The Weight of Insomnia

I HATE IT!!! My son has been in bed for hours now, thanks to lack of naps lately. Here I sit at 1:30am WIDE AWAKE. ARGH! I know that there are other things I could/should be writing about, but this one is the one that is bothering me now. I'm sure it has to do with my head swimming with different things, but at the same time even if I put those things into words on paper they would still be in my head. But here goes.....

I'm so very stressed lately. All this crap with H*attie, J*ordan, and H*unter has got my emotions in turmoil. I'm torn between what I should do and what I shouldn't do. It's putting a thorn in my marriage that has been so positive for months now. For once in my life I wish that parenting H*attie were over, but I know it will never truly be over. She is ours...kind of like when you get married for better or worse. Well, this is obviously the worst that it comes for her, and so she turns to us. DH however thinks that she should be left to fend for herself and parent H*unter. He says she's strong-willed and will thrive from the experience...me not so much. She begs me for help, and she comes to me and not him b/c well I'm not sure. Maybe the fear of rejection or being turned away, who knows. I just don't know what to do in the situation and so I ponder about it many hours, and most of them are while I SHOULD be sleeping.

Then there is fertility treatments. I almost positive that we're going to have to embark on them again. We had the m/c in March and before that we had been trying for a couple of months. Well, we're in the midst (actually the close to the end) of our tenth cycle. My limit at Au natural is one year. I refuse to go on and on hoping without knowing and not being proactive in our recreation attempts. So, that being said we have new insurance that started with the start of the new year, and the coverage wasn't exactly clarified I called Fertility Lifelines yesterday morning. They're going to check into my coverage for me since being on the phone for hours with a rep. while my 18month old screams in my ear isn't ideal in finding out anything. I just pray that it is decent coverage, b/c if not we'll be very limited in what types of treatments we can do financially. Oh how I wish that we could just conceive #2 naturally like we conceived *B* and the m/c, that would be wonderful. Not sure how realistic since with each passing cycle my hope fades a bit more, but you know.

Lastly there is *B* my heart breaks for him. My yearning for another child is so much greater with him. I look at him and each day there is something new he does and I no longer see a baby in him. Of course he's my baby, but each day those itty bitty traits are fading. Plus, he knows what babies are now with all the new little ones. He calls all little kids he sees in stores, books, magazines, on TV, and/or toys... "BABY." He remembers H*attie's big belly I think, b/c often times he'll lift my shirt stick his finger in my belly button and say "Mommy Baby Dair?!" in his sweet little voice. When H*unter leaves (or should I say when H*attie decides she wants to be a mom again) he'll walk around holding his palms up saying "Baby?" and looking for him. *B*'s very jealous when he's here of course, but he's also oh so loving. He'll come up and sit beside me and pat him oh so gently, he'll kiss his head, and try to take him from my arms if I'd let him. When he cries he'll take the bottle to him or get me a diaper and wipes. He's got so much love to pass onto a sibling. He gets along so well with other children and plays amazingly. Maybe I'm depriving him the ability to grow and expand socially, although I hope not. Maybe I should get him involved in a play group or something. It might help him and ease my mind. I just wish again that we could conceive a miracle to expand our family and keep him company. Ho hum!!