I knew I was in for a long night. At about this time DH had to start getting ready for work, and I still had a few things left to do and an unhappy baby on my hands. So, I tried relentlessly to rock *B* to sleep which was working until my dogs heard my neighbors who are on my nerves outside making a commotion and started barking at them. Of course I'm sure you knew what this means....I SCREAMING baby who is no longer falling asleep, and a DH who is about to walk out the door for work at any moment. I get the Drama King settled, as DH leaves and I go to make his bed, and hunt for the adapter for the montior. I get about halfway finished with the bed and need to move it out from the wall and go around it to finish,when I knock the shelf on the wall down on my head, yell "Shit!", startle *B*, and listen to him cry while I finish in pain. I come back out to the living room to hold him and put him to sleep once again, but this time he was having none of it. He was so worked up he had puked all over himself AGAIN!!! Back to the bath tub for him. I got him all cleaned and comforted some what and I put him in his bed. I had to let my poor restless little man CIO, b/c I had lost my patience and couldn't take any more screaming baby.

I STILL haven't found the adapter to the baby monitor after 2 hours of searching, and I knew exactly where it WAS too. Needless to say DH has been on a weekend clean sweep thing (preparing for family visits for Thanksgiving), and nothing is where I've left it, and he's not here to tell me where it is. The worst part about that is HE probably doesn't even know where it is, b/c he puts things "up" most times never to be seen again....ARGH!!!

To all this add in 2 annoying dogs, who won't leave one traumatized cat alone, retarded loud-ass neighbors, and a phone that rings off the hook, and you have a Mama who's lost her temper one to many times to count who really needs a drink right now, but can't b/c she's home alone with the baby. To top it off I'm a hormonally bitchy with what I hope is AF on it's way (still haven't seen the likes of her yet). Now with a day like this, I can see why mothers kill their children......Thank God for my level head and Zoloft!!! I can not wait for DH's 5 days off I need a mini break.

Update of Sorts

*B* is FINALLY getting over his cold. He still sounds stuffy, but I would rather take stuffiness over snottiness any day. He gets his shots later today unfortunately, so he'll be thrown for a loop yet again, poor little guy. For some reason loud noises have been bothering him again. Before I know he had an ear infection, but alas he's finished his meds for it and while on his meds this wasn't an issue. It is again. So, I'm going to have his ears checked again today to see if he still has the infection in them. I just want my little guy to be healthy for a change, but I'm not holding my breath on any miracles with cold and flu season here and the temps going all whacky each day and night.

As for me well oral surgery went well. Unfortunately I now have dry socket that I'm dealing with. I was having tremendous pain still a week after the surgery. So I called the office where I got it done and they had me come in. Now, remember how I said I had a piece of mac and cheese stuck in my socket that got lodged there the day of my surgery? Well, it was there for 5 days before it finally came out. B/c of this I either lost my blood clot too soon or as I suspect it never formed, thus leaving me with dry socket. Can I just say that dry socket hurts like a bitch??? Well, it does!!! So, I've been having to drive 40miles to and from the office 3 times a week to have my socket cleaned and packed with medicated gauze in order to get over this. Which leads me to my gripe about the cost of gas and this trip...ARGH a financial strain on our wallet with Christmas coming for sure!! Not to mention that this procedure each time feels oh so good (hence the sarcasm). And with no pain meds left well yeah, OWWWWWW!!!! Otherwise I'm doing well.

I have more to whine, bitch, and complain about, but for right now it's 3am I have to get up early, I've got my millionth wind of the day and I still have bottles to wash, sterilize, and make............so I'm off to do all that and hopefully wind down before *B*'s 8am wake up call. NITE!!

First Cold

My poor little man. He has his first cold. He started with alot of sneezing Sunday night. Yesterday morning when he got up he was fine, then around 3pm his nose started running, along with ALOT more sneezing, and diarrhea. So, I called the Dr. to get him in, and his appt is at 10am today. He can't breathe very well, and each time he sneezes a snot rocket shoots out and he gags and gags. He's also had increased spit up too. He's back to sleeping in the bassinet tonite so he's closer to me. Mostly b/c I'm scared he'll stop breathing and I won't hear him. I have his head propped up and him laying on his side, but that doesn't reassure me at all. I have the humidifier running and I've given him cold medicine, as well as a warm bath in a steamy bathroom, but I think those things just made his snotty nose worse. His little nose is getting red from all the nasal bulb suctions I've been doing as well as all the tissue wiping. He's so cranky and clingy. I'm wondering if it's his first cold or his teeth, b/c his gums are ALL swollen and white on the bottom and he already has one broken through b/c it's prickley. I don't know if children get symptoms like this while teething or not, but guess I'll find out what the issue is at the Dr. in the morning. Just pray he gets better quickly and without getting much worse, please???

Oral Surgery

I had to have my wisdom teeth surgically removed on Nov.1st. It was simply dreadful. Upon waking I bawled like a little baby wanting my husband. I did however have some good dreams about *B* while I was out. Can't remember what they were, but I remember telling the nurse who woke me that I was dreaming about my baby. I'm doing alright now, but I was having alot of pain on the left side and I thought that I was getting or already had dry socket, here it was a piece of macaroni and cheese stuck in the hole from the night after sugery when I ate it. I've been brushing my teeth and rinsing with warm salt water, but it never came out. I finally got the nerve to look in there today b/c I had a weird taste coming from that side of my mouth and I thought it was infection and I saw that. I got out the tweezers and got it out. My goodness does it ever feel better now. Hopefully that hole will start closing up and healing since the other two have already started to do so. Unfortunately though since that food was in there I do have a little infection. I'm taking anti-biotics or the next 5days still so hopefully that will make it go away and won't warrant another office visit. It's been hard that is for sure, but I'm healing. Now only if *B* would stop head butting on either cheek things would be a whole lot better.

I Should Be Happier.....

****Word of Wise to my sister, please DO NOT take offense to this entry, but I have these things on my mind, and I need to put them down somewhere so I'm not filled with frustration.****

But I'm not. I love my little sister don't get me wrong. She's an EXCELLENT mother, but today's news of pregnancy #2 came as a shock and a heart ache to me. I know it's all that infertility mumbo jumbo coming out in me, b/c even though I have my wonderful miracle I still get that pang of jealousy and that knot of anger in the depths of my gut with every BFP announcement I hear, especially ones that come from my siblings. This baby I will love just as I love my neice now, which is with all my heart. BUT (yes there is always a but with me) I'm mad DAMNIT!!!! I tried for going on 6yrs to have *B*, went through God awful treatments that NEVER friggin' worked, and here she is not even trying b/c her DH was getting deployed for his third tour to Iraq on Oct.27th for a 15month stretch and BAM! she's pregnant. She's due around my little man's first birthday, which bothers me the most about the whole thing. I know I can't control when the baby actually comes, but I'm afraid that her due date being at this time his birthday isn't going to be that important, b/c everyone will be worrying about her as her pregnancy will be at it's end. And well, with her DH being gone and all I know the family members that count the most probably will not be at *B*'s first birthday party, b/c they will want to be in KY to give her support while delivering baby#2.

Then there is all his first holidays coming this year now, and with her planning on being up here from KY, I'm afraid that *B*'s first major events will be put to the wayside, b/c everyone will be making a big fuss of her and her growing belly. He's only 4months old, and I now feel that the next 8months aren't going to be that important to everyone about him. I may be wrong, but damnit.....I want him to be the center of attention, b/c he truely is a miracle, b/c nobody ever thought that he would be in this world, and here he is and now he has to compete with the new baby to be.

Lastly is that pang of jealousy in me. I'm supposed to be the most fertile right now up to *B*'s first birthday, and here we are not really trying but not preventing and nothing is happening. I'm still freaking late, and POAS as well as bloodwork before my oral surgery has no BFP in sight. I wanted to be first at something "good" in my family for once, but that again hasn't happened. She will be first at having 2 children. And even though she will have her hands full being a single mother for 6months after the new baby is born until her DH returns....I am JEALOUS!!! God, I wish this green monster would get off my back. Then there is the way that my family approaches me with information on these types of things. I don't want them to walk on egg shells having to watch everything that they say, but the scars on infertility on my heart are deep and ever-lasting, and just b/c I have *B* doesn't mean that they have went away. FAR FROM IT ACTUALLY!!! So, when I am more mature now and I don't scream, cuss, cry, and shout about the issue, I still wish that they would be sympathetic to the situation. They are not. I told my mom how I felt tonite after I knew that my sister had told her, and her response was you may be telling us the same thing in Jan. when you start trying again. That is not what you say to someone whose heart is vulnerable in the situation. Just understand I'm hurting and let me know that you are there for me WITHOUT taking sides, and then be supportive, but most of all let the news sink in, and let me adjust before offering your subtle comments on the issue at hand.

CONGRATS are in order for you Blu, and I am happy for you HONESTLY. It's just news like this still hurts to hear. Hopefully someday it will get easier, I'm just sorry that today wasn't the day. I love you, and can't wait to enjoy all your pregnancy moments. Good Luck and Belly Rubs!!!

Happy Halloween

Trick-or-Treat!!! *B* was a little devil as you can see. He was wide awake for the first hour of walking around with his cousins getting goodies, but then he wore out for the second hour as did Mama's arm who decided to carry him the whole way instead of pushing him in a stroller. He got lots of goodies which most he can't have, but I thought about letting him suck on a tootsie roll and lick a sucker, although I'm not sure if I should??? He looked so adorable in his little costume. It truely was an event to remember. I love my little devil!!!

One Year Ago Today

It was one year ago today that my world all changed. For the most part the walls were crashing down around me, with the secrets of my infidelity coming out. DH and I fought and we cried and fought some more and didn't talk to one another and cried and finally talked. We chose from that moment on to make one another a priority and not just an option. So, that evening late after many many hours of finding ourselves again we had make up sex. This is the night that one year ago *B* was conceived. I didn't know that this was happening at the time, but in most cases the timing couldn't of been any better. It was in my opinion God's way of letting me know that coming forward with this horrible news was the best thing I could of ever done. He showed us that things would be alright we just had to focus on each other again, and rekindle that love that we had misplaced so long ago b/c of the toll inferility had on our lives. I'm glad that things sort of had a way of working themselves out after the year that had happened before this event. I am still forever more thankful that our marriage lasted through those devastating blows. I do and I don't regret being unfaithful each for different reasons, but I have learned alot from it. I thrive from my mistakes and I must take the good with the bad. I'm more thankful for this day than I could of ever imagined b/c this is the day that all my dreams became realities.

I LOVE YOU BABY!!!

Late

I know that we aren't "officially" trying for #2 until the start of the new year, but when I looked at the calendar and realized I was a week late I couldn't help but to get all giddy feeling. Only doing the deed 3 times in the past 35days hardly constitutes as trying, but being as I was late, I figured I'd take a test any way. None to my surprise I found a BFN staring back at me, and that old familiar wave of heart-wrenching pain that I used to get before when dealing with infertility poured over me. I know TTC is not all grins and giggles, or easy by any means for that matter. It's just I would rather not have to deal with the infertility part of it all in the matters of #2. I'm not sure why I'm all down about the BFN either, b/c it's not like we were really trying per sae. It's just all the memories from all those years of trying flooded my emotions. I think that I'm alright with it for the most part and I keep telling myself that I'm not going to have to deal with infertility treatments again, but honestly I don't know that. I think I just try to make things a false reality for myself. You know the grass is greener on the other side sort of aspect. Nobody's future is a given, so why should I think mine is, ya know??? So, it's back to the drawing board and back to not trying but not preventing until Jan. I would like another surprise miracle without all that humping on demand BS, but I'll take what I get, and in the meantime I'll treasure and cherish every priceless moment I have with my present miracle right now.

OUCH!!!

Sometime during last night's theatrics with *B* I majorly hurt my back, neck, and right shoulder. My neck is stiff, and around my right shoulder blade is swollen horribly. This makes taking care of *B* very difficult. Everytime I try to pick him up, a horrible shooting pain goes from my neck around my shoulder blade and down to my finger tips. A couple of times my arm has even went numb and I feared I would drop him. I'm going to have to have to see the Dr. tomorrow about it and hopefully he'll give me somethign for the pain and figure out what the problem is and fix it.

It's horrible being like this b/c DH doesn't have any more time off that he can take this year, and I don't trust myself being with *B* like this. Maybe I can get a family member to help me out, but I'm not holding my breath on that one either. Goodness I just pray to feel better. Now I'm off to soak in a warm tub since *B* is in bed and then apply muscle rub and to bed with me. Pray that a nights rest helps would ya?? Thanks!!!

First Night in His Crib

It was last night, and it SUCKED!!!

We put him to bed at the normal 9pm and he was up every 2 hours on the hour from there on out. He cried until I picked him up then I rocked and shushed him back to sleep after offering him a bottle and changing his butt when needed, only to do it again in an hour and a half later. Finally at 5am enough was enough and Mama needed her sleep, so I put him back in our room in his bassinet and he slept from then until 10am. Then as you probably would of guessed he's slept the biggest part of today. Up only to eat a bottle, have his butt changed and get a bath at 7pm then back to sleep each time. I'm hoping he sleeps through the night and it doesn't throw off his sleeping habits, but I guess only going through the rest of the night will tell.

I'm not sure how to get him to sleep in his crib without waking so many times and getting so worked up about it, so any advice would be great???

I Wish...

that I could say that tonite was a better night than last night, and it was until oh about 9pm. I fed B*rennen his night-night cereal bottle, and he cuddle to my breast like he always does, he got sleepy and started acting his normal loopy self. At this point I decided to lay him in his bassinet. The VERY second that I put him in it he was wide awake and smiling up at me. I thought well if I leave him there he might just go to sleep. No such freaking luck. I no sooner got out of my room and flipped off the light and I heard him start to fuss. Then I proceeded into the computer room and he started to whail and gag. A few times I heard him settle and grunt, so I let him be. After this went on for about 20min, I decided it was time for Mama to rescue him from the depths of what he thinks is his horrible bed at the moment.

I realized that his grunting was him pooping or "trying" to poop. (One tiny rabbit sized turd was all he managed.) So, I figured I would give him a suppository b/c it's been almost 48hours since his last BM by this time, wait for it to come out, then change him and try again. He managed 10 or 12 more rabbit turds and then was happy. So, I set out to put him to bed again. I placed him in his bassinet without hearing a peep for 15min and then it started. He was screaming like someone was murdering him. I let this go on for only 5-10min when the neighbor called to ask if everything was alright b/c she could hear him. I said yes, just struggling with B and bedtime. I hung up with her and went to rescue him yet again. This time it took 45min of rocking for him to become drowsy. I then tried again, and only got to the bedroom door before he started. So, I thought well maybe there is something more wrong with him.

Diaper.....DRY.....Check. Maybe hungry......fixed a bottle......wanted nothing to do with it....ARGH. Stuck my finger in his mouth.......OMGoodness.....his tooth is about to pop through the gums. His gums on the bottom and top are rigidity and white and MAJORLY swollen. I found the problem. So, infant Tylenol to the rescue. One dose of that and 20min later B is sleeping and Mama's sanity returns. Thank God!!! So far he's been out without a peep for 25min. I can only now hope he sleeps through the night. Fingers crossed I'll let you know.

Patience....It's a Virtue

Not that I have any of that to spare anymore, but I desperately need more. I'm at my witts end tonite. I'm emotionally and physically drained. Brennen is developing his own personality and I'm sad to say it's one of those "I'm know I'm spoiled, so I'm the BOSS!!" ones. I'm trying desperately to teach him cause and effect, but at less than 4months old this is a chore. I know he's smarter than I think he is, though. Like if he's throwing a tantrum (which he does quite often) for no apparent reason, I'm like Brennen acting like that will get you no where, and he's starts to settle for like a VERY brief minute, but then goes right back to it again until he gets his way. Or he has this thing now where he throws himself back and flails his arms around and it's like he's trying to smack you in the face. When you say "No, no, Brennen that's not nice you hurt Mama or Dada." He thinks it's funny he'll look at you smile and do it again to see if he gets the same reaction. Now I wonder is 4months old to young to know what you're doing and is this just coincidence or does he know or is he learning right and wrong?

I'm slowly but surely losing my patience with this little one and his attitude, and I know I have to stay calm, b/c he can sense the difference in my moods, but I'm not sure how to break him of this, and I don't want to be one of those mothers being said "I told you so." to. I'm pretty sure he acts out this way, b/c instead of him molding to us, we're molding to him and his personality. It's hard though. I don't want to hear or see him cry, I want him happy ALWAYS, but then again I want him to know the difference between right and wrong so when he's old he doesn't act out any worse than he does now. Mr. 100% of my attention has to realize that there are things other than being in his eye contact during the day I need to get done without the fit he throws entailing that time. I guess I'm just going to have to get on my game plan and figure a way of breaking him form these bad habits before they get any worse.

Yucky Reflux

Well, I had to take the Cheeky Monster to the Dr. today. He'd been spitting up quite a bit the past couple of days. I told the Dr. that he's always spit up a little bit, but it's gradually getting worse. Her thoughts on the matter were that he's developed acid reflux. IMO, I don't really think that this is the case, but I'm going to go on her word at it and start adding a bit of cereal to each of his bottles throughout the day to see if that helps. I think that his spitting up has to do with his bowel issues. He has had horrible constipation problems since he was 15days old. I noticed that when he goes for more than a day without having a BM that he tends to spit up alot more. So, that is where I believe that he is getting the spit up from. Normally after he has a BM he's fine and no spit up for awhile afterwards. Who knows though I may be wrong, but we'll see. I'm supposed to call her on Monday morning with an update to how he's handling the cereal and if his constipation seems worse then as well.

There could also be another reason to this now that I come to think about it. A couple of days ago he was really fussy and I just chaulked it up to teething, b/c he had his hands in his mouth constantly. Any way, he had diarrhea I think it was Monday with EVERY feeding. That is also the day that his spitting up seemed to get worse. I'm now wondering if maybe he has a touch of the stomach flu or what the problem is. Today he's been alot happier than the previous days, so I maybe right. Guess we'll just see who in the end is right me or the Dr.....and IMO I know my child better than a Dr. so more than likely it'll be me, but we'll see.

Watching You Sleep

One of my favorite moments throughout any day is watching you sleep. You look so peaceful and content and I love you more than words can express. Tonight as I held you in my arms and fed you your bottle, then I burped you and nestled you back against my chest to watch your little body relax and fall asleep I fell in love with you all over again. I love doing this every night. I also love it when I'm feeding you and you rub my arm with your tiny little hand as if you're thanking me for a job well done. Each breath you take and each move you make astonishes me, and makes my heart beat a little faster. I never realized how in love I could be with you and I was like that before I ever even met you, as you are the very reason for my being and the smile brought to my face daily. You are definitely my gift from God that I awaited for so long, and you are the best gift He could of ever entrusted me with. I'm glad that you picked me to be your Mama. I know now that life is truely not measured by the breathes we take, but by every moment that takes our breath away, and that is what being your mother has done to me. I Love You, Baby!!

Something New (About Me and My Family)

I've been journaling for so long (be it at home on paper or TLOL), it's almost hard to start something new. Any way, my name is Catrisha, and most of you know me as CatrishaT from other sites. I'm 24yo, and married to my amazing DH, Cody, who is also 24yo. We've been married since May 2002. In the years we've been together we've endured many obstacles that have made us stronger as individuals, a couple, and a family. The first thing that was a major pothole in our relationship was both my DH's parents passed away from cancer early in our relationship. After this happened we obtained custody of his little sister, who isn't really little any more. She's was 14 at the time, and now she's 19 and Miss Independent. Throughout those years of raising her we tried and tried for own, only to discover that there were infertility issues at hand. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism which both worked against us in our quest for a family of our own. We went through many fertility tests, procedures, treatments, moments of hope, tears, and a m/c. Then finally this time last year was the first day to a new beginning although we wouldn't know it for another month. I was pregnant yet again.

My pregnancy was filled with many emotions, complications, loss, and turmoil to say the least. Finally on June 28, 2007 I was admitted into the hospital to make my hopes and dreams through the years a reality. After testing the first day for toxemia, followed by three days of induction my son, B*rennen M*addox, finally made his presence into the world on July 1, 2007. He was perfect weighing in at 6lbs 9oz with a height of 20in and Apgar's of 8 and 9 respectively. He was all mine and the wave of emotions passed through me, and at the same time the weight of years of infertility and struggles were lifted from my chest.

His first few days at home were a struggle as he had jaundice very badly and we had to keep going back to the hospital for daily bloodwork. As time passed though he got over it, Mommy moved into depression and developed PPD. Three months and a few odd days have passed since his birth though, and I'm on a rollercoaster ride now that has more hills than I was ever on while dealing with infertility. I'm a first time Mommy to an infant that is all my own, and I find things to be trial and error at times, but I'm adapting and we're learning as we go.