D&C

I won't be needing one, thankfully and hopefully. I started bleeding yesterday (which just happened to be the same day as my appt. to to schedule the D&C). The OB/GYN told me that I needed to keep an eye on things, and the slightest sign that things weren't right with this "Flo" I needed to call the office. In which case I may still need a D&C, but I'm hoping that things will go accordingly. For a change.

So, that's the update. Other than that, I've just been laying around and crying alot. Hoping the hormone drop that brought on the depression fades fast, otherwise I might have to go get some happy pills. I'll try to write a better update when I feel more up to it. Thanks for all your comments and support everyone.

Just What I Needed

Yesterday was just the sort of day that I needed to take my mind off the obvious. (I really need to write about that, but I just can't bring myself to do it more yet. However I did take another HPT Thursday morning as directed by my Dr. and it was still faintly positive... so it's looking like I'll be in D&C territory next week probably.) Any how, let me paint the picture for you. Today was a mildly warm and extremely sunny day. DH and I took the Monster to the park to blow off some steam and to go fishing. This wasn't his first fishing excursion, but it was the first one that he cared about what was happening and got involved. Of course Mommy took her camera, and *B* and Daddy didn't disappoint once the fish started biting (which took about an hour an a half, b/c *B* kept throwing in rocks at first scaring off the fish), so I got lots of pics and a couple videos.

Getting the line ready with the hook and bobber.

The bait.

Holding a night crawler.

Getting a wax worm for the hook.

Sitting on the bank waiting for a bite.

The first catch... a blue gill.

Touching a fish for the first time.

The second catch and biggest of the day.

Another catch.

Learning how to take the hook out himself.

Realing in the first catch and Kissing the First Fish For Good Luck!! (I was totally grossed out by that, DH says that it's a fisherman's legend or something. *rolling eyes*)

After the fishing was bait was gone, we went to get some subs from Sub*way and then back to the park to the playground area. We ate and played. It was lots of fun. An hour passed of playing and *B* asked if he was getting his haircut today, b/c we had been jokingly messing with him calling a "Shaggy Dog." So, we decided to leave and see how busy the hair place was. Lucky us, we were the only customers at the time, so he got his head buzzed for summer. (I'll have to take a pic of that tomorrow, b/c I forgot.) Across from the hair place is D*Q, and b/c *B* had been such a good boy all day and noticed it was the ice cream place, we went out for a treat to reward him. When we were done there we had to head to Wal*Mart for some more pull-ups, and on the way home, the little man was out like a light. Of course we woke him when we got home to get him bathed and ready for bed, but he was ready to go straight back to sleep afterwards. All in all it was a perfect day and my focus was on being a Mommy to the precious ever-so-fast-growing little boy I already have.

What If?

This is National Infertility Awareness Week** (NIAW: April 24-May 1). I am an Infertile, and proud to say so and to have so much support in the blogosphere!

"What If despite every effort and exhausting every resource, effort, and finance we have available to us our son is our only child?"

Will DH, *B*, and I be okay with being a family of three? Will I always see sadness in DH's eyes when he looks at our family and friends' families that have more than one child? Will I always wonder in the back of my mind if DH regrets being with me b/c I can't add to our family?

Will I always have a gaping hole in my heart? Will this heart of mine always break when I hear *B* talk about wanting a baby brother or sister? Will I always long for a sibling for my precious *B* more than he does? Will I always think about the babies that we've lost that would of added to our family? Will I be able to tell *B* about those babies lost one day and say, "Son, you would of had a brother or a sister had Mommy's body not been so broken and God not decided that He wanted them with Him b/c they were more precious than for here on Earth."

Will I always feel resentment toward my siblings for being able to conceive without a hint of an infertility problem? And that they are able to have more than one child? And furthermore will my heart always break when they or anyone says “Oh you’ll have another one… just be patient it’s in God’s hands and time,” while they’re popping out another sibling to add to their brood because they have never taken the time to listen to my struggle, know what’s involved, and/or try to understand it or even empathize with my situation?

Infertility is a horribly painful battle it leaves its mark every where. Whether it be the emotional toll from the trying, to the scars from the treatments and/or surgeries, to the stress and strain on relationships, to the depletion of your lives' savings IF has it's mark. It makes us feel inadequate as humans at times, and definitely makes us question much more than we ever thought imaginable. Everyday I pray for a second child, and every day I am let down. Every day I hold anger and resentment towards others b/c they don't struggle, and I find myself lashing out with my bitterness b/c reproducing came so easy to them. I ruin relationships, I push my DH away, he pushes me away. I strive toward the next treatment or appt. not letting myself heal from the last. I run ourselves deeper in debt, but yet I continue to chase that dream. I long for #2 so badly sometimes I can taste it. I did this all before *B* as well. I keep going and going on a downward spiral of misery and despair until there will come a point that I will eventually have to throw in the towel or risk losing it all.

What if we could just be happy as a family of three? What if we could quit "trying" and it come naturally to us or not, and be okay with that? What if this time I/we didn't have to hit rock bottom in the infertility realm before we learn from our mistakes?

Could we be happy truly? Is this feasible? One can only hope while we go on a break, b/c right now I'm just not ready to "try" again.


**For a more basic understanding of Infertility please visit:

Resolve: Infertility 101
and for the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) please visit:

NIAW Take Charge
Also you can check out the original “what if” list here at:

Stirrup-Queens Blogger's Unite Project "What If?"

Welcome ICLW!

If you've found my blog from ICLW... WELCOME! Above this entry below my header you can find "My TTC Journey" page and read up on me and our struggle. I should forewarn you though if this is the first time your stopping by my blog, I'm not usually a Debbie Downer. It's just that last week I got a BFP, and Monday I found out the results of my second beta and they were not favorable to say the least. Check out entries below this one to see the full story if you would like.

Otherwise, I've been blogging for quite some time. This is my second blog. My first blog can be found in many places on this blog and the net. One place being my sidebar under Labor of Love, in the Infertility category, and the sub category Parenting- After Infertility (CatrishaT).

As you know from clicking on my blog in the ICLW line up, I deal with PCOS. Also, I have hypothyroidism and high blood pressure. We conceived our first son naturally after 3 losses and years of infertility treatments naturally while waiting on my body to adjust from a chemical pregnancy. We've been TTC#2 for two years. We've had a total of 5 losses now (currently waiting on the body to expel this one or a D&C which ever ends up happening). All in all this is my bumpy life and ride... hopefully you'll like what you read and stick around. Happy ICLW!

PS: Full details on everything can be found in older posts or as I stated above in the "My TTC Journey" page tab.

Second Beta Results

You know the old saying "No news is good news?" That's not always the case. I got the results of my second beta, and they were not what I wanted at all. Honestly with my first number so high so early, I didn't expect my second number to fall. But, I've have a history of m/c and chemical pregnancies. I blame this on stupid sensetive tests, and the fact that they are so sensetive or else I would not of even known I was pregnant more than likely. I blame this loss on my body and how messed up and defective it is. I wanted this baby, I wanted a sibling for my son, I was already attached and I didn't even realize how much. My first draw was 101, my second was 82. I held such high hopes for this BFP, for this pregnancy. Now I'm left questioning and feeling empty. I cried myself into exhaustion. So much exhaustion that I fell asleep with *B* last night at 8:30pm and slept until 9:30am this morning. I wish that there was more that I could of done or that my Drs could of done to make sure that this didn't happen. I'm so upset and mad. I don't understand it. I also feel like I'm dealing with this alone. Of course I have all my online and bloggy friends that are wrapping me in support and care, but here at home... not so much. When I told DH, he was "What do you want me to do about it?" We squabbled a bit and I told him to care more. He never cares enough, or if he does he certainly doesn't show it. I would of liked nothing more than for him to come home from work and hug me, hold me, let me cry into his chest... didn't happen. Still didn't happen this morning. Why does m/c not affect men like it does women... it's their loss too damnit?!?! I tried to talk to my sister about it, but never got the words out in the 3min we were on the phone before she had another call coming in and never called me back. I mean how do you tell people that you're losing a baby (you haven't yet, but you will) that you just told days ago that you were having? Not the easiest task, I assure you. Sometimes I just wish in early pregnancy that there was a magic wand or test that you could take or wave over your stomach and know if this was going to happen. Other than a blood test ya know? Something that would let you know at home before you opened your big fat mouth and told everyone so you didn't feel so stupid and upset when you had to tell them the bad news just what seems like moments later.

I hope one day to add to our family of three. I hope one day to give *B* a sibling. I hope one day to give DH another child. I hope one day to carry another pregnancy to term and have another bubbly baby. I hope one day that I won't feel so hurt, depressed, defective, broken or withdrawn. I hope one day that I will forever not have to wear the scarlet letters IF or Pregnancy Loss... but today will not be that day. Honestly I don't know if those days will ever come at this point, b/c they've been burnt into my flesh and will always remain. They are my battle wounds, my scars, my hurt, my pain, my loss... but for today I just wish it wasn't me.

Beta 1 and Beta 2

I couldn't hold out until Friday. I'm an impatient person what can I say. I went ahead and had to call an OB/GYN to get in b/c I was having alot of cramping (still am actually) and I had a bit of (TMI ALERT!!) brownish mucous discharge. I've been having that discharge every morning when I wake up and that's it. I'm assuming it's old blood and nothing more, that's coming out from over doing it the day/night before. Mostly b/c I've been trying to keep myself occupied but take it easy at the same time (easier said than done with a 2yr old but I'm trying), but every night I go to bed with my belly aching and every morning I wake up refreshed with no pain. So, any how I called and I got in to see an OB (that made me feel very uncomfortable when sitting between my legs to wand me, but that's another entry) and I got an initial beta done Thursday and a repeat 48hr beta done on Saturday. My initial beta level was 101! I'm not sure of my repeat as the password that the OB's office gave me to get my results was incorrect when I called. So, I have to wait until tomorrow morning to see what is going on. I'm hoping and praying for doubling numbers.

As far as test taking goes to make me feel better... they haven't. I've taken 8 tests since Wednesday. They're not getting darker in intensity at all. In fact they're pretty much the same darkness, which scares the hell out of me. There is still a line there, and a line is a line which is reassuring... but not getting any darker like they should makes me very nervous with my history of m/c. Guess the second beta # will prove to be what is to come of this pregnancy. Just please keep me and this little gummy bear in your prayers if you can spare some.... thanks.

Can You See What I See?!?!

Originally this was going to be a Wordless Wednesday post, but I can't just leave you with pics and not say anything... LOL! I have 2 pics worth a million words, maybe even a million and one words.... but I'm reserved and guarded in posting them, b/c I'm scared it will make them less true. Any how... I'm on CD24 and either 11 or 12DPO....

These are quite faded from when I first took them.

I had a cheap dollar store test as well as 3 Equate brand tests in my arsonal that I was dying to take to see what the results were. I kept telling myself that I was not going to take an HPT until this Friday at the very earliest as I didn't want to get my hopes up, and then get let down already. But then DH came in from work this morning and I had to get up to pee, and he asked me if I had taken a test yet. I told him "No," of course since I hadn't. He told me to take one if I could b/c he wanted to know I've all his sperm-babies were doing something. So, I told him I had a cheapy test that I could use, but I was saving the good ones for until Friday. I went in, I peed, and low and behold this is what I saw:

Faint on a cheap test that doesn't detect early, but definitely there!

I plan on calling an OB/GYN on Friday after I take another "better" test. Looks like I won't be needing that RE appt now after all (least I hope not). The only things different I did this month was drink Fertil-Tea and take Fertil-Aid starting 2wks before AF ever showed up... as well as once she arrived I ate something once a day with some sort of yam in it, b/c I heard on that crazy show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant..." that its a natural fertility booster and can possibly help with the number of follicles (re: possibility of multiples... although I don't know how true this is even with research). As far as symptoms go, I'm crampy.... which scares the hell out of me. I've had heartburn a couple of times this week. I have sore nips, but not all over sore breasts. I'm peeing alot, but actually I just think it's alot b/c I'm noticing it... LOL! And, I'm tired... but I'm always tired, I have a hyper-active toddler. Otherwise nothing else going on. I'm excited yet scared, I want to tell everyone yet I'm guarded, and most of all I just really want this miracle already and I just found out. Please, please if you can spare a prayer I would appreciate it... I'll keep you posted.

PS: If you know how to get ahold of me on other messaging sites that aren't private (FB, Myspace, MSN, etc.) PLEASE DO NOT SAY ANYTHING THERE as I haven't told my family yet, and I have an infertile aunt that I'm really close to that has never had children that I would like to hear from me and not the world wide web, as well as the rest of my family of course. Thanks!

Easter...

better late than never. This year it was difficult to have an Easter celebration with the sickies in our home. (Speaking of which I'm now sporting a lovely case of the stomach flu that *B* and DH had first.) Any how, there was a day before it got cold outside again when they got better, before I got sick that we were able to have an Easter egg hunt. But, coloring eggs was pretty much DH and me... *B* got in on like two eggs as he just didn't feel up to it. And opening of *B*'s 3 Easter baskets was not done until this past Wed. as he just did not feel up to it until then. (Why 3 baskets? Only one from us the other two were from family members houses that we had to for go dinner at b/c of the sickies.) So, here for your viewing pleasure is our Easter week... ENJOY!

Aggravation

ag·gra·va·tion
1. The act of aggravating or the state of being aggravated.
2. A source of continuing, increasing irritation or trouble.
3. Exasperation.

It comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms. It can be from the tiniest thing such as not having enough milk for a bowl of cereal to something bigger like a pimple on your face on picture day to the hugest of TTC with many failed cycles only to find out your infertile and treatments are pricey. Of course my aggravation tonight comes from my dysfunctional family and how the decisions in life they make effect my life ten fold.

Two weekends ago my Dad and I had a very heated fight that lasted for three days. It started on Friday when he was getting really drunk (like usual) and I had to go get shots and dog license for my dog that he now cares for. I told him that it was going to cost approximately $28, but once I got everything done and it was realized that the licensing was past due it ended up costing $39. He had given my $40, and so I brought him back $1... to which he called me a thieving whore. He wanted me to take him to the store and the bank, but he couldn't stand up straight let alone walk in these public places so I told him I would do it for him and we had some words about him needing to sober up. After I went and got him the things that he needed we went to the park, and when I returned back to his place he was passed out and R (my little brother's mom) was there. I just left the money and the items and returned home. A few hours went by and R calls me upset stating that Dad had kicked her out and she wanted to know if I would take her to a friends house when she got a hold of him/her. I went over there to help her carry her belongings to my house to wait, and when I got there my Dad started on me about taking her side. We were nose to nose and he even balled up his fist and I was in fear that he would hit me (since he did it before when I was a child). After many hurtful statements he said to me including being a skanky whore, fat bitch, and a bum who lives off my husband I came back with something I'm ashamed to admit but struck him to his core. I called him my mom's sperm donor and told him he'd never done anything for me my whole life except cause me heartache, pain, misery, and beat me why should it be any different now. Finally R and I left his place with her stuff, but he was red-hot mad and called my house numerous times leaving hurtful messages on my machine that everyone could hear, even threatening to beat on me. Later that night he brought my dog over and opened my door up without being let in, and said I pushed the dog on him any how so I could have it back. He even had a verbal confrontation with DH and called him into the street to fight, which he didn't do. I again had to go to his house this time knock on the door and ask for the dog's bowls and food as well as his registration papers if I had to take him. He screamed, cussed, and got in my face again. I bawled and shook, but finally he gave me what I needed.

The next day everything had died down until DH's sister and her family came to our house for a cookout. We were all outside playing in the back yard and on the trampoline as well as cooking, and my Dad comes out to his porch. He begins yelling things. (He lives right next door.) He calls R and I pigs and hogs as well as bitches again. *B* yells "Pap-paw" over and over again only to be said to by my Dad "Shut up you little mother f*#%&r, I'm not supposed to talk to you b/c of your bitch mom, so don't you talk to me either." DH tells me to call the cops, but I didn't I warned Dad that I was going to do it if he didn't knock it off. Then when DH's sister goes to leave for a little bit Dad yells to her "Must be nice to be a welfare bum. Lazy MF-er's on welfare have better vehicles and eat better than the working man." They get public assistance b/c their son is Autistic, but they also work. She told him to shut the hell up. DH was insistent on me calling the cops now. But after this Dad went inside and things died down again.

Then Sunday rolled around and I was outside cleaning up dog poop from the dog around the trampoline, when he comes barreling out his door again to scream things at us. He says something about "Dog shit being on his side of the fence" or something like that. I reply to him if it's there it's b/c he never cleaned it up from the dog when he had him or from another dog that was running lose in the yard shortly before that. He comes back with "No you don't need to clean up any dog shit, you are pieces of dog shit." He continued to yells profanities and vulgarities to us in the yard, so we went on the back porch to where he couldn't see us. He went inside and we went back to what we were doing in the yard. He comes out again and I warn him I'm not messing around this time I will call the cops. He says "Call the cops I'll fight you and the MF-ing cops." So, I go inside and call them. When the officer arrives he takes my statement then goes over to talk to my Dad who is still on the porch yelling things. The officer tells him to keep his voice down. Dad tells the cop that he'll do that when the cop stops yelling at him. Then Dad stands up and I was watching from my back porch so I was looking at his back. To me it looked like he lunged at the cop, but I was informed that the cop pulled him off the steps b/c he stood up and threw his hands up, and said him & the cop had nothing to talk about. The cop then put him in a rear choke hold and told him if he didn't stop moving that he was going to break his F-ing neck. Finally Dad was unconscious and put in cuffs. They put him in the cruiser and took him to jail.

He was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. B/c of his background and having prior disorderly charges on him this charge instead of being a misdemeanor is a felony. He's looking at a combined time of 12-18mths in jail/prison. He's harassed me daily about my statement that I had to write out on what happened, and said that I don't care if he loses everything b/c I don't care about him. I'm just so tired of his drinking and I even talked about a better than normal plea deal with the prosecutor's secretary today on the phone. Instead of jail time, possibly a rehab facility so he doesn't lose everything.

Any how, the reason that I'm aggravated is b/c of this whole ordeal my child now repeats many cuss words in full sentences. He will tell you things that his pap-paw said to him/us and want you to call the law if something isn't going right. I'm aggravated b/c the court date for this whole ordeal is Thursday.... the day that I was supposed to go to my new RE. I've been subpoenaed to appear for the trial. My appt is roughly a 1 and a 1/2hr drive away on a good traffic day. Appt time is 11am, court is 1pm.... no feasible way of doing both. I've been waiting for this appt. since the end of January, now it's not going to happen. Everything that drunken man of a father has done in his life to wind him up in jail has deeply affected me in one way or another, and this is no different. I just wish for once he would choose his children over the booze, b/c we certainly did not ask to be born, but since we are we didn't ask for a father that's a drunk so why should we have to have one?? *SIGH!*

Rough Week

This week has been one for the books. It started out with me being sick, added in a death in the family, and winded up with *B* being VERY sick. Just to briefly update ya'll on why I haven't been around is b/c of all this. I'm feeling/doing much better. My only complaint now is the allergy distress I'm having and the high volumes of vomit and diarrhea I've been cleaning up. Any how, one of DH's aunts passed away on our anniversary. It was sad for her to go home to be with our Lord, but she hadn't been well for a long time so she's now no longer in pain and in a better place. She will be missed though. Unfortunately we weren't even able to attend the funeral due to a VERY sick little man. The night before he came to me with vomit every where and fevered. That night he continued to be sick with vomiting, then when he woke up the next morning he had the diarrhea. Still has the diarrhea, but at least now he's eating. Any how, we had to do an ER visit for dehydration and get him some IV fluids. He's seemingly doing better today, and has wanted to be outside all day but he's still not acting himself at times. His pedi. said it was just a 48hr stomach bug and would pass quickly as it's going around, so I'm hoping that tomorrow he's up to full par. Otherwise that's why I've not been around.

*In other news, and on a more positive front... I'm on CD12 and I've been using OPKs and temping. I haven't had a change in my temp yet, but my lines are really dark almost the same darkness. I'm hoping maybe for once my crappy ovaries are going to "O" on their own and we'll get a BFP and not have to go to that appt. next week (OK more than likely go to it, but not need any intervention.) I guess I'll have to keep you posted on what happens.*

PS: Hope ya'll have a Blessed & Happy Easter!