Welcome ICLW and Things Thus Far

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven (or hell depending on the day) in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog but still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighten yourself on that. (Got to love how I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

If you're here looking for things about the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof... you won't be finding them either except in previous entries that didn't last very long. I don't quit on anything usually, but this I did. Not b/c I didn't care or I don't love my DH, but b/c there has been a change of events that has brought a hell storm upon our love, our marriage, and our commitment to one another. I realized after he started stalking my blog, after I started hacking his email and FB account that I wasn't in the wrong for doing the Love Dare or writing about him... but I was in the wrong for not trusting him. (With good reason though I lost that trust.) I also realized that our marriage is more fragile that I thought and that we need more help than the steps of any Love Dare would of done for us at this point. So, all I can say is we're not good, but we're not horribly bad... we're in between and we're both of us trying to work on things.

As for my blog and going private... I'm not. I thought about it. DH and I talked about it. He knows it's my venting outlet about a whole slew of things. He knows that I receive support from so many of you out there in the blogosphere when I need it. So, b/c of that I'm staying open tot he public albeit with some exceptions, which those that follow me will be able to pick up on in the coming weeks as I write.

In other news... H*attie is still living here, and I'm pretty sure that that chapter is about to close. After a very tearful conversation between DH and I, he realized that she uses word play on little things and with those words drives deeper wedges between him and me. So, he's giving her an out date now that she has a job. I'm hoping this time he'll stand his ground on the matter.

... *B* is growing like a weed around here. He's so smart. I've been teaching him his colors and he knows them all, but has a hard time deciphering between black, brown, and gray. He knows his numbers 1-10 and the actual amount that each of those are. He knows his left from his right. He's in size 4T in all clothes, and a size 9 in shoes. He's in love with his mohawk. He's got a tender heart. And lastly he's such a big helper boy. I'm so lucky to be his Mommy, I couldn't of asked for a more wonderful and perfect son. God truly blessed me 3 1/2yrs ago.

And in closing... if you've made it this far I and you find me interesting and would like to stick around, feel free to follow my blog over there on the left... b/c if you follow me I'll follow you. All you have to do is let me know that you're a new follower of my blog by comment. I'm trying to get to 50 followers, and if I do I have a giveaway in store. So, please I encourage you to follow away. Happy ICLW!!

CD 1

It's funny how in the midst of all the bullshit going on here I can even think about such things as the start of a new cycle. But good ol' Aunt Flo arrived here today. Maybe it's from stress or maybe my body is desperately trying to get back on track, who knows. However, I'll take it as it made last cycle 34 days long, which is a far cry from the 60 or 60+ day cycles I've been having. As for things here I can't really say, b/c I'm being blog stalked now.

YES, CODY, YOU READ THAT RIGHT... I'M NOT SAYING!!!

I do appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers, comments, and support though as it is helping me personally through this very rough patch. I don't know what I'm going to do about my blog. But, as promised I'll keep ya'll informed... but mostly this post was just to document my cycle. For now, I'm back to internet silence.

Privacy

Today has been one of the most emotional days I've had in awhile and it's only 4pm. But, I thought I would let ya'll know that I took down the blog's fan page on FB, and I'm going to be going private as well within a few days. At this point I'm not sure if I'll be adding readers to the line up, but I'll let you know before I go private on my plans. Thanks for always being there for me and being so great.

I'm Done

I was continuing the Love Dare up until yesterday when I got online and found that DH and this girl that lives at the end of our blog had been talking and texting each other. I had days 9 & 10 to write about, and I even wanted to muster up the love and energy in my heart to try to do yesterday's dare Day 11, but I couldn't. Then after talking to a good friend and posting about what had happened on my FB blog fan page I received this private message from DH:

"Hey i'm not doing anything with her just talking... and all she did was sent her phone number to my email. why should u save this marrage u didn't care about it 4 years ago... why now... and please don't be posting things that i do on the sites u go to... I've never cheated on u since we be married... i gave this marrage another shot...i bet none of them girls that u talk to know what u did to me...u always make it look like i did something wrong... when i didn't... u tryed to get rid of me once and if u want me gone i'll leave just tell me. I/m going to bed so maybe we'll talk or what ever..."

Apparently I don't write about how I cheated on him, even though I have just go back through my posts. Apparently he's never cheated on me while we've been married, (although cheating on me while we were dating and engaged is alright) and even though I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate. Apparently I want to get rid of him even though I've been doing this Love Dare to try to keep him and make things better. And ultimately I'm not allowed to write about him or us anymore anywhere, so.......... I'm not sure if I'll be writing anywhere anymore at all online except for school when it starts, and honestly at this point I don't even have my heart into that now. All I can do is ask you all to pray for me and us, b/c we need it. Thanks.

Love Dare- Day 8

Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15

I got rid of the negatives list. I don't want to dwell on the bad things about my DH. He's a good man and has a good heart... I just wish that 100% of the time that tribute in him came shining through.

Any way, my DH has been ginseng hunting. He's trying to get enough of it so that when he goes to cash it in we'll get back a good bit of money to put toward our county fair coming up at the beginning of next or toward Christmas. Yesterday morning he got up before the rooster even crowed to go out hunting and when he came home he was beat. But, he came home with ALOT!!! I told him today that I was really excited that he was ginseng hunting again (which is huge in and of itself b/c he hasn't went since my FIL passed), and that I was excited that he'd gotten so much already. I told him I was really proud of him and that I couldn't wait for the fair or Christmas, b/c I knew he was working hard to make things good for us.

Love Dare- Day 7

Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8

Today wasn't all that hard. I have a love/hate relationship with many characteristics that my DH has. So, there is a fine line and making the lists was fairly easy. Here are my lists...

Positives:

• He's a hard worker and excellent provider for our family.
• He's an amazing father in many areas.
• He has a big heart and will do anything for anyone.
• He's a wonderful lover when he puts effort into it.
• He's a jack of all trades and can do just about anything handy that needs doing around the house.
• He helps me out with house hold chores occasionally.
• He's a great snuggler.
• He's a great cook.
• He's great at encouraging me and everyone else.
• He's an awesome supporter in most everything I do.

Negatives:

• He's not very good at listening when things are important.
• He lacks patience and is short-tempered at times.
• He's not romantic or spontaneous anymore.
• He's jealous alot, and accusive.
• He doesn't give credit to me where credit is due, and I rarely get a chance to have "me" time b/c he's got some lame reason.

The positive that I picked to make emphasis on was his snuggling and cooking skills. He made dinner tonight and it was excellent. I told him so, and that he was an incredible cook and that I loved when he cooked for us. Tonight I asked him to keep me warm b/c we went to the races as well, and my has fall came early. He put his arm around me, and pulled me close to him. I told him I loved being so close to him and in his arms, b/c it made feel safe and secure. Loved moments like tonight.

Love Dare- Day 6

Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16

Today I decided to react to yesterdays comments, but with a clearer thought process. I addressed the other guy issue and the weight issue. I explained to DH that I am trying to find a healthier new me, but it's not going to happen over night. I didn't gain all this weight over night and losing it over night is just as unhealthy as being fat. He agreed and told me that he would help me in the process where ever I wanted and needed help. I have to confess though that I'm losing weight only to get pregnant again and seemingly become obese again, b/c well you gain weight while pregnant. So, that is one wrong motivation I'm letting go of. I've decided to to lose weight in order to be healthier and to be more active with my family, if I get pregnant along the way so be it... I'll just start over again.

As for the other guy issue, I simply told DH that in his head what he may think happened between me in the other guy didn't. In his heart I hope he knows the truth and can believe what I've told him despite the rumors he's been told from others. I also told him that when he's able to forgive me for the wrong that I did to our marriage then I will tell him the the details of the night that things happened if he wants to hear them. However, with him still having so much rage about the course of events leading up to my one night stand and night of betrayal I don't think now or anytime soon will be the right time for him to hear such things.

Love Dare- Day 5

Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritatted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12

Today was a hard day/task for me to complete. I did complete it, but the answers that DH gave me struck my heart right at the core. I simply asked DH to tell me a few things he could think of that make him irritated or uncomfortable by me. His response was almost bitter, and definitely hurtful. I didn't attact him back, and I didn't cry but I do keep thinking about what he said. Not all of them, b/c there was more than 3, but the ones that hurt me the most. He answered by telling me that sometimes being in the same bed with me after he knows that I slept with another man (which was 4yrs ago) and so "easily" put out to the other guy, when I won't have sex with him irritates him about me. I didn't put out to the other guy easily and he has no clue about the circumstances of what happened nor will I ever fully tell him. Maybe I should, but in my heart and mind it's better he doens't know all the details. It was a one time thing and still 4yrs later it's brought up and thrown in my face even though I wasn't the only one cheating at the time.

Then he made mention of my weight making him uncomfortable. Well, it may make him uncomfortable to be seen with me, but saying that and me actually being big makes m uncomfortable myself. I didn't need to be told. I'm working on my weight though now that I've went to the dietitian... but it's only been 2 days.

The other thing that he said that I haven't done is forever, b/c I'm not even focused on was basically asking him for sex on specific days only b/c I thought/think I was O-ing. Ummm hello, we both want another baby that is how you get another baby, he knows this. I just wish he wouldn't complain. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Love Dare- Day 4

Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3

Today was a total fail. I can admit when I fail, I fail. It wasn't a fail completely on my part though. I blame it on my electric company. You see I was mega busy all day long running errands for my Dad, paying bills for us, and grocery shopping... only to come home at one point (before having to head out AGAIN) to find a message on the answering machine telling H*attie she had a job if she could start today at 3:30pm. It was 1:20pm when I got said message. Any way, continue the frantic running around getting her things for her lunchbox and finding her a ride to work, b/c I refused to do it with it being a 20-25min drive away. But, I got that all out of the way and was finally able to head home, but still needed to go to W*al-M*art for somethings and didn't have time b/c I needed to wake up DH.

After I get home and get him woke up, he decides that instead of me going to WM why don't we go get subs from Sub*way for dinner, and I can go after I drop him at work (we have one vehicle). Fine by me. Well, we got dinner, ate, he got ready, and just as we're heading out the door the power goes out. It's 6:15pm. We couldn't find a regular phone to save our lives so he could call to see if power was still on at his work, so I had to take him there. It was on. I spent the next 5hours and 35min in the dark, with no phone, no way to contact him through the business of his day, and I didn't want to bother him by showing up at his work when if I asked him if he needed something I may not of been able to get it anyhow. There were 1500 customers in our area without power for 5hrs35min, and all do to a rolling blackout b/c our power company wasn't prepared for a heat wave in late August to early September; and apparently we were using to much power so the grid had to be shut down to conserve power. I so hated that and the fact that I failed a day, but I plan on doubling up tomorrow (which is actually today b/c I'm writing this on the 2nd at noon, but I'm back timing this to 11:59pm on the 1st so it shows up as a post on the 1st).