One Month Old

Little Miss *A*,

Today you are one month old. It hardly seems that you can be this old already. Maybe it's b/c you have only been home from the hospital for 2wks, so to me it feels as though you're only 2wks old. Earlier this week you had your 2wk home from the hospital post-partum check up for growth and development to make sure that you are staying on track. You weighed 6lbs15oz and was 18.75in at this appt. You are still my petite little preemie, and even on the preemie charts this only puts you in the 5th precentile for growth & development. I guess that would be why you are still in preemie sized clothing and why they are still a little big on you.

Since you have been home we have been allowed to let you sleep as long as you will sleep at night before waking and wanting a bottle. The longest that you have went has been 4hr15min straight. However, you have your days and nights super confused and when you wake for a bottle between 3-4am you want to stay awake until the sun rises. I blame this on you being in the NICU since they always would weigh, measure, bathe, and do your other vitals on night shift at the start of a new day (usually early morning hours)... thus you are confused. I'm hoping that as you get older we can change this.

You are still wanting to eat every 3hrs usually, except for your stretch at night but that is pretty close to 3hrs too. The amount that you take is still a struggle too. I know that as long as you take an 1 1/2 ounces (45ml's) per feeding right now that you will be alright your pediatrician says but that is the least amount that you should be taking. There are some feeding that you will take 2oz (60ml's) but that is a stretch. You are still on Simi*lac Neo*sure as you need the extra calories, but your pediatrician says that eventually you'll catch up and then you'll come off of that type of formula. Either way it doesn't bother me as long as you're staying on track and you don't end up back in the hospital for anything.

The past couple of days you have figured out what and where your hair is. I will catch you several times a day with your hand in the back of your head wide open feeling your hair. You get wide eyed with amazment when you do this, but I'm glad that you are learning and exploring already. Speaking of your hands (actually your thumbs), I think that if we would let you that you would be a thumb sucker. This is follwing in true fashion of your Aunt Blu who was a thumb sucker. I think that it is adorable that you are doing this, but I'm not sure how adorable it'll be in a year if you keep it up and we can't break you of the habit. So, we've been covering your hands with the flaps on your sleepers and listening to you whine while we rock you to sleep, b/c we refuse to give in to giving you back the pacifier.

Otherwise my sweet girl you are growing and developing and perfect in every way. You have cam into our crazy chaotic family and made it even crazier and more chaotic, but we wouldn't know what we would do without you, b/c you've made our lives complete! We love you more and more each day, and you are truly one of our greatest blessings.

Love-

Mama

1st Day of Pre-School

I can not believe that I now have a pre-schooler. Today was *B*'s 1st day of pre-school. He was so very excited to go. I know I hardly slept last night with all the anxiety for him for his first day. I felt like I was going to my first day of a new school year all over again like I did when I was school aged. He doesn't ride the bus, which is a curse (with a new baby and throwing off our schedules) and a blessing (I can monitor who he's in contact with and control things better in this out of my control situation), so I will be taking him back and forth to school.

Before leaving this morning I packed his lunch for school. It was such a surreal feeling. I asked him what he wanted and the night before we went grocery shopping and he had picked out something things for his lunch. For his lunch he chose a chicken nugget lunchable meal. I packed an extra drink (cap*ri sun juice) and a package of fruit snacks to go with it. After we were all already and breakfast (chocolate chip waffle) was ate, we headed out the door. But not before stopping to snap a couple photos to remember the big day.We pulled out and arrived at school at 8:45am. School starts at 9:00am, so we had plenty of time for him to settle into what was going to happen once we got there. Instantly he was hypered up about school, but slowly started to settle down once more and more kids started arriving and were upset. Once it was 9:00am the teacher had all the students line up single file and walk down to their classroom from the gym where they were waiting. He followed the directions so well, and I couldn't of been more proud. When we got down to the classroom the teacher had all the students sit and they started to work on their first art project of the class year. She had their names written on construction paper to which she outlined each letter with glue, and then they were to put different craft materials on the glue. He went straight to work.

I stayed with him for a little over an hour during which time he put together a puzzle, played with legos and a train, and got in trouble and sat in time out for throwing stuffed food toys in the classroom. After that the class was headed to the gym to burn off some steam, so I figured that was my time to make my grand exit. I told him "Good-bye" quickly with a kiss and a hug and out the door I went. He never cried, but once the school doors closed behind me I bawled like a baby. My first born, my baby... he's growing so fast and is now a BIG boy AND a pre-schooler... sniff, sniff... *sigh* time flies. Thank goodness school is over at 3pm today and he'll be home with me again. :)

And In the Blink Of An Eye... She's Here!!

This is my final belly pic that was taken from my pregnancy. It was taken on July 23th and I was exactly 37wks pregnant. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last belly pic or that in two days time when I went into my OB's office for my NST that things would change.On July 25th when I went for my NST appt I thought it would be an appt like any other. However upon arrival I already had that gut feeling that this would be the last full day that I would be pregnant. I had had a severe headache for 3 days & the end of the 23rd I started swelling and it didn't go down. I packed my hospital bag and headed to the OB. When I arrived my BP was taken and I peed in a cup. My protien dipstick was a +3 spill over & my BP was 194/90. I was hooked up to the NST monitor. After an hour on the monitor and a couple of contractions with very little movement other than vigorous distressed movement that made the Little Miss' heart rate drop my OB finally came in my room. He went over the NST strip printout & then checked me & did an u/s. I was 2cm dialated & she was weighing 5lbs15oz give or take a bit. He told me that things didn't look very well and it was in mine and her best interest for her to be outside of me rather than inside. He then instructed me to go straight to L&D to be admitted and for pitocin to be started.

I left his office in a haze. I called DH who was at work to let him know what was going on and that he need to get to the hospital ASAP. I drove around the hospital to the main entrance and went to L&D. I was admitted, blood work was drawn, & the IV with pitocin & magnesium sulfate for my high BP was started all by 5pm. DH finally arrived & the contractions were getting intense. I continued to contract regularly & be checked every couple of hours. At 9pm, I called- the nurse to tell her I couldn't handle the pain any longer and to see if I could be checked again so I could get my epidural. I was still only 2cm dialated & -2 station, but I was having trouble breathing through the contractions and was crying b/c they hurt so badly. The nurse decided to call my OB to see if he would allow pain medication in my IV, instead he told her to call the anesthesiologist for my epidural so that I could progress with dialation. At 9:30pm I received my epidural and I was pain-free and in heaven.

At midnight I was checked again and I was a stretchy 7cm almost an 8 and at a 0 station. I was comfortable, but I couldn't sleep. I kept getting the chills & shakes that you get when you receive and epidural so it was hard for me to sleep. Plus I was too excited to sleep knowing that it wouldn't be very long before I would be meeting my baby girl. At 3am I started to be able to feel my contractions again and I had the urge to push, so I called for the nurse. When she checked me she said that I was complete and had a bulging bag of water & told me absolutely do not push. She paged my OB. At 3:25am my OB had arrived and was checking me only to find the same thing as the nurse and he too instructed me not to push. At this point the bed was then broke down, everyone got into position & gowned up. At 3:41am my OB broke my bag of water, and told me when I felt my next contractions to push with full force. 2 contractions, 2 pushes, and 2 minutes later my daughter made her presence into the world.

I'd like to Welcome to the World my beautiful daughter Alianna Brooke!!

Born: July 26, 2011 at 3:43am

Weight: 5lbs5oz Height: 18.5in Apgars: 6 & 7

When she was born she had issues with her breathing and had to be rushed to the NICU. I never got to hold her, and only got to see her for about 30 seconds. She had to be put on a machine to help her breathe called a C-Pap to begin with, but after about 6hrs and still struggling to breathe with that she had to be intubated and put on a ventilator with steriod medicine dispersed in the oxygen for her lungs. It was determined that she had lung immaturity with what is known as "sticky lungs." After 24hrs of being on the ventilator she began breathing over it was again put back on C-Pap. A couple of days later she finally was down graded to a nasal cannula, only to end up back on C-Pap b/c it was thought that she had developed pneumonia. On Sunday, July 31st another chest x-ray was done for the pneumonia & her lab work came back and it was determined that it was only her lung sticking together again with the sticky lung. She was able to go back to nasal cannula that day, and by the next day she didn't even need that. She went into an incubator type isolette from a warming bed at this point and was breathing room air. At this time she was also being treated for jaundice, and had to be under a glow lamp.

At this point all she had been given in the way of food had been formula through a feeding tube in her mouth and then again in her nose, so the battle began. She had to learn how to eat on her own. How to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time. She struggled with this, and started out at only 10cc's which is only 1/3 of an ounce of formula. This amount was well below the amount that she should be taking for her age and weight. Finally on August 8th she had mastered eating what she was supposed to (42cc's) in the 15-20 minute time frame she was alotted and was able to hold her body temperature outside of the isolette, and was allowed to finally go home. She was 13 days old, and from the very beginning God had a plan for when she would arrive in the world and how things would go. I say this b/c she was born on my deceased MIL's birthday, and came home my deceased best-friend's birthday.
She's 17 days old today and as of this past Wednesday she weighed 6lbs even at the pediatrician's office. I love being a mother of two, but it's been a huge transition and trying to split my time between the two (especially when she was in the hospital) has been my greatest challenge... but it's not one that I would change any part of for anything in the world.

Fears, Complications, & Meltdowns

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch of this pregnancy. It's a surreal feeling being 36w2d along. Lately there has been quite a bit of stuff going on. So, I'll start with how I titled this post.

Fears: I keep thinking about if I'll be able to handle being a mother of 2. I'm great as a mother of *B*, but I don't want him to feel left out when the Little Miss arrives. That is one of my biggest fears is if I'll be able to manage my time accordingly when I already know I'll be a single mom throughout the day and babies take up a huge amount of anyone's time. I worry that *B* will feel left out. I worry that even though the Little Miss has flipped and is now currently head down that I'll still end up having to have a c-section. I'm scared that my hormonal pregnancy attitude I've been sporting that has alienated most all people in my life is starting to sneak into my marriage. I know that DH loves me and I love him, but somedays I feel as though our marriage is hanging by a thread b/c I'm so bitchy. I'm scared that I'll have PPD again and I won't be able to function and I'll be left at home with 2 kids sitting on the couch or in the chair bawling and in shambles while my DH works hard to support us. Maybe it's just me, but I'm hoping that these are all normal late pregnancy fears, and that everything will be alright.

Complications: Apparently I am sporting the pregnancy complications of pre-e again. This past Thursday I was admitted into L&D for high BP (190s/90s) and protien in my urine. Once I got there and got all settled with meds my BP started to come down, but I'm still not out of the woods. My 24hr urine protien came back at 185, which was lower than my original baseline urine of 191.2. I have to have twice a week NSTs now and I'm on strict bedrest until this Saturday when I'll be 37wks and my OB says whatever happens happens and he'll let her come into this world if need be. Can I just say how hard it was to be away from DH & *B* for 24hrs. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to do it once the Little Miss actually does arrive in the world. I just hope that I don't keep having high BPs as they make me so sick and so very moody. Guess time will only tell.

Meltdowns: Yep, that should be my middle name these days. Everytime I turn around I'm snapping at this person or that person. I have a strong patience for everyone and everything usually but I just can not handle being pregnant anymore and all the non-caring, stupidity stricken, nagging, and annoying people that surround me. I know I'm almost at the end of this pregnancy and these hormones will go away but in the meantime I'm killing off relationships I have with others one by one. In the moment it feels good b/c then I know I won't have to deal with the preson anymore the rest of this pregnancy, but after thought and it's all said and done I realize I'll probably kill off the relationship permanently not just until I'm no longer pregnant and that greatly saddens me. In the meantime I'm just trying to steer clear of everyone unless they come and ask me what is going on so that I don't lose another friendship or family member.

So, with all that being said... HURRY UP 38WKS AND GET HERE ALREADY!! I'm miserable & I'm over ready to be done.

35w0d

I feel like such a slacker when it comes to documenting this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with *B* I was on top of everything. I never wanted to forget a moment, no matter how big or small it was. Now that I'm already a mother and this is my second pregnancy (and I hate to admit this) I don't feel as documenting everything is so significant. I don't want my daughter to feel as though she's second rate and I didn't care as much, but fact is I do. It's just this pregnancy has been so eventful (not that *B*'s wasn't just as eventful) and having a 4yr old to go with that has made blogging about all the little things (and the big things too apparently) really hard.

So, any way... I'm exactly 35wks pregnant today. My belly sure has grown since my last belly shot post:

I've done really good with taking belly shots every couple of weeks even if I don't post them.

The gestational diabetes has been treating me fairly decently. I've had to increase my meds twice (about every 3wks) since I found out. My high risk OB said that this is fairly common in pregnancy with women with GD that had PCOS with IR prior to pregnancy. I've only gained a total of 17lbs this entire pregnancy. That is way different from the 49lbs I gained with *B*.

I've recently been being closely monitored for the potential of pre-e. I had pre-e with my son that developed into toxemia where I started to have temor like seizures in my extremities. The risks of having pre-e again are fairly minimal in an uncomplicated pregnancy, but since I have GD the stress of dealing with that can also cause an increase in the risk of having pre-e. My blood pressures had been good, but they fluctuate and my last couple appts were a bit on the higher side of normal. Not to mention that I had a +2 on the urine dipstick for protien. I had to do the 24hr urine clean catch which showed a protien count of 192. Over 300 is considered dangerous, so it's up there but I'm not in the worry zone about it quite yet.

However, I am in the worry zone about having a c-section. The Little Miss is still breech (as of yesterday to be exact). She's in a frank breech position... meaning her head and feet are at the top of my uterus while her butt is in my pelvic region. My high risk OB discussed with my doing a technique called aversion rotation to try to flip her starting at 36wks gestation and doing it each week until she flips or my "term" date* that they have made for me. He mentioned a few of the risks with percentages on each, and of course all of the benefits with success percentages. I watched a couple videos on YouTube of this procedure, and it looks so scary and mega painful to her and me.

*My "term" date has been established at 38wks gestation b/c of me having GD. They don't want her to get too big, and the last 4wks of gestation is when babies pack on the pudge. Also, b/c she is breech going past 38wks with the potential poundage she could put on makes a c-section after this period in pregnancy alot more complicated as well.

I start going to my regular OB starting this week twice a week for NSTs. I love hearing her little heartbeat on the monitors. Unfortunately I don't love that I have to do this twice a week b/c of the contractions I've been having. I'm 1cm dialated currently, and only 10-15% thinned and effaced. I've only got 3wks left and I've begun the count down. I'm getting uncomfortable as the heat & humidity climbs around here, so I'm just ready to be done already. But anyhow, that is the update on the pregnancy homefront around these here parts. I'll try to keep ya'll updated as things progress or change. In the meantime I'm off to soak up the summer sun with my DH, god-daughter, & amazing son. Hope ya'll are doing the same.

Happy 4th Birthday *B*!!!!

I can't believe that 4yrs ago today I finally became a Mother. That day forever has changed my life. My heart now walks around outside of my body and will forever. He currently is 52lbs & 42in tall. A huge difference from the 6lbs9oz & 20in he came into the world at. He also got accepted into pre-school for this fall which he is thrilled about.

I love you, baby. Happy 4th Birthday!! I hope that your Cars2 themed party tomorrow is everything that you want it to be.

**I have much more to write about, such as the pregnancy thus far, more on *B*, and just a general update. Oh and I can't believe that I've missed the whole month of June in the blogosphere. Alas though, these things will have to wait as I have a ton of food to prepare for *B*'s party tomorrow that about 40 guests will be attending. Stay tuned I'll be back ASAP.**

WARNING: SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!

MELTDOWN IN 3.... 2.... 1.... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(So, that you're aware before you proceed through this entry there is some vulgarity, alot of whining, bitching, and complaining. You are forewarned.)

The past two weeks have been weeks from hell, to put it mildly. It started with going to my new OB for my first appt. That wasn't that bad. But, I had to have the 1hr GTT done, that all women get done while at this point in their pregnancy. I failed that with flying colors, of course. So, I had the 3hr GTT done. Failed that too with flying colors. So, I had to see a diabetic dietitian and a diabetic counseling nurse. All that was fine too. What wasn't fine was that even given my new diet plan, and following it to the "T" I was having high sugars and severe lows. So, I had to call my OB to let him know what was going on. He then increased my oral insulin (Gly*buride) and referred me to a high risk specialist that deals with nothing but pregnant women that have gestational diabetes. The problem with this is it is an hour and forty-five minute drive away from where I live. Shit!

Seriously having GD has been a huge pain in my ass, and I've only been dealing with it for a week and a half. I hate having headaches from bouncing sugars. I hate having to watch my diet and my total carb count. I hate feeling shakey when my sugar drops to rapidly. I hate pricking my fingers 7 times a day. I hate that I have sore fingertips that even hurt to type let alone do anything else with. I hate that I have to sit by watching my family eat things I love, while I can't do it. I hate that this has honestly been the one complication that I've had so far, when I was really looking forward to an uneventful pregnancy this go round since my pregnancy with *B* was so complicated & intense. I hate that I feel like I can no longer enjoy this pregnancy, and that I feel like I'm counting down the days until it'll be over just so that I don't have to deal with this shit anymore.

If you've ever had GD, and have never dealt with sugar issues before I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It is like torture for a pregnant person. You want to eat when you want to eat, and you want to eat what you want to eat whenever. I constantly feel like I'm starving b/c I'm only allowed to eat every 3hrs, and the the options I have to eat feel limiting to me and most certainly do not fill me up. Oh and then there is the drinking water and only water thing. I love water don't get me wrong. It's my go to drink. However, I like to drink a sweet tea or a can of soda every once in awhile. If you drink one 12oz drink of either that is already one 30g total carb meal or snack and you haven't even ate anything with it. ARGH! Oh and it's summer and two of my favorite things to eat (ice cream & popscicles) are HUGE no-no's.

I know I need to be looking to the brighter side of things and seeing that this is such a small price to pay to ensure optimal health for my in-utero daughter who needs me, but damn it's sooooo hard for me. I'm doing better on my higher dosage sugar med, but it still feels like I'm depriving myself of things. I just have to keep telling myself there is only 11wks or less until she makes her presence in the world, and I can do it. I have to do it, for her health and my own.

Oh and as if dealing with having GD isn't bad enough *B* had his adnoid & tonsilectomy done a week ago today. He didn't have to have tubes put in his ears thank goodness. He was a champ at eating directly after the surgery with 2 popscicles, a chocolate chip cookie, chicken & stars soup with crackers, orange sherbet ice cream, about 5 bites of a sub I was eating for lunch, and some gold* fish crackers. His appetite is much different now though. I'm lucky to get him to eat one thing a day and drink 12oz or so of fluid. He's healing fine, but his whining from pain has me at my breaking point too. I know that he can't change how he feels thus he can't change his reactions to how he feels, but it's very exhausting for me. DH helps as much as he can when he's not working, but most times I feel like he makes him cry when he's home. I know he doesn't mean to and he's just parenting *B* how he should be parented when he's not sore, it's just that it's hard on me seeing him crying. I tend to give him whatever he wants when DH isn't here just so that I don't have to listen to the constant whimpering and whining that has become and everyday thing now for a week.

Go ahead pass me the Bad Mother Award, I don't give a shit. I'm dealing with enough as it is, what's one more thing to deal with or be criticized on. I can't wait until he's back to 100%... it most certainly can not come fast enough. I think this Mama needs a vacation... PRONTO!

*sigh*