Hung Out To Dry

That is exactly how I feel these days. Try as I might to be ok with this past cycle I just can't move forward. I don't understand how I could have 3 glorious follicles on ultrasound, give myself a trigger shot and still not ovulate one of them. I feel clueless to infertility all over again like when I was first diagnosed, and just beginning my research on my diagnosis. This was a curve ball thrown my way and it's hard to wrap my head around it let alone think about it. I went to see my Dr. so I could speak with him about the goings-on in his office, how I felt as though I slipped through the cracks and about as to why I didn't ovulate even after using the HcG injection. His answers were summed up in placing blame on my PCOS. He said that even though there are adequate sized follicles present does not mean with the HcG boost they will release with PCOS. That a woman with PCO producing an extra hormone that develops a resistance in this task, which has became the case for me this go-round. I hate my dysfunctional ovaries. I hate my body. I'm crampy, emotional, and irritable but AF still hasn't visited. Not that I would welcome her presence none-the-less. It makes me cling to hope that maybe the lab work for my progesterone level was wrong. I mean for the past 4months I've been having AF on my own, no inducing of her necessary. I guess this false sense of hope makes me a stupid infertile woman. Lord knows, heck I know, this is a hopeless cycle. It's a bust. Why can't my head and my heart be on the same page about that?

Next course of treatment doesn't hold any hope to me either as there are not many changes from this time. He's increased my dosage of Met*formin from 2- 850mg tablets a day to 2- 1000mg tablets a day hoping it brings down the reaction in my ovaries and body. I'm not doing any type of treatment for the coming month other than that. Then once late October early November's AF arrives I'm getting a baseline u/s done on CD3, Cl*omid 150mg CD3-7, Menopur 225iu everyday starting on CD5, E2 levels every other day starting on CD7, u/s everyday starting on CD9 (this part is different from last time), triggering this time when a dominant follicle reaches 22-24mm instead of 18-20mm. And we've even though there are no sperm issues we've been what I feel like is only to be put as "bullied" into an IUI.

So, now you can tell where my title came from.... that is pretty much what this office is doing to me. Hanging me out to dry, b/c they didn't get me pregnant before and had to refer me off where all I heard there was my only options were IVF, so they don't really care one way or the other if they get me pregnant with #2, b/c they can just do the same thing again. Here's the kicker to there bullshit fertility lines and treatments I conceived *B* naturally after trying for almost 6yrs. 3yrs of those with treatments and a hyper-stimulated cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage. Something clicked in my body back then after that, now if only this stupid Dr. would listen to me about all the meds I was on then, maybe we could get there again naturally without all the need of modern medicine. If only.

A Giveaway

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Shattered Hopes & Splattered Dreams

I'm done. AF hasn't arrived. However, I thought I had the courage and strength to continue trying, but I can't handle feeling this way. I remember how infertility and treatments before took me to the very lowest points of feeling in my life. I had such high hopes every cycle, and I would continually get them crushed yet go back for more. I hated feeling like that, and I lost faith in God during that time. I can't say that I have as strong of a relationship with Him now I did once, but it is better since having *B* and I don't want to return to that agony, misery, and bitterness again. Any way, I found out today that despite doing everything right, and timing everything just how I was supposed to..... that I didn't ovulate. I don't understand this cycle or my body at all. I had three amazing looking follicles of perfect size, I did the HcG trigger injection, and yet I didn't ovulate. I just don't understand it. I'm confused yet not surprised. I continued to use OPKs after the trigger shot until my CD21 progesterone level draw, and never had two dark lines on any of them, and I was doing them morning and evening EVERYDAY. My results today that I sweet talked the lab tech into giving me since my Dr.'s office didn't call me back like they were supposed to on Fri. and give them to me were 0.4 meaning an annovulatory cycle. I'm not sure how this is possible?? Anyone any ideas, b/c I've scoured the internet today trying to come up with answers to fill in the blanks and I still have blanks.

To top it off, I'm fed up with my Dr's office. I love my Dr. He's an excellent physician and caring man, but the nurses his office is staffed with are neurotic insensitive morons. Most of them are new, a couple have no gynecological/obstetric/infertility experience. They don't relay messages appropriately. I'm having to give each one my patient history each time I call in b/c they're too stupid to pull up my name on their laptop in front of their faces. They don't return phone calls until you blow up their phone or voicemail. And, when ever I call in toward the end of a cycle after my patient run through the first question is always "Are you pregnant?" instead of "what can I do for you?" or something of that nature which is like a knife to the already emotionally sensitive heart. I felt as though the past 2-2 1/2 months I fell threw the cracks in that office. So, I'm in the process of finding a new Dr. One that I'll feel comfortable with and one that will treat me with respect not only as a regular OB/GYN patient but an infertility patient as well, and so will her/his nurses. In the meantime, I'm done with treatments and I'm on a weight loss mission, b/c unfortunately treatments combined with a little depression has helped me to pack on a few extra pounds that I don't want.

For now I'm off to snuggle with *B*, for I am so blessed to be his mother. And every minute with him helps to heal my ever aching heart. Thanks everyone for your support and prayers this cycle, just wish it would of played out differently.

Follicle Scan Was Today

The results are in and I'm super pleased and EXCITED!! I'm on CD12, and super amazed at how well this cycle went. My protocol never had to be changed thankfully. My E2 rised like it was supposed to. Today at 11am I saw the most amazing sight on u/s. I had a bunch of tiny little follies no bigger than 12mm on my left ovary, and on my right ovary (the one I've been having some tenderness in) were 3 beautifully sized follies measuring at 17mm, 18mm, and 20mm. I also had a bunch of little ones in that same ovary but no bigger than 9mm. I'm to give myself one more Me*nopur injection tonite of 225iu, and then tomorrow night the trigger shot. Please ladies send some baby dust my way, b/c with follies like these I really need it. Thanks and I'll keep you posted.

Boo-Boo For the *B* Monster

***WARNING: THIS ENTRY CONTAINS GRAPHIC GUT CHURNING PICS AT THE END SO PLEASE BE ADVISED!!!***

My little monkey acquired his first serious injury this past weekend. Of course I totally freaked out while DH played it all no big deal like, but whatever. He's my boy and seeing blood pour from anywhere out of his body is just too much. Here's what happened:

We were at DH's annual employee's hog roast/pool party. It's been held the past few years at the local water park/aquatic center. We've taken *B* there quite a few times and he's such a little fish anymore. He's not scared at all and just follows along with what other's are doing. Well there is a kiddy area that has this huge waterworks play thing in the middle of the pool for the younger kids. It has two slides on it, one being a curly cue slide that is open, and the other being a straight down closed in tunnel slide. *B* has went down both slides many times before always on his butt like the pictures indicate and the lifeguards on duty during the days make the children go down. We've never had a problem. Of course this being a closed to the public even the lifeguards were being lax on the supervision that they were giving to the kids going down these slides. There were numerous children going down all different ways that were not allowed. So, *B* my little social dragonfly that he is starts playing with this one little boy that I would say was probably 5yrs old. They're following each other around, splashing each other, playing hide and seek in the flat tube things....it was cute. No harm no foul. Well the little boy decides he wants to go down the slide. Sure no problem. They go up and go down a few times the right way. Then we go eat.

The whole time we were eating everyone could still swim and this little boy continued to swim. (No I have no clue where his parents were either.) *B* must of been watching him the entire time b/c I noticed that we'll he was eating that every once and awhile he would clap meaning good job. So, I look over and see what he's clapping about and it's the other little boy going down the slide doing tricks. After we got done eating, we got back in the pool and immediately *B* wants to go down the slides. We tried to deter him away from it for a little while but he started throwing a fit. So we took him up to go down the curly slide, and he went down a few times the right way to begin with, but each time he went to go again there were kids in line not doing it right. So, he gets up there again and tries to lay down like these other kids are on his belly feet first. DH sits him down the right way and he starts down. The little booger flips himself around the way he wanted to be before he got to me at the bottom and were the sections of the slide meet together he brought his chin down on it. He was already crying at that point and I was freaking out screaming for a first aide kit. I felt like nobody was doing anything to help me or him. Blood was just gushing out. Finally they took us inside the complex entrance and got him cleaned up. A woman DH works with is an EMT and said he needed to go to the ER he needed stitches.

So, we took him to the ER. He never cried other than when it very first happened. He's such a trooper. At the ER I had to hold a numbing cotton ball on the open wound that was freezing to the touch even to my fingers that he said "OW!" about, but otherwise he did super. He got 3 stitches, never flinched for the numbing shots or them. The nurses and the Dr. was super impressed with how big of a boy about it he was. He's very aware of his boo-boo and doesn't pick at it like I thought he would. I make sure to keep it super clean and he's so funny I use anti-septic wipes to clean it he'll ask me for a wipe and then pat it on his cut and so "Uckies all gone." Melt my heart why doesn't he. He gets them out on Friday....it won't be soon enough in my opinion but I know they need to be there until then it's just a PITA, b/c it's such a big deal to him and of course to me cleaning it wise.

Before (This is at our house we had to stop before the ER really quick to change him out of wet clothes and get our insurance card):

After (This is the next morning while he's still sleeping, I think they did an excellent job pulling it together):

Cycle Update

As you all should know I'm admist another cycle. I've had a couple of comments on what the protocal is, so I thought I would put it out there. Of course this is subject to change at anytime, but roughly this is what we're looking at for this cycle. I take Cl*omid on CD3-7. Then I do Me*nopur 150iu everyday starting on CD5. It's going to be CD5-12 and a follical scan on CD12 with more after that if needed. E2 every other day starting at CD8. I am getting the trigger shot this time, but since we have no sperm issues we won't be doing IUI. Will I regret that? Maybe, but I'm not trying to pessimistic just yet and I still have room to change my mind on that issue. I would prefer to conceive this child as we did *B*.... the more natural way (ya know in the bed). So, I guess my conscience will be the force to be reckoned with when the outcome of this cycle is laid out for me.

Any how I'll be getting back to my regularly scheduled program writing within the next day or so, b/c I have ALOT to pound out, and some free time. So, stay tuned.

Quick Update

For the only moment I have I wanted to stop by and let you all know that I'm still alive. DH has been on vacation this past week and rather than travel we've been doing things close to home. When I have more time (probably when he's back at work, b/c right now either we're on the go or I'm keeping myself busy cleaning so I don't blow up on him) I promise I'll post a more detailed entry about what is going on in the land of Baby Dreams. But for the most part I wanted to pop in and say "Hello, I'm still alive!" Plus, I wanted to make note that I started Clomid today and I start stimming Monday, b/c AF arrived on my Crappy Happy 26th Birthday. Damn that curse of the 13. (I'll explain it later...but chicky you know what I mean.)