ICLW and Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!!!

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog and you still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighted yourself on that. (Geez, now I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

Now, back to my regularly scheduled blogging...

In the last week some many things have happened I feel like my head is in a whirlwind. First off, I turned 27 last Friday. (Yes, Friday the 13th!!) I was all worried and didn't have my hopes up that anything important would happen for my birthday. Actually, I figured DH would forget about me altogether like he has so many years in the past. I was so wrong! He didn't forget. I got ym hair cut and colored for my birthday, and he took me out to dinner, and we were supposed to go to a movie.... but I felt bad doing all the things that we/I had done that day without *B*, so I suggested going to the dirt track races the following night instead of a movie. (That got rained out, but still I had a GREAT birthday.)

Secondly, we were supposed to camping at a local lake, but that didn't happen b/c of the third reason I'll write about shortly. Instead DH and *B* camped out in the back yard and we had a fire in our new fire pit. (I may or may not quit calling this new sometime before the summer is over, who knows... LOL! Since we've had it since late June.) We also, went to the Col*umbus Zoo and Aqua*rium yesterday instead. I'll post pictures of that soon.

Thirdly and lastly the biggest change around here and why we couldn't go camping is b/c I was enrolling in college!!! I'm sooooooooo very excited about this. I've had my ear glued to the phone all week long until yesterday getting everything situated. I completed and passed my entrance test. I submitted my application for enrollment into the Medical Administration program to receive my Associate's degree. I completed my FAFSA. Now, I'm just waiting on my financial aid appt on Monday to see what types of federal grants and loans I'm eligible for. My start date is October 4th!! So, after all of that and a week's worth of non-stop time on the computer and on the phone I'm officially a student as of 10/4/10 at

I'll have my degree in 22mths. Then I plan to apply for a radiology program at one of our local techinical or community colleges, so that I can be a radiologist. Did I mention I'm super duper excited to be going back to school?!?! Let me mention if for you again.... I'm soooooooooo excited!! This has been a long time (9yrs, since graduation of high school) in the making!! Wish me luck.

Wordless Wednesday- Automated Post...

b/c I'm not here and we're on

Albeit it's only camping on a nearby lake, but we've been here since Sunday and we'll be here until this coming Sunday... and it's vacation to us, since we had to cancel our other one thanks to the arrival of H*attie. Hope everyone is enjoying the last moments of their Summer 2010 as well.

Another Year Older

Today I'm yet another year older. I'm 27. I don't hold high hopes for today as I've been let down so many years in the past. As you grow older I guess you just tend to expect less. The only I expect for today is for my IRL friends and family to forget all about my birthday until very late in the day. To cry, b/c my heart will be hurt and broken b/c of this. To not get a single card, gift, or present from anyone including my DH b/c I haven't since I turned 18 except from my Dad. And for it to be just another day that I grow older and my feelings are forgot about.

By this age, I had hoped in my grand scheme of plans long ago that I would be a mother to 3 wee babes running around my home with soft laughter and loud pitter patter of their feet. Geez, how I was ever wrong. I have one miracle blessing, and while I do have laughter and pitter patter I long for more children. I had hoped to have an amazing DH that never forgot about my birthday, bought me gifts without having to be reminded or told to, and/or took me out to dinner to celebrate my life on my important day. I have an amazing DH, and for me I guess the rest of that is only men I see in movies.

Oh how I wish that all those birthdays ago that if I had only knew then what I know now about my marriage and infertility that when I actually had my birthday celebrated before becoming an adult I would of used my wishes when blowing out my candles on my cakes for my life now to be so differently. Maybe if I'm lucky this year will be different and DH will surprise me. I have 24 more hours left to find out. If so I'm definitely using my wishes wisely. I'll let ya'll know what happens.

Oh and in case you're wondering since it is Friday the 13th, and my birthday... no I'm not superstitious at all. It's just another day and 13 is actually my lucky number.

It Soothes The Soul

Life here is still in turmoil and chaos with H*attie living here. I'm so short fused it's not funny. If she even looks at me wrong or chews her food to loudly or something small; I'm blowing off the handle at her. Forget about all the things that she does that tops the list to completely piss me off. Some of the problem I know the past week or so is the hormone overload I've been on. AF was well past due, but I knew she was a lurking. Sure enough, the nasty hag arrived this past Saturday.

Since AF started though, I've been this weepy teary eyed female. I'm like this every cycle, but it's usually only the first day or so. The past year or so it's gotten alot worse. I can actually feel the difference and change in my body from raging bitch to the bawling my eyes out baby. I saw a commercial on TV about PMDD, and I've been researching it. I know I shouldn't self diagnose, but I swear I have it. Every symptom listed is what I deal with tenfold a week leading up to AF. I keep saying I really need to get into a Dr., whether it be an RE or OB/GYN... but today I became proactive. I decided that I'm ready to start TTC again, so I made my initial consultation appt with the RE that I was supposed to see back in April when I found out I was pregnant and cancelled. Of course they have a wait list, and with cancelling previously I'm on the bottom. But, my appt is scheduled for late October. I'm excited, nervous, giddy, and scared about this all at one time.

Any how, since AF is here and I've been so emotional I've been doing some soul searching. While soul searching I've been walking at night with *B*. Let me tell you, that's fun stuff. You get a quarter mile in and he has to pee, even though he just went before we walked out the door not even 3-5min before that. He makes me laugh though, and dries my tears. For, it never fails that every walk I end up talking to him like he's a grown adult about my problems. He just listens, and asks "What's this or that?" pertaining to what I'm talking about, nods like he understands, is silent for awhile, then he'll scream loudly, then giggles uncontrollably. I love that little Monster, he makes the madness bearable. He also helps sooth my soul by listening, letting me cry, and laughter... it always makes for a brighter tomorrow. At least for me any way.

On a side note, take time to become a "Follower" of my blog on your google reader if you're not already, and if you have Face*book be sure to "Fan" my official blog site there as well for up-to-date (usually) daily happenings in the land of Baby Dreams... which you can do by scrolling down on my left side bar and clicking in the corresponding area that you'd like to be a part of. Happy Tuesday and Happy Reading!

Fan My Blog on FB

If you look over there to my left side bar you'll notice my newest addition to the blog. It'll keep you up-to-date when I'm not able to post an entry. (Kind of like Twitter but not... LOL!) Any how, I made my official FB fan page for my blog. Check it out, become a fan, and in the near future it just may have some prizes in store for you for doing so. Happy reading and happy Thursday!!

Wordless Wednesday- Really Irritable Lately

I could seriously go for one of these to relief some stress and irritability. Maybe for my birthday next week? Happy Hump Day!

Rants, Decisions, and Life

**YOU ARE FOREWARNED THAT THERE IS PROFANITY AND VULGARITY IN THIS POST!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!**

It seems like ions since I put fingers to keys and really pounded out a decent blog entry. Give me the bad blogger award or whatever, but with the lack of computer time I get on my own computer since H*attie has moved in and started ruling the roost that is why. However, I am on FB, and I do update there almost everyday and right over there on the right hand side is my e-mail address... feel free to add me if you're on FB. Make sure you include a message with your request that you're from Baby Dreams.

Any way, a month ago today in all her laziness H*attie came back to dwell in our home and literally hold our couch down. If you know the history you know my dislike on this event, especially given that the next day was my son's 3rd birthday bash. If you don't know the history, I'll shorten and sweeten bitterly truthfully give it to you. When she was 14yrs old my MIL passed away (FIL passed the year prior). My older SIL was supposed to take custody of her in this event, but seeing as she had just popped out her 3rd child she had changed her mind. H*attie was left a ward of the state. My loving kind-hearted DH decided we should petition the courts at a mild age of 19yrs for custody of her. It was granted. Fast forward to her turning 18yrs old and thinking that just b/c she was now a legal adult in the state of Ohio she could do as and disrespect us as she pleased. I cheated on my DH, b/c we were in a very bad place in our marriage do to her always running interference and infertility. She found out, she told him. (No, I'm not proud.) Shortly after DH's finding out, I found out I was pregnant with *B*. Things were in chaos and rumors were flying but I knew the truth, and that DH was/is *B*'s father. Then H*attie stole from a store while I was maternity clothes shopping. I kept her out of jail, she returned the favor by punching me in the belly and telling me she hoped my baby died as I didn't deserve a baby by her brother any how. That night she was out of our home, never supposed to return... guess I was mistaken, huh?

Short story on that was, she left J*ordan and *H* to be with another man. Mind you she left *H* alone in the house in a playpen at 15mths old with a note stating: "Being a mother is too much. I have no freedom. I want my life back." (Whole other rant and post... stupid ignorant bitch.) New guy's name was M*att. While with him, she couldn't stop her cheating ways, and he found out. I invited her to *B*'s party, and he decided to bring her here with all her belongings, chaos, and drama.... and drop her off.

Now that she's here she has supervised court ordered visits with *H* with DH, older SIL, or me. She's supposed to be getting a job. (Still haven't seen the likes of that, and even though she has no high school diploma or GED... fast food is below her, or so she thinks. ARGH!) We've been feeding her without any assistance, not that we need it... but we were living comfortably and able to go out and do things, now we're not. She smokes, so does DH (I would like for him to quit but I choose my battles wisely) and he used to go through a carton every 2wks, now it's every 5 days which we can't afford!! The whore is out all night until the wee hours of the morning, and in a month has been with 7 different guys. She's even been talking about getting pregnant again, which I'm afraid if she does I may kill her. Plus, the lazy bitch wants to sleep all day even when I yell and argue with her to get up. She doesn't help do any household chores around here, and she's so lazy I've had to tell her twice she stunk and to take a bath. It's ridiculous. All DH and I have done since she's been here is fight. She's been talking shit about me, and the cheating incident that happened 4yrs ago. She's even told DH to paternity test *B*, and she would pay for it. I've came thisclose to thumping her so many times since she's been here I can't count them on both hands. On top of all this she calls J*ordan not daily like she should to check on *H* occasionally when she's craving drama, and starts arguments with him on the phone.

The sad part of all this is, DH and I weren't in the best of places when she came here. Her coming to live with us was unexpected. DH and I haven't been right since my m/c in April, and her being here has only drove a wedge deeper into our already frail relationship. Even worse part is.... she knows this. She does things purposely to make me or *B* cry and when I go to DH about it, b/c still to this day have to walk on egg shells around her; he shrugs it off like it's no big deal it's just what she does ignore it. When she was a child I was raising it was so much easier... now she's a parent herself (or at least she's supposed to be) I can't ignore her ignorance, b/c it's not bliss. But, I can honestly see us in divorce court if things keep on the way that they are, and b/c my DH has this huge kind loving heart of gold... he's not putting her out regardless of what she does wrong. I'll have to do it and risk the backlash that comes with it when him and I fight b/c she'll be homeless due to burning every tie and bind she's ever had.

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Any way, in other un-H*attie involved news... *B*'s not going to preschool after all this year. I wanted him to go, and way back in the spring DH wanted him to, too. But, as DH has let buddies of his work out of our garage that have foul mouths, and DH has one around them too... you guessed it. *B* has a potty mouth as well. Since we have to pay for pre-school in our area, I refuse to let him go, and pay for it when he uses curse words in perfect sentence form and laughs about it. He'll for sure get kicked out of pre-school in the first week or day. I don't want that for him. So, I've decided since he's only 3, that I'll teach him the basics that he doesn't know already this year so he'll have an advantage next year.... and work on not using profanity. Oh and I need discipline tips on this, to btw??? I threaten with soap, but would never do that. I've been taking toys away and doing time out, but it's to no avail. Far from what I got back in the day (smacks to the mouth, hot sauce, and dish soap) I have not a clue what to do. Advice?

In other news, I think I'm finally at peace with my m/c. I'm ready to start TTC again, but my body is not. I've gained almost 20lbs since my m/c, and I need to shed that and then some. Right now I lack energy as my thyroid levels are out of whack again, and my family Dr. is adjusting them. Also, with the live-in we can't afford treatments and meds, let alone a baby. It breaks my heart that she is coming first yet again to our TTC wants and needs. I wish I already had meds from before so that I didn't have to buy them. I know that any RE is going to look at Foll*istim or Gon*alF as a full course line of treatment, and that is out of our price range. I wish that Ohio state law mandated something more than just HMO's offering infertility coverage to employees and PPO's doing diagnostic testing. I mean that is a blessing, but I'm so beyond that. For me and everyone like me in this state once we've found the results out of our testing and know what is causing our infertility dilemmas, we don't have insurance coverage to help us from there. We better hope we have a chicken laying golden eggs or a money tree in our back yards, if we're just middle class citizens like myself.... b/c our savings is shot from previous treatments and our 401Ks are already being repaid to us not to have a loan taken from again from being tapped out for the same reason. Why do treatments have to cost so much? *sigh*

Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get in for a D&C or another lap. I've had one AF since the bleeding from my m/c. I have horrible cramps all the time, but nothing changes on OPKs. All BFNs in sight. When DH and I have sex it hurts. It's never hurt before. There are times that I have to make him stop, and I end up in tears. I've been putting it off for weeks now, but I need to make the call. I'm just scared of what the OB/GYN will find/do. I just know I can't keep going like this.... it's killing our sex life and adding to that wedge.

If you've made it this far, thank you! I had alot I needed to get off my chest and update you on. Hopefully I'll get more computer time, but I guess we'll see. Wish I could password it, but that would just be a fight with DH that I don't want. *sigh* Wish me luck.... I'm hoping my head doesn't spin off into oblivion.