Why Her?

I'm serving up a pity party for one tonight. It's a combo of many things etched on my heart and the fact that I'm drugged up on pain pills due to pulling something in my back while giving *B* a bath the other night. Any way, I'm an avid reader of Mckmama's blog. So, earlier as I was reading back through her recent posts that I had missed this past week, when I came across THIS entry she wrote about her newest addition in the cradle that was her's and has went threw each of her children and that she will pass on to one of them. After reading that post I lost it.

I lost it b/c in my family there was a similar item, that was to have a similar set of circumstances. You see, there was this cradle:

My great-grandma and her sister were infants in it. Then when my grandma was born she was an infant in it. My mom and her sisters were infants in it. My grandma kept it and it was to be passed down to her daughter (my mom) for the first grand-daughter (me). My sister and I were both infants in this cradle... it should of went to me. It was intended for me. I got pregnant before my sister TWICE, but both ended in a miscarriage.

So, what does my dysfunctional disheartening mother do??? You guessed it, I'm sure. My sister with her first pregnancy receives MY cradle at her baby shower. The baby shower that I was throwing for my sister b/c I was so happy for her. But, my heart got broken at this baby shower. That was supposed to be my sentimental gift and right of passage. Instead I get some stupid blanket that my mom got at a garage sale that her dogs laid all over. (The tip of the iceberg on the love/hate relationship my mom and I have and how my feelings aren't of value to her at all.)

Now, my sister's three beautiful baby girls have all been infants in this cradle and she intends to pass it on to one of them keeping the tradition (some what). But, what about me? Here I sit almost 4yrs later, and I'm still bitter and hurt. That was supposed to be mine. The one that I received and passed it on to my child and be stilled in him the heritage that went along with it. Something my sister won't do, and doesn't care about. I'll never have that, and I don't understand why my mom choose favorites in her children, and why it had to be my sister. What did I ever do in this life or a past life to have things so bitter sweet on so many levels?

I Want That...

The other night I was talking to my sister on the phone and she was getting ready for bed. Her DH is in the Army and he was getting ready to go to bed, but she wasn't quite ready yet (I think this is because she was on the phone to me, but she would never admit that...LOL). Any how they got to laughing and joking around about the night before when they were in bed and their oldest daughter came in and climbed in bed with them. Her DH said it was "A Giggle-Fest" with both them in bed. After a few more minutes of conversation she told me she'd like to get off the phone with me so she could go to bed with B*ryan before he fell asleep. I Want That!!

My DH has worked midnight shifts for along time now. In the beginning I didn't mind it so much because it was worked better for us. We were night people raising a teenager, whom let's face it was a night person too. Now, we have *B*. DH still works nights. Granted it's only 3- 12hr shifts one week and 4- 12hr shifts (7pm-7am) the next week (lather, rinse, repeat) leaving him at home with us a huge chunk of the time, but it still sucks. His sleep schedule is still the same even on his days off usually. He is still the night person and I am now the day person (kinda, I stay up late 1am-ish and wake up early 9-10am-ish). But I do want to be able to sleep with my husband and have normal people hours, and not have to keep my child quiet throughout the day while he sleeps. But most of all I don't want us to feel like we're seeing each other in the passing and spending very little time together, anymore. I Want That.

For even more I Want That feelings... the following day I went into Wal-Mart to do some shopping. I hate going alone with only *B* as he doesn't like to stay in the cart or near the cart these days. While I was in there I ran into a girl that I was really good friends with in high school, but since then we've lost touch. She was in there with her 3 children and was visibly pregnant with another. She was dressed in nursing scrubs, didn't look frazzled at all, had the "glow", and was very patient with her children. We talked for about 10min. She told me she worked in a Dr's office doing medical billing, she was married to so-in-so, they were due in April with #4 and it was a surprise this one but they are done now and one of them is getting fixed, etc. I Want That!!

I was supposed to go on to medical school after high school. I had the scholarship and everything. Shoot me in the foot, because I choose my DH and family making instead only to realize later on I would struggle at that, and it would be the ultimate struggle of my marriage, faith, relationships, and life. I was supposed to be the one with 4 kids by now.... okay maybe not 4, but 2 with one on the way at least (we only want 3, but we're not choosy or greedy). I want the "glow" from another bun in the oven damn it. Oh and for that bun to be a surprise because we didn't have to try or go to the RE for help because we have PCOS and hypothyroidism. I want to be able to even think about having the choice of whether I should have a tubal or DH a vasectomy, because our family is complete and our baby making days are done. I want to have patience with *B*, and him not ride my very last nerve all day everyday. I want to look and seem so put together that I'm envied, instead of telling my sad sob infertility story to her feeling like a stranger instead of a long lost friend, breaking down and bawling in Wal-Mart, and then hoping nobody saw me or that I run into her again because I now feel like an emotional basket case. Sigh..... I really want all of that.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Tonite has been a difficult night and the emotional roller coaster hasn't came to a stop yet. I have to admit that taking care of an on the mend child with one good arm has posed to be a task in and of itself. I really can't wait until March 4th when I get this hot pink cast off my broken non-surgery needing appendage. My house chores are piling up and I feel like I'm constantly walking through and looking at clutter. I couldn't take it any more tonite and I had a break down on the phone with my little brother's mom. Bless her heart she came and saved the night and helped me out. She washed my dishes for me, bathed *B*, and scrubbed stains out of some clothes so I could throw them in the washer. I feel so helpless at times (you'd be amazed at the things you do that you need 2 thumbs for and what you can't do when one is casted up), and like I'm a burden on others so I don't open my mouth and ask for help. However I'm scared to ask for help at times too, b/c I don't want people to think I'm helpless or incapable when clearly I'm not.... just a little handicapped for the moment. And I fear being told "No!" just as if I were a child or teenager, as funny as that sounds.

While she was here though she got the tears a flowing talking about the past and how my Dad has been and snapped out of and is slowly falling back into a lifestyle I dread. We talked about how DH almost a year ago made me give my dogs away and I felt like I was giving away a piece of my heart and my children, just b/c they "locked up" while the one was in heat. We talked about how my Dad has the one dog, and he lives right next door and I know he doesn't care for him appropriately but how DH refuses to let me have him back. And she even cared enough to sit and listen to my complete infertility battle that she didn't know about, and how we're struggling again and we can't afford to do another injectible cycle for awhile b/c we've tapped out all our savings and have crappy insurance that doesn't cover that part of it (or anything really unless it's diagnostic). It felt good to talk to someone that didn't have a clue about infertility, but listened thee entire time and cared whole heartedly.

But of course she had to leave and go home so I'm left here with a brain full of scramble working overtime. So, here I sit serving up a pity party of one, b/c while DH and I both know our fertility fate and the course of treatment telling another person makes it more real.... and well that makes my heart break. I've just been having a hard time dealing with this and feeling really overwhelmed with the mix of everything else. It doesn't help that I have friends and family having babies #2, 3, 4, etc. Or that I have very few in real life people that have been through what I have been through (scratch that actually.... maybe a fraction of what I've been through) and I don't feel as though I can really connect to them. Trust me I try, but our stories and battles are so different now. Plus I offer support (I've always been a giver) but I feel like now when I need it the most they're not doing the same for me. I realize they each have their own lives no big deal, but seriously is it to much to answer the phone when I call and say I'm busy versus me getting voicemail all the time? Guess so. There is one specifically that I don't want to go into name or much detail about, but I just feel betrayed and lied to and manipulated and put off by her constantly. I guess keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

All I know is tonite I long for another child something fierce. *B* talks about wanting Mommy to give him a brother (personally I'd like a sister but healthy is all that matters), and my heart aches. I wish TTC weren't this difficult or such a money suck for us. All I can do is continue to pray that possibly between now and then I either win the lottery to pay for treatments or I'm blessed with a natural conception again. *sigh*

Just An Unbearable Day

Today started out crappy just all around. I started out thinking that just 3yrs ago today I saw those 2 beautiful lines on a pregnancy test blessing me with my adorable little man. It depresses me b/c it has been that long and I feel like I have a hole in my heart wanting the baby #2. I know I should be content with the miracle of having just one b/c there are many out there still trying for #1, but my family just doesn't feel complete yet so I long for that next child. (This feeling was before I went to bed, and I had me a good cry.) Then I wake up to drum roll please..... AF make her grand appearance. Now I know why I've been this emotional wreck for a week. Thank you pre-PMS. Well, the day went on and I was feeling better some what. I've done some cleaning, baked some cookies, put a rack of ribs in the crock pot. Then I get a phone call from my sister who's been lacking in having time for me lately with having a house-full of company and have been having health problems of her own. She drops a bomb on me. She's pregnant for #3. I had had a dream about her and my cousin that I'm close to last week. That they would both be pregnant by Christmas. One down one to go. I'm happy for her, scared very b/c she's been having problems with her liver, but it doesn't keep my heart from hurting no less. Here we are struggling to see those two lines for #2 and she's only been off her bcps a month and a half and see the BFP. I'm trying to be strong and supportive for her..... but at the same time it's soooooo hard. I just wish I could be pregnant again already. Is that to freakin' much to ask???

Completely Moved and The Lowdown Otherwise

I swear I think we moved in record timing. We found out about the new place, signed the papers, and in a week we were packed and moved out of the old place. Our ex-landlady is smoking hot mad too, but whatever. Her daughter (who was my friend) is also now a bad-mouther of sorts. They've just been running DH and I into the ground about moving and giving "said landlady" only a week and a half notice. Guess it doesn't matter any way.... I found out today she's got the old place rented already, so I'm not exactly sure what her problem is except the fact that she's an "itch" with a capital "B". Enough with the crap though.

So, we're moved. I LOVE THE NEW PLACE!!! I can not say that enough. We doubled our sq. footage, and we're buying it on land contract right now. Well, here's the deal actually.... DH and I have a couple discrepancies on our credit report that we're currently paying on. We told the current owner of this, and he agreed to make a contract that we would pay him a set monthly amount for one year, then he would take half the amount that we paid for the year and use that as a down payment for us. At the end of the year we can try to see if we can get a loan (fingers crossed we're able to), if not he'll continue to take the amount agreed upon monthly until we have paid him in full the amount he is asking for the house, garage, and property. So, either way at the end of so many years we'll be home owners whether it be through him or a bank/finance company.

In the midst of all the moving AF never arrived. I'm totally aggravated by this, and my Dr. is stumped as to why after directly coming off bcps I didn't start. I'm assuming the stress factor had alot to do with it, but whatever. Any way, I start taking pro*metrium tomorrow night for the issue. Also, *drum roll please* my protocol was changed on treatments. Not entirely, but I bypassed a step I wasn't looking forward too repeating, and I'm getting right down to business. I'm doing Clo*mid (as I mentioned) but now combined with Men*opur. As of right now my directions are to take the oral meds CD3-7, then on CD8, CD10, and CD12 (if need be) inject myself with 150iu of the injectible. I've done this before. Right before *B*, and resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I must say I'm scared, petrified actually; but there is a large part of me that is super excited and I have so much faith in this and I have a calmness.... almost like a knowing that this is the right cycle and the right time. It's strange. It took alot of persuading on my part to get my Dr. to get down to business, but I put it on the line for him that I would just seek out a Dr. that would and he would lose me as a patient and my money....and BOOM! he was writing out the scripts.

In other news..... my fun loving sister makes her way home in exactly one month. I'm looking forward to it. I miss her desperately, and I'm glad she'll be here for *B*'s 2nd birthday. Also, just for mentioning purposes my brother's fiancee is pregnant again for their third and her youngest isn't even one yet. I hate how they can just have kids without jobs and a means to an end, and here DH and I sit struggling and craving something that comes easily to them. Also, I found out today via another internet site that landlady's daughter who took Clo*mid only 2 cycles got a BFP today. She never had ovulation problems just longer than normal cycles, but begged her Dr. to put her on it, and he did. I guess it makes me a low person for praying it wouldn't happen to her before it happened to me, but it has so now I guess I have to be happy for her? Or maybe not. I'm so offended by everything that's happened that I don't know whether to be her friend or her enemy. I guess what I've always heard is true..."Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." I just don't really have a happy feeling for either of these people's pregnancies, and it pains me to admit but I think the bitterness of infertility is coming back to me with a vengeance.

Pregnancy Loss and Other Baby Ramblings

One of my friends that I spoke about in the last entry miscarried over the weekend. She had a D&C done today. I feel bad for her, and I feel guilty myself b/c I was jealous of her and her pregnancy, plus I wasn't all that nice to her about the situation. She's really needed a friend through all this, and obviously I must of been doing something right, b/c her DH told me tonite that she's wanted to call me all day since she got home, but everytime she picked up the phone she burst into to tears. So, when I went to her house to check up on her, I could tell she had been crying her face lit up and she smiled. I gave her a hug and she let out a huge sigh. I think that my being there for her was exactly what she needed. Please keep her and her family in your prayers if you pray b/c she definitely needs them.

On a more positive note, my step-brother's g/f found out she's having a girl as well. So, I'm expecting 2 nieces thus far in the middle of summer.

Infertility=Being Knowlegible About Pregnancy???

I'd like to know when this became true for me or anyone else that has dealt with IF for that matter. It bothers me how every pregnant person I know comes to me for answers. I mean don't they have Dr.'s for that for goodness sakes??? I didn't have anywhere near a textbook conception or TTC period for that matter. I definitely didn't have a textbook pregnancy or delivery. And, I know I'm not a textbook parent. So, why do they ask me?? Maybe I offer good advice, who knows. It does bother me though.

My one friend called me tonite to ask me about government benefits once you become pregnant. While I can't knock getting help from the gov't b/c I did while I was pregnant and my DH was laid-off from work, she wasn't asking about during pregnancy benefits, but long-term benefits. That irks me. I understand those out there who get help b/c of unfortunate events in their lives, and those that get help b/c of a disability or whatever else. What I don't get is that there is nothing wrong with her and she works as little as she can get by with, and her DH stays at home with their child already and doesn't work. Then she proceeds to tell me she's pregnant, which I gathered from our Q&A session. So, this is what bothers me they can barely afford the child and their lifestyle now, and they have a new baby on the way. Alright so maybe this is that infertile rage in me coming out, but I just don't get it. However I gritted my teeth while we spoke and then congradulated her at the end of our conversation.

Any way, back to the title. After all the gov't questions she went on to ask me about pregnancy and bleeding/spotting (which apparently she's having). Then she wanted to know what she should do, b/c she's all excited and doesn't want this not to be true. The only advice I could give her is the advice I would use myself and did when I was spotting early in my pregnancy with *B*: if it's brown it's old blood, anything lasting longer than 5days see a Dr., pink may be from irritation but if you have had no such irritation see a Dr., and red to the ER or Dr. immediately. I tried to calm her fears I guess, and I know and remember all to fondly how she probably feels, but I'm not sure if I helped and honestly helping her bothered me.

Let me elaborate on why before anyone jumps to conclusions....I'm feeling that pain of infertility again. That gut wrenching horrible feeling. The yearning and the wanting, all the emotions. I love my baby, and I would love to have another, b/c #2 will hopefully fill that void and completely our family, but there is always that doubt of what if it doesn't. I often wonder if I will always feel this way. I mean I have one child who amazes me everyday whom I love and adore and still I want more. I just don't get it, am I wired or programmed work??? We're not trying at the moment and that is what I want, but still after finding out yet another person in my life is pregnant that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I don't know if I'm still infertile, but I can only assume that I am. I just don't want the heartache anymore, and I definitely would love to not have to "try" for #2. I would love for it to just happen like it did for all those who told me about their BFPs. They didn't think about it, and surely it didn't consume every moment of their lives before then. So, why does it me???

Infertility and dealing with it has been a curse and a blessing. I mean in aspects of conceiving I think I know all there is to know about every way possible b/c of researching it endlessly before *B*. Pregnancy maybe just the same, I researched endlessly the normal pregnancy, and then when my complications arose I researched them to their depths as well. (I didn't research every complication or pregnancy type out there just specifically topics related to mine.) Parenting read alot of the books, but nothing is textbook with parenting every child is unique and while somethings I've learned are helpful I know there is lots more to learn. So, I'm blessed to be knowlegible about the things I do know, but the curse is b/c I know those things EVERYONE I know that is pregnant comes to me for answers. And, simply talking about pregnancy and conceiving tears at my already previously shredded heart, b/c of my past ordeals.

*Sigh.* I just want to know when my feeling like this will end??? And, more so when will people realize that it bothers me when they share their good news now even though I have *B*?Better yet when will people actually learn about infertility, and understand it, and then grasp the fact that even though those of us that have battled inferility and won are still scarred with that mark of the capital "I"???

They're EVERYWHERE!!!

Just today I found out that two of my friends are pregnant. So, that makes a total of five people in my life that are expecting. I'm handling the news well, where in recent days I would be eating myself into oblivion from my depression, with a box of tissues by my side, between my sobs. Instead I held my baby close, and cuddled him while he fought night-night time. I know that my chance for #2 will come soon enough, and we are trying but not like we did while TTC#1, which became more of a chore than the art of making love. So, any way, once again while I am envious of them I continue to smile and grit my teeth, and bask in the presence of the child I currently would move heaven and earth for.

It MUST Be in the Water....

NO I'm NOT Pregnant!!! Although I wish. I bet that is what you were thinking with that title, weren't you??? The fact of the matter is the majority of my siblings are expecting. I just found out last night, and already I feel that "I WANT A BABY MORE THAN ANYTHING.....RIGHT NOW!!!" syndrome sneaking up on me. I have 2 step-sisters, a step-brother, and a sister that I'm very close with. Of those four, three are expecting. I have many choice words I could say about each particular situation, but instead, I say "Congrats," grit my teeth, and bare the fact that I will be an aunt to three more addtions to our family all within the month of July 2008. I'm irritated by this, b/c I know how my mother and step-father work, and that puts *B* on the back burner big time!!! One of these births will be a first for the baby of the group, so she'll recieve alot of attention, one is my sister who is due directly on *B*'s first birthday, and the other well his child is already the favored one, b/c he's the only boy and it was his first child, now with my luck he'll have the next girl and he lives close therefore more attention.

Of course I probably sound like an attention seeking hog, but damnit my baby deserves to have attention too, and I know with all these new additions he's not going to get it. Plus, well it was a long drawn out struggle for him to be in this world, and I don't want a single milestone nor moment of his life to go un-noticed, if you KWIM??? Problem is that is exactly what is going to happen.

I know this for a fact, b/c my sister hasn't been home for very long, and while my mom was calling me everyday to check on me and *B*, since Christmas and my attitude (we had the flu and Mom insisted on us coming to her house any way) I haven't received a single phone call from her. Now tell me, is that not favoritism toward my sister and her daughter? I think it is. I mean I know I live closer than her, but there are times when I visit my Mom she still talks to my sister on the phone. Not to mention that my sister does live a distance away, and she hasn't even lived there as long as I've lived where I do, and the total of visits my mother has actually been inside my house and sat down and visited I can count on one hand, where my sister on the other hand can't. That is pathetic. I guess I should just chalk it up to I'm not the favored child. I know I never got a fair amount of attention growing up, things were never equal between myself and my siblings, but I will be damned if I let my child go through the same heart ache with them not being equal from his grandparents while growing up; that I did from my parents growing up. I refuse!!!

So, we'll see how his attention from them and these pregnancies play out. I guarantee you though that I WILL be putting my foot down in this matter if *B* isn't treated the same and shown the same amount of attention. In the meantime, DH and I are going to work on that syndrome I have......send some sticky *~*~*BABYDUST*~*~* this way, and wish us luck. Hugs to all!!!

I Should Be Happier.....

****Word of Wise to my sister, please DO NOT take offense to this entry, but I have these things on my mind, and I need to put them down somewhere so I'm not filled with frustration.****

But I'm not. I love my little sister don't get me wrong. She's an EXCELLENT mother, but today's news of pregnancy #2 came as a shock and a heart ache to me. I know it's all that infertility mumbo jumbo coming out in me, b/c even though I have my wonderful miracle I still get that pang of jealousy and that knot of anger in the depths of my gut with every BFP announcement I hear, especially ones that come from my siblings. This baby I will love just as I love my neice now, which is with all my heart. BUT (yes there is always a but with me) I'm mad DAMNIT!!!! I tried for going on 6yrs to have *B*, went through God awful treatments that NEVER friggin' worked, and here she is not even trying b/c her DH was getting deployed for his third tour to Iraq on Oct.27th for a 15month stretch and BAM! she's pregnant. She's due around my little man's first birthday, which bothers me the most about the whole thing. I know I can't control when the baby actually comes, but I'm afraid that her due date being at this time his birthday isn't going to be that important, b/c everyone will be worrying about her as her pregnancy will be at it's end. And well, with her DH being gone and all I know the family members that count the most probably will not be at *B*'s first birthday party, b/c they will want to be in KY to give her support while delivering baby#2.

Then there is all his first holidays coming this year now, and with her planning on being up here from KY, I'm afraid that *B*'s first major events will be put to the wayside, b/c everyone will be making a big fuss of her and her growing belly. He's only 4months old, and I now feel that the next 8months aren't going to be that important to everyone about him. I may be wrong, but damnit.....I want him to be the center of attention, b/c he truely is a miracle, b/c nobody ever thought that he would be in this world, and here he is and now he has to compete with the new baby to be.

Lastly is that pang of jealousy in me. I'm supposed to be the most fertile right now up to *B*'s first birthday, and here we are not really trying but not preventing and nothing is happening. I'm still freaking late, and POAS as well as bloodwork before my oral surgery has no BFP in sight. I wanted to be first at something "good" in my family for once, but that again hasn't happened. She will be first at having 2 children. And even though she will have her hands full being a single mother for 6months after the new baby is born until her DH returns....I am JEALOUS!!! God, I wish this green monster would get off my back. Then there is the way that my family approaches me with information on these types of things. I don't want them to walk on egg shells having to watch everything that they say, but the scars on infertility on my heart are deep and ever-lasting, and just b/c I have *B* doesn't mean that they have went away. FAR FROM IT ACTUALLY!!! So, when I am more mature now and I don't scream, cuss, cry, and shout about the issue, I still wish that they would be sympathetic to the situation. They are not. I told my mom how I felt tonite after I knew that my sister had told her, and her response was you may be telling us the same thing in Jan. when you start trying again. That is not what you say to someone whose heart is vulnerable in the situation. Just understand I'm hurting and let me know that you are there for me WITHOUT taking sides, and then be supportive, but most of all let the news sink in, and let me adjust before offering your subtle comments on the issue at hand.

CONGRATS are in order for you Blu, and I am happy for you HONESTLY. It's just news like this still hurts to hear. Hopefully someday it will get easier, I'm just sorry that today wasn't the day. I love you, and can't wait to enjoy all your pregnancy moments. Good Luck and Belly Rubs!!!