My Marriage

I hate even writing this, b/c it's when you admit something is wrong publicly afterwards it either seems like not such a big deal or the problem escalates. I'm hoping it's the first and not the latter... but we shall see.

Any way, I think that my marriage is slowing slipping into a huge sink hole in the vain of it's existence. Actually it's been happening for quite sometime perhaps, but recently with the m/c things seem to be getting worse. I know that men deal with grief differently than women, but my DH's way of dealing with things is to not acknowledge them at all. So, for the past (almost) month while I've been mourning the loss of our last pregnancy, he's been acting like it never happened. We don't talk, we bicker and argue instead. I long for him to just wrap me in his arms, and hold me while I physically and emotionally break down... hasn't happened yet and probably never will; instead *B* wipes my tears away, says "Mommy no be sad, no more tears, it'll be alright," or I conceal my misery by crying myself to sleep in bed alone or in the shower so I can try to be strong for our son.

Before the m/c things were rocky. Maybe it was the end of that 7yr itch in marriage that people talk about, since we just celebrated our 8yr wedding anniversary on Monday (5/17... which he almost completely forgot about and would have had he not gotten in his lunchbox at 11:25pm and saw the card with replacement wedding band b/c the original got mangled at work (that he's still not wearing, btw) to remind him). However, I don't think that that is the case. Any more we could be in the same room, but we might as well be a million miles apart. We don't talk, laugh, cry, or even love one another like we used to... any more we just co-exist. I'm hoping that my hormones are playing into my thinking on things lately and over exaggerating how I'm feeling, but that is all I've had time to do. I think about my relationships with others (especially my marriage), and I cry. Alot.

Some where in the back of my mind (actually it's been moving closer to the front of my mind or I wouldn't be writing this) I keep thinking that our marriage is ever so slowly coming to an end. I know every relationship has it's roller coaster ride, but ours has been going down the deepest of inclines for at least 4yrs now. Sure we have our good times, but it's been alot of bad times in 4yrs... hell in 8yrs (10yrs if you count the entire time we've been together). Sadly but true. I hate airing out our dirty laundry, so let's just say we've done our fair share of wrongs to each other (including infidelity, lying, addictions, etc.) since we've been together, and we've been through alot more than most couples... for that we're stronger yet deeply tarnished. So deeply tarnished that we're at that point of no return in our marriage, I'm afraid. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that a relationship and each person in it can only take so much... I think ours has endured more than we ever anticipated or bargained for... we're at our breaking point. Such is the giant sink hole.

So, while I'm being completely vulnerable and honest here there are so many things in the last month that I've noticed that make me think he's ready to call it what it is, and move on already (or maybe he already has, I'm not sure). I don't really know if I wasn't paying attention to all the signs before the m/c, but looking back I know they were there I just wasn't as tuned into them as I am now. Plus, now that I have time to sit and dwell on everything I notice them more. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out and asked him if he was being unfaithful to me even... his response was bluntly "Yes," but I don't know if I can believe or trust that especially with the attitude he gave me for the few days following reading the letter.

Let's face it; I know we have problems... I know I love my husband very deeply and more so today than ever before. I know I want to continue chasing eternity with him, but I'm tired of putting in 100% all the time and not even getting but 10% in return at times. We can't live like this. I want our marriage to work for us and our family of three. I want him to go to marriage counseling with me to make it work, but when we tried it before I ended up going alone until I had to quit going, b/c the therapist couldn't help us unless we both were participating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I truly now know what the expression "You love someone so much it hurts," means, b/c that's how my love for DH is anymore... of the sad, bitter, hurting variety. And, honestly it sucks... I want what we once had back again.