Baby Dreams

A Made Top 5 & Still Needs Your Votes!!!

2011-09-28T10:03:00.003-04:00

If you voted for my daughter to help her get to the Top 5 (or even if you didn't), she's now in the Top 5. So, I need your help to make her #1!! This is for all the marbles. Just click the link below if you have an FACEBOOK account (you don't have to tell me that you did it, especially if you blog annonymously) and then "LIKE" her picture to earn her a vote. Voting ends Friday (9/30/11) at 9pm CST. Thanks for all your help.

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR *A* TO MAKE HER #1!!

Please Vote For The Little Miss!!

2011-09-26T21:39:00.000-04:00

*A* was entered in a photo contest for her adorable headbands that I'm always putting on her. Right now I'm trying to get her into the Top 5 in the contest, so... If you have a Facebook account could you please click on the link below and vote for *A* for me? All you have to do is "Like" her photo and then leave a comment to seal the deal. Thank ya'll so much!!

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR *A*!!

Allergies & Post-partum Visit

2011-09-07T19:00:00.001-04:00

I can't hardly believe that today Little Miss *A* is 6wks old. It doesn't hardly seem possible that she could be this old already. She's getting more consistant about her sleeping schedule at night. She'll take a bottle around 10pm, then one around 2-3am, and then 6am. After each feeding she goes straight back to sleep until the 6am feeding then she wants to be awake. Usually throughout the day after each feeding she is awake for anywhere from 1-3hrs and then just catnaps for 30min-1hr when she does sleep. At each feeding she is now eating 2.5oz (75ml's).

She had to go to the Dr. today to be seen for a rash that is all over her head and neck. While we were there she was weighed and measured. She now weighs 7lbs12oz and is 19in. This still puts her in the 5th percentile on preemie growth charts. Any way, we were there for her rash. As it turns out she has a severe allergy to something. Her pediatrician asked if we did anything different (which we hadn't), and said it could be anything from our body soap, to lotion, to perfume/cologne, to laundry detergents. He told us to change each thing one at a time to something that was scent-free and dye-free if we thought it was something we were using. After thinking about if we had changed anything different I remember that the Pu*rex scent crystals scent I had been using I had changed to another scent. So I'm going to quit using that and see if it helps. In the meantime we have to use hydrocortisone .5% cream on her affected areas.

I also had my 6wk post-partum visit today. Everything is looking good, and I was advised against unprotected intercourse for the next year. The OB asked if there was a type of birth control that I had used before for prevention, and there hasn't been. There has only been BCPs I've used to reduce cysts. He asked what we planned on using for birth control, and honestly other than condoms and DH getting the big V after the first of the year I hadn't thought about it. We are definitely done with our one boy and one girl... but I don't think that preventing is something that we should have to worry about with all the IF issues we have faced. I know that we've conceived both of our babies naturally without the help of medical intervention when we had given up trying so it can and could happen again, but preventing just isn't for me or us. I feel that even though I've went through 2 rough pregnancy & deliveries, and had 1 preemie that if God (or devine intervention at this point) intends for us to conceive another child before the big V, then that is what will happen. In the meantime condoms it is... when we're not to tired to do all that and when we remember.

Quality Time

2011-09-05T20:58:00.000-04:00

Today I spent quality time with the Little Miss, while DH and The Monster spent time together. The Monster has really been feeling left out since *A* arrived, but not so much today. Him and DH went to what us country folk call fun... the mud runs. It's this huge mud pit that trucks, jeeps, SUVs, and 4-wheelers drive threw trying to get the fastest time to win money. The Monster got to play in the mud and get down & dirty. He came home and couldn't quit talking about it... him or DH. I wish I could of went, but instead I stayed home, caught up on sleep with the Little Miss, and was kept updated via text messages. Here are some pictures of my baby boy having fun.

Starting to play in the mud

With his Uncle getting ready to ride in a truck

Going on his mud run

Playing in the mud

More mud play

Showing off his muddy self

His cute chubby & muddy self all done playing and ready to go home

Pre-School Woes

2011-09-01T17:53:00.002-04:00

I'm so furious with *B*'s pre-school teacher right now I could spit nails.

In *B*'s class there is a folder that is sent to and from school everyday, it's a communication folder so that the teacher and parent can communicate between one another about the child. Last week on his first day of pre-school she sent home the folder and had wrote in there that *B* had wiped his own butt when he had pooped earlier that day & she had spot checked him. For most this isn't a huge thing, but for *B* it was his first time doing this all by himself without assistance. Well, that evening when it was bath time and he took aff his underwear he had poop marks in them. I was upset about this and had asked *B* about his teacher's so-called "spot checking." He then told me that when he wiped and the TP was clean that the teacher said he was clean and to get off the toilet and pull up his pants.

So, all last weekend I observed him wiping his own butt. He would get the TP up to his crack on his buttcheek only grazing the poop and not up in there where it needed to be. Therefore he wasn't getting himself clean. So, when he went back to school on Tuesday I wrote in his communication folder what I had observed, what he had told me, and that I would appreciate her help in the matter of making sure he's clean so that he doesn't end up with a sore bottom. She wrote me back and asked me to send flushable wet wipes to school with him which I did, and we haven't had a problem with that since.

That combined with what happened yesterday and the phone call I got today is what has sent me over the edge. On Tuesday when she sent the communication folder home she had wrote in there that with lunch *B* had complained about a belly ache after drinking milk and asked if he had problems with it. She said that if he wanted to get cafeteria lunch again that maybe it would be best for me to sent a drink with him instead of him getting a milk. Being that when he was younger he was lactose intolerant reading this bothered me. So, yesterday when he wanted a cafeteria lunch again I packed in his lunchbox with an ice pack a capri sun, a fruit cup of pears (b/c listed on the lunch menu was peaches & he's allergic to peaches), and a packet of fruit snack... that's it. I sent in his communication folder his envelope with his lunch money for a tray lunch just as he had asked for. When they did lunch count that morning the teacher & aide never asked him about a cafeteria lunch they just took for granted that b/c he had a lunchbox that he had a fully packed lunch.

He went to lunch yesterday and opened his lunchbox. The teacher observed what he had in his lunchbox and asked him where his sandwich was. His reply to her was I guess Mommy forgot b/c sissy had her up early this morning (4:30am she got me up, 5:45am she woke him up with her crying). The teacher let him go at that. She never bothered to get him a tray lunch to make up for his lack of a lunch or even go to the office to give me a quick call at home to see what was going on. She let him eat that & only that. So then, at 2pm yesterday I recieve a phone call from her b/c she is just now getting to his communication folder and seeing that he was supposed to have a tray lunch along with what was in his lunchbox. Her call wakes me from a nap I was taking with *A* so I wasn't on my game when she called. She apologizes for the mix up. Says that he's at rest time but he's tossing and turning not falling asleep. I tell her that he's not going to if his belly is empty. She says snack time is in 10min, and she'll fix him up. I'm not reassured at all, and I get off the phone and bawl like a baby for him.

After picking him up from school yesterday and bringing him home he proceeds to eat two and a half slices of pizza and starts falling asleep sitting at the table while trying to finish the third slice. I have him to go lay in his bed. He then sleeps from 4pm yesterday evening until 7am this morning. He even slept through me changing him into his pjs. After him doing this and getting my head on straight about the situation I realize that what happened to him was unacceptable. So, I write in the communication folder in as polite of manner as I could that all I was doing was following what she had instructed earlier in the week about a juice. That it wasn't acceptable to me, and that I wish she would of called right at lunchtime (11am) when she noticed there was no sandwich instead of 3hrs later when she read his folder and instead of letting it go thinking that what he had said was the accurate & acceptable.

After she read my letter to her in the folder she called me and told me that I as a parent was belittling her as a teacher. That she couldn't handle the verbal beatdown I was giving her for the two mistakes, and she is only one teacher with 15 students. She asked if I wanted to switch him teachers or unenroll him from school. I told her that that was like punishing him for something that wasn't his fault, but her's and that I was not doing that. I know that he likes school (up until today when I took him and went to leave him this morning and he cried so hard he puked in his mouth, so I had to take him to the bathroom to get him cleaned up to which he threw sobs says to me Mommy don't leave me they don't take good care of me, they don't feed me) and her as a teacher. I know that mistakes happen, I just don't want these type of mistakes happening to my child or any child for that matter, and that she needed to make things right to him and for him. She told me she would, and I hope to God that she does or the end of his pre-school days will be over before they ever truly begin... simply b/c I don't want to have to worry about him for those 6hrs a day.

One Month Old

2011-08-26T14:58:00.004-04:00

Little Miss *A*,

Today you are one month old. It hardly seems that you can be this old already. Maybe it's b/c you have only been home from the hospital for 2wks, so to me it feels as though you're only 2wks old. Earlier this week you had your 2wk home from the hospital post-partum check up for growth and development to make sure that you are staying on track. You weighed 6lbs15oz and was 18.75in at this appt. You are still my petite little preemie, and even on the preemie charts this only puts you in the 5th precentile for growth & development. I guess that would be why you are still in preemie sized clothing and why they are still a little big on you.

Since you have been home we have been allowed to let you sleep as long as you will sleep at night before waking and wanting a bottle. The longest that you have went has been 4hr15min straight. However, you have your days and nights super confused and when you wake for a bottle between 3-4am you want to stay awake until the sun rises. I blame this on you being in the NICU since they always would weigh, measure, bathe, and do your other vitals on night shift at the start of a new day (usually early morning hours)... thus you are confused. I'm hoping that as you get older we can change this.

You are still wanting to eat every 3hrs usually, except for your stretch at night but that is pretty close to 3hrs too. The amount that you take is still a struggle too. I know that as long as you take an 1 1/2 ounces (45ml's) per feeding right now that you will be alright your pediatrician says but that is the least amount that you should be taking. There are some feeding that you will take 2oz (60ml's) but that is a stretch. You are still on Simi*lac Neo*sure as you need the extra calories, but your pediatrician says that eventually you'll catch up and then you'll come off of that type of formula. Either way it doesn't bother me as long as you're staying on track and you don't end up back in the hospital for anything.

The past couple of days you have figured out what and where your hair is. I will catch you several times a day with your hand in the back of your head wide open feeling your hair. You get wide eyed with amazment when you do this, but I'm glad that you are learning and exploring already. Speaking of your hands (actually your thumbs), I think that if we would let you that you would be a thumb sucker. This is follwing in true fashion of your Aunt Blu who was a thumb sucker. I think that it is adorable that you are doing this, but I'm not sure how adorable it'll be in a year if you keep it up and we can't break you of the habit. So, we've been covering your hands with the flaps on your sleepers and listening to you whine while we rock you to sleep, b/c we refuse to give in to giving you back the pacifier.

Otherwise my sweet girl you are growing and developing and perfect in every way. You have cam into our crazy chaotic family and made it even crazier and more chaotic, but we wouldn't know what we would do without you, b/c you've made our lives complete! We love you more and more each day, and you are truly one of our greatest blessings.

Love-

Mama

1st Day of Pre-School

2011-08-25T14:25:00.002-04:00

I can not believe that I now have a pre-schooler. Today was *B*'s 1st day of pre-school. He was so very excited to go. I know I hardly slept last night with all the anxiety for him for his first day. I felt like I was going to my first day of a new school year all over again like I did when I was school aged. He doesn't ride the bus, which is a curse (with a new baby and throwing off our schedules) and a blessing (I can monitor who he's in contact with and control things better in this out of my control situation), so I will be taking him back and forth to school.

Before leaving this morning I packed his lunch for school. It was such a surreal feeling. I asked him what he wanted and the night before we went grocery shopping and he had picked out something things for his lunch. For his lunch he chose a chicken nugget lunchable meal. I packed an extra drink (cap*ri sun juice) and a package of fruit snacks to go with it. After we were all already and breakfast (chocolate chip waffle) was ate, we headed out the door. But not before stopping to snap a couple photos to remember the big day.We pulled out and arrived at school at 8:45am. School starts at 9:00am, so we had plenty of time for him to settle into what was going to happen once we got there. Instantly he was hypered up about school, but slowly started to settle down once more and more kids started arriving and were upset. Once it was 9:00am the teacher had all the students line up single file and walk down to their classroom from the gym where they were waiting. He followed the directions so well, and I couldn't of been more proud. When we got down to the classroom the teacher had all the students sit and they started to work on their first art project of the class year. She had their names written on construction paper to which she outlined each letter with glue, and then they were to put different craft materials on the glue. He went straight to work.

I stayed with him for a little over an hour during which time he put together a puzzle, played with legos and a train, and got in trouble and sat in time out for throwing stuffed food toys in the classroom. After that the class was headed to the gym to burn off some steam, so I figured that was my time to make my grand exit. I told him "Good-bye" quickly with a kiss and a hug and out the door I went. He never cried, but once the school doors closed behind me I bawled like a baby. My first born, my baby... he's growing so fast and is now a BIG boy AND a pre-schooler... sniff, sniff... *sigh* time flies. Thank goodness school is over at 3pm today and he'll be home with me again. :)

And In the Blink Of An Eye... She's Here!!

2011-08-12T20:26:00.006-04:00

This is my final belly pic that was taken from my pregnancy. It was taken on July 23th and I was exactly 37wks pregnant. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last belly pic or that in two days time when I went into my OB's office for my NST that things would change.On July 25th when I went for my NST appt I thought it would be an appt like any other. However upon arrival I already had that gut feeling that this would be the last full day that I would be pregnant. I had had a severe headache for 3 days & the end of the 23rd I started swelling and it didn't go down. I packed my hospital bag and headed to the OB. When I arrived my BP was taken and I peed in a cup. My protien dipstick was a +3 spill over & my BP was 194/90. I was hooked up to the NST monitor. After an hour on the monitor and a couple of contractions with very little movement other than vigorous distressed movement that made the Little Miss' heart rate drop my OB finally came in my room. He went over the NST strip printout & then checked me & did an u/s. I was 2cm dialated & she was weighing 5lbs15oz give or take a bit. He told me that things didn't look very well and it was in mine and her best interest for her to be outside of me rather than inside. He then instructed me to go straight to L&D to be admitted and for pitocin to be started.

I left his office in a haze. I called DH who was at work to let him know what was going on and that he need to get to the hospital ASAP. I drove around the hospital to the main entrance and went to L&D. I was admitted, blood work was drawn, & the IV with pitocin & magnesium sulfate for my high BP was started all by 5pm. DH finally arrived & the contractions were getting intense. I continued to contract regularly & be checked every couple of hours. At 9pm, I called- the nurse to tell her I couldn't handle the pain any longer and to see if I could be checked again so I could get my epidural. I was still only 2cm dialated & -2 station, but I was having trouble breathing through the contractions and was crying b/c they hurt so badly. The nurse decided to call my OB to see if he would allow pain medication in my IV, instead he told her to call the anesthesiologist for my epidural so that I could progress with dialation. At 9:30pm I received my epidural and I was pain-free and in heaven.

At midnight I was checked again and I was a stretchy 7cm almost an 8 and at a 0 station. I was comfortable, but I couldn't sleep. I kept getting the chills & shakes that you get when you receive and epidural so it was hard for me to sleep. Plus I was too excited to sleep knowing that it wouldn't be very long before I would be meeting my baby girl. At 3am I started to be able to feel my contractions again and I had the urge to push, so I called for the nurse. When she checked me she said that I was complete and had a bulging bag of water & told me absolutely do not push. She paged my OB. At 3:25am my OB had arrived and was checking me only to find the same thing as the nurse and he too instructed me not to push. At this point the bed was then broke down, everyone got into position & gowned up. At 3:41am my OB broke my bag of water, and told me when I felt my next contractions to push with full force. 2 contractions, 2 pushes, and 2 minutes later my daughter made her presence into the world.

I'd like to Welcome to the World my beautiful daughter Alianna Brooke!!

Born: July 26, 2011 at 3:43am

Weight: 5lbs5oz Height: 18.5in Apgars: 6 & 7

When she was born she had issues with her breathing and had to be rushed to the NICU. I never got to hold her, and only got to see her for about 30 seconds. She had to be put on a machine to help her breathe called a C-Pap to begin with, but after about 6hrs and still struggling to breathe with that she had to be intubated and put on a ventilator with steriod medicine dispersed in the oxygen for her lungs. It was determined that she had lung immaturity with what is known as "sticky lungs." After 24hrs of being on the ventilator she began breathing over it was again put back on C-Pap. A couple of days later she finally was down graded to a nasal cannula, only to end up back on C-Pap b/c it was thought that she had developed pneumonia. On Sunday, July 31st another chest x-ray was done for the pneumonia & her lab work came back and it was determined that it was only her lung sticking together again with the sticky lung. She was able to go back to nasal cannula that day, and by the next day she didn't even need that. She went into an incubator type isolette from a warming bed at this point and was breathing room air. At this time she was also being treated for jaundice, and had to be under a glow lamp.

At this point all she had been given in the way of food had been formula through a feeding tube in her mouth and then again in her nose, so the battle began. She had to learn how to eat on her own. How to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time. She struggled with this, and started out at only 10cc's which is only 1/3 of an ounce of formula. This amount was well below the amount that she should be taking for her age and weight. Finally on August 8th she had mastered eating what she was supposed to (42cc's) in the 15-20 minute time frame she was alotted and was able to hold her body temperature outside of the isolette, and was allowed to finally go home. She was 13 days old, and from the very beginning God had a plan for when she would arrive in the world and how things would go. I say this b/c she was born on my deceased MIL's birthday, and came home my deceased best-friend's birthday.
She's 17 days old today and as of this past Wednesday she weighed 6lbs even at the pediatrician's office. I love being a mother of two, but it's been a huge transition and trying to split my time between the two (especially when she was in the hospital) has been my greatest challenge... but it's not one that I would change any part of for anything in the world.

Fears, Complications, & Meltdowns

2011-07-18T14:38:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I'm in the home stretch of this pregnancy. It's a surreal feeling being 36w2d along. Lately there has been quite a bit of stuff going on. So, I'll start with how I titled this post.

Fears: I keep thinking about if I'll be able to handle being a mother of 2. I'm great as a mother of *B*, but I don't want him to feel left out when the Little Miss arrives. That is one of my biggest fears is if I'll be able to manage my time accordingly when I already know I'll be a single mom throughout the day and babies take up a huge amount of anyone's time. I worry that *B* will feel left out. I worry that even though the Little Miss has flipped and is now currently head down that I'll still end up having to have a c-section. I'm scared that my hormonal pregnancy attitude I've been sporting that has alienated most all people in my life is starting to sneak into my marriage. I know that DH loves me and I love him, but somedays I feel as though our marriage is hanging by a thread b/c I'm so bitchy. I'm scared that I'll have PPD again and I won't be able to function and I'll be left at home with 2 kids sitting on the couch or in the chair bawling and in shambles while my DH works hard to support us. Maybe it's just me, but I'm hoping that these are all normal late pregnancy fears, and that everything will be alright.

Complications: Apparently I am sporting the pregnancy complications of pre-e again. This past Thursday I was admitted into L&D for high BP (190s/90s) and protien in my urine. Once I got there and got all settled with meds my BP started to come down, but I'm still not out of the woods. My 24hr urine protien came back at 185, which was lower than my original baseline urine of 191.2. I have to have twice a week NSTs now and I'm on strict bedrest until this Saturday when I'll be 37wks and my OB says whatever happens happens and he'll let her come into this world if need be. Can I just say how hard it was to be away from DH & *B* for 24hrs. I have no clue how I'm going to be able to do it once the Little Miss actually does arrive in the world. I just hope that I don't keep having high BPs as they make me so sick and so very moody. Guess time will only tell.

Meltdowns: Yep, that should be my middle name these days. Everytime I turn around I'm snapping at this person or that person. I have a strong patience for everyone and everything usually but I just can not handle being pregnant anymore and all the non-caring, stupidity stricken, nagging, and annoying people that surround me. I know I'm almost at the end of this pregnancy and these hormones will go away but in the meantime I'm killing off relationships I have with others one by one. In the moment it feels good b/c then I know I won't have to deal with the preson anymore the rest of this pregnancy, but after thought and it's all said and done I realize I'll probably kill off the relationship permanently not just until I'm no longer pregnant and that greatly saddens me. In the meantime I'm just trying to steer clear of everyone unless they come and ask me what is going on so that I don't lose another friendship or family member.

So, with all that being said... HURRY UP 38WKS AND GET HERE ALREADY!! I'm miserable & I'm over ready to be done.

35w0d

2011-07-09T16:04:00.003-04:00

I feel like such a slacker when it comes to documenting this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with *B* I was on top of everything. I never wanted to forget a moment, no matter how big or small it was. Now that I'm already a mother and this is my second pregnancy (and I hate to admit this) I don't feel as documenting everything is so significant. I don't want my daughter to feel as though she's second rate and I didn't care as much, but fact is I do. It's just this pregnancy has been so eventful (not that *B*'s wasn't just as eventful) and having a 4yr old to go with that has made blogging about all the little things (and the big things too apparently) really hard.

So, any way... I'm exactly 35wks pregnant today. My belly sure has grown since my last belly shot post:

I've done really good with taking belly shots every couple of weeks even if I don't post them.

The gestational diabetes has been treating me fairly decently. I've had to increase my meds twice (about every 3wks) since I found out. My high risk OB said that this is fairly common in pregnancy with women with GD that had PCOS with IR prior to pregnancy. I've only gained a total of 17lbs this entire pregnancy. That is way different from the 49lbs I gained with *B*.

I've recently been being closely monitored for the potential of pre-e. I had pre-e with my son that developed into toxemia where I started to have temor like seizures in my extremities. The risks of having pre-e again are fairly minimal in an uncomplicated pregnancy, but since I have GD the stress of dealing with that can also cause an increase in the risk of having pre-e. My blood pressures had been good, but they fluctuate and my last couple appts were a bit on the higher side of normal. Not to mention that I had a +2 on the urine dipstick for protien. I had to do the 24hr urine clean catch which showed a protien count of 192. Over 300 is considered dangerous, so it's up there but I'm not in the worry zone about it quite yet.

However, I am in the worry zone about having a c-section. The Little Miss is still breech (as of yesterday to be exact). She's in a frank breech position... meaning her head and feet are at the top of my uterus while her butt is in my pelvic region. My high risk OB discussed with my doing a technique called aversion rotation to try to flip her starting at 36wks gestation and doing it each week until she flips or my "term" date* that they have made for me. He mentioned a few of the risks with percentages on each, and of course all of the benefits with success percentages. I watched a couple videos on YouTube of this procedure, and it looks so scary and mega painful to her and me.

*My "term" date has been established at 38wks gestation b/c of me having GD. They don't want her to get too big, and the last 4wks of gestation is when babies pack on the pudge. Also, b/c she is breech going past 38wks with the potential poundage she could put on makes a c-section after this period in pregnancy alot more complicated as well.

I start going to my regular OB starting this week twice a week for NSTs. I love hearing her little heartbeat on the monitors. Unfortunately I don't love that I have to do this twice a week b/c of the contractions I've been having. I'm 1cm dialated currently, and only 10-15% thinned and effaced. I've only got 3wks left and I've begun the count down. I'm getting uncomfortable as the heat & humidity climbs around here, so I'm just ready to be done already. But anyhow, that is the update on the pregnancy homefront around these here parts. I'll try to keep ya'll updated as things progress or change. In the meantime I'm off to soak up the summer sun with my DH, god-daughter, & amazing son. Hope ya'll are doing the same.

Happy 4th Birthday B!!!!

2011-07-01T11:08:00.002-04:00

I can't believe that 4yrs ago today I finally became a Mother. That day forever has changed my life. My heart now walks around outside of my body and will forever. He currently is 52lbs & 42in tall. A huge difference from the 6lbs9oz & 20in he came into the world at. He also got accepted into pre-school for this fall which he is thrilled about.

I love you, baby. Happy 4th Birthday!! I hope that your Cars2 themed party tomorrow is everything that you want it to be.

**I have much more to write about, such as the pregnancy thus far, more on *B*, and just a general update. Oh and I can't believe that I've missed the whole month of June in the blogosphere. Alas though, these things will have to wait as I have a ton of food to prepare for *B*'s party tomorrow that about 40 guests will be attending. Stay tuned I'll be back ASAP.**

WARNING: SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!

2011-05-27T12:55:00.003-04:00

MELTDOWN IN 3.... 2.... 1.... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(So, that you're aware before you proceed through this entry there is some vulgarity, alot of whining, bitching, and complaining. You are forewarned.)

The past two weeks have been weeks from hell, to put it mildly. It started with going to my new OB for my first appt. That wasn't that bad. But, I had to have the 1hr GTT done, that all women get done while at this point in their pregnancy. I failed that with flying colors, of course. So, I had the 3hr GTT done. Failed that too with flying colors. So, I had to see a diabetic dietitian and a diabetic counseling nurse. All that was fine too. What wasn't fine was that even given my new diet plan, and following it to the "T" I was having high sugars and severe lows. So, I had to call my OB to let him know what was going on. He then increased my oral insulin (Gly*buride) and referred me to a high risk specialist that deals with nothing but pregnant women that have gestational diabetes. The problem with this is it is an hour and forty-five minute drive away from where I live. Shit!

Seriously having GD has been a huge pain in my ass, and I've only been dealing with it for a week and a half. I hate having headaches from bouncing sugars. I hate having to watch my diet and my total carb count. I hate feeling shakey when my sugar drops to rapidly. I hate pricking my fingers 7 times a day. I hate that I have sore fingertips that even hurt to type let alone do anything else with. I hate that I have to sit by watching my family eat things I love, while I can't do it. I hate that this has honestly been the one complication that I've had so far, when I was really looking forward to an uneventful pregnancy this go round since my pregnancy with *B* was so complicated & intense. I hate that I feel like I can no longer enjoy this pregnancy, and that I feel like I'm counting down the days until it'll be over just so that I don't have to deal with this shit anymore.

If you've ever had GD, and have never dealt with sugar issues before I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It is like torture for a pregnant person. You want to eat when you want to eat, and you want to eat what you want to eat whenever. I constantly feel like I'm starving b/c I'm only allowed to eat every 3hrs, and the the options I have to eat feel limiting to me and most certainly do not fill me up. Oh and then there is the drinking water and only water thing. I love water don't get me wrong. It's my go to drink. However, I like to drink a sweet tea or a can of soda every once in awhile. If you drink one 12oz drink of either that is already one 30g total carb meal or snack and you haven't even ate anything with it. ARGH! Oh and it's summer and two of my favorite things to eat (ice cream & popscicles) are HUGE no-no's.

I know I need to be looking to the brighter side of things and seeing that this is such a small price to pay to ensure optimal health for my in-utero daughter who needs me, but damn it's sooooo hard for me. I'm doing better on my higher dosage sugar med, but it still feels like I'm depriving myself of things. I just have to keep telling myself there is only 11wks or less until she makes her presence in the world, and I can do it. I have to do it, for her health and my own.

Oh and as if dealing with having GD isn't bad enough *B* had his adnoid & tonsilectomy done a week ago today. He didn't have to have tubes put in his ears thank goodness. He was a champ at eating directly after the surgery with 2 popscicles, a chocolate chip cookie, chicken & stars soup with crackers, orange sherbet ice cream, about 5 bites of a sub I was eating for lunch, and some gold* fish crackers. His appetite is much different now though. I'm lucky to get him to eat one thing a day and drink 12oz or so of fluid. He's healing fine, but his whining from pain has me at my breaking point too. I know that he can't change how he feels thus he can't change his reactions to how he feels, but it's very exhausting for me. DH helps as much as he can when he's not working, but most times I feel like he makes him cry when he's home. I know he doesn't mean to and he's just parenting *B* how he should be parented when he's not sore, it's just that it's hard on me seeing him crying. I tend to give him whatever he wants when DH isn't here just so that I don't have to listen to the constant whimpering and whining that has become and everyday thing now for a week.

Go ahead pass me the Bad Mother Award, I don't give a shit. I'm dealing with enough as it is, what's one more thing to deal with or be criticized on. I can't wait until he's back to 100%... it most certainly can not come fast enough. I think this Mama needs a vacation... PRONTO!

*sigh*

Failed A Test

2011-05-15T16:53:00.006-04:00

Hey ya'll!! Long time no blog. Things are going good here on the pregnancy & home fronts. Today I am currently 27w1d pregnant, and things seem to be moving along quite well. However, there have been a couple of minor (and one major, but now resolved) setbacks.

First and foremost the major set back was having to find a new OB at 22wks pregnant. I went in for my last OB visit with my old (but new to my gynecological history) Dr. When I was in there it was the 3 appt. that I had asked him about monitoring my TSH levels for my hypothyroidism. I also asked him about getting re-fills for my Metformin, Synthroid, and what he was going to do about my BP since he had taken me off of my BP meds at the beginning of my pregnancy and I was having slightly elevated BPs. His responses to my questions made me shutter. He told me to go off my Metformin completely and he wasn't prescribing me a re-fill for it and that I shouldn't even be taking it while pregnant. Any PCOSer that has been pregnant and carried to term should know that remaining on Metformin throughout your pregnancy is extremely beneficial. It helps prevent miscarriage early on in pregnancy AND later in pregnancy helps to prevent pre-term labor (which I am/was at risk for both). I asked him if he had medical documents for proof of these findings, b/c my previous OB had told and showed me things contray to these statements of his he was telling. His response was I'm sure I do but, I'll have to look for them. In the meantime go off the Metformin and get your GTT done.

I again asked him about my thyroid after he had said this all to me, and he told me I wasn't presenting with signs of my TSH being out of order so he didn't think that I needed it tested. Ladies with hypothyroidism, please if your OB tells you this while pregnant... FIND ANOTHER OB!! Having your TSH level test frequently (like every 4-6wks) while pregnant is crucial. If your TSH is out of order at anytime throughout your pregnancy and your medication is not regulated it can harm your baby's brain development in-utero and also cause developmental delays for your child once s/he is born. I questioned his judgement on this and again he repeated himself to me.

Also, about the BP meds. He told me that I had nothing to worry about that my BP was fine. Ummm, not hardly. I had pre-e that changed into eclampsia and finally toxemia while I was pregnant with *B*. This is caused from unmonitored or untreated hypertension and your body's natural defense mechanism fromt eh liver filtering out the toxins appropriately. Being that I have had chronic hypertension since early 2006 before I was ever pregnant with my son and then extreme hypertension involving the complications that I had with him, this is something that any OB should definitely be on top of throughout your pregnancy instead of letting it go.

Over all I just felt like I had slipped through the cracks in the care of this OB and office, AND that he is a quack!! So, I started with calling my insurances once I left his office and finding out if I could switch Dr's this late in my pregnancy. I was told yes, but that I might have a difficult time finding one that would accept me since I was past 20wks pregnant. They gave me a list of OBs affiliated with different hospitals within a certain distance of me that accepted my insurances. I started calling, and thankfully the very last OB that I had contacted and was waiting on hearing back from on if they would accept me called back. His office would indeed accept me. So, this past Monday was my first appt.

When I went in there I had been suffering from severe migraines that weren't allergy related. I thought for sure they were from having high BPs. My BP when I was in there was only 122/80, and I had a migraine. This new OB was so thorough, and I was very pleased with him. He went along with everything my original OB had told me about my meds and monitoring. We spoke in his office, then I went to an exam room and was looked over, and finally ended in the u/s room getting to see the Little Miss. She was measuring right on track, weighing in at 1lb13oz so far, and her HR was 146bpm. The OB said that my headaches could be anything from high BP (which it wasn't high that day) to sugar issues to allergies to changing hormone levels. He ordered a whole battery of bloodwork including the 1hr GTT. That is the test I failed, and it is one that I couldn't study or prepare for. When the nurses called the following day about my test results she told me I had failed it miserably, that they don't like to see numbers over 130 and mine was pushing 300. So, I was ordered the to do the 3hr GTT.

That test was done on Friday the 13th. I don't have the results back yet for that (but will tomorrow), and I'm not superstitious but I don't have high expectations for the results from this test. It was like torture for me (and if you've ever had it done you too). I had to fast for 12hrs before the initial blood FBS blood draw. That level came back at 122 after not eating or drinking for 12hrs. Then I had to drink that nasty overloaded with sugar flat Orange Sunkist tasting drink. Blech! At the end of the test I had been poked 5 times for blood draws ever hour on the hour (I only needed to be poked 4 times but one time the lab tech blew threw my vein), had an extreme migraine as well as the shakes. You don't realize how hungry you are when you're pregnant until you've been forced to go without for food for 15 1/2hrs. Yeah, extreme torture is the only way I can go about describing the 3hr GTT.

So, those are my major and minor set backs... but honestly unless I find out I failed the 3hr GTT I don't think they are that bad now looking back. So, that being said I'll leave you with my belly shots from 20wks, 22wks, 24wks (Easter Sunday), and 26wks (last week, Mother's Day). The Little Miss is growing like a weed and so is my belly. I just wish I could feel her on the outside more, instead of feeling on her kicking in my cervical area. She's still breech the little stinker any way. Enjoy!

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-04-26T16:48:00.004-04:00

Thank you so much Wifey for the nomination!! I'm surprised that I received this nomination as I've been a slacker blogger lately. None-the-less I'm honored, so thank you again. :)

Here are the rules:
1.) Winners- Put the above image in your blog.
2.) Include a link back to the person who gave it to you.
3.) Tell 10 things about yourself
4.) Award 15 other bloggers
5.)Contact the bloggers you awarded and let them know they won.

The award image is right there at the top of this post, and I've linked back to the amazing woman who nominated me (make sure you check her blog out). To post this image to your blog right click on the image and then select "save picture as." It should already come up named and save to where you store your pictures on your computer, all you have to do from there is upload it like you would any other picture to your blog.

Now, to tell 10 things about myself.
1.) I am pregnant with our second blessing. In case you've missed it in past posts we are also expecting a GIRL!!
2.) Speaking of our little girl, we have finally decided on a name. However, we're not telling until she's here on Earth, b/c it never fails someone takes our name before we get the chance to use it. 3.) I never thought I'd be able to say that after we have this bundle of joy that "We're done." From the very beginning of DH and my relationship we agreed on one boy and one girl, but once we found out about our infertility woes that slightly changed. We said after *B* that if we were blessed again and it was a boy we would try for a third, but if we ended up with three boys we were done at three regardless. Well, as luck would have it one boy, one girl... I'm getting rid of my junk female insides once she's here.
4.) Even though we've miraculously conceived both of our children naturally when we weren't trying beating alot of the infertility statistics and odds, I still consider myself an infertile. I don't think that that will ever change since we were trying it never happened and we spent thousands of dollars for hundreds of BFNs. To me I still feel broken even though alot of my fellow readers would consider it otherwise.
5.) I've been battling depression my entire pregnancy. Actually, I was dealing with it before I was pregnant, but mix in the addtional hormones and it's much worse. I'm not on any meds for my depression currently, but eventually I'll have to give in before she gets here and get a handle on things so I can function more normally.
6.) Things with my DH and I really aren't that great. We have been having our back and forth battles. We are striving and struggling as a couple to find each other again, and personally for myself fall back in love with him. Our past can not be just that... the past, and we struggle with realizing that and with realizing that we should turn to one another for support instead of other people. And, even though we are at a better place right now on the way to getting there we were thisclose to divorce.
7.) I consider myself a photographer. I love to take pictures (mostly of my family & friends right now) and I hope to one day once my little ones are a bit older make it a part-time to full-time profession. I still have alot to learn in the photography department, but slowly I'm getting there. Now, if I could just get a different camera and better lenses I'd be all set.
8.) I withdrew from college. When I found out I was pregnant I was getting ready to start my second quarter, and I wasn't very far along in my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with *B* I was super sick, and figured that I would be the same way this time around and I didn't want my perfect 4.0 GPA to suffer due to my illness, so I withdrew. After the Lovebug is here I intend to enroll again for Fall '11 quarter, though, so I can continue on to getting my Bachelor's degree in Radiology.
9.) I'm beginning to think that the rain will never let up here. I thought about having an arc building party b/c of all the flooding but figured that would make everyone's moods even worse. In the month of April we've had 2-3in of rain everytime it's rained for 18 days of the 26 so far this month, and the forecast doesn't appear to be changing for at least the next 2wks either. I'm really missing the sun and hoping it'll return and soon, before we float away.
10.) *B* was evaluated for pre-school last week. I thought before his eval that he might of had ADHD as he showed alot of signs of it. After his evaluation I was (and still am) the happiest most amazed Mama EVER! The behavioralist that sat in on his eval said that he doesn't have ADHD instead he's bored. He was ranging in levels of knowledge at the age of a 6yr old... he's only 3!!! They said that he'll have to really be challenged when he goes to school, but currently the pre-school we were looking at isn't the right fit for him as he's already exceeded above and beyond what they would teach him this coming year there. So, now I have to re-think what we're going to do for him in the fall for social interaction. Regardless, I'm just so impressed with my little man that I'm speechless.

Now, to nominate 15 other blogger that I think would be deserving of this award. (How do you nominate just 15, when so many are deserving? ARGH!) Any way, here goes and please don't take offense if I haven't named you, b/c you're more than welcome to do this to and take the award from my blog and pass it on to other bloggers as everyone deserves recognition.

1.) babyinterrupted at baby, interrupted
2.) RELH at Plans Change
3.) wifey at Semi-Fertile
4.) Tara at Our Journey
5.) Jill at The Averitt Fam
6.) J at Her Womb, Our Hearts
7.) Rachel at Operation Rosebud
8.) Jenna at Among the Blossoms
9.) Angie at Infertility Revisited
10.) pithydithy at Pithydithy
11.) Steph at As Told by Steph
12.) Rachel at Chasing Mommyhood
13.) Shana at Gorillabuns
14.) Kellyanne at Diary of a Miracle formerly known as Finding Me After IF
15.) This spot is reserved for YOU, b/c as I said everyone deserves a little recognition and a nomination/award. So, feel free to post your blog URL in the comments, and everyone else please don't forget to check out the other nominees and their blogs. :)

I've Got A Secret!!!

2011-03-23T13:52:00.004-04:00

If you know me you probably already know what the secret is or you're guessing right now trying to figure it out.

Guess no more!! I'll spill the beans for you. LOL!

Yesterday, we had to take *B* to Children's Hospital for all the ailments that he had been dealing with to see an ENT. The Dr. said that he has to have a sleep study done since I mentioned things that point to sleep apnea. I was told that he doesn't at this time need tubes in his ears, but he will more than likely need his tonsils and adnoids removed. They are very enlarged for his age. So, after the sleep study to make sure he won't need any other sleeping devices we will go for our follow-up to see if surgery is eminent.

Any way, while we in the big city we scheduled ourselves for an elective 3D/4D ultrasound to see if our little lovebug would cooperate so that we could find out if we were having a boy or a girl. This is what we found...

A thumb sucking, finger pointing (already), little DIVA!!!

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Sorry To Keep You Waiting But...

2011-03-16T15:47:00.004-04:00

I'm still waiting too. :( We went to the gender u/s & of course our little one wouldn't cooperate with revealing his or her bits. The Dr. went over everything and said that all perfect parts of our little Lovebug were just that... PERFECT!! In the beginning of the u/s he thought he saw little boy parts, but at the end of the u/s he thought the baby was looking more like a girl. I'm kind of thinking that my Dr's u/s equiptment might be from the Ic*e A*ge or something actually. I mean I know the TV we get to few the u/s on is since I can only get VHS tapes made of the u/s and I don't even own a VCR. But alas I took my camera and shot a video. Be fore-warned when you watch this video that it is VERY shakey at some points and may make you nauseous... the camera switched hands from mine to DH's at a point b/c I had to push on my belly and reposition my fat flap so the Dr. could get a better view. You can see the shots he did get from between the legs, and tell me what you think. And if you want to hear the commentary from the u/s turn up the volume. :)

Baby was in a breech anterior position for most of the u/s so it was hard to see things. Plus, the baby was in this knees to his or her chest with his or her ankles crossed in an indian style seating position. But, as I said you can watch the video and tell me what you think the gender is from seeing other u/s's. DH won't let me buying anything with a specific pink or blue color since we don't know. I'm bummed about that... but at least we'll get to try for a second attempt at the gender on April 11th. However I'm thinking about going to a 3D/4D ultrasound places in a week or so to get another u/s done, but this time in 3D/4D.

Enjoy the video and Happy Hump Day!!

Headed To The OB

2011-03-15T08:00:00.000-04:00

We're getting ready to leave for the BIG REVEAL ULTRASOUND!! Please send some open leg with it all hanging out vibes our way this morning. Appt is at 9:30am, and I'll update with the gender of our Lovebug as soon as I'm home. Happy Tuesday ya'll!!

PS: Voting in the gender poll lasts until the time of the start of our appt. So vote if you haven't... we're curious to see how your votes weigh-in against what the gender really is. :)

Belly Shots

2011-03-12T17:41:00.001-05:00

My first belly shots that I have taken for this pregnancy. I feel like I'm slacking on documenting this pregnancy with Baby#2, since I started with *B* at the moment I found out I was pregnant. Any way, everything has been going well (knock on wood). My belly is growing and I'm looking more round in the belly instead of that pleasantly plump look. Here are my 15w2d & 17w0d belly shots in order accordingly.

I'm starting to get really excited about finding out the gender of our bundle of joy. Actually more like anxious. I find out this coming Tuesday. (For those that haven't voted yet in my gender poll, it's over there in the right sidebar... I'm curious to know what you think we're having.) I can't wait to start buying baby stuff, and I can't wait to know if I can start picking out pink or blue instead of the gender neutral items that we've been buying for the baby.

Speaking of buying things for the baby, last weekend was the first time we'd bought anything. DH, my bestie *J*, *B*, and I all went for a day trip. We went to a child clothing consignment shop. We got a few sleepers & onsies, the diaper bag I wanted, baby monitors, and a cute little pair of airwalk flip flops in size 1. DH got so excited when we bought that stuff, and said that he couldn't wait to start buying other things. Of course first we want to know the gender, but I thought it is was really cute that he was getting excited about the baby since we haven't really showed that much excitement about him or her b/c of the fear of m/c-ing.

Cute Monster-isms & Milestones

2011-02-23T13:29:00.003-05:00

My little man isn't such a little man any more these days. With him sleeping in a twin size bed now instead of a toddler bed, riding his big boy bike one handed with much grace, and being able to dress himself... He's growing in leaps and bounds.

Currently he's 3yrs 7mths 22 days old. He weighs 47.2lbs and is 3ft 2in tall. He's in the 90th percentile for both height and weight for his age. He wears size 5T in pants, 4/5 in shirts, and size 10 in shoes. His pedi. says he's the size of a 5yr old. A FIVE YEAR OLD!!! How can that be? He's supposed to be my little man, not my big boy.

He's such at such a great age, even though he still has his moments of tantrum and is as opinionated as ever. He's a great helper boy to me while I'm pregnant. He always asks me if I'm ok, and kisses my belly (what he's calling his baby sister) many times daily.

He's very passionate about learning and wants to go to pre-school in the fall. He can count to 12 without fail, and tries for 20, but skips numbers between 12 and 20. He can say almost all the ABC's without missing any letters, but his excitement while saying gets the letters flip-flopped here and there. He can recognize many of his ABC's written out, but has been having a hard time writing them out himself. He knows all 8 colors in a classic box of crayons, and quite a few colors that aren't in a classic box (ie: pink, gray, white, silver, gold).

He has a love for Sponge*bob and Toy Sto*ry (specifically Woody). He has a love for our cat, Mr. Kitty, and always wants to sleep with and snuggle him. He loves being outdoors, and loves to travel even if it's just to Wal*Mart. He loves to wrestle around and play many sports, but at the end of the day he's still my best & favorite cuddler.

He's been coming up with some cute saying lately too. A few of my favorites are:

"Mommy, my toe sleeves are too long." (His pant legs are long.)
"Will you please put cotton candy in my ears, they hurt." (Cotton balls.)
"Them smelly bubbles tickle between my fingers." (Washing his hands with foaming anit-bacterial soap.)
"I'm hungry for a sand-burger, Mommy." (Either a sandwich or a hamburger... maybe his combo of both... LOL!)
"I just blew a hole... LOL!" (What he calls passing gas, and giggling uncontrollably about it.)

and my favorite by far even though it's gross...

"Maybe if all the gold in my nose gets harder we'll be able to cash it in for more Play-doh." (This came about while he was sick. I went to the jeweler to get DH's wedding band fixed after he broke it at work. The jeweler told me it couldn't be fixed, but I could have the stones cut out of it to keep and cash in the gold for dough, b/c it's a hard gold. So, when of course he was picking his nose a few days later I told him to quit digging for gold, and this is what I got back in return. LOL!)

ICLW, On The Mend, & Other Stuff

2011-02-21T00:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome ICLW!! If you don't know me or about me feel free to poke around my blog and find out. A good place to start would be above this entry in my header bar under "My TTC Journey." I also encourage you to follow my blog as well, b/c my motto for blog following is "I gain a follower, you gain a follower."

Briefly though... My name is Catrisha. I'm 27 years young, married, and currently 15w1d pregnant with #2. I've had recurrent m/c's and have battled infertility (specifically PCOS and hypothyroidism). Twice now I've beat the odds that my body has thrown at me time and time again of early m/c and non-conception to conceive my miracles... My son known as "The Monster" or "*B*" around here and our current bundle of joy that I'm carrying. We are anxiously awaiting our gender u/s which is scheduled for March 15th, and if you haven't already voted in my sidebar poll on what you think we're having feel free too b/c we're definitely curious to know what ya'll think. We're not particular on a specific gender, we're just happy to be adding to our family and hoping for a full-term pregnancy with minimal to no complications and a healthy baby.

Now back to my regularly scheduled blogging....

We're all on the mend from the cold & flu around here. Boy, am I glad about that. After the past few days with it being so nice, sunny, and warm here this is such a blessing. I was able to open our windows and air the germs out. My biggest concern was *B* who wasn't getting better very quickly. Finally he's on the mend too, but is only about 85-90% better. He still gets a tickling in his throat he'll tell you and start coughing... the bad part about that is it's at night when our heat has been on. So, I went on a clean sweep through thee entire house wiping everything down with Clo*rox and spraying disinfectant spray. I changed the filters in the furnace and I vacuumed out the vents. I'm thinking maybe this on-going persistent runny nose and cough he's been experiencing is allergies instead of a 3 1/2 month long cold. DH and I both have severe allergies and DH had to have allergy shots when he was little... now I think *B* might be following in our footsteps. I was hoping not, but with all this cleaning and things adding up to the causes of his ailments being dust, pollen, mold, & mildew (our basement recently started drawing in moisture with all the melting of the snow/ice giving it a horrid mildew-ish smell that it's never had before) related I'm think he is.

DH is going to be busy at work in the basement this coming week/end cleaning it better than I was able to, resealing it, and we've already gotten a dehumidifier/air purification unit down there to help. Hopefully we'll all be 100% in no time.

In other news... I've been feeling every once and awhile for a couple of days now the baby move. It's usually at night when I lay down for bed, and it's nothing I can feel on the outside but it's definitely there. It feels as best I can describe it like a little ball rolling across my belly from one side to the other and back again right beneath my belly button. It usually goes on for 5-10min before it stops and I can no longer feel it. I'm eager to start feeling more movement more during the day (and night), and to be able to start feeling it on the outside. That was my favorite part of being pregnant with *B*.

Also, speaking pregnancy related ever since I was sick with the flu I've been having morning sickness, which is more like wake up in the middle of the night and vomit my guts up sickness. I was sick like this with *B* while I was pregnant with him, but it started at 6wks to the day and ended at 15wks to the day and occurred EVERYDAY! I hadn't been sick hardly at all with this pregnancy and for it to start now at/around 15wks, sucks. I'm just hoping it's short lived, and passes quickly, and that phen*ergan continues to help when I'm able to take it.

**I hope that you've enjoyed this visit to my blog! Have a GREAT ICLW week & peace and blessings to you and yours!!**

Battling The Sickies

2011-02-15T19:44:00.004-05:00

I'm so tired of everyone in my family being sick, especially my little man. My poor *B* has been sick with a horrible cough and runny (green snot) nose since early November. I've been religiously taking him to see his pediatrician like clock work about every 14-15days. He's been on different antibiotics 6 different times in the past 3 1/2 months. He is always prescribed to take them 10days, and within 3-5days of finishing the medicine he's right back to the same symptoms. It's to the point he doesn't even want to take medicine any more, and yet he still sounds like a hound dog when coughing and is no better.

My Mommy heart breaks for him, b/c there is nothing that I can other than what I've been doing which is everything. I'm beginning to hate his pediatrician too, b/c I feel like she doesn't listen to me and that to her I'm just another mother that doesn't follow through with giving her child their meds. I'm not that type of Mom at all. Just 2wks ago I ended up in an arguement with her over this on-going ailment we've been dealing with. Poor *B*'s ears have been sensetive to sounds since mid-December, and each time we're in there I tell her and she says there is nothing wrong with his ears. I finally put my foot down and told her I thought she was a quack and that her specialty was pediatrics not the ears, nose, and throat and I wanted a referral to an ENT for him. After her (always drops the ball) staff took their sweet ass time (a week) and I called in there complaining I finally got the referral for my insurance for the ENT. The bad part is the appt isn't until March 22nd.

I have to call in daily to see if I can get an earlier an appt if there's a cancellation, but so far no luck. *B*'s poor stomach and pelvic floor muscles are so weak from all his coughing that he dribble pees his pants everytime he coughs. He'll come to me so upset and crying over this loss of dignity that he gained when becoming fully potty trained. My poor heart breaks for him many times a day, but I comfort him letting him know it's not his fault and everything will be alright. I also reassured him that he's not the only one that is experiencing this, as Mommy being sick and being pregnant is causing me to do the same thing. Of course I got a smile out of him from that, and a huge hug.

The worst part about him and this on-going sickness is that I keep getting it. I've been on 3 different antibiotics since becoming pregnant for the the same symptoms he has. Just this past week all three of us were deathly ill with the same symptoms (coughing, gagging until we puke, sinus congestion, and eventually runny noses with lots of sneezing). We all started the Z-pack this past Friday. DH no longer has any symptoms. I still have a tickle in my throat with a cough. *B* still sounds the same as when he began the medicine. *B* and I both ended up in the ER for dehydration. It's a vicious cycle that keeps repeating and I just wish that for once we could all be healthy, but apparently that's asking to damned much. ARGH!

On a side note: With having been so sick and not being able to keep anything down and being seen in the ER... I had to see the OB to make sure the baby was alright. I got an u/s done on Fri. when I was in there to get my script for the Z-pack, and baby was very active even though I'd only had a slice of toast in my system for the past 4days prior to the appt. The heartrate was 158bpm. My BP on Fri. was 140/87, but my OB wasn't worried he said it was my body's defense mechanism dealing with the stress of the sickness. I had to go back in there yesterday so that he could make sure that I was improving on the meds, and make sure he didn't need to admit me. On the doppler yesterday the baby's heartrate bounced between 152 and 158bpm. My BP was 128/78, and just over the weekend and being prescribed what I'm calling the miracle medicine (ph*energan) I gained back 4 of the 5lbs I had lost in the week before. So, baby is good even though I've been sick, and slowly I'm on the mend... just wish the little man was too.

One last side note: Don't forget to vote on my right sidebar on the baby's gender. Voting ends March 15th before the gender u/s. I'm curious to see what ya'll think we're having. Oh and I'm 14w2d today.

Official Pregnancy Related News

2011-02-04T15:43:00.001-05:00

Today was my last appt for PIO shots. Thank goodness for that, b/c my hips look like they've been the center of a battle zone. If you haven't ever had to have PIO shots let me tell you the serum is so thick it reminds me of glue, and it HURTS being injected in. I'm thankful for these shots though and the fact that it has kept my little Lovebug nestled deep in my uterus.

Also, today I was released from bedrest!! WOOT WOOT for this. I never had any complications to put me on bedrest except for my previous m/c's, so it was just precautionary but I was starting to get stir crazy. I was only going out once a week on my appt days, and I felt like I was cut off from the outside world b/c of this. I've been told to take it easy and not to over do it since the PIO will be wearing off and the natural progesterone from the placenta will take over in the next week and a half. I can take it easy, but I do know it sure will be nice to be able to do more.

Lastly, at my appt today my gender u/s was scheduled. We'll be finding out what we're having on March 15th. I'm soooo excited and can't wait. With that being said I'm going to put a poll up on on my sidebar for ya'll to vote on what you think we're having. Either way I don't care as long as everything keeps going as it has been (uneventful... knock on wood) and we have a healthy baby sometime from late July to mid August!! So, guess away!!

C-ya, Bye First Trimester!!

2011-02-01T19:56:00.002-05:00

Today I'm currently 12w3d. There's alot of date confusion on when the first trimester is over, but I'm proclaiming it over. My OB-GYN told me this past Friday that I would be in the second trimester as of the following day, so I'm taking his word for it. Speaking of OB appts., this coming Friday will be my last for the PIO shots. I must say that even though I'm nervous about going off the shots, I'm also relieved that my hips will no longer be in pain and the bruising will begin to subside. I'll also be completely off bedrest then as well. My OB also told me that 5wks from this Friday I'll get the gender u/s. I'm soooo excited to find out the sex of this little Lovebug, but either way I just would like a healthy baby.

The first trimester for this baby was so much different than when I was pregnant with *B*. When I was pregnant with *B* I was so horribly sick. It started at 6wks and lasted until I was a little past 15wks. I was sick all day every day and there were many of times I would wake from a dead sleep just to pray to the porcelain God. This pregnancy I've had none of that. I've been nauseous a hand-full (one hand-full) of times, and I can count all my bouts with vomiting on 3 fingers (knock on wood). I really haven't had that much in the way of symptoms except an insatiable appetite and acne like you would think I'm a teenager.

I'm already get a baby bump that I've had a few friends comment on. To me though, I just feel fat and bloated still. However, I do know that most of my regular pants are starting to feel very snug on my expanding belly.

I can't begin to explain how happy I am to be out of the first trimester. I'm able to breathe a sigh of relief just knowing this. I'm also happy that this little one has been a sticky one, and I've had a very uneventful pregnancy thus far. I just keep thinking about all the m/c's and my pregnancy with *B* and how touchy everything was with them. I'm so glad this time around is seemingly much easier, and that I've found an OB that I thoroughly love that completely cares about me and has made my pregnancy so enjoy.

That's about all I have to report for now, other than hunkering down and preparing for this bad winter storm that's been going threw here for the past 24hrs. I'm hoping that all of you that are effected like we've been or worse are safe and have prepared yourselves too.

PS: Does anyone know how to contact Kellyanne from Finding ME After IF? She went private yesterday, and I missed her announcement on getting her my e-mail addy so she could add me as a reader. I would like to continue reading so if anyone knows how to get in contact with her could you let me know or let her know about me and give her my e-mail address that's listed in my sidebar, please? Thanks so much and have a good week.

Errrr!!!! (Edited)

2011-01-24T17:13:00.004-05:00

Thank you Krystal for your comment and advice. It was a problem with Blogger. It's now fixed and my blog is now sporting a new makeover. ENJOY ya'll!! :)

Seriously Blogger is pissing me off. I've always made my own headers for my blog using GIMP. I just had a GIMP header up but it was still on the Christmas theme. So today, b/c I had time, I decided to make a Valentine's Day header and put the matching background from TCBOTB with it. Now the old header and even the new header are all distorted looking. I'm seriously about to have a meltdown. I didn't just spend the last 2hrs working on this to have my blog look like shit. I'm sorry to anyone visiting... I don't know what the problem is, but I will try to figure it out and fix it. Please just bare with me. And in the meantime if you have any ideas (aside from uploading my header to a another site like Photobucket which I've done) please feel free to clue me in. Thanks and have a GREAT rest of your Monday.

Things Are GREAT!!

2011-01-16T21:40:00.004-05:00

Hey Dreamers! Sorry that I've kept you waiting in the shadows so long without a proper update on me and how the pregnancy is progressing. (I'm going to knock on wood before I even begin.)

Today I am 10wks1day pregnant. I haven't had much in the way of pregnancy symptoms other than a few boughts with nausea, a pizza face look from acne, morning sickness three times thus far, and headaches.

I've been on bedrest since I found out that I am pregnant and went the Dr. for the first time (12/18/10). The bedrest has only been a precaution since I've had early m/c's to prevent another one. I found out that I have low rising progesterone early in this pregnancy, and my new OB is suspecting that to be the cause of my prior m/c's. Due to the low rising progesterone I've been on PIO shots. Let me tell you the hips are killing me, and I'll be greatfully glad to be finished with them between 12-14wks.

I've been getting u/s done every other week, which I LOVE! It is incredible being able to see how my second baby has grown and changed this early on. The first time that I heard and saw the heartbeat was on 12/31/10. It was amazing, and afterwards even the nurses in the office commented on how much I was glowing. I was so relieved, not even words can explain. Just this past Friday I saw the little Lovebug (the nickname I'm dubbing this new baby) again, and s/he is looking like a gummy bear now. The heartbeat went from 120bpm to 167bpm from the 12/31 u/s to the 1/14 u/s.

I wish I had more to make note of, but I really don't other than to say that things are GREAT (like my title says) and progressing nicely. I'm going to leave you with my u/s pics, and apologize before time that they are blurry. They are pictures of the paper pictures taken from my cell, and they're not the best quality but you can definitely tell what you're looking at. (I promise that as soon as my husband gets our printer/scanner down from our hutch that I'll scan the real deal for ya'll.) So, without further ado here ya go....

12/18/10- Gestation not yet determined.

Gestational sac is little black oval in middle.

12/31/10- Gestation determined at 7w3d or 7w5d depending on measurement.1/14/11- Gestation determined at 9w6d (Looks like a gummy bear doesn't it?)
Head is to the left, arm buds in middle, leg buds to the right.

Year in Review

2010-12-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

2010 has been a rollercoaster ride that I don't ever want to do over again honestly. Here is a short list of my most memorable (or want to forget) moments. What are some of your's?

In January, I slipped and fell in mud & broke my wrist where my thumb joins at. I sported a hot pink cast for 6wks. Then I had to do physical therapy in order to be able to write correctly again as well as other things.

In April, we were blessed to find out that we were pregnant again. Only a to have another miscarriage just a couple short weeks later. My numbers never did rise but continued to fall from the very first beta. My EDD would of been today... NYE. This left me very depressed for quite some time.

In July, my Monster turned 3!! And H*attie was dropped off at our house on *B*'s b-day homeless, so DH took her & all her drama in. I also became an Auntie again in July to my newest niece Co*ra-Ly*nn.

In August, I turned 27. I know I'm not that old, but sometimes I damn sure feel like it.

In September, I enrolled in online college classes to get my Associate's degree in Medical Administration. Days later I found out that my husband was cheating on me with a girl that lived down the street while I had been trying to complete the Love Dare to help our marriage. He'd been messing around with her since the day after my birthday which was a complete low blow to me. September continued to be a hard month for us, as well as October. We were fighting alot and divorce was brought up many times. But, we kept chugging along and enrolled in the help of a counselor to help eliviate some of the issues.

October 4th, I started my classes but with the other marital issues going on even wanting to stay in class and do the work was a constant struggle. October, also brought a huge blow-up in this house between me and H*attie to the point that I had had enough and kicked her out. At which point DH's older sister became involved b/c that is where H*attie chose to go live. The older sister and her DH started a bunch of drama between DH and I, and at which point I made DH choose between *B* and me or his sisters. Thankfully he chose us. October also brought happiness and sadness all in one package... my sister came home to OH from KY for the last time in the next 4yrs, as her DH was PCS'd to a new duty station in WA.

December, has brought us joy once again with finding out that we are expecting #2 after a night of spontaneous sex when DH came home at 3am on his lunch break back at the end of November. LOL! Also, December has brought me to bedrest again with a pregnancy... but well worth it. December also brings back the pain of losing our pregnancy in April knowing that my due date would of just been today. December also has allowed DH's love affair with the girl that used to live down the street creep back into our lives. Sad but unfortunately true. I wish she would leave him alone, and he could forget about her but unless we relocate (which is highly unlikely) I doubt it will happen. I just hope for the sake of this baby and our marriage that he continues to do what is right.

I'm looking forward to 2011 and the new life we'll be bringing into the world in August if everything goes right. I'm just hoping that it's all peace and blessings for us as well as all of you for 2011, b/c Lord knows I won't be able to handle another year of hurt on the rollercoaster of life.

Happy New Year!!

Welcome ICLW and Other Stuff!!

2010-12-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hello IComLeavWe'ers and anyone else that has came across my blog!! Welcome... My name is Catrisha and I've been blogging (not just here at this blog, but here as well) for 6yrs. I'm married to my loving DH, and we have one child. A three year old blonde haired blue-eyed ball of energy. He's referred to around these parts as *B* or The Monster. We just recently found out that we're pregnant for #2. This was a complete surprise to us, as we weren't trying and we were focusing on our marriage as it had developed some bumps and bruises these past few months. (All of these things you can find in five or so entries prior to this one.) If you're looking for more history on our infertility struggle, look no farther b/c it can be found here.

Any way, in other news I am 5-7wks pregnant. It was originally thought based on my LMP that I was 8 or so weeks along. After my Dr.'s appt this past Friday that was found to be otherwise. I'm nervous of course, b/c this is when I've always m/c-ed. So, due to that fact I'm on bed rest, and I'm on PIO shots once weekly, and progesterone suppositories daily. It's a nasty way to ensure pregnancy, but one I would do a million times over so that I can have the chance to make it to term with a healthy baby. I get another shot on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, and then I have another u/s the first week of the New Year.

In other news... *B* and I have strep throat. YUCK! I know. A really crappy time to get it being so close to Christmas and all. I'm hoping we're on the mend before Christmas Eve, b/c we are hosting the holiday here at our house for the first time ever. I'm really excited to do this even with all the other circumstances going on. I know that it's going to be alot of work for DH, but he'll manage. Is that mean of me? I hope not. LOL!

Speaking of Christmas, I'm so excited for it this year.*B* is all into Christmas, and Santa, and the reindeer, and even giving and receiving presents this year. I know that that isn't what this holiday is all about, but for a three year old... my three year old that's what it's all about for him when he doesn't know what Jesus and God is all about. Before I get criticism on this, save your time b/c I don't care. He's very smart yes, and I'm sure if I were to explain it to him he would understand but I haven't and I don't plan on it. I believe in God to an extent. I pray as well. But the truth of it all is I don't have a good relationship with Him. Infertility has robbed that from me, along with robbing me of many other things. Maybe one day I'll get on that level again, and I hope to but that day is not today. I'll tell my child about Him as well, but again that time is not now. So instead, I'm excited for Christmas b/c my child is excited for Santa and everything that goes with it. And, for me that is the hugest thrill in the world... so we're counting down the days.

Lastly, thank you for stopping by. Sorry if I seem hormonal, b/c let's face it I am. Sorry if I've come off as controversial for you, b/c let's face it I am that too. But, if you've made it this far I encourage you to please stick around b/c I'm not always this way. Become a follower of my blog, and I'll do the same to your blog... just let me know in your comment that you're now following and leave me the link to your blog. Otherwise hope you enjoyed reading my ramblings and Have a Happy Holiday!! :)

Telling My DH & First OB Appt.

2010-12-18T16:40:00.005-05:00

First and foremost I would like to thank each of you for the Congrats, well wishes, thoughts, and prayers on my announcement in the last post. Ya'll truly know how to make an already emotional girl happy and sappy all at the same time. :) You, my Dreamers, are why I continue to write.

So, as promised I'm going to tell ya'll how I told my DH about our AMAZING news. On the night of Thursday, December 9th while my DH was at work I decided to take a test. AF was well overdue, but I had tested twice before in the the last week to week and a half and gotten BFNs so I figured this test would be another one of the same. Much to my surprise a very faint BFP showed up. I was home alone with just me and the Monster. I wanted to call or text DH to tell him the exciting news, but I only had that one test and it didn't give me much certainty. So, the next morning my first order of business after our normal routine was to head out to buy me some more pregnancy tests. I bought another box of FRER and a box of EPT Digital read out. I came home and when I had to be took one of the EPTs. Waiting for that little hour glass to turn into a read-out of "Pregnant" seemed like an eternity. Finally the 3 minute wait time was up, and there on the test stick appeared that glorious word I was waiting to see.Since I knew the night before I had asked DH if I had a time sensitive gift for him to open for Christmas if he would open it early. He told me he would, so I took the test and wrapped it in Christmas wrapping paper. I got out a small clothing gift box and tissue paper. I had gotten him a Christmas card when I bought the tests, and I wrote on the inside of it:

"I couldn't think of a better time sensitive present to give you as an early
Christmas present than this one. Looks like we did do it right again. Merry
Christmas. I love you!!"

I placed the card in the gift box in the tissue paper with the wrapped test on top of it, and put it under the tree. I waited until he got up that afternoon (he works midnights) and told him his time sensitive gift was under the tree and he needed to open it. He sat down on the chair and had *B* help him open the box. He pulled out the card and read it, then looked at me strange. Then he unwrapped the test at the end where the cap was, and I saw his eyes light up. He asked me if this was for real. I told him to keep unwrapping. He unwrapped the entire test then looked at me, and asked, "Seriously?" I told him yes seriously. He looked at *B* and said, "Guess what?!?! Mommy's got a little baby in her belly." Then he showed him the test.He had the biggest smile on his face. He got up and gave me a huge hug and kiss, and told me I was right about this gift.... plus it's the best gift he could ever ask for. Since then I took a test everyday until I ran out, including another digital test on the 13th.

* * * * * * * * * *

As most of you commented in my last post about how my dates may not match up due to when I took the test and the lightness of them, you were right. I had stated my EDD based on my LMP, but I'm a 35-45 day cycler. I had thought that I had ovulated around Thanksgiving, but I wasn't very for sure b/c I wasn't charting or monitoring. Any way, after my OB appt yesterday it was confirmed that I'm between 5-6wks (probably closer to 5wks). No baby was seen in my u/s, just the gestational sac and a little blip in the sac that the Dr called the yolk. Which I'm assuming is the baby? I've never had an u/s this early so I don't really know. My BP was 138/82, so I have to go back on BP meds since I had pre-e that developed into toxemia while I was pregnant with *B*.

I went over all my patient history (I'm seeing a new Dr. than I did before). He did the dreaded pap, and then the u/s. After the u/s when he realized I wasn't as far as what was thought, he told me he wished he had done the u/s first b/c then he wouldn't of done the pap. He was quite concerned about my recurring m/c's that I have that are early in gestation (3.5-6wks). So, he had the three of us go into his office after I cleaned myself up and got dressed and discussed this with us. He put me on PIO (progesterone in oil) shots that I have to go to his office to get once a week. I also have to do progesterone suppositories nightly, which I'm already hating b/c they are messy and gross. And, I'm on bedrest again with this pregnancy already. There was nothing wrong that he saw in the u/s, but he's just having me do all this as a precaution. He wants me to stay pregnant... good thing him and I want the same thing, which is a far cry from how my last Dr. acted like he wanted.

I've been having some brown discharge since my appt. that has actually let up now. And, my hip is extremely sore and bruised from my first shot. And, I'm sick of bedrest and I'm only 24hrs into it. But, it's all worth it. Next appt. is Christmas Eve for another shot. Not sure when my next u/s is, but I assume in 2-4wks. I'm glad I found this Dr. b/c he really cares about my health instead of money and what my insurance will pay and what I'm paying and when, which thrills me.

But, that being said I'll keep ya'll updated... and I promise not to stay away so long. I really missed writing these past few months while I was trying to manage everything. Thanks for still being here when I came back to it. :)

Updates, Updates, Updates... And AMAZING News!!

2010-12-17T00:39:00.007-05:00

Hey Dreamers! It's been forever since I've actually posted. I really need to catch you all up on the happenings here in the land of Baby Dreams. Where to start? Hmmm....

Well, we'll start with how H*attie left. She lived here as you all know. We were trying to help her out, but you can only help someone as much as they wish to helped plus when they are ungrateful for every last ounce of help you give them it gets old really fast. Any way, in the last month that she was here which was clear back in Sept./Oct. she got herself a job. DH and I were really proud of her for doing so, but having an extra mouth to feed whom wasn't pulling her weight around here and was causing nothing but drama was taking it's toll on us. The beginning of Oct. rolled around and she got fired from her job after only being there for a month. We told her that she was going to have to take her last check and help out around here. She did, but come a week after the first she was staying with DH's older sister and causing problems between us and them. I had had enough of her crap, so finally I told her she could get out through text message that I didn't need the drama. Of course that started a whole other mess of problems with SIL & BIL being jerks like always. Needless to say, she's gone and out of our hair but in the process DH ended up wiping his hands of his sisters and wants nothing more to do with them.

With the drama that H*attie brought on and the issues that were already going on in my marriage with DH talking to and texting other girls prior to this, my marriage took a weird turn. We fought alot about the unfaithfulness, but our focus turned to fighting about H*attie and the crap that was being stirred up there. I tried hard to focus on fixing things, but there was a part of me that just wanted to throw in the towel and be done with it all. However, I stayed and I pushed on looking for sunshine in a broken relationship through the gray skies. Finally, toward the end of Oct. DH and I were in a better place, and we were able to communicate with one another again without yelling or in my case crying. Presently our relationship is the best that it has been in a long time. A. VERY. LONG. TIME.

Updates on me.... I just finished my first quarter of college towards my Associate's degree in Medical Administration. It was a long tough 11wks, but I'm proud to say I survive it. That is one of the reasons that I haven't been updating like I used to. I so very little time for myself that the last thing I want to do is spend it on the computer for a few moments more to update. I really need to though even if it's just a few lines here and there, b/c then I won't play catch up so much. I start back on Jan. 3rd, and while I'm looking forward to it... I'm dreading it a little too, b/c I know this coming quarter will be alot tougher than the last.

Let's see... updates on the Monster... he's getting so big and he's so rotten. Last weekend we went to the local mall so he could sit on Santa's lap when he was done he got interviewed by a staff member of a local newspaper so that he could tell them what he (Stinky the Garbage Truck), Mommy (watch the video), and Daddy (nothing, b/c that's what Daddy said) wanted for Christmas. They cut a bunch of the actual footage off, but here is what is left:

If you couldn't tell from the video what my Christmas wish is from what *B* said, here's a hint:

My LMP was the last one that I recorded on here which was 10/27/10. My EDD is 8/3/11. I'm a little over 8wks based on my LMP. My first ultrasound is later today. I'll post about how that goes in my next post, and about how I told DH which was really cute. But for now, I'm off to bed. G'nite ya'll and babydust or belly rubs all around.

Technical Difficulties

2010-12-16T04:37:00.004-05:00

**UPDATE: As you can see all the technical difficulties have been resolved.**

If you've stopped here to read my story you're more than welcome to, in fact I encourage you to. However, I'm having some issues with my Webs acct that I use for my fonts, and I'm sorry that all sidebar and post headings are so dark that you can't read them. I'll have this fixed ASAP. In the meantime, look around and enjoy. I'll be back with a better post on the happenings around the land of Baby Dreams and a solution to this problem within 24hrs. Stay tuned....

Creme de la Creme 2010

2010-11-03T12:12:00.003-04:00

If you're a part of the ALI community (or even if you're not but you're blog pertains to Adoption, Loss, or Infertility) check out the Creme de la Creme 2010 sign-up list that's now up over at Stirrup Queens by clicking the icon below. We'd love to have you as a part of the list with your single best entry of this past year, so go ahead and sign-up!! I just did and can't wait for the list to go up on January 1st!!

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

Neglecting The Blog & Other Stuff

2010-10-29T01:02:00.005-04:00

My dearest Baby Dreamers... I'm so sorry I have been neglecting my blog. I have so much to write about these days, but so little time to do it. Being a full-time college student, full-time Mommy, and full-time housewife plus having family issues, marital problems still, and being depressed ALOT of the time has left little time for me to write about the things I need to be here. But any way, I just wanted to drop a line and let all of you my faithful readers know that I'm still alive and kicking and one of these days I'll find time to catch you up on my crazy life.

In the meantime I'll leave you with this awesome picture of my handsome little man with my fall decor:

and the side note that yesterday was the start of a brand new AF. Maybe just maybe (knock on wood) I'm starting to cycle some what normally again since the m/c back in April. One can only hope. *sigh*

Welcome ICLW and Things Thus Far

2010-09-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven (or hell depending on the day) in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog but still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighten yourself on that. (Got to love how I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

If you're here looking for things about the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof... you won't be finding them either except in previous entries that didn't last very long. I don't quit on anything usually, but this I did. Not b/c I didn't care or I don't love my DH, but b/c there has been a change of events that has brought a hell storm upon our love, our marriage, and our commitment to one another. I realized after he started stalking my blog, after I started hacking his email and FB account that I wasn't in the wrong for doing the Love Dare or writing about him... but I was in the wrong for not trusting him. (With good reason though I lost that trust.) I also realized that our marriage is more fragile that I thought and that we need more help than the steps of any Love Dare would of done for us at this point. So, all I can say is we're not good, but we're not horribly bad... we're in between and we're both of us trying to work on things.

As for my blog and going private... I'm not. I thought about it. DH and I talked about it. He knows it's my venting outlet about a whole slew of things. He knows that I receive support from so many of you out there in the blogosphere when I need it. So, b/c of that I'm staying open tot he public albeit with some exceptions, which those that follow me will be able to pick up on in the coming weeks as I write.

In other news... H*attie is still living here, and I'm pretty sure that that chapter is about to close. After a very tearful conversation between DH and I, he realized that she uses word play on little things and with those words drives deeper wedges between him and me. So, he's giving her an out date now that she has a job. I'm hoping this time he'll stand his ground on the matter.

... *B* is growing like a weed around here. He's so smart. I've been teaching him his colors and he knows them all, but has a hard time deciphering between black, brown, and gray. He knows his numbers 1-10 and the actual amount that each of those are. He knows his left from his right. He's in size 4T in all clothes, and a size 9 in shoes. He's in love with his mohawk. He's got a tender heart. And lastly he's such a big helper boy. I'm so lucky to be his Mommy, I couldn't of asked for a more wonderful and perfect son. God truly blessed me 3 1/2yrs ago.

And in closing... if you've made it this far I and you find me interesting and would like to stick around, feel free to follow my blog over there on the left... b/c if you follow me I'll follow you. All you have to do is let me know that you're a new follower of my blog by comment. I'm trying to get to 50 followers, and if I do I have a giveaway in store. So, please I encourage you to follow away. Happy ICLW!!

CD 1

2010-09-10T22:23:00.003-04:00

It's funny how in the midst of all the bullshit going on here I can even think about such things as the start of a new cycle. But good ol' Aunt Flo arrived here today. Maybe it's from stress or maybe my body is desperately trying to get back on track, who knows. However, I'll take it as it made last cycle 34 days long, which is a far cry from the 60 or 60+ day cycles I've been having. As for things here I can't really say, b/c I'm being blog stalked now.

YES, CODY, YOU READ THAT RIGHT... I'M NOT SAYING!!!

I do appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers, comments, and support though as it is helping me personally through this very rough patch. I don't know what I'm going to do about my blog. But, as promised I'll keep ya'll informed... but mostly this post was just to document my cycle. For now, I'm back to internet silence.

Privacy

2010-09-09T16:13:00.003-04:00

Today has been one of the most emotional days I've had in awhile and it's only 4pm. But, I thought I would let ya'll know that I took down the blog's fan page on FB, and I'm going to be going private as well within a few days. At this point I'm not sure if I'll be adding readers to the line up, but I'll let you know before I go private on my plans. Thanks for always being there for me and being so great.

I'm Done

2010-09-09T11:13:00.005-04:00

I was continuing the Love Dare up until yesterday when I got online and found that DH and this girl that lives at the end of our blog had been talking and texting each other. I had days 9 & 10 to write about, and I even wanted to muster up the love and energy in my heart to try to do yesterday's dare Day 11, but I couldn't. Then after talking to a good friend and posting about what had happened on my FB blog fan page I received this private message from DH:

"Hey i'm not doing anything with her just talking... and all she did was sent her phone number to my email. why should u save this marrage u didn't care about it 4 years ago... why now... and please don't be posting things that i do on the sites u go to... I've never cheated on u since we be married... i gave this marrage another shot...i bet none of them girls that u talk to know what u did to me...u always make it look like i did something wrong... when i didn't... u tryed to get rid of me once and if u want me gone i'll leave just tell me. I/m going to bed so maybe we'll talk or what ever..."

Apparently I don't write about how I cheated on him, even though I have just go back through my posts. Apparently he's never cheated on me while we've been married, (although cheating on me while we were dating and engaged is alright) and even though I'm pretty sure that's inaccurate. Apparently I want to get rid of him even though I've been doing this Love Dare to try to keep him and make things better. And ultimately I'm not allowed to write about him or us anymore anywhere, so.......... I'm not sure if I'll be writing anywhere anymore at all online except for school when it starts, and honestly at this point I don't even have my heart into that now. All I can do is ask you all to pray for me and us, b/c we need it. Thanks.

Love Dare- Day 8

2010-09-05T23:38:00.000-04:00

Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15

I got rid of the negatives list. I don't want to dwell on the bad things about my DH. He's a good man and has a good heart... I just wish that 100% of the time that tribute in him came shining through.

Any way, my DH has been ginseng hunting. He's trying to get enough of it so that when he goes to cash it in we'll get back a good bit of money to put toward our county fair coming up at the beginning of next or toward Christmas. Yesterday morning he got up before the rooster even crowed to go out hunting and when he came home he was beat. But, he came home with ALOT!!! I told him today that I was really excited that he was ginseng hunting again (which is huge in and of itself b/c he hasn't went since my FIL passed), and that I was excited that he'd gotten so much already. I told him I was really proud of him and that I couldn't wait for the fair or Christmas, b/c I knew he was working hard to make things good for us.

Love Dare- Day 7

2010-09-04T23:17:00.003-04:00

Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8

Today wasn't all that hard. I have a love/hate relationship with many characteristics that my DH has. So, there is a fine line and making the lists was fairly easy. Here are my lists...

Positives:

He's a hard worker and excellent provider for our family.
He's an amazing father in many areas.
He has a big heart and will do anything for anyone.
He's a wonderful lover when he puts effort into it.
He's a jack of all trades and can do just about anything handy that needs doing around the house.
He helps me out with house hold chores occasionally.
He's a great snuggler.
He's a great cook.
He's great at encouraging me and everyone else.
He's an awesome supporter in most everything I do.

Negatives:

He's not very good at listening when things are important.
He lacks patience and is short-tempered at times.
He's not romantic or spontaneous anymore.
He's jealous alot, and accusive.
He doesn't give credit to me where credit is due, and I rarely get a chance to have "me" time b/c he's got some lame reason.

The positive that I picked to make emphasis on was his snuggling and cooking skills. He made dinner tonight and it was excellent. I told him so, and that he was an incredible cook and that I loved when he cooked for us. Tonight I asked him to keep me warm b/c we went to the races as well, and my has fall came early. He put his arm around me, and pulled me close to him. I told him I loved being so close to him and in his arms, b/c it made feel safe and secure. Loved moments like tonight.

Love Dare- Day 6

2010-09-03T23:04:00.000-04:00

Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16

Today I decided to react to yesterdays comments, but with a clearer thought process. I addressed the other guy issue and the weight issue. I explained to DH that I am trying to find a healthier new me, but it's not going to happen over night. I didn't gain all this weight over night and losing it over night is just as unhealthy as being fat. He agreed and told me that he would help me in the process where ever I wanted and needed help. I have to confess though that I'm losing weight only to get pregnant again and seemingly become obese again, b/c well you gain weight while pregnant. So, that is one wrong motivation I'm letting go of. I've decided to to lose weight in order to be healthier and to be more active with my family, if I get pregnant along the way so be it... I'll just start over again.

As for the other guy issue, I simply told DH that in his head what he may think happened between me in the other guy didn't. In his heart I hope he knows the truth and can believe what I've told him despite the rumors he's been told from others. I also told him that when he's able to forgive me for the wrong that I did to our marriage then I will tell him the the details of the night that things happened if he wants to hear them. However, with him still having so much rage about the course of events leading up to my one night stand and night of betrayal I don't think now or anytime soon will be the right time for him to hear such things.

Love Dare- Day 5

2010-09-02T23:46:00.000-04:00

Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritatted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12

Today was a hard day/task for me to complete. I did complete it, but the answers that DH gave me struck my heart right at the core. I simply asked DH to tell me a few things he could think of that make him irritated or uncomfortable by me. His response was almost bitter, and definitely hurtful. I didn't attact him back, and I didn't cry but I do keep thinking about what he said. Not all of them, b/c there was more than 3, but the ones that hurt me the most. He answered by telling me that sometimes being in the same bed with me after he knows that I slept with another man (which was 4yrs ago) and so "easily" put out to the other guy, when I won't have sex with him irritates him about me. I didn't put out to the other guy easily and he has no clue about the circumstances of what happened nor will I ever fully tell him. Maybe I should, but in my heart and mind it's better he doens't know all the details. It was a one time thing and still 4yrs later it's brought up and thrown in my face even though I wasn't the only one cheating at the time.

Then he made mention of my weight making him uncomfortable. Well, it may make him uncomfortable to be seen with me, but saying that and me actually being big makes m uncomfortable myself. I didn't need to be told. I'm working on my weight though now that I've went to the dietitian... but it's only been 2 days.

The other thing that he said that I haven't done is forever, b/c I'm not even focused on was basically asking him for sex on specific days only b/c I thought/think I was O-ing. Ummm hello, we both want another baby that is how you get another baby, he knows this. I just wish he wouldn't complain. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Love Dare- Day 4

2010-09-01T23:59:00.002-04:00

Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3

Today was a total fail. I can admit when I fail, I fail. It wasn't a fail completely on my part though. I blame it on my electric company. You see I was mega busy all day long running errands for my Dad, paying bills for us, and grocery shopping... only to come home at one point (before having to head out AGAIN) to find a message on the answering machine telling H*attie she had a job if she could start today at 3:30pm. It was 1:20pm when I got said message. Any way, continue the frantic running around getting her things for her lunchbox and finding her a ride to work, b/c I refused to do it with it being a 20-25min drive away. But, I got that all out of the way and was finally able to head home, but still needed to go to W*al-M*art for somethings and didn't have time b/c I needed to wake up DH.

After I get home and get him woke up, he decides that instead of me going to WM why don't we go get subs from Sub*way for dinner, and I can go after I drop him at work (we have one vehicle). Fine by me. Well, we got dinner, ate, he got ready, and just as we're heading out the door the power goes out. It's 6:15pm. We couldn't find a regular phone to save our lives so he could call to see if power was still on at his work, so I had to take him there. It was on. I spent the next 5hours and 35min in the dark, with no phone, no way to contact him through the business of his day, and I didn't want to bother him by showing up at his work when if I asked him if he needed something I may not of been able to get it anyhow. There were 1500 customers in our area without power for 5hrs35min, and all do to a rolling blackout b/c our power company wasn't prepared for a heat wave in late August to early September; and apparently we were using to much power so the grid had to be shut down to conserve power. I so hated that and the fact that I failed a day, but I plan on doubling up tomorrow (which is actually today b/c I'm writing this on the 2nd at noon, but I'm back timing this to 11:59pm on the 1st so it shows up as a post on the 1st).

Love Dare- Day 3

2010-08-31T23:46:00.002-04:00

Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16

Today wasn't a very hard day either as it's another work day. I had to go see the dietitian today to get on a better eating regiment to control my weight and sugars better, so by the time I got home at 3:45pm DH was already awake. Again we didn't have a lot of time with one another to even be able to fight. We communicated about my future dieting and exercise plans, and when I have to go back to the dietitian. It was a nice day. Again today I packed his lunch bucket, but today I slipped in a hand written note. (We've been short on money since H*attie has been living here, so I didn't buy him anything.) It simply said:

DH,

I wanted to tell you that while you're at work tonight, that even though you probably don't think so... I AM thinking about you and I LOVE YOU with all my heart. I hope that you're having a great night at work.

XOXO,

I'm not sure if he's gotten it yet or even at all, b/c here it is going on midnight and he's had two breaks and still no phone call or nothing. Hopefully. On to tomorrow.

*********

PS: Jenni, I agree with you. I shouldn't sit back and take his verbal abuse as I did in Day 1, and we should do this together. However I know that he'll never do this challenge with me, not in a million years or more. Also, I do usually fight back when he's like that, so for me to bite my tongue is a change. I'm hoping that by doing so maybe he'll realize I'm not fighting back anymore, and by doing so we'll stop fighting pretty much altogether. Only time will tell, but thanks for your comments and concerns it means a lot.

Love Dare- Day 2

2010-08-30T23:59:00.001-04:00

Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26, Proverbs 19:22

Today was an easy day. Or at least easy to me. DH works the 7p-7a shift, so he didn't get out of bed until almost 3pm today. He had to leave at 6:15pm. Not many hours to fight if we were going to, which we didn't. I often find that days that he works are so much better than the weekends that he's home. Sometimes I used to tell him on the weekends to "Go back to work, I can't stand you being home anymore." Now, I'm vowing not to do that and to savor every moment with him if I can. I just hope he realizes how much I love him, and how much he means to me.

He aggravated me again today. He just does these small annoying things like tapping continuously even when I've asked him nicely to quit, or calling my name over and over again even when I've asked him what he needs, or even this loud irritating hysterical laugh that sounds like a clown (you'd have to hear it to know what I'm talking about). These are the things I talk about when I say he's aggravating me. I swear he knows I'm doing this challenge, and wants me to go off the deep end on him just so that he can tell me I failed. I don't plan on failing. I didn't lose my cool. The unexpected thing that I did for him that I don't usually do is I packed his lunch bucket for work. This might sound like I'm a lazy wife b/c I don't do all the time, but I don't b/c he has OCD about how things are in his lunchbox. I'm serious. Everything has to be in the perfect position, and he always takes a variation of the same things. I've been watching him pack his bucket long enough that I could do it for him, even though he just goes behind me and takes the stuff out and reorganizes it. Today though I made sure everything was right, the only thing that wasn't was a snack pack of Oreos... the label was facing down, he has it facing up. Otherwise, he was thankful that I packed his lunch for him. I'm going to start doing it everyday now I think... at least if I can handle his critiquing.

Love Dare- Day 1

2010-08-29T23:59:00.001-04:00

Day 1: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, I Thessalonians 5:15, James 1:19

Starting today was a real struggle for me, but persistence will pay off I hope. Last night we went to an end of summer party just like we always do. There were a bunch of idiots and drinking there (like always). DH doesn't drink any more and I can't even tell you the last time that he did drink. I on the other hand had one to many and was drunk. So, drunk I recklessly got on the front of a golf cart that could hit a peak speed of 30mph. Needless to say, someone else drunk was driving that golf cart and I got thrown from it and ran over by it. DH watched the whole thing happen, and instead of coming to see if I was alright when back to the bonfire. He still hasn't asked me if I'm alright, and it that hurts... but I must do this. I bawled in the shower at going on 2am when we got home telling myself only 40 more days and maybe things will be different. I pray to God that I'm right.

When we got up DH had in store for us the task of taking down our 12ft x 3 1/2ft pop-up pool. That was a challenge in and of itself. He kept calling me names telling me I was stupid and not doing it right. I was so proud of myself I just stood there, and continued helping him saying nothing even though I was angry and wanted to tell him off so badly. I'm not sure if he knows I'm doing this challenge or not. I know that he was way more aggravating today to me like he wanted me to blow my top, but I held strong and made it threw today and completed the challenge at hand. Hopefully tomorrow is just as well. Stay tuned.

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.2)

2010-08-26T14:08:00.004-04:00

I'm really hoping that with doing The Love Dare Challenge that I will be in a better place with my marriage. I once heard this saying, and it keeps ringing in my ears as things get worse and worse between DH and I, "Don't make someone your priority, when all you are is their option." I love my husband, I truely do. I want to chase eternity with him. I want our family, our home, and to have grown old with him so many years from now. I can only hope and pray that upone completion of this challenge things will be so much different. Love , trust, faith, hope, honesty, and more over devotion will have been restored back into our hearts and our marriage. So, without further ado, I said that I would post the second 20 days of the 40 day Love Dare, so here they are. I'm hoping that I have a few joiners or followers throughout this journey, please let me know?

Day 21: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are 31-a full months supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with him. Isaiah 58:11 , Psalm 145:16
Day 22: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return." Hosea 2:20, Psalm 119:30
Day 23: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13:7, Job 22:23
Day 24: End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed-today-and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love. 1 John 2:17, 1 Peter 2:16
Day 25: Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "Fogive us our debt" each day, we must ask him to help us "Forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive." 2 Corinthians 2:10, Luke 23:34
Day 26: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel. Romans 2:1, Galatians 6:4
Day 27: Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has old you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love. Psalm 25:20, Hebrews 10:24
Day 28: What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet that need. 1 John 3:16, Galatians 6:2
Day 29: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you," then express your love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way he loves both of you. Ephesians 6:7, Joshua 24:15
Day 30: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that he would do the same for them. And if appropriate discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity. John 17:11, Deuteronomy 6:4
Day 31: Is there a 'leaving' issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent on it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship. Genesis 2:24, John 17:21
Day 32: If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your spouse today. Do this in a what that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy. 1 Corinthians 7:3, Song of Solomon 7:6

*On a side note this day's dare is only for married couples*
Day 33: Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you. Ecclesiastes 4:11, Colossians 3:14
Day 34: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today. 1 Corinthians 13:6, Psalm 101:2
Day 35: Find a marriage mentor-someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment. During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment. Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 11:14
Day 36: Commit to reading the Bible every day. Find a Devotional or other resource that will give you some guidance. If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock. Psalm 119:105, Romans 15:4
Day 37: Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Talk about the best time to do this, whether it's in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime. Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord. Don't forget to thank Him for his provision and blessing. Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself. Matthew 18:19, Psalm 88:13
Day 38: Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can. Psalm 37:4, 2 Corinthians 9:8
Day 39: Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place your spouse will find it. 1 Corinthians 13:8, Micah 7:18
Day 40: Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your marriage vows before a minister and with family present. Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God's eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate. Ruth 1:16, Psalm 105:8

Devoted To Fixing My Marriage (Part.1)

2010-08-26T00:11:00.007-04:00

It's no secret that my marriage has been on a downward spiral for a few years now. More like a rollercoaster ride actually, b/c it has it's ups and downs. More quick fast plummeting downs than long lasting ups though, as sadly as that is.

Any way, before H*attie came back to live with us things were rough, but I could see a change for the better in DH's and my relationship. Now, with her here things are back to slump and the constant fights. Too many nights I find me crying myself to sleep or days I just cry in general. My depression is at an all time high and I hate it. DH and I bicker and fight, and usually the root of the problem stems from something to do with H*attie and her constant drama and chaos.

I've done alot of wrongs in my marriage, but so has my DH. I'm not pointing fingers though. I'm ready to make my marriage work.... put up or give up. That's how I'm looking at it. So, I finally watched

Those of you that have watched it probably know what I'm talking about when I say "The Love Dare." If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm getting to that. Any way, this was an excellent movie, and I totally recommend watching it if you haven't. I've decided since watching this movie researching about the love dare challenge, that I'm going to do it. I'm going to document each day here in my blog how it goes, and see how I feel about my marriage after the challenge is complete. I'm hoping that it helps and it renews things and puts a breath of fresh air into our relationship. For those of you that would like to do the love dare challenge with me, I'm going to start it this Sunday!! For those that have done this already, I'd like to know how it changed your marriage good or bad? Any imput is appreciated, please and thanks.

Here is a day to day list of the dares in advance for those that would like to participate, and if you would like to participate let me know so that I can read how things go with you.

Day 1: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, I Thessalonians 5:15, James 1:19
Day 2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:26, Proverbs 19:22
Day 3: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." Romans 12:10, 1 Corinthians 13:5, Philippians 2:3, James 3:16
Day 4: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139:17-18, Genesis 2:18, Philippians 1:3
Day 5: Ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irratted with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. Proverbs 27:14, Proverbs 25:24, Psalm 112:5, Luke 6:31, Ecclesiastes 10:12
Day 6: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. Proverbs 16:32, Colossians 3:12-14, Philippians 4:6-7, Exodus 18:17-23, Proverbs 25:16, Matthew 12:34, James 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:31, I Timothy 6:9-10, Acts 24:16
Day 7: For todays dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point in the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. I Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 4:8
Day 8: Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your mind on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed. Song of Solomon 8:6, Proverbs 27:4, Deuteronomy 4:24, James 3:16, James 4:1-2, Romans 12:15
Day 9: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them. I Peter 5:14, Luke 15:20, Philemon 7
Day 10: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the Laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage. Romans 5:8, I John 4:10, I John 4:19, I Cornithians 13:7, Romans 8:38-39, Psalm 32:10
Day 11: What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with as smile. Ephesians 5:28, Mark 10:51
Day 12: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first. Philippians 2:4, Romans 12:18
Day 13: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs. Mark 3:25, Romans 12:16
Day 14: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together. Ecclesiastes 9:9, Proverbs 23:26
Day 15: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting away his clothes for him. It may be in the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes. 1 Peter 3:7, Jeremiah 30:1
Day 16: Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for 3 specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage. 3 John 2, John 9:31
Day 17: Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe. Proverbs 17:9, Song of Solomon 6:3
Day 18: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your spouse. Proverbs 3:13, Proverbs 4:7
Day 19: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have your realized your need for God to change your hear and to give you the ability to love? As him to show you where you stand with him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination. 1 John 4:7, Matthew 19:26
Day 20: Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for Salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus I'm a sinner. But you have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your Power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace." Romans 5:6, Isaiah 63:9

Ok, so I fibbed... here is the first 20 days. I'll post the last 20 days before the weekend, but for now I must go to bed it's 1am.... LOL!

Why Her?

2010-08-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

I'm serving up a pity party for one tonight. It's a combo of many things etched on my heart and the fact that I'm drugged up on pain pills due to pulling something in my back while giving *B* a bath the other night. Any way, I'm an avid reader of Mckmama's blog. So, earlier as I was reading back through her recent posts that I had missed this past week, when I came across THIS entry she wrote about her newest addition in the cradle that was her's and has went threw each of her children and that she will pass on to one of them. After reading that post I lost it.

I lost it b/c in my family there was a similar item, that was to have a similar set of circumstances. You see, there was this cradle:

My great-grandma and her sister were infants in it. Then when my grandma was born she was an infant in it. My mom and her sisters were infants in it. My grandma kept it and it was to be passed down to her daughter (my mom) for the first grand-daughter (me). My sister and I were both infants in this cradle... it should of went to me. It was intended for me. I got pregnant before my sister TWICE, but both ended in a miscarriage.

So, what does my dysfunctional disheartening mother do??? You guessed it, I'm sure. My sister with her first pregnancy receives MY cradle at her baby shower. The baby shower that I was throwing for my sister b/c I was so happy for her. But, my heart got broken at this baby shower. That was supposed to be my sentimental gift and right of passage. Instead I get some stupid blanket that my mom got at a garage sale that her dogs laid all over. (The tip of the iceberg on the love/hate relationship my mom and I have and how my feelings aren't of value to her at all.)

Now, my sister's three beautiful baby girls have all been infants in this cradle and she intends to pass it on to one of them keeping the tradition (some what). But, what about me? Here I sit almost 4yrs later, and I'm still bitter and hurt. That was supposed to be mine. The one that I received and passed it on to my child and be stilled in him the heritage that went along with it. Something my sister won't do, and doesn't care about. I'll never have that, and I don't understand why my mom choose favorites in her children, and why it had to be my sister. What did I ever do in this life or a past life to have things so bitter sweet on so many levels?

ICLW and Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!!!

2010-08-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome Dreamers!! If you've found my blog from ICLW, you've found my little piece of heaven in the blogosphere. If your new to my blog, please feel free to poke around and get to know me. The trials and tribulations of my TTC journey can be found HERE, and if you're not new to my blog and you still have no clue what ICLW is although I've been talking about it and participating in it every month since March as part of my 101 in 1001 goals you can go HERE to enlighted yourself on that. (Geez, now I'm a run-on sentencer, oh well... LOL!)

Now, back to my regularly scheduled blogging...

In the last week some many things have happened I feel like my head is in a whirlwind. First off, I turned 27 last Friday. (Yes, Friday the 13th!!) I was all worried and didn't have my hopes up that anything important would happen for my birthday. Actually, I figured DH would forget about me altogether like he has so many years in the past. I was so wrong! He didn't forget. I got ym hair cut and colored for my birthday, and he took me out to dinner, and we were supposed to go to a movie.... but I felt bad doing all the things that we/I had done that day without *B*, so I suggested going to the dirt track races the following night instead of a movie. (That got rained out, but still I had a GREAT birthday.)

Secondly, we were supposed to camping at a local lake, but that didn't happen b/c of the third reason I'll write about shortly. Instead DH and *B* camped out in the back yard and we had a fire in our new fire pit. (I may or may not quit calling this new sometime before the summer is over, who knows... LOL! Since we've had it since late June.) We also, went to the Col*umbus Zoo and Aqua*rium yesterday instead. I'll post pictures of that soon.

Thirdly and lastly the biggest change around here and why we couldn't go camping is b/c I was enrolling in college!!! I'm sooooooooo very excited about this. I've had my ear glued to the phone all week long until yesterday getting everything situated. I completed and passed my entrance test. I submitted my application for enrollment into the Medical Administration program to receive my Associate's degree. I completed my FAFSA. Now, I'm just waiting on my financial aid appt on Monday to see what types of federal grants and loans I'm eligible for. My start date is October 4th!! So, after all of that and a week's worth of non-stop time on the computer and on the phone I'm officially a student as of 10/4/10 at

I'll have my degree in 22mths. Then I plan to apply for a radiology program at one of our local techinical or community colleges, so that I can be a radiologist. Did I mention I'm super duper excited to be going back to school?!?! Let me mention if for you again.... I'm soooooooooo excited!! This has been a long time (9yrs, since graduation of high school) in the making!! Wish me luck.

Wordless Wednesday- Automated Post...

2010-08-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

b/c I'm not here and we're on

Albeit it's only camping on a nearby lake, but we've been here since Sunday and we'll be here until this coming Sunday... and it's vacation to us, since we had to cancel our other one thanks to the arrival of H*attie. Hope everyone is enjoying the last moments of their Summer 2010 as well.

Another Year Older

2010-08-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

Today I'm yet another year older. I'm 27. I don't hold high hopes for today as I've been let down so many years in the past. As you grow older I guess you just tend to expect less. The only I expect for today is for my IRL friends and family to forget all about my birthday until very late in the day. To cry, b/c my heart will be hurt and broken b/c of this. To not get a single card, gift, or present from anyone including my DH b/c I haven't since I turned 18 except from my Dad. And for it to be just another day that I grow older and my feelings are forgot about.

By this age, I had hoped in my grand scheme of plans long ago that I would be a mother to 3 wee babes running around my home with soft laughter and loud pitter patter of their feet. Geez, how I was ever wrong. I have one miracle blessing, and while I do have laughter and pitter patter I long for more children. I had hoped to have an amazing DH that never forgot about my birthday, bought me gifts without having to be reminded or told to, and/or took me out to dinner to celebrate my life on my important day. I have an amazing DH, and for me I guess the rest of that is only men I see in movies.

Oh how I wish that all those birthdays ago that if I had only knew then what I know now about my marriage and infertility that when I actually had my birthday celebrated before becoming an adult I would of used my wishes when blowing out my candles on my cakes for my life now to be so differently. Maybe if I'm lucky this year will be different and DH will surprise me. I have 24 more hours left to find out. If so I'm definitely using my wishes wisely. I'll let ya'll know what happens.

Oh and in case you're wondering since it is Friday the 13th, and my birthday... no I'm not superstitious at all. It's just another day and 13 is actually my lucky number.

It Soothes The Soul

2010-08-10T01:32:00.003-04:00

Life here is still in turmoil and chaos with H*attie living here. I'm so short fused it's not funny. If she even looks at me wrong or chews her food to loudly or something small; I'm blowing off the handle at her. Forget about all the things that she does that tops the list to completely piss me off. Some of the problem I know the past week or so is the hormone overload I've been on. AF was well past due, but I knew she was a lurking. Sure enough, the nasty hag arrived this past Saturday.

Since AF started though, I've been this weepy teary eyed female. I'm like this every cycle, but it's usually only the first day or so. The past year or so it's gotten alot worse. I can actually feel the difference and change in my body from raging bitch to the bawling my eyes out baby. I saw a commercial on TV about PMDD, and I've been researching it. I know I shouldn't self diagnose, but I swear I have it. Every symptom listed is what I deal with tenfold a week leading up to AF. I keep saying I really need to get into a Dr., whether it be an RE or OB/GYN... but today I became proactive. I decided that I'm ready to start TTC again, so I made my initial consultation appt with the RE that I was supposed to see back in April when I found out I was pregnant and cancelled. Of course they have a wait list, and with cancelling previously I'm on the bottom. But, my appt is scheduled for late October. I'm excited, nervous, giddy, and scared about this all at one time.

Any how, since AF is here and I've been so emotional I've been doing some soul searching. While soul searching I've been walking at night with *B*. Let me tell you, that's fun stuff. You get a quarter mile in and he has to pee, even though he just went before we walked out the door not even 3-5min before that. He makes me laugh though, and dries my tears. For, it never fails that every walk I end up talking to him like he's a grown adult about my problems. He just listens, and asks "What's this or that?" pertaining to what I'm talking about, nods like he understands, is silent for awhile, then he'll scream loudly, then giggles uncontrollably. I love that little Monster, he makes the madness bearable. He also helps sooth my soul by listening, letting me cry, and laughter... it always makes for a brighter tomorrow. At least for me any way.

On a side note, take time to become a "Follower" of my blog on your google reader if you're not already, and if you have Face*book be sure to "Fan" my official blog site there as well for up-to-date (usually) daily happenings in the land of Baby Dreams... which you can do by scrolling down on my left side bar and clicking in the corresponding area that you'd like to be a part of. Happy Tuesday and Happy Reading!

Fan My Blog on FB

2010-08-05T14:00:00.002-04:00

If you look over there to my left side bar you'll notice my newest addition to the blog. It'll keep you up-to-date when I'm not able to post an entry. (Kind of like Twitter but not... LOL!) Any how, I made my official FB fan page for my blog. Check it out, become a fan, and in the near future it just may have some prizes in store for you for doing so. Happy reading and happy Thursday!!

Wordless Wednesday- Really Irritable Lately

2010-08-04T11:54:00.003-04:00

I could seriously go for one of these to relief some stress and irritability. Maybe for my birthday next week? Happy Hump Day!

Rants, Decisions, and Life

2010-08-02T22:50:00.004-04:00

**YOU ARE FOREWARNED THAT THERE IS PROFANITY AND VULGARITY IN THIS POST!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!**

It seems like ions since I put fingers to keys and really pounded out a decent blog entry. Give me the bad blogger award or whatever, but with the lack of computer time I get on my own computer since H*attie has moved in and started ruling the roost that is why. However, I am on FB, and I do update there almost everyday and right over there on the right hand side is my e-mail address... feel free to add me if you're on FB. Make sure you include a message with your request that you're from Baby Dreams.

Any way, a month ago today in all her laziness H*attie came back to dwell in our home and literally hold our couch down. If you know the history you know my dislike on this event, especially given that the next day was my son's 3rd birthday bash. If you don't know the history, I'll shorten and ~~sweeten~~ bitterly truthfully give it to you. When she was 14yrs old my MIL passed away (FIL passed the year prior). My older SIL was supposed to take custody of her in this event, but seeing as she had just popped out her 3rd child she had changed her mind. H*attie was left a ward of the state. My loving kind-hearted DH decided we should petition the courts at a mild age of 19yrs for custody of her. It was granted. Fast forward to her turning 18yrs old and thinking that just b/c she was now a legal adult in the state of Ohio she could do as and disrespect us as she pleased. I cheated on my DH, b/c we were in a very bad place in our marriage do to her always running interference and infertility. She found out, she told him. (No, I'm not proud.) Shortly after DH's finding out, I found out I was pregnant with *B*. Things were in chaos and rumors were flying but I knew the truth, and that DH was/is *B*'s father. Then H*attie stole from a store while I was maternity clothes shopping. I kept her out of jail, she returned the favor by punching me in the belly and telling me she hoped my baby died as I didn't deserve a baby by her brother any how. That night she was out of our home, never supposed to return... guess I was mistaken, huh?

Short story on that was, she left J*ordan and *H* to be with another man. Mind you she left *H* alone in the house in a playpen at 15mths old with a note stating: "Being a mother is too much. I have no freedom. I want my life back." (Whole other rant and post... stupid ignorant bitch.) New guy's name was M*att. While with him, she couldn't stop her cheating ways, and he found out. I invited her to *B*'s party, and he decided to bring her here with all her belongings, chaos, and drama.... and drop her off.

Now that she's here she has supervised court ordered visits with *H* with DH, older SIL, or me. She's supposed to be getting a job. (Still haven't seen the likes of that, and even though she has no high school diploma or GED... fast food is below her, or so she thinks. ARGH!) We've been feeding her without any assistance, not that we need it... but we were living comfortably and able to go out and do things, now we're not. She smokes, so does DH (I would like for him to quit but I choose my battles wisely) and he used to go through a carton every 2wks, now it's every 5 days which we can't afford!! The whore is out all night until the wee hours of the morning, and in a month has been with 7 different guys. She's even been talking about getting pregnant again, which I'm afraid if she does I may kill her. Plus, the lazy bitch wants to sleep all day even when I yell and argue with her to get up. She doesn't help do any household chores around here, and she's so lazy I've had to tell her twice she stunk and to take a bath. It's ridiculous. All DH and I have done since she's been here is fight. She's been talking shit about me, and the cheating incident that happened 4yrs ago. She's even told DH to paternity test *B*, and she would pay for it. I've came thisclose to thumping her so many times since she's been here I can't count them on both hands. On top of all this she calls J*ordan not daily like she should to check on *H* occasionally when she's craving drama, and starts arguments with him on the phone.

The sad part of all this is, DH and I weren't in the best of places when she came here. Her coming to live with us was unexpected. DH and I haven't been right since my m/c in April, and her being here has only drove a wedge deeper into our already frail relationship. Even worse part is.... she knows this. She does things purposely to make me or *B* cry and when I go to DH about it, b/c still to this day have to walk on egg shells around her; he shrugs it off like it's no big deal it's just what she does ignore it. When she was a child I was raising it was so much easier... now she's a parent herself (or at least she's supposed to be) I can't ignore her ignorance, b/c it's not bliss. But, I can honestly see us in divorce court if things keep on the way that they are, and b/c my DH has this huge kind loving heart of gold... he's not putting her out regardless of what she does wrong. I'll have to do it and risk the backlash that comes with it when him and I fight b/c she'll be homeless due to burning every tie and bind she's ever had.

*************************

Any way, in other un-H*attie involved news... *B*'s not going to preschool after all this year. I wanted him to go, and way back in the spring DH wanted him to, too. But, as DH has let buddies of his work out of our garage that have foul mouths, and DH has one around them too... you guessed it. *B* has a potty mouth as well. Since we have to pay for pre-school in our area, I refuse to let him go, and pay for it when he uses curse words in perfect sentence form and laughs about it. He'll for sure get kicked out of pre-school in the first week or day. I don't want that for him. So, I've decided since he's only 3, that I'll teach him the basics that he doesn't know already this year so he'll have an advantage next year.... and work on not using profanity. Oh and I need discipline tips on this, to btw??? I threaten with soap, but would never do that. I've been taking toys away and doing time out, but it's to no avail. Far from what I got back in the day (smacks to the mouth, hot sauce, and dish soap) I have not a clue what to do. Advice?

In other news, I think I'm finally at peace with my m/c. I'm ready to start TTC again, but my body is not. I've gained almost 20lbs since my m/c, and I need to shed that and then some. Right now I lack energy as my thyroid levels are out of whack again, and my family Dr. is adjusting them. Also, with the live-in we can't afford treatments and meds, let alone a baby. It breaks my heart that she is coming first yet again to our TTC wants and needs. I wish I already had meds from before so that I didn't have to buy them. I know that any RE is going to look at Foll*istim or Gon*alF as a full course line of treatment, and that is out of our price range. I wish that Ohio state law mandated something more than just HMO's offering infertility coverage to employees and PPO's doing diagnostic testing. I mean that is a blessing, but I'm so beyond that. For me and everyone like me in this state once we've found the results out of our testing and know what is causing our infertility dilemmas, we don't have insurance coverage to help us from there. We better hope we have a chicken laying golden eggs or a money tree in our back yards, if we're just middle class citizens like myself.... b/c our savings is shot from previous treatments and our 401Ks are already being repaid to us not to have a loan taken from again from being tapped out for the same reason. Why do treatments have to cost so much? *sigh*

Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get in for a D&C or another lap. I've had one AF since the bleeding from my m/c. I have horrible cramps all the time, but nothing changes on OPKs. All BFNs in sight. When DH and I have sex it hurts. It's never hurt before. There are times that I have to make him stop, and I end up in tears. I've been putting it off for weeks now, but I need to make the call. I'm just scared of what the OB/GYN will find/do. I just know I can't keep going like this.... it's killing our sex life and adding to that wedge.

If you've made it this far, thank you! I had alot I needed to get off my chest and update you on. Hopefully I'll get more computer time, but I guess we'll see. Wish I could password it, but that would just be a fight with DH that I don't want. *sigh* Wish me luck.... I'm hoping my head doesn't spin off into oblivion.

Not A Completely Wordless Wednesday- Welcome ICLW!!

2010-07-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers!! If you still have no clue what ICLW is, and would like to know click HERE for details and join in on the fun next month. We'd love to have you!!

Any way, if you're here you've stumbled across my little piece of heaven in the blogosphere. Now, for the brief intro on me and my family... My name is Catrisha. I'm 26yrs young (I'll be 27 before the next ICLW however). I'm married to my usually wonderful (I only say this, b/c we've been going through some rough spots lately) DH, C*ody. We have one little boy who is 3yrs young named B*rennen, but I often refer to him as "*B*" or "The Monster" around these parts. We also raised DH's little sister from age 14 on, and unfortunately as she's about to be 22, we're yet again raising her... but that's a rant to come at a later date. We are currently sort of TTC#2, but I'm not in the right frame of mind to fully throw caution to the wind since our m/c back in April and go full force at it. So, if it happens it happens... and if it doesn't well then I'll be back on the infertility bandwagon soon enough. Speaking of infertility, the problem that we know of is completely on me. I have PCOS with IR and hypothyroidism. Before we miraculously conceived our son we had tried for almost 6yrs with a whole slew of treatments toward the end of that time. Alot of that detailed journey can be found HERE and ends up running concurrent with this blog at a certain point. For the semi-short-winded version of our TTC journey, you can check out the tab above that say "My TTC Journey."

Now I'm for a quick ABC's of me to get to know some fun facts on me.

A- Aunt: I'm an Auntie to 14 nieces and/or nephews... including my newest niece born on July 6th.

B- Bold: I'm a very bold person whom always speaks her mind.

C- Cats: My favorite animal, and I only have one.

D- Dogs: I love dogs too, but don't currently have any.

E- Eggs: Make me sick to my stomach unless they're in the food I'm eating then I'm not bothered.

F- Fall: Fall is my favorite season of the year.

G- God: I have a hard time believeing in God, I'll admit it. With all the struggles and obstacles I've endured in my life it's hard to believe in a greater being as I don't think so much bad can happen to those that are good... even though it does.

H- Home: We're buying our first home, but if we ever add to our family it'll be too small.

I- Ice Cream: I love me some ice cream, but it's never loved me back... LOL! My favorite flavor is Spumoni.

J- Junior: When DH and I found out that we were having a boy, I wanted him to be a Jr. DH vetoed it and said one of him is enough... LOL!

K- Kale: I've tried kale and I have to admit I love it! With some sea salt, EVOO, and vinegar it's super yummy.

L- Lobster: I've never in my life ate lobster. I ordered one, one time at Red Lobster but couldn't eat it b/c I knew what it looked like alive in the tank.

M- Monster: We actually do call *B* this nickname. When he was a baby he had some chubby cheeks and we started calling him "Cheeky Monster," but now it's just Monster. Or Mohawk Boy right now... check out the last post with cute pics about that.

N- Nightowl: I love to stay up late. At night it's so peaceful, and it's when I get the most stuff done. I also get up early too, and one day I'm told it will catch up to me.

O- Orchids: Pink and white orchids are one of my favorite flowers.

P- Pink: Pink is my favorite color.

Q- Quilt: I have an infant quilt that was made for me when I was a baby, and I used it for *B* when he was a baby, and it's now stored in a hope chest.

R- Raspberry: I can't stand the scent of raspberries. I think it's a putrid smell. But I do like the taste of raspberries.

S- Steel Magnolias: This is my all time favorite movie!!

T- Tater: My nickname from my FIL before he passed away was "Tater."

U- Up: My son loves the movie Up, and I've probably seen it 500 times or more since the first time I seen it.

V- Volleyball: I played volleyball in high school.

W- Watermelon: My kitchen is done in a watermelon theme. Most do it in apples or mixed fruits, but mine is completely watermelons.

X- X-rays: I've had too many bone x-rays to count. I've had alot of broken bones, strained and/or sprained body parts.

Y- Yams: Candied yams are my favorite food (aside from the main dish) during the holidays.

Z- Zest: I can't use this type of soap, b/c it breaks me out.

So, there you have it the ABC's of me. Hope you enjoyed getting to know me, and I can't wait to get to know all of you. Happy ICLW!!

Mohawk Boy

2010-07-19T13:55:00.005-04:00

I abosolutely love reading Mckmama's blog. *B* loves looking at the pics of her MSC, and sometimes he even wants me to read to him the blog entries which I love doing. Any way, after this weekend's Stream of Consciousness post that she showed beautiful pics of Nuggey with his mohawk and red tips... *B* wanted his done.

Before the mohawk

I didn't go all out and color his hair, but we did do this:

After: The Mohawk Boy

Side shot of the mohawk

I think he looks adorable!!! (But I'm biased as he's my child... LOL!) What do ya'll think???

Wordless Wednesday- A Trip To Amish Country Style

2010-07-14T01:06:00.007-04:00

This past weekend we took a trip to Hol*mes Coun*ty, Ohio. We went to a wonderful farm that had a petting farm (I'll call it a farm b/c there weren't exotic animals there they called it a zoo, but you call it what you want). We took a horse and buggy ride, saw goats on a roof top, rode horses, pet and fed animals, ate Amish home cooking, went to a couple flea markets and vendor shops, and went on a covered wagon ride. It was an incredibly amazing time.

B's Birthday Party

2010-07-13T11:47:00.006-04:00

Of course in true Catrisha fashion... better late than never... LOL!

*B*'s birthday is on July 1st, but we didn't have his party until July 3rd since that was on the weekend. It was a nice day. Alot of people that was supposed to be here didn't show, but still we had a good time. My little man scored a good bit of To*y St*ory 3 toys (mainly Woody dolls as he's obsessed with the cowboy these days), as well as other out in the dirt toys, and a big boy bike. The kids played games and won prizes. I loaded the kids up on candy, and everyone else mingled. It was nice.

Oh, and remember the entry I posted about making THIS cake, well it turned out to be an historic epic fail in the art of cake making for me. The cake toppled over and fell apart not once, but twice when I was making it on two separate occasions. So, I scrambled around on the Friday before his party before noon to make a cake for him that looked like Spo*ngeb*ob, that way if it didn't turn out I still had plenty of time to order one. This is what we came up with and if I must say so myself... I did a pretty damned good job.

For me this was an easy peasy birthday that will go down in the baby book as a Moment in Time!!

Wordless Wednesday- Can You Say Stressed Out???

2010-07-07T12:50:00.004-04:00

So can I!! This is exactly how I feel. Long story VERY short for right now... H*attie is back living with us, and the vacation we were supposed to be on is more like me needing to go to the psychward to get away from the chaos for vacation, b/c we're not on vacation at all now. I'll post an update on everything later.

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby!!

2010-06-30T23:16:00.005-04:00

Three years ago today at 1:17pm you came into our lives. Mommy had an extremely difficult pregnancy with you (spotting from 7wks-13wks, pre-term labor at 26wks, and pre-ecclampsia at 30wks into full blown toxemia at 36wks) and an incredibly long labor (43hrs 17min of HARD induced labor), but the minute that you came into the world none of that compaired to you. You were 6lbs9oz and 20in of joy. Daddy and I had longed for you for what seemed like an eternity, and you have been well worth our wait. Each day being your mother is a new experience to me, and you marvel me in your awe numerous times daily. I'm so grateful for being your mother, and you are my happiness, joy, and my life. There is not a moment that I wouldn't move heaven and earth for you if I had to. I love you with all my heart and more. You are definitely not a baby any more though (even though you'll always be my baby), you're a devilishly charming toddler who's potty trained and into EVERYTHING!! You have your own personality and opinion on everything, and even on days that I can't stand that trait of your's coming out yet... I'm so proud of you and glad that you are you!! I wouldn't trade a single part of you for anything in the world.

We're not doing anything special for your birthday today, except making brownies per your request... but don't fret my darling blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy b/c your Spon*gebob party is on Saturday and it's sure to be an all out bash!! I hope that you have a wonderful day today, as you have made my life wonderful everyday since you came into it. Thank you baby for choosing us as your parents, we love you... xoxo!!

I'll leave ya'll with a slide show of *B* starting from his first ultrasound to now through the years. Enjoy!

Wordless Wednesday- Potty Success!!

2010-06-30T12:29:00.003-04:00

We have full potty training success... day AND night!! And all before his third birthday. I couldn't be more proud!!! WOOT!! WOOT!!

What Is Your Greatest Fear?

2010-06-27T15:44:00.004-04:00

Usually I hate Fac*ebook, b/c well let's face it... it's made the world so impersonal. But as I was looking around on there at some of my friends' statuses I found one that caught me entirely off guard and made me think. Her status simply read as follows, "What is your biggest fear?"

At first I read it and brushed it off, as there weren't any responses yet. Then when I returned there this morning the people were sounding off. There were a large variety of responses ranging from spiders to clowns to health issues to living alone to death. So, I read every response carefully, and then I sounded off on my biggest/greatest fears.

I do have many fears. They come and go as things in my life change. After my DH lost his parents when they were at a young age (early 40's) my ultimate fear was losing my DH early. Both of his parents passed away from cancer, so it's in his genes and that scares the bejesus out of me; especially with my DH being a smoker and not really taking care of himself in the healthy sense of things the way he should. Back before we conceived *B* my greatest fear was that I would never become a mother to my own child. Infertility was robbing me of that and strangling the life out of my every glimpse of hope into motherhood. I felt like I wasn't a complete woman b/c I couldn't sustain a pregnancy and birth a child. Now that I'm a mother I fear something happening to my son. Whether it be someone physically hurting them to prolonged illnesses to death I don't think I could handle that. I would kill someone or a part of me would die right along with him. I fear both DH and I dying and leaving behind *B* alone with no siblings to help him cope with losing us. I have smaller more petty fears such as spiders, thunderstorms, and the sound someone dragging their nails across a blackboard makes, but compaired to my ultimate basic biggest fear those are minor. In one word my biggest fear is: DEATH.

I know that you're not supposed to fear death if you have lived your life right, b/c you'll be greatly looked after and rewarded in the here after. But how do you know that you're living your life that way? How do you know that you're going to heaven? How so you know that there is even a heaven at all? I lost faith in God a long time ago in my struggle with life and infertility. Do I pray? Yes, don't we all? But believing is a totally different subject for me. Maybe I'll end up where I want to be, maybe not... but for goodness sakes I'm no where near ready to die, b/c death scares the shit out of me.

So, what is your greatest fear? Please don't be scared to share... I have. Also, in closing I will leave you with a great quote about fear in yourself and overcoming it,
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’ -Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles

What He Wants, He Shall Have...

2010-06-24T01:20:00.002-04:00

hopefully?!?! *B* wants a Spon*gebob cake for his birthday. Lord, help me when I got pricing on cakes to feed 25-50 people yesterday. My normal cake maker for his birthday cakes since his birth said she could do one for cheap-o, but it would be plain (aka one of those edible pictures and that's it). So, I scoured the internet today high and low for different cakes and easy ways of making a doable Spon*gebob cake. I came up with THIS ingenious design at Cake Fixations for the cake of my little man's dreams that has step by step how-to instructions. I'm hoping it's as easy peasy as it looks. I'm going to do a trial run through in smaller version this weekend. Hopefully, I'm able to accomplish this... b/c if not it's back to the drawing board. Wish me luck.

PS: How fabulous are those cakes at Cake Fixation , btw? She's mega talented!!

Wordless Wednesday- Today I'm...

2010-06-23T10:59:00.002-04:00

(actually organizing, but who's keeping track??) 8 Days until the Monster is 3 YEARS OLD!!! 10 Days until his party.... the crunch is on!!!

Summer Fun

2010-06-21T11:07:00.004-04:00

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers! My name is Catrisha. I'm 26, but I'll be 27 in August. I'm married to my amazing DH, Co*dy. We have one son named B*rennen, whom I call *B* or the Monster on this blog that will be 3yrs old in 10 short days. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism that basically cripples my normal fertility life. I've had quite a few m/c's with my most recent being this passed April, and b/c of this m/c DH and I are on a break from TTC#2 b/c I'm just not ready mentally or emotionally to take that leap again right not. If you would like to know more in depth details about my TTC Journey... you can do just that by clicking the tab above labeled "My TTC Journey." Happy ICLW and thanks for getting to know me.

Now back to my regular scheduled blogging...

The family and I have been soaking up the summer fun this passed weekend. With my DH turning 27yrs old the day before Father's Day and then Father's Day we had a GREAT weekend. Well all except for I'm now sporting a broken toe. (I'll tell ya'll about that in a second.) So, on Friday DH and I have been trying since Memorial Day Monday to get this huge stump out of our back yard from a tree that got cut down. We were going to get a stump grinder to do it, but the cost for that labor was outrageous. Any how, we put our back into it and dug the stump out. So, now we can FINALLY put our swimming pool up, as that was the only flat area we had. That's next weekend's task though (only DH isn't all to thrilled. LOL!). Oh and *B* got to catch lightening bugs that night and the night before.

Then came Saturday and DH's birthday. It started on a good note, until after about an hour of calling around on DH's part we found out that nobody was neither or open nor could deliver sand to put under our pool till the following weekend. So, he was irritated. (Not sure why though, I wouldn't of wanted to work on my birthday and he didn't but it was like he wanted to. Who knows? Men!) After that fiasco, *B* and I went and picked up DH's ice cream birthday cake from DQ. It was all messed up and I wasn't pleased with how it looked at all. I only got $3 taken off the price, but still if I could make ice cream cakes I'm sure the design on the top would be alot less plain than this one (that "I Love My Daddy" thing is a plastic that just pops off).After picking up the cake we brought it home and headed to Wal*Mart to pick up a Father's Day gift for my Dad. When we got there we found out that the porch swing that I've wanted for forever was on rollback, but our local Wal*Mart was out of stock with it. So, after standing at customer service for abot an hour while they called around to store within an hour drive time they finally found one and we were off. We headed 35min away, got the swing, and then went out to dinner at Ste*ak-N-Sh*ake for DH's birthday. When we finally arrived home it took about 2hrs to get that swing together, but it looks good sitting on the front porch, and I LOVE IT!!

Father's Day *B* and I got up early and went and got DH's new shoes that he wanted for his present. He wanted that and power tools, but he's less picky about shoes. Get the man a pair of K*Swiss shoes that are his size and the style he goes for and he's fine. Tools that's another story... LOL! Then it was home to wake him up, give him his gift, and pack a cooler for the local pool. We went and swam all day. It was soooo much fun.After *B* decided at one point (after I slipped in the pool and broke my toe), that he was climbing the ladder and running away from us toward where our stuff was sitting and fell and hit his head. So, we left. But, yeah I'm claiming this the year of the broken bones for me... first the broken thumb now the broken toe. After that we went to a Father's Day cookout at one of my best friend's house. Three of my six best friends were there, and I missed the other three but it was still a great time.After we all ate, we swam again in my friend's pool while the guys all played horseshoes. To end the day the guys left off some fireworks, and the kids went running with ears covered. If I could have weekends like this one EVERY weekend I most certainly would. This was a GREAT weekend and I loved it.

Mother Nature...

2010-06-17T11:58:00.002-04:00

you're a cruel dispiteful bitch. I so wish that yesterday before I decided to POAS b/c it's been 7wks since I've had any bleeding (after my m/c) that you could of given me an inkling that you had AF lurking for me that day. I had no signs or symptoms of either one, but DH and I have had sex so that's why I POAS. Of course it was a BFN. Two hours later the hag arrived.

I really need to get into the OB/GYN as I'm a hot mess on my cycles. I just don't feel like it though. I'm simply tired of being poked and proded at, and only being told the next line of treatment when the last one made me produce eggs and blah, blah, blah.... I'm sure you've all been there. It's gets old really fast. I'm on a break and I'm checked out mentally from TTC. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't... but I refuse to consume my every thought with it from now on. It's the only way I feel I can heal myself from my loss and everything else.

Shameless Advertising

2010-06-16T01:31:00.004-04:00

I've never done this on my blog, but I have to throw a shameless advertisement out there. A couple of weeks ago I went to a Pure Romance party. I had soooo much fun. So much so that I'm thinking of becoming a consultant actually. I'm not shy or timid at all if you know my IRL, so this is a very fitting job for me if I go threw with it. Any way, if you've never been to a party or used the products that they have available I definitely recommend you going to a party or using their products. They're pretty inexpensive for good quality products, they DEFINITELY spice up the bedroom life. **Take my word on this (wink, wink).** Any how, after attending the party that I went to I decided to have my own party (you know until I make up my mind on becoming a consultant) and so I'm putting it out there for anyone that reads my blog and would like to order any of their products that you can do so from me until July 24th. I need payment made by that time too (cash, check, or credit) and your order will be shipped discreetly to your home within 2wks of the closing date of my party (July 25th). You can check out the products by clicking here at Pure Romance Products and then email me with any questions or orders at catrisha{underscore}tittle{at}yahoo{dot}com **Please insert the correct things in each bracket of my email address.**

PS: If you don't feel comfortable giving me your payment info or sending me your payment I can give you the name and address of the consultant doing my party for you to give that info to.

The End of Some Eras

2010-06-15T00:39:00.003-04:00

Some good, some bad... all things must come to an end.

This past weekend really tugged at my heart strings. After months of the Monster growing out of things, I finally decided to have a garage sale. Selling clothing and toys that he's out grown didn't really bother me (well except for when he had a meltdown when a woman carried off a learn to walk with push toy lawn mower). What bothered me was finally breaking down and deciding to sell all the bigger baby items that DH and I had been storing away. On Thursday evening as I had help with one of my best-friends carrying *B*'s crib, changing table, swing, bassinet, bouncer, high chair, and walker to the garage to set up for the sale I reminisced over every item and the milestones he reached while using each item. My heart fluttered, my lip quivered, and as I told her things I remembered *B* doing in each item the tears started to flow. It was my choice to sell all these bigger items, and now that they are all gone I ponder if it was the right decision. We aren't doing any treatments, we're actually taking a break from TTC. I don't feel like "trying" any more honestly. I can't handle the heartache or heartbreak that comes along with it, and thus it kind of made the decision of selling off these items easier. I know my heart mourns the loss of the items, but I'll forever have my memories that were made with my son in each one. I just wish that we would of been able to make memories with another child in them as well. But, *B* will be 3 in less than a month and I just felt as though it was time to let go and well let whatever happens happen... I suppose if we get a BFP again and go to term we can always buy new like we did the first time.

The end of the second era all in the same week/weekend was I officially have a potty trained boy. He's not completely night trained yet, and we're still working on that and wearing pull-ups at night, but he's now sporting cute little El*mo, To*y St*ory, and outer space underwear through the day. I'm so proud of him. We've been doing the on and off potty training thing for 18mths (I know WAYYYYY to long) with him pooping in the potty pretty much all the time for the past year. We've had our set backs and what not, but this was surely a long time coming. And let me just say he's sooooo happy with himself. He's growing up all too fast, and even though I've been blessed to be a SAHM sometimes I think back and see how fast it's went and think I've missed so much even though I haven't. (That's why I haven't been blogging so much, I'm spending so much time with him b/c I don't want to forget a single moment, or miss it for that matter.)

The end of the third era in the past month that I'm thrilled about, but sadden about too is *B* is no longer co-sleeping with DH and I. We didn't do anything different really, except when we get up to make him use the potty at night we put him in his bed instead of returning him to ours. He's been coming to our bed for a year now (ever since we moved in the house), and DH and I were lacking in the sleep dept. Now, since we started that he's just not been coming to our bed at all. When he was a baby and in his bassinet I kept him in our room until he was almost 6mths old. When I knew it was time for him to be in his crib, b/c he was out growing the bassinet; I couldn't sleep at night, b/c I couldn't hear him breathing anymore except over the baby monitor which let's face it isn't the same. Now that's he's been in our bed for a year and even though I wasn't getting the best sleep, I was sleeping. Now that he's gone... I'm back to not being able to sleep again b/c he's not there to snuggle or hear breathing.

The end of the fourth and final era is death of a sippy cup. This was a hard one, and like bottle breaking really. He's cried for it, but I encourage him he can get the same refreshing drinks from a regular cup as he was his sippy. This was a combined effort of us doing this by him throwing his sippy cups out the window of our moving vehicle while going 60mph down the highway 4 different times, and the fact that I refused to spend more money on cups if he was just going to chuck them out the window. So, I put my foot down and disposed of all the sippies in the house and we're doing plain water in a regular cup with wet spots down our shirt right now. LOL! He's trying hard he's just impatient and used to chugging on the sippy cup and hasn't figured out how to master a similar technique on a regular cup yet without drenching himself. We'll get there it's just slow going.

But, like I opened with all things must come to an end and so must this entry. So, catch ya'll on the next entry and I hope that you're enjoying Summer 2010 with your loved ones as much as I am.

PS: You like the new blog design? And is there anything you'd like me to change if not?

Finding Myself

2010-06-01T23:52:00.005-04:00

For so long I have let so many things around me define me, other than me. I've been "the older sister" when it came to my eight siblings. I'm "the listener" when it comes to my friends. I'm "the in-law-less one that raised her teenage SIL to adulthood" when it came to losing DH's parents and raising H*attie. I became "DH's wife" when I married him. The thing that I let define me the most was my infertility. It still defines. I'm the "Infertile" one. I've spent so many years dealing with the depression that I've consumed myself with from this diagnosis, and still on days/weeks/months (like this past one) it capsulates my every thought, emotion, and action. Since becoming "*B*'s Mom" I've tried so desperately hard to seperate myself from that label. But, never have I fully detached myself from such a hard and harsh label.

Unfortunately as time passes and we continue to TTC#2 even after the m/c, I can't shake the label. It's defining me again, and even more so I feel. I can't get away from the looks of pity and regret from others, or their questions and comments about adding to our family. I see the change in the mirror and on the scale that the grief toll has taken on my body. I'm no longer a size 10. I have bags under my eyes, and lots of mornings I wake with puffy eyelids from crying myself to sleep. I'm getting tiny wrinkles even, and I'm only 26. I analyze our marriage and know that this is where we fell and are falling apart at. I'm tired of feeling tethered to this label, this definition that has consumed so much of my adult life.

Today, I realized how miserable I truely am being defined as things I do not wish to be labeled as any longer. Today, I finally pulled my head from my ass and woke up. Today, I put my foot down and decided it was time for change. Today, I start finding me... the me I want to be. The me that is not labeled by others or things in her life. Today, is the first day down a new road into the land of unknown... and I'm scared to death, yet thrilled to finally be finding myself and breaking free from it all. Today is the first day of the rest of my life without dragging around a ball and chain that has a label on it. Today, I start living for me and letting others know I'm living for me too. Today is the day...

Drama, Drama, DRAMA

2010-05-25T13:01:00.002-04:00

I swear all my life consists of is Drama any more. I most certainly do not go looking for it as I have enough problems in my own home, it just always comes to me. Here's a quick recap of the last few months so you're up-to-date on what I'm talking about. A few months ago H*attie and I stopped talking after a huge fight on the computer about her parenting skills that ended in her calling me horrendous names. Neither DH nor I talked to her again from mid-February until Easter weekend when she called crying to tell us that J*ordan and her were on the outs. Of course my DH the respecting brother and father-like figure that he has been to that disrespectful girl offered our home to her and *H* (our nephew) to come stay. However we were sick during Eater and the following week, so we were unable to move her down here... so by the following weekend when we were feeling better things with H*attie and J*ordan were "fine". Although a couple days later H*attie leaves J*ordan AND *H* to go be with this other guy she had been cheating on J*ordan with. We didn't talk to H*attie again, but we did keep in contact with J*ordan about *H*. Fast forward to this past week...

We get a phone call from H*attie telling us that her and J*ordan have went back to court about visitations for her with *H*, and the judge ruled it had to be supervised. Bet you can't guess who with? Oh you guessed it? Well, you're right... us! ARGH! The stipulations of the visitations were ridiculous though, and doable for her and J*ordan as they live 20min or so from each other, but we live an hour drive away from them. The terms were every other weekend starting this past weekend for 2hrs, then 4hrs, then 6hrs or each of the following weekends on Saturdays, to be picked up and dropped off and J*ordan's local police dept., and to be in a public place all with us. I talked to J*ordan about how this would not work, and how I would love for H*attie to be able to see *H*, but there was no way possible for us to accommodate the judges request in this especially when we weren't even consulted first. He told me he didn't know what to tell me or H*attie, as she just sat there and never opened her mouth about it, but said she'd like it to be us. He said he wasn't doing her any favors. I can't much blame him, but at the same time by not doing her favors her and us are being screwed. Fast forward to this past weekend...

J*ordan decided to swallow his ego a bit and compromise on some things. He had to come to our house any way, as he bought our old living room suit off of us. So, when I told H*attie this, I also asked her if she would be able to come here to see *H*. J*ordan agreed, H*attie agreed, thus *H* was here. (He's gotten so big and independent at 18mths old, but that's off topic... LOL!) J*ordan once he was here decided H*attie could keep *H* over night as long as she and her boyfriend stayed here with him. So, instead of 2hrs she got him 24hrs. OMG... she is horrible at parenting. If I were in her position I would want to spend every second with my son. Not her, every time I had to leave for something, she left with me and left *H* in M*att's (her boyfriend) care. During that care time M*att didn't watch *H* and he got into my cat's food and water bowls spilling them. Matt left *H* in the soaking wet clothes until we got there, and H*attie kept him in them even after we got home and found out about it. I would say in the amount of time that *H* was here, he ate maybe 5TBS of food and drank a milk bottle. When I tried to feed him he threw a fit, and H*attie told me to leave him alone... so I did. She left him in a poopy diaper for I don't even know how long as he got here at 11am, and the first diaper change she did on him b/c I told her his diaper was about to fall off was at 4:30pm (the poop was drying to his butt). When it was bath and bedtime she didn't even give him his bath... I did. She and her boyfriend both got drunk after *H* went to bed. And, the worst thing they left here at 10am on Sunday to take *H* back to J*ordan... She NEVER fed him breakfast or anything.

Now, we are left to fill out these report papers for the judge and mail them to the court house on her parenting abilities supervised to see if when they go back to court she can get them unsupervised. DH is leaving me in charge of this, as I always do all the paperwork things. However, he asked me what I was going to write and said he thought that she did a good job this weekend. I told him exactly what I've written here. He flipped out, and I told him that it needed to be told to the judge in the best interest of *H*. DH and I are now fighting even more. Every time one of his sisters comes around that is all we do. Especially if it's H*attie. I never wanted to be any part of H*attie and J*ordan's split, nor did I want involved in this custody dispute after the first time this crap happened. Now, they've put even more strain on a marriage already at it's breaking point. I don't know what to do... I don't want my marriage to fall apart over me telling the truth, but at the same time I don't want to lie so that she gets unsupervised visits as I worry about *H*'s well being in her care alone with him. I'm so torn, and this Drama has me an emotional train wreck.

Lack of Patience and The "Friend"

2010-05-21T00:00:00.001-04:00

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers. If this is your first time visiting my blog you can find my TTC Journey above this post in the tool bar. If you frequent this blog, and have no clue what I'm talking about each month when I say it's that time of month again for ICLW; well click on that cute yellow button on my right sidebar and it'll take you to this month's list of blogs in the ALI community and give you a better explaining or what this is all about. (I'm not doing it, b/c well I'm lazy tonight and super tired, sorry. :))

Any way, back to regular scheduled blogging...

It seems that my adorable, bubbly, blond hair, blue-eyed, 2yr old Monster, *B* is really testing his limits these last couple of weeks... and of course with that Mommy's patience. I hate to complain, b/c he is a blessing... but dang when will the terrible 2's be over? And please don't tell me age three isn't any better, b/c I've already heard that. I'm not sure why he's being like this other than the bad influence of my Dad, little brother, and little brother's mom. Only problem is since my Dad and I had that falling out he hasn't been around any of them except one time, and that was for maybe 15min. I know his mind is a like a little sponge and it's always "Monkey see, Monkey do, Monkey get in trouble too" with him, but I don't think he realizes that their actions are totally inappropriate and he shouldn't be copying them. He's taken to talking back, not wanting to eat, belching loudly and not excusing himself, covering his ears so he's not able to listen, throwing things, and wanting to fight constantly as just a short run down of things. I can't hardly take or stand his actions, and I find myself having to count to 10 numerous times a day or put him in time out constantly. He's even acquired a few hand and butt swats, neither of which have phased him though. I'm just at my wits end with this, and I'm not sure what else to do. I can't just ride out this phase, b/c I don't know how long it will last. Plus he needs to know that his actions aren't suitable, but other than being the example that I already am and telling him he shouldn't do this or that for whatever reason; what more can I do? Advice is welcome.

During all this unruliness though, *B* has acquired a new friend. An imaginary friend. I first started noticing him talking to himself little by little here and there about three months ago, but then it dissipated. Then when we found out we were pregnant before we found out it was a chemical pregnancy last month it started up again. Only it's more than just talking now. I have to tuck the "friend" in bed with him. I have to wash the "friend" at bath time too. He eats half of his meals then pushes his "friend" his plate to eat the rest of it. He throws fits while going into a store that I've left the "friend" in the car. I assume the "friend" is much older than *B*, as he has a job and gets a paycheck and isn't here during the days most the time, but I have no clue honestly. I'm handling the "friend" quite well all except for I can't see him and never know where he is and for the name that *B* has chosen to give him. The "friend's" name is Booger Butthole. Yes, you most certainly read that right. I'm not sure where he came up with that name, but imagine walking into Wal*Mart while your child is screaming and flailing around in the cart screaming at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, you left Booger Butthole strapped in the car! Mommy go out and get Booger Butthole! Mommy Booger Butthole is scared b/c he's all alone out there!" Totally Mortifying!

I've tried to persuade him to change the "friend's" name to something different, and he will for about an hour. Then it always goes back to the current name. I'm hoping this phase too is VERY quick lived, b/c trying to explain why my child has chosen some off the wall name for an imaginary friend that they think he shouldn't have in the first place is proving to be a defeating task. Lord help us!!

My Marriage

2010-05-19T00:03:00.004-04:00

I hate even writing this, b/c it's when you admit something is wrong publicly afterwards it either seems like not such a big deal or the problem escalates. I'm hoping it's the first and not the latter... but we shall see.

Any way, I think that my marriage is slowing slipping into a huge sink hole in the vain of it's existence. Actually it's been happening for quite sometime perhaps, but recently with the m/c things seem to be getting worse. I know that men deal with grief differently than women, but my DH's way of dealing with things is to not acknowledge them at all. So, for the past (almost) month while I've been mourning the loss of our last pregnancy, he's been acting like it never happened. We don't talk, we bicker and argue instead. I long for him to just wrap me in his arms, and hold me while I physically and emotionally break down... hasn't happened yet and probably never will; instead *B* wipes my tears away, says "Mommy no be sad, no more tears, it'll be alright," or I conceal my misery by crying myself to sleep in bed alone or in the shower so I can try to be strong for our son.

Before the m/c things were rocky. Maybe it was the end of that 7yr itch in marriage that people talk about, since we just celebrated our 8yr wedding anniversary on Monday (5/17... which he almost completely forgot about and would have had he not gotten in his lunchbox at 11:25pm and saw the card with replacement wedding band b/c the original got mangled at work (that he's still not wearing, btw) to remind him). However, I don't think that that is the case. Any more we could be in the same room, but we might as well be a million miles apart. We don't talk, laugh, cry, or even love one another like we used to... any more we just co-exist. I'm hoping that my hormones are playing into my thinking on things lately and over exaggerating how I'm feeling, but that is all I've had time to do. I think about my relationships with others (especially my marriage), and I cry. Alot.

Some where in the back of my mind (actually it's been moving closer to the front of my mind or I wouldn't be writing this) I keep thinking that our marriage is ever so slowly coming to an end. I know every relationship has it's roller coaster ride, but ours has been going down the deepest of inclines for at least 4yrs now. Sure we have our good times, but it's been alot of bad times in 4yrs... hell in 8yrs (10yrs if you count the entire time we've been together). Sadly but true. I hate airing out our dirty laundry, so let's just say we've done our fair share of wrongs to each other (including infidelity, lying, addictions, etc.) since we've been together, and we've been through alot more than most couples... for that we're stronger yet deeply tarnished. So deeply tarnished that we're at that point of no return in our marriage, I'm afraid. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that a relationship and each person in it can only take so much... I think ours has endured more than we ever anticipated or bargained for... we're at our breaking point. Such is the giant sink hole.

So, while I'm being completely vulnerable and honest here there are so many things in the last month that I've noticed that make me think he's ready to call it what it is, and move on already (or maybe he already has, I'm not sure). I don't really know if I wasn't paying attention to all the signs before the m/c, but looking back I know they were there I just wasn't as tuned into them as I am now. Plus, now that I have time to sit and dwell on everything I notice them more. I wrote him a letter pouring my heart out and asked him if he was being unfaithful to me even... his response was bluntly "Yes," but I don't know if I can believe or trust that especially with the attitude he gave me for the few days following reading the letter.

Let's face it; I know we have problems... I know I love my husband very deeply and more so today than ever before. I know I want to continue chasing eternity with him, but I'm tired of putting in 100% all the time and not even getting but 10% in return at times. We can't live like this. I want our marriage to work for us and our family of three. I want him to go to marriage counseling with me to make it work, but when we tried it before I ended up going alone until I had to quit going, b/c the therapist couldn't help us unless we both were participating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I truly now know what the expression "You love someone so much it hurts," means, b/c that's how my love for DH is anymore... of the sad, bitter, hurting variety. And, honestly it sucks... I want what we once had back again.

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-09T23:59:00.001-04:00

This Mother's Day was a GREAT one. There have been so many Mother's Days in the past that I've bawled my eyes out, even with having the blessing of my little man. There's no rhyme or reason to why I would cry... I just would. This year I didn't even focus on any heartache or heartbreak that has been gong on in my life. Instead I focused on the positive, and made the very best of my day.

It began with DH and *B* letting me sleep in VERY late. When I say very late I'm talking until noon which was a much needed and very pleasant surprise. I awoke to these gorgeous flowers and gushing cards from my two favorite men, as well as tons of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

I got to leasurely get ready and then we headed out to go shopping where I picked out a new purse, a pair of pjs, and some fingernail polish for my Mother's Day gifts b/c DH didn't know what I wanted or what to get me. After that we came home for awhile for some family time, before heading out to dinner at a local Italian restaurant called The Yard. After dinner *B* wanted some ice cream, so to the hand-dipped ice cream shop we went.

Finally, we headed home where DH and I doubled up on bathtime for the Monster where he broke into his new tubtime paints, and we laughed and giggled at his gooey soapy painted body. Then we all settled onto the couch, put in a movie and snuggled up together until *B* fell asleep. The perfect ending to a perfect Mother's Day for my history books. Hope that ya'll had a GREAT Mother's Day as well!!

Inspiration

2010-05-01T13:25:00.003-04:00

NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) may be ending today, but our journeys, battles, struggles, defeats, and victories keep going. As I was browsing through the list of "What If...?" posts at Stirrup Queens I came across lots of compelling, captivating, and moving posts. I was so moved by this video by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed that I wanted to share it with all of you.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

She gave me goosebumps and made me cry. Tears of sadness and tears of happiness. She's taking a stand, promoting awareness.... as I hope so many of you are doing as well. She gives me inspiration to take a bigger stand and promote more awareness and let more people know than I already do. So, with that being said I wanted to remind all of you to add your post to the Project IF thread with your own "What If...?" post. I added mine, please add your's and take a stand.

D&C

2010-04-29T01:34:00.002-04:00

I won't be needing one, thankfully and hopefully. I started bleeding yesterday (which just happened to be the same day as my appt. to to schedule the D&C). The OB/GYN told me that I needed to keep an eye on things, and the slightest sign that things weren't right with this "Flo" I needed to call the office. In which case I may still need a D&C, but I'm hoping that things will go accordingly. For a change.

So, that's the update. Other than that, I've just been laying around and crying alot. Hoping the hormone drop that brought on the depression fades fast, otherwise I might have to go get some happy pills. I'll try to write a better update when I feel more up to it. Thanks for all your comments and support everyone.

Just What I Needed

2010-04-24T00:16:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was just the sort of day that I needed to take my mind off the obvious. (I really need to write about that, but I just can't bring myself to do it ~~more~~ yet. However I did take another HPT Thursday morning as directed by my Dr. and it was still faintly positive... so it's looking like I'll be in D&C territory next week probably.) Any how, let me paint the picture for you. Today was a mildly warm and extremely sunny day. DH and I took the Monster to the park to blow off some steam and to go fishing. This wasn't his first fishing excursion, but it was the first one that he cared about what was happening and got involved. Of course Mommy took her camera, and *B* and Daddy didn't disappoint once the fish started biting (which took about an hour an a half, b/c *B* kept throwing in rocks at first scaring off the fish), so I got lots of pics and a couple videos.

Getting the line ready with the hook and bobber.

The bait.

Holding a night crawler.

Getting a wax worm for the hook.

Sitting on the bank waiting for a bite.

The first catch... a blue gill.

Touching a fish for the first time.

The second catch and biggest of the day.

Another catch.

Learning how to take the hook out himself.

Realing in the first catch and Kissing the First Fish For Good Luck!! (I was totally grossed out by that, DH says that it's a fisherman's legend or something. *rolling eyes*)

After the fishing was bait was gone, we went to get some subs from Sub*way and then back to the park to the playground area. We ate and played. It was lots of fun. An hour passed of playing and *B* asked if he was getting his haircut today, b/c we had been jokingly messing with him calling a "Shaggy Dog." So, we decided to leave and see how busy the hair place was. Lucky us, we were the only customers at the time, so he got his head buzzed for summer. (I'll have to take a pic of that tomorrow, b/c I forgot.) Across from the hair place is D*Q, and b/c *B* had been such a good boy all day and noticed it was the ice cream place, we went out for a treat to reward him. When we were done there we had to head to Wal*Mart for some more pull-ups, and on the way home, the little man was out like a light. Of course we woke him when we got home to get him bathed and ready for bed, but he was ready to go straight back to sleep afterwards. All in all it was a perfect day and my focus was on being a Mommy to the precious ever-so-fast-growing little boy I already have.

What If?

2010-04-22T22:58:00.003-04:00

This is National Infertility Awareness Week** (NIAW: April 24-May 1). I am an Infertile, and proud to say so and to have so much support in the blogosphere!

"What If despite every effort and exhausting every resource, effort, and finance we have available to us our son is our only child?"

Will DH, *B*, and I be okay with being a family of three? Will I always see sadness in DH's eyes when he looks at our family and friends' families that have more than one child? Will I always wonder in the back of my mind if DH regrets being with me b/c I can't add to our family?

Will I always have a gaping hole in my heart? Will this heart of mine always break when I hear *B* talk about wanting a baby brother or sister? Will I always long for a sibling for my precious *B* more than he does? Will I always think about the babies that we've lost that would of added to our family? Will I be able to tell *B* about those babies lost one day and say, "Son, you would of had a brother or a sister had Mommy's body not been so broken and God not decided that He wanted them with Him b/c they were more precious than for here on Earth."

Will I always feel resentment toward my siblings for being able to conceive without a hint of an infertility problem? And that they are able to have more than one child? And furthermore will my heart always break when they or anyone says “Oh you’ll have another one… just be patient it’s in God’s hands and time,” while they’re popping out another sibling to add to their brood because they have never taken the time to listen to my struggle, know what’s involved, and/or try to understand it or even empathize with my situation?

Infertility is a horribly painful battle it leaves its mark every where. Whether it be the emotional toll from the trying, to the scars from the treatments and/or surgeries, to the stress and strain on relationships, to the depletion of your lives' savings IF has it's mark. It makes us feel inadequate as humans at times, and definitely makes us question much more than we ever thought imaginable. Everyday I pray for a second child, and every day I am let down. Every day I hold anger and resentment towards others b/c they don't struggle, and I find myself lashing out with my bitterness b/c reproducing came so easy to them. I ruin relationships, I push my DH away, he pushes me away. I strive toward the next treatment or appt. not letting myself heal from the last. I run ourselves deeper in debt, but yet I continue to chase that dream. I long for #2 so badly sometimes I can taste it. I did this all before *B* as well. I keep going and going on a downward spiral of misery and despair until there will come a point that I will eventually have to throw in the towel or risk losing it all.

What if we could just be happy as a family of three? What if we could quit "trying" and it come naturally to us or not, and be okay with that? What if this time I/we didn't have to hit rock bottom in the infertility realm before we learn from our mistakes?

Could we be happy truly? Is this feasible? One can only hope while we go on a break, b/c right now I'm just not ready to "try" again.

**For a more basic understanding of Infertility please visit:

Resolve: Infertility 101
and for the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) please visit:

NIAW Take Charge
Also you can check out the original “what if” list here at:

Stirrup-Queens Blogger's Unite Project "What If?"

Welcome ICLW!

2010-04-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

If you've found my blog from ICLW... WELCOME! Above this entry below my header you can find "My TTC Journey" page and read up on me and our struggle. I should forewarn you though if this is the first time your stopping by my blog, I'm not usually a Debbie Downer. It's just that last week I got a BFP, and Monday I found out the results of my second beta and they were not favorable to say the least. Check out entries below this one to see the full story if you would like.

Otherwise, I've been blogging for quite some time. This is my second blog. My first blog can be found in many places on this blog and the net. One place being my sidebar under Labor of Love, in the Infertility category, and the sub category Parenting- After Infertility (CatrishaT).

As you know from clicking on my blog in the ICLW line up, I deal with PCOS. Also, I have hypothyroidism and high blood pressure. We conceived our first son naturally after 3 losses and years of infertility treatments naturally while waiting on my body to adjust from a chemical pregnancy. We've been TTC#2 for two years. We've had a total of 5 losses now (currently waiting on the body to expel this one or a D&C which ever ends up happening). All in all this is my bumpy life and ride... hopefully you'll like what you read and stick around. Happy ICLW!

PS: Full details on everything can be found in older posts or as I stated above in the "My TTC Journey" page tab.

Second Beta Results

2010-04-20T10:50:00.007-04:00

You know the old saying "No news is good news?" That's not always the case. I got the results of my second beta, and they were not what I wanted at all. Honestly with my first number so high so early, I didn't expect my second number to fall. But, I've have a history of m/c and chemical pregnancies. I blame this on stupid sensetive tests, and the fact that they are so sensetive or else I would not of even known I was pregnant more than likely. I blame this loss on my body and how messed up and defective it is. I wanted this baby, I wanted a sibling for my son, I was already attached and I didn't even realize how much. My first draw was 101, my second was 82. I held such high hopes for this BFP, for this pregnancy. Now I'm left questioning and feeling empty. I cried myself into exhaustion. So much exhaustion that I fell asleep with *B* last night at 8:30pm and slept until 9:30am this morning. I wish that there was more that I could of done or that my Drs could of done to make sure that this didn't happen. I'm so upset and mad. I don't understand it. I also feel like I'm dealing with this alone. Of course I have all my online and bloggy friends that are wrapping me in support and care, but here at home... not so much. When I told DH, he was "What do you want me to do about it?" We squabbled a bit and I told him to care more. He never cares enough, or if he does he certainly doesn't show it. I would of liked nothing more than for him to come home from work and hug me, hold me, let me cry into his chest... didn't happen. Still didn't happen this morning. Why does m/c not affect men like it does women... it's their loss too damnit?!?! I tried to talk to my sister about it, but never got the words out in the 3min we were on the phone before she had another call coming in and never called me back. I mean how do you tell people that you're losing a baby (you haven't yet, but you will) that you just told days ago that you were having? Not the easiest task, I assure you. Sometimes I just wish in early pregnancy that there was a magic wand or test that you could take or wave over your stomach and know if this was going to happen. Other than a blood test ya know? Something that would let you know at home before you opened your big fat mouth and told everyone so you didn't feel so stupid and upset when you had to tell them the bad news just what seems like moments later.

I hope one day to add to our family of three. I hope one day to give *B* a sibling. I hope one day to give DH another child. I hope one day to carry another pregnancy to term and have another bubbly baby. I hope one day that I won't feel so hurt, depressed, defective, broken or withdrawn. I hope one day that I will forever not have to wear the scarlet letters IF or Pregnancy Loss... but today will not be that day. Honestly I don't know if those days will ever come at this point, b/c they've been burnt into my flesh and will always remain. They are my battle wounds, my scars, my hurt, my pain, my loss... but for today I just wish it wasn't me.

Beta 1 and Beta 2

2010-04-18T17:19:00.005-04:00

I couldn't hold out until Friday. I'm an impatient person what can I say. I went ahead and had to call an OB/GYN to get in b/c I was having alot of cramping (still am actually) and I had a bit of (TMI ALERT!!) brownish mucous discharge. I've been having that discharge every morning when I wake up and that's it. I'm assuming it's old blood and nothing more, that's coming out from over doing it the day/night before. Mostly b/c I've been trying to keep myself occupied but take it easy at the same time (easier said than done with a 2yr old but I'm trying), but every night I go to bed with my belly aching and every morning I wake up refreshed with no pain. So, any how I called and I got in to see an OB (that made me feel very uncomfortable when sitting between my legs to wand me, but that's another entry) and I got an initial beta done Thursday and a repeat 48hr beta done on Saturday. My initial beta level was 101! I'm not sure of my repeat as the password that the OB's office gave me to get my results was incorrect when I called. So, I have to wait until tomorrow morning to see what is going on. I'm hoping and praying for doubling numbers.

As far as test taking goes to make me feel better... they haven't. I've taken 8 tests since Wednesday. They're not getting darker in intensity at all. In fact they're pretty much the same darkness, which scares the hell out of me. There is still a line there, and a line is a line which is reassuring... but not getting any darker like they should makes me very nervous with my history of m/c. Guess the second beta # will prove to be what is to come of this pregnancy. Just please keep me and this little gummy bear in your prayers if you can spare some.... thanks.

Can You See What I See?!?!

2010-04-14T10:21:00.003-04:00

Originally this was going to be a Wordless Wednesday post, but I can't just leave you with pics and not say anything... LOL! I have 2 pics worth a million words, maybe even a million and one words.... but I'm reserved and guarded in posting them, b/c I'm scared it will make them less true. Any how... I'm on CD24 and either 11 or 12DPO....

These are quite faded from when I first took them.

I had a cheap dollar store test as well as 3 Equate brand tests in my arsonal that I was dying to take to see what the results were. I kept telling myself that I was not going to take an HPT until this Friday at the very earliest as I didn't want to get my hopes up, and then get let down already. But then DH came in from work this morning and I had to get up to pee, and he asked me if I had taken a test yet. I told him "No," of course since I hadn't. He told me to take one if I could b/c he wanted to know I've all his sperm-babies were doing something. So, I told him I had a cheapy test that I could use, but I was saving the good ones for until Friday. I went in, I peed, and low and behold this is what I saw:

Faint on a cheap test that doesn't detect early, but definitely there!

I plan on calling an OB/GYN on Friday after I take another "better" test. Looks like I won't be needing that RE appt now after all (least I hope not). The only things different I did this month was drink Fertil-Tea and take Fertil-Aid starting 2wks before AF ever showed up... as well as once she arrived I ate something once a day with some sort of yam in it, b/c I heard on that crazy show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant..." that its a natural fertility booster and can possibly help with the number of follicles (re: possibility of multiples... although I don't know how true this is even with research). As far as symptoms go, I'm crampy.... which scares the hell out of me. I've had heartburn a couple of times this week. I have sore nips, but not all over sore breasts. I'm peeing alot, but actually I just think it's alot b/c I'm noticing it... LOL! And, I'm tired... but I'm always tired, I have a hyper-active toddler. Otherwise nothing else going on. I'm excited yet scared, I want to tell everyone yet I'm guarded, and most of all I just really want this miracle already and I just found out. Please, please if you can spare a prayer I would appreciate it... I'll keep you posted.

PS: If you know how to get ahold of me on other messaging sites that aren't private (FB, Myspace, MSN, etc.) PLEASE DO NOT SAY ANYTHING THERE as I haven't told my family yet, and I have an infertile aunt that I'm really close to that has never had children that I would like to hear from me and not the world wide web, as well as the rest of my family of course. Thanks!

Easter...

2010-04-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

better late than never. This year it was difficult to have an Easter celebration with the sickies in our home. (Speaking of which I'm now sporting a lovely case of the stomach flu that *B* and DH had first.) Any how, there was a day before it got cold outside again when they got better, before I got sick that we were able to have an Easter egg hunt. But, coloring eggs was pretty much DH and me... *B* got in on like two eggs as he just didn't feel up to it. And opening of *B*'s 3 Easter baskets was not done until this past Wed. as he just did not feel up to it until then. (Why 3 baskets? Only one from us the other two were from family members houses that we had to for go dinner at b/c of the sickies.) So, here for your viewing pleasure is our Easter week... ENJOY!

Aggravation

2010-04-07T00:14:00.004-04:00

ag·gra·va·tion
1. The act of aggravating or the state of being aggravated.
2. A source of continuing, increasing irritation or trouble.
3. Exasperation.

It comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms. It can be from the tiniest thing such as not having enough milk for a bowl of cereal to something bigger like a pimple on your face on picture day to the hugest of TTC with many failed cycles only to find out your infertile and treatments are pricey. Of course my aggravation tonight comes from my dysfunctional family and how the decisions in life they make effect my life ten fold.

Two weekends ago my Dad and I had a very heated fight that lasted for three days. It started on Friday when he was getting really drunk (like usual) and I had to go get shots and dog license for my dog that he now cares for. I told him that it was going to cost approximately $28, but once I got everything done and it was realized that the licensing was past due it ended up costing $39. He had given my $40, and so I brought him back $1... to which he called me a thieving whore. He wanted me to take him to the store and the bank, but he couldn't stand up straight let alone walk in these public places so I told him I would do it for him and we had some words about him needing to sober up. After I went and got him the things that he needed we went to the park, and when I returned back to his place he was passed out and R (my little brother's mom) was there. I just left the money and the items and returned home. A few hours went by and R calls me upset stating that Dad had kicked her out and she wanted to know if I would take her to a friends house when she got a hold of him/her. I went over there to help her carry her belongings to my house to wait, and when I got there my Dad started on me about taking her side. We were nose to nose and he even balled up his fist and I was in fear that he would hit me (since he did it before when I was a child). After many hurtful statements he said to me including being a skanky whore, fat bitch, and a bum who lives off my husband I came back with something I'm ashamed to admit but struck him to his core. I called him my mom's sperm donor and told him he'd never done anything for me my whole life except cause me heartache, pain, misery, and beat me why should it be any different now. Finally R and I left his place with her stuff, but he was red-hot mad and called my house numerous times leaving hurtful messages on my machine that everyone could hear, even threatening to beat on me. Later that night he brought my dog over and opened my door up without being let in, and said I pushed the dog on him any how so I could have it back. He even had a verbal confrontation with DH and called him into the street to fight, which he didn't do. I again had to go to his house this time knock on the door and ask for the dog's bowls and food as well as his registration papers if I had to take him. He screamed, cussed, and got in my face again. I bawled and shook, but finally he gave me what I needed.

The next day everything had died down until DH's sister and her family came to our house for a cookout. We were all outside playing in the back yard and on the trampoline as well as cooking, and my Dad comes out to his porch. He begins yelling things. (He lives right next door.) He calls R and I pigs and hogs as well as bitches again. *B* yells "Pap-paw" over and over again only to be said to by my Dad "Shut up you little mother f*#%&r, I'm not supposed to talk to you b/c of your bitch mom, so don't you talk to me either." DH tells me to call the cops, but I didn't I warned Dad that I was going to do it if he didn't knock it off. Then when DH's sister goes to leave for a little bit Dad yells to her "Must be nice to be a welfare bum. Lazy MF-er's on welfare have better vehicles and eat better than the working man." They get public assistance b/c their son is Autistic, but they also work. She told him to shut the hell up. DH was insistent on me calling the cops now. But after this Dad went inside and things died down again.

Then Sunday rolled around and I was outside cleaning up dog poop from the dog around the trampoline, when he comes barreling out his door again to scream things at us. He says something about "Dog shit being on his side of the fence" or something like that. I reply to him if it's there it's b/c he never cleaned it up from the dog when he had him or from another dog that was running lose in the yard shortly before that. He comes back with "No you don't need to clean up any dog shit, you are pieces of dog shit." He continued to yells profanities and vulgarities to us in the yard, so we went on the back porch to where he couldn't see us. He went inside and we went back to what we were doing in the yard. He comes out again and I warn him I'm not messing around this time I will call the cops. He says "Call the cops I'll fight you and the MF-ing cops." So, I go inside and call them. When the officer arrives he takes my statement then goes over to talk to my Dad who is still on the porch yelling things. The officer tells him to keep his voice down. Dad tells the cop that he'll do that when the cop stops yelling at him. Then Dad stands up and I was watching from my back porch so I was looking at his back. To me it looked like he lunged at the cop, but I was informed that the cop pulled him off the steps b/c he stood up and threw his hands up, and said him & the cop had nothing to talk about. The cop then put him in a rear choke hold and told him if he didn't stop moving that he was going to break his F-ing neck. Finally Dad was unconscious and put in cuffs. They put him in the cruiser and took him to jail.

He was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. B/c of his background and having prior disorderly charges on him this charge instead of being a misdemeanor is a felony. He's looking at a combined time of 12-18mths in jail/prison. He's harassed me daily about my statement that I had to write out on what happened, and said that I don't care if he loses everything b/c I don't care about him. I'm just so tired of his drinking and I even talked about a better than normal plea deal with the prosecutor's secretary today on the phone. Instead of jail time, possibly a rehab facility so he doesn't lose everything.

Any how, the reason that I'm aggravated is b/c of this whole ordeal my child now repeats many cuss words in full sentences. He will tell you things that his pap-paw said to him/us and want you to call the law if something isn't going right. I'm aggravated b/c the court date for this whole ordeal is Thursday.... the day that I was supposed to go to my new RE. I've been subpoenaed to appear for the trial. My appt is roughly a 1 and a 1/2hr drive away on a good traffic day. Appt time is 11am, court is 1pm.... no feasible way of doing both. I've been waiting for this appt. since the end of January, now it's not going to happen. Everything that drunken man of a father has done in his life to wind him up in jail has deeply affected me in one way or another, and this is no different. I just wish for once he would choose his children over the booze, b/c we certainly did not ask to be born, but since we are we didn't ask for a father that's a drunk so why should we have to have one?? *SIGH!*

Rough Week

2010-04-02T19:41:00.003-04:00

This week has been one for the books. It started out with me being sick, added in a death in the family, and winded up with *B* being VERY sick. Just to briefly update ya'll on why I haven't been around is b/c of all this. I'm feeling/doing much better. My only complaint now is the allergy distress I'm having and the high volumes of vomit and diarrhea I've been cleaning up. Any how, one of DH's aunts passed away on our anniversary. It was sad for her to go home to be with our Lord, but she hadn't been well for a long time so she's now no longer in pain and in a better place. She will be missed though. Unfortunately we weren't even able to attend the funeral due to a VERY sick little man. The night before he came to me with vomit every where and fevered. That night he continued to be sick with vomiting, then when he woke up the next morning he had the diarrhea. Still has the diarrhea, but at least now he's eating. Any how, we had to do an ER visit for dehydration and get him some IV fluids. He's seemingly doing better today, and has wanted to be outside all day but he's still not acting himself at times. His pedi. said it was just a 48hr stomach bug and would pass quickly as it's going around, so I'm hoping that tomorrow he's up to full par. Otherwise that's why I've not been around.

*In other news, and on a more positive front... I'm on CD12 and I've been using OPKs and temping. I haven't had a change in my temp yet, but my lines are really dark almost the same darkness. I'm hoping maybe for once my crappy ovaries are going to "O" on their own and we'll get a BFP and not have to go to that appt. next week (OK more than likely go to it, but not need any intervention.) I guess I'll have to keep you posted on what happens.*

PS: Hope ya'll have a Blessed & Happy Easter!

Not Me! Monday

2010-03-29T15:16:00.003-04:00

Hey ya'll it's that time of week again. Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week, and please join in the fun. Happy Not Me-ing!

Over the weekend DH and I reached our 10yr being together anniversary (not marriage, that's in May). So, in true Catrisha fashion being that it was our anniversary I definitely did not do it up big. I did not pull out all the stops with Kleenex, cough drops, cold meds, and a heating pad b/c I was too sick with a head cold to do the normal. Nope. Not me.

I also did not decide that taking my child to Wal*greens for Easter pics with the Easter bunny was a good idea while sick, after reading the adpaper. I mean I needed more Kleenex and nasal spray any how, so why not. I did not get my child all pumped up to sit on that rabbit's lap only to get there and find out that s/he was also sick, and lost there kibble in front of other children at 11am that morning. At this point *B* did not proceed to have a meltdown thinking that that rabbit will now be too sick to bring him a basket next weekend and hide the eggs he's eager to color. So, I did not throw a huge fit with the sales clerk telling her that someone in that store needed to dress up as a damned rabbit to calm my child down. Nobody could, however he still got very cute Easter pics taken in a awesome packet deal for only $9.99, due to our tantrums. To which I did not refuse to pay for b/c he was off center and had red eye, b/c the actual photographer went home with the good camera and they used a crappy in store one. Nope. Not me! I'm not that rude, mean or moody... except for when AF is here, I'm sick, and you've made my child cry b/c you're sorta taking away from the whole Easter bunny gimmick for him and he doesn't understand.

PS: I ended up paying $4.99 for the pics, but still I could of taken a better one myself with my own camera and made up thrown together background. I'll post the pic soon when I get it scanned and uploaded.

WAH-HOO!!!!

2010-03-27T11:05:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is the last day of ICLW. This part makes me sad, but early in the week I quickly got ahead in the commenting. So much so that I reached Iron Commenter status for the first time ever yesterday. I'm still leaving comments now of course, but I must say that I've found and read a part of so many incredible people's lives that I find it astonishing. Every one has there own story and struggle, and I find it a God send that each one of these men or women have decided to blog about their TTC journey and make it public for others to share. I want to thank each of you for this, b/c it makes me feel not so alone in this infertility fight.

Now, to get back to an order of business that I wanted to type about. As I mentioned I reached Iron Commenter.

I'm so proud of myself!! There were 153 members on this month's list, so that ment alot of late nights after *B* was in bed to get there. But more so, do you remember my 101 in 1001 list? Well, I've been able to mark 3 off so far, so now I have 98 more to go. One small step for me, but one giant leap in the right direction!! WAH-HOO!!! Now, I need that champagne I want to try to pop the top and celebrate!! Thanks for all your comments I'm off to read and comment some more! Hope you're having a wonderful much warmer weekend than myself!

Soaking Up The Ohio Warmth

2010-03-25T02:16:00.005-04:00

The past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride here in not-so-sunny-Ohio with the temperatures. For a few days they're really warm, but nights you most definitely need the furnance on still. There's also been some rainy and cold days, and even some straggling snow showers in the mix. But we've been blessed with enough warm days to put *B*'s trampoline up, and to make it to the park twice, although the first time it was much to muddy and flooded so we didn't stay. Any how, all these long days outside have left *B* without naps (and he's been a trooper about that) and put him back sleeping in his own room all night long. (I'm knocking on wood right here, b/c I don't want to jinx this since it's been 8 long months that he's been coming to our room and climbing in our bed every night.) But, unfortunately it seems as though the forecast may change this weekend back to the drabby cold for a short little while. So, in the meantime I wanted to share some pictures with ya'll of our days out in the warmth.

Long Time No See

2010-03-24T01:55:00.004-04:00

Hello again Haggatha! It's about time you made your damned presence. I mean what it this like CD one million now or something? (I kid, I kid.) Seriously though AF appeared FINALLY in all her glory today and it's CD66. I had given up hope and was intenting on calling an OB/GYN, so s/he could call out a search party. I had an inkling she was lurking though, you know with the pizza face look I got with all these zits popping up over the weekend. So, now she's here.

Any how guess I won't have to find an OB/GYN to get into to get AF induced before my RE appt next month. Thank God for that. I am emotional and crampy as hell though, and I was secretly holding out hope that I was pregnant and all the stupid HPTs I've taken that kept daunting me with BFNs were just wrong. Guess I was just wrong. Hey one can never know right? Any way, it appears as though the RE I'm going to be seeing on Apr.8th wants me to have another full work up again with blood work, HSG, u/s, and pretty much the whole she-bang from the paper work I received today. This all will really suck since I had all this done already and I have limited infertility coverage now. I'm eager to talk to this new RE and see why I have to redo all this. Maybe it's the time frame since I've had it done, or maybe it's the lack of records they have on me since my OB/GYN is an asshole and won't release my stuff. Who knows? Any one out there have any ideas?

Monster See, Monster Do

2010-03-22T18:07:00.004-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This past week was so nice, warm and springtime. *B* and I spent alot of time outside soaking up the glorious sunshine and even went to the park this past Friday with DH. When we were there it just so happens that my step-brother was there with his girl-friend and their 3kids. *B* is easily influenced by everything he sees so when my nephew went down the slide so did *B*. When my nephew went to the sand area, so did *B*. And when my nephew picked up sand and threw it *B*, he most certainly did not pick it up and throw sand at himself too. Nope. Not my child!

So, of course the crazy mother I am I freaked out, but I let them play, b/c boys will be boys. But then my nephew went up on wooden play thing and started spitting off it onto other kids. *B* did not do that either. Instead he spit juice from his cup on other kids which made them scream and their parents come hunting me. Nope, That could not be my child either.

Finally the straw that broke this Mommy's back was when I'm guessing my nephew went under the playhouse where it's secluded and peed. (He's potty trained and my brother has taught him just to whip it out anywhere and pee.) B/c relatively 60seconds later *B* did not run out from the same area nakkid as a blue jay saying "Mommy me pee like D too!" Nope. Not my child at all!!

So, what have you not been up to? Please don't be scared to add in you're whimsical horror stories like my own, b/c that is what this writing adventure at MckMama's is all about!! Happy Not Me-ing!

Happy ICLW!!

2010-03-21T16:26:00.004-04:00

Hello fellow IComLeavWe'ers. If this is the first time that you're visiting my blog I thank you. Sit down, make yourself comfy, and I encourage you to stay awhile. If you'd like to know more about my TTC journey check out my "About Me In Depth" page under the header above. In the meantime look around, feel free to get to know me and my family, and ENJOY!

HAPPY ICLW FROM ME, DH, AND *B* IN THE LAND OF BABY DREAMS!!

I Call Him...

2010-03-20T11:59:00.003-04:00

As many of you have read in the the last entry about how I only have two local OB/GYNs to choose from this entry will be about the one that I have never seen. Please be adviced this is very near and dear to my heart and you may need tissues, or anger management after reading.

The OB/GYN that I used to go to has basically snubbed me. He sent me off to an RE before my son that I loved. I went through a chemical pregnancy with my first injectible cycle with that RE, and I had to wait for 3mths for my levels to come back down and AF to get back to normal. A week before that 3mths was to be up, I found out that I was pregnant with our son naturally. When I called the RE to be seen she told me that she could bring me in for an u/s to make sure everything was alright or release directly to my OB/GYN since I didn't get pregnant on any type of meds. Stupid me went directly to the OB/GYN, since I got pregnant naturally. While I was pregnant my RE left the practice, and my insurance changed meaning I would need another referral if I ever needed to go there again. Which brings me to present day when I did treatments at my OB/GYNs office with him and the other Dr that was in there that could/would prescribe injectibles to me. I did what was supposedly a soft stim low resistance cycle this past summer that paired oral and injectible meds and I experienced signs of OHSS, and the nurses that I always had to speak to told me it was in my head and there was no way I could be experiencing said symptoms. I finally demanded to see the Dr. and when I did he treated me like it was my fault that neither Dr. ever found out what was going on with me even though I called many times daily for 9days straight in severe pain. I ended up blowing up on him, his nurses, and even some sweet random woman in the waiting room that asked me if I was alright. Now, they won't release my patient files to me or give me a referral for my insurance, let alone see me.

On to the other OB/GYN in town the one I've never seen. There was a time that I wanted to see him. He sounded like my kind of Dr. I was just blind by the other OB/GYN so much that I never made an appt. My best friend raved about how excellent of a Dr. this one is. He has a private practice and the kind of bedside manner that you only see good doctors in movies exhibit. He cares about his patients, and has their best interest at heart. I never went to this Dr. I made an appt. once, b/c I was going to switch to him to be my OB when I was pregnant with *B* early on. I cancelled the appt. (b/c it was after what you're about to read happened). B/c now, that best-friend that I talked about she's dead. And I call this doctor..... Dr. Best-Friend Killer. You can read THIS entry from my first online journal that I wrote about what happened to my friend. I don't think I could ever see this Dr. If I by chance went into his office just to get my referral, that is the only thing I would have in my head the whole time. I'm usually good at holding my tongue, but in this instance I don't think that I could. She was my best-friend, like a sister to me, supposed to be my child/ren's Godmother; and he ended all that with one surgery. I know surgeries have risks, but seriously to this extent? I still have hatred and anger in me towards this man. I should say that after an autopsy was performed on her it was found that she was over sedated by anesthesia causing her to go blind (if she would of lived), her bowels had been perforated many times and leaked into her abdominal cavitity (she still could of lived from this, just would had to of wore a colostomy bag for the rest of her life, b/c by the time it was caught her bowels had died), and he had cut away a quarter of her uterus and not repaired it and knicked her ovaries several times which caused severe internal hemorrhaging (which caused her to bleed to death). This was supposed to be a simple endo and cyst removal as well as ablation surgery and LEEP for precancerous cell removal so that she could have another baby..... and now she's gone.

I know you're going to ask why he's still practicing? This is b/c not until 24hrs had passed after Sandra had left the hospital after this out-patient procedure was done did she start noticing something was more was wrong. She returned back to the hospital, where she was sent home by the ER Dr. being told these were all normal although severe symptoms from her surgery and sent her home. 8hrs more went by, and she lost her sight and called an ambulance. After an hour at the ER again she slipped into a coma and was transferred to a bigger hospital via life-flight. When her family contacted an attorney about what had happened and it went to trial it was ruled that if she would of sought medical treatment before that first 24hrs had passed, they would of been awarded money and he would of lost his medical license.

CD60??

2010-03-17T11:44:00.004-04:00

Seriously you defective piece of crap reproductive system.... WHY CAN'T YOU WORK RIGHT?!?! This is quite ridiculous that it has been 60 days since I last seen AF. I have until next month before I'm into see my new RE, and I refuse to go to my former OB/GYN after him or any member of his office never called me back after my lumpy leaky breast issues at the end of the year. I mean if you can't get a response from them on something that serious, how are they going to take the rest of my body seriously? So, after taking like 10 HPTs and getting all BFNs in the course of the last 20-30days I need to find a course of action, b/c I know the new RE will not be happy about me having a non-existant AF upon my arrival to her office. I only have like a handful of choices and none of which I find very optimal: I can call my family Dr. and see if I can get him to give me a script for Pro*vera so that I can have AF. I can find another OB/GYN and hopefully get in to see him/her before my RE appt and get a script to start AF. I can suck it up call the current OB/GYN even though I'm severely irritated with that office, go in get my pap (that they put off last year), and get me a script. Or I can continue to wait for the RE appt. and hope and pray she's not mad at me when I get there for not contacting my OB/GYN about this problem and then get a script when I'm there and start AF. I'm not sure what to do, but I know I need to do something? Anything? Maybe I'll call the RE's office and see what the nurse mgr. has to say about what I should do, since I'm not yet currently a patient until my intake appt. next month. Sounds like a good idea to me.....

I'll let you know.

PS: Make sure if you leave me a comment asking a question that you check back in that post's comment section for my reply. I tend to have conversations in my comment area, for those that are new to the blog. :)

Sound Off

2010-03-16T11:40:00.009-04:00

**Please be forewarned that this is going to be a total bitch-fest, probably complete with profanity. So, if you don't want to read for whatever reason I totally understand. I just thought I'd let you know ahead of time before you continue on.**

I'm aggrevated. I usually let alot of things bottle up inside be before it all comes spilling out, but lately I've met my limit and I keep letting little jabs off here and there in my various relationships. I could write novels on the aggrevations that DH's sisters put on me, and it just so happens this entry will probably be no different. So let's get to what's been going on shall we?

Lately the duo have been riding my nerves. It started with H*attie. A few weeks back her and I had an all out (would of came to blows had we been face to face) arguement on the computer. It started over something so small, but something that has been bothering me for sometime. Maybe I'm going to sound selfish and petty, maybe not and you'll understand. But here the thing when we moved to our new home in "the city" we only moved 7-10min from our old place. Our old place was (no lie) across the street from the older sister and her family. So, when H*attie and her crew came to visit she was killing 2 birds with one stone. She was able to visit both of us in one stop. Now that we live in "the city" she doesn't visit us, b/c it's farther. Precisely 6.8miles farther. She has been her only twice in a year and that was for *B*'s birthday and Thanksgiving. Their excuse for this was that they didn't have the gas, and then that they didn't have a reliable vehicle. Then I found out that she was visiting the older sister and they were keeping it from us. Whatever, I got over it b/c they said as soon as they got a new vehicle they would come visit us. I'm naive what can I say. So, tax time came around and they got a new very reliable vehicle, and they visited the older sister. They still tried to keep it a secret, but somebody spilled the beans and we found out. DH and I were both hurt by their actions, and H*attie thought it was funny. So, that is how the arguement started, and it ended on the note of her calling CPS on me for being a bad Mom b/c I go out with friends and drink (while me husband stays at home and watches our child [insert rolly eyes here]) and that I don't know who the father of my son is b/c I'm a whore. So, I washed my hands of her.

But, it didn't stop there. In the weeks to pass she proceeded to make a FB account and then add all of my closest friends and some of my family members. She then started asking questions about me and talking shit about me to said people. The majority told her off. A couple put her in her place before she even started her nonsense. And the others deleted and blocked her. I blocked her right away, b/c I didn't want any more drama with her or her knowing anything about what was going on in my life by being able to read things on my status or friend's walls. She kept up with her anctics though and just made herself look really bad in the process, b/c everyone she was talking crap about me too had heard about the fight that I had had with her and the name calling on her behalf and here she was talking to another man all over her wall publically and sexually. This is the same man that J*ordan caught her cheating on him with not once or twice, but three times.

Well, I had left it all alone until this past week and I had really given a whole lot of thought to it or done anything about the crap. I mostly just sat back and watched her dig her own hole and laughed. This past week the older sister (whom I don't get along with either and just tolerate) and J*ordan pulled me into things. J*ordan gave me some FB information so that I could read somethings for myself. Older sister told me that she talked to J and that he was going to catch H*attie in the act again this past weekend and this time he was done. So, this past Friday he took a vacation day from work, but still acted to her as if he was going. Drove away but went so that he could still see their place from his location. Within 20min she brought in this other guy. J was pissed and took off so that he did confront them and beat them both (to death or whatever he's violent). When he returned an hour or so later H*attie was gone and *H* was standing in his pack-n-play with a note taped to it stating "I'm done. I'm not happy with you any longer. I don't want you or this bastard child. I'm leaving, b/c I want to live my life for me now." ERRRRR!!! I am furious with her. After talking to J I found out that while she was pregnant that she did somethings (like punching herself in the stomach after she lost the girl) b/c she didn't want to have a boy. I want to punch her in the face I'm so pissed at her and teenage ways. She didn't deserve that baby, or any baby for that matter. I just want to thump her I have to much anger built up in me. Maybe it's the infertility that is waining heavily on the feeling or maybe it's just the fact that I know what she's dont is beyond wrong.

That brings me to the older sister. After this took place she went on and on about how she was done with H*attie. She was no sister of her's. She hated her and would like to smack some sense into her. How she thought that she deserved form of punishment and backlash that she got. (Exactly how I felt.) Which brings me to today when I get an e-mail from older sister letting me know she talked to H*attie last night. She said things with H and J are fine now. He let her come home and that she's not upset with H now that H explained things to her about why she did what she did. I want to smack her too. How can you forgive someone that puts your nephew in harms way so easily? There is no explanation or excuse good enough in this world to justify punching yourself in the stomach when you were pregnant, leaving your child for weeks on end with family and strangers, dropping him off on a doorstep, or leaving him alone in a play pen.... all things H has done. Oh I know how you can, b/c you're just as ignorant as she is. ARGH!!! Plus older sister is now trying to be like me. Oh wait she's always tried to be like me, she always envies everything we have and tries to one up us, but can't. Now she's even going as far as to put similar status messages as me up on Myspace and FB. I swear I think now would be the time to step away from the computer for a week to complete one of my 101, b/c if not the duo is going to put me in the psych ward.

Now that ya'll have some insight into how the bitches in my life make it hell what do you think? I'll tell ya what I think... I sometimes think I married into the wrong family, b/c the shit I endure with them is so not worth it at times. Thank God my wonderful DH and my Monster of a child make up for all their bad.

Q & A (Updated)

2010-03-15T13:33:00.004-04:00

After posting my 101 in 1001 list I was asked a variety of questions and left a variety of comments and sent a variety of e-mails. Since a lot of you are asking similar questions, and I've been soaking up the warmth in these here parts the past week I thought rather than respond to ya'll individually I would just post it up here. (Sorry if that's in personal and rude, I hope you can understand.)

So here goes:
Q-"What is the 100 day Sex Challenge?"
A- This is a challenge that I got from a former blogger's blog that suddenly and sadly closed her blog this past year for personal reason. But, basically what it is, is that you must have sex or do something sexual with your partner for 100 straight days resulting in an orgasm for one of you or both of you each day. And, even if you don't feel like doing anything, you're wore out from being over sex-ed, or whatever you CAN NOT say NO!

Q- "Do you need any help with mixed drink recommendations?"
A- Well, yeah actually. I was just going to go to this site and randomly pick 3 drinks with my liquor of choice (vodka), but you can run into some really nasty tasting things doing that. So, if you've got some tried and true tested one that taste good.... by all means pass them along.

Q- "You're getting another tattoo? Didn't know you already had one. What is it and where is it and what is you're new one going to be?"
A- I actually have 2 tattoos. I have a red, white, and blue flower on my spine between my shoulder blades. I liked it when I first got it done, but now I hate the positioning of it and wish it were higher. My other tattoo is on my left outer calf. It's a hibiscus flower with a butterfly landing on it and DH's name floating above it. My new tattoo I'm very undecided on. I want to get something with *B*'s name on it, but I hope he's not our only child and I don't want to really have to get a tattoo for each child, so I thought about waiting on that. As far as placement I've thought about the top of my foot and the side of my neck behind my ear, but nothing is set in stone yet so I'll let you know.

Q- "What themes are you doing your bathroom and *B*'s room in?"
A- I'm set on doing my bathroom theme and brightly colored blues and greens. I had originally wanted a lighthouse theme, but I'm going with unique instead. For *B*'s room, he's almost 3yrs old and I need to decide on a theme that he can grow into and will hopefully like until he's 8-10yrs. old so I don't have to throw a bunch more money that way. Any suggestions for a little boy themed room that's not to mature and versatile?

Q- "OMG! I didn't know *B* was going to pre-school already. Isn't he too young? Why don't we know about this?"
A- *B* isn't to young he's 2yrs old and will be 3yrs old July 1st. The start age around here for pre-school is 3yrs old. Plus, he's pretty advanced as it is and we think it will be good for him to interact more with other children, since he is an only child right now. As far as you Dreamers not knowing about it... I'm sorry and I do apologize. I posted about it on my FB that we went to an Open House for a local pre-school, and since then I just haven't had the time to post how it went or what is going on, let alone post it to my blog. But, you can keep up with me on FB if you would like, and as soon as I figure how to link my blog to FB that will make it easier, but in the meantime just email me and I'll let you know how to find me. Oh and look for an entry about the pre-school Open House coming soon.

Q- "What do you want to go back to school for and where?"
A- Currently I'll probably go back to school online (not sure where as of yet and I'm in no hurry b/c I don't plan on doing it until *B*'s in pre-school at least), b/c it's just easier with being a SAHM and having *B* so that we don't have to pay for daycare. As far as what I plan on going back to school for... I would like to be an ultrasound tech but instead of localizing in that particular profession I'm going to broad spectrum my learning in radiology so that I can do it all in that field (re: x-rays, ultrasounds, MRIs, etc).

**Updated: Cuddles and Chaos- Forgive me but I can't access your blogger profile from your comment, so I left you a comment to your comment in my comments. LOL. That's sounds confusing. Please just check my comments. Thanks.**

So, there you have it. You asked. I answered. Keep the questions coming if you have them though and I'll answer them as best as I can as soon as I can.

101 Things In 1001 Days

2010-03-10T01:14:00.008-05:00

I got this idea from a fellow IF-er and blogging friend. Her name is Jenny and you can check out her List at her blog Paisley Blooms (Someday). Basically it's a list that you make of 101 Things that you try to complete in 1001 Days or less. I have issues with completing lists unless they're put into black and white, so here's mine in writing. And much like Jenny... I'll be coming back to it and crossing things off as I've accomplished them, so stay tuned. Oh, and if you are inspired to make a list after reading over ours', please be so kind as to leave a comment and let me know so I can check out your list too!! Best of Luck!!

~~Become an Iron Commenter once during an IComLeavWe week.~~
Participate in every ICLW for a year.
~~Lose 25lbs or more.~~ I'm going to count losing all 26lbs of my baby weight from *A*.
~~Workout for 20min a day for 30days straight on my exercise bike.~~
~~Watch what I eat for those 30days, and~~
~~Count my calorie intake for those 30days.~~
~~Try not to cry on *B*'s first day of pre-school.~~ I successfully didn't cry in front of him, but I did cry so epic win and epic fail.
~~Go 2wks without any form of fast food.~~
Learn how to salsa dance.
~~Drink 3 mixed alcoholic drinks that I've never had before.~~
Paint my dining room.
~~Finish decorating the dining room in my country star theme.~~
~~Pick out a theme for *B*'s bedroom, and~~
~~Paint *B*'s bedroom, and~~
~~Decorate *B*'s bedroom.~~
Pick out a theme for the bathroom, and
Paint the bathroom, and
Decorate the bathroom.
~~Watch all my DVR'd shows in the week that I DVR them for a month.~~
~~Go camping.~~
Go on a family vacation to the ocean.
Write our names in the sand at the beach, and
Take a picture of it.
~~Visit my sister and her family in KY.~~
See my best-friend Jodie's new apartment.
~~Get my hair cut, colored, and highlighted all at the same time.~~
~~Make 5 new recipes from scratch.~~
~~Make cupcakes for the first time ever.~~
Walk in the local Relay for Life event.
Walk in the local Autism Awareness 5K.
~~Get off my blood pressure meds.~~
Stay in a bed and breakfast.
~~Go a day without using a curse word.~~
Start and complete the 100day sex challenge we tried to do awhile back.
Make it to the pool at least once a week for entire time it's open.
Make it to the park once at least once a week for 3mths.
Get another tattoo.
~~Get a pedicure.~~
~~Get a manicure.~~
Get a massage from someone licensed.
Go back to school. (pending 10/4/10 start date.)
~~Design my own blog background.~~
Blog everyday for a month.
~~Go to bed before midnight, and~~
~~Wake up before 10am everyday for a week.~~
Complete the 30 Day Shred workout video without modifications.
~~Have a garage sale.~~
~~Finish my backyard landscaping.~~
Pay off our debt.
Get a part-time job.
Take my medicine correctly everyday.
~~Stay away from the internet completely for a week.~~ That wasn't hard having a newborn and all.
~~Go a day without checking the weather channel.~~
~~Finish unpacking boxes in our basement from when we moved.~~
~~Reach 50 followers on this blog.~~
Try champagne.
~~Drink only 100% juice or water for a month.~~ That wasn't hard having GD while pregnant.
~~Keep a daily food journal for a month.~~ Wasn't hard having GD while pregnant.
~~Put my laundry away after it's finished instead of leaving it hang on the rack.~~
Take a bubble bath.
~~Jump on the trampoline with *B* for 20min a day for a week.~~
Go to Disneyland.
Go on a cruise.
Stay in a summer cottage/cabin on Lake Erie.
Go to a Cincinnati Bengals football game.
~~Let DH give me my infertility injections without being nervous.~~
Hostess another blog giveaway.
Win a blog giveaway.
Learn how to do yoga.
~~Sit on my porch during a thunderstorm.~~
~~Make a snow angel with *B*.~~
~~Make a snowman with *B*.~~
Print out all my photos, and
organize them.
Learn how to Photoshop a portrait to enhance it.
Wear a sundress once a month throughout summer.
~~Limit myself to 5 pairs of new flip-flops for a season.~~
Finish *B*'s baby book scrapbook.
Invite my family over for big Sunday dinners like we used to have.
~~Go a day without raising my voice, b/c I'm angry.~~
~~Teach *B* his ABC's.~~
~~Teach *B* his colors better.~~
Teach *B* his phone #.
Teach *B* his address.
Watch the entire series of ER.
~~Find an OB/RE I actually like.~~
Get *B* sleeping in his own bed all night long again.
~~Fully day-time potty train *B*.~~
~~Fully night-time potty train *B*.~~
~~Hostess a holiday gathering at my house for my Mom's side of the family.~~
Use my crock pot everyday for a week.
Try not to eat after 8pm for a month.
~~Learn how to style my hair 3 new ways.~~
~~Have a Pure Romance party.~~
Have a Tastefully Simple party.
Have a Stampin' Up party.
~~Update my first online blog/journal once a month.~~
Figure out how to make a functional page toolbar for my blog.
~~Add to our family of 3, either by having another or adoption.~~ *A* made 4 on 7/26/11!!
Attend and complete a zumba fitness class.
Complete this list in it's entirety.