Happy 3rd Birthday Baby!!

Three years ago today at 1:17pm you came into our lives. Mommy had an extremely difficult pregnancy with you (spotting from 7wks-13wks, pre-term labor at 26wks, and pre-ecclampsia at 30wks into full blown toxemia at 36wks) and an incredibly long labor (43hrs 17min of HARD induced labor), but the minute that you came into the world none of that compaired to you. You were 6lbs9oz and 20in of joy. Daddy and I had longed for you for what seemed like an eternity, and you have been well worth our wait. Each day being your mother is a new experience to me, and you marvel me in your awe numerous times daily. I'm so grateful for being your mother, and you are my happiness, joy, and my life. There is not a moment that I wouldn't move heaven and earth for you if I had to. I love you with all my heart and more. You are definitely not a baby any more though (even though you'll always be my baby), you're a devilishly charming toddler who's potty trained and into EVERYTHING!! You have your own personality and opinion on everything, and even on days that I can't stand that trait of your's coming out yet... I'm so proud of you and glad that you are you!! I wouldn't trade a single part of you for anything in the world.

We're not doing anything special for your birthday today, except making brownies per your request... but don't fret my darling blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy b/c your Spon*gebob party is on Saturday and it's sure to be an all out bash!! I hope that you have a wonderful day today, as you have made my life wonderful everyday since you came into it. Thank you baby for choosing us as your parents, we love you... xoxo!!

I'll leave ya'll with a slide show of *B* starting from his first ultrasound to now through the years. Enjoy!

Wordless Wednesday- Potty Success!!

We have full potty training success... day AND night!! And all before his third birthday. I couldn't be more proud!!! WOOT!! WOOT!!

What Is Your Greatest Fear?

Usually I hate Fac*ebook, b/c well let's face it... it's made the world so impersonal. But as I was looking around on there at some of my friends' statuses I found one that caught me entirely off guard and made me think. Her status simply read as follows, "What is your biggest fear?"

At first I read it and brushed it off, as there weren't any responses yet. Then when I returned there this morning the people were sounding off. There were a large variety of responses ranging from spiders to clowns to health issues to living alone to death. So, I read every response carefully, and then I sounded off on my biggest/greatest fears.

I do have many fears. They come and go as things in my life change. After my DH lost his parents when they were at a young age (early 40's) my ultimate fear was losing my DH early. Both of his parents passed away from cancer, so it's in his genes and that scares the bejesus out of me; especially with my DH being a smoker and not really taking care of himself in the healthy sense of things the way he should. Back before we conceived *B* my greatest fear was that I would never become a mother to my own child. Infertility was robbing me of that and strangling the life out of my every glimpse of hope into motherhood. I felt like I wasn't a complete woman b/c I couldn't sustain a pregnancy and birth a child. Now that I'm a mother I fear something happening to my son. Whether it be someone physically hurting them to prolonged illnesses to death I don't think I could handle that. I would kill someone or a part of me would die right along with him. I fear both DH and I dying and leaving behind *B* alone with no siblings to help him cope with losing us. I have smaller more petty fears such as spiders, thunderstorms, and the sound someone dragging their nails across a blackboard makes, but compaired to my ultimate basic biggest fear those are minor. In one word my biggest fear is: DEATH.

I know that you're not supposed to fear death if you have lived your life right, b/c you'll be greatly looked after and rewarded in the here after. But how do you know that you're living your life that way? How do you know that you're going to heaven? How so you know that there is even a heaven at all? I lost faith in God a long time ago in my struggle with life and infertility. Do I pray? Yes, don't we all? But believing is a totally different subject for me. Maybe I'll end up where I want to be, maybe not... but for goodness sakes I'm no where near ready to die, b/c death scares the shit out of me.

So, what is your greatest fear? Please don't be scared to share... I have. Also, in closing I will leave you with a great quote about fear in yourself and overcoming it,
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’ -Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles

What He Wants, He Shall Have...

hopefully?!?! *B* wants a Spon*gebob cake for his birthday. Lord, help me when I got pricing on cakes to feed 25-50 people yesterday. My normal cake maker for his birthday cakes since his birth said she could do one for cheap-o, but it would be plain (aka one of those edible pictures and that's it). So, I scoured the internet today high and low for different cakes and easy ways of making a doable Spon*gebob cake. I came up with THIS ingenious design at Cake Fixations for the cake of my little man's dreams that has step by step how-to instructions. I'm hoping it's as easy peasy as it looks. I'm going to do a trial run through in smaller version this weekend. Hopefully, I'm able to accomplish this... b/c if not it's back to the drawing board. Wish me luck.

PS: How fabulous are those cakes at Cake Fixation , btw? She's mega talented!!

Wordless Wednesday- Today I'm...

(actually organizing, but who's keeping track??) 8 Days until the Monster is 3 YEARS OLD!!! 10 Days until his party.... the crunch is on!!!

Summer Fun

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers! My name is Catrisha. I'm 26, but I'll be 27 in August. I'm married to my amazing DH, Co*dy. We have one son named B*rennen, whom I call *B* or the Monster on this blog that will be 3yrs old in 10 short days. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism that basically cripples my normal fertility life. I've had quite a few m/c's with my most recent being this passed April, and b/c of this m/c DH and I are on a break from TTC#2 b/c I'm just not ready mentally or emotionally to take that leap again right not. If you would like to know more in depth details about my TTC Journey... you can do just that by clicking the tab above labeled "My TTC Journey." Happy ICLW and thanks for getting to know me.

Now back to my regular scheduled blogging...

The family and I have been soaking up the summer fun this passed weekend. With my DH turning 27yrs old the day before Father's Day and then Father's Day we had a GREAT weekend. Well all except for I'm now sporting a broken toe. (I'll tell ya'll about that in a second.) So, on Friday DH and I have been trying since Memorial Day Monday to get this huge stump out of our back yard from a tree that got cut down. We were going to get a stump grinder to do it, but the cost for that labor was outrageous. Any how, we put our back into it and dug the stump out. So, now we can FINALLY put our swimming pool up, as that was the only flat area we had. That's next weekend's task though (only DH isn't all to thrilled. LOL!). Oh and *B* got to catch lightening bugs that night and the night before.

Then came Saturday and DH's birthday. It started on a good note, until after about an hour of calling around on DH's part we found out that nobody was neither or open nor could deliver sand to put under our pool till the following weekend. So, he was irritated. (Not sure why though, I wouldn't of wanted to work on my birthday and he didn't but it was like he wanted to. Who knows? Men!) After that fiasco, *B* and I went and picked up DH's ice cream birthday cake from DQ. It was all messed up and I wasn't pleased with how it looked at all. I only got $3 taken off the price, but still if I could make ice cream cakes I'm sure the design on the top would be alot less plain than this one (that "I Love My Daddy" thing is a plastic that just pops off).After picking up the cake we brought it home and headed to Wal*Mart to pick up a Father's Day gift for my Dad. When we got there we found out that the porch swing that I've wanted for forever was on rollback, but our local Wal*Mart was out of stock with it. So, after standing at customer service for abot an hour while they called around to store within an hour drive time they finally found one and we were off. We headed 35min away, got the swing, and then went out to dinner at Ste*ak-N-Sh*ake for DH's birthday. When we finally arrived home it took about 2hrs to get that swing together, but it looks good sitting on the front porch, and I LOVE IT!!

Father's Day *B* and I got up early and went and got DH's new shoes that he wanted for his present. He wanted that and power tools, but he's less picky about shoes. Get the man a pair of K*Swiss shoes that are his size and the style he goes for and he's fine. Tools that's another story... LOL! Then it was home to wake him up, give him his gift, and pack a cooler for the local pool. We went and swam all day. It was soooo much fun.After *B* decided at one point (after I slipped in the pool and broke my toe), that he was climbing the ladder and running away from us toward where our stuff was sitting and fell and hit his head. So, we left. But, yeah I'm claiming this the year of the broken bones for me... first the broken thumb now the broken toe. After that we went to a Father's Day cookout at one of my best friend's house. Three of my six best friends were there, and I missed the other three but it was still a great time.After we all ate, we swam again in my friend's pool while the guys all played horseshoes. To end the day the guys left off some fireworks, and the kids went running with ears covered. If I could have weekends like this one EVERY weekend I most certainly would. This was a GREAT weekend and I loved it.

Mother Nature...

you're a cruel dispiteful bitch. I so wish that yesterday before I decided to POAS b/c it's been 7wks since I've had any bleeding (after my m/c) that you could of given me an inkling that you had AF lurking for me that day. I had no signs or symptoms of either one, but DH and I have had sex so that's why I POAS. Of course it was a BFN. Two hours later the hag arrived.

I really need to get into the OB/GYN as I'm a hot mess on my cycles. I just don't feel like it though. I'm simply tired of being poked and proded at, and only being told the next line of treatment when the last one made me produce eggs and blah, blah, blah.... I'm sure you've all been there. It's gets old really fast. I'm on a break and I'm checked out mentally from TTC. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't... but I refuse to consume my every thought with it from now on. It's the only way I feel I can heal myself from my loss and everything else.

Shameless Advertising

I've never done this on my blog, but I have to throw a shameless advertisement out there. A couple of weeks ago I went to a Pure Romance party. I had soooo much fun. So much so that I'm thinking of becoming a consultant actually. I'm not shy or timid at all if you know my IRL, so this is a very fitting job for me if I go threw with it. Any way, if you've never been to a party or used the products that they have available I definitely recommend you going to a party or using their products. They're pretty inexpensive for good quality products, they DEFINITELY spice up the bedroom life. **Take my word on this (wink, wink).** Any how, after attending the party that I went to I decided to have my own party (you know until I make up my mind on becoming a consultant) and so I'm putting it out there for anyone that reads my blog and would like to order any of their products that you can do so from me until July 24th. I need payment made by that time too (cash, check, or credit) and your order will be shipped discreetly to your home within 2wks of the closing date of my party (July 25th). You can check out the products by clicking here at Pure Romance Products and then email me with any questions or orders at catrisha{underscore}tittle{at}yahoo{dot}com **Please insert the correct things in each bracket of my email address.**

PS: If you don't feel comfortable giving me your payment info or sending me your payment I can give you the name and address of the consultant doing my party for you to give that info to.

The End of Some Eras

Some good, some bad... all things must come to an end.

This past weekend really tugged at my heart strings. After months of the Monster growing out of things, I finally decided to have a garage sale. Selling clothing and toys that he's out grown didn't really bother me (well except for when he had a meltdown when a woman carried off a learn to walk with push toy lawn mower). What bothered me was finally breaking down and deciding to sell all the bigger baby items that DH and I had been storing away. On Thursday evening as I had help with one of my best-friends carrying *B*'s crib, changing table, swing, bassinet, bouncer, high chair, and walker to the garage to set up for the sale I reminisced over every item and the milestones he reached while using each item. My heart fluttered, my lip quivered, and as I told her things I remembered *B* doing in each item the tears started to flow. It was my choice to sell all these bigger items, and now that they are all gone I ponder if it was the right decision. We aren't doing any treatments, we're actually taking a break from TTC. I don't feel like "trying" any more honestly. I can't handle the heartache or heartbreak that comes along with it, and thus it kind of made the decision of selling off these items easier. I know my heart mourns the loss of the items, but I'll forever have my memories that were made with my son in each one. I just wish that we would of been able to make memories with another child in them as well. But, *B* will be 3 in less than a month and I just felt as though it was time to let go and well let whatever happens happen... I suppose if we get a BFP again and go to term we can always buy new like we did the first time.

The end of the second era all in the same week/weekend was I officially have a potty trained boy. He's not completely night trained yet, and we're still working on that and wearing pull-ups at night, but he's now sporting cute little El*mo, To*y St*ory, and outer space underwear through the day. I'm so proud of him. We've been doing the on and off potty training thing for 18mths (I know WAYYYYY to long) with him pooping in the potty pretty much all the time for the past year. We've had our set backs and what not, but this was surely a long time coming. And let me just say he's sooooo happy with himself. He's growing up all too fast, and even though I've been blessed to be a SAHM sometimes I think back and see how fast it's went and think I've missed so much even though I haven't. (That's why I haven't been blogging so much, I'm spending so much time with him b/c I don't want to forget a single moment, or miss it for that matter.)

The end of the third era in the past month that I'm thrilled about, but sadden about too is *B* is no longer co-sleeping with DH and I. We didn't do anything different really, except when we get up to make him use the potty at night we put him in his bed instead of returning him to ours. He's been coming to our bed for a year now (ever since we moved in the house), and DH and I were lacking in the sleep dept. Now, since we started that he's just not been coming to our bed at all. When he was a baby and in his bassinet I kept him in our room until he was almost 6mths old. When I knew it was time for him to be in his crib, b/c he was out growing the bassinet; I couldn't sleep at night, b/c I couldn't hear him breathing anymore except over the baby monitor which let's face it isn't the same. Now that's he's been in our bed for a year and even though I wasn't getting the best sleep, I was sleeping. Now that he's gone... I'm back to not being able to sleep again b/c he's not there to snuggle or hear breathing.

The end of the fourth and final era is death of a sippy cup. This was a hard one, and like bottle breaking really. He's cried for it, but I encourage him he can get the same refreshing drinks from a regular cup as he was his sippy. This was a combined effort of us doing this by him throwing his sippy cups out the window of our moving vehicle while going 60mph down the highway 4 different times, and the fact that I refused to spend more money on cups if he was just going to chuck them out the window. So, I put my foot down and disposed of all the sippies in the house and we're doing plain water in a regular cup with wet spots down our shirt right now. LOL! He's trying hard he's just impatient and used to chugging on the sippy cup and hasn't figured out how to master a similar technique on a regular cup yet without drenching himself. We'll get there it's just slow going.

But, like I opened with all things must come to an end and so must this entry. So, catch ya'll on the next entry and I hope that you're enjoying Summer 2010 with your loved ones as much as I am.

PS: You like the new blog design? And is there anything you'd like me to change if not?

Finding Myself

For so long I have let so many things around me define me, other than me. I've been "the older sister" when it came to my eight siblings. I'm "the listener" when it comes to my friends. I'm "the in-law-less one that raised her teenage SIL to adulthood" when it came to losing DH's parents and raising H*attie. I became "DH's wife" when I married him. The thing that I let define me the most was my infertility. It still defines. I'm the "Infertile" one. I've spent so many years dealing with the depression that I've consumed myself with from this diagnosis, and still on days/weeks/months (like this past one) it capsulates my every thought, emotion, and action. Since becoming "*B*'s Mom" I've tried so desperately hard to seperate myself from that label. But, never have I fully detached myself from such a hard and harsh label.

Unfortunately as time passes and we continue to TTC#2 even after the m/c, I can't shake the label. It's defining me again, and even more so I feel. I can't get away from the looks of pity and regret from others, or their questions and comments about adding to our family. I see the change in the mirror and on the scale that the grief toll has taken on my body. I'm no longer a size 10. I have bags under my eyes, and lots of mornings I wake with puffy eyelids from crying myself to sleep. I'm getting tiny wrinkles even, and I'm only 26. I analyze our marriage and know that this is where we fell and are falling apart at. I'm tired of feeling tethered to this label, this definition that has consumed so much of my adult life.

Today, I realized how miserable I truely am being defined as things I do not wish to be labeled as any longer. Today, I finally pulled my head from my ass and woke up. Today, I put my foot down and decided it was time for change. Today, I start finding me... the me I want to be. The me that is not labeled by others or things in her life. Today, is the first day down a new road into the land of unknown... and I'm scared to death, yet thrilled to finally be finding myself and breaking free from it all. Today is the first day of the rest of my life without dragging around a ball and chain that has a label on it. Today, I start living for me and letting others know I'm living for me too. Today is the day...