Updates, Updates, Updates... And AMAZING News!!

Hey Dreamers! It's been forever since I've actually posted. I really need to catch you all up on the happenings here in the land of Baby Dreams. Where to start? Hmmm....

Well, we'll start with how H*attie left. She lived here as you all know. We were trying to help her out, but you can only help someone as much as they wish to helped plus when they are ungrateful for every last ounce of help you give them it gets old really fast. Any way, in the last month that she was here which was clear back in Sept./Oct. she got herself a job. DH and I were really proud of her for doing so, but having an extra mouth to feed whom wasn't pulling her weight around here and was causing nothing but drama was taking it's toll on us. The beginning of Oct. rolled around and she got fired from her job after only being there for a month. We told her that she was going to have to take her last check and help out around here. She did, but come a week after the first she was staying with DH's older sister and causing problems between us and them. I had had enough of her crap, so finally I told her she could get out through text message that I didn't need the drama. Of course that started a whole other mess of problems with SIL & BIL being jerks like always. Needless to say, she's gone and out of our hair but in the process DH ended up wiping his hands of his sisters and wants nothing more to do with them.

With the drama that H*attie brought on and the issues that were already going on in my marriage with DH talking to and texting other girls prior to this, my marriage took a weird turn. We fought alot about the unfaithfulness, but our focus turned to fighting about H*attie and the crap that was being stirred up there. I tried hard to focus on fixing things, but there was a part of me that just wanted to throw in the towel and be done with it all. However, I stayed and I pushed on looking for sunshine in a broken relationship through the gray skies. Finally, toward the end of Oct. DH and I were in a better place, and we were able to communicate with one another again without yelling or in my case crying. Presently our relationship is the best that it has been in a long time. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.

Updates on me.... I just finished my first quarter of college towards my Associate's degree in Medical Administration. It was a long tough 11wks, but I'm proud to say I survive it. That is one of the reasons that I haven't been updating like I used to. I so very little time for myself that the last thing I want to do is spend it on the computer for a few moments more to update. I really need to though even if it's just a few lines here and there, b/c then I won't play catch up so much. I start back on Jan. 3rd, and while I'm looking forward to it... I'm dreading it a little too, b/c I know this coming quarter will be alot tougher than the last.

Let's see... updates on the Monster... he's getting so big and he's so rotten. Last weekend we went to the local mall so he could sit on Santa's lap when he was done he got interviewed by a staff member of a local newspaper so that he could tell them what he (Stinky the Garbage Truck), Mommy (watch the video), and Daddy (nothing, b/c that's what Daddy said) wanted for Christmas. They cut a bunch of the actual footage off, but here is what is left:

If you couldn't tell from the video what my Christmas wish is from what *B* said, here's a hint:

My LMP was the last one that I recorded on here which was 10/27/10. My EDD is 8/3/11. I'm a little over 8wks based on my LMP. My first ultrasound is later today. I'll post about how that goes in my next post, and about how I told DH which was really cute. But for now, I'm off to bed. G'nite ya'll and babydust or belly rubs all around.

Neglecting The Blog & Other Stuff

My dearest Baby Dreamers... I'm so sorry I have been neglecting my blog. I have so much to write about these days, but so little time to do it. Being a full-time college student, full-time Mommy, and full-time housewife plus having family issues, marital problems still, and being depressed ALOT of the time has left little time for me to write about the things I need to be here. But any way, I just wanted to drop a line and let all of you my faithful readers know that I'm still alive and kicking and one of these days I'll find time to catch you up on my crazy life.

In the meantime I'll leave you with this awesome picture of my handsome little man with my fall decor:

and the side note that yesterday was the start of a brand new AF. Maybe just maybe (knock on wood) I'm starting to cycle some what normally again since the m/c back in April. One can only hope. *sigh*

Welcome ICLW and Things Thus Far

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven (or hell depending on the day) in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog but still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighten yourself on that. (Got to love how I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

If you're here looking for things about the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof... you won't be finding them either except in previous entries that didn't last very long. I don't quit on anything usually, but this I did. Not b/c I didn't care or I don't love my DH, but b/c there has been a change of events that has brought a hell storm upon our love, our marriage, and our commitment to one another. I realized after he started stalking my blog, after I started hacking his email and FB account that I wasn't in the wrong for doing the Love Dare or writing about him... but I was in the wrong for not trusting him. (With good reason though I lost that trust.) I also realized that our marriage is more fragile that I thought and that we need more help than the steps of any Love Dare would of done for us at this point. So, all I can say is we're not good, but we're not horribly bad... we're in between and we're both of us trying to work on things.

As for my blog and going private... I'm not. I thought about it. DH and I talked about it. He knows it's my venting outlet about a whole slew of things. He knows that I receive support from so many of you out there in the blogosphere when I need it. So, b/c of that I'm staying open tot he public albeit with some exceptions, which those that follow me will be able to pick up on in the coming weeks as I write.

In other news... H*attie is still living here, and I'm pretty sure that that chapter is about to close. After a very tearful conversation between DH and I, he realized that she uses word play on little things and with those words drives deeper wedges between him and me. So, he's giving her an out date now that she has a job. I'm hoping this time he'll stand his ground on the matter.

... *B* is growing like a weed around here. He's so smart. I've been teaching him his colors and he knows them all, but has a hard time deciphering between black, brown, and gray. He knows his numbers 1-10 and the actual amount that each of those are. He knows his left from his right. He's in size 4T in all clothes, and a size 9 in shoes. He's in love with his mohawk. He's got a tender heart. And lastly he's such a big helper boy. I'm so lucky to be his Mommy, I couldn't of asked for a more wonderful and perfect son. God truly blessed me 3 1/2yrs ago.

And in closing... if you've made it this far I and you find me interesting and would like to stick around, feel free to follow my blog over there on the left... b/c if you follow me I'll follow you. All you have to do is let me know that you're a new follower of my blog by comment. I'm trying to get to 50 followers, and if I do I have a giveaway in store. So, please I encourage you to follow away. Happy ICLW!!

I'm Done

I was continuing the Love Dare up until yesterday when I got online and found that DH and this girl that lives at the end of our blog had been talking and texting each other. I had days 9 & 10 to write about, and I even wanted to muster up the love and energy in my heart to try to do yesterday's dare Day 11, but I couldn't. Then after talking to a good friend and posting about what had happened on my FB blog fan page I received this private message from DH:

"Hey i'm not doing anything with her just talking... and all she did was sent her phone number to my email. why should u save this marrage u didn't care about it 4 years ago... why now... and please don't be posting things that i do on the sites u go to... I've never cheated on u since we be married... i gave this marrage another shot...i bet none of them girls that u talk to know what u did to me...u always make it look like i did something wrong... when i didn't... u tryed to get rid of me once and if u want me gone i'll leave just tell me. I/m going to bed so maybe we'll talk or what ever..."

Apparently I don't write about how I cheated on him, even though I have just go back through my posts. Apparently he's never cheated on me while we've been married, (although cheating on me while we were dating and engaged is alright) and even though I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate. Apparently I want to get rid of him even though I've been doing this Love Dare to try to keep him and make things better. And ultimately I'm not allowed to write about him or us anymore anywhere, so.......... I'm not sure if I'll be writing anywhere anymore at all online except for school when it starts, and honestly at this point I don't even have my heart into that now. All I can do is ask you all to pray for me and us, b/c we need it. Thanks.

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.2)

I'm really hoping that with doing The Love Dare Challenge that I will be in a better place with my marriage. I once heard this saying, and it keeps ringing in my ears as things get worse and worse between DH and I, "Don't make someone your priority, when all you are is their option." I love my husband, I truely do. I want to chase eternity with him. I want our family, our home, and to have grown old with him so many years from now. I can only hope and pray that upone completion of this challenge things will be so much different. Love , trust, faith, hope, honesty, and more over devotion will have been restored back into our hearts and our marriage. So, without further ado, I said that I would post the second 20 days of the 40 day Love Dare, so here they are. I'm hoping that I have a few joiners or followers throughout this journey, please let me know?

• Day 21: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are 31-a full months supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with him. Isaiah 58:11 , Psalm 145:16
• Day 22: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return." Hosea 2:20, Psalm 119:30
• Day 23: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13:7, Job 22:23
• Day 24: End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed-today-and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love. 1 John 2:17, 1 Peter 2:16
• Day 25: Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "Fogive us our debt" each day, we must ask him to help us "Forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive." 2 Corinthians 2:10, Luke 23:34
• Day 26: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel. Romans 2:1, Galatians 6:4
• Day 27: Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has old you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love. Psalm 25:20, Hebrews 10:24
• Day 28: What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet that need. 1 John 3:16, Galatians 6:2
• Day 29: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you," then express your love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way he loves both of you. Ephesians 6:7, Joshua 24:15
• Day 30: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that he would do the same for them. And if appropriate discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity. John 17:11, Deuteronomy 6:4
• Day 31: Is there a 'leaving' issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent on it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship. Genesis 2:24, John 17:21
• Day 32: If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your spouse today. Do this in a what that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy. 1 Corinthians 7:3, Song of Solomon 7:6
  
  *On a side note this day's dare is only for married couples*
• Day 33: Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you. Ecclesiastes 4:11, Colossians 3:14
• Day 34: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today. 1 Corinthians 13:6, Psalm 101:2
• Day 35: Find a marriage mentor-someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment. During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment. Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 11:14
• Day 36: Commit to reading the Bible every day. Find a Devotional or other resource that will give you some guidance. If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock. Psalm 119:105, Romans 15:4
• Day 37: Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Talk about the best time to do this, whether it's in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime. Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord. Don't forget to thank Him for his provision and blessing. Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself. Matthew 18:19, Psalm 88:13
• Day 38: Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can. Psalm 37:4, 2 Corinthians 9:8
• Day 39: Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place your spouse will find it. 1 Corinthians 13:8, Micah 7:18
• Day 40: Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your marriage vows before a minister and with family present. Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God's eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate. Ruth 1:16, Psalm 105:8

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.1)

It's no secret that my marriage has been on a downward spiral for a few years now. More like a rollercoaster ride actually, b/c it has it's ups and downs. More quick fast plummeting downs than long lasting ups though, as sadly as that is.

Any way, before H*attie came back to live with us things were rough, but I could see a change for the better in DH's and my relationship. Now, with her here things are back to slump and the constant fights. Too many nights I find me crying myself to sleep or days I just cry in general. My depression is at an all time high and I hate it. DH and I bicker and fight, and usually the root of the problem stems from something to do with H*attie and her constant drama and chaos.

I've done alot of wrongs in my marriage, but so has my DH. I'm not pointing fingers though. I'm ready to make my marriage work.... put up or give up. That's how I'm looking at it. So, I finally watched

Those of you that have watched it probably know what I'm talking about when I say "The Love Dare." If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm getting to that. Any way, this was an excellent movie, and I totally recommend watching it if you haven't. I've decided since watching this movie researching about the love dare challenge, that I'm going to do it. I'm going to document each day here in my blog how it goes, and see how I feel about my marriage after the challenge is complete. I'm hoping that it helps and it renews things and puts a breath of fresh air into our relationship. For those of you that would like to do the love dare challenge with me, I'm going to start it this Sunday!! For those that have done this already, I'd like to know how it changed your marriage good or bad? Any imput is appreciated, please and thanks.

Here is a day to day list of the dares in advance for those that would like to participate, and if you would like to participate let me know so that I can read how things go with you.

• Day 1: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, I Thessalonians 5:15, James 1:19
• Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26, Proverbs 19:22
• Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16
• Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3
• Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irratted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12
• Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16
• Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8
• Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15
• Day 9: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them. I Peter 5:14, Luke 15:20, Philemon 7
• Day 10: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the Laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage. Romans 5:8, I John 4:10, I John 4:19, I Cornithians 13:7, Romans 8:38-39, Psalm 32:10
• Day 11: What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with as smile. Ephesians 5:28, Mark 10:51
• Day 12: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first. Philippians 2:4, Romans 12:18
• Day 13: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs. Mark 3:25, Romans 12:16
• Day 14: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together. Ecclesiastes 9:9, Proverbs 23:26
• Day 15: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting away his clothes for him. It may be in the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes. 1 Peter 3:7, Jeremiah 30:1
• Day 16: Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for 3 specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage. 3 John 2, John 9:31
• Day 17: Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe. Proverbs 17:9, Song of Solomon 6:3
• Day 18: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your spouse. Proverbs 3:13, Proverbs 4:7
• Day 19: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have your realized your need for God to change your hear and to give you the ability to love? As him to show you where you stand with him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination. 1 John 4:7, Matthew 19:26
• Day 20: Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for Salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus I'm a sinner. But you have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your Power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace." Romans 5:6, Isaiah 63:9

Ok, so I fibbed... here is the first 20 days. I'll post the last 20 days before the weekend, but for now I must go to bed it's 1am.... LOL!

Rants, Decisions, and Life

**YOU ARE FOREWARNED THAT THERE IS PROFANITY AND VULGARITY IN THIS POST!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!**

It seems like ions since I put fingers to keys and really pounded out a decent blog entry. Give me the bad blogger award or whatever, but with the lack of computer time I get on my own computer since H*attie has moved in and started ruling the roost that is why. However, I am on FB, and I do update there almost everyday and right over there on the right hand side is my e-mail address... feel free to add me if you're on FB. Make sure you include a message with your request that you're from Baby Dreams.

Any way, a month ago today in all her laziness H*attie came back to dwell in our home and literally hold our couch down. If you know the history you know my dislike on this event, especially given that the next day was my son's 3rd birthday bash. If you don't know the history, I'll shorten and sweeten bitterly truthfully give it to you. When she was 14yrs old my MIL passed away (FIL passed the year prior). My older SIL was supposed to take custody of her in this event, but seeing as she had just popped out her 3rd child she had changed her mind. H*attie was left a ward of the state. My loving kind-hearted DH decided we should petition the courts at a mild age of 19yrs for custody of her. It was granted. Fast forward to her turning 18yrs old and thinking that just b/c she was now a legal adult in the state of Ohio she could do as and disrespect us as she pleased. I cheated on my DH, b/c we were in a very bad place in our marriage do to her always running interference and infertility. She found out, she told him. (No, I'm not proud.) Shortly after DH's finding out, I found out I was pregnant with *B*. Things were in chaos and rumors were flying but I knew the truth, and that DH was/is *B*'s father. Then H*attie stole from a store while I was maternity clothes shopping. I kept her out of jail, she returned the favor by punching me in the belly and telling me she hoped my baby died as I didn't deserve a baby by her brother any how. That night she was out of our home, never supposed to return... guess I was mistaken, huh?

Short story on that was, she left J*ordan and *H* to be with another man. Mind you she left *H* alone in the house in a playpen at 15mths old with a note stating: "Being a mother is too much. I have no freedom. I want my life back." (Whole other rant and post... stupid ignorant bitch.) New guy's name was M*att. While with him, she couldn't stop her cheating ways, and he found out. I invited her to *B*'s party, and he decided to bring her here with all her belongings, chaos, and drama.... and drop her off.

Now that she's here she has supervised court ordered visits with *H* with DH, older SIL, or me. She's supposed to be getting a job. (Still haven't seen the likes of that, and even though she has no high school diploma or GED... fast food is below her, or so she thinks. ARGH!) We've been feeding her without any assistance, not that we need it... but we were living comfortably and able to go out and do things, now we're not. She smokes, so does DH (I would like for him to quit but I choose my battles wisely) and he used to go through a carton every 2wks, now it's every 5 days which we can't afford!! The whore is out all night until the wee hours of the morning, and in a month has been with 7 different guys. She's even been talking about getting pregnant again, which I'm afraid if she does I may kill her. Plus, the lazy bitch wants to sleep all day even when I yell and argue with her to get up. She doesn't help do any household chores around here, and she's so lazy I've had to tell her twice she stunk and to take a bath. It's ridiculous. All DH and I have done since she's been here is fight. She's been talking shit about me, and the cheating incident that happened 4yrs ago. She's even told DH to paternity test *B*, and she would pay for it. I've came thisclose to thumping her so many times since she's been here I can't count them on both hands. On top of all this she calls J*ordan not daily like she should to check on *H* occasionally when she's craving drama, and starts arguments with him on the phone.

The sad part of all this is, DH and I weren't in the best of places when she came here. Her coming to live with us was unexpected. DH and I haven't been right since my m/c in April, and her being here has only drove a wedge deeper into our already frail relationship. Even worse part is.... she knows this. She does things purposely to make me or *B* cry and when I go to DH about it, b/c still to this day have to walk on egg shells around her; he shrugs it off like it's no big deal it's just what she does ignore it. When she was a child I was raising it was so much easier... now she's a parent herself (or at least she's supposed to be) I can't ignore her ignorance, b/c it's not bliss. But, I can honestly see us in divorce court if things keep on the way that they are, and b/c my DH has this huge kind loving heart of gold... he's not putting her out regardless of what she does wrong. I'll have to do it and risk the backlash that comes with it when him and I fight b/c she'll be homeless due to burning every tie and bind she's ever had.

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Any way, in other un-H*attie involved news... *B*'s not going to preschool after all this year. I wanted him to go, and way back in the spring DH wanted him to, too. But, as DH has let buddies of his work out of our garage that have foul mouths, and DH has one around them too... you guessed it. *B* has a potty mouth as well. Since we have to pay for pre-school in our area, I refuse to let him go, and pay for it when he uses curse words in perfect sentence form and laughs about it. He'll for sure get kicked out of pre-school in the first week or day. I don't want that for him. So, I've decided since he's only 3, that I'll teach him the basics that he doesn't know already this year so he'll have an advantage next year.... and work on not using profanity. Oh and I need discipline tips on this, to btw??? I threaten with soap, but would never do that. I've been taking toys away and doing time out, but it's to no avail. Far from what I got back in the day (smacks to the mouth, hot sauce, and dish soap) I have not a clue what to do. Advice?

In other news, I think I'm finally at peace with my m/c. I'm ready to start TTC again, but my body is not. I've gained almost 20lbs since my m/c, and I need to shed that and then some. Right now I lack energy as my thyroid levels are out of whack again, and my family Dr. is adjusting them. Also, with the live-in we can't afford treatments and meds, let alone a baby. It breaks my heart that she is coming first yet again to our TTC wants and needs. I wish I already had meds from before so that I didn't have to buy them. I know that any RE is going to look at Foll*istim or Gon*alF as a full course line of treatment, and that is out of our price range. I wish that Ohio state law mandated something more than just HMO's offering infertility coverage to employees and PPO's doing diagnostic testing. I mean that is a blessing, but I'm so beyond that. For me and everyone like me in this state once we've found the results out of our testing and know what is causing our infertility dilemmas, we don't have insurance coverage to help us from there. We better hope we have a chicken laying golden eggs or a money tree in our back yards, if we're just middle class citizens like myself.... b/c our savings is shot from previous treatments and our 401Ks are already being repaid to us not to have a loan taken from again from being tapped out for the same reason. Why do treatments have to cost so much? *sigh*

Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get in for a D&C or another lap. I've had one AF since the bleeding from my m/c. I have horrible cramps all the time, but nothing changes on OPKs. All BFNs in sight. When DH and I have sex it hurts. It's never hurt before. There are times that I have to make him stop, and I end up in tears. I've been putting it off for weeks now, but I need to make the call. I'm just scared of what the OB/GYN will find/do. I just know I can't keep going like this.... it's killing our sex life and adding to that wedge.

If you've made it this far, thank you! I had alot I needed to get off my chest and update you on. Hopefully I'll get more computer time, but I guess we'll see. Wish I could password it, but that would just be a fight with DH that I don't want. *sigh* Wish me luck.... I'm hoping my head doesn't spin off into oblivion.

Drama, Drama, DRAMA

I swear all my life consists of is Drama any more. I most certainly do not go looking for it as I have enough problems in my own home, it just always comes to me. Here's a quick recap of the last few months so you're up-to-date on what I'm talking about. A few months ago H*attie and I stopped talking after a huge fight on the computer about her parenting skills that ended in her calling me horrendous names. Neither DH nor I talked to her again from mid-February until Easter weekend when she called crying to tell us that J*ordan and her were on the outs. Of course my DH the respecting brother and father-like figure that he has been to that disrespectful girl offered our home to her and *H* (our nephew) to come stay. However we were sick during Eater and the following week, so we were unable to move her down here... so by the following weekend when we were feeling better things with H*attie and J*ordan were "fine". Although a couple days later H*attie leaves J*ordan AND *H* to go be with this other guy she had been cheating on J*ordan with. We didn't talk to H*attie again, but we did keep in contact with J*ordan about *H*. Fast forward to this past week...

We get a phone call from H*attie telling us that her and J*ordan have went back to court about visitations for her with *H*, and the judge ruled it had to be supervised. Bet you can't guess who with? Oh you guessed it? Well, you're right... us! ARGH! The stipulations of the visitations were ridiculous though, and doable for her and J*ordan as they live 20min or so from each other, but we live an hour drive away from them. The terms were every other weekend starting this past weekend for 2hrs, then 4hrs, then 6hrs or each of the following weekends on Saturdays, to be picked up and dropped off and J*ordan's local police dept., and to be in a public place all with us. I talked to J*ordan about how this would not work, and how I would love for H*attie to be able to see *H*, but there was no way possible for us to accommodate the judges request in this especially when we weren't even consulted first. He told me he didn't know what to tell me or H*attie, as she just sat there and never opened her mouth about it, but said she'd like it to be us. He said he wasn't doing her any favors. I can't much blame him, but at the same time by not doing her favors her and us are being screwed. Fast forward to this past weekend...

J*ordan decided to swallow his ego a bit and compromise on some things. He had to come to our house any way, as he bought our old living room suit off of us. So, when I told H*attie this, I also asked her if she would be able to come here to see *H*. J*ordan agreed, H*attie agreed, thus *H* was here. (He's gotten so big and independent at 18mths old, but that's off topic... LOL!) J*ordan once he was here decided H*attie could keep *H* over night as long as she and her boyfriend stayed here with him. So, instead of 2hrs she got him 24hrs. OMG... she is horrible at parenting. If I were in her position I would want to spend every second with my son. Not her, every time I had to leave for something, she left with me and left *H* in M*att's (her boyfriend) care. During that care time M*att didn't watch *H* and he got into my cat's food and water bowls spilling them. Matt left *H* in the soaking wet clothes until we got there, and H*attie kept him in them even after we got home and found out about it. I would say in the amount of time that *H* was here, he ate maybe 5TBS of food and drank a milk bottle. When I tried to feed him he threw a fit, and H*attie told me to leave him alone... so I did. She left him in a poopy diaper for I don't even know how long as he got here at 11am, and the first diaper change she did on him b/c I told her his diaper was about to fall off was at 4:30pm (the poop was drying to his butt). When it was bath and bedtime she didn't even give him his bath... I did. She and her boyfriend both got drunk after *H* went to bed. And, the worst thing they left here at 10am on Sunday to take *H* back to J*ordan... She NEVER fed him breakfast or anything.

Now, we are left to fill out these report papers for the judge and mail them to the court house on her parenting abilities supervised to see if when they go back to court she can get them unsupervised. DH is leaving me in charge of this, as I always do all the paperwork things. However, he asked me what I was going to write and said he thought that she did a good job this weekend. I told him exactly what I've written here. He flipped out, and I told him that it needed to be told to the judge in the best interest of *H*. DH and I are now fighting even more. Every time one of his sisters comes around that is all we do. Especially if it's H*attie. I never wanted to be any part of H*attie and J*ordan's split, nor did I want involved in this custody dispute after the first time this crap happened. Now, they've put even more strain on a marriage already at it's breaking point. I don't know what to do... I don't want my marriage to fall apart over me telling the truth, but at the same time I don't want to lie so that she gets unsupervised visits as I worry about *H*'s well being in her care alone with him. I'm so torn, and this Drama has me an emotional train wreck.

My Marriage

I hate even writing this, b/c it's when you admit something is wrong publicly afterwards it either seems like not such a big deal or the problem escalates. I'm hoping it's the first and not the latter... but we shall see.

Any way, I think that my marriage is slowing slipping into a huge sink hole in the vain of it's existence. Actually it's been happening for quite sometime perhaps, but recently with the m/c things seem to be getting worse. I know that men deal with grief differently than women, but my DH's way of dealing with things is to not acknowledge them at all. So, for the past (almost) month while I've been mourning the loss of our last pregnancy, he's been acting like it never happened. We don't talk, we bicker and argue instead. I long for him to just wrap me in his arms, and hold me while I physically and emotionally break down... hasn't happened yet and probably never will; instead *B* wipes my tears away, says "Mommy no be sad, no more tears, it'll be alright," or I conceal my misery by crying myself to sleep in bed alone or in the shower so I can try to be strong for our son.

Before the m/c things were rocky. Maybe it was the end of that 7yr itch in marriage that people talk about, since we just celebrated our 8yr wedding anniversary on Monday (5/17... which he almost completely forgot about and would have had he not gotten in his lunchbox at 11:25pm and saw the card with replacement wedding band b/c the original got mangled at work (that he's still not wearing, btw) to remind him). However, I don't think that that is the case. Any more we could be in the same room, but we might as well be a million miles apart. We don't talk, laugh, cry, or even love one another like we used to... any more we just co-exist. I'm hoping that my hormones are playing into my thinking on things lately and over exaggerating how I'm feeling, but that is all I've had time to do. I think about my relationships with others (especially my marriage), and I cry. Alot.

Some where in the back of my mind (actually it's been moving closer to the front of my mind or I wouldn't be writing this) I keep thinking that our marriage is ever so slowly coming to an end. I know every relationship has it's roller coaster ride, but ours has been going down the deepest of inclines for at least 4yrs now. Sure we have our good times, but it's been alot of bad times in 4yrs... hell in 8yrs (10yrs if you count the entire time we've been together). Sadly but true. I hate airing out our dirty laundry, so let's just say we've done our fair share of wrongs to each other (including infidelity, lying, addictions, etc.) since we've been together, and we've been through alot more than most couples... for that we're stronger yet deeply tarnished. So deeply tarnished that we're at that point of no return in our marriage, I'm afraid. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that a relationship and each person in it can only take so much... I think ours has endured more than we ever anticipated or bargained for... we're at our breaking point. Such is the giant sink hole.

So, while I'm being completely vulnerable and honest here there are so many things in the last month that I've noticed that make me think he's ready to call it what it is, and move on already (or maybe he already has, I'm not sure). I don't really know if I wasn't paying attention to all the signs before the m/c, but looking back I know they were there I just wasn't as tuned into them as I am now. Plus, now that I have time to sit and dwell on everything I notice them more. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out and asked him if he was being unfaithful to me even... his response was bluntly "Yes," but I don't know if I can believe or trust that especially with the attitude he gave me for the few days following reading the letter.

Let's face it; I know we have problems... I know I love my husband very deeply and more so today than ever before. I know I want to continue chasing eternity with him, but I'm tired of putting in 100% all the time and not even getting but 10% in return at times. We can't live like this. I want our marriage to work for us and our family of three. I want him to go to marriage counseling with me to make it work, but when we tried it before I ended up going alone until I had to quit going, b/c the therapist couldn't help us unless we both were participating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I truly now know what the expression "You love someone so much it hurts," means, b/c that's how my love for DH is anymore... of the sad, bitter, hurting variety. And, honestly it sucks... I want what we once had back again.