Moms Aren't Allowed To Get Sick

Unfortunately *B* and me are both sick. *B* started in with his last Tues., and I started with mine this past Thurs. Any way, I was so scared it was the stupid H1N1, thank goodness it's not. I hate this illness, and even more so b/c *B* and I are both allergic to the regular flu vaccine and have been advised not to get the H1N1 vaccine b/c it's a live virus with an even potentially higher medical risk of an allergic reaction. I feel like we're sitting ducks to this flu or any flu for that matter. (Let me step off my irrational soap box.) Any way, we both have upper respiratory infections. I'm feeling somewhat better today and I think *B* is too since we started antibiotics, but he's still whinny and Mommy is nerve-racked. Thankfully as I type this he's napping (something I feel like I could do too, but I need time to do other things without him being a cling-on like shower or put my house in order for instance, and well blog...lol). Any way, while we've been sick and DH has been taking care of us my house has went to hell in a hand basket. I came out of my fog this morning to realize my double sink was over flowing with dishes onto the counter, laundry is stacked up in the hamper, on the hamper and around the hamper (how does this happen in 4 days???), the trash is over flowing, there are toys scattered about everywhere, as well as pillows and blankets, and my microwave now blows green sparks and pops at you. NIIICCCEEE!!!!! I'm telling you the woman that makes the household run smoothly CAN. NOT. GET. SICK!!! It's just not allowed b/c when it happens everything falls apart.

So, even though I'm only feeling about 70% of the normal I've been on a re-establishing my house mission today. Hey, and I'm one-upping myself by actually making something for dinner that doesn't come out of a can or box or take-out as DH and *B* somewhat have been eating for 4days. LOL! And sometime (not today b/c I'm not about spreading my illness to others) I have to make a trip to Wally World aka W*al-M*art to get some groceries and a new microwave. What fun..... *sigh*.

But on a positive note to all this, while I was sick I won my blogging buddy Jill's Christmas Giveaway that I made mention of in my last post. I'm excited to start blarring in the Christmas music to get me in the holiday mood.

A Christmas Giveaway

In case you don't frequent her blog. I wanted to mention an amazingly inspirational woman in bloggerland's Christmas giveaway. Jill is ringing in the season early with Christmas music and many other giveaways to follow. So please follow the link below her giveaway picture for your chance to enter.

The Averitt Fam Blog

Double Blogging

I committed myself to getting fit this morning. I've been contemplating doing something about my obesity for awhile. I do eat right, I just need to be eating better than right and doing more. So, this morning I started researching different weight-loss blogs and websites as well as diet and exercise blogs and sites and healthy recipe sites. I've complied a list in my bookmarks of different motivational places and printed off a couple dozen recipes. Plus, as I mentioned in my last post about thinking about starting a new blog for this journey..... I have!! The link is below so please check it out if you have time as I'll be blogging there everyday until the progress gets better and noticeable. Don't be alarmed though I'll still be here to ramble on about everyday things, I just didn't want this blog to go from mothering, to infertility, to dieting, and nothing else as I've noticed I've been inching towards that is why I started the new blog.

Baby Steps To Weight Loss

Checking In

I wanted you all to know that have checked in on me that I'm doing alright. There are some things going on at home that I don't have time to go into detail about right now as it's 1:30am and I should be in bed. We're not doing fertility treatments right now..... per Dr's orders, my request, and the fact that I want to find a new Dr. b/c I hate my current clinic. Also, I wanted to document that all it took was an entry about still holding onto hope about the cycle for spot to show up, and the hag to rear her ugly face the following day (9/19/09). I'll be back with another entry soon after I iron out the kinks at home, and I'm thinking of starting a diet/excercise/weightloss blog but I'll let ya'll know all about that when it's a more decent hour for writing..... in the meantime I'm perfectly fine and thanks for checking and caring.

Hung Out To Dry

That is exactly how I feel these days. Try as I might to be ok with this past cycle I just can't move forward. I don't understand how I could have 3 glorious follicles on ultrasound, give myself a trigger shot and still not ovulate one of them. I feel clueless to infertility all over again like when I was first diagnosed, and just beginning my research on my diagnosis. This was a curve ball thrown my way and it's hard to wrap my head around it let alone think about it. I went to see my Dr. so I could speak with him about the goings-on in his office, how I felt as though I slipped through the cracks and about as to why I didn't ovulate even after using the HcG injection. His answers were summed up in placing blame on my PCOS. He said that even though there are adequate sized follicles present does not mean with the HcG boost they will release with PCOS. That a woman with PCO producing an extra hormone that develops a resistance in this task, which has became the case for me this go-round. I hate my dysfunctional ovaries. I hate my body. I'm crampy, emotional, and irritable but AF still hasn't visited. Not that I would welcome her presence none-the-less. It makes me cling to hope that maybe the lab work for my progesterone level was wrong. I mean for the past 4months I've been having AF on my own, no inducing of her necessary. I guess this false sense of hope makes me a stupid infertile woman. Lord knows, heck I know, this is a hopeless cycle. It's a bust. Why can't my head and my heart be on the same page about that?

Next course of treatment doesn't hold any hope to me either as there are not many changes from this time. He's increased my dosage of Met*formin from 2- 850mg tablets a day to 2- 1000mg tablets a day hoping it brings down the reaction in my ovaries and body. I'm not doing any type of treatment for the coming month other than that. Then once late October early November's AF arrives I'm getting a baseline u/s done on CD3, Cl*omid 150mg CD3-7, Menopur 225iu everyday starting on CD5, E2 levels every other day starting on CD7, u/s everyday starting on CD9 (this part is different from last time), triggering this time when a dominant follicle reaches 22-24mm instead of 18-20mm. And we've even though there are no sperm issues we've been what I feel like is only to be put as "bullied" into an IUI.

So, now you can tell where my title came from.... that is pretty much what this office is doing to me. Hanging me out to dry, b/c they didn't get me pregnant before and had to refer me off where all I heard there was my only options were IVF, so they don't really care one way or the other if they get me pregnant with #2, b/c they can just do the same thing again. Here's the kicker to there bullshit fertility lines and treatments I conceived *B* naturally after trying for almost 6yrs. 3yrs of those with treatments and a hyper-stimulated cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage. Something clicked in my body back then after that, now if only this stupid Dr. would listen to me about all the meds I was on then, maybe we could get there again naturally without all the need of modern medicine. If only.

A Giveaway

In case you don't frequent her blog or even know about it, FabulousK is having a giveaway for a blog design. She does amazing work so please check her out by clicking on the button in my side bar. Don't forget you have to be a follower of her's to be eligible.

Shattered Hopes & Splattered Dreams

I'm done. AF hasn't arrived. However, I thought I had the courage and strength to continue trying, but I can't handle feeling this way. I remember how infertility and treatments before took me to the very lowest points of feeling in my life. I had such high hopes every cycle, and I would continually get them crushed yet go back for more. I hated feeling like that, and I lost faith in God during that time. I can't say that I have as strong of a relationship with Him now I did once, but it is better since having *B* and I don't want to return to that agony, misery, and bitterness again. Any way, I found out today that despite doing everything right, and timing everything just how I was supposed to..... that I didn't ovulate. I don't understand this cycle or my body at all. I had three amazing looking follicles of perfect size, I did the HcG trigger injection, and yet I didn't ovulate. I just don't understand it. I'm confused yet not surprised. I continued to use OPKs after the trigger shot until my CD21 progesterone level draw, and never had two dark lines on any of them, and I was doing them morning and evening EVERYDAY. My results today that I sweet talked the lab tech into giving me since my Dr.'s office didn't call me back like they were supposed to on Fri. and give them to me were 0.4 meaning an annovulatory cycle. I'm not sure how this is possible?? Anyone any ideas, b/c I've scoured the internet today trying to come up with answers to fill in the blanks and I still have blanks.

To top it off, I'm fed up with my Dr's office. I love my Dr. He's an excellent physician and caring man, but the nurses his office is staffed with are neurotic insensitive morons. Most of them are new, a couple have no gynecological/obstetric/infertility experience. They don't relay messages appropriately. I'm having to give each one my patient history each time I call in b/c they're too stupid to pull up my name on their laptop in front of their faces. They don't return phone calls until you blow up their phone or voicemail. And, when ever I call in toward the end of a cycle after my patient run through the first question is always "Are you pregnant?" instead of "what can I do for you?" or something of that nature which is like a knife to the already emotionally sensitive heart. I felt as though the past 2-2 1/2 months I fell threw the cracks in that office. So, I'm in the process of finding a new Dr. One that I'll feel comfortable with and one that will treat me with respect not only as a regular OB/GYN patient but an infertility patient as well, and so will her/his nurses. In the meantime, I'm done with treatments and I'm on a weight loss mission, b/c unfortunately treatments combined with a little depression has helped me to pack on a few extra pounds that I don't want.

For now I'm off to snuggle with *B*, for I am so blessed to be his mother. And every minute with him helps to heal my ever aching heart. Thanks everyone for your support and prayers this cycle, just wish it would of played out differently.