My Marriage

I hate even writing this, b/c it's when you admit something is wrong publicly afterwards it either seems like not such a big deal or the problem escalates. I'm hoping it's the first and not the latter... but we shall see.

Any way, I think that my marriage is slowing slipping into a huge sink hole in the vain of it's existence. Actually it's been happening for quite sometime perhaps, but recently with the m/c things seem to be getting worse. I know that men deal with grief differently than women, but my DH's way of dealing with things is to not acknowledge them at all. So, for the past (almost) month while I've been mourning the loss of our last pregnancy, he's been acting like it never happened. We don't talk, we bicker and argue instead. I long for him to just wrap me in his arms, and hold me while I physically and emotionally break down... hasn't happened yet and probably never will; instead *B* wipes my tears away, says "Mommy no be sad, no more tears, it'll be alright," or I conceal my misery by crying myself to sleep in bed alone or in the shower so I can try to be strong for our son.

Before the m/c things were rocky. Maybe it was the end of that 7yr itch in marriage that people talk about, since we just celebrated our 8yr wedding anniversary on Monday (5/17... which he almost completely forgot about and would have had he not gotten in his lunchbox at 11:25pm and saw the card with replacement wedding band b/c the original got mangled at work (that he's still not wearing, btw) to remind him). However, I don't think that that is the case. Any more we could be in the same room, but we might as well be a million miles apart. We don't talk, laugh, cry, or even love one another like we used to... any more we just co-exist. I'm hoping that my hormones are playing into my thinking on things lately and over exaggerating how I'm feeling, but that is all I've had time to do. I think about my relationships with others (especially my marriage), and I cry. Alot.

Some where in the back of my mind (actually it's been moving closer to the front of my mind or I wouldn't be writing this) I keep thinking that our marriage is ever so slowly coming to an end. I know every relationship has it's roller coaster ride, but ours has been going down the deepest of inclines for at least 4yrs now. Sure we have our good times, but it's been alot of bad times in 4yrs... hell in 8yrs (10yrs if you count the entire time we've been together). Sadly but true. I hate airing out our dirty laundry, so let's just say we've done our fair share of wrongs to each other (including infidelity, lying, addictions, etc.) since we've been together, and we've been through alot more than most couples... for that we're stronger yet deeply tarnished. So deeply tarnished that we're at that point of no return in our marriage, I'm afraid. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that a relationship and each person in it can only take so much... I think ours has endured more than we ever anticipated or bargained for... we're at our breaking point. Such is the giant sink hole.

So, while I'm being completely vulnerable and honest here there are so many things in the last month that I've noticed that make me think he's ready to call it what it is, and move on already (or maybe he already has, I'm not sure). I don't really know if I wasn't paying attention to all the signs before the m/c, but looking back I know they were there I just wasn't as tuned into them as I am now. Plus, now that I have time to sit and dwell on everything I notice them more. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out and asked him if he was being unfaithful to me even... his response was bluntly "Yes," but I don't know if I can believe or trust that especially with the attitude he gave me for the few days following reading the letter.

Let's face it; I know we have problems... I know I love my husband very deeply and more so today than ever before. I know I want to continue chasing eternity with him, but I'm tired of putting in 100% all the time and not even getting but 10% in return at times. We can't live like this. I want our marriage to work for us and our family of three. I want him to go to marriage counseling with me to make it work, but when we tried it before I ended up going alone until I had to quit going, b/c the therapist couldn't help us unless we both were participating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I truly now know what the expression "You love someone so much it hurts," means, b/c that's how my love for DH is anymore... of the sad, bitter, hurting variety. And, honestly it sucks... I want what we once had back again.

Not Me! Monday

Hey ya'll it's that time of week again. Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week, and please join in the fun. Happy Not Me-ing!

Over the weekend DH and I reached our 10yr being together anniversary (not marriage, that's in May). So, in true Catrisha fashion being that it was our anniversary I definitely did not do it up big. I did not pull out all the stops with Kleenex, cough drops, cold meds, and a heating pad b/c I was too sick with a head cold to do the normal. Nope. Not me.

I also did not decide that taking my child to Wal*greens for Easter pics with the Easter bunny was a good idea while sick, after reading the adpaper. I mean I needed more Kleenex and nasal spray any how, so why not. I did not get my child all pumped up to sit on that rabbit's lap only to get there and find out that s/he was also sick, and lost there kibble in front of other children at 11am that morning. At this point *B* did not proceed to have a meltdown thinking that that rabbit will now be too sick to bring him a basket next weekend and hide the eggs he's eager to color. So, I did not throw a huge fit with the sales clerk telling her that someone in that store needed to dress up as a damned rabbit to calm my child down. Nobody could, however he still got very cute Easter pics taken in a awesome packet deal for only $9.99, due to our tantrums. To which I did not refuse to pay for b/c he was off center and had red eye, b/c the actual photographer went home with the good camera and they used a crappy in store one. Nope. Not me! I'm not that rude, mean or moody... except for when AF is here, I'm sick, and you've made my child cry b/c you're sorta taking away from the whole Easter bunny gimmick for him and he doesn't understand.

PS: I ended up paying $4.99 for the pics, but still I could of taken a better one myself with my own camera and made up thrown together background. I'll post the pic soon when I get it scanned and uploaded.

Looking Up

Thing are a changing here in the land of Baby Dreams. I wish I could say a change on the BFP side of things, but not so much. However, as soon as AF makes her damned arrival DH and I have came to a decision on Clomid. We'll be starting it. I have the script already filled and conveniently waiting in the box that will meet the new resting place in the medicine cabinet very soon. I;m super excited about this, but I have my doubts on if this will work. I mean I went through this before and ended up on injectibles with a chemical pregnancy in the end. I waited for me HcG count to return to normal and BOOM! BFP with my darling *B*. Nervous...yes, excited...bigger yes, having faith in the meds....not so much.

So, on May 17th DH and I celebrated 7yrs of marital bliss. It was nice. We didn't do anything special, and actually started out the day squabbling over who's turn it was to sleep in and who was getting up with *B* (I won..HA!). We ended the day with a nice dinner at my favorite Country Kitchen diner. They have fantastic homemade food there, and I would rather prefer it to any franchise restaurant. All in all it turned out to be a good day, and I spent it with the man that I gave my heart, mind, body, and soul too 7yrs ago that very day. I love you babe!

In other news....WE'RE MOVING!!! I haven't spilled the beans anywhere but here, so if you stalk me elsewhere please don't mention it there. The only reason I ask this is b/c real life and here don't mix, and this is my sanctuary. Plus, only a few select people from my IRL friends know right now (and one of those is my land-lady's daughter who doesn't know). We haven't told them we're moving yet. We've been here for almost 6yrs, and truthfully since H*attie moved out they've become slum-lords. We're not bond by any type of contract, and we do intend to tell them just not until we're almost completely moved. I know that sounds horrible on my part, and honestly I'm not that type of a person....it's just they've made renting from them miserable for a few years now. So, it's like a payback of sorts I suppose.

Any way, I love the new place. It's only about 10min from here, and it's HUGE! I'm super excited and it's like a fresh start of sorts for us. So, if you don't see a post from me for awhile it's b/c of moving which we're going to try to complete this holiday weekend, and b/c I'll be without internet until after June 2nd. (Not looking forward to that part but it'll be alright...LOL.) Alright back to packing. Wish me luck!!