In The Blink of An Eye...

everything changes. I went from mothering two precious little boys back to mothering just one yesterday. My heart aches.

I'm so very sad to the point of being almost numb. DH hasn't said much about the situation. I know he's sad I can sense it, but at the same time to me he acts almost relieved. *B* is weathering well too. Before when we would keep *H* for a few days and they would take him back he would search the house and call out for "Baby." Last night and this morning there has been none of that. It's like he knows. For being 20months old, he's so smart and mature. I've been crying alot, and he'll wipe away my tears pat my shoulder and say "Mom-MEEEE be O-tay." Oh how I wish and could know that that were true.

Oh and ALL of our fish died over the weekend too. Not just the babies or just an adult or two, but ALL of them. Break my heart again, b/c *B* cried over that one. "Mom-MEEEE I non't-know eer's my shish?" (Mommy I don't know where's my fish?)

Just Not My Day

Today started out way to early for my liking. At 4:30am *B* woke up crying Mommy. I run to his room to find his bed soaked. Since his diaper was dry my only logical explanation on this one is sweat. So, I striped him and his bed down, washed him off, and remade his bed. Only now he doesn't want to be in there....GREAT! So, to our bed he comes. Once there you would think he would sleep peacefully. Not so much. He tosses and turns, pops his head up and says "Baby", and if you try to pick him up to move him he's WIDE AWAKE. So, I just let him go on about his ritual while I lay there not sleeping.

6am rolls around and *H* is up for a feeding. Usually he goes back down until around 9am-ish, but of course today would not be the day he wants to do this. So, I'm up, but exhausted. Well 9am rolls around and *B* is still sleeping. How can this be? I go to our room to check on him and he's contently curled up beside DH with his head on his chest. *H* is down for a nap, so maybe I'll catch a few ZZZZ's. Wrong.

I just get laid down on the couch and *H* throws up EVERYWHERE! Argh. I jump up quick, and a stabbing pain in my lower right back brings me to my knees. I've felt this pain before. My kidney....oh no I hope it's not stones again. I don't have time to be sick. So, I muster up the strength to get to my feet and get *H* cleaned up, but poor DH who has to work tonite so he sleeps through the day is now up too, to help me. I'm in alot of pain now.

I'm laying on a heating pad, and I called my Dr. but of course he's out of town at a conference for the rest of the week, and his nurse was an unhelpful inconsiderate bitch to put it mildly b/c hello none of his patients are supposed to get sick when he's out of town. And, of course he doesn't have another Dr. covering his practice b/c they are also at said conference. NICE! And, of course if the pain gets worse seeks medical treatment. (She must of thought I was dumb.) Hello stupid nurse on the other end of the line do you not realize that it takes normally on average 6-8hrs at the ER to be seen and treated, I have a DH that needs to sleep to support us, and 2 children that I don't have a sitter for....plus our co-pay is $225 and they may or maynot include any labs that are done, and that doesn't even guarantee that the band aide station hospital will figure out what is wrong with me even though I'm pretty sure it's my kidney.

GREAT! So, like my title says....Just not my day.

Oh and *H* is fine now (pretty sure I didn't get out all the gas bubbles), and *B* is being a total hyped up heathen. Go figure.

AND (as if there could be anything more) my our 5gal fish tank that is only supposed to have 4 fish an an algae eater now has 12 fish and an algae eater. LOVELY! I'm not sure which one bred, but I was assured I had all male fish. I think not.

Picture Post

I decided that I would post the recent family pictures that we had done at Wal*Mart, b/c I'm a slacker.....no not really, I'm just extremely busy with two children. Plus, when I do have time I can't really think of anything to write about (well I can but not things I can write about here at this time without having to go private). So, this post is a HUGE deal, b/c *drumroll please* this is our FIRST.EVER.FAMILY.PICTURE!!!!! I'm excited. Of course, we've have pictures of *B* done by himself before, but none of all of us together. They turned out great, but I'll let you see for yourself. Enjoy!

Things Won't Change

Those are the words that over one month ago my sister said to me when her husband was returning home from I*raq. While I know it had been 15mths since he'd been home minus the birth of my niece in late June, I thought maybe this time would be different. So, I believed her. We used to talk daily on the phone if not more than once a day, and always talk at night after we got our kids in bed before we went there ourselves. I knew that the nightly conversations would cease to exist, but all phone calls???? Come on!!! Both times her DH has been deployed I've been there to lend an ear, played the big sister role. I'm always supportive and take that extra step to ensure that if she's having a rough time I cheer her up. So, now I'm going through another one of what I will call one of the roughest times in my life (only have had a handful) with the whole H*attie/H*unter/court/CPS issues and where is she? Being the unsupportive non-existant sister. Well, I know she's in G*eorgia visiting in-laws, but she has her cell phone. I've called repeatedly leaving messages, b/c I want need to talk to her. Do you think she can call me back either? Of course not. She's been in G*eorgia for 2wks this Saturday, I've called every other day leaving a message and am yet to receive a phone call back.

"Oh, But Thing's Won't Change!!"

Whatever.

Needed An Uplift

I've been in desperate need of a day at the salon. I didn't really want to color my hair or anything like that, I just wanted it cut and thinned out. I got there and I went from this long hair and thick 2 tone:To this shorter one color with subtle blonde highlights, that I was against getting at first:I love this look. But I have to admit I miss my long hair. I miss the ability to just throw it up in a pony tail and be out the door, or just put in a little product scrunch it and be done with it. Now, I actually have to spend some time on it to straighten it or put some curls in it, and definitely blow dry it if leaving the house. I needed a change though. I've been letting it grow for 3 1/2yrs with just a trim here and there. Hopefully it'll lift my spirits too, b/c stress is getting me down yet again. What do you think?

Just Because

Things here have been stressful to say te least. H*attie is still up to her non-mothering ways and it's taken it's toll on this household (read: my marriage). God, knows I love the girl to death, but I'm patiently waiting for the day that she grows up and acts like the mature adult she should be. Her latest antics have us fighting with her and DH's older sister. She left her child alone. Now CPS is involved, and quite certainly I'm thankful, but at the same rate how can you do that to your own child??? I will never know. She just left crying uncontrollably at home while she went off and did God knows what. Well, I called the cops which pulled in CPS, and now they're breathing down her neck and possibly bringing her up on charges.....so in turn she calls them on her older sister and blames it on me says I'm on the ball trying to get everyone's kids taken from them. NICE!!! I'm not really sure why I've put myself in this situation. Maybe b/c he's my nephew, maybe b/c my love of babies, or maybe b/c I enjoy the everyday chaos that taking on the responsibility of choosing to raise H*attie almost 6yrs ago brings me. Who knows?

So, yesterday was a very stressful day with me and the older sister fighting, and she lives literally across the alley/street from me. In the midst of this an ice storm was going on outside, and dum, dum, dum..... the power went out three times. Well, both her house and mine are total electric, but we have a kerosene heater that keeps most half of our trailor warm. So, after calling me a liar and a bitch quite many times in the two days prior to this, what does she do? Bundles herself and her family up and brings them to my house to stay warm. By the time DH had to leave for work (b/c yes the power was still on there, but do they care it's trecherous out there and we're in a level two snow emergency...no roofing material and window-wrap still needs made...I guess so off to work he went) I had already pulled him aside from everyone and had a break down about how I couldn't handle it no more. He cupped my face in his hands, kissed me and told me I'm a strong woman, but to do what ever I feel is right b/c him seeing me hurt, hurts him more than I'm hurting. Awwwww!

So this morning I wake up to him caring for both boys, b/c he came in from work and turned off the baby monitor in our room, and three long stem red roses. I asked him why the roses, I don't think I deserve them. His response.... "Just Because."

It Comes in Three

The sickies in this household that is. Just when I thought *B* was starting to get better he stopped eating, and started just letting the drool and everything else run out of his mouth. The fever returned Sunday night into Monday. His Dr's office was closed in observance of M*LK Day, so I called today and they were booked. I wasn't fooling around, b/c I had been able to get his fever to break in 12 hours. I took him to the ER. The verdict....RSV still, ear infection STILL, and now strep throat. The bad part he was done with his anti-biotics too and it went never away. Poor little guy. I've had to have him sleep propped up on pillows for two days now. He's barely ate anythign today, but that is to be expected as the ER Dr. said his tonsils are so enlarged that swallowing is a chore for him, and to watch his breathing. Way to make a mother worry. This Dr. put him on a stronger 10day anti-biotic and a cough suppressant. He also told me to increase his liquids. How do you get a baby that won't even swallow his own spit to drink liquids? Come on now... I mean I'm up for a challenge and I'll abide, but this is going to be hard.

As for the rest of the house. DH is healthy as a horse (knock on wood). I am however sick. Not that I didn't expect it from 24/7 caring for a sick child pretty much single handedly by myself. I have strep throat too, and an ear infection. So, when it rains it pours. I got a shot in the hip, am on the Z-pack, and cough syrup. I hope to feel better soon so that I can get back to taking care of my baby at 100% of myself. Now I'm off to lay on the couch and watch AI:8 that I recorded tonite.