Chugging Along & A Loss in the Family

I'm currently 25w3d pregnant, and things are moving along smoothly. We found out that we are having another girl. Naming her has been nothing but complicated. We will find a name that we like but then end up finding out another family member or a family friend has the same name. So, then we go looking another name. At this rate she may very well come into the world nameless unfortunately.

Speaking of pregnancy I have to take the 3hr GTT , again. So not thrilled. My OB said in early pregnancy sometimes the mother can have GD & not know it b/c the body masks its symptoms. I'm hoping I pass it. I feel nothing like I did with *A* this go around, so we will see. Pray I pass it b/c I don't want to have to take insulin & feel like I'm starving myself by following the diabetic diet.

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In other news... my aunt recenty passed away. I feel numb to the loss so far, but I'm sure the tears will fall at her service. The hardest part has been dealing with my Dad. It was his sister that passed & she was younger than him. He's been taking it rough. He even threatened suicide the other day which has taken a toll on me. Him and I have a love-hate relationship 90% of the time, however losing my Dad would kill me. Since, I'm the oldest my siblings have been looking to me take care of him and watch after him so he doesn't do anything stupid. Emotionally speaking from my stand pojnt, I can't deal with the stress while I'm pregnant. Truth be told I'd rather just avoid the situation. I'm hoping once my aunt is buried though that things with my Dad will calm down, but it's hard to tell.

Just please if you read and you are a rayi,g person, pray for peace at heart and mind for my family. Thank you.

Hormonal Train Wreck

I passed the 3hr GTT, but everything has went downhill from there. :(

Actually I've been on this head-on collision course with an emotional breakdown since I found out I was pregnant. Such as with my last two pregnancies that I carried out of the first trimester I was a basket case, cried at the drop of a dime. This pregnancy I've been bitchy. REALLY bitchy! Well tonight I just let it all out. My poor DH, he doesn't know what to think. But seriously how the hell do you father children & not pay attention to them?!?! My kids want to be up his arse when he's not working & that is a burden to him. You've heard of last fling before the ring... how about last fling before baby?!?! Argh! His friends are much more important than his present kids, pregnant wife, and/or family. Ugh!!!!!

Going to try to breathe & carry on but it's hard to think pleasant thoughts when things are less than ideal. :-(

Dusting Off the Blog

Hi Everyone! Remember me??

It's hard to believe that it's been almost 2yrs since my last post. Time sure does fly when you're having fun, right? So, any way here's a brief update on the Baby Dreams family...

I have an almost 7yr old & an almost 3yr old. WOW! hat seems crazy to me. *B* is grong like a weed. He'll be a 2nd grader in the fall. He's really into sports, too. Right now we're in the midst of t-ball season with him. DH & I have been coaching his team for the last 2yrs. That is an adventurous task for anyone that's not ever done it. Having 10-15 kids that are 4-6yrs old... yeah alot of patience is required At the end of next month he'l be starting football (one of my favorite sports!) & I'm excited to see how he does. :)

*A* is also growing, but more like at a snails pace, as I say. LOL! She's still our Little Miss. While she loves to be all dressy, have her little bit of hair done, & her nails painted; she still likes to get down & dirty and play in the mud with her brother's trucks. She's my little country princess. She also loves sports. When we go to the ball field for game day, she's all about throwing the ball too while the other kids warm-up. Right now I'm trying to potty train her. It's a hit & miss ordeal, nothing like her brother was. I wish she would get the hang of it, so we can get her out of diapers & pull-ups b/c....
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I'm pregnant!!! Yep, I'm completely cliche & sound like the 16 & Pregnant show. LOL! Any way, I'm 14w2d today. This pregnancy has been nothing textbook at all. I had low rising progesterone & had to have PIO shots until a couple days shy of 11wks. The baby had a low heart rate in the beginning. I.had a blood hemangioma in/near my uterus (it's aborbed now). p've had cramping & minor spotting. And, I've already failed my 1hr GTT that I had to take b/c I had GD with *A*. I have to take the 3hr GTT this Wed. :( So, not looking fwd to that! Or the potential of me having GD again. Otherwise I'm just a plugging along in this pregnancy.

So' that's my uodate in a nutshell. I'm going to "try" to update regularly now that I'm pregnant again, but I'm not making any promises. Having 2 active little ones makes it hard.

4th of July

Our 4th was spent leisurely hanging out in our pool. Nothing special or too over the top for a change which I really liked. We just spent it as a family of four. We had our own little cookout & went to our local fairgrounds to watch the fireworks. They were short lived by a severe thunderstorm that rolled in before they were over. After it passed we just sat on our front porch letting *B* do sparklers & listening to the thunder off in the distance. Nothing big like I said, but that is how I like it these days.

Hanging out in the pool before the fireworks

 My little firecrackers decked out in their red, white, & blue

 Mommy & *A*

 *B* doing sparklers

Mommy & her babies in our 4th of July best



Playing Catch Up

I can't believe it's been so long since I've wrote anything here. I think about writing all time, but finding time with two completely clingy hands-on all the time children is very difficult. Let's see where should I begin... probably the beginning... lol! Ok so I'm just going to do a highlight reel.

Let's see, after I last wrote me and my kids played revolving sickies swap every 3wks until about the end of March. *B* would bring us something new & exciting (hence the sarcasm here) home from school, then he wouldn't stay out of *A*'s face, and well I was caring for them both while DH worked so we all had it. By the time I got him better I was sick and *A* was just starting to get better he would bring us something else home. The boy can't seem to keep him hands or mouth off of germy things. That really took alot out of us/me. The worst things was the bronchitis he caught and brought home at Thanksgiving time that gave me walking pneumonia and gave *A* RSV. Oh and then there was pink eye which seemed to last in our house even with washing EVERYTHING down for 2 whole months. Come to find out it was on a toy he was playing with at school that the teacher wasn't cleaning and that's how he kept bringing it back. Thank God pre-school is out now, but I'm dreading kindergarten this fall.

In mid-December we got another BFP. Shocked? Yep, so were we. That was short lived though as I fell through the cracks during the holidays & with my low rising progesterone issues the little bean didn't stick. In fact I still wonder what happened, b/c at the first ultrasound in early 2012 there was nothing at all (even though I was still getting BFPs) except for a thickening on one side of my uterus and it looked spongey where the follicle/embryo "might" of implanted. Yet there was nothing to indicate m/c at this point. So, I was given three options on what to do and I chose a medicine that would start my bleeding so I was expel whatever was in my body of a pregnancy and after 7-10 days of bleeding if it hadn't slowed I was to start & stay on bcps to regulate my AFs, prevent further pregnancies, & shrink the large cyst that was found on my right ovary. Can I just say as a person who has only ever used bcps for short periods of time to reduce cyst sizes in my entire life... I HATE THE SIDE EFFECTS OF BCPS!!

In the spring *A* started pulling herself up before she learned how to crawl. She still isn't walking, but she's now a super fast crawler & cruises along everything. *B* graduated pre-school & is all set to start kindergarten in the fall. DH started talking to his sisters again after H*attie had a home fire where her, her husband, & step-children lost everything. At that time H*attie informed us she signed away her rights to *H* & he was adopted by his new step-mom. I started trying to have a better relationship with my Mom this past spring after she had a heart-attack & I realized life is way too short to worry about all the other things but your family.

And those are the significant high-lights I can remember. I'm sure there's more but they must not be that important or I'd be able to remember them better. All this has brought those who still check in on me from time to time up to speed for this summer, and I'm going to try to write at least once a week as I can remember. I mean *B*'s 5th birthday just passed & I need to write about that, and *A*'s 1st birthday is right around the corner. Plus, I've gotten some devastating health news recently I need to write about. So, stick around there will be more to come in the coming days & weeks.

*A* Made Top 5 & Still Needs Your Votes!!!

If you voted for my daughter to help her get to the Top 5 (or even if you didn't), she's now in the Top 5. So, I need your help to make her #1!! This is for all the marbles. Just click the link below if you have an FACEBOOK account (you don't have to tell me that you did it, especially if you blog annonymously) and then "LIKE" her picture to earn her a vote. Voting ends Friday (9/30/11) at 9pm CST. Thanks for all your help.

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR *A* TO MAKE HER #1!!

Please Vote For The Little Miss!!

*A* was entered in a photo contest for her adorable headbands that I'm always putting on her. Right now I'm trying to get her into the Top 5 in the contest, so... If you have a Facebook account could you please click on the link below and vote for *A* for me? All you have to do is "Like" her photo and then leave a comment to seal the deal. Thank ya'll so much!!

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR *A*!!

Allergies & Post-partum Visit

I can't hardly believe that today Little Miss *A* is 6wks old. It doesn't hardly seem possible that she could be this old already. She's getting more consistant about her sleeping schedule at night. She'll take a bottle around 10pm, then one around 2-3am, and then 6am. After each feeding she goes straight back to sleep until the 6am feeding then she wants to be awake. Usually throughout the day after each feeding she is awake for anywhere from 1-3hrs and then just catnaps for 30min-1hr when she does sleep. At each feeding she is now eating 2.5oz (75ml's).

She had to go to the Dr. today to be seen for a rash that is all over her head and neck. While we were there she was weighed and measured. She now weighs 7lbs12oz and is 19in. This still puts her in the 5th percentile on preemie growth charts. Any way, we were there for her rash. As it turns out she has a severe allergy to something. Her pediatrician asked if we did anything different (which we hadn't), and said it could be anything from our body soap, to lotion, to perfume/cologne, to laundry detergents. He told us to change each thing one at a time to something that was scent-free and dye-free if we thought it was something we were using. After thinking about if we had changed anything different I remember that the Pu*rex scent crystals scent I had been using I had changed to another scent. So I'm going to quit using that and see if it helps. In the meantime we have to use hydrocortisone .5% cream on her affected areas.

I also had my 6wk post-partum visit today. Everything is looking good, and I was advised against unprotected intercourse for the next year. The OB asked if there was a type of birth control that I had used before for prevention, and there hasn't been. There has only been BCPs I've used to reduce cysts. He asked what we planned on using for birth control, and honestly other than condoms and DH getting the big V after the first of the year I hadn't thought about it. We are definitely done with our one boy and one girl... but I don't think that preventing is something that we should have to worry about with all the IF issues we have faced. I know that we've conceived both of our babies naturally without the help of medical intervention when we had given up trying so it can and could happen again, but preventing just isn't for me or us. I feel that even though I've went through 2 rough pregnancy & deliveries, and had 1 preemie that if God (or devine intervention at this point) intends for us to conceive another child before the big V, then that is what will happen. In the meantime condoms it is... when we're not to tired to do all that and when we remember.

Quality Time

Today I spent quality time with the Little Miss, while DH and The Monster spent time together. The Monster has really been feeling left out since *A* arrived, but not so much today. Him and DH went to what us country folk call fun... the mud runs. It's this huge mud pit that trucks, jeeps, SUVs, and 4-wheelers drive threw trying to get the fastest time to win money. The Monster got to play in the mud and get down & dirty. He came home and couldn't quit talking about it... him or DH. I wish I could of went, but instead I stayed home, caught up on sleep with the Little Miss, and was kept updated via text messages. Here are some pictures of my baby boy having fun.

Starting to play in the mud

With his Uncle getting ready to ride in a truck

Going on his mud run

Playing in the mud



More mud play



Showing off his muddy self

His cute chubby & muddy self all done playing and ready to go home

Pre-School Woes

I'm so furious with *B*'s pre-school teacher right now I could spit nails.

In *B*'s class there is a folder that is sent to and from school everyday, it's a communication folder so that the teacher and parent can communicate between one another about the child. Last week on his first day of pre-school she sent home the folder and had wrote in there that *B* had wiped his own butt when he had pooped earlier that day & she had spot checked him. For most this isn't a huge thing, but for *B* it was his first time doing this all by himself without assistance. Well, that evening when it was bath time and he took aff his underwear he had poop marks in them. I was upset about this and had asked *B* about his teacher's so-called "spot checking." He then told me that when he wiped and the TP was clean that the teacher said he was clean and to get off the toilet and pull up his pants.

So, all last weekend I observed him wiping his own butt. He would get the TP up to his crack on his buttcheek only grazing the poop and not up in there where it needed to be. Therefore he wasn't getting himself clean. So, when he went back to school on Tuesday I wrote in his communication folder what I had observed, what he had told me, and that I would appreciate her help in the matter of making sure he's clean so that he doesn't end up with a sore bottom. She wrote me back and asked me to send flushable wet wipes to school with him which I did, and we haven't had a problem with that since.

That combined with what happened yesterday and the phone call I got today is what has sent me over the edge. On Tuesday when she sent the communication folder home she had wrote in there that with lunch *B* had complained about a belly ache after drinking milk and asked if he had problems with it. She said that if he wanted to get cafeteria lunch again that maybe it would be best for me to sent a drink with him instead of him getting a milk. Being that when he was younger he was lactose intolerant reading this bothered me. So, yesterday when he wanted a cafeteria lunch again I packed in his lunchbox with an ice pack a capri sun, a fruit cup of pears (b/c listed on the lunch menu was peaches & he's allergic to peaches), and a packet of fruit snack... that's it. I sent in his communication folder his envelope with his lunch money for a tray lunch just as he had asked for. When they did lunch count that morning the teacher & aide never asked him about a cafeteria lunch they just took for granted that b/c he had a lunchbox that he had a fully packed lunch.

He went to lunch yesterday and opened his lunchbox. The teacher observed what he had in his lunchbox and asked him where his sandwich was. His reply to her was I guess Mommy forgot b/c sissy had her up early this morning (4:30am she got me up, 5:45am she woke him up with her crying). The teacher let him go at that. She never bothered to get him a tray lunch to make up for his lack of a lunch or even go to the office to give me a quick call at home to see what was going on. She let him eat that & only that. So then, at 2pm yesterday I recieve a phone call from her b/c she is just now getting to his communication folder and seeing that he was supposed to have a tray lunch along with what was in his lunchbox. Her call wakes me from a nap I was taking with *A* so I wasn't on my game when she called. She apologizes for the mix up. Says that he's at rest time but he's tossing and turning not falling asleep. I tell her that he's not going to if his belly is empty. She says snack time is in 10min, and she'll fix him up. I'm not reassured at all, and I get off the phone and bawl like a baby for him.

After picking him up from school yesterday and bringing him home he proceeds to eat two and a half slices of pizza and starts falling asleep sitting at the table while trying to finish the third slice. I have him to go lay in his bed. He then sleeps from 4pm yesterday evening until 7am this morning. He even slept through me changing him into his pjs. After him doing this and getting my head on straight about the situation I realize that what happened to him was unacceptable. So, I write in the communication folder in as polite of manner as I could that all I was doing was following what she had instructed earlier in the week about a juice. That it wasn't acceptable to me, and that I wish she would of called right at lunchtime (11am) when she noticed there was no sandwich instead of 3hrs later when she read his folder and instead of letting it go thinking that what he had said was the accurate & acceptable.

After she read my letter to her in the folder she called me and told me that I as a parent was belittling her as a teacher. That she couldn't handle the verbal beatdown I was giving her for the two mistakes, and she is only one teacher with 15 students. She asked if I wanted to switch him teachers or unenroll him from school. I told her that that was like punishing him for something that wasn't his fault, but her's and that I was not doing that. I know that he likes school (up until today when I took him and went to leave him this morning and he cried so hard he puked in his mouth, so I had to take him to the bathroom to get him cleaned up to which he threw sobs says to me Mommy don't leave me they don't take good care of me, they don't feed me) and her as a teacher. I know that mistakes happen, I just don't want these type of mistakes happening to my child or any child for that matter, and that she needed to make things right to him and for him. She told me she would, and I hope to God that she does or the end of his pre-school days will be over before they ever truly begin... simply b/c I don't want to have to worry about him for those 6hrs a day.

One Month Old

Little Miss *A*,

Today you are one month old. It hardly seems that you can be this old already. Maybe it's b/c you have only been home from the hospital for 2wks, so to me it feels as though you're only 2wks old. Earlier this week you had your 2wk home from the hospital post-partum check up for growth and development to make sure that you are staying on track. You weighed 6lbs15oz and was 18.75in at this appt. You are still my petite little preemie, and even on the preemie charts this only puts you in the 5th precentile for growth & development. I guess that would be why you are still in preemie sized clothing and why they are still a little big on you.

Since you have been home we have been allowed to let you sleep as long as you will sleep at night before waking and wanting a bottle. The longest that you have went has been 4hr15min straight. However, you have your days and nights super confused and when you wake for a bottle between 3-4am you want to stay awake until the sun rises. I blame this on you being in the NICU since they always would weigh, measure, bathe, and do your other vitals on night shift at the start of a new day (usually early morning hours)... thus you are confused. I'm hoping that as you get older we can change this.

You are still wanting to eat every 3hrs usually, except for your stretch at night but that is pretty close to 3hrs too. The amount that you take is still a struggle too. I know that as long as you take an 1 1/2 ounces (45ml's) per feeding right now that you will be alright your pediatrician says but that is the least amount that you should be taking. There are some feeding that you will take 2oz (60ml's) but that is a stretch. You are still on Simi*lac Neo*sure as you need the extra calories, but your pediatrician says that eventually you'll catch up and then you'll come off of that type of formula. Either way it doesn't bother me as long as you're staying on track and you don't end up back in the hospital for anything.

The past couple of days you have figured out what and where your hair is. I will catch you several times a day with your hand in the back of your head wide open feeling your hair. You get wide eyed with amazment when you do this, but I'm glad that you are learning and exploring already. Speaking of your hands (actually your thumbs), I think that if we would let you that you would be a thumb sucker. This is follwing in true fashion of your Aunt Blu who was a thumb sucker. I think that it is adorable that you are doing this, but I'm not sure how adorable it'll be in a year if you keep it up and we can't break you of the habit. So, we've been covering your hands with the flaps on your sleepers and listening to you whine while we rock you to sleep, b/c we refuse to give in to giving you back the pacifier.

Otherwise my sweet girl you are growing and developing and perfect in every way. You have cam into our crazy chaotic family and made it even crazier and more chaotic, but we wouldn't know what we would do without you, b/c you've made our lives complete! We love you more and more each day, and you are truly one of our greatest blessings.

Love-

Mama

1st Day of Pre-School

I can not believe that I now have a pre-schooler. Today was *B*'s 1st day of pre-school. He was so very excited to go. I know I hardly slept last night with all the anxiety for him for his first day. I felt like I was going to my first day of a new school year all over again like I did when I was school aged. He doesn't ride the bus, which is a curse (with a new baby and throwing off our schedules) and a blessing (I can monitor who he's in contact with and control things better in this out of my control situation), so I will be taking him back and forth to school.

Before leaving this morning I packed his lunch for school. It was such a surreal feeling. I asked him what he wanted and the night before we went grocery shopping and he had picked out something things for his lunch. For his lunch he chose a chicken nugget lunchable meal. I packed an extra drink (cap*ri sun juice) and a package of fruit snacks to go with it. After we were all already and breakfast (chocolate chip waffle) was ate, we headed out the door. But not before stopping to snap a couple photos to remember the big day.We pulled out and arrived at school at 8:45am. School starts at 9:00am, so we had plenty of time for him to settle into what was going to happen once we got there. Instantly he was hypered up about school, but slowly started to settle down once more and more kids started arriving and were upset. Once it was 9:00am the teacher had all the students line up single file and walk down to their classroom from the gym where they were waiting. He followed the directions so well, and I couldn't of been more proud. When we got down to the classroom the teacher had all the students sit and they started to work on their first art project of the class year. She had their names written on construction paper to which she outlined each letter with glue, and then they were to put different craft materials on the glue. He went straight to work.

I stayed with him for a little over an hour during which time he put together a puzzle, played with legos and a train, and got in trouble and sat in time out for throwing stuffed food toys in the classroom. After that the class was headed to the gym to burn off some steam, so I figured that was my time to make my grand exit. I told him "Good-bye" quickly with a kiss and a hug and out the door I went. He never cried, but once the school doors closed behind me I bawled like a baby. My first born, my baby... he's growing so fast and is now a BIG boy AND a pre-schooler... sniff, sniff... *sigh* time flies. Thank goodness school is over at 3pm today and he'll be home with me again. :)

And In the Blink Of An Eye... She's Here!!

This is my final belly pic that was taken from my pregnancy. It was taken on July 23th and I was exactly 37wks pregnant. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last belly pic or that in two days time when I went into my OB's office for my NST that things would change.On July 25th when I went for my NST appt I thought it would be an appt like any other. However upon arrival I already had that gut feeling that this would be the last full day that I would be pregnant. I had had a severe headache for 3 days & the end of the 23rd I started swelling and it didn't go down. I packed my hospital bag and headed to the OB. When I arrived my BP was taken and I peed in a cup. My protien dipstick was a +3 spill over & my BP was 194/90. I was hooked up to the NST monitor. After an hour on the monitor and a couple of contractions with very little movement other than vigorous distressed movement that made the Little Miss' heart rate drop my OB finally came in my room. He went over the NST strip printout & then checked me & did an u/s. I was 2cm dialated & she was weighing 5lbs15oz give or take a bit. He told me that things didn't look very well and it was in mine and her best interest for her to be outside of me rather than inside. He then instructed me to go straight to L&D to be admitted and for pitocin to be started.

I left his office in a haze. I called DH who was at work to let him know what was going on and that he need to get to the hospital ASAP. I drove around the hospital to the main entrance and went to L&D. I was admitted, blood work was drawn, & the IV with pitocin & magnesium sulfate for my high BP was started all by 5pm. DH finally arrived & the contractions were getting intense. I continued to contract regularly & be checked every couple of hours. At 9pm, I called- the nurse to tell her I couldn't handle the pain any longer and to see if I could be checked again so I could get my epidural. I was still only 2cm dialated & -2 station, but I was having trouble breathing through the contractions and was crying b/c they hurt so badly. The nurse decided to call my OB to see if he would allow pain medication in my IV, instead he told her to call the anesthesiologist for my epidural so that I could progress with dialation. At 9:30pm I received my epidural and I was pain-free and in heaven.

At midnight I was checked again and I was a stretchy 7cm almost an 8 and at a 0 station. I was comfortable, but I couldn't sleep. I kept getting the chills & shakes that you get when you receive and epidural so it was hard for me to sleep. Plus I was too excited to sleep knowing that it wouldn't be very long before I would be meeting my baby girl. At 3am I started to be able to feel my contractions again and I had the urge to push, so I called for the nurse. When she checked me she said that I was complete and had a bulging bag of water & told me absolutely do not push. She paged my OB. At 3:25am my OB had arrived and was checking me only to find the same thing as the nurse and he too instructed me not to push. At this point the bed was then broke down, everyone got into position & gowned up. At 3:41am my OB broke my bag of water, and told me when I felt my next contractions to push with full force. 2 contractions, 2 pushes, and 2 minutes later my daughter made her presence into the world.

I'd like to Welcome to the World my beautiful daughter Alianna Brooke!!

Born: July 26, 2011 at 3:43am

Weight: 5lbs5oz Height: 18.5in Apgars: 6 & 7

When she was born she had issues with her breathing and had to be rushed to the NICU. I never got to hold her, and only got to see her for about 30 seconds. She had to be put on a machine to help her breathe called a C-Pap to begin with, but after about 6hrs and still struggling to breathe with that she had to be intubated and put on a ventilator with steriod medicine dispersed in the oxygen for her lungs. It was determined that she had lung immaturity with what is known as "sticky lungs." After 24hrs of being on the ventilator she began breathing over it was again put back on C-Pap. A couple of days later she finally was down graded to a nasal cannula, only to end up back on C-Pap b/c it was thought that she had developed pneumonia. On Sunday, July 31st another chest x-ray was done for the pneumonia & her lab work came back and it was determined that it was only her lung sticking together again with the sticky lung. She was able to go back to nasal cannula that day, and by the next day she didn't even need that. She went into an incubator type isolette from a warming bed at this point and was breathing room air. At this time she was also being treated for jaundice, and had to be under a glow lamp.

At this point all she had been given in the way of food had been formula through a feeding tube in her mouth and then again in her nose, so the battle began. She had to learn how to eat on her own. How to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time. She struggled with this, and started out at only 10cc's which is only 1/3 of an ounce of formula. This amount was well below the amount that she should be taking for her age and weight. Finally on August 8th she had mastered eating what she was supposed to (42cc's) in the 15-20 minute time frame she was alotted and was able to hold her body temperature outside of the isolette, and was allowed to finally go home. She was 13 days old, and from the very beginning God had a plan for when she would arrive in the world and how things would go. I say this b/c she was born on my deceased MIL's birthday, and came home my deceased best-friend's birthday.
She's 17 days old today and as of this past Wednesday she weighed 6lbs even at the pediatrician's office. I love being a mother of two, but it's been a huge transition and trying to split my time between the two (especially when she was in the hospital) has been my greatest challenge... but it's not one that I would change any part of for anything in the world.

Fears, Complications, & Meltdowns

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch of this pregnancy. It's a surreal feeling being 36w2d along. Lately there has been quite a bit of stuff going on. So, I'll start with how I titled this post.

Fears: I keep thinking about if I'll be able to handle being a mother of 2. I'm great as a mother of *B*, but I don't want him to feel left out when the Little Miss arrives. That is one of my biggest fears is if I'll be able to manage my time accordingly when I already know I'll be a single mom throughout the day and babies take up a huge amount of anyone's time. I worry that *B* will feel left out. I worry that even though the Little Miss has flipped and is now currently head down that I'll still end up having to have a c-section. I'm scared that my hormonal pregnancy attitude I've been sporting that has alienated most all people in my life is starting to sneak into my marriage. I know that DH loves me and I love him, but somedays I feel as though our marriage is hanging by a thread b/c I'm so bitchy. I'm scared that I'll have PPD again and I won't be able to function and I'll be left at home with 2 kids sitting on the couch or in the chair bawling and in shambles while my DH works hard to support us. Maybe it's just me, but I'm hoping that these are all normal late pregnancy fears, and that everything will be alright.

Complications: Apparently I am sporting the pregnancy complications of pre-e again. This past Thursday I was admitted into L&D for high BP (190s/90s) and protien in my urine. Once I got there and got all settled with meds my BP started to come down, but I'm still not out of the woods. My 24hr urine protien came back at 185, which was lower than my original baseline urine of 191.2. I have to have twice a week NSTs now and I'm on strict bedrest until this Saturday when I'll be 37wks and my OB says whatever happens happens and he'll let her come into this world if need be. Can I just say how hard it was to be away from DH & *B* for 24hrs. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to do it once the Little Miss actually does arrive in the world. I just hope that I don't keep having high BPs as they make me so sick and so very moody. Guess time will only tell.

Meltdowns: Yep, that should be my middle name these days. Everytime I turn around I'm snapping at this person or that person. I have a strong patience for everyone and everything usually but I just can not handle being pregnant anymore and all the non-caring, stupidity stricken, nagging, and annoying people that surround me. I know I'm almost at the end of this pregnancy and these hormones will go away but in the meantime I'm killing off relationships I have with others one by one. In the moment it feels good b/c then I know I won't have to deal with the preson anymore the rest of this pregnancy, but after thought and it's all said and done I realize I'll probably kill off the relationship permanently not just until I'm no longer pregnant and that greatly saddens me. In the meantime I'm just trying to steer clear of everyone unless they come and ask me what is going on so that I don't lose another friendship or family member.

So, with all that being said... HURRY UP 38WKS AND GET HERE ALREADY!! I'm miserable & I'm over ready to be done.

35w0d

I feel like such a slacker when it comes to documenting this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with *B* I was on top of everything. I never wanted to forget a moment, no matter how big or small it was. Now that I'm already a mother and this is my second pregnancy (and I hate to admit this) I don't feel as documenting everything is so significant. I don't want my daughter to feel as though she's second rate and I didn't care as much, but fact is I do. It's just this pregnancy has been so eventful (not that *B*'s wasn't just as eventful) and having a 4yr old to go with that has made blogging about all the little things (and the big things too apparently) really hard.

So, any way... I'm exactly 35wks pregnant today. My belly sure has grown since my last belly shot post:

I've done really good with taking belly shots every couple of weeks even if I don't post them.

The gestational diabetes has been treating me fairly decently. I've had to increase my meds twice (about every 3wks) since I found out. My high risk OB said that this is fairly common in pregnancy with women with GD that had PCOS with IR prior to pregnancy. I've only gained a total of 17lbs this entire pregnancy. That is way different from the 49lbs I gained with *B*.

I've recently been being closely monitored for the potential of pre-e. I had pre-e with my son that developed into toxemia where I started to have temor like seizures in my extremities. The risks of having pre-e again are fairly minimal in an uncomplicated pregnancy, but since I have GD the stress of dealing with that can also cause an increase in the risk of having pre-e. My blood pressures had been good, but they fluctuate and my last couple appts were a bit on the higher side of normal. Not to mention that I had a +2 on the urine dipstick for protien. I had to do the 24hr urine clean catch which showed a protien count of 192. Over 300 is considered dangerous, so it's up there but I'm not in the worry zone about it quite yet.

However, I am in the worry zone about having a c-section. The Little Miss is still breech (as of yesterday to be exact). She's in a frank breech position... meaning her head and feet are at the top of my uterus while her butt is in my pelvic region. My high risk OB discussed with my doing a technique called aversion rotation to try to flip her starting at 36wks gestation and doing it each week until she flips or my "term" date* that they have made for me. He mentioned a few of the risks with percentages on each, and of course all of the benefits with success percentages. I watched a couple videos on YouTube of this procedure, and it looks so scary and mega painful to her and me.

*My "term" date has been established at 38wks gestation b/c of me having GD. They don't want her to get too big, and the last 4wks of gestation is when babies pack on the pudge. Also, b/c she is breech going past 38wks with the potential poundage she could put on makes a c-section after this period in pregnancy alot more complicated as well.

I start going to my regular OB starting this week twice a week for NSTs. I love hearing her little heartbeat on the monitors. Unfortunately I don't love that I have to do this twice a week b/c of the contractions I've been having. I'm 1cm dialated currently, and only 10-15% thinned and effaced. I've only got 3wks left and I've begun the count down. I'm getting uncomfortable as the heat & humidity climbs around here, so I'm just ready to be done already. But anyhow, that is the update on the pregnancy homefront around these here parts. I'll try to keep ya'll updated as things progress or change. In the meantime I'm off to soak up the summer sun with my DH, god-daughter, & amazing son. Hope ya'll are doing the same.

Happy 4th Birthday *B*!!!!

I can't believe that 4yrs ago today I finally became a Mother. That day forever has changed my life. My heart now walks around outside of my body and will forever. He currently is 52lbs & 42in tall. A huge difference from the 6lbs9oz & 20in he came into the world at. He also got accepted into pre-school for this fall which he is thrilled about.

I love you, baby. Happy 4th Birthday!! I hope that your Cars2 themed party tomorrow is everything that you want it to be.

**I have much more to write about, such as the pregnancy thus far, more on *B*, and just a general update. Oh and I can't believe that I've missed the whole month of June in the blogosphere. Alas though, these things will have to wait as I have a ton of food to prepare for *B*'s party tomorrow that about 40 guests will be attending. Stay tuned I'll be back ASAP.**

WARNING: SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!

MELTDOWN IN 3.... 2.... 1.... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(So, that you're aware before you proceed through this entry there is some vulgarity, alot of whining, bitching, and complaining. You are forewarned.)

The past two weeks have been weeks from hell, to put it mildly. It started with going to my new OB for my first appt. That wasn't that bad. But, I had to have the 1hr GTT done, that all women get done while at this point in their pregnancy. I failed that with flying colors, of course. So, I had the 3hr GTT done. Failed that too with flying colors. So, I had to see a diabetic dietitian and a diabetic counseling nurse. All that was fine too. What wasn't fine was that even given my new diet plan, and following it to the "T" I was having high sugars and severe lows. So, I had to call my OB to let him know what was going on. He then increased my oral insulin (Gly*buride) and referred me to a high risk specialist that deals with nothing but pregnant women that have gestational diabetes. The problem with this is it is an hour and forty-five minute drive away from where I live. Shit!

Seriously having GD has been a huge pain in my ass, and I've only been dealing with it for a week and a half. I hate having headaches from bouncing sugars. I hate having to watch my diet and my total carb count. I hate feeling shakey when my sugar drops to rapidly. I hate pricking my fingers 7 times a day. I hate that I have sore fingertips that even hurt to type let alone do anything else with. I hate that I have to sit by watching my family eat things I love, while I can't do it. I hate that this has honestly been the one complication that I've had so far, when I was really looking forward to an uneventful pregnancy this go round since my pregnancy with *B* was so complicated & intense. I hate that I feel like I can no longer enjoy this pregnancy, and that I feel like I'm counting down the days until it'll be over just so that I don't have to deal with this shit anymore.

If you've ever had GD, and have never dealt with sugar issues before I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It is like torture for a pregnant person. You want to eat when you want to eat, and you want to eat what you want to eat whenever. I constantly feel like I'm starving b/c I'm only allowed to eat every 3hrs, and the the options I have to eat feel limiting to me and most certainly do not fill me up. Oh and then there is the drinking water and only water thing. I love water don't get me wrong. It's my go to drink. However, I like to drink a sweet tea or a can of soda every once in awhile. If you drink one 12oz drink of either that is already one 30g total carb meal or snack and you haven't even ate anything with it. ARGH! Oh and it's summer and two of my favorite things to eat (ice cream & popscicles) are HUGE no-no's.

I know I need to be looking to the brighter side of things and seeing that this is such a small price to pay to ensure optimal health for my in-utero daughter who needs me, but damn it's sooooo hard for me. I'm doing better on my higher dosage sugar med, but it still feels like I'm depriving myself of things. I just have to keep telling myself there is only 11wks or less until she makes her presence in the world, and I can do it. I have to do it, for her health and my own.

Oh and as if dealing with having GD isn't bad enough *B* had his adnoid & tonsilectomy done a week ago today. He didn't have to have tubes put in his ears thank goodness. He was a champ at eating directly after the surgery with 2 popscicles, a chocolate chip cookie, chicken & stars soup with crackers, orange sherbet ice cream, about 5 bites of a sub I was eating for lunch, and some gold* fish crackers. His appetite is much different now though. I'm lucky to get him to eat one thing a day and drink 12oz or so of fluid. He's healing fine, but his whining from pain has me at my breaking point too. I know that he can't change how he feels thus he can't change his reactions to how he feels, but it's very exhausting for me. DH helps as much as he can when he's not working, but most times I feel like he makes him cry when he's home. I know he doesn't mean to and he's just parenting *B* how he should be parented when he's not sore, it's just that it's hard on me seeing him crying. I tend to give him whatever he wants when DH isn't here just so that I don't have to listen to the constant whimpering and whining that has become and everyday thing now for a week.

Go ahead pass me the Bad Mother Award, I don't give a shit. I'm dealing with enough as it is, what's one more thing to deal with or be criticized on. I can't wait until he's back to 100%... it most certainly can not come fast enough. I think this Mama needs a vacation... PRONTO!

*sigh*

Failed A Test

Hey ya'll!! Long time no blog. Things are going good here on the pregnancy & home fronts. Today I am currently 27w1d pregnant, and things seem to be moving along quite well. However, there have been a couple of minor (and one major, but now resolved) setbacks.

First and foremost the major set back was having to find a new OB at 22wks pregnant. I went in for my last OB visit with my old (but new to my gynecological history) Dr. When I was in there it was the 3 appt. that I had asked him about monitoring my TSH levels for my hypothyroidism. I also asked him about getting re-fills for my Metformin, Synthroid, and what he was going to do about my BP since he had taken me off of my BP meds at the beginning of my pregnancy and I was having slightly elevated BPs. His responses to my questions made me shutter. He told me to go off my Metformin completely and he wasn't prescribing me a re-fill for it and that I shouldn't even be taking it while pregnant. Any PCOSer that has been pregnant and carried to term should know that remaining on Metformin throughout your pregnancy is extremely beneficial. It helps prevent miscarriage early on in pregnancy AND later in pregnancy helps to prevent pre-term labor (which I am/was at risk for both). I asked him if he had medical documents for proof of these findings, b/c my previous OB had told and showed me things contray to these statements of his he was telling. His response was I'm sure I do but, I'll have to look for them. In the meantime go off the Metformin and get your GTT done.

I again asked him about my thyroid after he had said this all to me, and he told me I wasn't presenting with signs of my TSH being out of order so he didn't think that I needed it tested. Ladies with hypothyroidism, please if your OB tells you this while pregnant... FIND ANOTHER OB!! Having your TSH level test frequently (like every 4-6wks) while pregnant is crucial. If your TSH is out of order at anytime throughout your pregnancy and your medication is not regulated it can harm your baby's brain development in-utero and also cause developmental delays for your child once s/he is born. I questioned his judgement on this and again he repeated himself to me.

Also, about the BP meds. He told me that I had nothing to worry about that my BP was fine. Ummm, not hardly. I had pre-e that changed into eclampsia and finally toxemia while I was pregnant with *B*. This is caused from unmonitored or untreated hypertension and your body's natural defense mechanism fromt eh liver filtering out the toxins appropriately. Being that I have had chronic hypertension since early 2006 before I was ever pregnant with my son and then extreme hypertension involving the complications that I had with him, this is something that any OB should definitely be on top of throughout your pregnancy instead of letting it go.

Over all I just felt like I had slipped through the cracks in the care of this OB and office, AND that he is a quack!! So, I started with calling my insurances once I left his office and finding out if I could switch Dr's this late in my pregnancy. I was told yes, but that I might have a difficult time finding one that would accept me since I was past 20wks pregnant. They gave me a list of OBs affiliated with different hospitals within a certain distance of me that accepted my insurances. I started calling, and thankfully the very last OB that I had contacted and was waiting on hearing back from on if they would accept me called back. His office would indeed accept me. So, this past Monday was my first appt.

When I went in there I had been suffering from severe migraines that weren't allergy related. I thought for sure they were from having high BPs. My BP when I was in there was only 122/80, and I had a migraine. This new OB was so thorough, and I was very pleased with him. He went along with everything my original OB had told me about my meds and monitoring. We spoke in his office, then I went to an exam room and was looked over, and finally ended in the u/s room getting to see the Little Miss. She was measuring right on track, weighing in at 1lb13oz so far, and her HR was 146bpm. The OB said that my headaches could be anything from high BP (which it wasn't high that day) to sugar issues to allergies to changing hormone levels. He ordered a whole battery of bloodwork including the 1hr GTT. That is the test I failed, and it is one that I couldn't study or prepare for. When the nurses called the following day about my test results she told me I had failed it miserably, that they don't like to see numbers over 130 and mine was pushing 300. So, I was ordered the to do the 3hr GTT.

That test was done on Friday the 13th. I don't have the results back yet for that (but will tomorrow), and I'm not superstitious but I don't have high expectations for the results from this test. It was like torture for me (and if you've ever had it done you too). I had to fast for 12hrs before the initial blood FBS blood draw. That level came back at 122 after not eating or drinking for 12hrs. Then I had to drink that nasty overloaded with sugar flat Orange Sunkist tasting drink. Blech! At the end of the test I had been poked 5 times for blood draws ever hour on the hour (I only needed to be poked 4 times but one time the lab tech blew threw my vein), had an extreme migraine as well as the shakes. You don't realize how hungry you are when you're pregnant until you've been forced to go without for food for 15 1/2hrs. Yeah, extreme torture is the only way I can go about describing the 3hr GTT.

So, those are my major and minor set backs... but honestly unless I find out I failed the 3hr GTT I don't think they are that bad now looking back. So, that being said I'll leave you with my belly shots from 20wks, 22wks, 24wks (Easter Sunday), and 26wks (last week, Mother's Day). The Little Miss is growing like a weed and so is my belly. I just wish I could feel her on the outside more, instead of feeling on her kicking in my cervical area. She's still breech the little stinker any way. Enjoy!

Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you so much Wifey for the nomination!! I'm surprised that I received this nomination as I've been a slacker blogger lately. None-the-less I'm honored, so thank you again. :)

Here are the rules:
1.) Winners- Put the above image in your blog.
2.) Include a link back to the person who gave it to you.
3.) Tell 10 things about yourself
4.) Award 15 other bloggers
5.)Contact the bloggers you awarded and let them know they won.

The award image is right there at the top of this post, and I've linked back to the amazing woman who nominated me (make sure you check her blog out). To post this image to your blog right click on the image and then select "save picture as." It should already come up named and save to where you store your pictures on your computer, all you have to do from there is upload it like you would any other picture to your blog.

Now, to tell 10 things about myself.
1.) I am pregnant with our second blessing. In case you've missed it in past posts we are also expecting a GIRL!!
2.) Speaking of our little girl, we have finally decided on a name. However, we're not telling until she's here on Earth, b/c it never fails someone takes our name before we get the chance to use it. 3.) I never thought I'd be able to say that after we have this bundle of joy that "We're done." From the very beginning of DH and my relationship we agreed on one boy and one girl, but once we found out about our infertility woes that slightly changed. We said after *B* that if we were blessed again and it was a boy we would try for a third, but if we ended up with three boys we were done at three regardless. Well, as luck would have it one boy, one girl... I'm getting rid of my junk female insides once she's here.
4.) Even though we've miraculously conceived both of our children naturally when we weren't trying beating alot of the infertility statistics and odds, I still consider myself an infertile. I don't think that that will ever change since we were trying it never happened and we spent thousands of dollars for hundreds of BFNs. To me I still feel broken even though alot of my fellow readers would consider it otherwise.
5.) I've been battling depression my entire pregnancy. Actually, I was dealing with it before I was pregnant, but mix in the addtional hormones and it's much worse. I'm not on any meds for my depression currently, but eventually I'll have to give in before she gets here and get a handle on things so I can function more normally.
6.) Things with my DH and I really aren't that great. We have been having our back and forth battles. We are striving and struggling as a couple to find each other again, and personally for myself fall back in love with him. Our past can not be just that... the past, and we struggle with realizing that and with realizing that we should turn to one another for support instead of other people. And, even though we are at a better place right now on the way to getting there we were thisclose to divorce.
7.) I consider myself a photographer. I love to take pictures (mostly of my family & friends right now) and I hope to one day once my little ones are a bit older make it a part-time to full-time profession. I still have alot to learn in the photography department, but slowly I'm getting there. Now, if I could just get a different camera and better lenses I'd be all set.
8.) I withdrew from college. When I found out I was pregnant I was getting ready to start my second quarter, and I wasn't very far along in my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with *B* I was super sick, and figured that I would be the same way this time around and I didn't want my perfect 4.0 GPA to suffer due to my illness, so I withdrew. After the Lovebug is here I intend to enroll again for Fall '11 quarter, though, so I can continue on to getting my Bachelor's degree in Radiology.
9.) I'm beginning to think that the rain will never let up here. I thought about having an arc building party b/c of all the flooding but figured that would make everyone's moods even worse. In the month of April we've had 2-3in of rain everytime it's rained for 18 days of the 26 so far this month, and the forecast doesn't appear to be changing for at least the next 2wks either. I'm really missing the sun and hoping it'll return and soon, before we float away.
10.) *B* was evaluated for pre-school last week. I thought before his eval that he might of had ADHD as he showed alot of signs of it. After his evaluation I was (and still am) the happiest most amazed Mama EVER! The behavioralist that sat in on his eval said that he doesn't have ADHD instead he's bored. He was ranging in levels of knowledge at the age of a 6yr old... he's only 3!!! They said that he'll have to really be challenged when he goes to school, but currently the pre-school we were looking at isn't the right fit for him as he's already exceeded above and beyond what they would teach him this coming year there. So, now I have to re-think what we're going to do for him in the fall for social interaction. Regardless, I'm just so impressed with my little man that I'm speechless.

Now, to nominate 15 other blogger that I think would be deserving of this award. (How do you nominate just 15, when so many are deserving? ARGH!) Any way, here goes and please don't take offense if I haven't named you, b/c you're more than welcome to do this to and take the award from my blog and pass it on to other bloggers as everyone deserves recognition.

1.) babyinterrupted at baby, interrupted
2.) RELH at Plans Change
3.) wifey at Semi-Fertile
4.) Tara at Our Journey
5.) Jill at The Averitt Fam
6.) J at Her Womb, Our Hearts
7.) Rachel at Operation Rosebud
8.) Jenna at Among the Blossoms
9.) Angie at Infertility Revisited
10.) pithydithy at Pithydithy
11.) Steph at As Told by Steph
12.) Rachel at Chasing Mommyhood
13.) Shana at Gorillabuns
14.) Kellyanne at Diary of a Miracle formerly known as Finding Me After IF
15.) This spot is reserved for YOU, b/c as I said everyone deserves a little recognition and a nomination/award. So, feel free to post your blog URL in the comments, and everyone else please don't forget to check out the other nominees and their blogs. :)

I've Got A Secret!!!

If you know me you probably already know what the secret is or you're guessing right now trying to figure it out.

Guess no more!! I'll spill the beans for you. LOL!

Yesterday, we had to take *B* to Children's Hospital for all the ailments that he had been dealing with to see an ENT. The Dr. said that he has to have a sleep study done since I mentioned things that point to sleep apnea. I was told that he doesn't at this time need tubes in his ears, but he will more than likely need his tonsils and adnoids removed. They are very enlarged for his age. So, after the sleep study to make sure he won't need any other sleeping devices we will go for our follow-up to see if surgery is eminent.

Any way, while we in the big city we scheduled ourselves for an elective 3D/4D ultrasound to see if our little lovebug would cooperate so that we could find out if we were having a boy or a girl. This is what we found...

A thumb sucking, finger pointing (already), little DIVA!!!

IT'S A GIRL!!!