Just Because

Things here have been stressful to say te least. H*attie is still up to her non-mothering ways and it's taken it's toll on this household (read: my marriage). God, knows I love the girl to death, but I'm patiently waiting for the day that she grows up and acts like the mature adult she should be. Her latest antics have us fighting with her and DH's older sister. She left her child alone. Now CPS is involved, and quite certainly I'm thankful, but at the same rate how can you do that to your own child??? I will never know. She just left crying uncontrollably at home while she went off and did God knows what. Well, I called the cops which pulled in CPS, and now they're breathing down her neck and possibly bringing her up on charges.....so in turn she calls them on her older sister and blames it on me says I'm on the ball trying to get everyone's kids taken from them. NICE!!! I'm not really sure why I've put myself in this situation. Maybe b/c he's my nephew, maybe b/c my love of babies, or maybe b/c I enjoy the everyday chaos that taking on the responsibility of choosing to raise H*attie almost 6yrs ago brings me. Who knows?

So, yesterday was a very stressful day with me and the older sister fighting, and she lives literally across the alley/street from me. In the midst of this an ice storm was going on outside, and dum, dum, dum..... the power went out three times. Well, both her house and mine are total electric, but we have a kerosene heater that keeps most half of our trailor warm. So, after calling me a liar and a bitch quite many times in the two days prior to this, what does she do? Bundles herself and her family up and brings them to my house to stay warm. By the time DH had to leave for work (b/c yes the power was still on there, but do they care it's trecherous out there and we're in a level two snow emergency...no roofing material and window-wrap still needs made...I guess so off to work he went) I had already pulled him aside from everyone and had a break down about how I couldn't handle it no more. He cupped my face in his hands, kissed me and told me I'm a strong woman, but to do what ever I feel is right b/c him seeing me hurt, hurts him more than I'm hurting. Awwwww!

So this morning I wake up to him caring for both boys, b/c he came in from work and turned off the baby monitor in our room, and three long stem red roses. I asked him why the roses, I don't think I deserve them. His response.... "Just Because."

It Comes in Three

The sickies in this household that is. Just when I thought *B* was starting to get better he stopped eating, and started just letting the drool and everything else run out of his mouth. The fever returned Sunday night into Monday. His Dr's office was closed in observance of M*LK Day, so I called today and they were booked. I wasn't fooling around, b/c I had been able to get his fever to break in 12 hours. I took him to the ER. The verdict....RSV still, ear infection STILL, and now strep throat. The bad part he was done with his anti-biotics too and it went never away. Poor little guy. I've had to have him sleep propped up on pillows for two days now. He's barely ate anythign today, but that is to be expected as the ER Dr. said his tonsils are so enlarged that swallowing is a chore for him, and to watch his breathing. Way to make a mother worry. This Dr. put him on a stronger 10day anti-biotic and a cough suppressant. He also told me to increase his liquids. How do you get a baby that won't even swallow his own spit to drink liquids? Come on now... I mean I'm up for a challenge and I'll abide, but this is going to be hard.

As for the rest of the house. DH is healthy as a horse (knock on wood). I am however sick. Not that I didn't expect it from 24/7 caring for a sick child pretty much single handedly by myself. I have strep throat too, and an ear infection. So, when it rains it pours. I got a shot in the hip, am on the Z-pack, and cough syrup. I hope to feel better soon so that I can get back to taking care of my baby at 100% of myself. Now I'm off to lay on the couch and watch AI:8 that I recorded tonite.

Baby Get Better

My dear sweet boy is sick. He's been sick on and off since last Wednesday, but really bad since Sunday morning. Wednesday and Thursday he was just really clingy and Thursday it was coming out both ends. I felt so unbelievably bad for him. Then Friday rolled around and he was fine, same with Saturday. Sunday morning at 5am I was awoke by his whimpers across the baby monitor. He was burning up. No fever before, but a fever now. So, Tylenol I gave him and a cup of water and put him back to bed. He was having none of that, so to our bed he came. Monday more fever, but no other symptoms, and a call to the Dr. with no appts for that day. So, yesterday more fever and more Tylenol and into see the pediatrician. The verdict....RSV AGAIN!!! My poor baby. He had it last year before Thanksgiving now again this year, and I'm not sure why he's getting it. Plus, an ear infection and a molar that came threw FINALLY!!! But, the worst part of this is that he's refused all foods and fluids since breakfast yesterday, to which he ate a bite of toast and only took a couple sips of his cup; and the pediatrician says that 24hrs without intake of any kind will warrant a stay in the hospital. So, I pray that he eats something in the morning or at least will drink something, b/c I'm not looking for another C*hildren's H*ospital stay.

On the plus side of this (as if there could be a plus side), he's usually a Daddy's boy. Well, he's only wanted Mommy, and while I love all the extra cuddle time and attention. I'm starting to get a cold from him I think. Well, that or lack of sleep and my system being run down from 24hr care. The sad part....when he's better I know his preference in which parent he prefers will resume..sniff, sniff. My little baby is growing into a little boy.

AF

The hag arrived today and naturally. Woo-hoo go my body. The things that amuse me..LOL. Least this means things might possibly be working right????? One can only hope.

The Weight of Insomnia

I HATE IT!!! My son has been in bed for hours now, thanks to lack of naps lately. Here I sit at 1:30am WIDE AWAKE. ARGH! I know that there are other things I could/should be writing about, but this one is the one that is bothering me now. I'm sure it has to do with my head swimming with different things, but at the same time even if I put those things into words on paper they would still be in my head. But here goes.....

I'm so very stressed lately. All this crap with H*attie, J*ordan, and H*unter has got my emotions in turmoil. I'm torn between what I should do and what I shouldn't do. It's putting a thorn in my marriage that has been so positive for months now. For once in my life I wish that parenting H*attie were over, but I know it will never truly be over. She is ours...kind of like when you get married for better or worse. Well, this is obviously the worst that it comes for her, and so she turns to us. DH however thinks that she should be left to fend for herself and parent H*unter. He says she's strong-willed and will thrive from the experience...me not so much. She begs me for help, and she comes to me and not him b/c well I'm not sure. Maybe the fear of rejection or being turned away, who knows. I just don't know what to do in the situation and so I ponder about it many hours, and most of them are while I SHOULD be sleeping.

Then there is fertility treatments. I almost positive that we're going to have to embark on them again. We had the m/c in March and before that we had been trying for a couple of months. Well, we're in the midst (actually the close to the end) of our tenth cycle. My limit at Au natural is one year. I refuse to go on and on hoping without knowing and not being proactive in our recreation attempts. So, that being said we have new insurance that started with the start of the new year, and the coverage wasn't exactly clarified I called Fertility Lifelines yesterday morning. They're going to check into my coverage for me since being on the phone for hours with a rep. while my 18month old screams in my ear isn't ideal in finding out anything. I just pray that it is decent coverage, b/c if not we'll be very limited in what types of treatments we can do financially. Oh how I wish that we could just conceive #2 naturally like we conceived *B* and the m/c, that would be wonderful. Not sure how realistic since with each passing cycle my hope fades a bit more, but you know.

Lastly there is *B* my heart breaks for him. My yearning for another child is so much greater with him. I look at him and each day there is something new he does and I no longer see a baby in him. Of course he's my baby, but each day those itty bitty traits are fading. Plus, he knows what babies are now with all the new little ones. He calls all little kids he sees in stores, books, magazines, on TV, and/or toys... "BABY." He remembers H*attie's big belly I think, b/c often times he'll lift my shirt stick his finger in my belly button and say "Mommy Baby Dair?!" in his sweet little voice. When H*unter leaves (or should I say when H*attie decides she wants to be a mom again) he'll walk around holding his palms up saying "Baby?" and looking for him. *B*'s very jealous when he's here of course, but he's also oh so loving. He'll come up and sit beside me and pat him oh so gently, he'll kiss his head, and try to take him from my arms if I'd let him. When he cries he'll take the bottle to him or get me a diaper and wipes. He's got so much love to pass onto a sibling. He gets along so well with other children and plays amazingly. Maybe I'm depriving him the ability to grow and expand socially, although I hope not. Maybe I should get him involved in a play group or something. It might help him and ease my mind. I just wish again that we could conceive a miracle to expand our family and keep him company. Ho hum!!

Incapable Mothers Having Babies

The shit is about to hit the fan. I'm sad and depressed, yet irritated and outraged at the same time. H*attie and J*ordan came to visit today, and to pick up their son whom we've had since New Year's, b/c they wanted to get trashed. Talk about a binger. Any way, H*attie was all giddy and acted like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin with excitement. So, I asked her what was up? I about fell over with a heart attack to her response.....I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant again. I took a test this morning and got a very light positive.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I asked her when they had sex, b/c she's not even 6wks post-partum yet. (She will be in a week although I'm not sure how as H*unter just turned a month old yesterday.) She told me when H*unter was 2wks old. Are you freaking kidding me??? When he was 2wks old we had him here. She was crying and sleep deprived and miserable, needed a break. We more or less gave them the opportunity to have another baby that we'll be left to take care of when s/he is a newborn. They're not even taking care of the child they currently have properly, and then this news pisses me off. While I hope that it's a false positive I'm sure it's probably not, and I don't really know what to think.

I'm sad beyond belief. How can this be possible? Why is this happening? Why not DH and me, we've been trying for #2 for almost a year now? Then there comes the rage. I want to wring her scrawny little neck. I want to cut of his pecker. I want to scream at them you think one is hard, you're going to have two and only 10months apart. She has no idea, it's like she's not even living in the real world, but yet her own little fantasy world. I think she thinks we're always going to be there to help her out or bail her out. I'm beginning to think not so much any more. I just want to cry. I can't be happy for them, and I tried to talk to DH. His response you're the one making it too easy on them it's no wonder she's pregnant again. I don't want to hear your belly-aching, b/c this wouldn't of happened had it not been for you taking H*unter off their hands for them. You should of let them suffer it out like every other couple with a newborn has to do, and things of that nature.

For once licking my infertility wounds will not help. This hurt is too deep and way too painful. I just pray that God has that family's best interest at heart, b/c I'm pretty sure I'm ready to wash my hands of the situation.

Happy New Year

A new year... a new set of hopes.... and another resolution. Like so many of us I think that we put so much emphasis on the dropping on the ball as a new leaf being turned for us. For myself, I guess I'm one of the followers, b/c I do the same. At the beginning of every new year I feel so full of hope as though something miraculous will occur and forever my life will change. I start into the new year each time with the hopes of something new panning out before the year concludes, always ALWAYS to have my hopes crushed come the dropping of the ball for the next new year. I naively follow old wives tales (eating sour kraut and pork for your first meal in the new year for good luck and kissing a loved one right as the ball drops) each year, which I know are lame but traditional, and still do these things change the outcome of what lies ahead? Nope, probably not. So, now that my hopes for 2008 never came full circle and the year is gone, with 2009 upon us I'm left with new hopes. I'm leery as to put them to words as though it may jinx there ability to come true, but as part of my newest New Year's resolution I'm putting myself out there. So,

my resolutions for 2009:
-live in the moment, don't over analyze just let whatever happens happen, and if I feel out of control go with it, it might be the defining moment in 2009 that changes my life
-try to be more manageable and organized
-I've always wanted to lose "x" amount of weight each year, so this year I'm going to say get fit, adapt a healthier lifestyle, and stick to it
-start and finish with no days missed The Biggest Loser Challenge: Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred workout video

my hopes for 2009:
-to stick with and resolve ALL my New Year's resolutions
-to get a bfp, and maintain the pregnancy with little to no complications and have a happy healthy baby
-that my family will find peace in themselves and guidance to perserveer and grow and that they will be able to do this themselves without having to rely on DH or myself
-to grow as a person and find more "ME" time if at all possible

Best wishes to each of you and Happy New Year. I hope each of your resolutions you stick to and your hopes and dreams come true for this year.