Fears, Complications, & Meltdowns

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch of this pregnancy. It's a surreal feeling being 36w2d along. Lately there has been quite a bit of stuff going on. So, I'll start with how I titled this post.

Fears: I keep thinking about if I'll be able to handle being a mother of 2. I'm great as a mother of *B*, but I don't want him to feel left out when the Little Miss arrives. That is one of my biggest fears is if I'll be able to manage my time accordingly when I already know I'll be a single mom throughout the day and babies take up a huge amount of anyone's time. I worry that *B* will feel left out. I worry that even though the Little Miss has flipped and is now currently head down that I'll still end up having to have a c-section. I'm scared that my hormonal pregnancy attitude I've been sporting that has alienated most all people in my life is starting to sneak into my marriage. I know that DH loves me and I love him, but somedays I feel as though our marriage is hanging by a thread b/c I'm so bitchy. I'm scared that I'll have PPD again and I won't be able to function and I'll be left at home with 2 kids sitting on the couch or in the chair bawling and in shambles while my DH works hard to support us. Maybe it's just me, but I'm hoping that these are all normal late pregnancy fears, and that everything will be alright.

Complications: Apparently I am sporting the pregnancy complications of pre-e again. This past Thursday I was admitted into L&D for high BP (190s/90s) and protien in my urine. Once I got there and got all settled with meds my BP started to come down, but I'm still not out of the woods. My 24hr urine protien came back at 185, which was lower than my original baseline urine of 191.2. I have to have twice a week NSTs now and I'm on strict bedrest until this Saturday when I'll be 37wks and my OB says whatever happens happens and he'll let her come into this world if need be. Can I just say how hard it was to be away from DH & *B* for 24hrs. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to do it once the Little Miss actually does arrive in the world. I just hope that I don't keep having high BPs as they make me so sick and so very moody. Guess time will only tell.

Meltdowns: Yep, that should be my middle name these days. Everytime I turn around I'm snapping at this person or that person. I have a strong patience for everyone and everything usually but I just can not handle being pregnant anymore and all the non-caring, stupidity stricken, nagging, and annoying people that surround me. I know I'm almost at the end of this pregnancy and these hormones will go away but in the meantime I'm killing off relationships I have with others one by one. In the moment it feels good b/c then I know I won't have to deal with the preson anymore the rest of this pregnancy, but after thought and it's all said and done I realize I'll probably kill off the relationship permanently not just until I'm no longer pregnant and that greatly saddens me. In the meantime I'm just trying to steer clear of everyone unless they come and ask me what is going on so that I don't lose another friendship or family member.

So, with all that being said... HURRY UP 38WKS AND GET HERE ALREADY!! I'm miserable & I'm over ready to be done.

35w0d

I feel like such a slacker when it comes to documenting this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with *B* I was on top of everything. I never wanted to forget a moment, no matter how big or small it was. Now that I'm already a mother and this is my second pregnancy (and I hate to admit this) I don't feel as documenting everything is so significant. I don't want my daughter to feel as though she's second rate and I didn't care as much, but fact is I do. It's just this pregnancy has been so eventful (not that *B*'s wasn't just as eventful) and having a 4yr old to go with that has made blogging about all the little things (and the big things too apparently) really hard.

So, any way... I'm exactly 35wks pregnant today. My belly sure has grown since my last belly shot post:

I've done really good with taking belly shots every couple of weeks even if I don't post them.

The gestational diabetes has been treating me fairly decently. I've had to increase my meds twice (about every 3wks) since I found out. My high risk OB said that this is fairly common in pregnancy with women with GD that had PCOS with IR prior to pregnancy. I've only gained a total of 17lbs this entire pregnancy. That is way different from the 49lbs I gained with *B*.

I've recently been being closely monitored for the potential of pre-e. I had pre-e with my son that developed into toxemia where I started to have temor like seizures in my extremities. The risks of having pre-e again are fairly minimal in an uncomplicated pregnancy, but since I have GD the stress of dealing with that can also cause an increase in the risk of having pre-e. My blood pressures had been good, but they fluctuate and my last couple appts were a bit on the higher side of normal. Not to mention that I had a +2 on the urine dipstick for protien. I had to do the 24hr urine clean catch which showed a protien count of 192. Over 300 is considered dangerous, so it's up there but I'm not in the worry zone about it quite yet.

However, I am in the worry zone about having a c-section. The Little Miss is still breech (as of yesterday to be exact). She's in a frank breech position... meaning her head and feet are at the top of my uterus while her butt is in my pelvic region. My high risk OB discussed with my doing a technique called aversion rotation to try to flip her starting at 36wks gestation and doing it each week until she flips or my "term" date* that they have made for me. He mentioned a few of the risks with percentages on each, and of course all of the benefits with success percentages. I watched a couple videos on YouTube of this procedure, and it looks so scary and mega painful to her and me.

*My "term" date has been established at 38wks gestation b/c of me having GD. They don't want her to get too big, and the last 4wks of gestation is when babies pack on the pudge. Also, b/c she is breech going past 38wks with the potential poundage she could put on makes a c-section after this period in pregnancy alot more complicated as well.

I start going to my regular OB starting this week twice a week for NSTs. I love hearing her little heartbeat on the monitors. Unfortunately I don't love that I have to do this twice a week b/c of the contractions I've been having. I'm 1cm dialated currently, and only 10-15% thinned and effaced. I've only got 3wks left and I've begun the count down. I'm getting uncomfortable as the heat & humidity climbs around here, so I'm just ready to be done already. But anyhow, that is the update on the pregnancy homefront around these here parts. I'll try to keep ya'll updated as things progress or change. In the meantime I'm off to soak up the summer sun with my DH, god-daughter, & amazing son. Hope ya'll are doing the same.

Happy 4th Birthday *B*!!!!

I can't believe that 4yrs ago today I finally became a Mother. That day forever has changed my life. My heart now walks around outside of my body and will forever. He currently is 52lbs & 42in tall. A huge difference from the 6lbs9oz & 20in he came into the world at. He also got accepted into pre-school for this fall which he is thrilled about.

I love you, baby. Happy 4th Birthday!! I hope that your Cars2 themed party tomorrow is everything that you want it to be.

**I have much more to write about, such as the pregnancy thus far, more on *B*, and just a general update. Oh and I can't believe that I've missed the whole month of June in the blogosphere. Alas though, these things will have to wait as I have a ton of food to prepare for *B*'s party tomorrow that about 40 guests will be attending. Stay tuned I'll be back ASAP.**

WARNING: SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!

MELTDOWN IN 3.... 2.... 1.... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(So, that you're aware before you proceed through this entry there is some vulgarity, alot of whining, bitching, and complaining. You are forewarned.)

The past two weeks have been weeks from hell, to put it mildly. It started with going to my new OB for my first appt. That wasn't that bad. But, I had to have the 1hr GTT done, that all women get done while at this point in their pregnancy. I failed that with flying colors, of course. So, I had the 3hr GTT done. Failed that too with flying colors. So, I had to see a diabetic dietitian and a diabetic counseling nurse. All that was fine too. What wasn't fine was that even given my new diet plan, and following it to the "T" I was having high sugars and severe lows. So, I had to call my OB to let him know what was going on. He then increased my oral insulin (Gly*buride) and referred me to a high risk specialist that deals with nothing but pregnant women that have gestational diabetes. The problem with this is it is an hour and forty-five minute drive away from where I live. Shit!

Seriously having GD has been a huge pain in my ass, and I've only been dealing with it for a week and a half. I hate having headaches from bouncing sugars. I hate having to watch my diet and my total carb count. I hate feeling shakey when my sugar drops to rapidly. I hate pricking my fingers 7 times a day. I hate that I have sore fingertips that even hurt to type let alone do anything else with. I hate that I have to sit by watching my family eat things I love, while I can't do it. I hate that this has honestly been the one complication that I've had so far, when I was really looking forward to an uneventful pregnancy this go round since my pregnancy with *B* was so complicated & intense. I hate that I feel like I can no longer enjoy this pregnancy, and that I feel like I'm counting down the days until it'll be over just so that I don't have to deal with this shit anymore.

If you've ever had GD, and have never dealt with sugar issues before I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It is like torture for a pregnant person. You want to eat when you want to eat, and you want to eat what you want to eat whenever. I constantly feel like I'm starving b/c I'm only allowed to eat every 3hrs, and the the options I have to eat feel limiting to me and most certainly do not fill me up. Oh and then there is the drinking water and only water thing. I love water don't get me wrong. It's my go to drink. However, I like to drink a sweet tea or a can of soda every once in awhile. If you drink one 12oz drink of either that is already one 30g total carb meal or snack and you haven't even ate anything with it. ARGH! Oh and it's summer and two of my favorite things to eat (ice cream & popscicles) are HUGE no-no's.

I know I need to be looking to the brighter side of things and seeing that this is such a small price to pay to ensure optimal health for my in-utero daughter who needs me, but damn it's sooooo hard for me. I'm doing better on my higher dosage sugar med, but it still feels like I'm depriving myself of things. I just have to keep telling myself there is only 11wks or less until she makes her presence in the world, and I can do it. I have to do it, for her health and my own.

Oh and as if dealing with having GD isn't bad enough *B* had his adnoid & tonsilectomy done a week ago today. He didn't have to have tubes put in his ears thank goodness. He was a champ at eating directly after the surgery with 2 popscicles, a chocolate chip cookie, chicken & stars soup with crackers, orange sherbet ice cream, about 5 bites of a sub I was eating for lunch, and some gold* fish crackers. His appetite is much different now though. I'm lucky to get him to eat one thing a day and drink 12oz or so of fluid. He's healing fine, but his whining from pain has me at my breaking point too. I know that he can't change how he feels thus he can't change his reactions to how he feels, but it's very exhausting for me. DH helps as much as he can when he's not working, but most times I feel like he makes him cry when he's home. I know he doesn't mean to and he's just parenting *B* how he should be parented when he's not sore, it's just that it's hard on me seeing him crying. I tend to give him whatever he wants when DH isn't here just so that I don't have to listen to the constant whimpering and whining that has become and everyday thing now for a week.

Go ahead pass me the Bad Mother Award, I don't give a shit. I'm dealing with enough as it is, what's one more thing to deal with or be criticized on. I can't wait until he's back to 100%... it most certainly can not come fast enough. I think this Mama needs a vacation... PRONTO!

*sigh*

Failed A Test

Hey ya'll!! Long time no blog. Things are going good here on the pregnancy & home fronts. Today I am currently 27w1d pregnant, and things seem to be moving along quite well. However, there have been a couple of minor (and one major, but now resolved) setbacks.

First and foremost the major set back was having to find a new OB at 22wks pregnant. I went in for my last OB visit with my old (but new to my gynecological history) Dr. When I was in there it was the 3 appt. that I had asked him about monitoring my TSH levels for my hypothyroidism. I also asked him about getting re-fills for my Metformin, Synthroid, and what he was going to do about my BP since he had taken me off of my BP meds at the beginning of my pregnancy and I was having slightly elevated BPs. His responses to my questions made me shutter. He told me to go off my Metformin completely and he wasn't prescribing me a re-fill for it and that I shouldn't even be taking it while pregnant. Any PCOSer that has been pregnant and carried to term should know that remaining on Metformin throughout your pregnancy is extremely beneficial. It helps prevent miscarriage early on in pregnancy AND later in pregnancy helps to prevent pre-term labor (which I am/was at risk for both). I asked him if he had medical documents for proof of these findings, b/c my previous OB had told and showed me things contray to these statements of his he was telling. His response was I'm sure I do but, I'll have to look for them. In the meantime go off the Metformin and get your GTT done.

I again asked him about my thyroid after he had said this all to me, and he told me I wasn't presenting with signs of my TSH being out of order so he didn't think that I needed it tested. Ladies with hypothyroidism, please if your OB tells you this while pregnant... FIND ANOTHER OB!! Having your TSH level test frequently (like every 4-6wks) while pregnant is crucial. If your TSH is out of order at anytime throughout your pregnancy and your medication is not regulated it can harm your baby's brain development in-utero and also cause developmental delays for your child once s/he is born. I questioned his judgement on this and again he repeated himself to me.

Also, about the BP meds. He told me that I had nothing to worry about that my BP was fine. Ummm, not hardly. I had pre-e that changed into eclampsia and finally toxemia while I was pregnant with *B*. This is caused from unmonitored or untreated hypertension and your body's natural defense mechanism fromt eh liver filtering out the toxins appropriately. Being that I have had chronic hypertension since early 2006 before I was ever pregnant with my son and then extreme hypertension involving the complications that I had with him, this is something that any OB should definitely be on top of throughout your pregnancy instead of letting it go.

Over all I just felt like I had slipped through the cracks in the care of this OB and office, AND that he is a quack!! So, I started with calling my insurances once I left his office and finding out if I could switch Dr's this late in my pregnancy. I was told yes, but that I might have a difficult time finding one that would accept me since I was past 20wks pregnant. They gave me a list of OBs affiliated with different hospitals within a certain distance of me that accepted my insurances. I started calling, and thankfully the very last OB that I had contacted and was waiting on hearing back from on if they would accept me called back. His office would indeed accept me. So, this past Monday was my first appt.

When I went in there I had been suffering from severe migraines that weren't allergy related. I thought for sure they were from having high BPs. My BP when I was in there was only 122/80, and I had a migraine. This new OB was so thorough, and I was very pleased with him. He went along with everything my original OB had told me about my meds and monitoring. We spoke in his office, then I went to an exam room and was looked over, and finally ended in the u/s room getting to see the Little Miss. She was measuring right on track, weighing in at 1lb13oz so far, and her HR was 146bpm. The OB said that my headaches could be anything from high BP (which it wasn't high that day) to sugar issues to allergies to changing hormone levels. He ordered a whole battery of bloodwork including the 1hr GTT. That is the test I failed, and it is one that I couldn't study or prepare for. When the nurses called the following day about my test results she told me I had failed it miserably, that they don't like to see numbers over 130 and mine was pushing 300. So, I was ordered the to do the 3hr GTT.

That test was done on Friday the 13th. I don't have the results back yet for that (but will tomorrow), and I'm not superstitious but I don't have high expectations for the results from this test. It was like torture for me (and if you've ever had it done you too). I had to fast for 12hrs before the initial blood FBS blood draw. That level came back at 122 after not eating or drinking for 12hrs. Then I had to drink that nasty overloaded with sugar flat Orange Sunkist tasting drink. Blech! At the end of the test I had been poked 5 times for blood draws ever hour on the hour (I only needed to be poked 4 times but one time the lab tech blew threw my vein), had an extreme migraine as well as the shakes. You don't realize how hungry you are when you're pregnant until you've been forced to go without for food for 15 1/2hrs. Yeah, extreme torture is the only way I can go about describing the 3hr GTT.

So, those are my major and minor set backs... but honestly unless I find out I failed the 3hr GTT I don't think they are that bad now looking back. So, that being said I'll leave you with my belly shots from 20wks, 22wks, 24wks (Easter Sunday), and 26wks (last week, Mother's Day). The Little Miss is growing like a weed and so is my belly. I just wish I could feel her on the outside more, instead of feeling on her kicking in my cervical area. She's still breech the little stinker any way. Enjoy!

Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you so much Wifey for the nomination!! I'm surprised that I received this nomination as I've been a slacker blogger lately. None-the-less I'm honored, so thank you again. :)

Here are the rules:
1.) Winners- Put the above image in your blog.
2.) Include a link back to the person who gave it to you.
3.) Tell 10 things about yourself
4.) Award 15 other bloggers
5.)Contact the bloggers you awarded and let them know they won.

The award image is right there at the top of this post, and I've linked back to the amazing woman who nominated me (make sure you check her blog out). To post this image to your blog right click on the image and then select "save picture as." It should already come up named and save to where you store your pictures on your computer, all you have to do from there is upload it like you would any other picture to your blog.

Now, to tell 10 things about myself.
1.) I am pregnant with our second blessing. In case you've missed it in past posts we are also expecting a GIRL!!
2.) Speaking of our little girl, we have finally decided on a name. However, we're not telling until she's here on Earth, b/c it never fails someone takes our name before we get the chance to use it. 3.) I never thought I'd be able to say that after we have this bundle of joy that "We're done." From the very beginning of DH and my relationship we agreed on one boy and one girl, but once we found out about our infertility woes that slightly changed. We said after *B* that if we were blessed again and it was a boy we would try for a third, but if we ended up with three boys we were done at three regardless. Well, as luck would have it one boy, one girl... I'm getting rid of my junk female insides once she's here.
4.) Even though we've miraculously conceived both of our children naturally when we weren't trying beating alot of the infertility statistics and odds, I still consider myself an infertile. I don't think that that will ever change since we were trying it never happened and we spent thousands of dollars for hundreds of BFNs. To me I still feel broken even though alot of my fellow readers would consider it otherwise.
5.) I've been battling depression my entire pregnancy. Actually, I was dealing with it before I was pregnant, but mix in the addtional hormones and it's much worse. I'm not on any meds for my depression currently, but eventually I'll have to give in before she gets here and get a handle on things so I can function more normally.
6.) Things with my DH and I really aren't that great. We have been having our back and forth battles. We are striving and struggling as a couple to find each other again, and personally for myself fall back in love with him. Our past can not be just that... the past, and we struggle with realizing that and with realizing that we should turn to one another for support instead of other people. And, even though we are at a better place right now on the way to getting there we were thisclose to divorce.
7.) I consider myself a photographer. I love to take pictures (mostly of my family & friends right now) and I hope to one day once my little ones are a bit older make it a part-time to full-time profession. I still have alot to learn in the photography department, but slowly I'm getting there. Now, if I could just get a different camera and better lenses I'd be all set.
8.) I withdrew from college. When I found out I was pregnant I was getting ready to start my second quarter, and I wasn't very far along in my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with *B* I was super sick, and figured that I would be the same way this time around and I didn't want my perfect 4.0 GPA to suffer due to my illness, so I withdrew. After the Lovebug is here I intend to enroll again for Fall '11 quarter, though, so I can continue on to getting my Bachelor's degree in Radiology.
9.) I'm beginning to think that the rain will never let up here. I thought about having an arc building party b/c of all the flooding but figured that would make everyone's moods even worse. In the month of April we've had 2-3in of rain everytime it's rained for 18 days of the 26 so far this month, and the forecast doesn't appear to be changing for at least the next 2wks either. I'm really missing the sun and hoping it'll return and soon, before we float away.
10.) *B* was evaluated for pre-school last week. I thought before his eval that he might of had ADHD as he showed alot of signs of it. After his evaluation I was (and still am) the happiest most amazed Mama EVER! The behavioralist that sat in on his eval said that he doesn't have ADHD instead he's bored. He was ranging in levels of knowledge at the age of a 6yr old... he's only 3!!! They said that he'll have to really be challenged when he goes to school, but currently the pre-school we were looking at isn't the right fit for him as he's already exceeded above and beyond what they would teach him this coming year there. So, now I have to re-think what we're going to do for him in the fall for social interaction. Regardless, I'm just so impressed with my little man that I'm speechless.

Now, to nominate 15 other blogger that I think would be deserving of this award. (How do you nominate just 15, when so many are deserving? ARGH!) Any way, here goes and please don't take offense if I haven't named you, b/c you're more than welcome to do this to and take the award from my blog and pass it on to other bloggers as everyone deserves recognition.

1.) babyinterrupted at baby, interrupted
2.) RELH at Plans Change
3.) wifey at Semi-Fertile
4.) Tara at Our Journey
5.) Jill at The Averitt Fam
6.) J at Her Womb, Our Hearts
7.) Rachel at Operation Rosebud
8.) Jenna at Among the Blossoms
9.) Angie at Infertility Revisited
10.) pithydithy at Pithydithy
11.) Steph at As Told by Steph
12.) Rachel at Chasing Mommyhood
13.) Shana at Gorillabuns
14.) Kellyanne at Diary of a Miracle formerly known as Finding Me After IF
15.) This spot is reserved for YOU, b/c as I said everyone deserves a little recognition and a nomination/award. So, feel free to post your blog URL in the comments, and everyone else please don't forget to check out the other nominees and their blogs. :)

I've Got A Secret!!!

If you know me you probably already know what the secret is or you're guessing right now trying to figure it out.

Guess no more!! I'll spill the beans for you. LOL!

Yesterday, we had to take *B* to Children's Hospital for all the ailments that he had been dealing with to see an ENT. The Dr. said that he has to have a sleep study done since I mentioned things that point to sleep apnea. I was told that he doesn't at this time need tubes in his ears, but he will more than likely need his tonsils and adnoids removed. They are very enlarged for his age. So, after the sleep study to make sure he won't need any other sleeping devices we will go for our follow-up to see if surgery is eminent.

Any way, while we in the big city we scheduled ourselves for an elective 3D/4D ultrasound to see if our little lovebug would cooperate so that we could find out if we were having a boy or a girl. This is what we found...

A thumb sucking, finger pointing (already), little DIVA!!!

IT'S A GIRL!!!