Random Tidbits: Getting Things Off My Mind

I always have so much on my mind that I want to type about, but once I sit here I can never bring fingers to keyboard to put into words what's going on. Things in the land of Baby Dreams have been dull and boring for the most part. This month feels as though it's dragging on for me. Maybe it's b/c I'm eager to jump into the next cycle and I'm on bcps, or maybe it's just the month in general. On Thursday is my last pill before starting the ones to bring on AF. I'm due for an u/s on CD#3 whenever that is. Otherwise things in the baby-making industry are uneventful....well unless you count having ALOT of great sex without all the "do this" and "don't do this" hype that doing it for fertility reasons brings. It's like the stress of things are gone and the bedroom fire is a burning when we're not doing all the treatments. I love it, but it gets to me when it comes time and there's performance anxiety there from knowing that you "have to do it" then. Sorry for all the TMI in my sex life faithful readers.

Any way, in other news.... Can I just say I HATE THE TERRIBLE TWO'S!!! Yep, you read that right. I thought before *B* turned two was bad, boy was I wrong. Within the last week or two, he's started doing the baby grunting and whinning all over again. He throws himself on the floor when being told something to do that he doesn't want to do or if taking something away from him he isn't supposed to have. I hear "No!" more than 100 times a day from him after various requests. His eating habits went down the toilet along with his manners. He's no longer sleeping 10-12hrs a night, but somewhere between 6-8hrs, and no naps which makes for one very irritable mother and child. We put him in a toddler bed finally, only to have to him back in a crib b/c he rolled out, to having him start climbing out of it which he never did before, so he's back in the toddler bed again. I'm just do tired of him thinking he's the boss already...I mean I know he's somewhat spoiled as being the only child right now, but we don't go over board with it. There is no reason he should be acting this way. I guess in motherhood I must take the bad with the good, but for the life me it stressful when there isn't very many good days these days.

Let's see.... Oh I'm dieting again. Well if you want to call it that. Some call it a life style change, so call it what you will. I'm trying to get healthy again and thinner, much thinner. I've been power walking in the mornings when DH comes home, and walking again in the evenings with *B* in tow so it's a slower pace, but still walking. Plus, if *B* manages a nap I try to throw in the 30-Day Shr*ed workout video as well. I'm watching what I eat, being more precise on taking my meds (met*formin). (I'll admit I don't take it as I should. I don't ever miss a dose, but I wasn't strict on taking it once in the morning and once in the evening like I should of been.) I'm cutting out caffiene as much as I can without losing steam. (I'm down to one Diet Sie*rra M*ist a day, and one cup of sweet tea a day.) The rest of the time I'm strictly drinking water. I'm eager to see a difference by my birthday in just 17 days. I guess we'll see.

I've been a bit depressed. I've tried and tried to pin point a specific reason why, but I've come to the conclusion it's a whole mess of things. I could write a book on the disfunctionality of my life, but I won't b/c it's morbid and well depressing. So, I'll just a mention a few things, and that way when I look back on this post and things are going better I won't feel like such a retard for ever thinking as I am. First of all is my sister when she was in town. I felt as though I didn't get alot of time with her. This always happens, but b/c of my stupid naive thinking I some how thought this time would be different since I lived closer to my Mom where she was staying. The more I think about the more I'm realizing that my sister is turning into our mother....only out for one person: herself. It's sad to say it, but true. Then I've been missing my In-laws ALOT. I read all of your entries where you talk about doing this or that with them and even them getting on your nerves, and I don't have that. I had a close relationship with both of them, and I miss them terribly. It saddens me to the core that they're not around to be able to watch their grandson grow up. He's just like his Daddy and they would be so proud, while my own Mom could care less about seeing or talking to her daughter let alone her grandson. She has her favorites, and sadly he's not one and he's such a blessing. Why can't her and my step-dad just see that?

Then there is how quickly *B* is growing into a big boy. Each day another baby feature fades away, and it scares the hell out of me b/c I don't know if I'll ever get to experience that again with another baby. My future is not a given and there is no guarantee that I will be a mother of two or even three like I so desperately dream about. Then there is my marriage, maybe it's just me and everything going on that I'm already depressed about amplifying these feelings, but sometimes I feel something is wrong. Sure the sex is amazing, but when we're not in the bedroom we could be a million miles apart from one another and it wouldn't matter. I love him, and I've made mistakes it's no lie. I know he loves me too, but I wish he would show it more than he does....I wish he would show it like he used to at the beginning of our marriage. Maybe he doesn't and I'm just blind to it, but it hurts my heart to think maybe we're drifting in different directions possibly not meant for each other. Or maybe I'm just crazy and it's all the hormones I've been on making me think out of whack. Who knows? I guess we'll just keep on trucking along until we hit either get off the bumpy road to the paved way or hit a road block. Only time will tell, b/c it heals all.

Oh, there's H*attie as well, this girl has been through alot and done alot to get her life out of whack then back on track. Her and J*ordan are back together again raising *H*, and do I get a thank you? Nope, and I've even praised him for being such a good father lately only to have it backfire on me. I used to see two of the three of them almost every weekend before we moved. Now we live a 7min drive further away than where we did and NEVER see them. It's too far. I don't get that. They break my heart and I miss them, yet to tell them that makes no difference. My older SIL lived directly across the street from us before, now they see her like they used to see us, and to see us is "Too much gas, or too far away." Please!!!! I wish they could just see all we've done for them and be greatful, yet I know that will probably never happen.

Since I've rambled on enough, I'll leave you all with my peace and blessing that everything you want in your life may come true. Best wishes!!

4th of July & Brennen's 2nd Birthday Party

I know I'm a week late on posting this, but I've been super busy, and super down in the dumps. Any way, it was a great time filled with great food, family, and friends. On the 4th we went to a cookout at my aunt's house which was more like a family reunion type thing, b/c there were SO many people there and I only knew about 5% of them. Later that evening we walked the small little block and a half to the county fair grounds with J*odie and the boys and watched the fireworks. It was an EXCELLENT display this year and *B* and the boys were so cute about the "BOOMS!" Once that was over we were all back home where my cousin, her boyfriend, and my 2nd cousin joined us to fill our house to capacity for the night. It was alot of fun, but the next day brought ALOT of stress for me. I had help, but I felt overwhelmed in the last minute preparing for *B*'s party. I made 14lbs of sloppy joe, along with hotdogs, that morning. Plus, we had to set up the back yard with tables, a tent, and the luau decorations. All in all there was a good turn out, everyone got there bellies full, and everyone has said they had a GREAT time!! Here is a slide show from the weekend.

BCPs For Me

I'm so angry with my body. Just once I wish the damned thing would do what I want it to. I had an u/s this morning to make sure there weren't any residual follicles/cysts left from last cycle and sure enough there is one 14mm one on my right ovary. ARGH! So, I'm taking this next month off and taking a packet of bcps to shrink said follie. Got to love the waiting game of fertility treatments. ERRRR!

On a side note the plus side is I know my protocol for next month...and it's VERY aggressive. I'm semi-excited!

Should of Known Better

All the cycles before this one and all the BFNs, and then I obtain the greatest miracle of all,my son, "Au natural". I should of known better than to get my hopes up thinking that this would be the one. Especially since stimming wasn't as productive as the Dr. and myself would have hoped. Heck fertility treatments only left me with this huge gaping hole in my heart and yearning; and never produced anything but heartache and misery for me. So, any way the nasty hag arrived today. I had a nice cry in the shower, and she's early but it's definitely her. On to next cycle. I can only try to think positively and wish that this one will be it. However discouragement is upon me. *Sigh*

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby!!

My word where has the time gone? Seems like only yesterday I was finding out I was pregnant with him, and then the next I was delivering him, and here it is 2yrs down the road. You have grown leaps and bounds since that glorious day that you made me a Mommy. Each day is something new and it makes my heart swell even more with joy. Sunday we will be throwing your birthday party to celebrate the big day. I have been hard at work planning and making everything thing just perfect for the event. We're doing a Lu*au Theme and I hope that you'll love it. I can't wait for the big day to get here, but for today I I want to say Happy 2nd Birthday my dear sweet boy!! I love you baby!!