Baby Get Better

My dear sweet boy is sick. He's been sick on and off since last Wednesday, but really bad since Sunday morning. Wednesday and Thursday he was just really clingy and Thursday it was coming out both ends. I felt so unbelievably bad for him. Then Friday rolled around and he was fine, same with Saturday. Sunday morning at 5am I was awoke by his whimpers across the baby monitor. He was burning up. No fever before, but a fever now. So, Tylenol I gave him and a cup of water and put him back to bed. He was having none of that, so to our bed he came. Monday more fever, but no other symptoms, and a call to the Dr. with no appts for that day. So, yesterday more fever and more Tylenol and into see the pediatrician. The verdict....RSV AGAIN!!! My poor baby. He had it last year before Thanksgiving now again this year, and I'm not sure why he's getting it. Plus, an ear infection and a molar that came threw FINALLY!!! But, the worst part of this is that he's refused all foods and fluids since breakfast yesterday, to which he ate a bite of toast and only took a couple sips of his cup; and the pediatrician says that 24hrs without intake of any kind will warrant a stay in the hospital. So, I pray that he eats something in the morning or at least will drink something, b/c I'm not looking for another C*hildren's H*ospital stay.

On the plus side of this (as if there could be a plus side), he's usually a Daddy's boy. Well, he's only wanted Mommy, and while I love all the extra cuddle time and attention. I'm starting to get a cold from him I think. Well, that or lack of sleep and my system being run down from 24hr care. The sad part....when he's better I know his preference in which parent he prefers will resume..sniff, sniff. My little baby is growing into a little boy.

AF

The hag arrived today and naturally. Woo-hoo go my body. The things that amuse me..LOL. Least this means things might possibly be working right????? One can only hope.

The Weight of Insomnia

I HATE IT!!! My son has been in bed for hours now, thanks to lack of naps lately. Here I sit at 1:30am WIDE AWAKE. ARGH! I know that there are other things I could/should be writing about, but this one is the one that is bothering me now. I'm sure it has to do with my head swimming with different things, but at the same time even if I put those things into words on paper they would still be in my head. But here goes.....

I'm so very stressed lately. All this crap with H*attie, J*ordan, and H*unter has got my emotions in turmoil. I'm torn between what I should do and what I shouldn't do. It's putting a thorn in my marriage that has been so positive for months now. For once in my life I wish that parenting H*attie were over, but I know it will never truly be over. She is ours...kind of like when you get married for better or worse. Well, this is obviously the worst that it comes for her, and so she turns to us. DH however thinks that she should be left to fend for herself and parent H*unter. He says she's strong-willed and will thrive from the experience...me not so much. She begs me for help, and she comes to me and not him b/c well I'm not sure. Maybe the fear of rejection or being turned away, who knows. I just don't know what to do in the situation and so I ponder about it many hours, and most of them are while I SHOULD be sleeping.

Then there is fertility treatments. I almost positive that we're going to have to embark on them again. We had the m/c in March and before that we had been trying for a couple of months. Well, we're in the midst (actually the close to the end) of our tenth cycle. My limit at Au natural is one year. I refuse to go on and on hoping without knowing and not being proactive in our recreation attempts. So, that being said we have new insurance that started with the start of the new year, and the coverage wasn't exactly clarified I called Fertility Lifelines yesterday morning. They're going to check into my coverage for me since being on the phone for hours with a rep. while my 18month old screams in my ear isn't ideal in finding out anything. I just pray that it is decent coverage, b/c if not we'll be very limited in what types of treatments we can do financially. Oh how I wish that we could just conceive #2 naturally like we conceived *B* and the m/c, that would be wonderful. Not sure how realistic since with each passing cycle my hope fades a bit more, but you know.

Lastly there is *B* my heart breaks for him. My yearning for another child is so much greater with him. I look at him and each day there is something new he does and I no longer see a baby in him. Of course he's my baby, but each day those itty bitty traits are fading. Plus, he knows what babies are now with all the new little ones. He calls all little kids he sees in stores, books, magazines, on TV, and/or toys... "BABY." He remembers H*attie's big belly I think, b/c often times he'll lift my shirt stick his finger in my belly button and say "Mommy Baby Dair?!" in his sweet little voice. When H*unter leaves (or should I say when H*attie decides she wants to be a mom again) he'll walk around holding his palms up saying "Baby?" and looking for him. *B*'s very jealous when he's here of course, but he's also oh so loving. He'll come up and sit beside me and pat him oh so gently, he'll kiss his head, and try to take him from my arms if I'd let him. When he cries he'll take the bottle to him or get me a diaper and wipes. He's got so much love to pass onto a sibling. He gets along so well with other children and plays amazingly. Maybe I'm depriving him the ability to grow and expand socially, although I hope not. Maybe I should get him involved in a play group or something. It might help him and ease my mind. I just wish again that we could conceive a miracle to expand our family and keep him company. Ho hum!!

Incapable Mothers Having Babies

The shit is about to hit the fan. I'm sad and depressed, yet irritated and outraged at the same time. H*attie and J*ordan came to visit today, and to pick up their son whom we've had since New Year's, b/c they wanted to get trashed. Talk about a binger. Any way, H*attie was all giddy and acted like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin with excitement. So, I asked her what was up? I about fell over with a heart attack to her response.....I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant again. I took a test this morning and got a very light positive.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I asked her when they had sex, b/c she's not even 6wks post-partum yet. (She will be in a week although I'm not sure how as H*unter just turned a month old yesterday.) She told me when H*unter was 2wks old. Are you freaking kidding me??? When he was 2wks old we had him here. She was crying and sleep deprived and miserable, needed a break. We more or less gave them the opportunity to have another baby that we'll be left to take care of when s/he is a newborn. They're not even taking care of the child they currently have properly, and then this news pisses me off. While I hope that it's a false positive I'm sure it's probably not, and I don't really know what to think.

I'm sad beyond belief. How can this be possible? Why is this happening? Why not DH and me, we've been trying for #2 for almost a year now? Then there comes the rage. I want to wring her scrawny little neck. I want to cut of his pecker. I want to scream at them you think one is hard, you're going to have two and only 10months apart. She has no idea, it's like she's not even living in the real world, but yet her own little fantasy world. I think she thinks we're always going to be there to help her out or bail her out. I'm beginning to think not so much any more. I just want to cry. I can't be happy for them, and I tried to talk to DH. His response you're the one making it too easy on them it's no wonder she's pregnant again. I don't want to hear your belly-aching, b/c this wouldn't of happened had it not been for you taking H*unter off their hands for them. You should of let them suffer it out like every other couple with a newborn has to do, and things of that nature.

For once licking my infertility wounds will not help. This hurt is too deep and way too painful. I just pray that God has that family's best interest at heart, b/c I'm pretty sure I'm ready to wash my hands of the situation.

Happy New Year

A new year... a new set of hopes.... and another resolution. Like so many of us I think that we put so much emphasis on the dropping on the ball as a new leaf being turned for us. For myself, I guess I'm one of the followers, b/c I do the same. At the beginning of every new year I feel so full of hope as though something miraculous will occur and forever my life will change. I start into the new year each time with the hopes of something new panning out before the year concludes, always ALWAYS to have my hopes crushed come the dropping of the ball for the next new year. I naively follow old wives tales (eating sour kraut and pork for your first meal in the new year for good luck and kissing a loved one right as the ball drops) each year, which I know are lame but traditional, and still do these things change the outcome of what lies ahead? Nope, probably not. So, now that my hopes for 2008 never came full circle and the year is gone, with 2009 upon us I'm left with new hopes. I'm leery as to put them to words as though it may jinx there ability to come true, but as part of my newest New Year's resolution I'm putting myself out there. So,

my resolutions for 2009:
-live in the moment, don't over analyze just let whatever happens happen, and if I feel out of control go with it, it might be the defining moment in 2009 that changes my life
-try to be more manageable and organized
-I've always wanted to lose "x" amount of weight each year, so this year I'm going to say get fit, adapt a healthier lifestyle, and stick to it
-start and finish with no days missed The Biggest Loser Challenge: Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred workout video

my hopes for 2009:
-to stick with and resolve ALL my New Year's resolutions
-to get a bfp, and maintain the pregnancy with little to no complications and have a happy healthy baby
-that my family will find peace in themselves and guidance to perserveer and grow and that they will be able to do this themselves without having to rely on DH or myself
-to grow as a person and find more "ME" time if at all possible

Best wishes to each of you and Happy New Year. I hope each of your resolutions you stick to and your hopes and dreams come true for this year.

Merry Christmas!!!

Things here have been hectic to say the least. I think that each and every one of our lives is filled with lots of chaos at this time of year, but I truely believe that some more than others. Since 12/17/08 I've had H*unter here all except for one night. H*attie and J*ordan came to get him this morning. I couldn't imagine being away from my baby this long at this age and on Christmas morning of all mornings, but she doesn't mind in fact she's the one that asked me to keep keeping him. She's having a hard time with PPD, but she won't contact her Dr. to get treatment for it. Plus, I suppose that J*ordan losing his job the Friday after they came home from the hospital has played a huge toll on them too. For me mothering two is hard work. It's not H*unter that is giving me the issues, but *B*. He's jealous...and he very well should be as I'm his Mommy and he doesn't fully understand why there is this new little baby in this house taking away my time from him. He's not been sleeping well for us again b/c he's afraid he'll miss something when it comes to H*unter. Any way, he's home with his parents now and I hope to get some much needed sleep and spend some quality time with my baby tomorrow playing with all his new toys that he got today from Santa, b/c thankfully he's sleeping and at a decent time. Unfortunately since things are still bleak for H*attie and them, I'm sure it won't be long before I'm getting a call asking me to keep him yet again. Oh, and while I love having him here and spending time with him DH isn't as thrilled....he thinks I'm making it too easy on them. So, there has been alot of bickering between him and me. For me I'm torn between the best interest of the baby or let them deal with it???? I weigh this and each time I worry about that little guy, b/c it's not his fault that his parents more or less can't handle him and don't want him around. What would you do?
As for us....we didn't get my godson. S*andra would be rolling in her grave. The lady that originally contacted us from CPS never called and never called. Finally come late the afternoon of the placement I couldn't stand being on pins and needles any longer I called her. I asked her what was going on with his placement and should we be expecting him. Her response to me was "He's already been placed in a good foster home that is adequate for providing for him that is already licensed and wouldn't need to re-certify, plus L*uke (the dad) doesn't want him placed with you.....I can no longer discuss the case with you." Since then I've had a million questions run through my head that I wish I would of asked her, not sure if she would of answered them or not, but now I'll never know; instead I politely said thank you for your time and hung up. Of course I bawled, b/c S*andra would never of wanted this. He's not been placed with any of S*andra's family, and the CPS lady isn't releasing any information to them about him. I'm not sure how L*uke still had a say-so as I'm pretty certain that CPS had custody at this point, but who knows. I just pray that his best interest was at heart and he's well taken care of where ever he is.

Today....well, present opening was a blast. That was until *B* lost interest in the ripping of paper and only wanted to play with the gifts that attracted his attention already that he'd opened. We probably over did it with gifts for *B*, but I loved seeing his face as each gift was revealed and then when DH opened each one and put it together so he could play with it. His favorites were the fish aquarium that DH's older sister got him, the basketball ball hoop that my sister got him, the robot that one of my aunt's got him, the tool set and bouncy zebra that we got him, and the trike that my mom got him. DH got me new clothes and shoes, a spa package, and a gift certificate to get my hair cut and colored. I got him clothes, cologne, tools, and a Starbucks gift card. We were more worried about *B*, and he made out like a bandit. There was lots of great food and many memories to last a lifetime as this was his first Christmas that he could get into opening gifts and what not. Of course he was the Christmas ham, and put on a show for everyone of our family members at each place we visited. Oh my do I love my son. All and all it was a great day, and I need my sleep now that the stress-filled event is over, and I'm back down to just having my child...LOL. I'll leave you with some of my favorite pics from the three Christmas dinners that we either held or attended. Merry Christmas Everyone, Hope You Were just as Blessed as We Were!!!

Christmas with DH's side of the family at our house on December 20th:

Christmas at my Aunt's house December 24th...the robot that he LOVES!!!:

*B*'s reaction to seeing

This and this when he woke up this morning:

Opening and playing with his gifts this morning at our house.

Christmas at my mom's house today:

***Oh and if you've made it this far check out my post below this one from yesterday....I'm an Aunt again to ANOTHER preemie.***

'Tis the Season for Premature Babies

Well, at least in my family it must be. I am an aunt yet again this month. My step-sister who wasn't originally due until 1/23/09 had her little girl. She's 5wks early, so tiny, but adorable. My step-sis had something called cholestasis (sp?) that deals with your gallbladder. It's causing the gallbladder to release toxins into her blood stream that her liver can no longer filter out and it was causing the baby to be under-developed and not move like she was supposed to. Her Drs. told her that if she stayed pregnant one week longer it was likely that the baby and/or herself may die. Mother and baby are both doing fine. The baby has had a couple of breathing spells where she forgets to breath since she was born, but nothing that has warranted NICU time or any hospital time for that matter. So she was started on an induction method the night of 12/18/08. Please help me welcome to the world my adorable niece

B*rayLynne N*evaeh

December 19, 2008 @ 12:52pm

5lbs 2oz......18in.

I wasn't able to see her for the first time until Christmas day as I was busy, busy, busy (aren't we all at this time of year though?), and I couldn't get over just how tiny she is. Here is a picture of her fitting into a little babydoll carrying thing that one of my other nieces received for Christmas.

Here is my step-sis and little B*rayLynne.

My jealous heathen, but he's so full of love to give to any baby. He's giving her kisses on her head here.

Here is B*rayLynne and her Daddy.