Why Her?

I'm serving up a pity party for one tonight. It's a combo of many things etched on my heart and the fact that I'm drugged up on pain pills due to pulling something in my back while giving *B* a bath the other night. Any way, I'm an avid reader of Mckmama's blog. So, earlier as I was reading back through her recent posts that I had missed this past week, when I came across THIS entry she wrote about her newest addition in the cradle that was her's and has went threw each of her children and that she will pass on to one of them. After reading that post I lost it.

I lost it b/c in my family there was a similar item, that was to have a similar set of circumstances. You see, there was this cradle:

My great-grandma and her sister were infants in it. Then when my grandma was born she was an infant in it. My mom and her sisters were infants in it. My grandma kept it and it was to be passed down to her daughter (my mom) for the first grand-daughter (me). My sister and I were both infants in this cradle... it should of went to me. It was intended for me. I got pregnant before my sister TWICE, but both ended in a miscarriage.

So, what does my dysfunctional disheartening mother do??? You guessed it, I'm sure. My sister with her first pregnancy receives MY cradle at her baby shower. The baby shower that I was throwing for my sister b/c I was so happy for her. But, my heart got broken at this baby shower. That was supposed to be my sentimental gift and right of passage. Instead I get some stupid blanket that my mom got at a garage sale that her dogs laid all over. (The tip of the iceberg on the love/hate relationship my mom and I have and how my feelings aren't of value to her at all.)

Now, my sister's three beautiful baby girls have all been infants in this cradle and she intends to pass it on to one of them keeping the tradition (some what). But, what about me? Here I sit almost 4yrs later, and I'm still bitter and hurt. That was supposed to be mine. The one that I received and passed it on to my child and be stilled in him the heritage that went along with it. Something my sister won't do, and doesn't care about. I'll never have that, and I don't understand why my mom choose favorites in her children, and why it had to be my sister. What did I ever do in this life or a past life to have things so bitter sweet on so many levels?

Wordless Wednesday- A Trip To Amish Country Style

This past weekend we took a trip to Hol*mes Coun*ty, Ohio. We went to a wonderful farm that had a petting farm (I'll call it a farm b/c there weren't exotic animals there they called it a zoo, but you call it what you want). We took a horse and buggy ride, saw goats on a roof top, rode horses, pet and fed animals, ate Amish home cooking, went to a couple flea markets and vendor shops, and went on a covered wagon ride. It was an incredibly amazing time.

Summer Fun

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers! My name is Catrisha. I'm 26, but I'll be 27 in August. I'm married to my amazing DH, Co*dy. We have one son named B*rennen, whom I call *B* or the Monster on this blog that will be 3yrs old in 10 short days. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism that basically cripples my normal fertility life. I've had quite a few m/c's with my most recent being this passed April, and b/c of this m/c DH and I are on a break from TTC#2 b/c I'm just not ready mentally or emotionally to take that leap again right not. If you would like to know more in depth details about my TTC Journey... you can do just that by clicking the tab above labeled "My TTC Journey." Happy ICLW and thanks for getting to know me.

Now back to my regular scheduled blogging...

The family and I have been soaking up the summer fun this passed weekend. With my DH turning 27yrs old the day before Father's Day and then Father's Day we had a GREAT weekend. Well all except for I'm now sporting a broken toe. (I'll tell ya'll about that in a second.) So, on Friday DH and I have been trying since Memorial Day Monday to get this huge stump out of our back yard from a tree that got cut down. We were going to get a stump grinder to do it, but the cost for that labor was outrageous. Any how, we put our back into it and dug the stump out. So, now we can FINALLY put our swimming pool up, as that was the only flat area we had. That's next weekend's task though (only DH isn't all to thrilled. LOL!). Oh and *B* got to catch lightening bugs that night and the night before.

Then came Saturday and DH's birthday. It started on a good note, until after about an hour of calling around on DH's part we found out that nobody was neither or open nor could deliver sand to put under our pool till the following weekend. So, he was irritated. (Not sure why though, I wouldn't of wanted to work on my birthday and he didn't but it was like he wanted to. Who knows? Men!) After that fiasco, *B* and I went and picked up DH's ice cream birthday cake from DQ. It was all messed up and I wasn't pleased with how it looked at all. I only got $3 taken off the price, but still if I could make ice cream cakes I'm sure the design on the top would be alot less plain than this one (that "I Love My Daddy" thing is a plastic that just pops off).After picking up the cake we brought it home and headed to Wal*Mart to pick up a Father's Day gift for my Dad. When we got there we found out that the porch swing that I've wanted for forever was on rollback, but our local Wal*Mart was out of stock with it. So, after standing at customer service for abot an hour while they called around to store within an hour drive time they finally found one and we were off. We headed 35min away, got the swing, and then went out to dinner at Ste*ak-N-Sh*ake for DH's birthday. When we finally arrived home it took about 2hrs to get that swing together, but it looks good sitting on the front porch, and I LOVE IT!!

Father's Day *B* and I got up early and went and got DH's new shoes that he wanted for his present. He wanted that and power tools, but he's less picky about shoes. Get the man a pair of K*Swiss shoes that are his size and the style he goes for and he's fine. Tools that's another story... LOL! Then it was home to wake him up, give him his gift, and pack a cooler for the local pool. We went and swam all day. It was soooo much fun.After *B* decided at one point (after I slipped in the pool and broke my toe), that he was climbing the ladder and running away from us toward where our stuff was sitting and fell and hit his head. So, we left. But, yeah I'm claiming this the year of the broken bones for me... first the broken thumb now the broken toe. After that we went to a Father's Day cookout at one of my best friend's house. Three of my six best friends were there, and I missed the other three but it was still a great time.After we all ate, we swam again in my friend's pool while the guys all played horseshoes. To end the day the guys left off some fireworks, and the kids went running with ears covered. If I could have weekends like this one EVERY weekend I most certainly would. This was a GREAT weekend and I loved it.

Drama, Drama, DRAMA

I swear all my life consists of is Drama any more. I most certainly do not go looking for it as I have enough problems in my own home, it just always comes to me. Here's a quick recap of the last few months so you're up-to-date on what I'm talking about. A few months ago H*attie and I stopped talking after a huge fight on the computer about her parenting skills that ended in her calling me horrendous names. Neither DH nor I talked to her again from mid-February until Easter weekend when she called crying to tell us that J*ordan and her were on the outs. Of course my DH the respecting brother and father-like figure that he has been to that disrespectful girl offered our home to her and *H* (our nephew) to come stay. However we were sick during Eater and the following week, so we were unable to move her down here... so by the following weekend when we were feeling better things with H*attie and J*ordan were "fine". Although a couple days later H*attie leaves J*ordan AND *H* to go be with this other guy she had been cheating on J*ordan with. We didn't talk to H*attie again, but we did keep in contact with J*ordan about *H*. Fast forward to this past week...

We get a phone call from H*attie telling us that her and J*ordan have went back to court about visitations for her with *H*, and the judge ruled it had to be supervised. Bet you can't guess who with? Oh you guessed it? Well, you're right... us! ARGH! The stipulations of the visitations were ridiculous though, and doable for her and J*ordan as they live 20min or so from each other, but we live an hour drive away from them. The terms were every other weekend starting this past weekend for 2hrs, then 4hrs, then 6hrs or each of the following weekends on Saturdays, to be picked up and dropped off and J*ordan's local police dept., and to be in a public place all with us. I talked to J*ordan about how this would not work, and how I would love for H*attie to be able to see *H*, but there was no way possible for us to accommodate the judges request in this especially when we weren't even consulted first. He told me he didn't know what to tell me or H*attie, as she just sat there and never opened her mouth about it, but said she'd like it to be us. He said he wasn't doing her any favors. I can't much blame him, but at the same time by not doing her favors her and us are being screwed. Fast forward to this past weekend...

J*ordan decided to swallow his ego a bit and compromise on some things. He had to come to our house any way, as he bought our old living room suit off of us. So, when I told H*attie this, I also asked her if she would be able to come here to see *H*. J*ordan agreed, H*attie agreed, thus *H* was here. (He's gotten so big and independent at 18mths old, but that's off topic... LOL!) J*ordan once he was here decided H*attie could keep *H* over night as long as she and her boyfriend stayed here with him. So, instead of 2hrs she got him 24hrs. OMG... she is horrible at parenting. If I were in her position I would want to spend every second with my son. Not her, every time I had to leave for something, she left with me and left *H* in M*att's (her boyfriend) care. During that care time M*att didn't watch *H* and he got into my cat's food and water bowls spilling them. Matt left *H* in the soaking wet clothes until we got there, and H*attie kept him in them even after we got home and found out about it. I would say in the amount of time that *H* was here, he ate maybe 5TBS of food and drank a milk bottle. When I tried to feed him he threw a fit, and H*attie told me to leave him alone... so I did. She left him in a poopy diaper for I don't even know how long as he got here at 11am, and the first diaper change she did on him b/c I told her his diaper was about to fall off was at 4:30pm (the poop was drying to his butt). When it was bath and bedtime she didn't even give him his bath... I did. She and her boyfriend both got drunk after *H* went to bed. And, the worst thing they left here at 10am on Sunday to take *H* back to J*ordan... She NEVER fed him breakfast or anything.

Now, we are left to fill out these report papers for the judge and mail them to the court house on her parenting abilities supervised to see if when they go back to court she can get them unsupervised. DH is leaving me in charge of this, as I always do all the paperwork things. However, he asked me what I was going to write and said he thought that she did a good job this weekend. I told him exactly what I've written here. He flipped out, and I told him that it needed to be told to the judge in the best interest of *H*. DH and I are now fighting even more. Every time one of his sisters comes around that is all we do. Especially if it's H*attie. I never wanted to be any part of H*attie and J*ordan's split, nor did I want involved in this custody dispute after the first time this crap happened. Now, they've put even more strain on a marriage already at it's breaking point. I don't know what to do... I don't want my marriage to fall apart over me telling the truth, but at the same time I don't want to lie so that she gets unsupervised visits as I worry about *H*'s well being in her care alone with him. I'm so torn, and this Drama has me an emotional train wreck.

Easter...

better late than never. This year it was difficult to have an Easter celebration with the sickies in our home. (Speaking of which I'm now sporting a lovely case of the stomach flu that *B* and DH had first.) Any how, there was a day before it got cold outside again when they got better, before I got sick that we were able to have an Easter egg hunt. But, coloring eggs was pretty much DH and me... *B* got in on like two eggs as he just didn't feel up to it. And opening of *B*'s 3 Easter baskets was not done until this past Wed. as he just did not feel up to it until then. (Why 3 baskets? Only one from us the other two were from family members houses that we had to for go dinner at b/c of the sickies.) So, here for your viewing pleasure is our Easter week... ENJOY!

Aggravation

ag·gra·va·tion
1. The act of aggravating or the state of being aggravated.
2. A source of continuing, increasing irritation or trouble.
3. Exasperation.

It comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms. It can be from the tiniest thing such as not having enough milk for a bowl of cereal to something bigger like a pimple on your face on picture day to the hugest of TTC with many failed cycles only to find out your infertile and treatments are pricey. Of course my aggravation tonight comes from my dysfunctional family and how the decisions in life they make effect my life ten fold.

Two weekends ago my Dad and I had a very heated fight that lasted for three days. It started on Friday when he was getting really drunk (like usual) and I had to go get shots and dog license for my dog that he now cares for. I told him that it was going to cost approximately $28, but once I got everything done and it was realized that the licensing was past due it ended up costing $39. He had given my $40, and so I brought him back $1... to which he called me a thieving whore. He wanted me to take him to the store and the bank, but he couldn't stand up straight let alone walk in these public places so I told him I would do it for him and we had some words about him needing to sober up. After I went and got him the things that he needed we went to the park, and when I returned back to his place he was passed out and R (my little brother's mom) was there. I just left the money and the items and returned home. A few hours went by and R calls me upset stating that Dad had kicked her out and she wanted to know if I would take her to a friends house when she got a hold of him/her. I went over there to help her carry her belongings to my house to wait, and when I got there my Dad started on me about taking her side. We were nose to nose and he even balled up his fist and I was in fear that he would hit me (since he did it before when I was a child). After many hurtful statements he said to me including being a skanky whore, fat bitch, and a bum who lives off my husband I came back with something I'm ashamed to admit but struck him to his core. I called him my mom's sperm donor and told him he'd never done anything for me my whole life except cause me heartache, pain, misery, and beat me why should it be any different now. Finally R and I left his place with her stuff, but he was red-hot mad and called my house numerous times leaving hurtful messages on my machine that everyone could hear, even threatening to beat on me. Later that night he brought my dog over and opened my door up without being let in, and said I pushed the dog on him any how so I could have it back. He even had a verbal confrontation with DH and called him into the street to fight, which he didn't do. I again had to go to his house this time knock on the door and ask for the dog's bowls and food as well as his registration papers if I had to take him. He screamed, cussed, and got in my face again. I bawled and shook, but finally he gave me what I needed.

The next day everything had died down until DH's sister and her family came to our house for a cookout. We were all outside playing in the back yard and on the trampoline as well as cooking, and my Dad comes out to his porch. He begins yelling things. (He lives right next door.) He calls R and I pigs and hogs as well as bitches again. *B* yells "Pap-paw" over and over again only to be said to by my Dad "Shut up you little mother f*#%&r, I'm not supposed to talk to you b/c of your bitch mom, so don't you talk to me either." DH tells me to call the cops, but I didn't I warned Dad that I was going to do it if he didn't knock it off. Then when DH's sister goes to leave for a little bit Dad yells to her "Must be nice to be a welfare bum. Lazy MF-er's on welfare have better vehicles and eat better than the working man." They get public assistance b/c their son is Autistic, but they also work. She told him to shut the hell up. DH was insistent on me calling the cops now. But after this Dad went inside and things died down again.

Then Sunday rolled around and I was outside cleaning up dog poop from the dog around the trampoline, when he comes barreling out his door again to scream things at us. He says something about "Dog shit being on his side of the fence" or something like that. I reply to him if it's there it's b/c he never cleaned it up from the dog when he had him or from another dog that was running lose in the yard shortly before that. He comes back with "No you don't need to clean up any dog shit, you are pieces of dog shit." He continued to yells profanities and vulgarities to us in the yard, so we went on the back porch to where he couldn't see us. He went inside and we went back to what we were doing in the yard. He comes out again and I warn him I'm not messing around this time I will call the cops. He says "Call the cops I'll fight you and the MF-ing cops." So, I go inside and call them. When the officer arrives he takes my statement then goes over to talk to my Dad who is still on the porch yelling things. The officer tells him to keep his voice down. Dad tells the cop that he'll do that when the cop stops yelling at him. Then Dad stands up and I was watching from my back porch so I was looking at his back. To me it looked like he lunged at the cop, but I was informed that the cop pulled him off the steps b/c he stood up and threw his hands up, and said him & the cop had nothing to talk about. The cop then put him in a rear choke hold and told him if he didn't stop moving that he was going to break his F-ing neck. Finally Dad was unconscious and put in cuffs. They put him in the cruiser and took him to jail.

He was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. B/c of his background and having prior disorderly charges on him this charge instead of being a misdemeanor is a felony. He's looking at a combined time of 12-18mths in jail/prison. He's harassed me daily about my statement that I had to write out on what happened, and said that I don't care if he loses everything b/c I don't care about him. I'm just so tired of his drinking and I even talked about a better than normal plea deal with the prosecutor's secretary today on the phone. Instead of jail time, possibly a rehab facility so he doesn't lose everything.

Any how, the reason that I'm aggravated is b/c of this whole ordeal my child now repeats many cuss words in full sentences. He will tell you things that his pap-paw said to him/us and want you to call the law if something isn't going right. I'm aggravated b/c the court date for this whole ordeal is Thursday.... the day that I was supposed to go to my new RE. I've been subpoenaed to appear for the trial. My appt is roughly a 1 and a 1/2hr drive away on a good traffic day. Appt time is 11am, court is 1pm.... no feasible way of doing both. I've been waiting for this appt. since the end of January, now it's not going to happen. Everything that drunken man of a father has done in his life to wind him up in jail has deeply affected me in one way or another, and this is no different. I just wish for once he would choose his children over the booze, b/c we certainly did not ask to be born, but since we are we didn't ask for a father that's a drunk so why should we have to have one?? *SIGH!*

Rough Week

This week has been one for the books. It started out with me being sick, added in a death in the family, and winded up with *B* being VERY sick. Just to briefly update ya'll on why I haven't been around is b/c of all this. I'm feeling/doing much better. My only complaint now is the allergy distress I'm having and the high volumes of vomit and diarrhea I've been cleaning up. Any how, one of DH's aunts passed away on our anniversary. It was sad for her to go home to be with our Lord, but she hadn't been well for a long time so she's now no longer in pain and in a better place. She will be missed though. Unfortunately we weren't even able to attend the funeral due to a VERY sick little man. The night before he came to me with vomit every where and fevered. That night he continued to be sick with vomiting, then when he woke up the next morning he had the diarrhea. Still has the diarrhea, but at least now he's eating. Any how, we had to do an ER visit for dehydration and get him some IV fluids. He's seemingly doing better today, and has wanted to be outside all day but he's still not acting himself at times. His pedi. said it was just a 48hr stomach bug and would pass quickly as it's going around, so I'm hoping that tomorrow he's up to full par. Otherwise that's why I've not been around.

*In other news, and on a more positive front... I'm on CD12 and I've been using OPKs and temping. I haven't had a change in my temp yet, but my lines are really dark almost the same darkness. I'm hoping maybe for once my crappy ovaries are going to "O" on their own and we'll get a BFP and not have to go to that appt. next week (OK more than likely go to it, but not need any intervention.) I guess I'll have to keep you posted on what happens.*

PS: Hope ya'll have a Blessed & Happy Easter!

Soaking Up The Ohio Warmth

The past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride here in not-so-sunny-Ohio with the temperatures. For a few days they're really warm, but nights you most definitely need the furnance on still. There's also been some rainy and cold days, and even some straggling snow showers in the mix. But we've been blessed with enough warm days to put *B*'s trampoline up, and to make it to the park twice, although the first time it was much to muddy and flooded so we didn't stay. Any how, all these long days outside have left *B* without naps (and he's been a trooper about that) and put him back sleeping in his own room all night long. (I'm knocking on wood right here, b/c I don't want to jinx this since it's been 8 long months that he's been coming to our room and climbing in our bed every night.) But, unfortunately it seems as though the forecast may change this weekend back to the drabby cold for a short little while. So, in the meantime I wanted to share some pictures with ya'll of our days out in the warmth.

Monster See, Monster Do

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This past week was so nice, warm and springtime. *B* and I spent alot of time outside soaking up the glorious sunshine and even went to the park this past Friday with DH. When we were there it just so happens that my step-brother was there with his girl-friend and their 3kids. *B* is easily influenced by everything he sees so when my nephew went down the slide so did *B*. When my nephew went to the sand area, so did *B*. And when my nephew picked up sand and threw it *B*, he most certainly did not pick it up and throw sand at himself too. Nope. Not my child!

So, of course the crazy mother I am I freaked out, but I let them play, b/c boys will be boys. But then my nephew went up on wooden play thing and started spitting off it onto other kids. *B* did not do that either. Instead he spit juice from his cup on other kids which made them scream and their parents come hunting me. Nope, That could not be my child either.

Finally the straw that broke this Mommy's back was when I'm guessing my nephew went under the playhouse where it's secluded and peed. (He's potty trained and my brother has taught him just to whip it out anywhere and pee.) B/c relatively 60seconds later *B* did not run out from the same area nakkid as a blue jay saying "Mommy me pee like D too!" Nope. Not my child at all!!

So, what have you not been up to? Please don't be scared to add in you're whimsical horror stories like my own, b/c that is what this writing adventure at MckMama's is all about!! Happy Not Me-ing!

Sound Off

**Please be forewarned that this is going to be a total bitch-fest, probably complete with profanity. So, if you don't want to read for whatever reason I totally understand. I just thought I'd let you know ahead of time before you continue on.**

I'm aggrevated. I usually let alot of things bottle up inside be before it all comes spilling out, but lately I've met my limit and I keep letting little jabs off here and there in my various relationships. I could write novels on the aggrevations that DH's sisters put on me, and it just so happens this entry will probably be no different. So let's get to what's been going on shall we?

Lately the duo have been riding my nerves. It started with H*attie. A few weeks back her and I had an all out (would of came to blows had we been face to face) arguement on the computer. It started over something so small, but something that has been bothering me for sometime. Maybe I'm going to sound selfish and petty, maybe not and you'll understand. But here the thing when we moved to our new home in "the city" we only moved 7-10min from our old place. Our old place was (no lie) across the street from the older sister and her family. So, when H*attie and her crew came to visit she was killing 2 birds with one stone. She was able to visit both of us in one stop. Now that we live in "the city" she doesn't visit us, b/c it's farther. Precisely 6.8miles farther. She has been her only twice in a year and that was for *B*'s birthday and Thanksgiving. Their excuse for this was that they didn't have the gas, and then that they didn't have a reliable vehicle. Then I found out that she was visiting the older sister and they were keeping it from us. Whatever, I got over it b/c they said as soon as they got a new vehicle they would come visit us. I'm naive what can I say. So, tax time came around and they got a new very reliable vehicle, and they visited the older sister. They still tried to keep it a secret, but somebody spilled the beans and we found out. DH and I were both hurt by their actions, and H*attie thought it was funny. So, that is how the arguement started, and it ended on the note of her calling CPS on me for being a bad Mom b/c I go out with friends and drink (while me husband stays at home and watches our child [insert rolly eyes here]) and that I don't know who the father of my son is b/c I'm a whore. So, I washed my hands of her.

But, it didn't stop there. In the weeks to pass she proceeded to make a FB account and then add all of my closest friends and some of my family members. She then started asking questions about me and talking shit about me to said people. The majority told her off. A couple put her in her place before she even started her nonsense. And the others deleted and blocked her. I blocked her right away, b/c I didn't want any more drama with her or her knowing anything about what was going on in my life by being able to read things on my status or friend's walls. She kept up with her anctics though and just made herself look really bad in the process, b/c everyone she was talking crap about me too had heard about the fight that I had had with her and the name calling on her behalf and here she was talking to another man all over her wall publically and sexually. This is the same man that J*ordan caught her cheating on him with not once or twice, but three times.

Well, I had left it all alone until this past week and I had really given a whole lot of thought to it or done anything about the crap. I mostly just sat back and watched her dig her own hole and laughed. This past week the older sister (whom I don't get along with either and just tolerate) and J*ordan pulled me into things. J*ordan gave me some FB information so that I could read somethings for myself. Older sister told me that she talked to J and that he was going to catch H*attie in the act again this past weekend and this time he was done. So, this past Friday he took a vacation day from work, but still acted to her as if he was going. Drove away but went so that he could still see their place from his location. Within 20min she brought in this other guy. J was pissed and took off so that he did confront them and beat them both (to death or whatever he's violent). When he returned an hour or so later H*attie was gone and *H* was standing in his pack-n-play with a note taped to it stating "I'm done. I'm not happy with you any longer. I don't want you or this bastard child. I'm leaving, b/c I want to live my life for me now." ERRRRR!!! I am furious with her. After talking to J I found out that while she was pregnant that she did somethings (like punching herself in the stomach after she lost the girl) b/c she didn't want to have a boy. I want to punch her in the face I'm so pissed at her and teenage ways. She didn't deserve that baby, or any baby for that matter. I just want to thump her I have to much anger built up in me. Maybe it's the infertility that is waining heavily on the feeling or maybe it's just the fact that I know what she's dont is beyond wrong.

That brings me to the older sister. After this took place she went on and on about how she was done with H*attie. She was no sister of her's. She hated her and would like to smack some sense into her. How she thought that she deserved form of punishment and backlash that she got. (Exactly how I felt.) Which brings me to today when I get an e-mail from older sister letting me know she talked to H*attie last night. She said things with H and J are fine now. He let her come home and that she's not upset with H now that H explained things to her about why she did what she did. I want to smack her too. How can you forgive someone that puts your nephew in harms way so easily? There is no explanation or excuse good enough in this world to justify punching yourself in the stomach when you were pregnant, leaving your child for weeks on end with family and strangers, dropping him off on a doorstep, or leaving him alone in a play pen.... all things H has done. Oh I know how you can, b/c you're just as ignorant as she is. ARGH!!! Plus older sister is now trying to be like me. Oh wait she's always tried to be like me, she always envies everything we have and tries to one up us, but can't. Now she's even going as far as to put similar status messages as me up on Myspace and FB. I swear I think now would be the time to step away from the computer for a week to complete one of my 101, b/c if not the duo is going to put me in the psych ward.

Now that ya'll have some insight into how the bitches in my life make it hell what do you think? I'll tell ya what I think... I sometimes think I married into the wrong family, b/c the shit I endure with them is so not worth it at times. Thank God my wonderful DH and my Monster of a child make up for all their bad.

Overcome With Frustration & The Past

Here it is 2am and I'm wide awake b/c my mind is moving a million miles a minute. (Trying saying that 10 times fast... LOL.) Any way, I keep thinking about something that my Dad's girlfriend R told me tonight while she was over here doing laundry, and it really bothers me for a whole mess of reasons. The other night I went over to my Dad's (he lives next door, btw) with *B*. Dad, R, and Dad's room-mate were all there. It's no secret that my Dad is an alcoholic (hold on, that would imply he goes to AA or something which he doesn't, so maybe a drunk is more fitting.... but you get the point) and him and the room-mate were tossing a few back. Well *B* being the pap-paw's boy that he is when it was time to leave wanted to stay. I hesitated and debated with *B* on it, and then R said it was alright she would bring him over after they were done with dinner, b/c *B* wanted to eat tacos (that's my love of Taco Bell coming out in him while he was in the womb... LOL). I agreed and came home. I hadn't been here but 20min, and R walks in with *B* stating that he wanted to come home. Fast forward to tonight...

I didn't pick up on it immediately, and I now wish I had. When *B* came in he looked as if he had been crying although I just took it as him being tired, b/c he had went without a nap that day and within 30min of being home was asleep. Now though after R telling me what happened I know he had cried hard and came home to be comforted by Mommy to fall asleep. R said that after I left *B* got to rough house playing around while she was waiting on the food to be finished, and *B* bit her. She said it wasn't hard and a playful type nip, but his teeth and her body were still involved. My Dad smacked him in the mouth for this. After *B* started crying he then went to her to be comforted, and once he was calm wanted to play again but not rough. To which my Dad continued on his case about biting and it being bad and kept tapping him in the mouth. R said after two or three times of doing that *B* started crying again, and she got his coat on him, made him a plate of taco salad, and brought him home.

I'm so frustrated and upset by this and it brings up so many feelings for me. My Dad was (maybe still is, I'm not sure) an abusive drunk. As I grew up there are plenty of memories that I can recall of him beating my Mom, R, another girlfriend he had, and even me. He's been to prison (I'm not talking county jail here either, I'm talking a high security place) three times for domestic violence. He got his visitation rights taken from him of me and my sister at ages 13 and 10. My little brother's visitation at age 8. He can't stop being a drunk, and now I'm wondering if he can't stop the violence either. I had thought he was past that, but maybe I thought wrong. Him correcting *B* for biting is one thing. My child is 2yrs old. He knows right from wrong... doesn't always display it on a consistent basis, but knows. However, he most certainly knows once he's scolded for something to not do it again... at least not right away. So, for my Dad to smack him in the mouth is one thing... I've done it for him biting no lie (not the best form of punishment and apparently isn't working), but for it to be done while he was three sheets to the wind... should of NEVER happened. And, furthermore to continue doing it to him once he's been corrected and understands brings up painful memories of my Dad smacking me in the mouth and knocking out one of my teeth, and COMPLETELY crosses the line for me.

My only problem now is how do you approach your own parent about this when he's NEVER sober; doesn't ever remember beating on you as a child even though you have healed broken bones, police reports, and court documents to prove it and you're still a tad scared of him at times; and he loves his grandson more than words can express? B/c THAT is what is keeping me awake right now.

Date Night

Tonight was DH and my first date night and almost a year. (I know we're pathetic, but I only trust a hand full of people with our child, and well they have lives and busy schedules and aren't usually available and it's just usually easier to take him with us than have an emotional meltdown from anyone.) We went bowling with another couple and it was GREAT! I miss just being able to get out and do this sometimes. While I had alot of fun, and we bowled 4 games (DH won 2, and I won 2) I missed our baby. I don't think it will ever get any easier when I leave him to do this, even though I know he's in excellent hands. Probably the reason why we have so few date nights b/c DH gets fed up with me being teary eyed through dinner b/c something reminds me of *B*, or I cut us short on whatever we're doing so I can race back to rescue him even though I find him playing happily and not missing us the slightest. Tonight though I must say I restrained from doing either of these things, and when we were done with the third game and were asked by the other couple if we wanted to play one more... I didn't even hesitate. I did miss *B*, but I knew I had to do this for my husband, and our marriage. There are just times that you as parent, I guess, have to suck it up in order to keep the peace in all aspects of your life so that nothing falls to the way side... especially not the person that is supposed to be your equal in everything.

So, my Dad watched our little Monster, and he had his uncle to play with. He was happy and taken care of. Pap-paw hyped him up on M&M's, gummi worms, and pop... but hey I can't complain it was free child care. *B* loves his pap-paw and I love that he has a close enough relationship with him that it gives DH and I the chance to get away and reconnect on us without the Monster in tow. I have a really great Dad!!

Did I mention I had a GREAT time??? And that I beat DH in two games??? And I have the most AMAZING father??? I did??? Well, I thought I'd mention it again b/c it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside. :o) Have a good weekend everyone!!

Twisted Relationships

I will never understand my Dad's relationship with my little brother's mom. They are the on again off again type of relationship that needs to be dead and buried. Recently after 4yrs. my little brother came waltzing back into our lives on Thanksgiving weekend after not being allowed to come around us b/c of my visitation getting revoked from my Dad due to his alcohol addiction. Any way, with this has come a whole slew of things and an open can of worms that I just don't care for. My Dad and this woman have always had a weird relationship. They met when she was 17. There is almost a 20yr age difference between them. I know age is just a number, but in this case when this woman is only 8yrs older than his oldest child it's awkward to say the least. So, any how, there relationship went from good to bad in a hurry. Dad's alcohol problems made him abusive after certain triggers on her part, and she was abusive to him just the same. This landed my Dad in prison on domestic violence charges three times, and yet he kept going back and she kept taking him back. (Just so my Dad doesn't look totally to blame in this post b/c he's not, she got assault charges on her 2 of the 3 times, but no jail time.)

Any way, so fast forward to 4yrs ago when they were on again.... things got out of control they got into an argument, he was drinking bad, and somewhere down the line a decision was made to end things for good. But she took it a step further by going into court and bringing up his past record of domestic violence in a custody battle of my little brother. The courts ruled on modified visitations for him with my little brother. Needless to say he didn't follow the courts orders got visitation revoked and ended up with a restraining order on him that isn't up until my little brother is almost 14.

Fast forward to now.... I got in contact with my little brother not my Dad, b/c I'm allowed to. My Dad wanted nothing to do with the whole situation so he didn't get in trouble and go to jail again. My brother then pushed and pushed to get into contact with Dad for Christmas. Dad let his walls down and allowed him. My little brother's mom brought him to my house on Christmas Eve. Here's where the trouble is though.... in the 4yrs that they weren't together she got with another man, married him, and then found out he had a prior conviction and jail time for child molestation. So her mom went and petitioned the courts for custody of my little brother so that nothing would happen to him, and now his grandma has custody and she's technically the one with the restraining order against my Dad on my little brother not his mom. (Hopefully you're following this..LOL.) So, she brings him around for Christmas Eve, then again this past weekend never telling her mom the truth on where my little brother really is. When he leaves to go home this past Friday, my little brother wanted to spend the night, but she wouldn't allow him b/c she didn't know how she would explain it they get into it and he takes off. He winds up back here and she lets him stay the entire weekend here.

Now since the weekend she's been calling my Dad and showing up unexpectedly (who's in a relationship with someone else mind you that I can't stand, but that would be a whole other post) and trying to weasel her way in his life again. I'm hoping my Dad is smart enough to not fall for her crap this time, b/c if he's not I'll be the one left to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart like I always am. And, I just don't want to do it this time. I love our new house, and the fact that it's right nest door to my Dad, but I hate knowing who's coming and going over there and what's going on. I just hope and pray that in the long run he doesn't end up in jail if the grandma finds out about all this, b/c that is what will happen for breaking the restraining order, but at the same time my little brother's mom I think revoked it by bringing him here. I'm just not sure on that whole legal process, but this doesn't sit well with me. I love my little brother, but sometimes I wish way back when he would of never been born, b/c then crazy lady wouldn't still be making her way into our lives. Pray this ends well Dreamers, b/c I have a bad feeling.

4 Christmases: 2 Days

In true Baby Dream fashion I'm late on yet another holiday post... LOL. I will say that my lack of blogging is due to my insane ambition to keep my mind busy while I tried not to drive myself crazy waiting on my mammogram diagnosis (check out the post below this one on those results). Any how, around this family since my parents are divorced and my mother is estranged from her side of the family while I am not, it means we have 4 Christmases in 2 days time. Most time it works out well as everyone schedules their get-together on a different day at a different time, but this year I ran into a little conflict that I quickly resolved by moving DH's side of the family to another day and time. Everything turned out GREAT for the most part except for missing family members that weren't able to be or choose not to be present. I got to see my little brother for the first Christmas in 5yrs... HUGE plus. There were no family squabbles, and I didn't gain any weight... MAJOR plus. The only things that didn't make it feel like Christmas was it's wasn't snowy outside, instead it was raining and melting of the snow. H*attie and her family, B*lu and her family, and my step-sis A*manda and her family weren't able to/decided not to attend the family gatherings. Otherwise it was the best Christmas in a long shot.

In the Baby Dream household this is how our Christmases went down this year. On Christmas Eve around noon we combined my Dad and little brother with DH's side of the family. Here are some pictures from this event:

Later on Christmas Eve around 4pm we packed up the vehicle full of all the yummy cookies I had been making, the cheesecake, and presents and headed out to my Aunt's house. There we enjoyed lots more family, good food, unwrapped Christmas ornaments from our annual ornament exchange, and then played board games in true family fashion. All this before leaving a little after 9pm to head home and put out cookies and milk for Santa. Here are pics from this gathering:

On Christmas morning was our third Christmas and that was just the 3 of us. Nice quiet and quaint. *B* opened his loot from Santa, we had sticky buns for breakfast, we cleaned up, and then got ready to head out to my Mom's for our fourth and final Christmas. Here is pics from our Christmas of 3:

Our fourth and final Christmas was at my Mom's. More food, more family. Pics from it:

Giving Thanks

I'm always so behind on posting about holidays. I used to be on top of things before I was a mother to my own child (you know when I was mothering H*attie the teenager). Any way, I wanted to right my entry for what I am most thankful for. But first I'll share how this holiday went down in the land of Baby Dreams for all you dreamers (alas that is what I'm going to call you readers now.... dreamers!! YAY!!) So, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, I was stressed to the max, and I didn't want to even be making a Thanksgiving feast let alone dealing with the possible baby name stealing H*attie... that's where.

So, any way I ended up having to do my food shopping for the meal the day before. I had to struggle through the crowds, but I got everything I needed to make a delicious and delightful meal... well everything except cherry pie filling which I ended up substituting to strawberry filling, but no big deal. I got home and I still had a semi-sick boy on my hands, but he was definitely doing alot better than just a few short days before hand when we did a rush trip to the ER at 2am, so I got to work on dinner prep. I made all my desserts, rolled out noodles, boiled chicken, made cucumber salad, put all the casseroles together and in the fridge, and around the stroke of 1am on the day of got my turkey dressed and put in the oven. DH even helped me in the kitchen when *B* went to bed which was simply incredible. Then finally I went to bed close to 2am exhausted and with throbbing feet.

On the day of H*attie, J*ordan, and H*unter showed up early, but it was no big deal we had already been up for about an hour. She came on in and acted like nothing had ever been said between us, and as if she had never done anything wrong. She still doesn't know if she's pregnant, but says she thinks she is as she's over a month late on her AF. Whatever. She did the same old same old that she's done every year since moving out.... sat on the couch and was lazy not offering to help out in the kitchen one bit, and *H* broke through his first 2 teeth and she didn't even want to take care of him really; she just let him cry and cry. (More on her bad parenting in another post... I'm trying to stay positive in this one and be thankful.. right?) So, any way, *H* is still so tiny but he's the tiniest little walker I've ever saw.... it was adorable!! However he was scared to death of us now (being as they haven't been here since *B*'s birthday party on July 5th) and pretty much fussed and shyed away from us the whole time. We ate dinner, everyone got stuffed, and everyone left for me to clean up the mess. (Maybe I should change the title of this entry? I'm sounding unthankful.)

After this we headed to my Grandma's where I figured things would be hugely overwhelming as my Mom's side of the family just seems to keep falling apart and not getting along. It ended up being a great time, except for my cousin's pregnant girlfriend going on and on about how fragile her belly was after wanting to pick up *B*, and him trying to climb her. That was really the only down side for me... I could of done without that. I loved filling my belly for a second time with different types of food there, and I loved sharing all the laughter and love. Just like all the holidays before this one, a tradition I hope to continue on in my own home with my own family in years to come.

So, now to what I'm thankful for:

• I'm extremely thankful to have such a loving, understanding, caring husband who is also an amazing father. He doesn't always make the wisest of decisions and they don't always please me, but he only has everyone's best interest at heart. And even though I wasn't getting along with his sister, he knew that I would of regretted her not being here had I decided to keep my heart of stone.
• I'm thankful for my son. B/c without him I wouldn't have anything to help me get through the day on some days. He filled the hole I had in my heart that infertility left there. He is the light of my life and by far the greatest blessing I could ever ask for.
• I'm thankful for family. Especially the fact that I got to see my little brother for the first time since Halloween'08, which was amazing. They may not always be supportive, and we may butt heads all the time, but I know that they care for me and are always there for me. They help make the holidays bright, and definitely keep the laughter alive when there are times that you just feeling like crying or feel like you're dying inside. They are what have give me the firm and steady foundation of the person that I am today.
• Last but not least I'm thankful for all the things that some people over look such as food, a home, my bills being paid, and all the material things that help make everyday living a little easier. And even though I sometimes think my health is really crappy and I hate my body... I'm even thankful for that.

So, lastly I'll leave you with some pictures of the day that I hope you'll enjoy. (PS: Don't mind the fact that *B* had no pants on in a couple pics... we're still potty training and he thinks that he only needs on underwear or a pull-up with no pants. We're working on the whole it's getting really cold out you have to wear pants too thing, it's just taking awhile.)

PSS: For those of you checking back to see when I'm doing the Christmas Giveaway, I'm going to start it this coming Monday.

Better Late Than Never

I'm so behind on picture posts it's not funny. Anyhow...... I thought I would post a few from some fall fun that we had around here and Halloween before, well before Thanksgiving and Christmas... LOL! We had alot of fun at the pumpkin patch and carving pumpkins this year, as well as outside, and I must say we had the most adorable little T-Rex dinosaur around. Please enjoy!!

**PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE UNABLE TO SEE THIS SLIDESHOW AS I WAS HAVING DIFFICULTIES GETTING IT ON HERE, THANK YOU!!**

It Occured To Me...

today that I needed to make a post. Form last one to this one *B* and I both got better, unfortunately *B* got sick again this week. I'm a complete germaphobe so this is eerie to me. Any way, he has an inner ear infection and strep throat. ARGH! It pretty much sums up that trick-or-treat which him and I have both been looking forward to b/c he looks so damned cute in his T-Rex outfit is in the bag and he won't be going. I'm pretty sure that after the shot in his hip last night he's not contagious 24hrs out, but I'm not taking my chances on him getting worse with our weather going from warm and sunny to cold and rainy in the blink of an eye. So, any way, that's what's going on with him other than him being his terrible Monster self and well being almost completely potty trained, and all of a sudden being afraid of the dark and sleeping in our bed. Otherwise there could be worse issues.

It also occured to me today that I need to spruce up the blog. I had had the old background for far too long and since I (big puffy heart) fall, I figured I do something like that and try to cling on to it while it quickly fades into winter around here. Thanks chicky for showing me the background I love it. And just b/c I didn't want totally steal what you already had I tweaked the colors and fonts and what not. What can I say we've always said we're sisters from other mothers so it's only natural we would like the same thing. LOL.

And... it occurred to me today that here it is the 28th of the month and I'm yet to see AF. So, I when I filled *B*'s prescription today at the pharmacy I bought a test and had to torture myself even though I knew the answer. But you see I had hope b/c I had been regular in AF even when I wasn't doing teatments, I have been moody and very teary eyed here and there for no reason, and I have an increase in appetite and I thought that could be b/c of dieting guess it's is really....b/c no chance. My hope with smashed with the BIGGEST FATTEST NEGATIVE ever. Boo! Here's to hoping I guess. I'm still trying to lose weight to see if that helps jump start something "right" in my ovarian system. Who knows I'm ye of little faith.

So, that about wraps things up around here for this update. The holidays are soon approaching and I'm dreading it. Family drama has already began amongst the extended family and I want to leave the country. And, well I need to get my butt in gear with Christmas shopping so I can check that stresser off my ever growing list. Blessed be to all, and I hope that you're having a wonderful fall!!

Easter

Easter went really well this year. We tried our luck with letting *B* color eggs....or as he calls them "balls". I was a speckled mess at the end from him just dropping them in the cup, and DH had 3 mis-colored fingers. LOL. It was great fun though. I'm the daring one....DH totally against it. Easter morning was nice and peaceful here at the house before we had to make the round trip to family members homes. *B* got up saw his basket and 2 bags of candy from G and Mamaw & Papaw H. Honestly he wasn't worried about tearing into them, he was hungry and wanted food. LOL!! Don't come between my boy and his mealtimes, instant melt down. Finally once I persuaded him that I had started breakfast he wanted the candy and toys. Candy wise he has enough to last him through this Halloween. DH wanted to weigh what he had, and before we went to my side of the family's he had 6lbs of candy, after he had 8.5lbs. OY! Toys he got balls, a plastic golf set, a C*ars kite, bubbles, H*ot Wh*eels cars, and a stuffed dog....plus he got sandals and summer clothes.

Then we had a small little Easter egg hunt for just us, and got ready for the day. He loves hunting eggs and ended up in 4 egg ball hunts. He did really good at it too. He ate lots of yummy food, and a couple of foods that were first for him b/c I don't make them b/c DH or I one don't like them. (I know I know I shouldn't deprive him of trying those foods just b/c we don't like it but I'm not making a serving of it just for my child when I don't know if he'll even like it.) He got to jump or be bounced on a trampoline for the first time and LOVED it. All in all we had a nice day, lots of family bonding with tradition. Here are some pictures for you to enjoy: