Fears, Complications, & Meltdowns

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch of this pregnancy. It's a surreal feeling being 36w2d along. Lately there has been quite a bit of stuff going on. So, I'll start with how I titled this post.

Fears: I keep thinking about if I'll be able to handle being a mother of 2. I'm great as a mother of *B*, but I don't want him to feel left out when the Little Miss arrives. That is one of my biggest fears is if I'll be able to manage my time accordingly when I already know I'll be a single mom throughout the day and babies take up a huge amount of anyone's time. I worry that *B* will feel left out. I worry that even though the Little Miss has flipped and is now currently head down that I'll still end up having to have a c-section. I'm scared that my hormonal pregnancy attitude I've been sporting that has alienated most all people in my life is starting to sneak into my marriage. I know that DH loves me and I love him, but somedays I feel as though our marriage is hanging by a thread b/c I'm so bitchy. I'm scared that I'll have PPD again and I won't be able to function and I'll be left at home with 2 kids sitting on the couch or in the chair bawling and in shambles while my DH works hard to support us. Maybe it's just me, but I'm hoping that these are all normal late pregnancy fears, and that everything will be alright.

Complications: Apparently I am sporting the pregnancy complications of pre-e again. This past Thursday I was admitted into L&D for high BP (190s/90s) and protien in my urine. Once I got there and got all settled with meds my BP started to come down, but I'm still not out of the woods. My 24hr urine protien came back at 185, which was lower than my original baseline urine of 191.2. I have to have twice a week NSTs now and I'm on strict bedrest until this Saturday when I'll be 37wks and my OB says whatever happens happens and he'll let her come into this world if need be. Can I just say how hard it was to be away from DH & *B* for 24hrs. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to do it once the Little Miss actually does arrive in the world. I just hope that I don't keep having high BPs as they make me so sick and so very moody. Guess time will only tell.

Meltdowns: Yep, that should be my middle name these days. Everytime I turn around I'm snapping at this person or that person. I have a strong patience for everyone and everything usually but I just can not handle being pregnant anymore and all the non-caring, stupidity stricken, nagging, and annoying people that surround me. I know I'm almost at the end of this pregnancy and these hormones will go away but in the meantime I'm killing off relationships I have with others one by one. In the moment it feels good b/c then I know I won't have to deal with the preson anymore the rest of this pregnancy, but after thought and it's all said and done I realize I'll probably kill off the relationship permanently not just until I'm no longer pregnant and that greatly saddens me. In the meantime I'm just trying to steer clear of everyone unless they come and ask me what is going on so that I don't lose another friendship or family member.

So, with all that being said... HURRY UP 38WKS AND GET HERE ALREADY!! I'm miserable & I'm over ready to be done.

WARNING: SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!

MELTDOWN IN 3.... 2.... 1.... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(So, that you're aware before you proceed through this entry there is some vulgarity, alot of whining, bitching, and complaining. You are forewarned.)

The past two weeks have been weeks from hell, to put it mildly. It started with going to my new OB for my first appt. That wasn't that bad. But, I had to have the 1hr GTT done, that all women get done while at this point in their pregnancy. I failed that with flying colors, of course. So, I had the 3hr GTT done. Failed that too with flying colors. So, I had to see a diabetic dietitian and a diabetic counseling nurse. All that was fine too. What wasn't fine was that even given my new diet plan, and following it to the "T" I was having high sugars and severe lows. So, I had to call my OB to let him know what was going on. He then increased my oral insulin (Gly*buride) and referred me to a high risk specialist that deals with nothing but pregnant women that have gestational diabetes. The problem with this is it is an hour and forty-five minute drive away from where I live. Shit!

Seriously having GD has been a huge pain in my ass, and I've only been dealing with it for a week and a half. I hate having headaches from bouncing sugars. I hate having to watch my diet and my total carb count. I hate feeling shakey when my sugar drops to rapidly. I hate pricking my fingers 7 times a day. I hate that I have sore fingertips that even hurt to type let alone do anything else with. I hate that I have to sit by watching my family eat things I love, while I can't do it. I hate that this has honestly been the one complication that I've had so far, when I was really looking forward to an uneventful pregnancy this go round since my pregnancy with *B* was so complicated & intense. I hate that I feel like I can no longer enjoy this pregnancy, and that I feel like I'm counting down the days until it'll be over just so that I don't have to deal with this shit anymore.

If you've ever had GD, and have never dealt with sugar issues before I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It is like torture for a pregnant person. You want to eat when you want to eat, and you want to eat what you want to eat whenever. I constantly feel like I'm starving b/c I'm only allowed to eat every 3hrs, and the the options I have to eat feel limiting to me and most certainly do not fill me up. Oh and then there is the drinking water and only water thing. I love water don't get me wrong. It's my go to drink. However, I like to drink a sweet tea or a can of soda every once in awhile. If you drink one 12oz drink of either that is already one 30g total carb meal or snack and you haven't even ate anything with it. ARGH! Oh and it's summer and two of my favorite things to eat (ice cream & popscicles) are HUGE no-no's.

I know I need to be looking to the brighter side of things and seeing that this is such a small price to pay to ensure optimal health for my in-utero daughter who needs me, but damn it's sooooo hard for me. I'm doing better on my higher dosage sugar med, but it still feels like I'm depriving myself of things. I just have to keep telling myself there is only 11wks or less until she makes her presence in the world, and I can do it. I have to do it, for her health and my own.

Oh and as if dealing with having GD isn't bad enough *B* had his adnoid & tonsilectomy done a week ago today. He didn't have to have tubes put in his ears thank goodness. He was a champ at eating directly after the surgery with 2 popscicles, a chocolate chip cookie, chicken & stars soup with crackers, orange sherbet ice cream, about 5 bites of a sub I was eating for lunch, and some gold* fish crackers. His appetite is much different now though. I'm lucky to get him to eat one thing a day and drink 12oz or so of fluid. He's healing fine, but his whining from pain has me at my breaking point too. I know that he can't change how he feels thus he can't change his reactions to how he feels, but it's very exhausting for me. DH helps as much as he can when he's not working, but most times I feel like he makes him cry when he's home. I know he doesn't mean to and he's just parenting *B* how he should be parented when he's not sore, it's just that it's hard on me seeing him crying. I tend to give him whatever he wants when DH isn't here just so that I don't have to listen to the constant whimpering and whining that has become and everyday thing now for a week.

Go ahead pass me the Bad Mother Award, I don't give a shit. I'm dealing with enough as it is, what's one more thing to deal with or be criticized on. I can't wait until he's back to 100%... it most certainly can not come fast enough. I think this Mama needs a vacation... PRONTO!

*sigh*

Rants, Decisions, and Life

**YOU ARE FOREWARNED THAT THERE IS PROFANITY AND VULGARITY IN THIS POST!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!**

It seems like ions since I put fingers to keys and really pounded out a decent blog entry. Give me the bad blogger award or whatever, but with the lack of computer time I get on my own computer since H*attie has moved in and started ruling the roost that is why. However, I am on FB, and I do update there almost everyday and right over there on the right hand side is my e-mail address... feel free to add me if you're on FB. Make sure you include a message with your request that you're from Baby Dreams.

Any way, a month ago today in all her laziness H*attie came back to dwell in our home and literally hold our couch down. If you know the history you know my dislike on this event, especially given that the next day was my son's 3rd birthday bash. If you don't know the history, I'll shorten and sweeten bitterly truthfully give it to you. When she was 14yrs old my MIL passed away (FIL passed the year prior). My older SIL was supposed to take custody of her in this event, but seeing as she had just popped out her 3rd child she had changed her mind. H*attie was left a ward of the state. My loving kind-hearted DH decided we should petition the courts at a mild age of 19yrs for custody of her. It was granted. Fast forward to her turning 18yrs old and thinking that just b/c she was now a legal adult in the state of Ohio she could do as and disrespect us as she pleased. I cheated on my DH, b/c we were in a very bad place in our marriage do to her always running interference and infertility. She found out, she told him. (No, I'm not proud.) Shortly after DH's finding out, I found out I was pregnant with *B*. Things were in chaos and rumors were flying but I knew the truth, and that DH was/is *B*'s father. Then H*attie stole from a store while I was maternity clothes shopping. I kept her out of jail, she returned the favor by punching me in the belly and telling me she hoped my baby died as I didn't deserve a baby by her brother any how. That night she was out of our home, never supposed to return... guess I was mistaken, huh?

Short story on that was, she left J*ordan and *H* to be with another man. Mind you she left *H* alone in the house in a playpen at 15mths old with a note stating: "Being a mother is too much. I have no freedom. I want my life back." (Whole other rant and post... stupid ignorant bitch.) New guy's name was M*att. While with him, she couldn't stop her cheating ways, and he found out. I invited her to *B*'s party, and he decided to bring her here with all her belongings, chaos, and drama.... and drop her off.

Now that she's here she has supervised court ordered visits with *H* with DH, older SIL, or me. She's supposed to be getting a job. (Still haven't seen the likes of that, and even though she has no high school diploma or GED... fast food is below her, or so she thinks. ARGH!) We've been feeding her without any assistance, not that we need it... but we were living comfortably and able to go out and do things, now we're not. She smokes, so does DH (I would like for him to quit but I choose my battles wisely) and he used to go through a carton every 2wks, now it's every 5 days which we can't afford!! The whore is out all night until the wee hours of the morning, and in a month has been with 7 different guys. She's even been talking about getting pregnant again, which I'm afraid if she does I may kill her. Plus, the lazy bitch wants to sleep all day even when I yell and argue with her to get up. She doesn't help do any household chores around here, and she's so lazy I've had to tell her twice she stunk and to take a bath. It's ridiculous. All DH and I have done since she's been here is fight. She's been talking shit about me, and the cheating incident that happened 4yrs ago. She's even told DH to paternity test *B*, and she would pay for it. I've came thisclose to thumping her so many times since she's been here I can't count them on both hands. On top of all this she calls J*ordan not daily like she should to check on *H* occasionally when she's craving drama, and starts arguments with him on the phone.

The sad part of all this is, DH and I weren't in the best of places when she came here. Her coming to live with us was unexpected. DH and I haven't been right since my m/c in April, and her being here has only drove a wedge deeper into our already frail relationship. Even worse part is.... she knows this. She does things purposely to make me or *B* cry and when I go to DH about it, b/c still to this day have to walk on egg shells around her; he shrugs it off like it's no big deal it's just what she does ignore it. When she was a child I was raising it was so much easier... now she's a parent herself (or at least she's supposed to be) I can't ignore her ignorance, b/c it's not bliss. But, I can honestly see us in divorce court if things keep on the way that they are, and b/c my DH has this huge kind loving heart of gold... he's not putting her out regardless of what she does wrong. I'll have to do it and risk the backlash that comes with it when him and I fight b/c she'll be homeless due to burning every tie and bind she's ever had.

*************************

Any way, in other un-H*attie involved news... *B*'s not going to preschool after all this year. I wanted him to go, and way back in the spring DH wanted him to, too. But, as DH has let buddies of his work out of our garage that have foul mouths, and DH has one around them too... you guessed it. *B* has a potty mouth as well. Since we have to pay for pre-school in our area, I refuse to let him go, and pay for it when he uses curse words in perfect sentence form and laughs about it. He'll for sure get kicked out of pre-school in the first week or day. I don't want that for him. So, I've decided since he's only 3, that I'll teach him the basics that he doesn't know already this year so he'll have an advantage next year.... and work on not using profanity. Oh and I need discipline tips on this, to btw??? I threaten with soap, but would never do that. I've been taking toys away and doing time out, but it's to no avail. Far from what I got back in the day (smacks to the mouth, hot sauce, and dish soap) I have not a clue what to do. Advice?

In other news, I think I'm finally at peace with my m/c. I'm ready to start TTC again, but my body is not. I've gained almost 20lbs since my m/c, and I need to shed that and then some. Right now I lack energy as my thyroid levels are out of whack again, and my family Dr. is adjusting them. Also, with the live-in we can't afford treatments and meds, let alone a baby. It breaks my heart that she is coming first yet again to our TTC wants and needs. I wish I already had meds from before so that I didn't have to buy them. I know that any RE is going to look at Foll*istim or Gon*alF as a full course line of treatment, and that is out of our price range. I wish that Ohio state law mandated something more than just HMO's offering infertility coverage to employees and PPO's doing diagnostic testing. I mean that is a blessing, but I'm so beyond that. For me and everyone like me in this state once we've found the results out of our testing and know what is causing our infertility dilemmas, we don't have insurance coverage to help us from there. We better hope we have a chicken laying golden eggs or a money tree in our back yards, if we're just middle class citizens like myself.... b/c our savings is shot from previous treatments and our 401Ks are already being repaid to us not to have a loan taken from again from being tapped out for the same reason. Why do treatments have to cost so much? *sigh*

Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get in for a D&C or another lap. I've had one AF since the bleeding from my m/c. I have horrible cramps all the time, but nothing changes on OPKs. All BFNs in sight. When DH and I have sex it hurts. It's never hurt before. There are times that I have to make him stop, and I end up in tears. I've been putting it off for weeks now, but I need to make the call. I'm just scared of what the OB/GYN will find/do. I just know I can't keep going like this.... it's killing our sex life and adding to that wedge.

If you've made it this far, thank you! I had alot I needed to get off my chest and update you on. Hopefully I'll get more computer time, but I guess we'll see. Wish I could password it, but that would just be a fight with DH that I don't want. *sigh* Wish me luck.... I'm hoping my head doesn't spin off into oblivion.

Not Me! Monday

Hey ya'll it's that time of week again. Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week, and please join in the fun. Happy Not Me-ing!

Over the weekend DH and I reached our 10yr being together anniversary (not marriage, that's in May). So, in true Catrisha fashion being that it was our anniversary I definitely did not do it up big. I did not pull out all the stops with Kleenex, cough drops, cold meds, and a heating pad b/c I was too sick with a head cold to do the normal. Nope. Not me.

I also did not decide that taking my child to Wal*greens for Easter pics with the Easter bunny was a good idea while sick, after reading the adpaper. I mean I needed more Kleenex and nasal spray any how, so why not. I did not get my child all pumped up to sit on that rabbit's lap only to get there and find out that s/he was also sick, and lost there kibble in front of other children at 11am that morning. At this point *B* did not proceed to have a meltdown thinking that that rabbit will now be too sick to bring him a basket next weekend and hide the eggs he's eager to color. So, I did not throw a huge fit with the sales clerk telling her that someone in that store needed to dress up as a damned rabbit to calm my child down. Nobody could, however he still got very cute Easter pics taken in a awesome packet deal for only $9.99, due to our tantrums. To which I did not refuse to pay for b/c he was off center and had red eye, b/c the actual photographer went home with the good camera and they used a crappy in store one. Nope. Not me! I'm not that rude, mean or moody... except for when AF is here, I'm sick, and you've made my child cry b/c you're sorta taking away from the whole Easter bunny gimmick for him and he doesn't understand.

PS: I ended up paying $4.99 for the pics, but still I could of taken a better one myself with my own camera and made up thrown together background. I'll post the pic soon when I get it scanned and uploaded.

Sound Off

**Please be forewarned that this is going to be a total bitch-fest, probably complete with profanity. So, if you don't want to read for whatever reason I totally understand. I just thought I'd let you know ahead of time before you continue on.**

I'm aggrevated. I usually let alot of things bottle up inside be before it all comes spilling out, but lately I've met my limit and I keep letting little jabs off here and there in my various relationships. I could write novels on the aggrevations that DH's sisters put on me, and it just so happens this entry will probably be no different. So let's get to what's been going on shall we?

Lately the duo have been riding my nerves. It started with H*attie. A few weeks back her and I had an all out (would of came to blows had we been face to face) arguement on the computer. It started over something so small, but something that has been bothering me for sometime. Maybe I'm going to sound selfish and petty, maybe not and you'll understand. But here the thing when we moved to our new home in "the city" we only moved 7-10min from our old place. Our old place was (no lie) across the street from the older sister and her family. So, when H*attie and her crew came to visit she was killing 2 birds with one stone. She was able to visit both of us in one stop. Now that we live in "the city" she doesn't visit us, b/c it's farther. Precisely 6.8miles farther. She has been her only twice in a year and that was for *B*'s birthday and Thanksgiving. Their excuse for this was that they didn't have the gas, and then that they didn't have a reliable vehicle. Then I found out that she was visiting the older sister and they were keeping it from us. Whatever, I got over it b/c they said as soon as they got a new vehicle they would come visit us. I'm naive what can I say. So, tax time came around and they got a new very reliable vehicle, and they visited the older sister. They still tried to keep it a secret, but somebody spilled the beans and we found out. DH and I were both hurt by their actions, and H*attie thought it was funny. So, that is how the arguement started, and it ended on the note of her calling CPS on me for being a bad Mom b/c I go out with friends and drink (while me husband stays at home and watches our child [insert rolly eyes here]) and that I don't know who the father of my son is b/c I'm a whore. So, I washed my hands of her.

But, it didn't stop there. In the weeks to pass she proceeded to make a FB account and then add all of my closest friends and some of my family members. She then started asking questions about me and talking shit about me to said people. The majority told her off. A couple put her in her place before she even started her nonsense. And the others deleted and blocked her. I blocked her right away, b/c I didn't want any more drama with her or her knowing anything about what was going on in my life by being able to read things on my status or friend's walls. She kept up with her anctics though and just made herself look really bad in the process, b/c everyone she was talking crap about me too had heard about the fight that I had had with her and the name calling on her behalf and here she was talking to another man all over her wall publically and sexually. This is the same man that J*ordan caught her cheating on him with not once or twice, but three times.

Well, I had left it all alone until this past week and I had really given a whole lot of thought to it or done anything about the crap. I mostly just sat back and watched her dig her own hole and laughed. This past week the older sister (whom I don't get along with either and just tolerate) and J*ordan pulled me into things. J*ordan gave me some FB information so that I could read somethings for myself. Older sister told me that she talked to J and that he was going to catch H*attie in the act again this past weekend and this time he was done. So, this past Friday he took a vacation day from work, but still acted to her as if he was going. Drove away but went so that he could still see their place from his location. Within 20min she brought in this other guy. J was pissed and took off so that he did confront them and beat them both (to death or whatever he's violent). When he returned an hour or so later H*attie was gone and *H* was standing in his pack-n-play with a note taped to it stating "I'm done. I'm not happy with you any longer. I don't want you or this bastard child. I'm leaving, b/c I want to live my life for me now." ERRRRR!!! I am furious with her. After talking to J I found out that while she was pregnant that she did somethings (like punching herself in the stomach after she lost the girl) b/c she didn't want to have a boy. I want to punch her in the face I'm so pissed at her and teenage ways. She didn't deserve that baby, or any baby for that matter. I just want to thump her I have to much anger built up in me. Maybe it's the infertility that is waining heavily on the feeling or maybe it's just the fact that I know what she's dont is beyond wrong.

That brings me to the older sister. After this took place she went on and on about how she was done with H*attie. She was no sister of her's. She hated her and would like to smack some sense into her. How she thought that she deserved form of punishment and backlash that she got. (Exactly how I felt.) Which brings me to today when I get an e-mail from older sister letting me know she talked to H*attie last night. She said things with H and J are fine now. He let her come home and that she's not upset with H now that H explained things to her about why she did what she did. I want to smack her too. How can you forgive someone that puts your nephew in harms way so easily? There is no explanation or excuse good enough in this world to justify punching yourself in the stomach when you were pregnant, leaving your child for weeks on end with family and strangers, dropping him off on a doorstep, or leaving him alone in a play pen.... all things H has done. Oh I know how you can, b/c you're just as ignorant as she is. ARGH!!! Plus older sister is now trying to be like me. Oh wait she's always tried to be like me, she always envies everything we have and tries to one up us, but can't. Now she's even going as far as to put similar status messages as me up on Myspace and FB. I swear I think now would be the time to step away from the computer for a week to complete one of my 101, b/c if not the duo is going to put me in the psych ward.

Now that ya'll have some insight into how the bitches in my life make it hell what do you think? I'll tell ya what I think... I sometimes think I married into the wrong family, b/c the shit I endure with them is so not worth it at times. Thank God my wonderful DH and my Monster of a child make up for all their bad.